First Birthday and More...

I really miss my laptop! I am typing on it now and the screen is so dang big, I love it. I have found that since I have a hand-held for work I spend a lot more time surfing on it and reading other blogs, but I don't log into my own....I miss it.

Lots of things happening since last post....we had a first birthday, went to a pumpkin patch, got family pics taken, changed nannies, and had another first.

FIRST BIRTHDAY
My big boy. He is now officially 1!  He is still a chunka munka. That's what I call him regularly. He's legs are still so squishable....just bought him some Fall clothes at 24 months. You know about those sizes, though, I think they undersize things just to make you feel like your kid is the biggest..."my baby already wears 24 months".....kind of a pride thing. It is for me, anyway :)

He's got 6 teeth--4 on top and 2 on bottom. I want to know when the rest are coming because I feel like he hasn't had a break from teething in sooo many months. He constantly chews his fingers and has been fussy on/off for weeks on end due to his teeth. The only thing that helps is motrin at night sometimes...otherwise he's up several times a night again and as early as 5:30-ish am. Where's the baby that went to bed at 6:45pm and didn't wake up until 7am?
He's crawling around faster than any baby I've seen....this kid can mooove. It's funny he crawls normally but when he gets to the hard floor he puts one foot down.....so it's like a crawl/step thing. Still not walking but he's standing on his own. He likes to lean back against things so he just stands and looks around. I can see he wants to inch forward but can't quite figure out how to do. Only a matter of time.
One of his favorite activities....body slamming. Seriously.  I lay on the floor often when playing with the kids and he crawls from anywhere he is to come over....he climbs up my side like he's going up a mountain (I suppose to him I am) and when he can lean his body against me he raises both arms above his head......then....WHACK!....slams himself and his arms down. I say OUCH, he laughs, crawls up again, arms as high as he can possibly reach....then WHACK! over and over......he LOVES this game. He's also into crawling on/over his sister on a regular basis. She'll be on the floor and he'll come and swipe at her, pull her hair, slime her with his drool, crawl on top of her.....seeing them play together....and laugh together, I love.
His personality is coming out....and he's such a ham. He's learned how to make a funny face. He started doing it in his highchair. He will lean his head back, stick his jaw to the side so his teeth cross over each other....and wait for you to laugh. My girl and I crack up so he keeps doing it over and over. It is so dang cute.  He still plays a lot independently. Often he will decide to crawl into the playroom by himself and start taking books off the shelf. Another thing he likes doing...books off the shelf, legos off the table, toys/books onto the floor. Running theme. He's also perfectly happy crawling into different rooms, finding something to manipulate in his hands...books one of his favorites right now....then when he's done he'll crawl back.
He's found the toilet. Enough said.
He's just now starting to eat some food other than formula or babyfood stage 2---he won't do stage 3 w/ the chunks, he just doesn't like it.  I've given him rusks, tiny tiny pieces of pears, grapes, banana, etc.. Nanny gave him green beans mushed the other day, but his tummy wasn't so fond of that one.

I don't know why but I am very slow to transition the kids into the next 'stage'/phase....for example, he's one year, I should switch to whole milk. But, I've still got him drinking formula and paying a ton since that stuff is not cheap. He should also be drinking more and more from a sippy cup. He has one, and the nanny is giving it to him, but I just don't very often.  I think a lot of it is we have our routines, we are all comfortable with them, so I stick w/ what I know works.  What's the rush, I say...?  Well, then it means you have a three year old still wearing diapers.

Anyway, unlike when my girl turned 1, we didn't have a big shindig.  My nanny was here, my sister was here, and the two little ones.  We had cake, icecream, opened presents.....it was just fine.  I think I realized after that parties can be stressful and I just wasn't up to getting a party together. I felt bad slightly because I DID have one for my girl. I know I know, they say they don't remember, etc......but I do. We still had fun and got some cute pics.

PUMPKIN PATCH....I was determined to get the picture-perfect pumpkin shot.  See for yourself how we did....

Looking to the right......

Looking down......

Oh Oh...I got one!

 Ah, forget it.....after 30 or so pictures....just wasn't going to happen. My sister was here when we went so we got a 'family' of pumpkins and bought the stickers that they had to decorate. I am soooo not into carving, markers, or any such mess. It was just enough and my girl and I had a fun time making the faces.

FAMILY PICS
I am hoping that we get them soon because w/ the deal we get 10 of the shots i.e the copy right to them. I hope I'll be able to make holiday cards and maybe post a few on here. It actually was the photographer that took my girl's newborn photos. We hadn't seen her since my girl was only a few weeks old and she couldn't get over how curly her hair is and how TALL my girl is. She has a 3 year old herself just a few months older than mine. I am a bit nervous we won't get a great family shot because she didn't move us to too many places--we were at an old plantation home outside....reminded me of our family photos right after my son was born--in our old city--and those were just okay. Nothing I would enlarge to a picture over the fireplace.
Anyway fingers crossed.....she is really really good.

NEW NANNY
Yup, I did it. I just finally got my mind around needing to make the change. I had mentioned that no situation is perfect. It's not. What I struggled with from the beginning is that my girl didn't take to her very well. When we were in the apartment (lots of change then) my girl wanted to stick close to home. Understandable. Over time I thought it would get better....and it did somewhat. But, even after we moved the nanny would say that when they went to the park she didn't want to swing, play, etc.. That was so unlike her. I still kept thinking we still had lots of changes.....so I was giving space. She did warm up more to her and would hug her, etc.. but I worried that she was spending too much time on her phone (she only watches p.b..s. kids) shows. It seemed every time I turned around she was on her phone in another room from the nanny and my son. I mentioned it several times but the nanny sort of downplayed it and said that she's not on it much, they play all day. My girl also didn't want her to fix her hair in the mornings....didn't want her to take her to the potty. I knew the nanny was taking good care of them, but you can't pay to bond them. She said from the beginning she loves babies....that was evident. She had my son glued to her hip most of the time, which was fine w/ me. But I think she struggled w/ the pre-school age, especially one that is as spirited as mine. The nanny would say she's never watched a child like mine. Said she was smart....independent...stubborn....speaks like a 5 year old....can be moody....yes, she is all those things. I truly believe she was intimated, somewhat because none of her 'tricks' really worked on my girl.
And then there was the other "stuff" like not being too receptive to any feedback, not being proactive with things around the house--simple things like my son's outfit was folded on a table. It stayed there for a week rather than say, hmm....let me just put that away. She was resistant to schedule changes i.e. I had to mention several times that going to the library with the kids for storytime would be a good idea. I had asked about the library back when we were in the apartment. She wasn't super fond of going to the grocery store once a week. She'd usually say, wow, that's a big list....or, it's up to you whether you think I should go. I made sure she knew up front that running a some errands was part of the job.
To her credit, she was very dependable, got here 5 min early every day. Also, I knew she would take good care of the kids....I didn't worry about that at all. It's just my girl needed more....and after agonizing over the decision for about a month (knowing she quit her other job to come work for us), I finally just decided that if I thought my girl would do better with the other one (the new-er weekend babysitter), than I owe it to her to do it.
Last weekend I texted the nanny and asked if she could come meet (ironically at the same place we had the interview). I told her I was planning to make a change and gave her my reasons why. I had practiced what I was going to say to her, how I would say it, etc...she listened, was understandably upset...but didn't get angry. I think she understood where I was coming from and didn't really know either why it was such a challenge w/ my girl. We met for about ten minutes and that was that. That was a tough thing to do. I haven't had to do that before.
So, we just made the change this past Monday....we had a first full week with the new one.  I've still got some worries....I think I may just always have them....since it's not me taking care of them full time. But, I have to say this past week my girl's demeanor was definitely improved. There was less fussy, less talking back, less stress.....she just seemed more calm. She really likes our new nanny.....I could tell that from how they interacted during the weekends. My son, I don't worry....he's so easy.
Time will tell and I just hope that things continue to go well and we've found someone we can work with for awhile.

FIRST HIGHCHAIR MESS
My son somehow reached the babyfood container from the table. And when I turned around this is what I saw. Someone was having a good time.

The Day I Prayed

I'm not even sure where to begin this story. I haven't written in 5 weeks it says. Yeah, guess I can understand why--my mind has been full, to say the least.

So several posts ago I mentioned that I was struggling w/ my eyes...it started back in January of this year where I noticed my eyes were straining more, sensitive to light, and blinking more. I figured well, makes sense, I just turned 40, and that's when things start going south. I just didn't let it bother me too much thinking it would go away when my eyes adjusted. It didn't.
Over the next several months I noticed it getting worse and I was rubbing my eyes more, a lot more strain and eye fatigue. I just started my new job in April and changed insurance so figured I should get them checked out by an ophthalmologist. He was kind of a jerk, took less than 2 minutes with me, and said I just needed reading glasses. Wasn't really interested in hearing more about how bothersome they were. Mind you I could read 20/20 in the office.
Shortly after that visit I noticed my eyelids "sticking" shut...I would blink and they would stay shut an extra second or two. I also felt like I had to lift my eyebrow to will them back open sometimes--like spasms in my eyelids.  As you can imagine, think about driving and your eyes want to close, and sometimes did w/ out you wanting them to. Scary stuff.  I started driving with my finger holding my eyelid open to make sure it wouldn't close. I noticed I was keeping my eyes closed more and more at work when I was walking because of the blinking/eye fatigue and would almost run into things. I also had to tell my coworkers and some of my clients that I was having eye issues and not winking at them.  Very scary stuff so I decided to call our company nurse line and ask what kind of Dr. I should see because it wasn't letting up. They suggested a neuro-ophthalmologist.
So, about a month ago I go see one in our big city medical center.....they ran a bunch of eye tests on me (tested peripheral vision, etc.) asked me if I had eye pain, numbness, tingling, loss of vision, blurred vision etc.. The only symptom I had was this eye "thing". No numbness, no loss of vision, etc.. just this. So, after all the testing the Dr. says she thought I had bl.eph.arospasm. It's a benign condition with an unknown cause and how it's treated is with bo.t.ox in your eyelids every 3-4 months.  She referred me to a specialist who handles many/many of these cases. I make an eye appointment with said Dr. and of course next appointment a few months out. I called regularly and was able to get in much sooner (about 2-3 weeks ago).

After all of the insurance rigamaroll to get these injections approved and all the medical records sent over, etc..I finally get in to see this Dr.  The nurse comes in and gets my history, says hang on Dr. in soon.
Doctor comes in and sits on his stool, reads me the chart of my history and I told him it all sounds right. He sits back and looks at me some more, making me sort of nervous, uh, why is he staring at me?
In less than two minutes he sits back and says:

I don't think you have bl.eph.arospas.m.

I think you have (insert debilitating disease here). I don't even want to type it, I shudder thinking about it.

My blood ran cold. I don't know if that's the feeling of true fear...but my breathing almost stopped, I had a rush of coolness quickly was over my entire body, all the way to the tips of my finger and toes. My stomach dropped to the bottom floor of the building. I just sat there. My mind quickly started envisioning crumpled people in wheelchairs and then I saw my children's faces.  I just started crying. Crying and crying. I couldn't really speak.
He put his hand on my leg and tried to comfort me and then asks if he could bring some people in the room.  I said sure. I thought maybe he was getting a second opinion from another Dr. Nope, he brings in his fellows and asks them to see how I am blinking....watch how it is NOT blep.haro.spasm.
At this point I just say I am the mother of two small children....crying....crying.
He says I need to get an M.RI done and said I should go back to the neuro-opthalmologist. His fellow later told me that when he was in the hall he was frustrated w/ the other doctor (who he's worked regularly with) because this was obviously neuro, he told them.
I was in a complete, stunned, panic.  I called my neuro's office asking to speak to my Dr. right away and of course I had to leave a message for her to return call. Then sat in the car parking lot sobbing and feeling sick.

When I drove home I just couldn't think straight, holding my eye open with my finger not just because of the eye issue......the tears. And what greeted me when I got home? A workman was leaving my house--I stopped him and asked what the issue was, assuming he was checking a meter or something. He said he was there to turn off my gas, no payments had been received. W..T...F. I have never in my history of owning houses ever not paid my bills. No gas equals no hot water.

I had to just pull it together and go through our nightly routine....finally got baths (still had remaining hot water), teeth brushed, stories, etc. done and while my daughter was watching her show, I was rocking my son in his room, his cheek against my chest while feeding him his bottle. I looked down into his beautiful, innocent, amazing face......The tears welled up and spilled over on to his face. My mind racing and my heart squeezing and aching with thoughts about what I would do....how will I manage. My independence defines my spirit....if that were slowly taken away from me.....dear God. What about my children?.....
And from somewhere deep in me a prayer came out.

I said Lord, give me strength.


It took a few days to actually speak to the Dr.--ridiculousness. But, when I finally spoke to her I said exactly what the Dr. told me and she said that how I presented would be a very atypical presentation for this disease, but let's get the MR.I done quickly and just go from there. A day later I have the test done. However, it was done on a Friday and I wouldn't be able to get results from the Dr. until Monday.

I'm not sure even how to describe the weight/armor I felt I had surrounding my body. Breathing seemed more difficult and I just couldn't focus on much. I realize this sounds dramatic but frankly it was.

After waiting all weekend I go into her office--they re-do all of the tests they did the first time. I start thinking...okay, if it's bad news why would they put me through the wringer w/ these additional tests....start getting hopeful. She had an actual Neurologist doing rotation w/ her so he came in first. He started going through my chart, going through the same types of questions before...no, no numbness, tingling, I can see just fine, no eye pain, etc.. Then he pulls out the MR.I and says it's.......
NORMAL.
Normal.
Dear any higher power out there.....thank you.

Then my mind starts racing....wait a minute.....why on EARTH would a Dr. who saw me for less than 5 minutes drop a complete bomb and say I had this debilitating disease only to have it not confirmed w/ an actual diagnostic test? Wouldn't a Dr. say, Hey patient, I'd like to get a few more tests done to rule out other things...why don't we schedule you for some additional testing?  I had been tirelessly researching the Inter.net about the disease and now shifted to, is there anything you can do legally to a Dr. who gives you wrong diagnosis....(not really). I forgot to mention that the Friday before I got the results the Dr.'s nurse called me and said I should check w/ my regular Dr. as well because it could be another disorder I should ask about.....ummmm....what? Why on earth wouldn't he have initially told me in his office he thought it could be this OR this....not, you have this, period.

Then I started getting mad. REALLY mad. So mad that I called the Dr's office who dropped the bomb and said I wanted to speak with him, and had to leave a message, of course.  He called me back that evening and I asked him if he had spoken to my neuro i.e. the clear MR.I. I wanted to know how he would explain giving me this diagnosis that the test doesn't back up. I was expecting him to say he was sorry, shouldn't have done that, whatever.....but he goes on to say, well, it may not have shown up in the test, but it could still be a clinical diagnosis.  I didn't even know what that meant other than he just put doubt back in my head when the other Dr. had just taken it out.  I looked up online what clinical diagnosis meant and it just means a diagnosis based on symptoms presented versus confirmation via diagnostic testing.
After that call I was so confused.

The next day I called my regular neuro-op back (just last week) because I wanted to understand how he could still be saying this....the Dr. didn't call me back but her nurse did and she said that the Dr. said it was unlikely, but that's why she had referred me to see a general neurologist. That would be the appropriate Dr. to do further testing, confirm, rule out, etc..

Of course that general neuro in one of the city's highly regarded institute's next available appointment--November 19th.  I called around trying to figure out if I should just go to a different institute/Dr. etc and for some reason wait times for a remotely recommended Dr. in this field is at least a month.
I decided I would rather wait for what is supposed to be an excellent Dr. than go to a fly by night one just because they have an opening sooner.

So here I sit. The office told me to call everyday for cancellations, which I have.

It's hard to fully describe in writing what an emotional turmoil this last month or so has been. One of the worst parts about all of this......right after I left the tough appointment....I couldn't think of anyone locally to call. There really isn't anyone who is involved in our daily lives (other than nanny) that I could say, hey, come on over...I need a shoulder. I felt very, very alone.  These are the things you pick up the phone and tell your mom....or husband. Someone who can be a rock for you....not just emotionally, but physically as well.

The trauma has subsided...I am trying to just focus on waiting for the next Dr. appointment and more testing, etc. I am not researching anymore because it just gets me anxious. I'd like to think that after all of this I may just have ble.pharospasm after all....or some other benign deal that is treatable and able to be helped somehow. It's interesting because some days are better than others and some days my eyes feel like they want to shut and "stick" that way half the day, with driving anytime and end of the day being the worst. If I am talking to someone I have to really concentrate to keep my eyes blinking somewhat 'normally' so it isn't so noticeable.

I have a lot to update on the kiddos---we had a first birthday! but think I'll just leave this post for now.