Well....she was right.

Oh man, where do I even begin. I think last I wrote we were just about to start Kindergarten--started last Wednesday.  So, it's been 7 days of school.  And in those 7 days I've learned a lot about our public school.

Day 1 we drove to school and parked across the street with all the other kids and parents heading to the first day. We saw a lot of the blue totes that the kindergarteners are supposed to carry, looking at how they all decorated them.  Already I was a bit nervous because you have to park across the street in a church parking lot. Then, you have to cross a four laned street where in general, people are not the most courteous drivers.  Anyway, Nanny, brother, and I were able to all go and walk her to class. It was really busy in the hallways, however both she and I seemed to be doing okay i.e. no tears. She got nervous a few times but once we rounded the corner (her school is on the far side of the building) she ran right up to her teacher and gave her a hug. We walked in the classroom and found her name at her table and they had pink playdo at her spot and she was so happy that it was pink! The little things, right?

It was bit busy in there w/ all the parents/kids being dropped off so a lot of congestion at the door.  I did stop the teacher to tell her hey, I was the one who wrote the email about my girl being nervous about lunch, etc.. and her response was a bit short/clipped. She said ‘I know. I responded to your email’. Um, okay. 

Once she got settled in I asked her if she was okay, she said yes….seemed to be, so I gave her a kiss and I went out. I looked back in the room some just to make sure she wasn’t crying, and she was talking w/ the kids at her table.

That was it.

I took a towel with me because I was sweating so much….mom stress!  We did end up going to the cafeteria where they had the PTA ‘tears and cheers’ section. Basically a place for you to buy some cupcakes, etc.. and hang out and say hello to other parents. We didn’t really mingle too much but I let my son indulge in a cupcake.

I think school is a long day for these kids starting at 8:20 and ending at 3:40…..THEN if you do car pick up, it takes awhile to get those processes down so she din’t get in the car until almost 4:15. Long long day for her.  Overall no tears and she seemed to be doing ok.

Then Day 2 we decided to do car drop off in the am (instead of park and walk across busy street) to see how that would go and since nanny was driving I was able to get out with her and walk her to her classroom again. She had come out the day before without her lunch bag so when we got to the room I said to teacher, ‘hey yesterday she came out without lunch bag’ and she very crisply responded, ‘well, I sent it with her…’. Um, ok, thanks for that not helpful answer. I said, well is there a lost and found?, etc. and she said maybe check the lunchroom. I stayed in the classroom a little extra time because I just wanted to see how she interacted with the kids and other parents. My spidy senses were picking up about her….just thinking, hmmmm….you are a kindergarten teacher. I would imagine things like this happen at the beginning of year especially, so not sure why the clipped tones, etc.. I did end up finding her bag in the lunchroom.



What was very frustrating was trying to learn the procedures for what happens to the kids when you do car drop off in the am. How do they get from the back of the school all the way to their classroom? I even had a hard time remembering where to turn in the multiple hallways you need to turn to get there.  I asked the lady at drop off and she said that they have safety patrol in the hallway and they’d help them. I asked if they have someone taking the little ones and she said that the patrol is able to help them. That didn’t sound right so I went up to the front office and asked them how it works…..the thing is, not knowing where to go was my girl’s biggest fear, and it didn’t seem too organized about how they got from one place to another in the morning.  Unfortunately the office told me the same thing that once you drop them off, there are kids/teachers in hall that will make sure they get to where they need to go.

That STILL didn’t sit well with me, so after talking it over w/ nanny (she and I both didn’t like that) I decided to call the assistant principal to understand what the process is supposed to be. Okay, so I may be ‘that’ parent, but you know what? I don’t think drop off car procedures should be that complicated AND, they do it every year.

However, before she called me back when we went to pick up my girl from school, we happened to get the principal at our car. I asked her if she could tell us and she said that when you drop in the morning, the kindergarteners are supposed to sit at a table in the cafeteria. Then, when the bell rings their teacher will come and get them and escort them to their classroom for the first 4-6 weeks or so. Finally, an answer that made sense. I told her I appreciated it, and she was the first one to tell us how this actually worked.

Day 2 ride home conversation w/ my girl was interesting. I asked her, ‘was the teacher nice to you?” and she said, ‘yes, but she got mad a lot’. I asked her why and she said that kids weren’t listening.  What an odd thing to say, so I just tucked it in my mental notes.

Same thing on Day 3 ride home. I asked her, “Was the teacher nice to you?”….and she said, “She spent most of the day being mad. Kids weren’t listening and she was being bossy”. Antennas up on alert again.  Of course by Friday she was pretty exhausted and her eyes drooped….she wanted to just sit after school and recuperate.  Then on Saturday during the day she says to me, “I don’t like kindergarten. I don’t like my teacher being mad. I need a break from school and my teacher”.

WHAT??!! In a matter of 3 days she verbalized she doesn’t like school?! This coming from the kid who is SO joyous about learning, school, her preschool, etc..



These comments, coupled with my in person interaction with the teacher, AND a few other confusing emails where teacher had sent home a ‘specials’ rotation  (for music, PE, etc) and didn’t really say when it would start so I emailed to ask---she responded, but didn’t really answer. Said yes, specials are on a rotation. Ummm, yes, I could read that, but when does the rotation start? I also asked about getting a schedule of what they are doing when and she said she was still tweaking it. I wasn’t even sure when she ate lunch. We also sent a note in her folder about asking to leave a sweater there somewhere (they don’t have individual hooks) and no response to the note, but the sweater back in the tote. Guess that meant no? I asked the teacher about that in person and she said there’s nowhere to put it, but there is a separate process for winter when they bring coats. Umm, ok. She also came home with a bloodied sock, apparently a scratch had started bleeding and she had a bandaid—but no note in her folder.



So, I sent an email to a lawyer mom who is also at the school that I met at the moms group. I just asked her how things were going w/ her daughter?...I mentioned that things were challenging for us, and if she knew anything about our teacher and she said yes, she remembered her neighbor having issues w/ this teacher and that I should talk to the principal.

Then, this past Tuesday night we were talking after bath and my girl says, “I don’t like Wednesdays”. I said why not? She said, “I know my teacher’s the boss and should tell people what to do, but other teachers are quiet and she yells at us. She’s very bossy. If other teachers are quiet and she is not, that’s not nice”. Now she’s noticing her teacher is different (in a bad way) from other teachers??



Ummmm, okay, enough is enough already.  It only took a matter of a week for my kid’s light about school and learning to be affected by the environment. I needed to decide what I should do with 4 separate sources of :

1. My girl’s daily feedback on her experience—my biggest concern
2. A former coworker who worked w/ this teacher said not to get her
3. A current mom at the school said other parents had issues w/ this teacher
4. My own interactions with her…..and the spotty communication thus far with the teacher and the school

It’s funny but I remember over the summer driving past the school and just feeling ‘off’ about it. No explanation for it, but maybe it was my intuition speaking to me already.  Anway, I found myself really upset by it all and really making my mind up pretty quickly that I am not a fan of this teacher and the environment. So what do I do?

I decided my options were 1) do nothing, see how it goes with time 2) talk to principal-maybe explore putting her in another class 3) put her in private kindergarten back at her old preschool.



Well, I thought through contacting the principal and honestly, I am not sure what they could do other than possibly move her to a new teacher. The reality is, this teacher has been teaching for 25 years, I don’t believe any amount of ‘coaching’ or whatever the principal would do is enough to make a change that I would be comfortable with. There are pros to moving classrooms, but the biggest con is whether that would ‘follow’ her at the school and we would become ‘that’ family. My other thought was to just cut it and put her in private kindergarten at her old preschool and maybe try again next year in first grade. Just leaving the situation and her in that classroom was not an option in my mind. My gut feel has been to make a change somehow.  My girl deserves better than to have memories of a ‘mad’ teacher in kindergarten. Just unacceptable.  I realize nothing has gone horribly wrong and maybe I could just as easily give it time to see if it all gets better, etc..because I know she will rise to whatever environment I put her in… AND I know you aren’t always going to get a ‘good’ teacher, BUT…. straight out the gate to have this experience just isn’t okay w/ me and I really don’t want to just accept it.  I AM the one who is not comfortable with what I’ve experienced thus far (and I haven’t even mentioned how big this school is)  With the options we have in this city, and that I am able to afford to do something different (barely with still paying nanny fulltime), why wouldn’t I explore all options?



So, I reached out to the director of her old preschool (where her brother was supposed to start) this week to explore if they have any openings, if she thinks my girl would be a fit for the teacher, what the program is like, etc… And yes, they do. 8 girls and 7 boys so far.

And on Wednesday I stopped by there in person just to talk through whether any tuition I paid for my son could transfer to her. She brought me to her office and just asked me what was going on?  So, I explained how our experience has been thus far and she actually started crying. She said it “hurt her heart” to hear that my girl who is so joyous was describing how she didn’t want to go to school. I totally agree and have been agonizing over what to do. I shouldn’t say that, I kind of knew what I wanted to do. Pull her out and send her back there. The moment I drove up to the church school I got a sense of peace and just sighed.



SO, I signed her up for private kindergarten on Wednesday. She will start after labor day.



Every parent has to make these tough calls for their child. Some may not agree with my decision, but our old nanny definitely agrees, current nanny is probably on the fence. I did delicately talk it over w/ my girl on Wednesday night and when I initially said hey, “did you know your old preschool has a kindergarten?” she responded with, “yaaaaaaaaaaaaay”! Then I asked her if she would want to go there, she said yes. However, after she thought through it more she said she didn’t want to go to the new kinder.  Poor little thing her first comment was, “But…..my teacher will miss me”. Awwwww, such a kind heart.  I explained that she would start school in a week or so and she could take a break from her current school until then. She didn’t really understand what I meant because later we were by the fridge and she said she needed to do something to get ready for school tomorrow. I reminded her she wasn’t going and she said she really wanted to go and that she liked her teacher, her school, and what they were doing.  I told her sure, she could go.  Not going to lie, it bothered me to know that this might be super upsetting for her after she’s already gotten into a routine w/ this school to so quickly transition to another one…..but I have to remember that I need to do what I think is the best for her. We talked some more at bedtime and she said again, she wanted to stay at her school so I told her she could go on Thursday. She asked me if her teacher knew and I said not yet, I had not told the school.

So, how I’ve managed it with her is not really talking about it and only responding if she asks questions. I will let her go to her current school until Thursday next week, and then Friday we have meet the teacher at her new kinder/old school. She’s been fine since then.



This whole experience has been really stressful and disappointing. At the heart of it all, I just want the best for her and I want to be at peace with what is going on with her and her education. I believe that once she gets back to her old school she will learn that routine and overall will feel better. She has said how tired she is multiple times a day, every day thus far. Her new hours will be 8:45-2:30pm. SO much more reasonable in my mind.



I believe in my heart this is the right thing to do, so that’s what we’ll do.
I also made the decision to not send my son to preschool. He's had such a hard time over the last month or so....with separation. Every time we've gone to the school he's cried the entire time. Not sure he thinks we are leaving him there, but it's been not good. Also with his speech delay, I really just think he's not ready. I think he could use some one on one time at home.
Even if I don't send him this year, because he misses the birthday cutoff at school, he still has 2 more years of preschool before kinder would start. That's plenty of time I think.

Kindergarten here we come....ready or not

Oh man. It's the night before Kindergarten is starting and I'm just reflecting over the last month or so. I didn't realize how much was involved in this transition: online registration, then in-person school registration with documentation, meet the teacher night with kinder parent orientation right after, personalizing a tote bag, picture for badge, reading the handbook, deciding on transportation (walking, bus, driver) morning and afternoon, labeling, school clothes shopping, lunch ideas lined up, going to a kinder moms meet up group, etc etc.... That's all just logistics....then it's the worry about everything else: will she be ok? Will she make friends right away? Will she be scared, and will they help her if she is? should we do bus? Why is the school day so long 8:20-3:40.


If I'm honest I'm not handling the transition well at all. It all has been overwhelming to me. I am so conscious of how I am feeling because my girl picks up on my vibe even when I don't think she does. I'm trying to talk it up and be SO positive about school and be excited. I want her to continue to love to go to school. Maybe because we also had her birthday, then school, then my son will go to preschool that I'm just processing slower, who knows!
I've tried to cue in on how she is doing with all of this and at times she is very excited, then when we went to meet the teacher night she was quite nervous (understandably so)....her biggest worry is about not knowing where to go. I tell her this is very normal to be worried and that the others will be worried too. This is all new for everyone and it will take some time.
I think I figured out that it's better to just stop talking about it as much and let her talk if she wants to. Tonight we hardly spoke of it at bedtime because I think it just makes her worry more. Especially when she's tired she focuses on the, "What if I miss you? What if I get scared at lunch?" "Do I have to stay all day?". The tears are so hard to see and much harder to calm down.


I was a bit worried about her new teacher because interestingly enough, someone I used to work with, used to work at the elementary school. About a year or so ago she told me who NOT to get for kinder. And yes, that is the one we got....however.....she also said don't get this other teacher (who I saw on the website won an award at the school) and the mom group I went to who had kids there already both got this teacher. So, um.....I'll make my own decision thank you. Mrs. Schindler. Sounds like a really nice, wholesome teacher, doesn't it? My impressions were good. She's been teaching for 25 years, seems to be quite good with communication. I wrote her an email just expressing some of my concern as a newbie i.e. that she's a young 5, has only been in preschool 3 hours 4 days a week so the days will be long for her, her worry about lunch and the noise/chaos, etc..We had to write all this out on a card for the folder but I wanted her to have it prior to my girl's first day. She responded with such a nice note that they will take good care of her, she's in good hands, it's normal for ME to be nervous, and yes it's hard to let them go. I just felt better reading it knowing that she responded right away and it was helpful. It also doesn't hurt that I'd like her to know I'm keen on staying in contact.
This is a big school (well big to me) there are 6 kindergarten teachers and my girl will have 21 in her class.
Something neat is that when we went to meet the teacher night I recognized one of the Dads in our classroom i.e. his wife was a teacher at my girl's preschool last year. We also ran into his wife at a bouncy house with her daughter Lilly. So she will be in my girl's class. I don't think my girl remembered her, BUT....she at least has met someone and I can talk about the fact that she has a friend already at school.


We are all ready to go tomorrow. Her totebag is ready to go, her outfit ready, her premade sign she will hold is all filled in for that perfect photo!.....and I'm going to take her (with nanny and brother) Wed-Fri this week. They allow us to walk them to the classrooms wed-fri. Then we will see.....I am not totally clear if we are walkers in the morning what the process is starting next week, like where we drop them off if we don't walk all the way to the classroom. I am sure around the school in the am it will be a zoo and will take some time.
Apparently there is a 'Tears and Cheers' thing for parents after school starts tomorrow. I don't know if I will stay for that because I have to go to work, but will see. I will plan to pick her up after school as well when we do drive up. Going to see how that process works. We even got our family number tag to hang in our window. They even made a video on how to do the drive up line.


I am sure there will be tears....hopefully just mine and hopefully after we drop off. I really can't explain why these transitions are so hard for me. They have been since the kids have been born. I was slow to take away the bottle, get them out of cribs (my son is still in his and will turn 3 in October), just the 'growing up' stuff I am not embracing quickly. The thing is, I really am excited for them and love to see the new stages and what they start learning, etc.. When we did soccer this summer-- to see my girl out there running w/ her little teammates, kicking goals, etc.. I was so dang PROUD! We really had a great experience with the coaches (they included little brother as much as they could since he really wasn't on the team). They let him pick up the blue cones at the end and gave him stickers or stamps the other kids got. They even let him wear a jersey and sit on the sidelines to watch/clap when the kids were taking turns with a 3 on 3 scrimmage. All around great experience and I am really looking forward to these types of things w/ the kids. It was a ton of fun.


We also had a 5th birthday. It was a nice day, small get together at the house w/ family friends. We did get the bakery cake with a unicorn (as she requested) from the Mexican bakery. There was a small snafu at the bakery because the picture on the original cake was crooked. I decided I couldn't live w/ it so they had to remake it, but were very nice about it. However, the flavor was awesome!! It had strawberry filling and tasted great! I would for sure go there again.


My son was in a mood and not super interested in being in pictures. We did still get some cute ones. Our nanny does some photography on the side and is pretty good at it. You can tell on the camera which pictures I took and which ones she took:

 

 

Most important thing: I think my girl had a lot of fun. She was happy as could be having the party at our house, loved her presents, got so excited opening them. What is so great is that it doesn't take much for her....she is happy with whatever she gets and just had a lot of joy with her gifts. We celebrated her party on the weekend and finished it off with on her actual birthday went to chucky's to play games. I'm so old school that I still like skiball.  FYI my sister was really great on the first day (just like her old self and was talking, etc..I was impressed that she seemed to be really trying)....then slowly she got quieter and didn't talk much rest of the trip. Don't know if she was upset, etc. but she'll just have to be proactive and talk about anything that was bothering her since I can't read minds.


Now, on to Kindergarten first day tomorrow and prepare for my boy's start for preschool and HIS birthday just around the corner.

Lots of things Post

I’ve had so many thoughts about writing posts—and have taken notes in my phone just so I wouldn’t forget. It’s been almost a month again. Sheesh.  Well, I have to give myself some leeway since it’s been somewhat nuts at work, I had to travel and work a really big layoff, we’ve had soccer on the weekends (just ended this past Saturday and we really loved it), preparing for a big 5^th birthday this month (at least I already have her present a unicorn kite!)…she wanted a unicorn theme. I’m still working on the cake, I’d rather have it taste good then be super pretty. Ideally it’s both, but you can spend a lot for a fancy cake that doesn’t taste that great. A girl at work told me about a Mexican bakery she’s in love with and had brought some of her daughter’s to work. It was amazing….Think we will try it this year. It’s not at all close to home, but for good cake….I’ll drive.

Also preparing for Kindergarten to start August 16^th.  This one I’m just feeling so anxious about. I can’t help it.  When I say I have a 4 and 2 year old my babies are still little. When you say 5, it just seems so much more grown up and older. I’ve also not even set foot in the school so perhaps that’s where some of my anxiety comes from. We have to register tomorrow since I missed the Spring registration and we are all going to go and least get a feel for it. So registration is tomorrow and then she’ll be assigned a teacher. THEN, they have a ‘meet the teacher night’ next Wednesday August 9^th with a Kinder orientation after that—similar to what they did in the Spring. 

A few weeks ago I did actually call about the one school that’s public, but it’s run more like a private school—they wear uniforms and it’s a classical arts academy that’s founded on classical literature. It’s more about teaching how to think versus how to take tests. That’s the one big concern I have about our current school—it is SO BIG and, test taking is a big deal here—and I’m worried about homework. I just HOPE they don’t do homework for kindergarten.  The academy has a waitlist of 82 and we are now 83. I didn’t necessarily think we’d get in (or really was hoping to just yet), but apparently you had to apply to see how far down the waitlist you were and curiosity got the better of me. I guess my plan has been to try Kindergarten at our school and see how it goes, but it never hurts to look at options.

I tried to be proactive a few weeks ago in connecting with other moms going to our school and sent an email to the distribution for our neighbourhood moms network--just asking if anyone has any experience with the school etc would they be interested in talking? I got no takers….sigh. Well, not true the lady that runs the group sent me a note just yesterday and said she’d be happy to talk. Actually she scheduled a moms night get-together this Thursday for those with kids going into Kinder in our area. I decided I would go and talk to her there.  She said in her note that they knew no one when they first started school and that’s exactly how we are. I wonder if community-building will be easier at Kindergarten than it was at preschool?

We have to do some school clothes shopping because neither of the kids have a lot of clothes for Fall and my son will start preschool in September. They don’t start until after Labor day and they have a meet the teacher Sept 1.  I’ve already met her twice and she seems great. I’m nervous about him starting, but for different reasons. He has never been in the care of someone he doesn’t know. It’s either been me or our nanny or old nanny, etc.. Never w/ a classroom setting or w/ strangers, etc.. I know you have to start somewhere, but my little guy is so sensitive. I worry more about him at school than my girl.

Big changes—kindergarten, preschool, my job will change next month sept 1.

We’ve also had a breakthrough w/ language and I couldn’t be more excited.  All of sudden it just started happening. He came home from speech therapy several weeks ago and nanny says, tell mama the word you learned….and he said GOooooooo! Clear as day. I went wild for him and clapped, gave hugs, and told him how proud I was of him. Said a lot of woop woops….and of course he would say GO again the rest of the day and look right at me for my continued support;)

He’s also started saying:

PUH-PUH: purple

NoNoNoNo: self explanatory

Boo: blue

Buh: Butt—he laughs hysterically when he points and says this

Uh-Oh:uhoh

Reh: Red

Cah: car

Mama: me! He tries to get my attention all the time by saying AH! AH! Really really loud. I stop him and say, “How do you ask for mama?” and he quietly says, “Mama”.

Nah-Nah: Nanny’s name

Doooow: Down (usually pointing his finger from up to down)

Na-Na: banana

Aaaapuh: apple

Meee: me…when we read a story and one of the characters has done something I’ll say, ‘who did that?” He gets this big ole smile and taps himself on the chest and says, “Meeeee!” I’ll say, “You did that?!” and he just laughs.

He’s really starting to imitate other words now when he hears people say things….I’ve also noticed he’s trying to talk along w/ songs or tv shows. He’s making the appropriate sounds when counting, although can’t really tell the numbers yet.

AND….most importantly (I think?) is that he’s using words to actually communicate. Last night he wanted a yogurt so I opened the fridge and pointed to the red capped one….he said ‘puh-puh’. He wanted the purple cap!!! It is just so exciting to see his language blossom and it’s kind of fun to wonder what he’s going to learn next.

Language has been a bit like crawling and walking….he did both of those on his own schedule and now it’s the same w/ words. It also seems like the concern the therapist had earlier on whether he had apraxia (trouble getting the words out) isn’t really an issue. I’m going to confirm that during next visit just to be sure. Seems it really is just delayed speech. We’ve known his cognition is right on track the whole time.

On the flip side he’s in the pooping/peeing phase i.e. takes off his clothes and poops and pees all over his bed during nap. Gets it on his hands, etc.. So disgusting. I swear all kids go through this, why oh why??!! He’s done it twice now when I’ve put him down for nap and he clearly has no intention of taking one. He thinks it’s absolutely hilarious when I come and ask him what the heck he did. He’s also had several really grouchy days…..he folds his arms in front of himself and gets the ‘mad look’ when he doesn’t like something. He’s also into hitting me the minute I walk in the door when I come home from work. It’s been every day for a few weeks now. Nothing seems to help. Having him come to me first, having me bend down and pay attention to him right away, etc.. nothing. I remember my girl going through this phase that whenever I came home she had melt downs—even though she was fine all day and even the few minutes before I got there. I think I read that it’s possible they are angry you are gone and don’t know how to express that so they hit you. So, I at least ask him, ‘where you mad mama was gone?”….he says yes, but I am not sure he knows why he’s doing it. He’s only two. Yesterday was tough they both were crying and carrying on.  I just sat in the chair, turned on cartoons, and let them get it out of their system. After about half an hour it was calm again. Takes a lot of patience at the end of the day when both of them are in a mood.

I had a really tough conversation w/ my sister yesterday. She’s decided to come for my girl’s birthday but I’m concerned about having a repeat of Christmas (where she barely spoke, very insensitive, making snarky comments about me/kids, created a ton of tension in the air, etc). That was the worst trip and frankly I don’t want that kind of energy coming to the house for a birthday. I’m still upset actually that she hasn’t apologized. It’s funny because not long ago she was saying how she was mad at my Dad for acting crazy, not realizing how his behaviour impacted others, hid away after acting like that, etc.. Yeah, ummmm….sounds familiar.

So, I confronted her with it. I wanted to get it out in the air before she came. I started by asking how she was feeling i.e. does she think this trip will be better? I asked if things do get bad, what is an action plan we can have so we can address right then and there…..and THEN I reminded her what she said about our Dad (this was sensitive because she does not like it when I compare her to him) and that how things went at Christmas wasn’t far from that. And that I was upset that she never apologized or thought about how her behavior impacted me.

She got pretty quiet and said she never thought of it from that perspective. I think that’s part of the issue. She spends a lot of time stewing in her own head and not really stepping back to see the whole picture. She said she didn’t want to apologize then and there because I would think she did it just because I asked her to. I told her I didn’t expect an apology right then but my biggest thing was I just didn’t want a repeat. She said she would think about it, and I guess that’s fine for now.

I do hope she thinks about it….the thing is, for me it’s more about my kids and not exposing them to that tension.

Another little drama was with old nanny Amy. She lives about 5-6 hours from here and her family isn’t super supportive of her coming to visit as often as she does (maybe once a month), well, really even when we lived there her spending time w/ my family. She’s got a husband and a 15 year old daughter.  Her daughter has a lot of anxieties and when younger suffered from terrible separation anxiety. Now, it’s more some obsessive behaviors (fixating on things) and still some anxiety. It’s become a battle for her to explain that she sees my kids like grandkids and wants them to remember her and be part of their lives. They don’t really understand that and don’t really like her being gone. She does a lot for them like most of the cooking, driving daughter around, etc..My view is they don’ t like it because it disrupts their lives and frankly w/ the daughter some jealousy. Somewhat understandable because kids that age, in their mind it is all about them.

I try to stay pretty far away from it and provide help/support when asked because I don’t necessarily agree w/ some of the things the family does (including her sisters). That’s for her to handle. However, it came to a head because just yesterday she said she wasn’t coming for my girl’s birthday. Uh, what? She even told my girl she was coming and it kind of came out of the blue.  Apparently her daughter had said some things to her when she came back from last trip that got her thinking she shouldn’t come. I told her ultimately it was up to her……I certainly don’t know what it’s like to answer to someone else, but it would be disappointing.  I guess today she is looking at flights.

I’m just confused.

It just all feels like way too much drama.  I’m just trying to have a party for my girl and want to have a good time. Adults get it together for the sake of my almost 5 year old. Period. 

What it also brings up for me is that I feel somewhat lonely right now. I don’t feel like I have ‘that person’ right now that I can rely on when things feel crazy to just let it out, they will understand, and say it’s going to be fine. I’ve thought of my mom a lot these last few weeks because I think there just is no replacing the unconditional love of a mother. That’s really what I crave right now.  I think when she was alive back until 2008 that’s the last time I truly felt that unwavering support.  No matter the situation I could always depend on her with no strings attached. Maybe I was so fortunate that I had such strong feelings and such a tight bond with her that nothing will compare. I’ve really tried to piece it all together and realize that no one is perfect, different friends come into your life for different reasons.  Amy is in my life the most and even then it’s not simple because of the distance and issues w/ her family.  She’s also never been in a professional job and in corporate America so we don’t really connect on that either.

Like I said, no one is perfect….and trust me, I’ll pull up my bootstraps and make whatever I need to work, work.  Sometimes being so strong for yourself and your kids (and being responsible for everything) all the time is just hard. Maybe that’s all this is.

I know it will turn out, things will be fine for her party regardless of who’s there and how they show up.  My new job will be fine, even though at times I still think about throwing in towel, taking a severance, and riding off into the sunset with my littles…

 

I know it will be fine. I’ll be sure to make it so.