Happy (Exhausting) Holidays...and Happy New Year!

Since I haven't written in over a week, much has happened....we traveled to the midwest for Christmas and are now sitting back at home safe and sound on New Year's Eve.

I should have written when I had more energy because now my mind is going to the highlight show--

I'd like to start with the positives---great food, we had a really nice Christmas day dinner--even with my Dad being there--and spending time w my one sister and brother was nice.

What didn't go so well?  Baby girl was out of sorts almost the entire time....she was crying most of every day on and off--her tummy was upset, lots of gas and spit up--also there was a lot of commotion, new people and environment, the airplane travel.....just a lot for my little girl.  The didn't sleep well at all either--waking up way more than usual.  In addition, my sister w/ the kids came and unfortunately their homelife isn't the best....so I heard a lot of stories that were not that good, their behavior was not that good.  Add to that my sister who had the surgery was recovering and let's just say didn't have any patience.

So in summary, my baby was having one of the worst weeks, my family was not getting along, and I had to take care of my sister on top of the upset baby and mediating with everyone.  Frankly......I'm exhausted!!  It really did get so bad w/ my sister and the kids that my other sister and I decided that they needed to go home early OR decide to turn it around and stay the rest of the trip.  Ultimately they did decide to turn it around and we had a much better last day with them.  But, it took threatening to make them go home to do it.

I'm just happy to be back in our nice, calm, loving, and positive home.

On a much more positive note, baby girl is 5 months old now!!!!!!  I haven't written much about what she can do, so I thought I would share:

--she can grasp objects with her hands and bring them to her mouth
--she can see farther away and watches the TV movement and the cats with much interest
--she is on the verge of rolling over...when she lies on the floor she pulls her legs up to her belly--which causes her to fall on her side. Not quite rolling over, but she is 1/2 way there.
--when I hold her close she leans the side of her forhead onto my cheek. I love it.
--she quickly moved out of 3-6 month clothes and is in 9 month clothes and some 1 year clothes...she's long.
--I think she knows me now.  When we were w/ family at Christmas she would quickly calm down when I held her.  She reacts to my voice....turns her head. Follows me in the room.
--I can get her to give me a big ole smile when I say "Hiiiiiiii" in a higher pitch voice.
--She will sit on my lap and look at books when I read them. She is now reaching out to touch the pages.  She looks very intently at the pictures and I see her eyes scanning them.
--She loves bathtime. When I put her on the floor next to the tub I say " Are you ready for da bath?". She gets a big smile and flaps her arms and legs.  Then I say. " Why you kickin mama?". and she smiles/squeals/coos some more.
--She is "talking".  I'll sit her facing me and we have conversations. She talks, I talk.  Okay, no real words yet, but the concept is there.
--She is noticing more and more her surroundings.  Maybe because she can see farther, not sure....but I see her watching everything, everywhere.
--We still only feed 4 ounces of formula at a time. She isnt interested in more.  She eats every 2.5-3 hours still.  Probably not going to start solids for another month or so.  At night when she wakes up she can eat a bottle in 5-10 minutes. During the day it can take up to 30. Hmmm.....
--She isn't a fan of the car seat. She strains forward when sitting in it.
--She isn't a fan of the car when not moving.  Once I move it's like magic....no more crying.  Stop sign--crying. Move--not crying.
--She's drooling a lot more and loves to put everything in her mouth.  She has a S.ophie giraffe and lots of other chew toys. But she doesn't just take it to her mouth and chew.....she takes it to her mouth, quickly back out, back to the mouth...back out.
--Her cheeks are filling out.
--She is growing more hair on her head. It is still brown....her eyes are still a deep blue.
--she still looks like her donor father.
--Her toes look like mine.
--she still sleeps in her ro.ck and pl.ay.  She is not interested in lying flat to sleep. Has not yet slept the night in her crib.  I carry the play back to my room everynight.
--she loves my silly little songs...."Lotion--is my fav-or-ite thing...lotion".  I sing this to her when I put lotion on her after her bath. I also sing, "I just love you....you are my beautiful bay-ay-be girl". over and over.

I love this little girl with all my heart.  Through all of the anxiety of my pregnancy (worried about either me or the baby not making it), health complications, and early labor.....every single minute worth it.  I knew in my heart this was the path I wanted to take. 

To anyone out there on the fence, if your heart is pushing you on the path of single motherhood....do it.

Happy Holidays everyone and I hope you find your true happiness as well......

Love

This post could be about so many things.....but it really is about the picture below.
I honestly love this kid w/ all my heart.

We are having a lot of fun these days....we play, read, just go look at things....and she is paying attention! She is super alert and when something new comes her way she studies it hard. It is so cute.  I am "that" mom that is taking a lot of video w/ my camera these days. I put her in the bu.m.bo seat today--and had to get it on video. It didn't go well so I have video of a melt down, but hey...we tried.

We are going to the Dr. on Friday to get the patch on her forehead looked at. You really can't see it in this picture, but you can still feel it and see it up close.

Oh, and the most amazing thing.....she giggled for the first time at me today.  My baby tends to make me work hard for my smiles, as you know.  But today she was on my lap facing me and I was just being silly----I tilted my head up and as I was coming down I said "Aaaaaah-BOO!" and she laughed.  I couldn't believe it so I did it again.....and she giggled again!! 

Most amazing sound and feeling in my heart.

Skin, Nanny, and Unlocked Secret

A couple thoughts for this evening....I think my baby has a skin issue. I am not sure if it's eczema or just a rash, or what.....but it's kind of yucky.  You may have noticed in yesterday's picture on her forehead between her two eyebrows she has this circle patch.  It is pretty dry, scaly, rough to the touch.  Here is another picture from last night where you can see it better....she also has a spot like this on her left cheek.  I asked the nanny what she thought....it could be a variety of things...even an allergic reaction--I washed her clothes in the regular detergent w/out thinking about it.  My nanny said not a good idea because it is too harsh.
I am going to call the Dr. tomorrow because we are going to be gone for a week starting this Saturday. I don't want it to get worse while we are gone.

The other thing that happened over this past week was the first "issue" w nanny.  Overall, things have been going really smooth and I am so happy I chose those route for childcare. Yes, it is so expensive, but it is a lifesaver for me regarding stress level. Just not having to get up so much earlier, take her to daycare where there are lots of germies....and a woman at work reinforced my fear about her not getting enough attention because her daughter is in a daycare and a few times now she stopped by and her daughter was crying all by herself with a pool of drool around her head i.e. she'd been there for awhile.  I know there are good daycares, but you just never know because this was supposed to be one of them.

Anyway back to the issue....one of the things nanny did early on that I disagreed with and stopped was her warming her bottles in the microwave.  When I saw it the first time I asked to please warm another way.  I gave her my reasoning in that I worry about hotspots, etc..  Then, when we did our nanny agreement I put in there that I didn't want her bottles warmed in micro.  But several weeks ago I was working from home and the numbers were flashing on the microwave (meaning it had just been used and not cleared), and I saw her feeding the baby baby.  I thought she may have used micro so later that day I casually said I wanted to be sure her bottles are warmed with warm water like I do...and does she do this?  She said yes.
Well.....you can see where this is going.....

So just last week I worked from home and walked out-----while she was warming a bottle in the microwave!!

At first I was surprised since we've talked about this a few times before....but I just simply stopped her and calmly said I prefer her to warm it another way.  She then got upset, which also surprised me. She told me it was only for 5 seconds because it was cold.  Then, she pulled out the bottle to show me, was flustered, and said fine...she'd do different and pulled out a pot. I said she didn't need to do that and said I just put warm water IN the bottle....she said bottle already made, she'd figure it out.

Interaction was pretty tense and I didn't feel good about it.  So, I went back to my room and worked for a couple more hours.  I didn't want this to fester so I came back out and said that I know our ideas of warming are different, but I prefer her not to use the microwave.  She said fine and was going to walk away and I stopped her and asked her to tell me what she was thinking. She stopped for a minute then said...she would never hurt the baby and was upset that I thought she would feed the baby a too hot bottle that could cause her harm.  She said she wouldn't do anything that would cause the baby to get hurt and have to go to the hospital.
Basically......she took my comments to mean that I thought she would do something knowingly to hurt the baby.

In some respect, I can see how she would be take offense....in others, it was simply we disagree w/ warming the bottles and this is something I stood my ground on and don't want her to do.

There hasn't been anything else that she has pushed back on that I've asked....like waiting until dishes dry before putting away, or using the scrub brush on the bottle parts to make sure they get clean.  This must have just hit a nerve for her.  It did work itself out, though, because after we talked and she got off her chest why she was upset, she said she knew that baby girl was my baby, and that if I want her to warm bottles that way she will.  I then said I could get a bottle warmer if she prefers that? and she said no, not to waste the money. She would use warm water from the sink like I do...it will take a bit longer to get the bottle ready, but she will do.  Then I went back to my room and at the end of the day we were talking again like we always do and the tension seemed to have gone away.

Whew.  I'm glad I talked to her that same day because I want us to keep open communication.  At the end of the day, she could still warm the bottle in the micro when I am not there and I won't know (and no, I don't plan to get a nanny cam--if I had that many concerns about her, she is not the right woman to take care of my baby)....but I just hope she respects my wishes.
And yes, it does bring up does she do other things that I don't want?  I don't think so and my gut isn't saying that she does.....but I will certainly keep my ears/mind open to it.

And finally, I've been mentioning that baby girl is not a good napper. At. All.  She sleeps like 20 minute increments during the week w/ nanny no matter what we've tried.  Well just a week ago I put her in the cradle and rocked it w/ my foot for about 40 minutes.....really because I was on the internet and not paying attention.  But lo and behold she slept for like an hour after that.
So this weekend I decided to experiment and rock her intentionally....and it WORKED 2 times in a row!  Yesterday she took a 2 hour nap and today she took 2, 2 hour  naps!!!  She hasn't done that since she was a newborn.

I think the trick is she needs to be rocked past the point of light sleeping to get her to deep sleep....then walah! she stays asleep.

I am sure some folks think that I am creating a bad habit and maybe I am....but guess what....baby girl is getting the sleep she needs.
So, I plan on telling nanny the trick and see if she wants to try it.  It can't hurt......because as it is now, I come home from work and have a fussy one on my hands until bedtime...because she's so exhausted.


This is probably the longest post I've written in awhile.....done now!

Cookaaays!

Oh wow. We just had an awesome night making cookies, eating pizza, and watching movies.  Some of my friends came over and we mixed, baked, decorated, and ATE!  It really was a good time. Baby girl was a bit fussy again on and off....but she slept on and off too....so it was manageable.

My good friend brought over some holiday decorations prior to the get together because I still didn't have any in my house...I know--get it together mama! So now we have a little tree and I even have presents underneath. Not from me, yet, but from great friends sending love to my babes.

One of the girls brought over a present tonight for baby and it was a keepsake ornament that said baby's first christmas. I opened it up and it made me cry a bit. I can't lie. It was just so sweet and I got emotional thinking about having her here this year.  She wasn't even growing yet this time last year.

And the cookie bonanza that we had.....hey, no one said we were decorators extraordinaire.

Santa and Sweat

Santa and Sweat. These are two things that really don't belong together. However, that's what you get when you have Christmas in the south.  It is almost 80 degrees and humid today, but I was determined to go over to the park (only 2 blocks from my house) because they were having a Santa in the Park celebration.  I wanted baby girl to at least experience the people, kids, and fun.  She fell asleep in the stroller on the way over there so I had to wake her up to get a picture w/ Santa.  I wish I had a scanner because I would post it on here---it turned out super cute.  Also, I ran into my realtor friend at the park and she hadn't seen baby yet. She looked at her and said 'Oh my, she's chunky'.  That's the first person to say that, so I was kind of proud. She's been so little and lean since she was born.

We went to the Dr. yesterday for her four month well baby check up and shots.  She got weighed and measured....she is in the 95th percentile for length (go tall baby!), and 75th percentile for weight and head. She weighs almost 13 lbs and is 25+ inches long.  I knew she was growing longer because she's stretched out of her 3 months and is reaching end of toe space for her 6 months.
Dr. was in and out in a few minutes.  Then the nurse came back in for her immunizations. And wow.....baby girl was pretty upset....she did the red-faced cry. She was about to fall asleep and I had to put her back on the table....he gave her the shots one in each leg.....and she wailed.....screamed....a painful scream, not her usual cry. It really was hard to see...but I kept explaining to her that we are trying to keep her healthy and that I knew it hurt. I realize she doesn't understand, but I wanted to at least pretend like I was helping.

Back to Santa in the park.....I seriously have a sweating problem. Remember when I was talking about the airport experience and how I couldn't stop sweating? It happened again.  We walked over to the park and I had to have a burpee cloth to wipe my face off. I could feel sweat rolling down my back and legs.  Then when we were there I felt like a faucet. The back of my neck was wet and my hair was sticking to it.  I held baby and she was slippery because my arms were sweaty.  I honestly felt like I had run 5 miles.  We were there long enough to get her picture and I asked a man to take our picture on my camera....then we split.  by the time I got home I had to throw off my pants, shirt, and put a whole new outfit on.  And to cool down I turned on the ceiling fan, sat down, and just sat there.
Now I have a headache.

Ugh.

It was worth it to get the Santa picture and thankfully she's young enough to not care where we are really. If she were say 2+, you can bet we'd be there for much longer so she could do the bouncy house and play in the snow they had blown in.

My friend stopped by afterwards and took this picture. It is by far one of my favorite snapshots of her.

Also, here is one from the other day. I coworker had sent us a super cute stuffed cow. I was playing with it w/ her and she loved it.  LOVE that smile! :)



Looks

As you all know, I get mentally obsessed with things and I just continue to spin them around in my mind. 

The current one is what my baby looks like. 

Okay, so when she was born she looked so much like my side of the family, was not hard to mistake. Maybe because we are big people--and she had a double chin when she was born.  But slowly over time she has started to look more and more like her donor.  And now, she is the spitting image of her donor father.  Her eyes, her dark hair (mine was white when I was born), her nose.  I brought out the pictures I have of him when he was little and it's her. And it bothers me somewhat.  I honestly assumed if I had a girl she would look just like me. And she now looks nothing like me.
I'm struggle to pinpoint why this spins around in my mind. I really don't know....I was thinking maybe because she looks like the side of family I don't know much about, haven't grown up around...it's the element of the unknown?

First Thanksgiving--We made it!

Thanks for everyone checking in on us to see how the flight/travel went for Thanksgiving....all in all, it went pretty well. 
The day of Thanksgiving we got up and I started getting us ready. It sure takes alot longer w/ trying to pack and remember things for both of us.  My plan was to get us out by 9:15 am and we made it out around 9:35am. Not too bad.  I was just feeling anxious about the travel so I started sweating......and I couldn't stop. I had a burpee cloth for baby, and for me!  On the way to the airport I called the airline to see what gate we were leaving from, and the rep told us our flight showed CANCELLED! um WHAT???!!!!!  He said he would check and get back to us....well, 10 minutes later he never came back so I hung up and called back. Apparently it was only the leg INTO my airport that was cancelled.....not my trip.
WHEW!!!
We got there and I was fumbling for quite some time to get the carseat base out. It was in there tight and I couldn't loosen up the strap. Sweating some more.....baby started to get fussy. I finally got it and pushed the stroller w/ one hand and lugged my big ass suitcase w/ the other--with the base balancing on top of the suitcase. Sweat still dripping.....
Good news is there was pretty much noone in the airport at check-in or security.  The woman at the counter was nice to us and helped me take baggage over to drop off.  We got through security and I figured I should get some water to make her bottles....she started fussing more. Sweating more. Then I stopped and got a power bar...constantly wiping my brow.
Our gate was way the heck at the end of the airport, so we got there w/ enough time to sit down, her cry some more, and I started getting our gate check stuff ready. There was no jetbridge so once I got up the stairs to the plane I had my backpack and realized I needed several more hands to hold her and put up the backpack. I was getting flustered.....so I asked the lady sitting down if she would kindly hold my baby. Of course she did, but I felt somewhat helpless not knowing where to put her so I could settle us in.  I didn't have a carrier for her and that is one thing I will change for next time.

Once the engines started up she fell asleep in my arms.... I did bring the boppy and was glad I did. She was cozy/I was cozy......and FINALLY my sweating slowed down.

Once we got to the midwest it was much more calm...she slept in the car on the 45 minute trip to my cousin's house.

Thanksgiving was good.  There were a LOT of kids there...technically her second cousins.  She really did a good job.....she didn't care who held her and she started "talking" w/ everyone. She is starting to babble more and more. It's the cutest thing.  The thing I was most worried about was all of the germs.  Kids had runny noses, coughs, etc..and of course kids love babies....they wanted to touch her and hold her.  Of course I let them, but inside I was cringing thinking GERMS all over my baby. 

Something good that came out of the trip is that I am able to be more at peace w/ where I live and what I am doing--even though it IS far from family.  My sister and I drove around a few towns I had scoped out if I were to potentially move back around extended family....and you know what? I actually didn't much like them at all. Believe it or not it felt stifling--really small.  Maybe I am more used to bigger city than I thought.  I didn't get that good 'gut' feel so I know it is not right to do at least for now.  That is fantastic to be less anxious about just staying put.

There were a few things I was disappointed in--one was my camera....it is digital and I couldn't seem to catch her w/out bright flashes in her eyes.....so I don't really have a good picture during thanksgiving.--and darn it she had some super cute outfits on!!!!  The other thing was my expectations of what my extended family would be like with her. When we got there, my cousins came over and oohed and aahed over her, very cute.  But the funny thing is my aunt (who could be like a grandmotherly figure) wasn't overly warm and I actually had to ask her to hold her while I went to the bathroom.  I guess I just expected her to be more inviting and loving towards her.  I probably shouldn't be too surprised because she's not an overly affectionate person in general.  Maybe I was just wishing she would be more like my mom would have been.  I feel like a grandmother relationship is important and one I would love for her to have.....but we'll just have to develop that elsewhere.  What I do really want for her, though, is to have another person/family/whatever that she will grow up around. I want people to be excited to see her and make us feel like part of the family. It's hard to describe, but honestly for family all I feel like I have for closer relationship is my sister. My brother did come to Thanksgiving, but he's like a normal guy...doesn't talk much and was fine w/ the baby as long as she wasn't crying.

The flight home was MUCH less stressful....I think I was psyched out by the travel and was just so anxious of the unknown w/ her on the way up.

We both must have been exhausted because Sunday we slept pretty much all day and didn't leave the house. I will have you know, though, that the germs DID get us.....she got a cold and has a runny nose and cough. Mama got a sore throat and head congestion.

So, as I said earlier, all in all was a good trip. I was able to travel w/ her pretty successfully (even w/ all the sweat) and I am able to cross off my anxiety about wanting to move back to the midwest right now.

Even though this wasn't during Thanksgiving party, I did get a great picture of her at the airport going home....she is wearing her new hat from my cousin.  Awww......just love this kid.

First Flight

That's right...my baby girl is going to take her first flight tomorrow. We are heading to my uncle's house in the midwest. She has officially turned 4 months old this past Tuesday, 16 weeks, but with some months having extra days, it's kind of weird to say that she is 4 months old--she was born in August...so you'd think in December she'd be 4 months.

I am actually pretty stressed about tomorrow.  I have gone over in my mind the game plan, what I am going to bring, have started a suitcase pile for me and baby already. This is a MAJOR deal for anyone who knows me. I normally pack the day of, and get to the airport as the doors are closing.  I've always been a last minute kind of person and I just can't do that now.  I've decided to park at the more expensive airport rather than shuttle. This is my one splurge to make things less stressful and hectic.  We also have a lot of stuff to bring: the car seat/car seat base/stroller/boppy (yes, am taking it)/backpack/ suitcase/and purse. I'd rather just organize and walk to gate.  I did research to see what are best things to do i.e. take stroller or not, wear baby or not....and I'm going to just try this and see how goes.

My biggest concern is I've never held her on my lap for 3 hours straight, especially in such a small seat....sure she's slept in her cradle that long, but her cradle isn't on an airplane with engine noise and people.  It is also a tiny little plane, so we will be totally crammed in there. And I am tall. So sitting on an airplane even w/out a baby is a bit scrunchy.  She has also been a bit fussy these days....she is not napping well at all....and the problem w/ that is she cries when she is tired. See where I am going w/ this?  It is also cold up there....she is used to the temperature being 70 degrees (heck, me too). So to go where inside is probably 60 degrees will be an adjustment. I am bringing a beautiful sweater/coat my friend's grandma gave her, as well as a few hats/tights/long sleeved onsies to wear.

I can say, though, that she will be dressed so super cute. I got these tights below and can't WAIT to put them on her!!!!!!

Wish us luck.  I just hope she is so interested in everything around her that she won't cry...that, or she sleeps the whole time.  I can dream......

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Twister

That's exactly how I feel inside my brain. I have become obsessive compulsive again and it won't turn off. The topic this time is trying to figure out how I can not work and be a stay at home mom. It's amazing the amount of things I have been researching until like 2 am...not good for sleep, but I just can't stop.  So, some of the things are:
1) can't live in my home, too expensive, so looking at real estate here, real estate near extended family.
2) Health insurance.
3) Financial Advisor on whether it is better to rent my current home or sell
4) Realtor on the fees for renting
5) what car I can buy and pay outright so I don't have a car payment
6) excel scenarios of living by myself, living with my sister, not working at all and how little can I live off of
7) my finances overall
8) mortgage girl to check out rates and how much I could possibly borrow for a second home
9) Google mapping homes to see how far they are from important places like the Y, etc

I could keep going but I honestly have been driving myself insane w  all of the research I have been doing. If I am spending all of this time on the internet, when am I working, might you ask? Totally can't get into it. At. All.
I realize it is very soon...I just got back to work and this is only my second full week back....but I don't expect it to get easier.
How sad is this....I purposely don't look at my baby's picture at work because I then miss her and wonder what she is doing and my heart hurts a bit. I am looking at her now and I just love this little kid. She is so cute and squishy and starting to smile back at me....she even LAUGHED at me for the first time...I had to call my sister.

I don't know the right answer.  Although, my view of a stay at home mom might be skewed somewhat because I had the nanny working part time when I was on maternity leave. Dont expect to have that going forward if I didn't work....I just don't want someone else raising my child. I didn't have her so someone else could enjoy her more than me!

Any Sugar Dads out there? Sign me up.
Joking of course.....but the idea of someone else paying all of my bills sounds great to me right about now.

We went back to the hospital today to get a follow up ultrasound. She had her hips checked because she was in breech position. Apparently this is normal.  Well, one of the scans showed some slight issue they wanted to check out again. The Dr. said that normally it corrects itself, so not too worried.  My big girl did such a good job. She didn't cry at all!! She just looked around and probably wondered what that silly wand was doing and why she had to lay on her side, with mom making funny faces at her.

Back to Work

Hey boy....of course the time would come when I would have to go back to work.  Here's how I feel in a nutshell: It's been three months already, and it's only been three months!!

I had a lot of anxiety about it this week.  I know this because i've scarfed several donuts. On several days this week.  So when this happens I hunker down and go into research mode.  This time it was finances.
So, the night before I went back to work I started doing all kinds of calculations.  If I lived as cheaply as possible, could I 1) afford to work part time or  2) afford not to work at all for a few years? The answer to both of these questions is yes.  BUT, there would need to be some things put in place to make that happen. I would obviously be dipping into my savings, I couldn't afford to live in my house and I would have to move again....and we couldn't be w/out insurance so I would need to scope that out.  Well, and probably  most importantly.....if I want to plan for another baby, the current IVF insurance I have is amazing.

The other thing I scoped out is looking on job web boards to really see what kind of jobs there might be near extended family in my field....believe it or not, there just might be a couple.  One company currently has several jobs posted. I thought about just applying to start the conversation w/ them.  But if I moved to a new job, that would entail a relocation and working full time......the benefit is her growing up near her cousins.

In all reality, most likely I'm not going anywhere or doing anything different until April of next year. I have a two year contract due to my relocation that I need to fulfill or repay. Would not be smart to repay. 

But here's the deal....I did the math....I make a good income BUT, after taking off for house, car, nanny, bills, utility, groceries, etc....it almost goes down to nada.  Zilch.  Goose egg.  So why the heck am I working? The answer right now is that we need the insurance.  And to be fair, I had in my mind I would go back to work and not change that initially so I could get used to new baby and being a working mom.

I don't like it.  It is only day two, but I have such strong heart tugs while I am sitting in the office staring at her picture.  Wondering what she is doing w/ the nanny. Wondering if I would do it better--assuming I would do it better because I'm her mama.

All of this is normal. I'm sure.  So what?!  Feelings are real and believe you me, I've had plenty of heartbreak in my life to know what my priorities are.

I'm sure w/in time I'll make some decisions about our future.  For now, I'll keep my head low at work....I'll give myself the space to get back in the groove.

It sure is tough to being solely responsible for making the bacon.

Am I crazy?

Even before baby girl was born I've been thinking about baby number 2.  In my mind, when I was in a place to have children, I didn't picture myself with only one child.  I grew up with 3 other siblings and even though I'm not that close w/ 2 out of 3 of them, we had a lot of fun growing up.  A lot of that had to do w/ my mom and her fun-loving spirit, but having 3 others to play string, boardgames, and chase around the house circle (from living room to kitchen to dining room) was a great way to grow up. 

My baby is not even three months old and already I'm like when can I start?  A bit jokingly of course, because I do have some goals in mind before I try....one is that I give me and baby girl at least a year to be a family....two is that I've given my body enough time to heal....three is that I'd like to lose about 40-50 lbs in the next 9 months....and four is that I experience what it's like to work full time w/ a baby. 

Trying for a second baby hangs in the back of my mind, along w the usual nagging thoughts about moving back to the midwest to be around extended family.  I got a big pang of wanting to move just about 10 minutes ago--my cousin's wife sent a picture of the whole brood going trick or treating.  Her baby is only 4 months older than mine.  They had a whole wagon full of adults and kids out on the trick or treatin path.....I got a big tug inside about wanting my daughter to experience that too.  And yes, I've had plenty of people tell me that I will build my network here. Yes, I will.  But, that doesn't replace having these experiences w/ your cousins (albeit second cousins)/family.


To close out this post.....I'd like to say that I am starting to enjoy putting my baby in new outfits.

Clearly someone disgrees......





WTF

So...I got a package in the mail today for the baby from my 'Dad'.  The first thing I noticed is that it didn't seem like his handwriting.  Considering my Dad has never sent me a package in my entire 37 years, I can only assume it came from his new wife......and he certainly wouldn't pick out a baby outfit w/some cute socks, an ornament that says baby's first Christmas, and a little doll that says baby's first doll.

The thought was there, I'll say that.  However, I am really really bothered by the card that was sent.  The first thing in the card reads...."I was quite happy to get your phone call.  Now the rumor that you had a baby girl is put to rest with fact".

WTF... let me say that again WTF....RUMOR?! Seriously?! I know for a fact my sister called the day my baby was born to say that I had had the baby and was in the hospital.  She told me how the conversation went and that she explained my baby was from donor, etc etc..  How on this earth can that be construed as rumor, and to then send that in a card?! 

I can't explain how I feel about this totally right now.....I am quite tired so perhaps am taking this too harshly, but for my Dad to consider my baby a rumor just because I hadn't said anything is completely ridiculous and downright hurtful.  He KNEW she was born because my sister had called.  And for some reason, that wasn't enough for him to call himself for the last 2 1/2 months of her life and say Congratulations, or even just acknowledge.What kind of immature bullshit game is that to play?  I had a feeling it would come down to, "Well, you didn't say anything....so I wouldn't say anything...".  When I had talked to him on the phone he did call me out about my trip home this past April. He said that I must have been pregnant then, and I said yes.  He said, "And you didn't say anything?". I said no, I didn't...because I wasn't ready to share about it.  He said ok. Well, clearly it was bothering him, otherwise he wouldn't have made such an issue out of it.

I didn't want to be petty on the phone, but I could have brought up the fact that he wasn't forthright to any of us about getting remarried.  My sister just happened to find out when she was having lunch with them last year.  His new wife pulled my sister aside and said...oh by the way we got married. My sister called me hysterical.  It wasn't even HIM that told my sister.

See.....honestly even in the good of a gift I have a hard time accepting.  The bottom line is that it really isn't from him.  And...then throwing it in my face that apparently my baby didn't exist until I said so.
What an asshole.

That is why I am not interested in having a relationship with him.  He creates stress, anger, and anxiety most of the time.  Has for my whole life.  Perhaps this situation could have been avoided if I had shared w/ him back in April that I was expecting a baby, but I didn't share because I didn't need his judgement of my situation, ask me about why I wasn't marrying the donor, or be disappointed that I didn't get the support acknowledgement that I would have wanted, but couldn't expect.  I suppose my behavior before was a defense mechanism to avoid any hurtful situation about anything relating to my baby.  I'm not interested in my baby getting to know him....he's not a typical grandpa even to the grandkids he's got.  He's not an involved and supportive father....so why?

My resentments of my father are a long-standing issue that are well beyond what I wrote in here.  I've decided that I am ok w/ my baby not having a father because even if she did....he could not be healthy for her anyway. 

Enough for tonight...maybe some rest and a fresh perspective tomorrow will make this seem like no big deal. Pretty much chalk it up to....same ole crap.

Updates and Cuteness

So, after my rant about my family in the last post three things have happened:
1) My brother finally did contact me and he IS going to meet us for Thanksgiving. He told me he'd think about coming if he could scrape up the money.  I just told him I would send him a check for gas money.  If that's what it takes that's fine....because I know he has absolutely no money. In fact, I sent him double what I told him just because I know he needs it.  I have not sent him money before....maybe I am getting soft.  I honestly don't mind because whenever my one sister flies down here I pay for half her ticket.  She doesn't make much, and it is much easier for her to come here instead of me flying there.
2) My sister w/the kids let me know just today what holiday they want to meet up at....will be Christmas. Would have been nice to know sooner, but fine. Now I'll try and see what flight I can find under 600 bucks.  Refuse to not fly direct, so will see how it goes.....
3) I talked to my Dad for the first time since April of this year.  He called me because he got my letter and baby picture. He told me since he now had 'official' notification from me he thought he would call.  Whatever...couldn't call for last 10 weeks of her life, but that's to be expected from him.....

These things elicit some feelings in me about 'same ole crap'....but I'll just say that it's the family I am dealt with and that's it.  Gotta deal/work w/ it.

As for baby....oh boy.  She has started to have a 'witching hour' as I call it--starting around 6pm until around 10pm or midnight.  She cries on and off the whole time.  Soothing her is not easy.....I still try because I don't like to hear her crying. Tonight I kept trying to settle her down so I could get my new tv set brought in and set up.....but after several hours of her crying on and off it was really irritating me for the first time.  And I could really tell because my tone was getting testy w/ her i.e. 'baby girl....why are you crying? you don't know? please stop...mama is tired of hearing you cry'.  For real...what a mean mama!!
I think it just has gotten to me because this is about the 3rd day in a row this has happened.  In the past, it was one day.....then the next she slept like normal.....but for some reason no relief.
Perhaps this is what colic is....?  Although she doesn't scream....and it is not constant crying....just episodes where she seems tired and seems to fight it. She will start crying, settle down....look like she is maybe going to sleep.....ahhhhh....nope! It starts all over again w/ her crying---this happens for hours regardless of rocking, cradle, couch, pacifier, bottle, patting, floor time, etc.. etc....

It is not super terrible because eventually she calms down and does fall asleep. It would just be nice not to go through it every night. I am really really hopeful it gets better. I have some visitors coming to town and staying w/ me this weekend/next week.  Crossing my fingers this is a fluke.

Then mixed in w/ all of that is her looking so super cute I could just eat her up!!  A friend's mom sent me the outfit below....who can resist a strawberry hat on a sleeping baby.  Scrumptious.

First Cold and Family stuff

Oh my little cookie has her first cold. My two really good friends came in from out of town this weekend. One of them had a cold and I assumed he got sick only because he was run down. He had been working like a dog. Well, I underestimated that little bug, because both baby and I got it.  Yesterday I had a really scratch throat, stuffy nose, etc.....and I should have known baby wasn't feeling well because she was pretty fussy from 6-12 midnight last night. She didn't want bottle, pacifier, rocked, held, nada. She seems to have these episodes when something is off. Like last time this happened she filled two diapers w/ poopy at the end of that night!  About early 3am she started sneezing greenish stuff and being totally congested.  Nanny came today and while I slept for the 4 hours she was here, she gave my baby some vapo rub.  When I woke up I checked her temp and she had a 'slight' fever at 99 degrees. Gave her some tylenol, held her....and am feeding her whenever she wants. She's only eating an ounce or so....but I'm not pushing it.  I know what it's like to feel like crap.

One thing that's got me bunched up is my family...or so-called family.  I have a Dad, mom passed away 4 years ago, 2 older sisters, and one younger brother.  My sisters are 41, 39, I am 37...brother 32.  The 41 year old is the one I am closest to and talk to about every day. We've had our own bumpy past, but since my mom died we have really grown much closer. The 39 year old is married to an emotional alcoholic abuser and has 3 kids. My nieces are 16, 12, and nephew 14.  My brother is not married.

Basically I am a bit disappointed/irritated at everyone except my 41 year old sister. 

First, my Dad has yet to call and say congratulations about the baby. Yup that's right....she was born 2 months ago.  I assume it's because I didn't call him to tell him I was pregnant during the pregnancy. I just didn't feel the need....we don't have a relationship and honestly I think he has Asperger's.  He's been a major source of stress throughout my life and is not fun to be around....you always had to walk on eggshells. He was physically there, but not emotionally there....not towards my mom either.  Anyway, he's one of those who would say, "Why should I?  She didn't call me!".  It is soooo typical.  Not that there would be a normal grandparent/grandchild relationship since I live here.....but at least acknowledge.  I recently got some pictures for family/friends and my 41 year old sister asked me if I got one for my Dad. Sad to say I hadn't even thought of him when I ordered.  Anyway, she said I should probably send one. Well, I caved and did.  I even put my phone number in the little letter.  He called my siblings to ask my address awhile ago. Why wouldn't he call me and just ask?  So irritating and typical.

Next, I called my sister in the abusive relationship about the holidays last week. I asked her what her plans were and would it be easier to meet up at Thanksgiving or Christmas so they could all meet the baby...I would flex my flight plans depending on what she could do.  I could tell her husband was sitting there when I called because she always has this "tone" in her voice....and she then would ask him what they could do.  Seriously.  Since they are only 2hours from my uncles, I was thinking it would be easier for her to meet us there.  Anyway, during the call last week she said they would talk it over and she would for sure call me and let me know what would work.  I asked to let me know soon because I would need to book my flights.
Do you know I have yet to hear from her?
Of course this is not a shocker.....holidays are always a source of contention.  When their kids were younger, she/her husband "withheld" the kids from our family during holidays as punishment when they would be upset about something. This really upset my mom sooo much....but since her passing my other siblings and I don't play that game. We say if you can make it fine, if not fine.  Up to you.
But this year there is a new baby....my baby....and her cousins (16, 14, and 12) are dying to meet her.  And her stupid ass parents can't get their shit together so their kids can meet their cousin.  So,  I went ahead and booked the Thanksgiving flight based on what worked best for me and baby.  Can't worry about them.

Finally, I am not too close w/ my brother, but I decided to call him a few days ago to check in.  Left a voicemail....heard nothing.  Then I texted yesterday that I would be going to Thanksgiving (which coincidentally is 2 hours from him too), and if he wanted to meet his new niece there he could.  Nothing.  So today, I sent a text saying, "ummm....are you there?".....Nothing.  What the frack?!

I think I am upset because there must have been a small part of me that thought w/ the new baby in the picture, they might behave differently. Might make an effort. Might show they care enough to make an effort to meet their niece.....just a little bit. Well, I should have known.  It's disappointing, but mostly it makes me feel lonely....like my family unit really is dissolved since my mom died and it's just me and my sister.  I have to be thankful for that, but even that relationship is tough sometimes because my sister is somewhat emotionally unstable and has highs and lows.  I am not at a place where I can rely on her to "be there" for me.....

I can't think too much more about it because it will just get me upset.  I just feel bad that my daughter won't have much of a relationship w/ my immediate family, and of course she doesn't have her biological father side of the family.  What does she have for family? What does that leave her?  Yes she has me and my sister.....but that's so little.  She deserves much more.  It just makes me feel somewhat selfish that I brought her in this world---wanting her so much---knowing that her extended family would be limited.  She wouldn't have any grandmas.....she doesn't really have a grandpa.  Her aunt and uncle are ridiculous.  I knew this already.  But, my drive to mother her overrode those shortcomings.....I guess what I am really saying is....will I be enough for her?  Only time will tell if she thinks so. 
The other thing I realized is I miss someone mothering me.  When push comes to shove, I don't have the big hug to turn to from my mom....no spouse....it just is tough.  Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me too, you know?

And to top off my day, my cat threw up all over my formal living room sofa.

Little Doll

I am such a proud mama.  I can't tell you the number of times complete strangers have come up to us in the store and say "She looks just like a little doll".  I have to admit....when she is sleeping she kind of does.  I may be biased, but I think my baby is the cutest thing. Just like most moms...I can hold her and just stare at her little eyelashes, mouth, ears.....

And, I think it's time to share her.  I really enjoy pictures of other moms and babies, so here she is....Baby Girl....this is one of the pics that was taken from the gift my friends gave me. The package I got allowed me to have the digital original image for 5 of the photos...this is one that I chose...

12 Days old

She has changed a lot as well (just turned 8 weeks old)....so here is a picture of her that I took yesterday snapped from Iphone.

8 weeks 1 day old

I really love this little baby so much.  The longer we are together the more my heart grows for her.  Just the other day she smiled a REAL smile.  She's had those half smiles, etc.. but one of the books I am reading says a real smile is when they smile w/ their whole face, not just their mouth. And she DID!  It was soooo cute. She doesn't do it very often, and frankly I was starting to wonder about when she would start interacting more. She still isn't overly interactive, but I think that's to be expected considering her adjusted age is still just 3 weeks old. I have to keep that in mind.

We had a marathon evening tonight where she had major tummy issues.  She just couldn't settle down and fall asleep. Alternate periods of crying, sleeping, eating, pacifier, burping, rocking, soothing, etc and not sleeping soundly....for last 5 hours.  This happens once in a while and then I know she is really uncomfortable. Sure enough at about 10pm I changed her diaper (again) and she had some poops.  It was very formed (again) which means she is still constipated. This started about a week ago when I changed her to soy formula. Once she had the second diaper of formed poops to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I quickly took her off soy and have changed again....long story but we have tried 5 formulas for spit up, gas issues..and none seem to resolve them all.  So, we are back to square one and are on the spitup formula. The Dr. recommends the orange for gas and fussiness so when we go to store will pick that up. We tried that too, but not long enough to know if it would help.  I do hope taking her off soy will help her have better poops!

By the way I took her to the Dr. for her 2 month check up and she is at 8lbs 14oz.  She also grew to 21.5 inches...from 17 inches, that's pretty good!  She got her shots and took them like a champ. She cried at first, but quickly calmed down. I told her how proud I was of her....and explained mama was making sure she stayed healthy.

Ahhh the things we talk about now, huh? bodily functions, sleeping, crying.  And since I am not back to work yet, that is what I am consumed with.  But I do enjoy it. 

I am soooooo glad I have the nanny and decided to have her work part time for the 4 hours during the week. In fact, I just asked her to work tuesdays too....so she now works M, T, W, and Th from 10-2pm.  It give me enough of a break where I can collect myself by resting, running errands, etc. and be ready to handle the other 20 hours of the day.  And honestly, after Fri-Sun I am really ready for her to come again Monday.  It's not that I don't enjoy taking care of baby...I do. It's just any normal person needs a break.

Physically, I have regained my energy level and feel pretty much healed. I still have some soreness at the incision site, but expect that to remain for awhile.  The one thing that hasn't healed is my bladder. For some reason I am still having issues, so my Dr. told me I needed to go see a urologist.  As for my OB, I have been officially released.  It was kind of sad, really....since I have spent so much time there and have gotten to know them. 

I go back to work full time November 1 and not sure how I feel about it.  My mental mind is excited to get back in the problem solving, but being away from her that long every day is what I don't know how that will go.  I did ask my boss if he is okay having me work from home 1 day a week to start with. He agreed and we'll decide whether it is two 4 hour blocks on 2 days, or 1 day.  either would be fine w/ me.

Lots of other projects I have been thinking about and working on....still have some things to remodel in my house and have been talking to contractors. It's amazing how many things I can find to do to occupy myself. One thing I need to do is start working out again...I was thinking back several years ago how active I was...playing sports 2 days a week and working out the other several days.  Right now I don't work out at all. All in due time....sheesh.

Hope those of you who read this blog enjoy the pics of my little baby cookie.

Acne, Spit up, and more......

The baby, not me.....yes, I was so proud of my baby's soft skin, looking so perfect when she was born. My baby couldn't possibly get baby acne, right?  Well, she's got a small case of it....comes in patches, then goes away, then another set comes on. I am wondering if it's in reaction to anything I am doing, so will have to watch it.

Tummy troubles galore starting from week 3. On Tuesday we hit week 7, so that is about for the last month.  At first she started arching her back, pulling her legs, fussing a lot because she was so uncomfortable, had LOTS of stinky gas....pee-euw!..in addition, she didn't have a poopy diaper for about a week! I called the Dr. 3 times during then to make sure it was ok. Dr. said it was.  In addition, she had been spitting up sooooo much.  It started to become every single time I fed her, and sometimes it came up so strong it would come out her nose, poor thing. With all that, I thought maybe she had reflux.
Took her in to the Dr. and Dr. agreed and gave her 1 RX, didn't work....tried another....didn't work...tried a THIRD and it didn't work.  In the meantime, with the RX's really bombing out, I've been trying different formulas to see if that would help also.

In the last month we have tried going on 5 formulas now....she started on the simi for spitup, then I tried simi for gas and fussiness, then I tried enfa AR which is supposed to help w/ spit up since they put a bit of rice in it, then the Dr. recommended the specialty formula for cow milk sensitivity (not allergy). This stuff seemed to be okay, but man does it smell.....but tummy and spit up issues continued......so just last night I researched online and found a lot of people had success w/ the soy formula. So, got that today and we tried it in 2 bottles now.  It seems to have impacted the spitup as she only spit up once afterwards and was able to burp w/out her formula coming out w/ it!!
Crossing my fingers it helps.......

I also started reading some baby books---the whisperer book, the what to expect first year book.....some good information in the whisperer book. She talks about what type of baby you have, how to comfort/communicate w/ that type...what different cries mean, etc.. The one thing she said that is sticking w/ me is that your baby is an individual and you need to respect her space i.e. tell her everything you are doing. For example, if you are changing her diaper, rather than quickly undress, move her legs around, etc..which  might be alarming and confusing to baby, you simply need to explain what you are doing to her and walk her through it.  It sounds silly, but her philosophies are pretty interesting.....she is also an advocate of a structured routine...I don't want to say schedule, because it can be somewhat flexible....but it talks about eating, then play, then sleep, repeat....it will then get your child to sleep through night.  I actually found this helpful because I was thinking that after feeding she should go right to sleep and was wondering why she wasn't. Seems she was smarter than I and was already following the book.
I also learned that there are things that my baby can do now, even this early...I haven't been doing too much in terms of stimulation. I just assumed since she's so little she should be sleeping all the time. Well, she should, but she can also do way more than I knew....for example, I got a stuffed animal out w/ stripes on it. I showed it to her and she really stared at it intently.....then I moved it and she tracked it w/ her eyes. Then I took her hand and told her how soft it was, etc...It was actually really neat to be interacting w/ her like that. It just hadn't occurred to me....

I can say, though, that it's really easy to put a lot of pressure on yourself about what you are/are not doing....there are so many books and advice out there...what do you follow?  I'm at least reading some recommended books...step one....then trying some of those things out.  Heck, we don't come wired w/ knowing how to do all this stuff!

I've been super focused on her tummy issues that I haven't really done a whole lot else.....oh, my nanny started 2 weeks ago.  So far, everything is going well. She has come in, on time....done some extra things around the house (she asked me to buy a mop. I certainly didn't expect that she would do heavy cleaning). I need to pull together our agreement about what she does when she's here so that we are both on the same page....but right now since it's only 4 hours M, W, TH from 10-2, it's fine for now.  Honestly, what I do mostly when she comes is hibernate in my room and sleep.  It is just so nice to sleep w/out having to have the baby listening ear out. I can completely relax.

I am really really glad I have the nanny right now. It helps to give me some space and breaks. I actually could see her coming even more during next 5 weeks I have left for maternity leave.  The thing I am not sure about is that it is really expensive when I start back full time. I knew it would be, but I reasoned that daycares were about 3-400 cheaper per month, so for the convenience of not having to drag her to a daycare, the germs, etc.. it is so worth it.  That is until a friend of mine recently came over and shared that a daycare she uses quite close to me is less than HALF of what I will be paying the nanny for full time. OH WOW. When you look at it that way, that is a significant difference.
So, I plan to just go and check out the daycare and see what it is like. Get a vibe for it.  I also am thinking about networking to see if another family close by wants to do a nanny share....that may be a good solution i.e. can still have nanny here, but costs go down.....will see.

Wow...lots of things on my mind, I guess...I know this is a bit of a "debrief" post and I haven't really gone into my feelings.  What I will say is that the one thing I am obsessed w/ and think about a lot is that my baby is starting to look more and more like the donor. She has his eyes and nose, I think.  I don't know why this is sticking me so much.....and it's bothering me. Maybe it's the unfamiliarity of her being more like someone I really don't know well......maybe it was the expectation I had that I hoped she looked like me.....not sure. And yes, I do know that she is only 7 weeks old almost and she will for sure keep changing.....but I can't help it for now.

I am thankful for the followers that I have and those that comment. I read every single one.  I am also thankful that I don' t have a lot of followers. I would feel a lot of pressure to keep things interesting, keep lots of posts coming......so for those that read this, thank you. I appreciate your support.

It is now 1:49am and I need to sign off. I had caffeine today....oh boy.

Mommyhood

I am so happy to say the title applies to me.  Sometimes I look at her and think it's still hard to believe that I was already 9 months pregnant, gave birth, and she has been home and she is 5 1/2 weeks old.  It's like yesterday I walked into the living room where she was sleeping and just caught myself realizing I have a baby. It sounds strange to say, because of course I have a baby....but I think maybe it's all still sinking in.

There are also a lot of other things I am realizing....like it's so great to connect w/ other moms about what my baby is doing.  I had a photographer here (my friends gave me this awesome gift as a shower gift), and she recently had a baby too...hers is 5 months old.  We were talking about the reflux (which my baby still has and we still haven't gotten it better just yet) and her baby had it too. She told me all the things she tried, then the medicine routine (same as what I just went through), and told me about the rock and play sleeper that has been so helpful --I went out and bought one today.  For some reason it just felt soooo good to talk w/ her. I just felt such a connection and a relief to talk to someone who "knows".

The realization is that I need to get joined up w/ other moms.....the baby and I are sort of in our little cocoon--don't get me wrong we go out to stores, friends' houses, restaurants, and many people have come over to visit...but it would also be nice to meet up w/ other moms--in whatever way.  It just makes me feel soooo much better about what is happening, her growth, things I can expect, tips/tricks, etc...

Also, the love for this baby keeps growing and growing.  I looked at her the other day and she does this half smile and makes this noise like he-hehe. A bit like a giggle. Even though it is involuntary it is the cutest thing ever.My heart just swelled.

She is still pretty little....but she weighed 7lbs 5oz at last Dr. visit.  That's up a pound and a half.  That's great! But, she is putting on weight in spite of the reflux problem.

It's hard to get much done during the day. I spend a lot of time thinking about things I think I need to do, but crossing maybe one thing off every few days.  And the thing is, most of the "stuff" I think I need to get done is silly stuff like catalog some receipts, enter my cat reward points, call X, Y, Z, order furniture, etc......stuff that really isn't all that important, but for some reason I have this anxiousness about it like it really is...
It's hard for me to disconnect my mind from the tasks I've given myself and just be in the moment.   I have to consciously do it...which I have been successful many times....but it is not natural and takes effort.

I am hopeful others relate to this......I don't know why we do it.....

Other than my mind straying and thinking I need to get a bunch of stuff done....I have spent  alot of time holding my baby and just looking at her.  I love doing that.

1 month

W-O-W.  Tomorrow will be 1 month since having baby girl. I can believe it, and I can't.  Since first week was spent in the hospital, we have actually been home about 3 weeks.  The transition home w/ a new baby has gone really really well. I am not sure what I expected....maybe a screaming baby 24/7, me tearing my hair out, crying because I am so overwhelmed, depression creeping in....I don't know. But, honestly none of those things have happened. 
I am quite surprised at how 'easy' this change has been for me. It feels natural and calm with her, so I am not stressed out.  Where I do get stressed is if we are coming home from somewhere and it is past her feeding time and she is really crying...that has happened only once and it made me a wreck...so I try to avoid at all costs. Maybe it's my mindset, because I often remind myself to "be calm"....and I do believe the baby feeds off of my energy.

I think what's helped is I've done my best to incorporate 2 pieces of advice that almost everyone says....sleep when baby sleeps AND enjoy these newborn times since they go quickly.  Yes, there is a lot of laundry. Yes, I am tired.  BUT, when I hold her and caress her arms or feel her little feet kicking on my leg, it is quite wonderful.  I'll be honest and say that it is challenging when there are times I just want her to go back to sleep because it's the middle of the night, or I need to eat dinner myself......but I keep it in the front of mind always that when I am tired to take a deep breath, relax, and know that sleep will get better.

The hardest part has been when I have had people here, and then they go home.  I quickly get used to having a second pair of hands, then when they go, I get anxious realizing it is just me again. By myself.  I had my good friend here for the birth and she stayed almost two weeks. The amount she did for me is incredible. She took care of all those things I wouldn't have even thought of...and more. I cried buckets when she went home.  Then this past 5 days my sister came to visit. It was also wonderful having her here because a) she loves my baby and it was the first time she met her b) she made me get organized and clear out all boxes left over from the move. She also did a lot of other things, cooked, cleaned, loaded up the car so I could take donations to thrift store (and it was 2 carloads!). She did a lot of the heavy lifting, no pun intended, and it was just so nice to have her here to talk to, relax with, share baby care duties, etc..
She left this morning and I cried a lot again.  There is this sadness/emptiness that washes over me when someone I care about goes home. Certainly more pronounced since having the baby.  Perhaps hormones have something to do w/ it because I continue to sweat a lot too! Right now I have to keep wiping my forehead.

It just makes me think about my proximity to extended family and my future here. I am here for a reason now 1) to become pregnant and have baby girl and 2) my career 3) give myself option of having baby number 2 w/ the company I work for because they have insurance for IVF.  But, I just see myself wanting/ really needing to be closer to family however that turns out.  I continue to look at job sites back home, but realize the type of career I have here wouldn't be the same there--industries are much different.  And that may be ok.  I honestly could see myself moving back, buying a house outright so no mortgage to worry about, working part time (with health insurance) and spending the other times being a mom.  That is what I can envision for myself.

In lieu of family here, I have sought childcare options. I put an ad on one of the websites for nanny care, and I have also tapped into my network. Through the network I've been in touch w/ 2 nanny's and I've interviewed one. She seemed very positive and could be a good fit. I interview the second one on Wednesday this week, then I will decide. I plan to start one part time (about 12 hours a week) until I go back to work, then full time. But, I still haven't made up my mind about whether I go back to work full time right away, do part time, reduced schedule, or take another month of two off.  I actually only have 8 weeks left for maternity leave. I am so thankful I have so much time--12 weeks total--. I'll think about it some more.  My worry is the nanny I choose will not want to do part time for that long and I'll have to find someone else.  Cross that bridge when it gets here, I suppose.

Baby is stirring so time to check on her. I am amazed I got this post written w/ her sleeping through.

Lots of changes, but I'm hanging in there and feeling pretty good.

Good News

Since having baby girl (BG) and coming home, things have really gone in a positive direction.  I don't know if it's luck, per se, but I have been blessed w/ a really good, calm baby.

Update on baby girl (BG): She weighed 5lbs 14 oz when born and 17 inches long.  When I brought her home she weighed 5lbs 8 oz. On Tuesday we went to her second Dr. appointment and she is back up to almost 6 lbs--yay! I actually think I can tell because her cheeks are filling out a bit and so are her arms/legs.  This coming Saturday will be two weeks since we've been home. As for feedings: I really would like to nurse her directly, but because we needed to work on gaining weight, I nurse once/twice a day, and give her a bottle the other times.  She also falls asleep when i nurse her, so perhaps lactation consultant in our future.  I am doing a mixture of formula and breast milk which seems to be working pretty well.  She eats every 2-3 hours and I'm trying to get her to nap in her crib rather than mama's arms!

Birth Story: This will have to come later because there are a lot of details. But, suffice to say it came quick, 5 weeks early, broken water at 1:30am, c-section, recovery, NICU for baby, we both came home together after 5 days in hospital.

Me: HORMONES! the first week was really up and down.  I cried a lot.  I cried when thinking about her. I cried when we were getting ready to go home from hospital. I cried once home-- a lot.  Now that I am past 2 weeks of recovery, it is getting much better. I feel much more centered and calm. 
Here is what is amazing: I have actually lost all the baby weight and weigh 2 lbs less than when I first got pregnant!!!!!  All that in just over two weeks!  I asked the Dr. if that was normal/okay and she said yes and I should keep it going.  I have more to lose for my health, so I will stay on this breast feeding 'diet' as long as I can!  you can really tell in my face.....and the swelling in my body is finally going down. I can see my feet again, with no cankles.
The only recovery snafu is that my incision opened up last Thursday (been about a week of healing now). I woke up to blood all over my pajamas--it looked like I had been stabbed. I initially panicked until I realized what had happened.  I have had to irrigate it and pack it w/ gauze 3 times a day.  Been to Dr. twice and she said it looks really good, and I haven't gotten an infection! YAY!  Also, the right side of my incision is really really hard. I asked the Dr. about that and she said it is keloid (scar tissue). Sometimes your body does that when healing. She said I can massage it and hopefully it will soften over time.  It does pull on my insides so I do hope that it gets better over time.

Things w/ baby have been going really well.  Aside from getting up multiple times a night and feeling quite tired in the mornings, I feel like I have adjusted quite well.  I have tried to think through my feelings about being a mother, developing a bond, the change in my life, etc.... and I just don't have the words yet.  Overall it is good, I have no regrets. None.  I know that I love her to pieces....I kind of feel like the more time we spend together and interact, the more we get bonded.  The most coolest, amazing thing did happen in the hospital....she knows me.  When I first was wheeled into the NICU and up to her incubator I started speaking and she literally opened her eyes and turned her head towards me.  It brings me to tears just typing it out now.  It was just an amazing experience.

What I do worry about is getting a lot of things in order like guardianship/my will, part time nanny care, back up emergency care. I want to be sure all of these things are in place for her.  I have struggled w/ figuring out the best environment for her (and hopefully will never have to worry about it) but will figure it out.

Time management has become the most challenging thing.  I try to cram in everything I can while she is sleeping, and sometimes feel like I still don't get much accomplished.  Honestly if I do 1-2 things a day it is a success.  I made a list of things I need to do and that has helped me focus on ticking things off, rather than mentally spinning them around in my mind constantly worrying I need to get them done.

Overall, things have been going quite well and I just keep learning more and more.
Oh, and the best part about this....I do believe she looks much like me! Can't be happier about that.
Also, I can't fail to mention that I have some of the most amazing friends....because she came early my friends got together and fixed up the nursery, got all the supplies I didn't have, and have come to visit and made sure I have support needed.....so blessed.

She's HERE!!!!

I have been MIA because I moved, then 4 days later I had my baby girl (exactly 5 weeks early)!  I was so surprised when my water spontaneously broke last Monday night at 1:30am, then hospital, then C-section (general anesthesia because of blood thinners didn't have time to get out of my system) on August 7th, recovery through Saturday, got home at 9pm.....been home Sat night/Sun/Mon/Tue....first Dr. appointment for baby today now that she is 7 days old.  She first weight 5lbs 14 oz....down some now at 5lbs 8 oz. We are working on that with the feedings.

So much has happened in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to capture it now.  What I can say is I love this little baby to pieces. I also can say that hormones have gotten me crying a lot.  I'll write more about that later, but I am taking it one day at a time. Trying to keep it all in perspective.....and recover from surgery too.

I'm not sure about sharing her name or photos on here just yet. I know that is what I enjoy about seeing other SMC blogs....so we'll see.

Whew!

Boy these last few weeks have been extremely busy!  Once my house closed I have been furiously moving the contractors through different work items in the house, then my friends came in town, shower this weekend, moving next week.  A lot going on in a short amount of time.

The shower....just wonderful. I had a great group of folks together, the decorations were just so sweet, and the gifts were very generous. It really made me feel a bit better about baby coming because a lot of things I needed, people brought as gifts.  Everyone there was so supportive, and it was also just relaxed and casual. I don't really play games, so we didn't have any. And it was great.  On the physical front, I was up and around a lot, so my stomach spent a lot of time really hard, and I got cankles. I've not had my feet swell up so bad before....and even w/ laying down over last few days somewhat, they still haven't gone all the way back down.
I am now just about 33 weeks and there is no mistaking there is a baby in there. My upper stomach has really expanded, especially by the end of the day. Around my belly button it had itched a few weeks ago and now I have some small stretch marks there. And along the sides of my lower stomach. Ah well.

My two friends from out of town were able to go to the Dr. w/ me today before their flight and saw the ultrasound for the first time.  They were in awe. AND, we got some good views of her heart, spine/ribs, feet, but just not her full face. We did see a chubby cheek, though!  She weighs 4lbs 13 oz and is basically standing in my uterus. Head up, as she always has been, and feet down, kicking around my lower uterus/bladder. I can certainly feel it, and it often hurts a bit. When I sit for long period and stand up, it really is hard to walk.
This weekend took it out of me for sure. I've been exhausted....but feel good I was able to keep up as much as I have.  Because remember, I am still supposed to be on modified bedrest.

I haven't really focused on the fact that I have about 5-7 weeks left. I have sort of focused on car, house, get house ready, move in house, get baby room ready, then have baby (in that order).  Well, when all is said and done that is coming quite soon.  I am not nervous right now, though, or anxious...which is good.

Lots of other thoughts rolling around, but I haven't written in awhile, so I wanted to at least update that things are moving along as expected and I am hanging in there!

Cars, Houses, and Babies...oh my!

Later update than I wanted....I actually did buy my SUV. And. I. Love. It.  It is so nice to be higher off the road, it smells brandy new w/ the leather....I can sit and just smell it all day.  My obsessiveness is coming over me, though, because I am sooo careful where I park. I don't want anyone to door ding me....and trust me that happens everywhere here. I know in time I'll get over it, but for now, I want to keep it as new as possible.

I close on the house on Tuesday. I have been very busy w/ calling/meeting contractors, window guy, painter, others to get ready. I've decided that the biggest thing I do need to do before remodel/paint is to get the foundation fixed--this is very common to have this problem in older homes in the south if they were built on slab.  I wasn't going to do it, but my realtor was right, yet again, that I don't want to spend money to remodel, and have it ruined when foundation may move. She is so right.  So, before I can get any work done, this is the first thing.  I left foundation people a message on Friday and hope to get a call back, or will call them tomorrow.  This may put my timeline back a little because I'm not sure how quickly I can get them scheduled. I know that the work only takes one day to complete.  If I had planned better, I could have had them lined up already. Ah well.

I do only have a few weeks to get whatever I can get done...done...because my stuff will be moved to the house August 1 that's in storage.  Then Aug 2nd I'll have my apartment stuff delivered (still have to line someone up for that, but that's no biggie).  My sister is going to come down that week to help move in, and hopefully buy a new car for herself. We looked when she was down here before and the deals are much better here (way bigger city) than where she lives. I already warned her I have no idea what shape my new house will be in.....but we'll have to make it work, whatever it looks like.

On tuesday I am 31 weeks.  W-O-W.  I am really happy about this. For some reason I had this huge fear of pre-term delivery all the way along. I realize that even now would not be the best and she still needs to cook, but the passing of that 30 week mark just makes me feel sooo much better for her.  AND, I also realized that if I deliver at 37 weeks that is only 6 weeks from now.  Ummmm....what?! I am nowhere near ready.  All of her stuff is still in boxes and a tub in my living room.  Don't even have diapers yet.

I have my friend baby shower in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to it, because this is w/ a lot of friends I used to work w/. A lot of them have been very supportive and clearly I need it.

Lots going on....it is going to fly by the next several weeks I think.  Good news is I don't have much time to worry---but believe me I still have time to stress some.  But, I have to focus and just do. I have to say I feel physically and emotionally better now than I have in awhile.  My Dr. told me my body has topped out in the amount of extra fluid, etc. and I should be able to maintain.  The key has been just letting my body rest by staying at home, and going in to the office occasionally.....and just parking it on the sofa after I go out for a few hours on the weekend.  Yes, I don't feel very strong or physically fit....but I can breathe better and feel like I can cope. 
That is good.

Excitement

I'm going to say it.  I really am......I am getting........excited!  I think for a variety of reasons, my fear and anxiety about this pregnancy has started to quiet down.  That doesn't mean I've conquered my worry about actually bringing home a baby and we will both be healthy, but I try to tuck that into my "anxiety" bucket and not let it sneak up on me as often.

I went to the one-day, fast-track childbirth class w/ my friend who is going to be my coach last Saturday.  She drove in from out of town, and it was at the hospital I am going to give birth at.  It was a fantastic class.  The instructor was very knowledgeable, funny, and is a lactation consultant at the hospital too. We really did learn the process from A-Z about pre-birth, birthing, and bringing baby home.  There were 15 couples in the class--all of them were there w/ men except one lady was there by herself, and us. Didn't really matter...actually some of the husbands brought up some ridiculous questions and my coach leaned to me and said "See, aren't you glad you are doing this by yourself?!".  During several times throughout that class I really was.  The neatest thing was going to see the nursuries.  They had several babies in them and this one....all wrapped up tight, little burrito,...but his eyes here WIDE open. Looking around as if to say, where the heck am I....this isn't where I was....who are these people....it was so cute.
Really comfortable w/ the hospital and going to deliver there.

She is continuing to get stronger and grow. Her punches, jabs, etc. have gotten stronger and she is moving a lot, especially at night. The class taught us that most newborns do have a reverse schedule and it isn't best to fight it the first few weeks....just focus on your healing and getting to know your newborn. 

I now have a noticeable bump.  I am carrying really high, so perhaps that's why it hasn't stuck out much all this time.  Also, she is breech, so her head has been up near my chest the whole time. And squishing my guts thank you very much.  Still not enormous for almost 7 1/2 months, and I am happy about that! (Please excuse the loungewear).

Bump 29 wks 3 days

I've gotten some amazing gifts that now occupy my living room.  As I've mentioned, I had the baby shower at work....and since then some of my faraway friends have gotten me some more gifts, including the car seat I picked out. Really excited to get this because clearly it is most necessary in bringing baby home.  I ended up choosing the snugride 30....for use up to 30 lbs and plan to get a Snap N Go stroller. So, base stays in the car, and carrier is moveable.  I'm happy w/ decision and think it should work just fine.

Hmmm...someone has made themselves at home.

I think I am going to buy my new vehicle this weekend. I've looked at, and test driven this SUV for several years. It is 4 door, one of the mid-size (not super-big), lots of cargo room, and very high safety rating. Gas mileage a bummer, but for all of the other conveniences, I think it will work for me. I have been waiting on it because it is quite expensive.  I am frugal. Those dont go together. But, the idea of shopping for a vehicle w/ a brand new baby isn't appealing.....nor is it appealing to consider putting her in the back of my two door car--yikes for my back and getting in and out.

My house is coming along.  Closing July 10th. I am working on getting insurance before closing, getting contractors lined up for bids....lots to do. Still need to pick out paint colors, and get even more contractors lined up. It just has so much space I am looking forward to getting in there.  I finally went to the apartment leasing office and put in my notice on this apartment. They were able to give me a few extra days pro-rated since July 31 ends on a Tuesday. I'll need a few extra days to make sure house ready to move in, AND to get my other stuff in storage scheduled.

Clearly, w/ all that I would like to do before she gets here.....(I haven't mentioned getting the nursury together yet have I), she needs to stay put and keep on cookin.

28 weeks

I was at a follow up appointment today and got this picture of my baby girl's profile.

So sweet.

I don't really get tired of seeing her on the ultrasound screen.  She also weighs 2lbs 11 oz now.  I hope I'm going to have a little piggy and I can't wait!!!  Her stomach was really big last time...this time other part are catching up....but so neat to see.  She was very active...and has been last few days.

I also had my work baby shower today.  A lot of the people I work with were in town for a meeting, so they had scheduled when the most could be here.  It was short, sweet, and no games!!  We ate lunch, then I opened gifts, then one thing I did do was ask everyone to go around the table and give some advice that stuck w/ them.  The other thing I did was ask the 3 dads in the room what advice they would have, or want to be sure some male role model plays for her. The biggest thing was building male relationships to help build a sense of confidence. Can't agree more.
They were generous...overly so.  They got me some big things like the pack and play and a video monitor for the baby. Also, some clothes/items that couldn't have been cuter....and some breast feeding supplies--I'm changing back to this boss and we've talked about importance of breastfeeding....so she got nursing pads, cover-up, etc..
My message to all of them was how lucky I felt to be in a team that has embraced my path and decision to be SMC (at least outwardly no one has said anything at all negative)....and that I appreciate their support in many ways. Since my mom has passed and my extended family is several states away, I rely on this community as extended family.  I actually have been totally open about how I'm building my family. I am not embarrassed by it at all and don't see the need. I usually just sense how the other person is, and if they ask questions...I answer.  Someone outside my group asked me when I told her about the IVF "did you get to use your own eggs"....I said yes. Initially I thought is was a strange question, but when she revealed that she had struggled w/ fertility, totally got it.

Oh and I almost totally forgot to mention.....I got the house!!!!!!!!  The sticking points were 1) could we get A/C fixed up to be better in master bedroom (yes) and 2) would they agree to money off price of home for repairs needed.  We submitted 13k, they came back w/ 6,500....and we went back w/ 8,500 and they agreed.  This just got finalized last night.
SO----it means baby and I will have a home to go to.  I didn't realize how heavy this was weighing on me until it all came through and I feel much lighter.

I am physically exhausted w/ all that's happened in last few days...lots of deep breaths today to keep it in check.....but a good one.