My stomach sank.....then my heart broke

A lot of what I was told when I first had kids is true....a lot of the 'just you wait' or 'you'll see' kind of advice you didn't want to hear back then (at least me anyway) and didn't think much about because I still had babies. I didn't know what they were talking about and really didn't pay much attention because I had enough to focus on--a bit of in the ear out the other.

But, now that my kids are a bit bigger, are a bit older.....the advice given back then seems to be ringing true. The one that comes to mind  is: "It doesn't get easier, it gets different". "Bigger Kids = Bigger Problems". Now that I have a 5 and 7 year old yes, physically things are much easier. No more lugging around a diaper bag and stroller and bottles and nuni's and everything that comes with babies and toddlers. They can now buckle themselves in, I just have to sometimes open the door.
But what we are dealing with now I'd take fighting about nap time any day.

About a month ago at night time my daughter came to me crying from her room saying she had a bad dream. I knew she wasn't in there long enough to fall asleep and dream, so I said maybe it was just a bad thought and let's focus on our happy thoughts. That wasn't working so I asked her what she was so upset about. She paused for a minute, then it all came out....she told me she was worried about me dying. Tears streaming down her face.

My stomach just fell. Because.....I used to have the exact same worry when I was her age. That's how my life with anxiety all started.  It just hit me that oh no. Oh dear. Oh SH*&t. Is this what she will be facing?
We talked a bit more about the fact that I am here, she is safe, I'm not planning to go anywhere and that I'll likely be an old grandma to her kids someday.  She did settle down, but think that was just a blip of what was to come.

I do find that I am still not sure how much of their bigger kid life to write about. One day I think they will come back and read this, or just having others know specific details about my baby...I don't know.  I guess I'll just share the details I am comfortable with and see how that goes.

Suffice it to say about 3 weeks ago she had gone to the nurse at school and the nurse told her she might have had signs of fainting. She didn't know what that was so after school into the evening she wasn't acting like herself. I asked if her tummy hurt because we had a virus going around the family...and she finally let it all out that she thought that fainting meant she was going to die (and why a grownup would even say that to a child and not explain it I have no idea. I did talk to the nurse and she did confirm she said it).
Unfortunately that incident started something in her because since then, the poor kid has had physical symptoms of difficulty breathing, throat closing, worried day and night about smells and just about everything, and crying spells where she's been inconsolable. She missed a few days at school because she just wasn't able to function. She's only 7. It has been gut wrenching to see her go through this.
I initially thought (hoped) the symptoms would just go away with some sleep and her feeling better from the virus, but that didn't happen. However, thank the lord that now it's been about 3 weeks or so, they have eased up considerably. She still has worries that she asks me and her teachers about, but it seems to be more manageable.

Since it all started, I've been trying to navigate what do I do, what does she need, where do I take her?  It's been really overwhelming without any clear answers. I took her to the pediatrician after the first week and she suggested a play therapist. Then I made some appointments to interview them so we could go. I also talked to the school counselor, the school social worker, her teachers at conferences (they reiterated a lot of what I knew from my girl), her pediatrician again, and made a few other psychologist appointments because the play therapist seems like a joke.  I'm having a hard time paying for someone to play jenga with her and not ask any questions.
The hard part about navigating is that there are SO many provides and  some take insurance, some don't. What I'm finding is that because our city is so big, that those that are "good"/ "reputable" do not take insurance. That by itself wouldn't be as hard to deal with if they actually had appointments.  Some have waitlists until January.  I've gotten recommendations from everyone I can ask.
In the meantime I need her to see someone so we've stuck w/ the play therapist until I can find someone else that I think is better for us.

There's nothing worse for me than for my child to be in pain and I can't fix it.  I'm thinking this might just be the beginning of a journey......but what I know for darn sure is that I will advocate, advocate, advocate.  I will push hard and really do whatever it takes to get us what I think is needed.
It really has been so hard....for all of us. My son doesn't know what's going on but he has picked up my lingo when things get tough.....he says 'Sis, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay'.

Yes, it will be okay, but right now.....it's just hard.

Sweetness

My son surprises me on a regular basis by how much he is a natural care-taker and thinks about others. 
In his pre-k 4 class they earn hole punches in a card for behaving, turning in homework pages (thankfully homework is not mandatory), and basically just being a good citizen in the class.  He's really caught onto wanting to earn his 'punches'. Once they get 10 they get to pick from the treasure box.
Would you know that this boy decided he wanted to earn a lot of punches so he could go to treasure box and pick out 2 magnifying glasses each: 2 for me, 2 for his sister, and 2 for him. He wanted us all to have a collection! He's been doing homework every day so he can earn as many punches as he can. And then he comes home SO proud that he earned treasure box and brings us our magnifying glass when he earns it. I just shake my head at how thoughtful he is at this young age.

Even tonight....I'm laying in my daughter's bed for her turn to 'talk' before bed. My head propped up on a stuffed Pooh bear, so cozy. He hollers out....."Mom. Do you know why I pick up coins when I find them"? I said no, I sure don't. My girl says, "So you can be rich!".
My son says, "No. I pick them up so I can give them to you".

My heart is melting as I write this out.  I always wondered about relationships between mother and son and if it would be different than mother and daughter.  I think it is.  I think that's also due to the personality of us all. My relationship with both kids is just different.
My son has ALWAYS been the snuggler, hugger, the "I love you" 20 times a day.  I love that about him.  I've also been more in touch recently with how sensitive he can be.  One night during one of our talks he said he just wanted to talk about our day (normally we practice addition at his request). He is SO good with numbers it's kind of crazy. Like 1000 +2000; 25+25+25. At 4 I think that's pretty awesome.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me he's feeling sad. I could tell he really was starting to feel emotional as his eyes were welling up--so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he had a bad dream the night before and I asked if it was about me and he said no, about him. Then he covers his face and cries real tears.
Oh my heart was breaking for him. It is so hard to see him sad like that (I learned a day later that he dreamed about a volcano erupting and he was there by himself). I scooped him up and rocked him in the chair....we talked about how sometimes we have bad dreams, but maybe now we could think about things that make us happy. I asked him what made him happy and he said...."Hugs".
Melt. My. Heart. Of course I hugged him and gave him so many kisses.....
Aha, that's what it is! He is completely the most affectionate kid.....he loves hugs, kisses, sitting next to me, on my lap, touching my arm.....he just really loves that physical bond.
It's hilarious because my daughter is now at an age where after he gives me a kiss she says, "Ooooh, yuck, you are getting married!". He doesn't care.

I am just so thankful I have such a sweet sweet boy. He dearly loves his mama, that much is apparent. When I ask at school about my son the typical adjective is: Sweet.  He tells his teachers he loves them (after he gets to know them of course). I could just eat it up.

He's turning 5 this month.  I know in the years to come mom might not be so cool, he may pull away from my hugs and kisses....but until then, I'll store them up and take all that I can get.  There is nothing better than having your child look you right in the eye and say, "I love you". And tenderly give you a sweet kiss on the cheek.
He's also at an age where we are finding humor together...something happened I don't recall and he looked at me, I looked at him....and be both smiled. Both in on the same joke.  It was soooo cool.

I think I've figured this out about my kids....now I could be wrong, but it kind of just feels like my daughter will be blazing new trails while my son is making sure everyone is okay!

I really am loving the transition to having bigger kids.