Reopening Halted

Big sigh. Our state is having a crazy amount of new virus cases since reopening began, ICU beds are at capacity in my city, and now they have halted reopening. The mask battle is on again and they made wearing one mandatory again in certain counties, closed bars completely again. Turns out the age group seeing the biggest spike is 30-39, then 20-29, then older 40+.
Apparently people here think they are invincible, didn’t need to wear masks, and socially distance. Apparently cramming into a bar was more important.
I’m honestly feeling mad. Mad that a lot of people don’t seem to give two craps about other people. Wearing a mask is not about you. A girl on the news said it best that following the rules is not political it’s about humanity.

I’m thinking I’m in a similar spot as others in that I’m fatigued. Is this ever going to end?? When can I go to the store and not worry I’m going to catch something that could make me die? How many bottles of sanitizer will I use? How many more times do I need to say ‘No’ to my kids and have them answer for me ‘It’s because of the virus’.?

I was starting to do more and more back in public and feeling less anxious about it. The more I did the better I felt about being back ‘out’. For example, I debated a bit about swimming classes. The school we went to last summer was offering one on one lessons for group rate in month of June. At first I ignored the email, but as time went on I thought more/did research. The instructors wore shields, they checked temps, sanitized chairs after each class, etc. SO....we did it. They’ve had class Monday and Wednesday and it’s been really good. The kids have really liked seeing other people again and getting to do something other than ride bikes and just look at parks they couldn’t play in. My son has even learned to do some strokes and last year he was just learning how to float. He’s come a long way.
We also started going to our 2 neighborhood pools once they opened. When it’s 100degrees there just isn’t much else to do. You have to stay socially distanced in the pool— which for me is easy but my extremely extroverted daughter just can’t help herself trying to play with someone other than her brother. I don’t blame her, really. She has likely felt stifled at home.
Side note, but a good one, is that we have again gotten some improvement with moods/behavior and I can’t be more grateful.

It seems that with the pause in reopening they are only shutting back down bars. Pools, retail stores, etc are remaining open.
I can only hope it helps stop the rate of infection.
The governor did say that schools will be returning to in person instruction in the fall however, given where we are now, I suspect they could roll that back too. Please no.

Overall we are hanging in there like everyone else. However, I took a look back at my goals I set up and I’m not doing so well. Not well at all.
1. No caffeine: fell off wagon. Every time we or I eat out I get a fountain Diet Coke. And I will say it’s so delicious, I love it and there’s a reason it’s addictive for me. I get a ‘good feel’ when I think about it for lunch and I get a ‘downer feel’ when Im not going to have for lunch. Ugh. I looked back and can’t believe I quit for two whole weeks. I had been working on trying to find a substitute like the caffeine free but it just isn’t that good. My therapist told me something that was a light bulb—there probably isn’t anything that will substitute. She’s probably right. But, I just don’t want to give it up right now.
2. Limiting eating out: fell off wagon. Took kids 3 x this week and we actually went in the restaurant (clearly stopping that ASAP). This one is just me being lazy and using it as a coping method.
3. Better sleep hygiene: fell off wagon. I read that one book ( actually liked it) but when my girl struggles to fall asleep sometimes until 11, I still want my ME time. That and because of the caffeine I’m simply not tired.

So, this is actually good reflecting space. I didn’t realize until now I’m just way off track. Crazy off track.  Honestly I keep telling myself just hang in until August when kids go to school...THEN I can really focus. Then I ask myself why not now? And then I tell myself I’m not sure I have it in me right now, that’s why. I’ve told myself that these are hard times. Maybe all that is excuse. Well, it kind of is, but at this moment I’m ok w it.
My mental conversation at its finest.

On some happier news, this has been a major summer of firsts for my son.
He:
Learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels
Lost his first tooth
Potty trained overnight (yes!) He simply decided one day he was ready. That’s how he does things.
Learned how to swim
Got his first pair of goggles
Jumped off diving board for first time
Got a new bed
Held a baby for the first time
Finished preschool

Some exciting, fun things during this crazy time in our lives.

Hope you all are staying safe and healthy.

Emotional Day

My sister told me awhile ago that even tough my Dad was cremated, the woman he married bought a plot and they were going to bury him. She said they had talked and they were going to do a military salute since he retired from the navy. Considering the pandemic I assumed it would would be awhile before they did anything.
Well, my sister calls me a few days ago and said they were going to the cemetery today. I don’t have any idea why today. There isn’t a significance of this date that I am aware of. And then I started thinking and getting a bit upset. What if I did want to be there?? There’s no way I can fly, or take a several day road trip with two small children..and all at the last minute. I wouldn’t have thought given the pandemic that they would have done a graveside gathering. Ultimately I’m not sure I would have gone but not really having a choice is what bothered me the most. Although, to take some ownership I could have asked about it
As we talked again yesterday she told me that my estranged sister, one of my dad’s two sisters, my sister I talk to, and my brother were going. We tried to figure the last time she/we saw my other sister and it’s been 6 years we think. Since my niece graduated high school and she’s now 24. She wasn’t sure if my sister was coming alone or bringing her husband and/or 3 kids (24,will be 22, will be 20 this year).
Just thinking about everyone getting together brought up anxiety for me. There’s so much history and real reasons why we are estranged from my sister and her kids. It can be a bad recipe when there’s emotions, not seeing each other for years, and putting all that in the same area. The sister I talk to also has a hard time holding back when she’s upset. It’s actually just sad. We all lived under the same roof growing up.
I had told a friend of mine over this past weekend about the funeral and she asked about whether I was joining by FaceT.ime? I hadn’t even thought about it and mentioned it to my sister yesterday. We agreed we would do it.

So, today I attended my Dads funeral by face.time. I ‘rode’ in the car with my sister and brother to the cemetery. My brother is actually going to be 40 this year and us girls are 45,47,49. Wow.
The people in person were my sister, brother, my estranged sister and her 3 kids, one of my dad’s sisters (who is in her 90s) and her friend, and the woman my dad married. I say it like that because my mom was his wife. Period.

(Pause for me to sob for a minute).

I’m just thinking about my mom/dad married and how fractured we became after she passed—this year will be 12 years. Now, both my parents are gone and I haven’t seen my estranged sister in 6 years. She’s never met my son. My sister I talk to has a lot of struggles, and I’m not that close with my brother. I’m processing these emotions real time as I’m writing this out.

Back to the car ride we pull up to cemetery and there’s a tractor next to a plot. I asked my brother why there is a tractor, but he doesn’t hear me. It’s raining hard there, which feels fitting. My brother turned the camera around as we all watched them putting dirt over the box. They ended up not being able to get the salute due to the pandemic (no surprise and why the timing was confusing) so my nephew played the salute. It was quiet no one said a word.
Once the man put all the dirt on he simply turned on his tractor and left. My brother asked if I wanted to see the plaque and I did. I didn’t have much emotion until I saw his name, date of birth, date of death.

(Pause. Lots more crying)

Then, it was over. No speeches, no talking. Just quiet, respectful.

They all decided then that they would gather at a restaurant. As everyone was getting ready to go something just came over me and I wanted my estranged sister to see ‘meet’ my kids. I send her Christmas picture cards every year but she only saw my daughter when she was 2 and never met my son. She was crying/hugging my brother and said yes. So, I called in my girl and my son and explained this was my sister and brother. I hear my sister saying my son looks just like me. My daughter showed them one of her toys and my son showed them his missing tooth. And just like that they were off again. But not before asking why I was crying.

My brother and other sister took me back in the car and we debriefed for a few minutes. I said that lunch could be tough but we all need to be kind. My sister asked if I was talking about her and I just said...’well..?’. She got the point.

That was much more emotional than I expected or was prepared for. Actually, when my sister initially called I was still in bed.  Babysitter came this morning so I was just using my time to rest/relax.

I’m sure I’ll hear more after the lunch. I just hope they can all be civil to each other. I hope no one mentions money ie that my dad willed everything to that woman. That my dad took over my moms 30k stock which was supposed to be used for grandkid education and willed it to her. That my estranged sister made a lot of bad choices. Yes, please universe let them eat in peace.