Umm.........Check it out

Folks,
I knew I couldn't go another day and not test again.....today it took a much shorter time to pop up.  It just might be the real thing. Here's what's funny....I really don't feel much different. Is that normal?
How I do feel? I am still having some mild cramping and stuffy nose, and my mood is pretty level. My chest is still sore, but less so.  The places I have been injecting the progesterone hurt and I have lumps back there.

Ummm...........What?!

I got up early today and went to the Dr. to get a progesterone blood check. Then I ran a few more errands and came back to my house for an hour or so until my contractor appointment.  I started googling about when you can do a home pregnancy test after IVF transfer. The information out there is so varied, I honestly couldn't get a good feel, so I said to heck w/ it, I'll just take a test and see what happens.

And

This

Is

What

Happened.......

Ummmm....what? I didn't have time to process much because I had to go to see contractor, then do some additional errands.  But, if I am totally honest in the moment, a part of me was scared for either result, but more scared for the positive. Yikes.  All I said out loud was, "Oh wow".

I hesitated even posting this on the blog because as I am sitting here doing more googling--it may be too early to test, could be a false positive.  After 11am today I am now in my 8th day pa.st 3 d..ay tra..nsfer.  That means it is 13th day since HCG shot. I would think it would be out of my system by now, but don't know for sure.

I am just not celebrating yet.  I need a few more positive HPT's, then a positive blood test next Friday, then doubling for Monday to make the claim that it worked.


For those that know me in real life, please do not share this news. It could just as easily turn out to be false, so I would like to be really really cautious. Thanks for supporting me.

Stuff and 6d.....p.....t

This has been a craptastic few days, for a variety of reasons....and I have been crying on and off so much my eyes are way puffy.

First, my contractor bailed on me today.  We couldn't come to terms w/ labor costs for my whole house remodel.  We have spent hours working on this and down to the last minute he backs out saying it's due to money. My biggest mistake was not getting 2 or 3 other bids going at same time so I am not left in this position. Live and learn.

Second, I have a crappy head cold with a nasty sore throat. Yuck.

Third, I was w/ my sister in the store yesterday. I had crouched down to look at something on the bottom shelf and totally just fell backwards. Since I was crouched, not far to go, but I landed really hard on my hip, which ties to my back. Hurts. On ice now.

Fourth and most importantly, my cat who is only 5 years old is one test shy of being diagnosed w/ congenital kidney disease. We are in testing phase right now. To try and make a long story short, he had been coughing hairballs months ago.  Then the hairball medicine stopped working (or so I thought) so I decided I should take him to the vet last month.  He was on two rounds of antibiotics but neither knocked it out. Next step was to do a blood panel. I took him this week and the Vet called last night and gave me his blood numbers and they were WAY off the charts for kidney function--this was not even related to the coughing problem, and my Dr. said he was surprised because this is extremely unusual for a cat that is only five years old.
What the heck?! I brought him there for coughing and you tell me he has kidney disease and want to put him on IV, etc..  This was only the 3rd time I have taken my cat there....in fact, prior to that my cats had never been to the vet. Call me a bad mom for it, but they are indoor only and had never ever been sick w/ anything before. Anyway, I just didn't trust the results. I really didn't. Their office is so chaotic, I wondered if they mixed up the lab sample....how could he be so sure, etc...? What about doing other tests to rule things out, etc..?

So, I decided for my heart's health I needed to get a second opinion.  I found a different vet today that treats cats only. I called them up and explained the situation, had the other vet fax over their labs to this vet and went today at 2:30pm.  They do most of their testing in house....and I got the same bad news again.  The blood labs tested the same.  His kidney function is way off. She also did a urinalysis that showed his urine was 'lighter' than it should be. They are sending a second urine sample out that she is calling me about tomorrow. They also did a chest x-ray for the coughing and she thinks that is only allergy related bronchitis.
The only thing left to do to is do a kidney ultrasound next Wednesday to determine if the poor kidney function is related to an infection of some sort or congenital kidney disease i.e he was born w/ it.

Who would have ever guessed a routine visit to vet for a cough would turn out that my cat might have kidney disease. Jeepers.  The vet bill today was 425$ bucks, w/ probably another $150 to go for the ultrasound. I had some idea of the cost because I asked before all of the procedures. But, this is a time when peace of mind over-rode and I just said do it.


So, based on items 1-4 above, I have been a bit of a wreck.  I melted down at the Vet's office when I was picking him up today. I was looking in his little face and just felt sooo sad. Everytime I looked at him in the car or heard him cry on the way home I just kept sobbing. Boy that was tough. It also brought up some really strong emotions I felt throughout my mom's illness......just watching someone you love so much just get more sick despite your efforts. It hurts deeper than anything I can describe on this page. 

I know a lot is going on right now and I have every right to be emotional over what has happened, but I haven't cried like this since grieving about my mom....really unpleasant.

And now that I am home I have only eaten a sandwich today and don't have an appetite. Totally switcharoo from where I was last week.  I am also having some mild cramping that feels monthly, but not sure. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow to check my progesterone level. Would be nice if they said I could stop the shots since they really do hurt.  Also, the twinging in my uterus stopped. There were two distinct spots that I could feel it. Maybe implantation? Who knows.....

Since I don't want to wallow (except about my cat).....I did get on the ball today as soon as I knew I needed a Plan B or C for my house. I googled a bigger contractor in my area and we will meet tomorrow at 1pm. Don't hold lots of hope because since they are a bigger = usually means more $$$$.  The other thing I have cooking is networking through my realtor. We've known each other for several years and I sent her an email to see if she could help me. She knows people in the 'remodel' business and asked a guy who used to do whole house remodels to give me a ring. He called this afternoon and we are going to meet up next week. He would be a mentor of sorts since he only builds new houses now, but he would hook me to his contractors and I would work out the plans, etc.. I am confident in my abilities, just not confident about the how much time it will take for me to do. 

Gotta keep goin'....that's what I gotta do.  I hope I sleep tonight.

4 da.ys pa.st 3 da.y tran.sfer (4d....p....t)

Things are happening in my body. My breasts are still so tender it actually hurts to change my clothes. I have been having some regular cramping starting yesterday. It sometimes is a very strong twinge, then it subsides....then I'll have another one on the other side--so the feelings are not always in the same spots. It doesn't feel like it is in my ovaries, though. Definitely lower.  I was driving w/ my sister  today when I had a much stronger 'twinge' than I have had before that lasted about 5 seconds. Of course I am wondering, is that implantation occurring? The timing lines up w/ what's listed in last post.  But, it also lines up w/ progesterone and estradiol!!  Not trying to be too obsessive, especially knowing the medications can cause all of this.  I've done some reading on line for what others describe and I think it is just so individualized, you just can't tell for sure.  One thing I can say is the progesterone shots really do hurt--sometime giving them...but what's left behind makes my muscles really sore.

My sister seems to have shaken her mood today which has made our time together much nicer.  Sometimes you never know why, just have to roll w/ it.

The only thing that is really bother me right now--and I think about multiple times a day--is my weight. I have eaten w/ almost no filter since Thanksgiving and the scale is proving it. I think part of the problem has been the medications, but a larger part if my food choices and stress eating. When I look back I think I was more stressed about this process than I was aware of--who wouldn't be--and have been feeding the anxiety that way. I think what I will do is if this cycle is not successful is take some time off to get this weight off and then try again.  I just can't see starting the process in the shape I am in now.

I'm also scared. Scared it worked. I've read that on a few blogs that women in my shoes have felt this way. For some reason I haven't been excited....more nervous than anything. Thinking about my body, my future, etc.. I've got a lot of thoughts running around in my head.  I don't feel super anxious, but I do think it is creating some anxiety and stress....low grade such that it doesn't come into my consciousness....but I should know better because I am stuffing my face.

What is happening now? 2 Days Pa.st Tran.sfer (2d...p...t)

I searched online to understand what is happening in my body right now. I found the attached list on NY.U Fer.ti.ilty site. Why I chose this one, who knows....but it was one of the first I found to list out in a succinct way.
I may have morulas developing into blastocysts right now.

3-Day Transfer
Number = How many days after transfer
1--The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
2--The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
3--The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
4--The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
5--The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
6--Implantation continues
7--Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
8--Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
9/10--Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
11--Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy 


Physical symptoms....my breast are extremely sore. This started yesterday when I started the vi.vi.velle patches--estradiol. I am still pretty bloated and feel so full. Not helping that I am eating so much w/ the holidays. jeepers.  I woke up today w/ quite a bit of anxiety. This is done. It's also not helping that I sent an email to my known donor several days ago and haven't heard back. It is making me wonder if he changed his mind about this being open. And that makes me nervous and upset. I know it's the holidays, and all....but still. It is clear that I have absolutely no control over any of this w/ the donor. I told my sister I was nervous about this and her response was, "didn't you think about that before?". That is not what I needed to hear and of course I thought of it. These are the things my sister says sometimes that make it difficult for me.  And unfortunately she has been in a real crap-dog mood since she got here. This is the first time she's been this way in a very long time. She was taking care of me on bed-rest, but whenever I asked for something the first word out of her mouth was 'No'. She would end up doing it, but made it harder than it needed to be.  I would ask her to do something and she would say she's in control and would handle it.  That wasn't sitting with me very well.  She apologized last night for being in such a bad mood...which was fine, but this time was about me.  I'm bummed to even type this, but it's one thing I've known for awhile...emotionally I can't depend on her---I'll say at least up until now-I don't want to put finality to it, and at least keep it open. I haven't tried in the past, my mom was always there, and my good friends. 

Bed rest sucks. My hips hurt terribly from laying on them for 2 days. My back is very sore. Also, I take for granted just jumping off couch, running around wherever I want to go. When I couldn't it wasn't pleasant. Bed rest sounds grand until you actually have to do it.

Wow, after reading through it hasn't been very rosy, has it!  I supposed I need to get used to it. Things will be up and down and I gotta roll w/ it.  Assume when I get back to being active and eating better, I'll feel better too.

Transfer

Well kids...it's done.  I have officially completed my transfer.   My friend this morning dropped me off around 8:30am, procedure at 10. At 9:30 I had to start drinking lots of fluid because they want your bladder full. Then I was also instructed to take the valium around 9:30 too.  I didn't think it was doing much at first, until I looked up and I was definitely not all with it. It also made me sleepy. 
Getting there early I had plenty of time to just think, and I was feeling nervous--but not so strong that I felt like running from the office. Wondering how many embryos he wants to transfer, what grade they were, etc..and saying there's no turnin' back now once transfer done.

They called me back and I got to change into this amazing gown and hairnet/booties...

Then I went back to the surgical suite. I laid there for awhile and there was a couple next to me in the other bed.  Not sure what procedure they were doing....believe me, I was listening hard!  Then the Doctor came in and explained what we had to work with.

Of the six that fertilized there two stronger ones at 8cellgradeB (not A due to some fragmentation), 7 cellgradeB (not A due to fragmentation), and a smaller one at 6cellgradeA.  Below is a picture. The Dr. recommended that we transfer all 3 based on their size and grades.  He said the chance of a single 75%, twins 25%, triplets 1%.  Those odds sounded okay to me, so I agreed. But, don't think I wasn't wondering oh boy, could I be that 1%.Yikes.

Upper left the 8B, upper right the 7B, bottom the 6A

The procedure itself was pretty quick. They showed my name on a screen for me to verify. Then the Dr. used an ultrasound guide to see the catheter and place the embryos where he needed. I saw it all on the screen. There was this white dot in my uterus when he was done that he said were the embryos.

Went back to the bed and laid there for another 30 minutes. My other friend picked me up....for a treat I had McDonalds for lunch and a donut for dessert, and we came back to my apartment for bedrest.  I laid on the sofa for several hours. Then before my sister gets here I wanted to at least have her presents wrapped. I didn't get the energy or desire to get a real christmas tree, so I made one. Cheesy, I know (you can totally see the tape on the star), but at least the thought and spirit were there for my sister!  I also bought a spicy cinnamon candle so she wouldn't feel totally jipped. Because I am on bed rest Dr. told me I couldn't pick her up from the airport so she has to take a cab. She should be here in an hour or so.

Well, I am now in a two week wait. I have to go to the Dr.'s office for a progesterone check next week, then blood test on Jan 6th, I think.  Overall my abdomen is still sore and uncomfortable. I am getting pings of pain here and there, but they go away. Still the bloating and fullness. I don't feel like I am pregnant, or any different really...but the Dr. says it takes a few days for them to implant if they are going to.  He seems to be pretty positive, so I'll go w/ that.

Happy Holidays everyone and let's hope a baby or two sticks around!

And the winner is.....

3 Day Transfer.  My nurse called me today and said the embryologist thought is best to transfer at 3 days versus 5. I was a bit disappointed and asked the nurse if I should be, and of course she said no. I guess I just wanted some super-strong embryos to make it to Day 5, thinking my chances would be better...? I don't know if science supports that, but I'll be finding out. She kept saying I was on the cusp, meaning the number of eggs I had to work with was lower. Not terrible, just not like 10+.  I read about 3 and 5 day transfers on people's blogs, and even those that get more than 10 eggs sometimes only end up w/ a few viable after 5 days. I assume their theory is I could end up w/ zero on Day 5, so Day 3 better option.

Transfer tomorrow morning at 10am. They will look at all the embryos, grade them, and take the best looking 2 and possibly a fair 3. I am really nervous about that, so will see what the Dr. has to say.  I gambled on my sister coming tomorrow and lost that bet. She won't be getting in until 5pm. Good news is that while she won't be here for transfer, she will be here to take care of me on bedrest for 2 days.

Nurse also told me I needed a ride for tomorrow. News to me since there is no anesthesia. So, I called on two of my good friends, one to take me and one to pick me up. So happy they are supportive and in my life...especially during the holidays!

I'm excited, not yet nervous. The only thing I am nervous about is I still feel a lot of pressure and pain-ish in my ovaries. I'm worried they are fluid-filled or something that may impact the transfer tomorrow. So when I talked to the nurse she said that we should worry if I have shortness of breath, can't urinate, have a fever. None of the above, thank goodness.

Wish me luck tomorrow and hope that I have at least 2 embryos to transfer, they are good grades, and implant! Oh, and stick around to make a healthy baby!

Results

Well........the nurse told me today I have 6 embryos!!!  She said of 7 eggs retreived, 6 were viable...and they ALL fertilized. I can't believe it!  It was actually a bit emotional when I thought about it when she told me...these could end up being my children. My DNA is in those embryos. So amazing.
Now, I can't get too excited because while they may have fertilized, they may not develop properly and not become strong and/or viable.
The nurse told me that we are on the cusp of doing a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer. She said they will decide tomorrow and I should call her by the afternoon. I am really hoping it is a 5 day because my sister will be here to take care of me for the 2 days of bedrest.

How I feel physically? I am going to say the Dr. was wrong. I actually feel much worse and hurt more today than I did yesterday.  My lower abdomen still feels extremely full and bloated. Whenever I walk, or my bladder is fuller, it presses on my ovaries and it really almost hurts. It is a pulling/pressure sensation. Now I see why they have you take the antibiotic before and after the retrieval...to hopefully ward off any infections.  Makes sense considering I had my ovaries poked w a needle at least 7 times.

I went to work today and couldn't wait to get home and lay on the couch. I just took two pain pills and hope they kick in soon. I ended up taking them yesterday and didn't think they did much...until today. I followed instructions yesterday and laid around. That's what I am going to do tonight....

Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.

Retrieval

They retrieved 7 eggs today! The nurse felt confident that we would have some to transfer and maybe even to freeze. Yippee.  The whole process was pretty smooth.  Made it to the office and they took me back without much of a wait, thankfully. My view from the bed.

Anesthesiologist came in....IV went smoothly. Then my Dr. came in and said things look good and we are ready to go. I walked to the back room, hopped up on table....they gave me meds....then out. I woke up back where I started hearing the beeps of this....

Next step is the nurse will call me tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. They said they wait four hours after retrieval to fertilize. Then they wait and see how many we get, how good they look...and then decide on what day to transfer. I am hopeful it is a 5 day transfer--due to having some really strong ones!

After the procedure I was nervous about making sure they had my vial and it was the right donor. Not sure why the paranoia set in, but I felt like I needed to ask about it.  So, the nurse confirmed w/ the lab, and the lab even brought over the vial w/ the numbers to show me.  Felt much better.
I also asked about my lining...don't know why I was so concerned about it, but I wanted to know how it looked. The nurse reassured me it was looking great. Didn't give me numbers, but as long as there doesn't seem to be any problems, I am ok.

Now I am just resting on the couch. My ovaries ache a bit and I am thinking of taking a pain pill. I will wait a few hours and see. Dr. said if I have pain, it will be worse today, then each day better.

I could be pregnant this week.

Here I go

It's 7:35 am and I am soon to be on my way for the egg retrieval. I am quite calm and feel ready for this. My ovaries sure are ready because last night as I was resting on the couch I got a few sharper pains. I was somewhat nervous, of course, but kept saying 'hang on'....for today!

Thanks for the supportive comments in real life and in blogland....it really helps.

I'm cooked

Went to the Dr. this morning and I am done!! My follicles are ripe (and big), about 8-9 of them. He was reading off measurements for them and some were over 20 X 20. He said they will trigger me tonight instead of tomorrow night, and I will have the retrieval on Tuesday, one day earlier. I guess I am still supposed to wait for the nurse to call me tonight to let me know what time to trigger shot. The coolest thing is that if they retrieve on Tues the 20th, the 5 day transfer would be Christmas day the 25th. Happy holidays to me! And, MY Dr. will be there for both of the procedures. Yay.

Since then I've been working on getting a ride on Tues because of the anesthesia. One of my good friends has to work who was going to take me, so I'll just figure it out. These are the times when doing this w/ someone else would be helpful since my last resort would be a cab.

My ovaries do kinda feel like golf balls.  I'm laying here on the couch now and they just feel swollen and are starting to twinge/hurt a bit. When they were doing the ultrasound and pushing on them, it really kinda hurt. Part of me wonders if they could explode or something? Or what if the follicles release eggs on their own and we don't catch them?  The other thing is I have had a very minor headache for a few days now. Hope that goes away soon too.

I went over to my house today and I am getting excited to get that started. It will be a long 3 month or so process, but will be awesome when it's done.

Lots going on!

So Full

That's exactly what I feel like right now. I have been eating non-stop for the last 4 days. There's been holiday treats and pies, cakes, galore. Heavy holiday food....and more desserts. My stomach is so stretched I can't believe it!  I weighed myself the other day and I have gained 4 pounds in last 3 weeks. I'm not even pregnant. It's like my mind's real hunger sensor has shut off, and I want to eat everything in site that's sugary, fatty, and salty.  I am feeling so full and bloated that even my 'fat' clothes are getting tight.
I've really got to turn this around.

Not to mention I feel like I have golf balls in my lower stomach...my ovaries have definitely responded to the medication and I can feel 'em.  I was at the Dr.s yesterday and I have 6 follicles on left and 3 on right. Not sure why the right one hasn't responded as well as the left, but we'll obviously take what we can. I have to go back tomorrow morning for fasting bloodwork, E2, LH/P4, and an ultrasound.  I'll know more then when I will likely have the trigger, and 2 days after that the retrieval, then 5 days hopefully the transfer. As of now, timing would make retrieval on Wednesday.

It was cool today--the woman who was helping me build my kitchen cabinet order was pregnant--we started talking and she is pregnant w/ twins (boy and girl), IVF. She had also done 2 iui's, is 37, and said she wanted to just go for it w/ IVF. Her husband is much older than her...not sure if the fertility issues were his or hers...but she also shared that so many people struggle w/ infertility but just don't talk about it.  It's hard to say whether I am infertile w/ only failing 2 iui's. I might feel more strongly if I fail the IVF, but I'm not going to let that in my mind.  She told me she also had around 8-9 eggs, 4 fertilized, 2 were really strong that they transferred and they have one frozen.  I am expecting probably something similar for myself. I hope to at least have one or two to transfer back....

Next week is the big week. I'll be glad to get the pressure out of my ovaries....have some eggs that fertilize....have some 5 days blasts to transfer....get pregnant w/ a healthy baby...oh, and stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby while mama stays healthy (and doesn't gain a ridiculous amount of weight).

Growth

I knew I was feeling something for a reason. I have 5 follicles growing on my left and 3 growing on my right...as of right now.  Some are measuring over 10, which all is very good (according to the nurse). My lining is at 7, which is better than what it was when I was doing the IUI last time at the very end....and it still has time to get thicker. YIPPEE-KAY YAY! The Dr. still wants me to keep the same doses for medicine for the lupron (5mg), follistim (150), and menopur (75).

The worst side effect is just feeling so bloated--all over. You know how when your pants don't fit, etc.. and you just feel uncomfortable even sitting? That's me. I know it's going to get a little worse before it hopefully lets up. The nurse did say that she thinks they will trigger me a few days later than expected, so I had to order more medication tonight. I am going to say this again....thank you universe for my insurance. The one medication refill--my portion 16$, insurance portion over $1,000. X2 for the second medication. UNREAL.

The other thing is, if I weren't in the middle of an IVF cycle, I would totally switch Dr.'s office. My appointment was this morning at 7:40am. I got there late (no surprise), but to find the doors still locked. 8:00, then 8:05, then 8:10....what the heck. So I stood there and knocked on the door.  Apparently there was some traffic accidents that backed things up so the front desk lady (who I really don't care for) was really late. So, ummm...why don't you have a back up if that happens? You are a professional office. I wouldn't be so irritated w/ the exception this IS NOT the first time this has happened and I've been there when others are stuck knocking on the door in the am too. That time I just stayed in my car.
Really just so unimpressed, it's ridiculous.  The other thing---they are getting paid some fat sums of money by patients and insurance companies. Figure out how to run your office, have a genuinely friendly receptionist, get people in and out on time, and bill people correctly. SHEESH.

Done ranting. Well, no I'm not...I can tell you if this IVF doesn't work...I'll take whatever embabies I have and go to another Dr. office. For sure.  Interestingly enough, today in my email I got a 'survey' of how the office is doing. Coincidence? Doubt it. I'll give it to em if that's what they want to hear.

I'm off to eating something now. My stress level is up, I can feel it....so I am hungry.

Things r a happenin

I think the injection medicine is "kicking" in just about now. Yesterday I started to feel my ovaries again, and today I really feel my ovaries. They feel 'twingey', and are starting to feel 'fuller'. I can only assume I have lots of eggs growing--yippee. I am also feeling bloated again. Just all over full.
The nurse yesterday said my blood levels are normal (E2<500) and we haven't had to adjust my medication yet. They watch closely for the overstimulation, and I am now going every other day to get bloodwork. Back again tomorrow morning, also w ultrasound. Think they start checking follicle growth and lining growth.

So far, on schedule and responding as I am supposed to.

Something I am thankful for is that over the past week I have felt more at peace again about my decision for this journey. It all comes back to having done so much in my life already, that this just feels right for me. With or without a partner.  I also tend to think that many like minded women, w/ similar backgrounds end up in this situation....successful, independent, maybe had poor relationships w/ one parent or the other, not too sure about relationships, difficulty w/ trust in general. So we just say, to heck w/ it....we'll do this ourselves too. I can really relate to some SMC blogs about this. 

For me, I am not close to my Dad. He was emotionally absent growing up and I was so attached to my mom. She was an amazing mother, basically was both parents since my Dad was there, but wasn't there...you know?  My counselor always says you learn about relationships first by watching your parents, and I think my biggest lesson was "if you want it done right (or at all) you need to do it yourself." And I think I have relationship difficulties today stemming from it.  I read a book awhile ago about how a father's emotional absence can impact girls. I read through the list of 'what to look out for' and it described me and my behavior better than I could have. Couldn't believe it.  But then I ask the question, so what? What do I do about it? The past is just that.  However, it impacts me now because I am 36 years old (37 next month), still single.  I am sure my past has lead up to this, but my current behavior isn't correcting for it. I am not "out there", really trying to work it.  Very good topic for a new counselor, I'd say?

At least tonight I am happy I am on this path...I have the freedom to choose this and make it happen.

House and Injectables

I spent a few hours at my new potential house today.  I met my contractor over there and we went through the remodeling plan I put together. It is basically gut it and start over, keeping the brick shell. It may seem like a ridiculous thing to take on right when I am trying to become a SMC, but for some reason I am excited about it. I have all sorts of ideas about what I want, finishes, where some new walls and openings should go. Normally this stuff stresses me out, but for right now I am having fun w/ it.  Part of the plan is to gut and re-do the kitchen.  In order to get started w/ that I needed to get exact measurements of walls, windows, ceiling height, etc..  So, I measured the whole kitchen (multiple times since my obsessive personality wanted to make sure it was right) and I am confident I have the correct measurements. This is VERY important to make sure of before trying to layout and order new kitchen cabinets, appliances, etc...because once you place the order that's it, it better be right.  After I was done w/ all that I went over to a few stores to look at cabinets, appliances, sinks, moulding, doors, you name it. I will need all of it.
I really like my contractor guy, even though he talks a lot. He did work for me before and he is a bit younger...been doing this 8-10 years rather than like 20. He is a nice guy, does good work, but we will see on the bid...price clearly important. However, part of me thinks that unless it is totally unrealistic, I am going to sign w/ him anyway. 
If all goes well, I will be closing on the house December 16, next Friday. That is moved up a few days from what I was planing, but I'm fine w/ it....seller asked if we could since she is flying in from out of town.

I started my injectables for baby last night. The follistim actually kinda hurt, but the other one was fine. Even though it is 3 injections now, it really isn't that bad.  The one I am worried about is the progesterone in oil that is administered in rear. Needle a lot longer and most have said those will be bothersome. 
Thinking through the medications overall......I am going to knock on wood, but my mood, etc.. has been pretty stable throughout. I am so thankful, since that was my biggest worry about taking all of these meds. I don't know if I am lucky, or what....but it's been a pleasant surprise. 

Saturday Night Fun!

When I was over at the house I envisioned the room next to the master as the baby's room, the crib popped in my mind, along w/ the rocker, then the changing table next to the wall. Exciting.  Less scary these days than it has been over last month or so. Maybe I've pushed through that fear "wall" and can begin to get excited and look forward to it again.

I do feel better today than I have this past week. I think my sleep is getting back on track (which after talking w/ a friend I realized is my biggest derailer). When my sleep gets off, my whole body and mind follow.

Lots to come and look forward to.

Bleh

Well, I just placed my final order at the bank (hopefully). I called my Dr.'s office to make sure what kind of vials I needed and how many. She said the cheapest and only one.  Boy I hope they send me a super vial! Seriously this could be it and a baby comes from this. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow morning to start my labwork. If all goes well, I will start the other 2 injectables to start growing my eggs tomorrow night at 7pm. Yippee now 3 shots to the belly every night.

It's been a crappy several days. I have been at home for 3 days (today the third). It's a mixture of physical and mental.  I am finding a pattern that usually after I travel I have this 'down' period, but in addition to the thanksgiving travel I had the hysteroscopy last Friday. The anesthesia/sleeping made me feel crummy on top of it.  I kind of get this overall only wanting to sleep, not leave my apartment, not much energy, and have no desire to interact w/ people. Also, my uterus still feels like it is 'healing'...So I worked somewhat from home, slept a lot, and haven't left my apartment much.  I will shake out of it, I always do. Kinda bummed because I had been making pretty good strides w/ feeling pretty good, good energy, etc..but these 'blips' come every now and again. I probably could have forced myself to go to work, but I just couldn't muster it up.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will go to work.

Good Shopping Trip

It took me a little longer to feel better from the hysteroscopy. The anesthesia made me drowsy so I slept on and off Friday and Saturday. As a result...felt crummy yesterday so I finally forced myself to go to the gym, then the grocery store, then I cooked my weeks' worth of meals. Go me! 

It was a great shopping trip because when I was at the store I kind of had an AHA moment. I'll warn you, it is not a big one, nor is it novel....but I just looked around at all the different people with kids...older, younger, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc. and one thing kept popping in my head...."They are all doing this, why couldn't I? What do they have that I don't?" Because I couldn't come up with anything major, it just sort of made me feel a bit better and more calm about my thoughts. I could envision me, baby, and my sister walking around the store like all of these other people and somehow it just made it more normal.....and doable. I think I just got out of my head for a minute......and took a good look around.  People do it. Everywhere. For generations. I'm just a bit different in that I am throwing in the 'choice' aspect.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned to me that if I got pregnant w/ a boyfriend, he left, I'd certainly find a way to make it work.  And I really would.

All I can say is that I feel a little less anxious at the moment...and I am gonna take it.

Procedure

I had my hysteroscopy today.  Wasn't sure what to expect for this, but the only thing I did know was I would have a long wait at Dr.'s office.  My good friend dropped me off at 10:30am (didn't leave until around 1:30). I had the medication class I was supposed to have on Tuesday, then waited and waited. I got pretty nervous again in the waiting room. It's hard to explain if it's an anxiety, fear, or combo....my chest gets a little tighter, my thoughts spin faster, there's a tiny tiny 'unsettled' feeling, and I constantly ask myself if I should keep going, how bad do I want this? There are women who are at the point and will do anything to make this dream come true.  I'm struggling w/ the "anything" part....maybe because I feel like I fast forwarded my journey by jumping to IVF. This process is so much more involved and invasive than I had even considered. Perhaps I need to go back to counseling to help me work through some of this, because this fear, anxiety or whatever theme keeps cominging up whenever I go to the Dr.'s office, or out of town for that matter.  It's funny, I feel most confident when I am safe in my apartment and reading SMC weblogs.  About the counselor, that's another story because while I've like my counselor for past few years, I think I need more. It's daunting to think about looking for someone new and starting over again.

Back to procedure....
They finally took me back and they have a whole surgical suite back there. Had no idea. It was really like you were in the hospital w/ curtains, gurneys, IV's, the whole bit.  I got on my hair net, my booties, and the gown. Why a lot of us take pictures of our feet, I don't know...but I just had to. I am pretty tall so they hung off end of bed!

There were two beds back there separated by a curtain, and another woman in the next one. I heard the nurse say "talk to your embryos, it's important". She told the nurse she had the retrieval on this past Wednesday. I suspect it wasn't her first one since the nurse said "this time" fresh transfer. My mind kept wandering to, "What is that woman thinking, feeling right now....? What got her here, does she have support?"
I actually wanted to pull the curtain back and just offer her a good luck. That's not like me either, but I just had some heart for this woman.

Then the anesthesiologist came in. He was really funny and had a bit of a German accent, I think. He kept cracking jokes, and I actually laughed outloud....and I'm not one to think that many jokes are funny.  He tried to get IV started in my hand and couldn't. He was so upset. He said it was physically hard on me, but emotionally hard on him since he couldn't remember the last time he didn't get it on the first try. He was so nice that I honestly didn't care. It did hurt in my hand, though.
My Dr. talked w/ me a bit before the procedure and said everything should go just fine. I like the fact that he is so soft-spoken, calming. Then I walked from my gurney to the back surgical room. Got up on the table in the right spot and the medicine was injected....I felt a little spacey, then out. Next thing I know the nurse asked me to scootch to the gurney and they took me back in other room. It only took like 25 minutes.

I stayed in my bed for another 15 minutes or so, got up, dressed, and my friend was there to pick me up. I am so thankful for her being there and supporting me. It makes a big difference in my spirits :)

I got home and pretty much laid on the sofa or my bed the rest of today. Of course now I am not tired since it is 11pm and I slept all day. I hadn't planned to, but my head felt a bit 'fuzzy' and it just made me tired. I do have some cramping and bleeding (which is normal he said).  Because I slept on and off I totally forgot that I hadn't taken the Lupron at 7pm. Shame on me. So, I took it at 10:15pm. 

I feel kinda crummy now since I had the meds and slept a lot etc.. but I think tomorrow will be better.

Lupron Livin'

Today was the day....I started taking the steroid/aspirin and had my first shot of Lupron tonight at 7pm. This really "officially" starts my IVF medications. Oh boy oh boy.  I went to the Dr. office today and had my baseline ultrasound. She called and told me it was good, so I could begin.

In order to start off the night right, I dug into these.....my holiday favorite.

The shot itself was just fine. I've had to give myself subcutaneous shots before (in fat parts of belly) and it is no big deal for me.

I finally got all of my medications, and my apartment complex was nice enough to bring the boxes all to my apartment because I couldn't get here by 6pm. Although, some of the medications were here since Saturday when I was out of town--and they were supposed to be refrigerated. I am really hopeful they aren't 'messed up' because they were in the staff office mostly likely NOT refrigerated for 3 days.

Here is a list of the RX and supplements I will take for this cycle (not all at the same time, but throughout)

• Lupron, Follistim, Menopur--inject in belly
• Dexamethasone
• HCG Shot--inject in rear
• progesterone in oil--inject in rear
• Doxycycline
• aspirin
• vivelle patch--put on skin
• vicodin
• Vitamin E, CoQ10, Folic Acid
• Omega 3
• Birth Control
• valium

I am not joking here....16 different things!!  That's why when I first looked at my medication sheet I got a bit nervous.  I got myself back together by just trying to think...one day at a time.

How I feel right now is BLOATED w/ a capital B. OH wow....not sure why, but I feel like I am about to bust out of my pants....my shirt is pulling in my chest area.  It's been like this for a few days. I only expect it to get worse because they have me on a steroid for several weeks. I haven't asked why. Usually I don't let this stuff go, but I've been worried about other stuff.

Something that has gotten me thinking about my blog is--what can I write about that is unique? When I read other blogs, a lot of what I write is very similar. A lot of the same concerns, excitement, fears....I am afraid, nervous, worried about X, Y, Z..We are all just in different stages of the same process.  So, I was thinking of how to spice this up, and make this more interesting than a report out....and I'm going to noodle on it for awhile.
In the meantime, report out it is....
Next step is I have my hysteroscopy on Friday. A good friend is taking me (thank goodness).  Then I am set to go to the office for monitoring a lot up until the retrieval and transfer.  I can hopefully, before then, get my insurance situation nailed down for the anesthesia for the egg retrieval. I mentioned before they will bill for the hystero (so it is covered), and will not bill for egg retrieval.  Both me and my insurance company don't get it, so the insurance specialist at the Dr.'s office is going to try and see if they can't get them to bill for the Egg R.

Honestly one of the most stressful part about this process has been getting the medications lined out w/ delivery and the insurance parts.  Sheesh.

Wish me luck that my body and my mind can tolerate what I will be doing to it over the next month.

Oh the holidays.....

What a quick couple of days. I flew out on Thanksgiving day to see my extended family. It was actually a very smooth travel day...pretty quiet at both airports.  I got my rental car and arrived at my uncle's house around 3pm.  We sat around, chit-chatted, then had some good food. I couldn't get enough....food that is. I had a LOT to eat these last few days.  My sister did come, which was really good.  I don't know if I mentioned this before but she had bariatric surgery due to weight--just about a year ago. She's lost over 100lbs and looked good for awhile, but now she is way too thin. She looks skeletal. I think her idea of how much she eats is WAY off i.e.she thinks she eats a lot, and it really is bird-like. I know she is not getting enough protein (supposed to have 80 grams a day) and enough iron.  In fact, on Friday she wanted to go shopping so we went to several stores and shopped for about 6 hours. That night when we were supposed to be at a birthday party she got sick w/ a migraine and I had to take her home after being there for 5 minutes.  After I got back that night I got her a few pieces of bread to eat and some water.  The next day I told her that she probably hadn't eaten enough and she told me she ate a lot. Ummmm what?  Here's what she ate.  Breakfast-2 pieces of toast. Lunch-tortilla chips, artichoke dip, 1/4 of a hamburger. Dinner-none. Late night-2 pieces of bread w/ butter.
She has gone to the extreme the other way.  It is frustrating because she doesn't realize how sick she is starting to look.  And, she hasn't had any major health breakdowns because of mal-nutrition, so thinks it is fine.  Put it this way, she is 6'1 and wears a size 6 and fits into a size 4. She used to wear a 26, I think. I do get that she is an adult and it is her responsibility to take care of herself.....but I still feel it's important to remind her all the time about her food, her protein, her nutrition. AND unfortunately my aunt told my sister she doesn't look too thin. Are you kidding me? So later that night my sister said "See, I told you I'm not too skinny". ARGH. I don't know what to really do about all of that right now.

The thing that surprised me the most is how much this trip brought out my intense fears around having a baby on my own. I seriously started to get anxious and worried, and doubt kept creeping in.
For several reasons.......
1) Being with family made me realize I have no family back up here (or even just back-up).  Most of my friends are single, professional and work during the day. It's really just me.
2) Child care.  My cousin has 4 kids and I don't think has a full appreciation for how great she has it w/ her mom (my aunt) being her nanny--and they pay her peanuts. I don't have family to help out w/ this, and need to think through what this might look like. Nanny Live-in? Live out? Day care? Any option very expensive.
3) Physical.  I watched my cousins and their little ones. They hardly sat down at all. They were up every other minute doing something with someone, somewhere.  I got tired just watching. W/ my worry about my back, could I really keep up?
4) No partner.  Several times I saw them say, "hey can you do X, while I do X"....or "can you go get that for me"....even the simple things were made easier because there were 2 of them.
5) House Renovation.  Many of my family members questioned remodeling, really "gutting" a house, while in early stages of pregnancy. Was I sure that's what I wanted to do? Wouldn't it be easier if I found one already done?  Well, yes it would....but it wouldn't be as good of an investment. Did I bite off more than I can chew?
6) Work.  I make a really good living doing what I do for a profession. I don't worry about money and am thankful for that. BUT, if I decide I wanted to do something else, or work part-time...what else could I do and still have same earning potential? What would that be? Will I eventually feel stuck in a job/career path because I can make a very good living, and need the insurance for my family, even if I am not in love w/ it?
7) Medication.  Can my body tolerate the over 10 medications I will soon be swallowing, injecting, or putting on my body?

I think that about covers all of the thoughts running through my mind. It was really uncomfortable feeling all of these emotions in such a short time period. This is not an easy process.....it is so funny because I didn't have all of this when I went through the IUI's.  I was very ho-hum about the whole process. And now? Not so much. Having a lot of fear. I honestly don't think I've had this much fear about anything before.

On a good note, though, is when I flew back in last night I got in my car and started heading home from the airport....and immediately I started to feel better. Like some weight lifted off and I thought to myself, "I can do this". I started thinking about all of you women I read about every day who are doing this too. I got online the minute I got in the door and started reading....and felt so much better. I didn't realize the support this blogging community is bringing me....really, just being out there for me to find insight, support, and reminding me that I'm not alone. I'm normal. I can do this.

Again, I go back to how I feel. I don't have an intense feeling about NOT going forward with this yet. So, I am pushing through my fear and taking it one step at a time. It's tough, not going to lie. But something my friend told me today has helped and I might just tell myself this regularly.  I am focusing on the what-ifs? the negatives....but what about the what-ifs? the positives?  I could meet someone next week, I could never get a disease and be around for my child for a long time, I could be so in love with my child that all of this won't matter. That's certainly a better way to think about this, for sure.

Good Golly

I had my appointment yesterday with the IVF nurse.  I had some questions on whether we could move forward in December or not with my Doctor. Before I paid the $150 consult fee, I wanted to be sure.

And yes, we can move forward in December.  It will be cutting it close for whether my Dr. can do the transfer, but in my case he would allow the other Dr. to do it if he could not (not sure why I was initially told he doesn't have the other Dr. do?).  Given the timing, my Doc will most likely be the one to do the egg retrieval (which seems more complicated to me, so I'd rather have him for this step anyway), and depending on whether they do a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer, he might be able to do it. I did some research on which is better, and it all depends on embryo quality, numbers of them, etc..My nurse said they don't decide until they see what they have to work with...but some sites say that 5 day is better because they have more time to grow, and fall out of process if not good. And some say 3. Guess I'll just go w/ it.

The one thing I wasn't prepared at all for was the significant amount of medication for the month that this entails. I counted like 10 medications!  Good Golly!! Like 4 different injections, steroids, antibiotics, aspirin, etc.. it's unreal. I have this calendar and it is full everyday starting on November 29th. For some reason it hadn't dawned on me how much medication, monitoring, and commitment it will take to do IVF. Wow. When I think back to the IUI's, they were relatively easy. Take some pills on C.D 3-7, a few ultrasounds, one shot, and done)

And, when I was at the Dr. office for the consult I was actually nervous.  Really nervous. Just thinking about going through w/ this, what it will do to my body (inclusive of all meds for IVF), the responsibility, all of it.
I still haven't had the 'gut' instinct to not move forward. But I can say a lot of fear has crept in. Not having supportive family around, etc..I worry.

Totally off the subject, but the other thing I wonder is do people actually read my blog?  I don't get comments often, and just wonder? I suppose this is as much a journal as it is seeking out advice from people who have been there done that. Blogging is funny that way...I wonder how people end up w/ so many followers?

I signed up at the Gym. Thank goodness.

Sunday

I am re-writing my commitment to sign up at the gym today. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, and didn't get up until 11:45am today. I don't need that much sleep. So now, I feel groggy and lazy. I must go to the gym.  I will write in my blog this week to confirm that I did it today.

Surprise my IVF coordinator called me on Friday night at 6pm (had I not heard from her I'd have been pretty upset since I emailed her on Wednesday).  We talked about my two questions and I found out that the Dr. will be out of the office and will NOT do transfers between Christmas and New Year's.  She said his back up Dr. can do the egg retrievals, but my Dr. is the only one who does the transfers.

SO, after we looked at the calendar (she said they really don't go by CD for IVF), she counted out that my retrieval and transfer would most likely fall w/in those days.  That means December cycle might be a bust!! Would really be a bummer because it's the best time from a work standpoint, and getting my sister to come down.
So I asked her if we could do it before he left.  She looked at calendar again and said that just might work.  She instructed me to start taking my birth control right away and start that night....so I skipped Sun-Thurs and took the Friday pill on Friday, and Sat, etc.. going forward.  She says the whole point of the birth control is for them to be able to "take control" of my cycle and then go into the protocol.

She asked me if I could change my Tuesday 'class' w/ her to Monday. I said that would be fine. She said she was going to talk to the Dr. on Saturday to see if he was okay moving this cycle up, and we could talk about it on Monday. So, it's possible I just started taking wonky days of birthcontrol for nothing if the Dr. is not supportive of moving cycle up.

Not sure if it was the birth control, or watching a love story on t.v., or just being alone a lot this weekend.....but I had feelings of maybe not going through with this. It seems my "flight" response started kicking in.  I started to feel stressed about doing this all alone.  That taking care of the baby, providing for them, raising them, running after them, making holiday traditions, etc.....was all on MY shoulders.  Even if I was sick...mine. In pain....mine. Not wanting to work so I can stay home...mine. This is such a huge responsibility....that reality kind of sunk in this weekend.

I thought about it as I was driving over Saturday morning to drop my car off for maintenance.  I was thinking that if I had a child, I'd have to load them up, take over there, either stay there for 3 hours waiting, or load them up in a courtesy car, bring them home, then do it again when car got fixed.  I don't have anyone at home I can leave the baby with to do these little things.  Nothing will be last minute, which is how I live my life most of the time. And the reality of not having a partner....or anyone to lean on.  Massive. These are times when I wish my mom was still here and healthy. I could see myself moving to be near her so she and I can do this together. 

I guess the only thing I can do is continue to gauge how I feel and if at some point my gut or mind is telling me not to move forward, than that's what I have to do. I'm not there today at this moment, but clearly my emotions will vary....and I just have to work through it.  I hope and assume this is normal for people in my shoes?? Gosh I hope so.  I'm thinking I feel this way because it's becoming a real possibility w/ IVF. The chances of success are real. And then what...?

Lots to noodle on when I go to the gym today!!!

Commitment

My Dr.'s office was proactive yesterday...the new coordinator called me just to introduce herself and give me her phone number/email.  Don't get too excited. I sent off a few questions last night to test her out....what's your bet as to whether she responded back today? Ummm...nope. Will see tomorrow....but I don't have high hopes given my experiences thus far. What I wanted to know from her was--I am trying to coordinate having my sister fly down for the egg retrieval and transfer...was just wondering what CD they typically shoot to do the retrieval? Also, if the dates land on Dec 23-26, does the Dr. still do?

I've had some serious doubt creep up in my mind recently. It has mostly been around my back issue.  It has gotten super painful recently (more than ever before). I was having throbbing pain down my left backside, and on the sides of my hips, and a lot of pain in my back joints--w/ mornings being the worst.  I was having trouble finding a position to even sleep, and getting dressed was not fun. A few days ago I caved and started taking my RX powerful anti-inflammatory. It has helped a lot, thankfully! Now that it is feeling better and the irritations are calming down, it makes me realize how bad it actually was!!
So, I've been thinking I may need to have a more invasive procedure done like steroid injections....the thing is, you can't do this when you are pregnant.  I was really struggling w/ this and whether or not should I put my baby journey on hold in order to deal with this??  I had a good chat w/ a friend of mine last night. Good reminder that I need to focus on the things I can do to help i.e. start working out again and watch the diet. And, I am probably going to be dealing w/ this for a long time, baby or not. I just shouldn't let this derail me right now.

I agree and am going to keep moving.

I did decide to go to my uncle's for Thanksgiving. Paid a hefty price for the flight, but I am figuring if my plans work out, I most likely won't be going next year because I'll have a newborn :) My sister is going too.  It's going to be a really short trip--fly in on Thursday, out on Saturday. Only a week away. 

Work has been quite stressful these last few weeks. I am covering for an open position, my own, and 1/2 of an admin's position because we are having issues w/ her. It's a lot right now and I can kind of feel like I may be getting sick.....NO! I need to rest up and stay healthy. So, my plan is to sign up at my old gym this weekend. By the way when I said I was going to go this past weekend, I didn't. Laid around again almost the whole time.

I need to just follow through. Sometimes I get like this i.e. no motivation, and procrastinate on everything. I'll do it tomorrow....I'm tired....I might be getting sick....I'm tired....Well yah, I'm tired....all I do is lay around after work and on the weekend!!!

This is my commitment that I will sign up at my gym this weekend.

I...U....I#2 BFN

Big Fat Negative.  Part of me is glad to know that I'm tuned into my body's signals and wasn't just jumping the gun after Day 2 when I felt like it didn't work.  I could be surprised in the future and still not have any symptoms, signals, etc.. but I'm guessing I'll just know. Call me crazy.

GOOD NEWS! I am getting a new coordinator at my Dr. office!!  Friday I was fed up when another email went unanswered, so I called the nurse manager. I left her a message saying I had some concerns and wanted to talk to her.  Ironically, in the meantime the insurance girl called to explain the cost of IVF and said that I will have a new coordinator because I am doing IVF.  Problem solved.  When the nurse Manager called back again I still gave her the feedback of why I was calling i.e. getting timely answers, getting info that answers my questions, etc...She was very supportive and told me if I have problems in the future to let her know asap and gave me her cell number. Really, can't I just have her.  I seriously hope that the new coordinator is better....I'll give her a chance.

For the next IVF cycle, even though I have insurance it will still be in the thousands.  Mostly because a lot of the bloodwork, monitoring, anesthesia, etc.. is done in their office by a 'special' lab that doesn't bill to insurance. It didn't make sense at first because they have a lab that my insurance covers right there too--but that lab can take a few days to get results.  They use the 'special' in house lab because they need results faster--to be able to adjust meds quicker, and to avoid OHSS Ovarian Hyperstimulation syndrome...very bad.

I'll repeat what I've said before--I am very thankful I have insurance--BUT, it's hard not to feel like they put in charges here and there just to make more money. For example, I am having a hysteroscopy w/ the same 'special' anesthesiologist and it WILL cover under insurance....because it's billed as surgery, not fertility. So, I will have to pay 600 bucks for one, and 0 for another. Also, I will be paying $150 for the nurse to sit me down and walk me through the cycle/instructions, $30 extra for any weekend/holiday visits, $50 to 'thaw' each sample, $500 to store any embryos from 1 day to 1 year that we need to freeze, and $500 every year after.
It is still a business, after all.

Something I learned that confused me while reading other blogs...what does FET mean?  It means frozen embryo transfer. I thought they were all frozen, but that isn't true--there is fresh and frozen.  The way it works is I will grow a lot of eggs, retrieve them, fertilize them, and the 2 best after 3 or 5 days they will transfer back in....that is called a fresh transfer.  However, if I have embryos left over, they will need to freeze them.  And if the first fresh transfer doesn't work, they thaw the next ones and transfer them...that's when it is called FET frozen embryo transfer. Ideally I will get pregnant from the fresh transfer and have frozen ones for the future. That would be good because if I'm lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, healthy child...I can keep the others frozen as long as I need for future siblings, and they will be made w/ 36 year old eggs.

In other news....the house deal is a go, all contracts signed, with closing date December 21.  Once I close on the house, the remodel can begin. It is pretty much a gut job, so I need to hire a general contractor to manage the project. I have one in mind and think he'll be great.

Need to get off this couch.

12 Days pa.st IU.I .....#2

It's been a busy week at work....am tired and ready for weekend. I am paying w/ pain in my back due to laying around all last weekend, so really can't do that again. Back also worse because I have also had to sit much more and longer than I normally do because of the project I am working on this week. Ow-ee.

I'm "this close" to asking for a new coordinator. Just don't have the patience for this woman. Seriously.
Don't call me and ask me the very same questions I answered ALREADY in an email. Can't take it.

Can you tell I am irritable.  I sure can.

This IUI not official bust yet, but I cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I don't want to pay for a blood test I know I won't need.

9 Days pa.st IU.I.....#2 New Plan

Turns out I wasn't even counting my DPIUI correctly....I was just counting on my fingers and realized that I needed to add a day in there, so had to go back and correct my blog entry titles. Sheesh. Can you tell I wasn't paying too close to this cycle--considering I think it's a bust. Still.

I had my Dr. consult today over the phone and I am pretty excited. I started our conversation by saying I wanted us to figure out next cycle since I am 99.9% sure this one didn't work either. As I suspected he started talking about injectables. He explained that I would still take the letrozole on CD 3-7, but on CD 6-9 I would take the injectable.  I said that could work, but I wanted to discuss other options. I asked him about my sperm sample from last cycle, and asked his opinion about the low count (by the way, I've called it motility, but it really is count). He did agree that it seemed low. He asked me if I wanted to change donors and I said no way, this is my donor. I said based on that, and the fact that I didn't want to keep trying w/ so-so odds, what would he think of going w/ IVF?

He was totally supportive!!! He said that we could certainly do more IUI cycles, but the odds still remain lower than IVF. He said the odds for me are: IUI w/oral meds about 15%, IUI w/ injectables 25-30%, and IVF 65%. He is not a Dr. that pushes you into anything and lets you decide what's right for you based on facts.  Given those odds, the choice was easy for me, IVF it is!
The thing that makes this decision so easy for me is that I am sooo thankful I have fertility insurance (up to 20k lifetime max). My previous employer did not have it, and it is a much larger company than this one. I think the stars just aligned for me. I do think, though, that even if I didn't have insurance and had to pay out of pocket I would still end up in the same place (just think a little longer and harder about it).

He then started walking through how it all will work and what we need to do.

• Birth Control this month (so now I can go to Thanksgiving out of state at my uncles house if I want)
• During 3 weeks of BC, schedule a hysteroscopy. They use small IV sedation (in their office) and put camera in uterus to view and take small biopsy. They do this to stimulate the uterus for the following month transfer.
• Take meds for 8-10 days to grow many eggs
• During those days get ultrasound and blood draw often
• Still use HCG to ovulate
• 36 hours later retrieve eggs (says only takes 20 minutes)
• Once they have eggs, they inject sperm into them to fertilize them
• Grow them for 3-5 days
• Transfer 2 best ones & freeze the rest (chance of twins 25%)

I am happy to be going this route, but the thing that still worries me is can I even get pregnant and carry a baby? Will I ever have a child of my own?  These thoughts do poke out sometimes. I don't focus too much on them because the answers will come in time.  It's maybe just such a surreal and foreign concept that this could actually happen that I just can't wrap my mind around it yet.  It hasn't been too hard thus far because for some reason, in the back of my mind, I just felt like IUI wasn't going to work for me. My 'gut' sort of felt it.  I don't know how my 'gut' feels about IVF yet. I'll have to keep asking it :)

My other biggest fear is I still have some pretty significant problems w/ my lower back. I do have chronic pain. It is manageable (for the most part) and I don't take anything for it, because when I have taken prescription meds in the past, the transition back to w/out meds is harder than if I hadn't done it at all....but to possibly carry a baby, and then run after one? It just worries me. And reminds me so much of my mom. She had chronic pain for almost as long as I can remember...her knees, her back, her internal pain from cancer, her ulcers, just so much for one person.  I think about all she suffered with and she was still an amazing mother to the core....I know I can do it. It's just going to be hard---in many ways, I am guessing.

For those of you who are in perfect health out there....send a shout out of thanks....it's just so important.


I did ask him about cycle day 3 labs. He said that we did them last year, he did some other test 2 months ago and things looked fine. He said we could do the labs, but he feels comfortable if we don't. Hey, fine with me. I don't usually go on blind faith and want to see the numbers for myself, but I have enough other things to think about.  I also told him that a Dr. awhile ago said I have a uterine septum, which can create higher rates of miscarriage. He said he didn't see that during my last exams, but they will look at it during the hysteroscopy.
I didn't ask him about switching coordinators. I'll give her one more shot, but the next thing that gets messed up I'll just reach out to her nurse manager and talk to her about it. She is great...would like to just have her!

End of update.  Start of new plan.

8 Days pa.st IU.I ......#2 Udates

I did get back on track from my food meltdown. Yesterday I went back to eating the food/5 small meals a day. I felt better on my insides. However, I did absolutely and completely nothing yesterday. I was supposed to take my car in for maintenance at 8 am. I set my alarm, woke up, and just said no, I'm not going. Then I laid back down and slept until 11am. Then, after I got up I got on the internet and surfed for 6 hours. Yes, folks...6 whole hours!! Then showered, watched tv, and surfed until 12am.  WHAT THE HECK..I need to get it together. It's hard to be lenient w/ myself about when I just 'checkout' over the weekend. I am an able-bodied (for the most part) 36 year old, and this is what I did w/ my time?
I dont feel stressed...but sometimes I can be very unmotivated. I always know when I feel like this because I just have to look around my apartment. Dishes in sink for a week (I do at least rinse them off after using). Haven't cleaned/vacuumed. When I am firing on all cylinders pretty much everything is in order.
What i've told myself is that I have a free one day pass for the YMCA that is brand new. I should go and check it out today. Open from 12-6. Maybe that will be a good kick start.

About the house....we are still in option period.  It was supposed to end today, but the seller has asked for an extension. Yesterday my realtor and I submitted a large $$$$ request for repairs, and the seller wants to check w/ her attorney. It has something to w/ the fact of their appraisal since it is an estate sale. Not entirely clear, but I said sure, why not. Now, our option period ends on Wednesday.  We were really surprised that we think they will go for the large sum. If so, we will just reduce price of home by that much more.  I have been researching and starting a spreadsheet for cost of remodel. It's going to be a huge project. At first I got overwhelmed, but when I broke it down, it became more manageable. Also, I got confirmation from a contractor that did some work in my old home that he has more experience than I thought, and I can maybe use him as my general contractor to coordinate my new home remodel. He does great work and is so reasonable priced. Well, at least he was back then.

Pretty sure this cycle a bust.  After thinking more and more about what to do next, I am leaning towards going w/ IVF. For some reason, I just feel like doing injectables may not work either. No evidence to support that, but I don't want to spend too much time trying. Part of my rationale is, if I have to do close monitoring for injectables, and for IVF, I'd rather be spending the time away from work doing something that has more % of success, even if more expensive. The other thing is, since this will take more time during the cycle, I'd like to be doing this during the holidays with the built in days off. Not because I can't take the time, but it gives me stress/anxiety anytime I have to say I'm going to be late,  1/2 day appointment here, there. I don't want them starting to wonder what the heck is going on...I've been able to manage this pretty well so far.
I'm not sure what the Dr. will think...I do expect he'll recommend injectables....but I might push back. The thing I need to understand from him is what that process looks like if we go w/ IVF. From other blogs it seems that people do a month of birth control, then start???  This may be individualized, and not applicable to others, but I just need more data from Dr..  The other thing I was thinking about my Dr. is that I DONT think I did cycle day 3 labs.  These are the ones that test for ovarian reserve, etc.. I need to ask him about this, and why we didn't do and if I should.

I've started to wonder about whether I should stay w/ my Dr. It's not because of him per se, but it's really due to the nurses and staff. I've never been really impressed w/ them (starting going to the Dr. years ago for PCOS). The receptionist up front is almost rude....when I've mentioned a few times they had the billing wrong, she got all flustered and didn't accept what I was telling her. I told her I knew it was wrong based on what I paid last time, and she finally just said she'll add it to next time. Sure enough when I came in next, it was not the amount she had told me.  This has happened a few times and she always looks at me like I don't know what I'm talking about.  I keep my own spreadsheet so I know exactly what I am talking about.  The other thing is, the coordinator I have for my cycles is really terrible about getting back to me. First not in a timely mannor, second  w/ not answering directly the question I asked. She'll respond, but it's with either another question, or respond w/ something that's irrelevant. She basically isn't taking the time actually think about/and be proactive about what I am asking.  Not impressed at all w/ these folks.

There is no right answer, but I think I will let the Dr. know when I speak to him on Monday about my experiences, and that it really has got me thinking about going to another clinic.  He can do what he wants w/ the feedback, but it has started to really bug me, because I don't look forward to interacting w/ them. Last night I did some surfing (yes in my 6 hours of it), and found some Dr. reviews about him and his staff. I read a lot of them that say some of the very same things I am having problems with.  The mis-billing, the staff being rude, not following up timely, really long wait times, etc..  What really got me thinking was one of the reviews mentioned this other IVF clinic and how great her experience was. It bummed me out because my experience is not that great. It's funny how I just have 'gone w/ it' because I assume that's just how it is.

I realize grass isn't always greener and each office has its own problems.  Just something to noodle on while we decide what do w/ this next cycle.

That's it for now....I've written a book here....need to get off this couch and clean my apartment and/or go to the new gym.

6 Days pa.st IU.I ....#2 and Food Meltdown

I'm not sure what happened today. I had a major food meltdown.  I had packed my day's worth of food like I have for the last two weeks. Ate breakfast, no problem, ate snack, no problem. When lunch came I just really did not like it. I was so surprised because I have enjoyed the food thus far. It was mushy, no real flavor, random vegetables in it. Weird.  So I said forget it, I'm going to the plant cafeteria. Well, there are really not good food choices there, even their salads aren't that good.  I went straight for the cravings--fried food, onion rings....and sweets, got a blueberry muffin. And some milk.  Crazy combination, but it hit the spot.
Even though it didn't make me feel good because I had been eating pretty clean for the last few weeks, I still liked it.  Here's where it gets worse....I decided I wanted to eat out my favorite food--MEXICAN for dinner. There's this one restaurant that has these 3 cheese enchiladas smothered in gravy, w/ chips, rice, guacamole...the works. And I ate every...last...bite.  But wait! You'd think that I would be stuffed and couldn't fit a single ounce more....not true. I then went for dessert and had this amazing donut w/ some more milk.

And now I am so stuffed I feel sick. No joke.  Why did I eat all that....I think I was just tired and feeling somewhat stressed.  Boy I did it big, huh.....?

Back on track tomorrow...

4 Days pa.st IU.I ....#2

I did some research last night on injectables versus IVF. It seems a lot of women struggle w/ the what next? question. When the simple method of oral meds don't work, how aggressive do you get and how quickly do you get there?  Some were concerned about cost w/ injectables, which I thankfully don't have to worry because my insurance covers these meds. I also read a few places that women who did the clomid/letrozole with no luck, then did injectables and got pregnant. But, if my sample has low motility, my lining doesn't thicken as much as it should, and I am not getting a lot of follicles....would more IUI's (even w/ injectables) really make a difference? 

I am really thinking that if the Dr. thinks we should try injectables, I will do it once. Then, I want to be done w/ IUI and will go to IVF. Yes, it will be way more expensive, but I'm not too concerned. I'm more concerned w/ whether my body can actually get/and stay pregnant.  I don't know what my ovarian reserve is, FSH, etc..I know they were checked, but I'll have to ask the Dr. That's why surfing the internet isn't always the best idea. I got concerned when I was reading some of the IVF websites about diminished ovarian reserve, that your egg quality, etc. changes so much the older you get. It just gave me anxiety like I needed to hurry up or I'll never have my own child. I already knew most of what I read, but it was just staring me in the face.

Oh yah, you wouldn't even know I was in a 2ww by the way I'm so focused on the next cycle. But I have almost zero hope this worked. Numbers were bad, I feel nothing....and I'd be fooling myself, or making up symptoms to think I maybe had a chance--rather just face it and move on.

The thing I am trying to figure out is holidays. For Thanksgiving every year we would go to my mom's side--her only sibling brothers' house---and stay at home for Christmas.  Since my mom passed away, they have really not had the draw they used to. I would get so excited planning to fly back home, eat some amazing food, and get the best hugs in the world from my mom. Man I loved her w/ all my heart. Clearly things have changed. It's hard going home because my Dad and I don't have a close relationship at all.  I have so many mixed emotions when I am around him....sadness, he can be stressful to be around, so much anger at how he was so absent when my mom was sick, how he was emotionally absent growing up.  Ironically, I also feel sorry for him. I feel guilty that I don't call him more. He's not in the best of health and that makes me worry about him....despite all of those other feelings I have about him.  Very conflicted and emotionally draining.  Last time I saw him (Easter this year) the minute he walked in the door I went upstairs and just cried. It was so overwhelming and just sad for me.
The thing is, it's not just my Dad....I have an estranged middle sister w/ 3 kids that we hardly see. And a brother that is just distant.  The only one I am really close w/ is my oldest sister, and that relationship has had its many bumps in the road. The only one I had unconditional love and pure joy with was my mom.

I have only gone home once this year. That is unusual for me....

So with all that being said, I haven't booked my Thanksgiving flight--not even thinking about Christmas plans yet.  I've been watching prices and yes, they are expensive.  Also, the holiday falls right over my next cycle (assuming things same as last month).  This baby-making is my priority, so I've thought about not going to Thanksgiving at my mom's brother's.  I kinda want to focus on this and any holiday would be secondary. 
What I will probably do is after my appointment w/ Dr. on Monday, I'll know what he wants to do and I can plan backwards.

I am not opposed to a last minute flight, so I am going to keep my options open.

Big sigh.......

2 Days pa.st IU.I .....#2

I'm just not feelin it. I feel like it didn't work.  I don't any aches/pains/symptoms, and I just can't seem to believe that something as big as this can be happening in my body w/out me knowing....I know some people don't have symptoms, all that stuff....but I think I would just 'know'.  I would be totally shocked if it did work. The thing is, I'm not pessimistic by nature...I think realistic is more like it.

I am already thinking about next cycle--to make sure I talk to the doc, make sure it is planned out w/ Rx's, etc.. probably going to go to injectables. Don't know what that looks like except from other blogs it seems there is a lot more monitoring. It's been kinda hard to make all of the appointments thus far work because I'm having to spend more time at our plant, (2 hour+ commute) and it is far away. My Dr. office totally other side of the city. But, this is my priority so I haven't let work get in way--and don't plan to in future.

2WW begins again

Doctor's office was slow again today too. I've decided I might as well block a 2 hour window whenever I have an appointment there.  The attached photo from today is very fitting for how it feels....tick tock. Tick tock.

This one went much better today in terms of not having the immediate cramping during procedure. The Dr. came in and I think he was done in 2 minutes or less. This is not an exaggeration--and fine by me. As I was was waiting for the 15 minutes to be up after the procedure, I found myself talking to my body. "C'mon, you can do this". I visualized the sperm making its way to the egg and fertilizing. I realize that wouldn't happen during Dr. appointment, but I supposed it could have from yesterday. I think it can only help putting my mental energy all in :)

Not sure I want to do a play by play every day post about my feelings and symptoms. It can REALLY make time slow down. However, during this 2ww I have the Dr. appointment Monday the 7th, so we can go over plans for next steps as needed. I expect by next weekend (by 7 DPIUI) I'll know how this one is going, one way or the other.  How I feel today? I do feel different than last time. My ovaries still 'hurt' a bit. Think from the procedure yesterday.

Tick tock!

I...U...I #2

This morning I started IUI#2 series. 9am today and 9am tomorrow. The physician assistant did this one and wow, did it hurt. It felt a lot like when they did the sonohysterogram, or hysterosonogram never remember which one--where they injected saline in uterus to see if things appear to be in order. They didn't do the full dye exam where they watch the dye to ensure your tubes are open, etc.. Thank goodness because I would bet that one is much worse.  My uterus cramped up pretty bad this morning...but it mostly went away not too long afterwards, so I'm okay.

I have to keep low expectations for this cycle because in my joy of having such a large follicle, I didn't focus on the fact that there is only ONE.  Also, my lining isn't as thick as they would like it to be, AND my sperm sample had just above the threshold for not using it. They will use above 5 million motility, and mine was 5.4. Really surprised because last sample was over 8. The nurse said I should check w/ the bank to see if they will give a refund, as some usually do if it's under 10.  Well, I didn't use those bigger banks, and my bank doesn't have a guarantee.

And they keep asking about my husband. I wish they would quit that.  The physician assistant popped in, smiled, and asked me about my husband because the sperm motility was lower. I said it was not my husband and was a donor. I realize I am unique, but certainly I am not the only one who isn't doing this w/ a husband. For real.

Kinda bummed about the lack of 'great' numbers....but, they physician assistant reminded me it only takes one egg, one sperm. Yes, it does.....and lots of good timing, luck, good egg, good motility, etc...

Another 2ww begins.......

My new BFF

Not my new best friend forever, my BIG FAT FOLLICLE!  I wanted to make up a new fertility acronym. My left ovary was a rock star and produced a 22mm follicle by this morning, and some smaller ones. The right one had a bunch of smaller ones.  They like to do the trigger shot if you have 1+ follicles over 20mm. I asked the question about waiting for the smaller ones to grow and then do shot, but the nurse said that once you have a big one, if it releases your lining works with it, and you throw your system "off" if more come after.
So, I take the trigger shot in about an hour, then have IUI#2 tomorrow at 9am, and saturday probably around 9am.  She did give me some medicine to take tonight to make my lining thicken up...they like to see it past 8. Whatever measurement they are using, and mine is at 6 something.
Oh yah, the other thing I asked the nurse was how do you know if there is an egg in the follicle....? That's what is supposed to happen, doesn't mean it does. In her experience she says 9 out of 10 times there is usually an egg. Realize that is not scientific data, but made me more hopeful considering I only have one follicle this time, instead of two like last time.

I also went over and saw the house tonight...great floor plan, good 'bones', and I could see myself living there. It will need inspections, etc..because there are a lot of internal cracks in walls, etc..assuming from foundation. Not worried. We'll get inspections, ask for reductions...see if deal works out. We are working to sign contract, should be done tonight. My realtor just called and said it's good we got offer in because there was someone planning to make a full price offer tomorrow morning.  Wow....my realtor said she's not surprised considering the location, size, and price.  So excited.  I have to say that the prospect of making money in the long run excites me too. It's what I did w/ my last house too....bought low, fixed up, and sold. 
With real estate, though, not a done deal until closing day.

Sight Unseen

I just put in an offer on a house sight unseen. Who does that?!  I DO!! The thing is, it is on the same street my old house used to be on so I know the neighborhood well--lived there 6 years....and it is a GREAT deal. That's what's gotten me so excited.  The sellers didn't even have it on the market a day when my realtor found out about it this morning, called me, and said if I wanted it I better put in an offer.  I did, and she was right. She told me that when she called the realtor, they said that several people were calling about it already.  It is in original condition and needs some updating, but the bones of the house are really good.  I'm going to go inside of it tomorrow.  I have to say, this is a risky thing even for me to do, and I take risks.  Seriously though, worse case scenario I decide in the 10 day option period I don't want it, and I am only out 100 bucks. OR, I buy it, fix it up, and sell it for a profit--I don't have to live in it if I don't want to--and stay in my tiny apartment.  Sounds crazy when there are so many areas that are depressed, but where I live (this area in particular) has steadily increased and not seen a hit due to financial crisis.
I don't see a downside here.  I may have remorse tomorrow, but tonight is grand.

I have felt so different with this medication this month. My ovaries have activity, but it feels different. I don't have a constant "full" feeling--that comes and goes--and they hurt a bit more. I'm worried that cysts may be growing and then they'll have to cancel this cycle.  I'll know tomorrow morning at 7:40am when I have my follicular scan.  I have also decided that if I do get to move forward w/ an IUI, that in the second week of the 2WW I am going to schedule appt w/ Doctor. I want us to be prepared for what to do next if this doesn't work. Especially because I need to get medication via mail pharmacy, not local--and we know how that didn't work this month.  I want to test his thoughts on what next if I have 2 failed IUI's. I don't want to keep trying same thing over and over. I would expect we change protocol, or maybe shortly move to IVF. I am 36, not getting younger, and don't want to spend a lot of time. I'd rather spend more money doing something that has a higher success rate.  Even then, no guarantee.

Order Placed #2

Okay folks, I made my second bank purchase and it is on the way.  The Dr's office only wants you to order 2 vials at a time, which is kind of a bummer because I'd rather have the back-ups already there and save the shipping costs each month. But, hey, that's how they do it. Perhaps they are trying to stimulate positive thinking: "I won't need back up because this time it will work!".? Just maybe...
I have really had a headache from this medication. Today worse than other days. I can also tell something is happening w/ my ovaries...they are starting to feel 'full' again. If I could minus the headache and really bad back throbbing, I'd be doing a lot better. 

I decided to start a more healthy eating program. I've lost my way w/ the types of food I am eating--chips, sweets, just junk that I don't normally eat.  I'm a stress eater so if I eat more, that's fine...but I'm not just eating more, it's WHAT I am eating more of that I'm struggling with.  I haven't wanted to cook and have been eating out a lot too. So Sunday I just decided it's time to shake it up. I am taking their challenge and I'll do it for 3 weeks. It's a place that makes fresh food in their kitchen--no preservatives, calorie controlled, and you get 3 meals and 2 snacks, pick it up twice a week. It is pricey, but what else do I spend money on (besides trying to have a baby)...nada.
Part of me has realized that I need to keep other priorities moving forward WHILE trying to have a baby. I found that I have been putting things on the back-burner (like focusing on eating right, etc..). I have to be realistic in that this could be a long journey, and my health/lowering my weight needs to remain a priority too. For some reason I was thinking I could only focus on one or the other....and just had the realization I can and should focus on both. 

Hope my back, head, and ovaries feel better tomorrow.