I wanted to at least do one more post to end 2019 and of course the decade. I will not miss 2019. This has been a hard year with my emergency surgery, my daughters challenges, my son being sick a lot, my sister had a terrible year all the way around, and my dad passing away.
So yeah, I welcome 2020 with open arms. I may write a summary post of 2019, the last 10 years, etc which of course is the decade I welcomed my children and life changed!.....but not tonight. Tonight I will focus on the start of a new time in my life. I’m reclaiming my health.
It started with finding a new therapist that I actually think will challenge me in the way I need challenged. I’m so hopeful. Next step is to leave corporate America for awhile. I’ve now decided at least 6 months. It makes me anxious to say a year or more so let’s just keep it manageable. Then, it will be to start working on my physical health. I’ve got some goals. And right now they are about me. I’ve put my health on the back burner for 7 years. It wasn’t intentional it just happened as I fell to the bottom of the list. As a single parent, I get it. But now it’s time.
It’s as good as any, right? Next month I will be 45. Here I come.
Welcome 2020. My heart and mind is open to possibilities. It’s the year of health-for me and my children, and for all my loved ones.
Happy New Year to you all!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Sad News
I just looked to see that it's been a month since I wrote last. I skipped the whole month of November. That hasn't happened very often since the beginning of this blog...but suffice it to say that when I go radio silent, I've got a lot on my plate. Writing in my blog just seemed like another thing to do, and believe me, it wasn't at the top of my priority list.
Where do I even begin.....
It's been a roller coaster this last month. Unfortunately things have been really tough for my girl and really the whole family. I mentioned last post that she was having some issues and it seemed to be getting somewhat more manageable, until it wasn't. Over the last 3 weeks or so it's been a real challenge. This poor poor baby. She's been struggling just trying to go to school.
I decided the play therapist was a no go, so I found a psychologist....thank you for the last commenter who shared some thoughts on the play therapist. I agree with a lot of what you said, I think where I was struggling is that I felt pretty strongly that we weren't with the 'right one' for us. Also, I thought that we needed a bit more clinical approach w/ a Dr. in psychology.
So, I reached out to the office one of her teachers recommended, and we were paired up with their child psychologist. And the universe was so kind to me..... I was able to work with my insurance and get an exception for the out of network provider to be considered in network. What does that translate into? Instead of paying the full price of $175/each session, I will pay, but then get reimbursed so that it net costs me $20. Thank you so much universe.
So, we started seeing her about 4 weeks ago. I met her first at the very end of october to go through all that was going on, and then my girl started to see her the following week. Right from the get-go my girl was comfortable with her and went back with her all by herself. That was such a good start.
I have really been hopeful/encouraged with this psychologist. She is very calm, matter of fact, my daughter likes her, and she not only is doing therapy with my child, but she is working with me on parenting her, AND our relationship together. Almost half the session I am in there too talking about what is going on, etc. and then my girl stays to talk individually.
Every week she's got some handout or some new exercise for us to try.
The problem through all of this is that while it is helpful, therapy takes a lot of time to see real improvement--like months. And my girl has been having some tough days in the meantime. Sometimes she's so worked up that we can't even do the tools we've been learning i.e. mindfulness, breathing/calming techniques. I was feeling like we were making some progress in the month that we've been going there, mornings were getting 'slightly' better. Then we had Thanksgiving break.....and after the week off, going back to school has been so hard. I feel like we are at the beginning again. Last night she had what I would consider a tantrum from 5:30pm-8:00pm. She was exhausted. She's not eating well at school either. Her lunches are coming back almost the same way they left the house. The fatigue is one of the hardest things to deal with as well.....this poor kid is exhausted. She does fine after school until closer to bed....but if I get her in too late, it's not good. I moved her bedtime up an hour before the thanksgiving break and that actually was helping some.
I mentioned in my last post, but this is going to be a journey. Some days okay, some days really not. Ive got a lot of feelings about all of this, but my biggest one is sadness right now for her, for me, for my son. Right now, it is just so hard for everyone. My poor son, he sees his sister getting so upset, and all he wants to do is try and help....he tries to comfort her.....and sometimes it works, but sometimes she just lashes back out at him.
One thing I saw that brought me to tears was watching my son be so tender with her during one of her moments. She was crying and he asked her if she wanted to sit by him on the couch. She laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. He then put his arm on her shoulder and said, 'It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay'. Then he says, 'You know what I learned at school today? I learned about the number 7. You are 7. So if you get upset, just think about that'. Be still my heart.
And you know what? She sat with him and calmed down.
I'm still working through all of this and figuring out the best way to manage. We are going to continue seeing the psychologist weekly and hope she can help guide us.
Thanksgiving
We were actually supposed to go to the midwest over the holiday. I had actually purchased tickets back in July when they had a really good sale. However, with all that has been going on, I just didn't feel like we should go. We have all been exhausted. Another universe being kind to me--I expected a battle on trying to get our flight refunded and the airline customer service agent could not have been more kind. He found a way to refund the entire flight. Oh thank you. So, instead of going out of town, we had a staycation and went to the same hotel we went to back on July 4th. Indoor pool, amazing breakfast. Just the 3 of us.
Unfortunately the night of our stay I got a call from my brother to call him right away. When I first saw his name pop up I just assumed they were calling to say hi/whatever since he and my sister were over at my Dad's for a Thanksgiving get together.
When I did actually talk to him it was not good. They were on the way to the hospital and the ambulance was taking my Dad.
Unfortunately my Dad didn't make it and he died on Thanksgiving.
I was a bit stunned and in shock. My stomach fell to the floor. He hadn't been in the best of health for years, but this was just unexpected to me. All I could think about was two things....one, he had called me about 3 weeks ago and asked me to call him back to tell him what the kids might like for Christmas and I hadn't called him back yet.....two, it didn't even occur to me to call on Thanksgiving. I had been so wrapped up in what was happening here, that the thought didn't even cross my mind.
All I could think about was that I hadn't called him back and now.......I will never again be able to. I don't know why this particular thing has stuck with me and replayed itself over and over. I think I am worried that maybe he thought I didn't care. I didn't want him leaving this earth thinking I didn't love him. As difficult as our relationship has been over the years, he was still my Dad.
And now I am crying.
It has been a mixmaster of emotions. I've gotten that sadly familiar yearning feeling like after my mom passed....hard to explain unless you've felt it yourself. I found myself holding it together okay until the next morning when I just started sobbing....really grieving. I remember vividly how that goes....it's like a wave washing over you. All I am trying to do is let whatever I feel come up and just feel it.....and let it out.
It's a lot to process. Things were just complicated with him. There won't be a funeral since he didn't want one, so I am still here and not planning to travel there.
And my sister.....well, she's not doing well. She isn't dealing well at all. She went to the ER the other day because she hadn't been eating/drinking well for a few days and with one kidney, that's not an option. And as much as I don't want to write this, she's been self-medicating.
It's just been a lot. I've been doing the best I can and I know we'll get through this difficult time. I asked the psychologist who she would refer me to for my own therapy, someone who focuses on adults, and they have one in their office. I'm going to see if I can't get set up with her.
I know we'll get through this. Things are just really hard right now.
Where do I even begin.....
It's been a roller coaster this last month. Unfortunately things have been really tough for my girl and really the whole family. I mentioned last post that she was having some issues and it seemed to be getting somewhat more manageable, until it wasn't. Over the last 3 weeks or so it's been a real challenge. This poor poor baby. She's been struggling just trying to go to school.
I decided the play therapist was a no go, so I found a psychologist....thank you for the last commenter who shared some thoughts on the play therapist. I agree with a lot of what you said, I think where I was struggling is that I felt pretty strongly that we weren't with the 'right one' for us. Also, I thought that we needed a bit more clinical approach w/ a Dr. in psychology.
So, I reached out to the office one of her teachers recommended, and we were paired up with their child psychologist. And the universe was so kind to me..... I was able to work with my insurance and get an exception for the out of network provider to be considered in network. What does that translate into? Instead of paying the full price of $175/each session, I will pay, but then get reimbursed so that it net costs me $20. Thank you so much universe.
So, we started seeing her about 4 weeks ago. I met her first at the very end of october to go through all that was going on, and then my girl started to see her the following week. Right from the get-go my girl was comfortable with her and went back with her all by herself. That was such a good start.
I have really been hopeful/encouraged with this psychologist. She is very calm, matter of fact, my daughter likes her, and she not only is doing therapy with my child, but she is working with me on parenting her, AND our relationship together. Almost half the session I am in there too talking about what is going on, etc. and then my girl stays to talk individually.
Every week she's got some handout or some new exercise for us to try.
The problem through all of this is that while it is helpful, therapy takes a lot of time to see real improvement--like months. And my girl has been having some tough days in the meantime. Sometimes she's so worked up that we can't even do the tools we've been learning i.e. mindfulness, breathing/calming techniques. I was feeling like we were making some progress in the month that we've been going there, mornings were getting 'slightly' better. Then we had Thanksgiving break.....and after the week off, going back to school has been so hard. I feel like we are at the beginning again. Last night she had what I would consider a tantrum from 5:30pm-8:00pm. She was exhausted. She's not eating well at school either. Her lunches are coming back almost the same way they left the house. The fatigue is one of the hardest things to deal with as well.....this poor kid is exhausted. She does fine after school until closer to bed....but if I get her in too late, it's not good. I moved her bedtime up an hour before the thanksgiving break and that actually was helping some.
I mentioned in my last post, but this is going to be a journey. Some days okay, some days really not. Ive got a lot of feelings about all of this, but my biggest one is sadness right now for her, for me, for my son. Right now, it is just so hard for everyone. My poor son, he sees his sister getting so upset, and all he wants to do is try and help....he tries to comfort her.....and sometimes it works, but sometimes she just lashes back out at him.
One thing I saw that brought me to tears was watching my son be so tender with her during one of her moments. She was crying and he asked her if she wanted to sit by him on the couch. She laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. He then put his arm on her shoulder and said, 'It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay'. Then he says, 'You know what I learned at school today? I learned about the number 7. You are 7. So if you get upset, just think about that'. Be still my heart.
And you know what? She sat with him and calmed down.
I'm still working through all of this and figuring out the best way to manage. We are going to continue seeing the psychologist weekly and hope she can help guide us.
Thanksgiving
We were actually supposed to go to the midwest over the holiday. I had actually purchased tickets back in July when they had a really good sale. However, with all that has been going on, I just didn't feel like we should go. We have all been exhausted. Another universe being kind to me--I expected a battle on trying to get our flight refunded and the airline customer service agent could not have been more kind. He found a way to refund the entire flight. Oh thank you. So, instead of going out of town, we had a staycation and went to the same hotel we went to back on July 4th. Indoor pool, amazing breakfast. Just the 3 of us.
Unfortunately the night of our stay I got a call from my brother to call him right away. When I first saw his name pop up I just assumed they were calling to say hi/whatever since he and my sister were over at my Dad's for a Thanksgiving get together.
When I did actually talk to him it was not good. They were on the way to the hospital and the ambulance was taking my Dad.
Unfortunately my Dad didn't make it and he died on Thanksgiving.
I was a bit stunned and in shock. My stomach fell to the floor. He hadn't been in the best of health for years, but this was just unexpected to me. All I could think about was two things....one, he had called me about 3 weeks ago and asked me to call him back to tell him what the kids might like for Christmas and I hadn't called him back yet.....two, it didn't even occur to me to call on Thanksgiving. I had been so wrapped up in what was happening here, that the thought didn't even cross my mind.
All I could think about was that I hadn't called him back and now.......I will never again be able to. I don't know why this particular thing has stuck with me and replayed itself over and over. I think I am worried that maybe he thought I didn't care. I didn't want him leaving this earth thinking I didn't love him. As difficult as our relationship has been over the years, he was still my Dad.
And now I am crying.
It has been a mixmaster of emotions. I've gotten that sadly familiar yearning feeling like after my mom passed....hard to explain unless you've felt it yourself. I found myself holding it together okay until the next morning when I just started sobbing....really grieving. I remember vividly how that goes....it's like a wave washing over you. All I am trying to do is let whatever I feel come up and just feel it.....and let it out.
It's a lot to process. Things were just complicated with him. There won't be a funeral since he didn't want one, so I am still here and not planning to travel there.
And my sister.....well, she's not doing well. She isn't dealing well at all. She went to the ER the other day because she hadn't been eating/drinking well for a few days and with one kidney, that's not an option. And as much as I don't want to write this, she's been self-medicating.
It's just been a lot. I've been doing the best I can and I know we'll get through this difficult time. I asked the psychologist who she would refer me to for my own therapy, someone who focuses on adults, and they have one in their office. I'm going to see if I can't get set up with her.
I know we'll get through this. Things are just really hard right now.
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