Happy Halloween!

I likely was sitting just like this last year on Halloween....in the recliner, in the living room, wondering what I'm going to do w/ myself for the next few hours. I just dropped both my kiddos off at separate boy and girl friend parties where they are group trick or treating. They are still not too old for it at 11 and 13. Given how much my girl likes candy, she'll still be out there as an adult. I scored on my son's costume this year he wanted to be a devil, no idea why....so we found one over 50% off and was 20 bucks. Not bad at all! My girl went as an F.B. I agent, I guess the group of them were going as a movie bunch. All she wanted was a white t-shirt, and made her own badge, had her own sun glasses. Easy peasy.

On one hand I'm excited I don't have to corral them, at high anxiety because of all the cars/people (safety is very anxiety provoking for me)...having to walk them all through the neighborhood letting them get candy I don't really want them to eat....but then it's like....here I sit.  I 'could' walk with the group of boys, they are in our neighborhood, but maybe I'm feeing a bit anti-social. I'm just coming off being sick w/ respiratory bug and not 100%.....so, I'll let it be. Maybe I'll meet up w/ the group later, I did that last year. My son's got the watch so that always eases my stress of wondering where they are. A few adults are already walking with them....they definitely still need supervision at 11. Some boys in his group, well, one in particular, is a bit of a punk. Matias.....3rd child, smart mouthed, argumentative, etc.. they don't play a lot together, which is good, because my son is always telling me about "Guess what Matias did today?"

The other thing on my mind is that I've just been in a stressful time....my kitchen is still ripped apart, my apartment was listed for rent, got a new tenant within a day (yay), and for the last month have been preparing the apartment. Needed all new blinds, touch up paint, the ceiling drywall was cracking so had to have contractor bid and fix it, etc.. so total to turn it around this time is about $1500 plus one month rent to the realtor. I also had no idea how bad the windows were...it is an apartment above a 2 car garage, built in 1950 or 60 and a few window have holes, major cracks, etc. Have not been operable since I owned it....so got a quote to get new windows. It's been a LOT of stuff. I was there yesterday because the paint didn't match on the ceiling so got myself up and down the ladder rolling it on. So sore today. I will for sure hire that out next time, the contractor offered a week ago but I thought it would be easier/cheaper to do myself. It wasn't. My mistake. Another mistake is the new tenant asked for a countertop dishwasher. Never even knew they existed....and I said I would provide one. Why???? In my head it was because I was hoping to make her love the place and want to stay longer than a year....at the time I saw in her history she stayed at her last place for 6 years....I would love a tenant to stay more than 1 year. I've had yearly turnover for a few years now and it really is a lot of work when they move out. Not to mention very costly. Driving over there a second time last night to deliver the blinds was the first time in all of owning the bungalow w/ the garage apartment I thought...is this worth it? Do I really want to keep doing this? Can I physically keep doing this? As an example, yesterday I was going to lug up the very heavy box w/ the dishwasher to the second floor and thankfully my re-key locksmith who I've used for years was nice enough to do it for me. Of course.....I know I'll keep it for now....I really do love the place....but it really is a lot of work when someone moves out. And honestly if I sell it a builder will come, knock it down, and build a monster. I don't want it! Save the bungalows!

Also, lately things have been challenging w/ my girl. She doesn't communicate very much. Also, when she's exhausted she turns inward and that's what I think is happening. This theater gig she does for school is starting to be outrageous. The amount of hours the director has them do is like adding a part time job on top of the regular school day. It's too much! She's only 13! We had a four day weekend this month and Friday 9-4, Saturday 9-4, and Monday 9-4 they had to go to school/theater. Are you serious?  Thankfully the show ended this past weekend so she/we finally get a break. But, I totally get she's just burned out, but I feel like we only talk in the, "hey did you brush your teeth?"....."any homework due tomorrow".....like I haven't had a real conversation with her in a long time. We've been butting heads about a lot of things too. For example, she finally had a day in a few months that she could go biking w/ her friends. Great. However, I called and told her when she needed to come home. She said ok. Then didn't.....so when she got home I was frustrated with her. She just couldn't understand the ONE day she got to hang w/ her friends why I was upset with her. I don't think she got that of course the biking wasn't the issue....it was her still having to follow the rules. Also, she's been backtalking a lot. Now, I know she's a new teenager, so that just may be how it is.....but I think my issue is I feel disconnected. We live together, but pass by each other with all of her activities and her tendency to not verbalize very much. I try starting conversations, especially in the car when taking her/picking her up like asking how's school: Fine. Hey babe, how was theater: Fine. How was your day?: Good. One word answers is the usual these days. So, I decided that we should go to the therapist I went to with my son. I think it's important to make sure we find commonality when there's so much going on and changing for her. I sent an email to therapist and waiting for when we can go.

Then.....my sister. About a year ago we had an issue come up where no one could get ahold of her for days and when that happens, it usually isn't good. Last year my brother ended up going to her house and breaking in her basement to see if she was ok. Turns out she was on a several day, self-medicated binge and just was not with it. My brother found her laying there, she didn't even know what day it was. SO, it was a big deal....she and I went to therapy with her counselor to lay out some guidelines, how better to communicate, etc..and we got back on track.

Well, it happened again last week. I got a text from her last Wednesday that said "I fell and hit my head. I am resting. I will talk to you later". I said ok, call me later. Then..... she didn't call, didn't call.....I finally reached out to my brother that evening (he lives 1.5 hours from her) and asked what we should do. He ended up calling her and calling her until she actually answered the phone. He couldn't get much out of her except that she was 'ok'. After that she called me, which I missed, and she left me a voicemail. I could tell right away she definitely was not in her right mind. I then called her back and asked what the heck happened and she proceeds to say that she fell on Sunday (uh, what?! 3 days ago!) and had just been laying on the couch since then. She said her cat twisted between her and she fell, had a lump on her head, and it was bleeding. Now, she's 6 ft tall so a fall to hit her head is a ways down. And she just laid at her house for days??. Making up all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't.didn't go to the ER. Concussion maybe? She was then crying hysterically saying she just doesn't care, etc..I told her I'm worried I'm going to find her one of these times not alive. She said she knows.

That's heavy. And infuriating. And sad. And heartbreaking....all rolled into one. I know she's been suffering again with her mental health for a few months now.....but you can not just call me 18 hours away, drop a bomb like hey, I hit my head, then ghost me. What am I supposed to do? And we've been through this before......the thing is, she doesn't have many friends. She has one friend w/in 30 minutes of her she's known for years, but they are on/off. And only one other friend about 45 min away that I've never met. I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I also can't condone that she's not taking care of herself. I told her it may be at a point where she needs to go inpatient. She said absolutely not. She also is in denial about her misuse of prescription medication. The worst rx is the one she gets from her neurologist for migraines that is a central nervous system depressant. That's what she uses to 'check out'.

The thing is....I feel angry. And I feel bad about feeling angry. The only close family member to me from my immediate family has so many problems.....I'm frustrated that she refuses the help she really needs, and doesn't have the capacity to be there for me, doesn't have the capacity to be there for herself, has so many health and mental issues. And....I'm just heartbroken for her. She's wounded. She's suffering physically and mentally. She really has no one. I do care about her and feel so helpless.....I think the downfall started about 2 months ago after she had a surgery to repair something that failed from a surgery a year ago. It was very noticeable since then. I did the only thing I could think to do---some action--- which was call her therapist and leave a detailed voicemail about how bad she is doing right now. Of course they can't talk to you due to privacy, but I at least needed to let her know. I also called her nurse practitioner who prescribes her mental health meds. The assistant did finally call me back and I also described to her the events of the past week and just needed them to know she's struggling so bad. I have no idea what she tells them, if she's honest about all the medication she's taking, and I don't feel bad for calling both of them. I would feel bad if something happened and I didn't.

Now that I look back, it has been pretty heavy in my mind....worrying so much about my sister, feeling the tension of us not talking right now, feeling distant from my girl, and living in a wreck of a house, and trying to put together the apartment....all while being sick.

At least w/ my girl we have a path forward.....I really think the therapist will be helpful....w/ my sister I think I just need to call her as a start.

This is all a bit much so I do want to share some happy news...I'm so excited my son just had his well visit today and he's doing great! weighs 104, is currently 5ft 1/2 inch and is on track to be likely 6ft or more. And.....he still likes mama to "lay with him" at bedtime. Sometimes I do still go in there for a few minutes and the other night he said, "I feel safer when I'm next to you. It gives me a sense of security". That was so sweet.....and I know exactly how he feels.

G'night. Love you. See you in the morning.

Over the years our bed time routine has changed....for some reason we get hooked on something and it sticks. What we are doing now is, usually I am laying on the couch, they are each in their rooms reading...then I'll say "Lights oooout"....then each one takes a turn saying "G'night. Love you. See you in the morning". My response is then to say the same words back to each of them but change up the order. So I'll respond with "Love you, See you in the morning, G'night". Why I started doing it I don't know, but I asked them, Hey, did you notice I change the wording around each time? They both said no. Lol

I haven't talked about the remodel lately. It started June 6 with demo.  Well, it's still pretty much at demo stage and we still have no kitchen.  I was so positive and eager when the fireplace came down...maybe in the wow, look how different it is. Now, 4 months later....I'm sick of the dust, dirt, and washing dishes by hand.  I started my cleaning service back up--i thought for some reason during a remodel they shouldn't come. Uh...that's the opposite of what we need.

I love U.....written in dust.

In summary it has gone super downhill. Serious mistakes were made--as an example, when they were cutting out concrete to make room for the gas line and hvac move, they hit one of the post-tension cables in the foundation with the jackhammer. Think about a rubberband stretched...what happens when you cut the middle of it? Yes, serious safety issue.  That combined with being dismissed when I brought up issues...they tried to say everything was fine, maybe the cable looked odd when it was first built, etc.. knowing I was right about the lack of quality of work and oversight. I had to go around them to get my own cable specialist. Gut intuition is a real thing....on part of it they said yes, we taped up a certain area of the cable, then concrete was poured over so noone could know for sure. In my gut I just knew they didn't do it. Can't tell you why, but I just knew it. The contractor said 100% it was done, let's move on. I didn't let it go.....per the instruction of the cable expert, we ended up digging back up the concrete and sure enough, No they had not done it. Ultimately it was determined yes, it was cut, it was compromised, it needed repair.  They did end up paying for the repair (around $1500) and by then, it was over for me. I had to just fire them.  It's a bit tricky because the contractor owner is a good friend of my designer, but he understood and supported my decision.

So.....

That has lead to me finding new subcontractors myself to help get the job done. The old contractor at least put the beam in (correctly) so we could take down the fireplace and that was the most important part. That sub who did that work was excellent. But now it's a matter of piecing it back together with the flooring, cabinetry, drywall texture (another thing that wasn't done right, which I had paid them for, asked for money to get someone else to fix, but ultimately agreed to their request to let them at least try to fix--which their sub can't get the texture right--and here I sit.)

It's been very stressful and it seems never-ending. There's been something to do to keep things moving almost every day, having people in/out your house.....so the other day I just took a break. No body here, no calls made, no emails, nothing. I needed to just take a real break. And now I'm back at it.

I think we were at the top of the hill, ended up at the bottom, and now slowly climbing back up.

Here's what it looks like right now. Just took this picture. What a mess.

Something else that's been happening simultaneously is that my kids are having big kid firsts. For example, my girl has been "dating" the neighbor Teddy for awhile now. What that means, I still don't know, but now have a better idea. I have seen them holding hands, etc. and have told them about what's acceptable, my expectations, sitting next to each other, etc......so much to my surprise--it was maybe right before school started--and Teddy was over one evening. I had gone in the "kitchen" and was behind the plastic sheet. Teddy had to head out so as he made his way to the front door he walked over to my girl and gave her a kiss--on the lips!! I shouted out loud---HEEEEY! and they both jumped 2 ft in the air, went OH CRAP! We didn't know you were in there!! Teddy quickly ran out and I simply said--No smooching. I wasn't mad, etc. just surprised. Come to find out later on my son snitched and said that he had seen them do that before. What?! So, I've put the kabosh on that, but I can only see with my eyes so much. I'm hoping they don't continue that, but who knows when I'm not around? My girl is 13 and Teddy is 14. I don't think it's appropriate at this age, so I'm hoping she respects that.  We'll see. I make it a point every time Teddy is around now I say 'No smooching'....and I get the sighs and the eye rolls, and the 'we know'.....time will tell.

In addition, right after school started my son came home from school one day looking very serious. He said mom, I have something to show you. Not exactly sure what was going on, he goes to his backpack and pulls out a note......From a girl.  The yellow note 8/23/25 has a picture of a chili pepper on it and says: 

"I like U. Or as people would call it having a crush! heart emoji. From: Camillle.

I asked him how he felt and I was so surprised he wanted to have a conversation about it! He is so much more verbal than my girl....he likes to talk things out. This was our first "big kid" conversation about girls, other than me asking him here or there if there's someone he likes, does anyone like him, etc..other than Caroline who is this little girl who has had a crush on him since pre-k 4. He just asked what he should do about it? So I simply asked him do you like her? Short answer--No. But what I really thought was so special was he said he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so how should he handle it?  My advice was telling him a girl's perspective i.e. don't just ignore her. She will just wonder if you read it, what you thought, etc..and said maybe just tell her thanks for the note. We went back and forth about what he might say, how to say it, etc.. and all was good. I'm not sure exactly what happened at the school the next day but 5 days later he brings home another note from a friend of Camille's. 

It says:

"Camille is making me write this but she wanted to know I (if) you like her?" 

As far as I know, the situation has died down....he hasn't mentioned anything since. I did ask him when I went to school lunch for his birthday which one she was, and he pointed her out. I know girls typically progress in this area faster than boys....honestly my son doesn't care about girls right now. He cares about playing with his buddies, playing soccer....and being active. I'm totally ok with it. I was just so surprised, happy, and maybe even touched that he wanted to share this with me and get advice.  He really is my mini-me. I also tend to talk out situations/feelings. I hope this continues.

The good news is, the further we get from the baby/toddler stage the more I am able to accept they are growing into not just little kids, but big kids. With big kids things.  All that advice through the years is so true...the days are long, but the years are short. It's way harder physically when they are young and harder mentally when they are older. I guess the cliche's exist for a reason. They are true!

End of Summer and Start of 5th and 8th Grade (Part 2)

Today is Sept 30, the last day to write a post in September. Yay I made it! (PS In the middle of writing this it was time to drive to soccer practice...didn't hit publish and said I'll be sure to do that before end of the day. Well.....I think it still counts for Sept.)

Last time I wrote we had just gotten back from our trip and were headed into prep for a 13th birthday and end of summer/start of school. I took a few notes so I wouldn't forget some items...here goes.

Birthday. I have a 13 year old. An official teenager. I of course saw this as a major milestone, BIG deal kind of thing. My daughter, on the other hand, kept asking why everyone is asking her, "Do you feel different now?" She's like uhhh, No.HA  Her birthday was really bumpy because this year she wanted a pool party at the neighborhood pool. Even before scheduling this I said hey, weather can be an issue, are you sure you want to do this? Yup. So, with that foreshadowing you can only imagine the day of her birthday nice, sunny, hot....and as the day goes on it starts showing showers/thunderstorms exactly at the time of her party....and sure enough about 30 minutes before her party time complete downpour. Sometimes storms are in/out quick so we weren't sure what to do, wait, go to neighbor's pool (we asked and they were open to it)...my girl was on the verge of melting down of course....because we had planned it all in advance...the decorations, balloons, cookie cake, the color theme of pink and gold, bringing in canes for dinner, etc.. So, long story short we ended up texting everyone that we needed to reschedule to the following day. Some who could come one day couldn't come the next, and vice versa, so we still ended up with about 7-8 friends which was just perfect. My girl has started to be interested in what she's wearing and asked for cro.cs, since all the kids now wear the white ones with socks. and now she can too.

My Son's version of events at his sister's Birthday party. Us inside. Crying. Not at the pool.

With that, we looked ahead at preparing for school....and this year it was just extra crazy. I truly felt like I bought more things this year than ever before. That probably was true because my girl has grown so much now that the shorts and shirts she's been wearing for 3 years (she just grew taller, so things still fit her) finally were just too small. She needed shirts desperately. She's a kid where if it ain't broke don't fix it. She will wear things into the ground before she gives them up. Shopping w/ her isn't super fun because she doesn't love it, nor do I. She is mostly into athletic clothes, so we simply went to those stores and at least found some tshirts and shorts. But, in addition to all of her clothing and his few shirts/socks,  we needed to buy them both bookbags, shoes, her running shoes for cross country, water bottles, school supplies....I felt like I spent a small fortune prepping for school this year. And, we even started early to shop!

Once the whirlwind of shopping for all the stuff, getting the sports physical (which my girl is almost 5'7"), driving my girl to start of her JR high end of summer workouts, etc., going to ortho to finally get her braces off--school snuck up on us and just like that it was the first day of school. I have to say for the first few days, I really felt discombobulated with getting back into the routine.....although it was still kinda fun because I got into the excitement of getting all the gear ready for the first day. In addition, neither of my kids had to change schools yet so it was simply repeat of last year--same location....no real stress/worry for me about them. That will be next year! This is my son's last year of elementary at 5th grade and they have a tradition of letting the parents walk kids to class on the first day. My son has always said yes, he wants me to do it.  He said the same this year so I assumed we'd do the same thing--drive to school and walk to the classroom. Well, as we were walking to the front of the school he looks at me and starts to give me a hug and say goodbye. I was like wait, what's going on? I then realized he wanted to say goodbye at the front door and not have me walk him to his classroom. Too bad for him I was not having it. I said son, I'm here, it's your last year, we ARE walking to your classroom, we ARE getting a picture of you with your teacher. He was getting so mad, but he knew I wasn't going to give up so we went in. Oh wow he was turning red, walking in front of me...kept looking back and giving me mean face, etc..But I proudly walked him to his room, got my picture, said goodbye, and went on my way. By the end of the day when he came home he was over it. This is also my girl's last year of junior high--not even ready to think she starts high school next year. I just can'T.

Then, as soon as the regular routine of school started to become regular, in comes the start of cross country, in comes the start of soccer, in comes the start of theater, and very very quickly we are back to being in it all. The coordinating, the carpooling--although less this fall because my girl's carpool friend Selina didn't do cross country this year...I asked my girl about carpooling w/someone else and she wasn't having it. We got into it a bit because she's a kid, she doesn't realize the extra it puts on me to take her every morning and drag her brother along because I won't leave him home alone at 6:30am. Super frustrating, but I didn't push it too hard and just sucked it up. And that's what we are doing. This morning was the last practice and districts are tomorrow evening. This year again, she's not the fastest, she's not the slowest. She's not totally into the sport...she says she's using as a way to get into shape for basketball. I get that, but when we are standing there in the 100 degree heat at the meets....it's still a commitment for all of us.