The big day is almost here

I'm a mess. My girl is starting preschool tomorrow and here I sit with tears in my eyes. I can't believe how much emotion is coming out of me for school!

I'm wondering if our terrible experience trying daycare when she was 18mo old is clouding the situation now. That experience was nothing short of torturous. She would scream after me and my heart was breaking in pieces. I left sobbing myself several days. I have a lot of worry and anxiety about her being overwhelmed, scared, and sad mommys not there. Here I go again fresh tears in my eyes. 

We did go visit on Friday the 8th and got to see her classroom--kids were off since it was a Friday--and meet her teacher. My girl was in a mood that day and everything wasn't fair and she wanted to go to the playground and couldn't. She wasn't listening or following instructions. Cue the cringing inside hoping the director wasn't judging me.

However, they couldn't have been any nicer and the admission lady was sweet as could be--very warm and positive. It reinforced my decision about going there--even though it's expensive.

I did go to the other preschool just to put our name on the list for fall--so we have an option if this one doesn't work. The other is cheaper but I don't have high hopes of getting schedule we'd like. And sometimes the saying is true you get what you pay for.

For now, we chose m-th it goes 845-1145. That is considered the full curriculum. In the fall I will add a few afternoons so she will go until 230.

I'm having a much harder time than she is, I'm sure. When I talk about school some days she says great! Some days she says she doesn't want to go. 

The teacher sent an email Sunday night and it really was nice-she gave me some tips for tomorrow and sent a selfie pic of her and the assistant to show my girl. She also took a pic of the schedule and sent it. She reassured me that it will be fine and my girl will do great.

Was such a nice, personal note.

I felt better after reading.

So, here goes to the start of our school  days!!

Things

It's kind of funny how I'm not a pack rat by any shape stretch or form, but grew up with a mom the complete opposite. She liked her "stuff". Stacks of this, piles of that--but if you wanted to know where anything was she could tell you. I can still hear her yelling out from the other room-it's on the shelf behind the papers on the top of the stack--and by golly it would be there. I wasn't very good at finding things, though, and she'd always sigh and say-use your eyeballs!

The only exception to my clutter-free house (besides toys) is old clothes and a few things. For me, I hang on to them because of the memories. As an example I have a ton of volleyball tshirts throughout the years and whenever I drag one out I remember where I was that year, what was going on. Most of them have years printed on them.

Baby clothes. Can't even consider giving them away, least not yet. All of my girls clothes are washed and folded neatly in a purple bin. Noone's using them, someone less fortunate could really benefit because there is a ton--most of them were presents--so a small fortune in adorable clothes just sits there. My son's haven't even made it in a bin yet. They are stacked in his closet. Just the other day I went in there and just loved seeing the teeny zipped jammies, I held them in front of my face and realized how big my boy is now--brought a warmness and smile to me.

Things tied to my mom.  We have this pillow that has been shuffled around with our toys for ages. It's small, doesn't get played with, but it's remained in our toy box for as long as I can remember. My mom used to use the pillow when in the car back and forth between hospital/Drs visits.  A few months back my girl was holding the pillow and said-is this from grandma? I kind of got chills--my girl just saying grandma out of the blue and how in the world would she know that?  Then I thought back further and I may have told her that awhile ago that it was her grandmas and she just remembered.

Tonight this pillow was in the play area and she said:

Baby girl: is this grandpas?

Me: you mean grandmas?

Baby girl: yes.

Me: it is.

Baby girl: where is she?

Me: you mean grandma? She's in heaven baby.

Baby girl: we should go and see her.

Oh that made my heart ache. Brought tears to my eyes and I'm crying now just typing it out. 

So, some things may be sad, or wildly funny, or just.....whatever emotion comes from seeing it. Songs bring back memories for people but for me it's clothes and a few things.

That is why I keep them.

Confession

I have a confession to make. I think I am terrified of preschool.

My daughter is now 3 years 5 months old. I intentionally didn't even think about preschool for her because of all the changes happening in our lives after she turned 2....we brought a new baby home, we moved states, then moved again to our current home, the change in nannies, the challenging behavior, the sickness, etc.. My plan all along was to put her in preschool when she turned 4 this fall. I figured by then she'd be super verbal, able to express anything bothering her, etc. and perhaps the transition/any separation issues would be ok. I got over the fact that 'everyone' seemed to start their kids at the latest 3.

However, before xmas I had been talking w/ one of my coworkers who has highschool aged kids and she gave me some advice about preschools in the area, where her daughter went many years ago (connected to a church), so I just started investigating.  Am I glad I started when I did!! Little did I know preschool is an industry here. I almost started a spreadsheet comparing location, prices, schedules, afternoon offerings....but that would have been ridiculous, almost.
What I've discovered:
--There are waitlists--long ones. If you want your kid to get in anywhere now.
--It's totally expensive-over 600/mo for some if you want morning/afternoon M-F
--They have this cost thing where there is a flat fee for morning sessions, but if you want afternoon too a "lunch bunch" some of them call it, you add $65/per afternoon day a month.
EXAMPLE: MWF 8:45-11:45 - $205. BUT, if you tack on afternoon that's an additional 65x3 (195/mo) for a grand total of $400/month.
--a lot of them are enormous....example, 6 classes of 15 = 90 3 year olds!
--the registration process for the Fall starts in January! Like now!
--the registration process is like black friday after thanksgiving. Current students get to sign up one day, then the next day members of the church/school, then third day general public. First come first serve, doors open at 7am for most schools. My neighbor said I'm not "camping" to get my kid in school. I said huh? She said doors may open at 7, but people get there in the middle of the night to get in line to make sure they get a spot.

I've been somewhat 'schooled' in how crazy a process is...it's totally overwhelming. My mind gets totally anxious thinking about school for her....Aside from piecing together everything above, how do I make sure I choose the best one? What if the one I want we somehow can't get in? Is a church-based one okay? How am I going to fit in going on all the tours? What if the teachers aren't that great? What if she reacts like she did when we tried daycare-disaster.? What if it's not challenging enough for her i.e. she knows a lot of the basics.

So, before the holidays when I realized registration coming fast, I took a tour of the one my coworker's child went to years ago before and I really liked it. Good vibe, great facility, the tour lady made me feel good that I wasn't damaging my child somehow by not having her in school already. I wanted to tour some others but couldn't get in before holiday closures.  When I was there I talked to the woman about current openings and heard the same story, wait lists wait lists....but, she'd go ahead and put us on for the 3 year old class. I didn't expect to hear a thing.

Today, I happened to call them asking about when they stop taking new students for this school year and lo and behold she said they have a spot open and do we want it?! She was going to call me today.
At first I said awesome, great...we'll take it. She gave us a choice of MWF or M-TH and I need to let her know tomorrow. But, even while we were talking my stomach sank. I don't know why other than I think I've realized maybe now mama's the one not ready. It feels so fast...I just got my mind around thinking about school for the Fall and now, she could go in a week or so.  On the way home tonight I thought about what would happen if she went to school and was upset crying and I wasn't there to comfort her? I actually started crying myself thinking of her being sad w/out me. I'm so much more of a mama bear than I was even aware of i.e. I don't want anyone to be mean to her, tease her, be ugly to her....I know that's not real world, life...but at home I can protect her from all of that. At school....I can not.
I know I've been slow to transition from things: like she still sleeps in her crib (however she just started crawling out on a regular basis so we are going to look for a big girl bed soon), I still let her have a bottle, she didn't potty train until age 3...oh yes, I forgot to say she is fully potty trained!! No more diapers during the day--just overnight, and many mornings she is dry. But to jump from her being home all the time to now going to school....it just feels like....all grown up already.

So, I researched this afternoon what is better, 3 days/week or more or less and mostly it depends on the child.  I've decided I will take her, the nanny, my son, and I over there tomorrow to get the paperwork and just see how she reacts. Maybe they will let her go in a classroom or something. Tonight she told me she wasn't old enough for school (I've been telling her she can go when she's 4)....but then I said guess what, 3 year olds can go too--she said wait, I'm 3! I said YES, that means you can go now if you want to. She said it sounded like fun.
This coming from the child who also said to me tonight when we were doing bedtime talk....wait, I'm not finished with you yet! When I was trying to tell her it was nigh-night time :)

What happened to preschool that's conducted in someone's basement (oh yeah, that's the midwest) and there were like 10 kids total in the class and it cost close to nothing.....??
Think best thing to do is just go see what we think. It's not a permanent decision i.e. if it doesn't work, we don't sign up, or if we do I can always pull her out if it's not working.

I started to put away our holiday stuff and I couldn't resist sharing this picture...we've gone to see Santa every year and this year both kids decided sticking their tongue out was cool.

2016...Hello!

The Sunday we were coming back home my son sounded like a dog/seal when he tried to breathe in. The entire night before we were up all night--my son coughing and me worried sick. Took him to urgent care--croup.

Poor baby.

Upon reflection the least stressful time we had was the drive over. It was a rough few days. My son was crying almost non-stop which makes me very anxious. It was hard to relax when I knew he was feeling so bad and the only thing that worked consistently was feeding him.

Croup, constipated, no sleep, rash, lump, teething. That'll do it.

I'm worried about him now because he's thinning out very quickly--I know he is growing but I think stopping the dairy milk has made him not get enough fat in his diet.

And my girl--try this one on. We are waiting to hear back on a culture for chicken pox!!

Sure enough when we came back from our trip she had these little red bumps all over--I noticed a few on her neck before we left but thought they were just bites. Since many more popped up over several days took her to pediatrician this past Tuesday. They weren't sure so we could either do blood work or go dermatologist. They suggested derm because if not chicken pox they not sure what it is. We've been putting calamin.e lotion on and they look much better these last few days. Derm doesn't think that's what they are but we shall see.

I recently told our nanny we need to stop going to the public play place and the bouncy place they go to for awhile. That has to be where they are picking up all of this crap. It's been constant sickness since October and it's exhausting for all of us. Stomach bugs, nasty virus took us to ER, colds, runny noses, fevers, croup, bumps....

It is hello 2016--2015 was a rough year for me.

Started with looking for new job.

Started said job in April--everyone was sick, I had strep, even the cat was sick.

Relocated family to temporary apartment.

Hired a new nanny--transition w my girl when I went back to work was beyond tough.

Switched to another new nanny.

Bought a house that needed an entire house renovation--no regrets just a lot of work. Did that may-August.

Relocated the family again into our house.

Switched to our third nanny.

My eye/health scare. Drs appts, mri, the waiting and waiting. This is a small sentence but overshadowed a lot of my year. Sept got false frightening news and turns out not correct. Still just diagnosed w benign eye condition.

My sister's surgery that could have gone better--what we did for thanksgiving.

Our first ER visit in October-My children have been sick w something on and off for last 3 months all October-December. 

If I need to wonder why I was so tired this year and not beat myself up over still having boxes in the front living room I'll just read this again.

There were several bright spots--my son took his first steps this past week!! Guess he figured at 14 mo it was time.

My girl has changed from a toddler to a little girl--her thoughts continue to amaze me. We've had true FUN as a family of 3. When we all laugh together....family dinners at the table. Some of my favorite moments this year are being at the park pushing both my babies and hearing their squeals. And I can't forget having one baby snuggled on the left and my other baby snuggled in the right, both in my lap drinking bottles. Okay that will be a goal for 2016.

I'll save my thoughts for this new year  for another post.

Favorite xmas gift-skates!