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Today was the first day this year my car temp read triple digits. May 27th. It was SOOO hot today. It wasn't just temperature hot, it was sticky humid too. The south does have its benefits but oh man when it's this hot you just want to take cover....except if you have 2 super active kids.

I looked back at. Note I wrote and we got our babypools out for the first time back on march 19th. Same day my son picked his first flower for me unprompted!

One other random tidbit I wrote a note to myself that my girl had asked me my favorite color. I said white ( for some reason) and she said 'oh that's horrible!" I asked why? And she said 'because there's nothing on it'.

So even though it was so hot we did have a nice breeze and overcast a bit-- which was good because we spent half the day outside!! Decided to go to 'swing park' this morning: not to be confused with 'pocket park', 'sand park', or 'faraway park'. One really good benefit of living out here. There was some party there which doesn't happen often. But as we walked up and I explained there was a party my girl says 'hey, I wasn't invited!'. Uh, no we don't know these people. There was something about the swings today--my son just let me push and push him (normally he wants out soon)--while my girl was next to us showing me how she learned how to swing all by herself. I swear we must have done that for at least 10 minutes...that's an eternity with these two at the park. I even felt zen for some reason with the back and forth back and forth. It actually was so pleasant.

We stopped by pocketpark on the way back home then I decided I wasn't into cooking lunch so we went out. Came home for rest time and I should put that in big quotes because my son has decided he doesn't have to nap for me. So aggravating because he sleeps approx 2 hours w nanny everyday. I just keep telling myself he just wants to be with me. Ha!

Then because by this time it was so hot we decided to go to our neighborhood pool that opened up this weekend. The overhead sun was really hot, but kids had their hats--I forgot how much crap it takes to go to the pool. 2 beach bags full of towels, diapers, change of clothes, goggles, sunscreen, etc and etc!

It was good I had all those supplies because turns out diarrhea smells terrible in a babypool. Yup, as we are all in there i started smelling something like the sewer and was thinking it smelled too bad to be my son. Nope. I pulled him closer and sure enough it was him and up the back of his shirt. I quickly ushered him and my girl out of the pool and I found a hose near bathrooms to clean off his trunks, shirt, and towel. I wondered whether he was feeling okay before we left because he spit up a little...but was acting okay.

It was quite embarrassing when shortly after we got out a lifeguard walked over to the middle of the babypool and said there was poop. I couldn't have shrunk any lower behind our table. Even more so when a second lifeguard walked over, took a picture, and said the other must be joking.

I was certain we had been reported and they were going to walk over and tell us we had to leave. I was scanning the few people around and no one seemed to be staring at us, thankfully.

Then, since we weren't quite done swimming I did what any good parent would do--we went back in the big pool. Just kiddin--Probably should have left, of course, but it happened, I couldn't change it, and he seemed to be just fine.

Busy day for all of us....we are all worn out.

My girls preschool graduation went off without a hitch. She was cute as a button, my son let me hold him during the program and snuggle, we got great photos, had a nice party in her classroom. Old nanny, new nanny, son, and I were there. We all had tons of smiles. I think it was not stressful for me because I had 2 extra sets of hands! They pretty much handled my son when he got antsy, new nannytook lots of photos, I got video. I felt like I had a squad there and everyone had a job.

It. Was. Great.

Parenting fail, sort of. I knew our kindergarten school was doing an open house back in April. I had company and was not feeling well so didn't end up going. Well, I decided I should probably call the school last week and see about registering for the fall. Registrars office says well, I missed it!! Apparently they have just a short window to pre-register kindergarteners and really do it as a courtesy to new parents. 

Ruh roh.

Lady said not to worry they have fall registration open in early August but not to miss those first few days because August 9th is another open house where we will meet her teacher--hence why we need to register as soon as we can on the 2 or3 so we can be assigned a teacher before the open house.

I'm wondering if im just in denial. I've had angst about this school and really believing we will be going there in the fall. I can't tell you why other than maybe I thought we might move before then? It's weird because even as we would drive by the school and I would say 'there's your kindergarten' there was this thought that would pop in and say well, maybe...

Considering I don't have plans today to go anywhere (at least today) I at least ordered school supplies.

I've also done more thinking about my job and there are really two options 1) go with other part of org or 2) leave company with severance. All this is due to HQ moving to another state. My initial thought was to stay, wouldn't that be the easiest thing? but then.....I started thinking more about the financial impact. It's actually 'better' for me to leave with severance because everything I have in 401k, long term incentives, etc vests on schedule automatically.  If I stayed, it would only vest if I stayed through the year things vest....so to make it simple in order to make the same amount of money I would need to stay at this company until 2020.

I know that's not far from now BUT one of the things I just don't like, never have, is the feeling of being 'locked in' anywhere. I've always worked toward putting myself in a position that I could do what I wanted, when I wanted. So it got me thinking that maybe I DONT want to stay. I'm not concerned I won't find another job....the market is picking up for sure. I have to decide to post on this second job they laid out to me by Wednesday next week. If I choose not to I'm going to have to think about how I explain to the group why I'm not interested now, and I was a month ago.

I feel split about it.

On top of that a manager in the company just called about a role she has in the Midwest. This would be the 3rd time they've asked me about a job up there. I really really want to just stay put. I even found a new designer through a friend of mine that may be just the right person/cost to get my house done and not feel like we just moved in with boxes on my bedroom wall almost 2 years later.

Summer here we come!

By the way my wierd numbness did go away by the following Monday, so maybe it was just a super wierd reaction to anesthesia. I've decided to just go to original dr follow up end of June and take it from there but I do still have second opinion dr lined up in July as needed.

One last thing--my girl started swimming lessons at a new place this year. I thinks it's ok. She loves it. Anyway I was able to go this past Friday to watch and I continue to be amazed at how other people lack of parent. Two boys were jumping all over things, which was fine until they started yelling at my son who was just trying to walk over there....the mama watched her kid be mean and didn't say one word. Listen I believe in letting kids learn how to handle situations but not when they are 2.5. They need to be shown how to act appropriately. I guess I'm surprised because if I caught my son shaking his finger and telling NOooooo at some other little boy, no sir. No sir.
maybe my mama bear will loosen up.
Who am I kidding ;)

Mother's Day and More.....

Preschool graduation is this Thursday. I’m not prepared….not just emotionally, but I haven’t gotten my girl a present! Shame on mama. I have thought about it over last few weeks, asked her if she ‘wanted’ anything (she had to reach really hard and didn’t come up w/ much), so….I think what I will do is get her a card and put a lot of dollars in it. She LOVES putting money in her bank. Not that we’ve spent it on anything, but for some reason she’s always asking me for coins/money to put in there. The school is schedule to have the program start at 9:00am in the church, over by 10:30am, then we go to her class room for the ‘ceremony’. I’m already a mess thinking about it. They wear caps, etc. for it. It should be super cute. Our old nanny is coming in town to celebrate it with us, along w/ current nanny. So, she will have 3 adults and a child supporting her. YAY! She was so excited when I told her I was going to take the WHOLE day off with her. Lately she’s been so sad when I go to work…coming after me and hugging many times/day, even when I’m just going in my room to get ready. My son too for that matter…..maybe they sense change, or something, I don’t know.


We got the teacher assignment for my son starting in September at the same school my daughter will graduate from. I believe it’s the teacher I requested, but honestly not sure yet. I’ll know when I meet her. I’m glad I went to the open house because I wanted to at least get a ‘sense’ of the teachers and see who I might connect w/ the best and who would be best for my son. Considering he is still not using words other than to say “mamamamama” to get someone’s attention…..although he is using many sounds and starting to say consonants. He also created some new ‘signs’ for communicating. He takes his hands and taps them on the chest when he wants to say, “yes, me too”….”or “I like that too”. He does it a lot when we are reading books…for example, we’ll see water, ocean, sand and I’ll call it a beach and he taps himself so I’ll say, “you like the beach too?”…and he’ll say “uh”..(that means yes). He is in speech therapy twice a week now but when we took him to Dr. not long ago she said that by three if he is still not using words, he should be doing intensive therapy 5 days/week. We’ll just have to see. Also, if he’s still not making much progress into the Fall we will need someone who will be very supportive of him/us at school. I’m nervous about thinking about having him start school. He’s well….my baby. Oh dear as I’m typing this my eyes are starting to well up. I continue to be amazed at how much emotion comes out of me when I’m not expecting it when I think about my kids. My heart is just pre-aching for him because he’s never been in a setting without someone he knows like me or nanny.


Don’t tell but I am typing this in word at work because I just want to use a computer keyboard and screen!


Mother’s Day: Early in the morning both kids were up and for some reason both ended up in my lap in the rocking chair. We were watching cartoons and in my mind I said, ‘that’s all I need right here’. It’s not often I get to have both of them snuggling w/ me…at the same time!! I also got some really beautiful flowers from my good friends in Boston (they send some every year) and the nanny had made a gigantic card w/ the kids w/ their handprints and decorations. They also got me some blue-ish hydrangeas. Smelled very nice. My girl kept saying “happy mother’s day, I love you SO SO much”. And when we went to bed, after our talk, she says, “Happy mother’s night!”. It was sweet…..however our day was a bit grouchy if I’m honest…I think I slept too much because nanny was there so I was able to take a nap. Sounds like a great gift, however when my sleep is off and I try to nap to make up for it, I end up feeling worse than if I had just stayed up. Why is that? I always think I’ll ‘catch up’ or something and it doesn’t work out that way…..but I just can’t resist peace, and quiet, and my nice bed. I think the kids sensed my grouchiness/tiredness, and they responded in kind. My son has become so sensitive also….if I get irritated and yell because of whatever two year olds do, he starts crying these big tears and runs into another room. As soon as that happens I catch myself and realize I’ve hurt his feelings…..I go after him and say son, I apologize for X (of course only if I did something wrong) and tell him I’m sorry and give him a hug. I want to teach them that no one is perfect, even mama…..and it’s about how you try and resolve something when you know you didn’t do a good job. I hope some of that is sticking.






My awesome flowers and for dinner my girl set the table ALL BY HERSELF to celebrate mother's day.


In not such great news...I’ve recently had another health scare……still not sure what the root cause is yet but I’m still in process of figuring it out and what to do. Rewind--I had a colonoscopy last Monday May 8th because of having some irritable bowel symptoms, change of habits, etc. I take no chances with that kind of stuff. My mom died of carcinoid cancer (gastrointestinal tumors) and anything strange in that arena I’m on it. I had the procedure Monday afternoon (the prep Sun and Mon not super fun with not being able to eat and drinking this mix the night before and morning of to ‘cleanse’) and they used an anesthesia. I stayed home Tuesday, and back to work on Wednesday. Well, when I went back to work I noticed some tingling and numbness in my face, hands, and feet. It was pretty strong and very noticeable. In addition to that, I just felt “off”. I started researching internet and nothing good came up that didn’t scare the heck out of me….I figured I’d wait until Thursday to see if I felt any better. The symptoms were still there. I decided to email my neuro dr. and say hey, I know I have a follow up scheduled in June, BUT….here’s what’s happened….these weird, scary symptoms, etc.. They at least emailed back and asked if I had any kind of seizure activity (no) or blacked out (no)….and if not, just follow up w/ Dr. who did the procedure because most likely it is effects from anesthesia. SO, I called the gastroenterologist who did procedure and he was NO HELP. He basically said ‘I’ve done thousands of these, never heard of that, don’t know what to tell you, if still having symptoms call next week and I’ll give you a neuro referral’. Gee….thanks for the concern..I’m already a step ahead of you. I emailed my neuro back that I got no response and I’m still today having these sensations……..and got no response yet. Of course I’m freaked out I have some neurological disorder because since 2015 I’ve just had a lot of weird stuff….things got stuck in my throat more (difficulty swallowing), my benign bleph.arosp.asm in my eyes, the tinnitus in my ears, etc.. Now…I do need to point out that all of this started after I had that terrible dentist experience in December of 2014 where he shot my nerve and it zinged in my face (2 times he did that) and I ended up w/ half of a numb face/tongue for a few months. Maybe he did some damage….? Maybe that created an exacerbation of something? Maybe it’s unrelated?? SO, I did some more research and think I want to see a new neurologist, in fact researched and found one that I booked an appointment for—but earliest available is in JULY! The one I saw was OK, but given this experience I’m not sure he’s taking what’s going on seriously, or if he has the interest to dig further to see if there IS anything that ties this all together. I’m a little torn, though, because frankly up until this recent issue, things have been status quo w/ the original symptoms I went to him for and he told me that if things change, or new things develop we could do some more testing at any point. I guess will see if he responds and go from there. To say that this stuff is stressful is an understatement….my mind SWIMS with worry about the what ifs…..I kinda feel like I’m chasing down different things like the gastro doc, etc. and nothing is coming up at all on any tests. My MRI’s are showing ‘normal’, etc.. So on one hand I’m thankful nothing’s been diagnosed, but on the other had I have tremendous worry that something will. The other thing that’s hard is not really having a partner in crime to share this with. I did try sharing it with my old nanny Amy and while it was good to ‘let it out’, she had mentioned she had a friend w/ neuro issues and would ask her what her symptoms were….I said fine, as long as she didn’t say it was me. We know mutual people that I didn’t want gossip started. Anyway, when she called me to say she had talked to this woman she mentions, oh yeah, I told her your symptoms and said you XYZ. I said hold up, you said it was me? Then she paused and realized…..and apologized of course, but really what that made me feel was JEEPERS……can I not trust you? It was a simple request to not say anything like I asked?? At end of day I know she was only trying to help, but what it did was make me feel more isolated like I just don’t want to share anything! Oh, and I was not selected for the job I interviewed for (my co-worker got it) BUT….it was ultimately good news because they are creating a second position that they want me to interview for. They said I interviewed really well and think I would be a good add to their skillpool and would like to see me come into the team. So, the news was actually pretty good…..made me actually take a big sigh of relief…..although at the end of the day, if something doesn’t work out in the company I am open to find something at a new company. As you can see a lot on my mind. Now that I took the time to write it all out there is a lot happening for me…..my baby is graduating pre-k, my job situation is in limbo, health concerns, not completely saying NO to a move, although I still prefer to stay put….my sister and I have had a ‘regression’ of sorts. I didn’t go into detail but with the property up north, we have a buyer that wants to go through independent sale….that means we had to go to property one last time to get any sentimental items, etc..by the way this is where my mom’s ashes were spread on the island and where we went every summer growing up. We actually called it ‘Up North’…..and now it’s being sold. AND….I asked my sister/brother if they were going to go up one last time. I’m located very far from there and didn’t plan on making the trip. They told me no. Well, when talking to my sister about a month ago she just mentions….oh yeah, when we went up north…..I said, ummmm what?! You (and my brother) went up and didn’t think to tell me you were going….or ask me if I wanted anything etc…..really? Her response was she really wasn’t thinking about anyone else (no kidding). I got so emotional I just hung up the phone and said I couldn’t speak. Long story short at Easter she mailed the kids some stuff and in the box were the two glasses I had asked about were still there. She got them and didn’t say anything. Even when I got so upset about how things were handled…didn’t even then say, hey sorry, see you are upset, etc..I did actually got and found the glasses you were wanting. Things have been tense since then. She hasn’t called to explain, apologize, acknowledge, take any accountability for her actions, etc.. and this is a pattern of behaviour. Whenever something happens, whether caused by her behaviour or not, just goes into hiding and doesn’t communicate. We’ve talked briefly a few times and it’s just been tense, and she talks/acts as if nothing has happened. I’m really frustrated about this because we were making good progress there for awhile….first the crappy visit this past Christmas, then this……. Frankly w/ all else I have going on, I don’t have the energy to put into it right now. I’m feeling lonely as it is…..a few stumbles with the person I talk to the most—Amy--, not really talking to my sister, my other close friends are not located here……


 I’ll end on a few positive notes because even w/ all the craziness I don’t feel like things are out of control or that bad…..I guess I just kind of keep it movin and don’t stop to reflect. Last post I mentioned trying harder to get connected with mom circles. The DAY I posted that an email came out from the neighbourhood organizer about a ‘kinder crew’ meeting for this Friday!! I responded right away and said yes, that would be great to meet new folks. So, will see how that goes on Friday. Thanks universe.
And....
Two pictures from Easter...my son was loved the bunny--they had a big East party in our neighborhood. And my girl got her face painted with nothing other than a bunny on her forehead!

Mom Friends

I really do like typing on a keyboard so much better. I am in need of a new laptop, mine is so old they are no longer supporting the operating system (oops). So, I’ve done a few posts typing into my phone directly onto the blog site, but the screen is so tiny if I want to see all of my words…….basically all that to say I miss the app when it worked. It was so easy to just type and post pics. I just need to get on w/ it and buy a new laptop.

Lots of interesting things I’ve been thinking about lately….making new mom friends, kindergarten in the fall, job stuff, how I’m feeling……where to even begin.

Making new mom friends---I’ve learned that this is sort of like dating. They aren’t always going to work and you have to try a lot out. For some reason I had envisioned that once you had kids you just gravitated towards others w/ kids and you instantly became friends because of it.  That is SO not true. I actually don’t have any mom friends with kids my daughter’s age, and only one mom friend (who I used to work with) that has a son my son’s age…although we see each other maybe once a month.  We did have the family that lived not that far from our house w/ the 4, 2, and baby…..the mom had gone through IVF as well so I thought great, a lot in common.  It was strange, but we just never ‘clicked’. We’d see each other at the park sometimes, or at different events in the area and it was always kind of a hey, how’s it going, what’s going on your house, but never really more than that. Very casual.  I think our biggest disconnection was she was a stay at home mom…..she had her kids in all kinds of things….on those fronts we didn’t connect at all.  And they recently moved out of the neighborhood. It was just weird because I had seen them not that long ago and we were talking about kindergarten, etc..and she said I should let her know if I hear anything about registration, and next thing you know there is a sign on their front yard. Oh well.

And now that I’ve decided I don’t want to move anywhere….I want to just stay put for awhile even if that means going to another company, I need to start trying more to make new friends.

SO, I was so proud of myself because a few months ago I ran into a mom at the park and struck up a conversation w/ her and her husband….she has a daughter going to the same school/kindergarten as my girl. I also remembered her from the pool last summer, she was very pregnant w/ her third. She told me about a lady that was organizing a ‘kinder-crew’ for the kids in the neighbourhood going into kindergarten at our school. I said great! And she forwarded me her email and the organizers email. Well….I emailed both of them back.  I heard nothing from either.  I emailed the organizer a second time just to ask if she was the right person and she at least responded that she was busy, but will include me in any events coming soon. I emailed the mom again too and gave my number…I’m sure the mom w/ the 3 kids has her hands full…not sure she was a stay at home mom, but she seemed so nice so I was disappointed not to hear back again.

I find that I am really envious of the people who still have their best friends from a long time ago, or families that live around each other, and have babies at the same time…..basically built in mom friends. I just had none of that. When I had my girl, all of my friends were from work and they were single too, except one friend had older kids. Of course once you have children things change w/ now having schedules, etc.. And not having my mom around, or really close family there have been times where it’s been really lonely.  

I started reading articles and researching about building community, etc as a single parent and at least feel better that feeling lonely is VERY common.  I don’t dwell on it that much, of course, because I have a lot to be grateful for……I just would like to have a new friend I connect with that has kids the same age as mine too. Don’t think that’s too much to ask!

I heard over and over from friends, ‘once they get into school, you will start meeting new people’. Yes, that is true. However, our preschool experience was interesting that way because a) I didn’t do drop/off and pick up where most conversations would start and b) when I did go to events, the parents really stuck to themselves…I didn’t see much bonding or interaction at all w/ the parents. I think I talked about this before but I found it so weird. I even tried a few times w/ some parents to strike up conversation and I could only get a few sentences. We also did go to a couple birthday parties we were invited to and I spent most of my time shepherding my children around. Birthday parties w/ a 4 and 2 year old are not relaxing or conducive to adult conversation.

I realize a lot of people have husbands, family around, friends from their lifetime and frankly, just don’t want/need to make new friends.  That’s not me so I’m going to have to be more proactive in finding ways to meet them.  I’ve thought about a moms group, but for some reason I just don’t want to do that. I remember years ago I went to a SMC event and while it was nice to go, I didn’t connect w/ anyone, was chasing around my crawler, and found that most of them had known each other for a long time and really stuck w/ themselves.

 

Maybe when she starts kindergarten it will be different…..maybe when she starts soccer this summer, etc..it will be different…..and just like in dating, you never know when you are going to meet the right one!