Molars and Merry Christmas

I'm sitting here in the bed early Christmas morning--one of the benefits of posting from a phone.

I almost want to call my title to this post an oxymoron. Merry and molars. Nope not in this house.

My son has two lumps in his lower gums that have caused him to cry and fuss almost nonstop all day yesterday--except when he napped for 3 hours thank you universe for him having that break.

He's nawing his own hands screaming at times. Last night he was up every few hours. Every few hours.

I'm exhausted.

He's just in rough shape--the teething, he's got a rash that won't quit so saw dr and now referred to allergist possibly dairy, a lump on side of head where he conked it on tub spout, and a partridge in a pear tree.

We drove to our old city left wed night at 7 pm assuming they would sleep. It was the only way I could get my mind around driving w 2 babies by myself for hours.

Overall the drive went just fine they slept for the most part--until we hit an accident and everyone put it in park. Set us back an hour or so. So we didn't get here until around 1 am. Kids wound up so we all didn't get to sleep until 2-ish. Son up every few hours then too.

Just a few minutes ago I had to decide between pee on my shirt or some sweat from the day before. I chose sweat.

I brought all of our presents with us but had NO IDEA how much our former babysitter (where we are staying) would buy for the kids. It's over the top and I'm feeling bad that I got her teenage daughter one present--a measly gift card.

Embarrassed to say this but early this morning my old babysitter took my soon to go get some ty.len.ol--Motrin not working one bit--I opened her daughters present and changed out the gift card from 20 to 40. I had no idea she would have all of our stockings filled and presents galore under the tree. Even for my one year old son. 

I got my son his first pair of shoes. That's it. No toys--we have too many. No fun things like puffs or anything.

He'll play with the paper and boxes.

Now my girl it's been great (minus a meltdown at bedtime last night where I lost my temper and I felt bad since it was xmas eve--I always apologize to her. She said it makes her upset when I'm upset with her. Aww I know punkin) Aside from that she's been so happy and no fussies and just fun to be around. She's full of excitement about xmas, presents, lights, decorating cookies, seeing everyone here--hasn't seen our other old babysitter and her girls for months. Just so fun--lots of hugs and I love yous.

Not sure what today will bring but we'll make the best of it to have a great time and maybe I can sneak a nap in there😉

Why is it?

Parenting. I've done a lot of thinking about this over the last few weeks. Mainly because what I'm doing isn't working for my girl. Now of course she is a threenager, spirited, and all those things. But I feel more and more I'm at a loss for how to handle situations. Often in the moment I find myself asking--uh what should I do now--leave the room,stay?

I'm all for empathetic parenting, giving choices, letting kids blossom with the personality they were born with etc.

But....

When I'm spending more time losing my temper than enjoying things, somethings gotta give. Take today for example...I can almost bet each time we play outside in the afternoon there will be a meltdown. It starts out fun, exciting, we play soccer, etc than the minute I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do--starts the slide. "No. I don't WANT to. That's frustrating me". All I've asked her to do is sit down and have a snack.

Then it starts full on battle. She gets more and more defiant--I get more and more frustrated. Then I finally say we're done outside. Cue major crying now. I pick up everything including her because she won't move. She's kicking. My son starts crying.  We've had several afternoon scenarios like this and I've just had it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. 

And today I just full on lost my temper. It doesn't happen very often but I was just seeing red. I got so frustrated with the battles and the defiance and the constant behavior she saves for me--and I know that's true because it's like a switch with the nanny. That's partly what made me SO mad today. They had a great time, she's calm, laughing, rainbows--okay a little dramatic. After nanny leaves that may last for 5 minutes then it's like a different kid again.

Is it attention? Is it she can fully let her guard down i.e. mamas safe? Maybe this is just normal and no matter what I do it won't matter?

So something I've been wondering--just came to me tonight--maybe I'm too passive? I spend so much time trying to get her to decide she should do something that maybe I've limited my own authority? When I ask her to do something sometimes it's a yes, but often it's just NO. If she says no I try and talk her into it like Cmon, let's get your shoes, time to go. Hoping she'll change her mind and do it if I don't get upset, etc. and if she doesn't I end up frustrated and/ or doing it for her. 

Basically she's learned she doesn't have to listen to me.

So tonight I said that's enough and laid down the law--sort of. When we were doing bath I said it's time to wash hair--No. Normally I'd say now what side do you want to do it--yadda yadda. But tonight I said yes we are. You can help or I will do it for you. She fought so I just wet her hair/ washed it and it was done in 2 seconds. I said she needs to listen or mama will have to do it for her.

Same thing getting ready for bed. Didn't want Jammie's etc --ran into the tent--so I said if she didn't want to listen I'd have to do it myself. Done in 2 minutes.

Not saying I'm going to continue with that approach but I think I need to figure out how to make sure she understands mama is in charge. And it felt good to say this is what we are going to do and just did it.

I'm goin to do more research but I think back to the nanny show I watched all the time--even before I had kids. I used to just say omg look at those kids--and the parents let them get away with that! 

Well.....

I know she put house rules, had a calm down corner, etc. maybe I need to do something like that. Discipline by redirecting or convincing or putting in her room for 30 seconds just isn't working.

It's not all frustrating! We had a lot of fun yesterday and went in our bike trailer--really like this thing--to the park and the store in afternoon. My son decided he liked it once we got going.

Bah-Humbug

I wish I didn't feel this way but today there wasn't one ounce of me that had a spark for the holiday. It totally just snuck up on me this year. It's December 13 and I finally forced myself to go get a tree. Our nanny threatened to go do it if I didn't....that's not good, is it? :) When I got home it was raining, cold....and this new awesome tree stand wasn't so awesome. My nanny and I fiddled with it for half an hour and finally got it to stand in there (by adding toy blocks) and not fall over! Meanwhile my son decided it was time to poop. And cry. A lot.  There are no ornaments yet, but by this evening it had lights and a tree skirt.

My girl just HAD to hang our cat's stocking. Pretty clever, it's in the fireplace keyhole.

Not sure what it is, but it's not just the holidays....it's a lot.  This blog, for example....I've steadily declined the number of posts such that I'm only posting 1-2 a month...if that.  For some reason even posting feels like something else 'to do', and I just don't have the energy to put forth.
To my credit, no shocker, but it's been pretty stressful these last several weeks. I don't even know where I left off last time, but we ended up staying at home for Thanksgiving. My sister decided she was going to have some additional skin surgery here (she had weight loss surgery about 5 years ago).....I initially knew it was going to be tough. Taking care of my sister in addition to a 3 year old and 1 year old. Oh, and work too.
She flew down the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I'm still pretty upset w/ her because a week before she had texted me at 4 in the morning just spewing 'stuff'....like how she isn't happy w/ things in her life, yadda yadda, but then she said she still isn't happy about the fact that she is not my children's guardian. The reality is she has a hard time keeping herself healthy, let alone taking care of anyone else. I just don't see her being maternal--she would really be upset for me saying, but she has a lot of characteristics of my Dad. She can be selfish, moody, etc.. In any event, it really bothered me because I felt like even texting at 4 am was selfish i.e. hello...I woke up...read text...wondered what the heck was going on. And I am usually the one to address issues....say hey, let's talk, didn't like where we left things, etc.. but this time I held my ground. I just got tired of playing peacemaker.
And guess what? We barely talked for 2 days before her surgery.

So, she got here on Sunday, pre-op Monday, surgery on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Then they kept her overnight for pick up on Wednesday.  I was with her the day of surgery and went to get her the next day. She had her thighs done and breast lift. When I saw her, her right leg looked kind of swollen but I didn't think anything of it. She was wrapped pretty good w/ bandages, drains. Well, once I took her home she continued to be in quite a bit of pain. Her leg looked just awful....major purplish--almost blackish area along incision, big blisters all along her leg. She needed a lot of wound care--there was a lot of bleeding throughout the days--and help just getting up. I texted and called the Dr.and he decided he wanted to see her on Thanksgiving--his office an hour away.

Here's where I mentioned taking care of a 3 year old and 1 year old was hard....my nanny had off Thanksgiving and that Friday. So, it was just us. I even texted nanny out of desperation--my sister could barely walk--but she had her entire family with her. So, only option was to load up the kids and head down to the Dr. I had ordered a premade thanksgiving meal from the grocery store and it sat there until Sunday.

The picture in last post was my son on the floor at the Dr's office. That's how we spent our holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving. Running up and down the Dr office hallway.

Mmmm...puffs.

Make a long story short she had a 'bleeder' in her leg that didn't heal correctly so her leg filled up w/ fluids-that's what caused the blistering too. He got some out while we were at the office and wanted to see how that went. Well, she was still in a lot of pain so he wanted to see her again on that Sunday/or Saturday can't remember now. Drove another hour back down there and while it looked a bit better she was still in a lot of pain so he decided he just needed to go back in and do surgery again. oh. em. gee.
So, we did a same day surgery. When does that even happen? It took all day.....good news my old nanny had come to visit so she had the kids and I wasn't completely losing my mind.

When I was taking care of my sister my girl couldn't have been any more sweet. She wanted to put on rubber gloves anytime I did when I was cleaning/wrapping the wounds. She kept asking my sister how her bo-bo was? She would bring her stuffed animals to sit next to her.....she said "that would make her feel better". It was just so sweet. She said she was NURSE and was a big helper.

In the meantime I was supposed to be preparing to fly to the field for my job that Tuesday. I was so stressed trying to figure out who/how/what all that was going to work. Thankfully at the last minute we decided it would be better for me to go the following week.

I did go on work trip last week, went Monday morning and got home Wednesday night. It was sun up to sun down work when we were out there so I came back just exhausted--lived on caffeine for the week. I'm trying to detox from that, so it may have something to do w/ it. In addition, the minute I landed Monday morning I got a text from my nanny asking about urgent care for my girl. WHAT? Apparently she had blood in her urine and was crying because she said it hurt to go potty.  How's that for freakin a mama out when she's a thousand miles away?!  Nanny took her to the Dr. and they assumed u.ti....but culture came back clear. She still was complaining so nanny took her back Wednesday and they did another culture...just was called on Friday and it was clear too she told us to stop antibiotics, no infection. Jeepers. Just some irritation that had the same symptoms.

So as not to focus on all of the stressful parts of life, I've been keeping a log of funny/cute things happening in our life on my phone because I haven't gotten around to blogging about it.

My girl:
--She's picking up so many words and using them in the right context. We were in the 'big bath' and had lots of bubbles. I was trying to scoop them away and she cried, "No, not my collection!".  She was making shadows on her wall and I asked her if it was a dog...she said nope, it's a woodpecker.
--We were watching a show on p.b.s...the only channel we watch and it showed a shark. She said no, it was a whale. Whales have little holes on top and blow water. Watching another show and she exclaims, hey, that's earth!  How does she learn this stuff?
--We do a version of cin.der.ella story every night..I've slowly shortened it so now we go through it in about 2 minutes. The other night I was telling her how after the clock says dong, dong, dong....she runs down the stairs and her glass slipper comes off. She turns to me and says that cin.der.ella should have worn sandals. I asked her why? She said because they don't fall off!! I laughed out loud on that one.....
--I've played a joke w/ her for a long time now....I'll say hey, guess what?  She'll say wha?.  Then I say "I love you." The other day we were riding home, just she and I from somewhere and she says "Mommy, guess what?"  I wasn't even thinking about it and said , "What?". She said, "I WUV YOU"! She got me! She giggled so hard on that one.
--She used to earn treats during bath...if she misbehaved I would say you have 2 left. Then 1, then zero. When we were reading a book the other day the number 10 came up, I said one and zero is ten. She says, "zero means no sugar ice cream"!  Well, yes it did!

Now, her behavior.....that's been so so challenging. Today in fact I just threw up my hands. I don't know what to do. When she is the least bit tired, hungry, or something, her attitude w/ me (not the nanny of course, saves it for me) goes in the tank. So when she feels like this and I tell her No for something. Just look out. Today it was chocolate chip cookies. Our neighbors brought some over and I let her have two.  A few minutes later she asked for more...I said no, I already let you have two. Well, you'd have thought I told her she couldn't eat for a year. But she WANTED a cookie.....starts yelling, then tries to get the container from me. I say stop....she immediately says NO. Her favorite phrase..." I don't WANT to". I calmly explain that she can't have any more----forget about it. Tantrum here it comes. What gets me going when this happens is the backtalk....When I say stop, or please don't or whatever she comes back w/ a sharp No. And the hitting. She knows that is totally unacceptable but she does it anyway. When she gets in her mood, she just does it.
I'm at a loss w/ what to do when she's like this. If I dig in my heels, she just digs in harder. If I ignore it, she continues to scream, then hit, or whatever to get my attention. If I remove her to her room she kicks the door, screams, throws things...I tell her she can come out when she calms down and says yes ma'am. That's my new trick that works sometimes. She's a negotiator...so when I catch myself arguing I just say yes ma'am. She says it back...and that means it's the end of the conversation. Sometimes it works.
I really just want a day where there are no mood swings, no tantrums, no backtalking.....just an easy day. Her behavior sometimes makes it so. dang. hard sometimes. Exhausting.

My son
My son has reverted. For weeks he has been soooo fussy....cries on/off a lot of the day. Like he's a newborn again. He's never been good w/ teething....and December 1 was his first molar that poked through the top. The four corners and redness make me understand that I'm sure it hurts.  Then, the one on the other side poked through as well. Those suckers are big. So he now has 6 teeth on top and only 2 still on the bottom.
--He's interacting more and more....we sing the "I love you, you lov.e me" song and at the end we say BOM BOM.  Well, he's started saying it when we get close to the end of the song. It's so dang cute.
--He does Kisses! I say kiss-kiss and he'll lean in w/ a big slobbery kiss on the cheek.
--He's started to have separation anxiety. This poor baby when I walk towards the door he crawls as fast as he can (and sometimes hits the floor) to try and catch me. After I go out he just sits there and wails.  Not for long, but it is just so sad.
--He can stack blocks! He puts his wooden blocks on top of each other. When he does it, I clap so proudly and he looks up w/ a big 'ole grin.
--He still likes to be held. He is definitely a hip baby. That's one of the few things to do to get him to stop fussing. Just stand up--can't sit of course--and hold him.
--I thought we were on a roll and stopped formula. Super excited for the cost savings. However, either coincidentally, or not.....the minute we went to milk full time he had some major stomach issues....weird though....constipation, diarrhea, normal....all mixed up. For a week or so. So I called the Dr. and she said it could be a tummy bug, or the milk. So, just go back to formula for a week or so and see how it goes. I've been too nervous to put him back to milk completely so we've been doing formula again mixed w/ some bottles of almond milk...which is what my girl and I drink. Tummy is better so I suppose we should try again.
--He loves to: crawl over me when I am laying on the floor, go immediately to the toilet any chance he can get, be insistent on going in whatever direction he set out to go (if you say no or turn him around, screeches), climbing on his sister, flipping through books, crawling super super fast (not walking yet), feeding himself (he's now loving to eat table food like black beans, eggs, pears...tried hot dog the other day....cheese, corn, peas etc.) He's almost turning away spoon fed food more than not.

We had our photo session in October and I was a bit disappointed in how it turned out.  My son didn't look happy in most of them. She tried to photo-shop but it ended up just looking odd. There just wasn't a family one that I Loved...or one w/ the two of them that I loved (where you could see both of their faces anyway). The deal was you paid for a mini-session, then got the original jp.egs. She offered to do a re-do session, so we did. There still isn't a family one I plan to blow up for on top of the fireplace, but there are some cute ones and we can certainly make some xmas cards.

Testing

Testing from phone post.

When it rains.....

A week before Halloween we had a rough week with sickness....my son had thrown up, my girl then got the throw ups, then they both had nose/chest colds for about a week (I might be convinced it came from the library) Then the holiday came.  In all honestly, I was not looking forward to it because it was hot, it started at 6pm which is right when we normally do bath, etc..I thought all day how I would really rather it be at 4pm when it's still light--and fit better into our day.
Our babysitter brought her 2 kids, her niece and nephew, her husband, and I went with my two little ones to a neighborhood not too far from my house. Apparently my babysitter had gone there in year's past and liked it a lot.  I had no idea how they would do i.e. would baby girl like it, would she be afraid, would my son melt down in the stroller in five minutes, would I get too hot????

Turns out, WE HAD A GREAT TIME!!!!!  My girl LOVED trick or treating....she wanted to hold my hand at the first house, so we walked up, she shyly said trick or treat, got some candy, said thank you, and we ran back down. She was so excited to get that candy! She said, "Can we do another one mama?". I said of course....so we did another..and another....and after every one she'd want to show her treats to our babysitter and ask if we can do another? She was just delighted. I was so excited/happy to see her so excited.

We also had a ton of fun with the costumes....I had purchased the penguin outfit on clearance last year for 10 bucks. Thought it was so darn cute. And the elephant, we actually had that from her FIRST halloween and she wanted to wear it again. We had a dorothy costume all ready to go that a friend had given us and she wanted nothing to do w/ it. Elephant it was.

Couldn't decide. Penguin or Elephant. How about both! I love the hair poof.

Happy Trick or Treaters!!

And now for the rain.....

When we got back from trick or treating my girl got in my lap and just didn't want to move. That was certainly unusual behavior. We took a shower and she said she was cold during the shower....and shivering a bit. Okay, clearly she was starting not to feel well. I gave her a bit of mo.trin before bed and hoped next day better.
Well, when she woke up on Sunday she was pretty warm. The babysitter was here so I ran to the grocery store, and when I came back and felt her forehead she was burning up. Just on fire....she had been falling asleep off and on in the chair and that was not normal for her at all during the day. As soon as I saw her I knew we should go to urgent care. I bundled her up, jammies and all, and off we went.

When they took her temperature there it was 104.7. WHAT?! They checked her for strep which was negative, gave her some motri.n, and said I could watch her at home (uh not w/ that kind of fever) or take her to a satellite ER place not attached to a hospital. Had never to been to one before but they said they send patients there a lot so I said fine, we would go there. They had checked her temp before we left and it was only down to 104.4 so I was not comfortable taking her home, off to ER we go.

We get there and they take all her vitals...her heart rate was high, she was dehydrated a bit even w/ her drinking fluids over last several days....they weren't sure if she had infection or viral so because of her being sick for all of the week they wanted to rule out lung. I questioned them on this because they wanted to do a chest xray--it seemed a bit much considering I didn't hear wheezing/etc and her cough hadn't been 'yucky', but given how she was doing I finally said fine, go ahead.  We also did a urine.....imagine having a major fever, being three, and having to do these tests.....not fun. At all.  It's kind of running together with the sequence but the Dr. also tapped on her back/kidney and she said it hurt. They asked us to do another urine. Why I have no idea but it was not easy to convince her to do the first one let alone the second. She was feeling so sick and her little body was so hot when I was holding her.
The Dr. comes back in and says he thinks we need to take her to the Children's hospital.....of course then I'm starting to panic a bit.....he said that because of her heart rate, her dehydration (he put his finger on her heel and counted after pressing--guess if it takes a little bit, it means no good). And not only should she go to the hospital but she should go over by ambulance.
Uh, what? My gut was saying that was totally unnecessary.....she was conscious, they hadn't done any fluids, etc.. so why would they need to do that?  They said that they needed to start fluids/antibiotics right away and they leave in for trip over to hospital. I asked a ton of questions like why would we start fluids now at all...why wouldn't I just take her over to children's ER and do whatever they needed there?  Also, I didn't want to add something else that might be traumatic for her.  Then he brought the full court press about how if it was his child he would use ambulance, kids crash fast and you don't want your kid to be one of them, he even drew on the bed where he showed adults have a gradual decline, but children don't, etc. After telling them a few times I would go against medical advice and just take her I finally wore down and said fine.

So, that meant next step was to start antibiotic/fluids....which meant I.V.  The nurse had me hold her legs and other nurse had her up top...she tried to get the I.V on one arm but no good....my girl was screaming, of course...but had the nurse gotten it on the first try it might not have been so bad.....but since she didn't, my girl knew what was coming and just melted down. She was pleading w/ them not to do it.....Doctor! Please!...No shots.....it absolutely positively broke my heart. I was trying to be so brave for her but I broke down in tears....just couldn't help it. There is not much worse on earth than seeing your baby in pain, screaming, frightened, sick, pleading.....and you can't fix it. Awful.
And she didn't get it on the second try on the other arm!! I said NO, enough.....we aren't doing it again. Enough. They left the room and I finally got her calmed down.....poor poor baby. At this point my girl was just exhausted.....they initially said the ambulance would come in 20 minutes but almost an hour later we were still there.  They came to check her temp and it had gone down a lot....the earlier medicine must have now just kicked in. I still kept questioning the ambulance, the need for it, etc... but just as I was about to say forget they showed up. So, we loaded up and off we went to the children's hospital.

I am realizing how long this story is getting so I'll shorten it here.....we got there, they put us in triage, and guess what? Sent us right out front to wait w/ the rest of the people. Even though we were brought by ambulance. I KNEW that was unnecessary.
We waited soooo long for them to call us--and while we waited they had us do yet another! urine sample....and finally get taken to a back room.
Once hooked up to machines it showed her heart rate pretty high again.....and her fever was starting to come back up. Dr. wasn't sure bacteria or viral (her urine looked 'suspicious' and they sent off for culture) so she wanted to start on antibiotics. We waited to see if her heart rate would come down just by adding some bottle/popsicle fluids but no good.  Unfortunately that meant I.V fluids/start anti were necessary.

By now we had been to the urgent care, ER #1, an ambulance, and now here. My girl and I were both exhausted.....they had already tried twice at other ER to do it.... and now had to try again.  This time since it was a children's hospital they have different techniques i.e. they rolled her up like a burrito and left one arm out...but they still had one nurse at her head and I was on her legs.....she just fought and fought. By now she knew it hurt. DOCTOR...please...NO! I want the cold stuff! ( the alcohol before the needle)...I WANT BANDAID...no please!! The nurse was trying to distract her by asking what color bandaid, etc..I am caressing her head, telling her I know its scary, we need to help her, I'm here for her, etc....
Just plain awful......and they didn't get it AGAIN!!! I couldn't believe it. Basically she was dehydrated so it was hard to do. They just moved on to the other arm, in her hand.....and finally got it in.  When they said all done, my girl told them in a little voice...thank you. After all that trauma and for her to say thank you because it was over.....oh, this poor child.

I laid in the bed with her while we waited for the fluids to go....and she snuggled right into me.....

THANKFULLY the fluids started working and her heart rate came back down....and after an hour or so we got to go home.
However, a few hours later when we got up that morning I ended up taking her right to the pediatricians office because she had started doing this strange twitch in her face--I was so worried something was going on AND her fever was back. Thankfully they said not to worry about twitch and plan was to see what cultures showed. We battled fever for next several days while waiting for results.

Long story short--the cultures were clear...it was a nasty nasty virus.

I can't tell you how stressful these past few weeks have been......first time in the ER (two of them), first IV, many days of fever, not much food, not much sleep.....Thankfully she has pretty much recovered.

My son....a few days ago he had his first trip to urgent care as well....he had a bite on his leg, no big deal...but the next day (this past Friday) it had grown very red and a ring around it. After calling the nurse line they suggested taking him in.  long story short there--mosquito bites that his skin reacted to.

What a rough go. These are times when being a single parent is beyond tough. Thankfully my babysitter kept my son, spent the night, etc.. but just having someone with me would have helped a lot. I called and texted my old babysitter from old city and she helped me navigate and decide what to do all throughout, etc.. I was thankful for that support.

First Birthday and More...

I really miss my laptop! I am typing on it now and the screen is so dang big, I love it. I have found that since I have a hand-held for work I spend a lot more time surfing on it and reading other blogs, but I don't log into my own....I miss it.

Lots of things happening since last post....we had a first birthday, went to a pumpkin patch, got family pics taken, changed nannies, and had another first.

FIRST BIRTHDAY
My big boy. He is now officially 1!  He is still a chunka munka. That's what I call him regularly. He's legs are still so squishable....just bought him some Fall clothes at 24 months. You know about those sizes, though, I think they undersize things just to make you feel like your kid is the biggest..."my baby already wears 24 months".....kind of a pride thing. It is for me, anyway :)

He's got 6 teeth--4 on top and 2 on bottom. I want to know when the rest are coming because I feel like he hasn't had a break from teething in sooo many months. He constantly chews his fingers and has been fussy on/off for weeks on end due to his teeth. The only thing that helps is motrin at night sometimes...otherwise he's up several times a night again and as early as 5:30-ish am. Where's the baby that went to bed at 6:45pm and didn't wake up until 7am?
He's crawling around faster than any baby I've seen....this kid can mooove. It's funny he crawls normally but when he gets to the hard floor he puts one foot down.....so it's like a crawl/step thing. Still not walking but he's standing on his own. He likes to lean back against things so he just stands and looks around. I can see he wants to inch forward but can't quite figure out how to do. Only a matter of time.
One of his favorite activities....body slamming. Seriously.  I lay on the floor often when playing with the kids and he crawls from anywhere he is to come over....he climbs up my side like he's going up a mountain (I suppose to him I am) and when he can lean his body against me he raises both arms above his head......then....WHACK!....slams himself and his arms down. I say OUCH, he laughs, crawls up again, arms as high as he can possibly reach....then WHACK! over and over......he LOVES this game. He's also into crawling on/over his sister on a regular basis. She'll be on the floor and he'll come and swipe at her, pull her hair, slime her with his drool, crawl on top of her.....seeing them play together....and laugh together, I love.
His personality is coming out....and he's such a ham. He's learned how to make a funny face. He started doing it in his highchair. He will lean his head back, stick his jaw to the side so his teeth cross over each other....and wait for you to laugh. My girl and I crack up so he keeps doing it over and over. It is so dang cute.  He still plays a lot independently. Often he will decide to crawl into the playroom by himself and start taking books off the shelf. Another thing he likes doing...books off the shelf, legos off the table, toys/books onto the floor. Running theme. He's also perfectly happy crawling into different rooms, finding something to manipulate in his hands...books one of his favorites right now....then when he's done he'll crawl back.
He's found the toilet. Enough said.
He's just now starting to eat some food other than formula or babyfood stage 2---he won't do stage 3 w/ the chunks, he just doesn't like it.  I've given him rusks, tiny tiny pieces of pears, grapes, banana, etc.. Nanny gave him green beans mushed the other day, but his tummy wasn't so fond of that one.

I don't know why but I am very slow to transition the kids into the next 'stage'/phase....for example, he's one year, I should switch to whole milk. But, I've still got him drinking formula and paying a ton since that stuff is not cheap. He should also be drinking more and more from a sippy cup. He has one, and the nanny is giving it to him, but I just don't very often.  I think a lot of it is we have our routines, we are all comfortable with them, so I stick w/ what I know works.  What's the rush, I say...?  Well, then it means you have a three year old still wearing diapers.

Anyway, unlike when my girl turned 1, we didn't have a big shindig.  My nanny was here, my sister was here, and the two little ones.  We had cake, icecream, opened presents.....it was just fine.  I think I realized after that parties can be stressful and I just wasn't up to getting a party together. I felt bad slightly because I DID have one for my girl. I know I know, they say they don't remember, etc......but I do. We still had fun and got some cute pics.

PUMPKIN PATCH....I was determined to get the picture-perfect pumpkin shot.  See for yourself how we did....

Looking to the right......

Looking down......

Oh Oh...I got one!

 Ah, forget it.....after 30 or so pictures....just wasn't going to happen. My sister was here when we went so we got a 'family' of pumpkins and bought the stickers that they had to decorate. I am soooo not into carving, markers, or any such mess. It was just enough and my girl and I had a fun time making the faces.

FAMILY PICS
I am hoping that we get them soon because w/ the deal we get 10 of the shots i.e the copy right to them. I hope I'll be able to make holiday cards and maybe post a few on here. It actually was the photographer that took my girl's newborn photos. We hadn't seen her since my girl was only a few weeks old and she couldn't get over how curly her hair is and how TALL my girl is. She has a 3 year old herself just a few months older than mine. I am a bit nervous we won't get a great family shot because she didn't move us to too many places--we were at an old plantation home outside....reminded me of our family photos right after my son was born--in our old city--and those were just okay. Nothing I would enlarge to a picture over the fireplace.
Anyway fingers crossed.....she is really really good.

NEW NANNY
Yup, I did it. I just finally got my mind around needing to make the change. I had mentioned that no situation is perfect. It's not. What I struggled with from the beginning is that my girl didn't take to her very well. When we were in the apartment (lots of change then) my girl wanted to stick close to home. Understandable. Over time I thought it would get better....and it did somewhat. But, even after we moved the nanny would say that when they went to the park she didn't want to swing, play, etc.. That was so unlike her. I still kept thinking we still had lots of changes.....so I was giving space. She did warm up more to her and would hug her, etc.. but I worried that she was spending too much time on her phone (she only watches p.b..s. kids) shows. It seemed every time I turned around she was on her phone in another room from the nanny and my son. I mentioned it several times but the nanny sort of downplayed it and said that she's not on it much, they play all day. My girl also didn't want her to fix her hair in the mornings....didn't want her to take her to the potty. I knew the nanny was taking good care of them, but you can't pay to bond them. She said from the beginning she loves babies....that was evident. She had my son glued to her hip most of the time, which was fine w/ me. But I think she struggled w/ the pre-school age, especially one that is as spirited as mine. The nanny would say she's never watched a child like mine. Said she was smart....independent...stubborn....speaks like a 5 year old....can be moody....yes, she is all those things. I truly believe she was intimated, somewhat because none of her 'tricks' really worked on my girl.
And then there was the other "stuff" like not being too receptive to any feedback, not being proactive with things around the house--simple things like my son's outfit was folded on a table. It stayed there for a week rather than say, hmm....let me just put that away. She was resistant to schedule changes i.e. I had to mention several times that going to the library with the kids for storytime would be a good idea. I had asked about the library back when we were in the apartment. She wasn't super fond of going to the grocery store once a week. She'd usually say, wow, that's a big list....or, it's up to you whether you think I should go. I made sure she knew up front that running a some errands was part of the job.
To her credit, she was very dependable, got here 5 min early every day. Also, I knew she would take good care of the kids....I didn't worry about that at all. It's just my girl needed more....and after agonizing over the decision for about a month (knowing she quit her other job to come work for us), I finally just decided that if I thought my girl would do better with the other one (the new-er weekend babysitter), than I owe it to her to do it.
Last weekend I texted the nanny and asked if she could come meet (ironically at the same place we had the interview). I told her I was planning to make a change and gave her my reasons why. I had practiced what I was going to say to her, how I would say it, etc...she listened, was understandably upset...but didn't get angry. I think she understood where I was coming from and didn't really know either why it was such a challenge w/ my girl. We met for about ten minutes and that was that. That was a tough thing to do. I haven't had to do that before.
So, we just made the change this past Monday....we had a first full week with the new one.  I've still got some worries....I think I may just always have them....since it's not me taking care of them full time. But, I have to say this past week my girl's demeanor was definitely improved. There was less fussy, less talking back, less stress.....she just seemed more calm. She really likes our new nanny.....I could tell that from how they interacted during the weekends. My son, I don't worry....he's so easy.
Time will tell and I just hope that things continue to go well and we've found someone we can work with for awhile.

FIRST HIGHCHAIR MESS
My son somehow reached the babyfood container from the table. And when I turned around this is what I saw. Someone was having a good time.

The Day I Prayed

I'm not even sure where to begin this story. I haven't written in 5 weeks it says. Yeah, guess I can understand why--my mind has been full, to say the least.

So several posts ago I mentioned that I was struggling w/ my eyes...it started back in January of this year where I noticed my eyes were straining more, sensitive to light, and blinking more. I figured well, makes sense, I just turned 40, and that's when things start going south. I just didn't let it bother me too much thinking it would go away when my eyes adjusted. It didn't.
Over the next several months I noticed it getting worse and I was rubbing my eyes more, a lot more strain and eye fatigue. I just started my new job in April and changed insurance so figured I should get them checked out by an ophthalmologist. He was kind of a jerk, took less than 2 minutes with me, and said I just needed reading glasses. Wasn't really interested in hearing more about how bothersome they were. Mind you I could read 20/20 in the office.
Shortly after that visit I noticed my eyelids "sticking" shut...I would blink and they would stay shut an extra second or two. I also felt like I had to lift my eyebrow to will them back open sometimes--like spasms in my eyelids.  As you can imagine, think about driving and your eyes want to close, and sometimes did w/ out you wanting them to. Scary stuff.  I started driving with my finger holding my eyelid open to make sure it wouldn't close. I noticed I was keeping my eyes closed more and more at work when I was walking because of the blinking/eye fatigue and would almost run into things. I also had to tell my coworkers and some of my clients that I was having eye issues and not winking at them.  Very scary stuff so I decided to call our company nurse line and ask what kind of Dr. I should see because it wasn't letting up. They suggested a neuro-ophthalmologist.
So, about a month ago I go see one in our big city medical center.....they ran a bunch of eye tests on me (tested peripheral vision, etc.) asked me if I had eye pain, numbness, tingling, loss of vision, blurred vision etc.. The only symptom I had was this eye "thing". No numbness, no loss of vision, etc.. just this. So, after all the testing the Dr. says she thought I had bl.eph.arospasm. It's a benign condition with an unknown cause and how it's treated is with bo.t.ox in your eyelids every 3-4 months.  She referred me to a specialist who handles many/many of these cases. I make an eye appointment with said Dr. and of course next appointment a few months out. I called regularly and was able to get in much sooner (about 2-3 weeks ago).

After all of the insurance rigamaroll to get these injections approved and all the medical records sent over, etc..I finally get in to see this Dr.  The nurse comes in and gets my history, says hang on Dr. in soon.
Doctor comes in and sits on his stool, reads me the chart of my history and I told him it all sounds right. He sits back and looks at me some more, making me sort of nervous, uh, why is he staring at me?
In less than two minutes he sits back and says:

I don't think you have bl.eph.arospas.m.

I think you have (insert debilitating disease here). I don't even want to type it, I shudder thinking about it.

My blood ran cold. I don't know if that's the feeling of true fear...but my breathing almost stopped, I had a rush of coolness quickly was over my entire body, all the way to the tips of my finger and toes. My stomach dropped to the bottom floor of the building. I just sat there. My mind quickly started envisioning crumpled people in wheelchairs and then I saw my children's faces.  I just started crying. Crying and crying. I couldn't really speak.
He put his hand on my leg and tried to comfort me and then asks if he could bring some people in the room.  I said sure. I thought maybe he was getting a second opinion from another Dr. Nope, he brings in his fellows and asks them to see how I am blinking....watch how it is NOT blep.haro.spasm.
At this point I just say I am the mother of two small children....crying....crying.
He says I need to get an M.RI done and said I should go back to the neuro-opthalmologist. His fellow later told me that when he was in the hall he was frustrated w/ the other doctor (who he's worked regularly with) because this was obviously neuro, he told them.
I was in a complete, stunned, panic.  I called my neuro's office asking to speak to my Dr. right away and of course I had to leave a message for her to return call. Then sat in the car parking lot sobbing and feeling sick.

When I drove home I just couldn't think straight, holding my eye open with my finger not just because of the eye issue......the tears. And what greeted me when I got home? A workman was leaving my house--I stopped him and asked what the issue was, assuming he was checking a meter or something. He said he was there to turn off my gas, no payments had been received. W..T...F. I have never in my history of owning houses ever not paid my bills. No gas equals no hot water.

I had to just pull it together and go through our nightly routine....finally got baths (still had remaining hot water), teeth brushed, stories, etc. done and while my daughter was watching her show, I was rocking my son in his room, his cheek against my chest while feeding him his bottle. I looked down into his beautiful, innocent, amazing face......The tears welled up and spilled over on to his face. My mind racing and my heart squeezing and aching with thoughts about what I would do....how will I manage. My independence defines my spirit....if that were slowly taken away from me.....dear God. What about my children?.....
And from somewhere deep in me a prayer came out.

I said Lord, give me strength.


It took a few days to actually speak to the Dr.--ridiculousness. But, when I finally spoke to her I said exactly what the Dr. told me and she said that how I presented would be a very atypical presentation for this disease, but let's get the MR.I done quickly and just go from there. A day later I have the test done. However, it was done on a Friday and I wouldn't be able to get results from the Dr. until Monday.

I'm not sure even how to describe the weight/armor I felt I had surrounding my body. Breathing seemed more difficult and I just couldn't focus on much. I realize this sounds dramatic but frankly it was.

After waiting all weekend I go into her office--they re-do all of the tests they did the first time. I start thinking...okay, if it's bad news why would they put me through the wringer w/ these additional tests....start getting hopeful. She had an actual Neurologist doing rotation w/ her so he came in first. He started going through my chart, going through the same types of questions before...no, no numbness, tingling, I can see just fine, no eye pain, etc.. Then he pulls out the MR.I and says it's.......
NORMAL.
Normal.
Dear any higher power out there.....thank you.

Then my mind starts racing....wait a minute.....why on EARTH would a Dr. who saw me for less than 5 minutes drop a complete bomb and say I had this debilitating disease only to have it not confirmed w/ an actual diagnostic test? Wouldn't a Dr. say, Hey patient, I'd like to get a few more tests done to rule out other things...why don't we schedule you for some additional testing?  I had been tirelessly researching the Inter.net about the disease and now shifted to, is there anything you can do legally to a Dr. who gives you wrong diagnosis....(not really). I forgot to mention that the Friday before I got the results the Dr.'s nurse called me and said I should check w/ my regular Dr. as well because it could be another disorder I should ask about.....ummmm....what? Why on earth wouldn't he have initially told me in his office he thought it could be this OR this....not, you have this, period.

Then I started getting mad. REALLY mad. So mad that I called the Dr's office who dropped the bomb and said I wanted to speak with him, and had to leave a message, of course.  He called me back that evening and I asked him if he had spoken to my neuro i.e. the clear MR.I. I wanted to know how he would explain giving me this diagnosis that the test doesn't back up. I was expecting him to say he was sorry, shouldn't have done that, whatever.....but he goes on to say, well, it may not have shown up in the test, but it could still be a clinical diagnosis.  I didn't even know what that meant other than he just put doubt back in my head when the other Dr. had just taken it out.  I looked up online what clinical diagnosis meant and it just means a diagnosis based on symptoms presented versus confirmation via diagnostic testing.
After that call I was so confused.

The next day I called my regular neuro-op back (just last week) because I wanted to understand how he could still be saying this....the Dr. didn't call me back but her nurse did and she said that the Dr. said it was unlikely, but that's why she had referred me to see a general neurologist. That would be the appropriate Dr. to do further testing, confirm, rule out, etc..

Of course that general neuro in one of the city's highly regarded institute's next available appointment--November 19th.  I called around trying to figure out if I should just go to a different institute/Dr. etc and for some reason wait times for a remotely recommended Dr. in this field is at least a month.
I decided I would rather wait for what is supposed to be an excellent Dr. than go to a fly by night one just because they have an opening sooner.

So here I sit. The office told me to call everyday for cancellations, which I have.

It's hard to fully describe in writing what an emotional turmoil this last month or so has been. One of the worst parts about all of this......right after I left the tough appointment....I couldn't think of anyone locally to call. There really isn't anyone who is involved in our daily lives (other than nanny) that I could say, hey, come on over...I need a shoulder. I felt very, very alone.  These are the things you pick up the phone and tell your mom....or husband. Someone who can be a rock for you....not just emotionally, but physically as well.

The trauma has subsided...I am trying to just focus on waiting for the next Dr. appointment and more testing, etc. I am not researching anymore because it just gets me anxious. I'd like to think that after all of this I may just have ble.pharospasm after all....or some other benign deal that is treatable and able to be helped somehow. It's interesting because some days are better than others and some days my eyes feel like they want to shut and "stick" that way half the day, with driving anytime and end of the day being the worst. If I am talking to someone I have to really concentrate to keep my eyes blinking somewhat 'normally' so it isn't so noticeable.

I have a lot to update on the kiddos---we had a first birthday! but think I'll just leave this post for now.

Enjoy them while they are young

It's time to take a step back from all the craziness (read stress) these last few months and focus on some of the things I love about my children.  I say yes to all the things people say about having kids...is it hard, yes, is it stressful, yes.....but how cool is it when they learn something new like rolling over...and share some of the same things you enjoy--like books and olives?
I read an article recently that for some reason made me sit back and say AHA....I get what they mean a little more about enjoy them when they are young. This lady was talking about several ways parenting older kids is harder than younger ones--eventually they outsmart you, they are even more expensive...but the one that made me reflect was--They don't want to be with you.  (Um, what do you mean they don't want to be w/ you? ) She said you are their center of universe for years and initially it's nice when they don't need you to carry them or lie next to them to fall asleep. Then you find yourself bribing them to spend time w/ you and eventually that won't work and they just want to be with their friends.  She says where was this kid who wants nothing to do w/ her now when she was army-crawling out of his room and holding his hand through the crib until he fell back asleep?
Something just clicked.....not just because that's exactly what I have done during night times, but I AM the center of their universe right now.  They WANT to be with me every second of the day (okay for the most part).  For some reason when I thought of it in those terms, my girl's crying fits or sassiness, or sourness just didn't seem as frustrating. There will come a time (gasp) that she/they don't want to be around me....let's not go there any time soon.

So in celebration of the great things.....

Just tonight:
"Mommy, I love you.  You are my best friend. Ever!" All while running over to me w/ her arms outstretched for a great big hug. I have no idea where she even heard of the term 'best friend'. But boy did it make me smile at the end of my long day today.

She is very creative in her get-ups. Bike helmet, sunglasses, and boots. What else could a girl need!

She is very attentive her brother. One of the first few times he was standing, picture was taken August 19th, she was helping and saying "Look at him, look at him!"

Can't get enough of these curls!!

She is very thoughtful.  When she is getting something out of the fridge she always wants to bring you one too.  She offers to share when she is eating....just tonight she wanted a cheese stick and as she's running to the fridge she says, "you want one too...I bring two!"  When she's eating popcorn she'll randomly reach over and hand me a kernel.  If I ever yell out if something hurt me she's always right there, "What happened, mommy?".  When we would go to the apartment pool she would always want to pick flowers for whoever was back at the apartment and bring them in.
Just such a sweetness in there.



And my son....what can I say? He is just so dang happy (when he's not teething, of course). And still chubby, still wants to snuggle and be held a lot. And makes me smile.

And, he said ma-ma intentionally not too long ago!!  I was putting him down to bed, he flipped himself right over and stood up in his crib...he was saying "maaaa....maaaaa....".as I was walking out. Awwww.

I just love them!!!

Suburbs

Nothing like going to a suburban bbq to make you feel like a single parent. I know I am one, but feeeling like it....yes, that's a different story.  

This past week our neighbor mom sent me a text and asked if we'd like to join them on saturday for a bbq. Sure thing....our girls are the same age, they seem really nice, so why not? I was a little hesitant because it started at 5:30pm. By that time both kids are fed and we are winding down to bath at 6pm.  I figured it shouldn't be that big of deal, we'll stay until 6:15 maybe. Earlier that day I went to the grocery store to bring some things to share....I said I'd bring veggies and dessert so I brought cucumber/carrots/watermelon/kid-size drumsticks, and an apple pie. Perhaps a little overboard. Didn't quite seem like it at the store, but as I was getting our bags ready to go over there I had two grocery bags in addition to the stroller, our backpack of stuff, extra outfits, bottles to be sure, etc.So. Much. Stuff. Just to get ready to walk out the door put me in a sweat.  Babygirl was in her swimgear because they were going to have a babypool out. Thankfully we could walk over...not right in our circle but close enough. 

So I thought it was just going to be them (mom, dad, 3 year old and 16 month old)....I shlep over there w/ my shorts/t-shirt, no make up, hairy legs, sweat rag resting on my shirt considering it is still about 90+ degrees.Well, as soon as we roll up an older gentleman introduces himself--it was the husbands parents. Then a little while later two more couples show up w their children. It was a full on party. And there I was about as frumpy as can be--had I known I would have showed up a little more presentable.

Cue feeling the single parent-dom.....when you have two children, and both are mobile.....good luck. My son wants to crawl a lot now...and frankly it was so hot that when he sat w/ me we stuck together. There was only grass and a hard patio....no real place to put him down so he could chew on some toys..he eats grass now. Had I known I would have brought at least a picnic blanket.  My girl jumped in the babypool which was great....but I was watching her, holding him, or trying to hold him, standing up the entire time....and S..W..E..A..T..I..N..G.  The mom w/ the 2 girls was walking around, pretty relaxed....and she is pregnant w/ her third...I couldn't figure out how she could be so chill.  Well, it took me 2.5 seconds after watching her and her husband that it became super clear....they tag-team.  He will watch the girls while she is inside cooking.....she'll come out and he'll set up the grill, she goes inside for more food and he'll walk over to the babypool. It was like a dance.  Not to mention his parents were there so they had a bunch of eyes and arms for the kids.

I don't really know them well enough for me to hand over my kids so there I was trying to do it all myself.  It was kind of crazy being around so many people and feeling somewhat alone. Now. I have to say the mom made me a plate of dinner while I was out watching my two, which was so nice. Just someone making me a plate of food made me feel like I could breathe for two seconds--while everyone else was relaxing in their patio chairs.

It was hard.  I tried to tell myself to relax, but honestly my stress level kept rising because dinner was getting later and later...my girl eats around 5-5:30...don't think we ate until 6:30, my son was starting to melt down because we normally have bath done and he's about to go into his crib at 6:45pm. The table was all hanging out eating dinner and I felt it would be rude to go right when everyone was eating, so I made do and threw some food down while holding my twisting, crying, sticky, and oh so tired boy.

In general I think the kids did wonderful for being totally off schedule and out in this heat. My girl really enjoyed the pool, no major meltdowns, and I found out she loves corn on the cob. My son did pretty well up until the end so I'm thankful they were just fine. Me, I felt exhausted, so hot like I'd never cool down, stressed out, and ready to just lie on the sofa in the coolness and vegetate. As much as I could, anyway, since our a/c is having problems and it doesn't seem to get below 80. Guy coming tomorrow to take a look.

It sounds like I had the worst time ever, which wasn't true.....I did get to talk a bit to some of the people and share some mom stuff.  It was just hard and a struggle at times w/ both by myself, I felt pretty darn single.

Perhaps it was just an emotional weekend. I just felt lonely....and that felt sad.  I miss not having friends around to just pop in and say hi...hang out w/ me and the kids. I have some friends here but they are pretty busy w/ their own lives and this a big city...not super-close distance-wise to most of them. The one I am close to distance wise, her kids are older and I usually go her way, not the other way around. Lot harder to do w/ two little ones. In a way it feels like starting over....even though I've lived here before I've never lived in the suburbs and we didn't come back to a nest waiting for us.  Finding new friends and social circles is just not easy...it takes emotional energy and time. I just wish we could find our niche faster.

I am proud of myself for being open to meeting the neighbors and going to their party. 

At least going to a bbq is a way to start......

It's happened....

My son is officially on the move.  He pulled himself to a stand for the first time yesterday on the bathtub.  He did the same thing tonight.....wobbly legs and all.
Then when I put him down after his bath he started to crawl and fell face first on the tile and now has a nice grout mark on his forehead.  Poor baby. Maybe he should stick to pulling himself up.

Someone had a birthday!!

My baby girl is 3. 3!!!!!

We had a nice little party at my friend's house.....no need to rent bouncy houses, go to chuck.e.chee.se's yet...no little friends to entertain. So we got to still do it mama-style: low-key, pizza, cake, and swimming in friend's backyard.  My girl had a great time as did most people, I think. I sweat most of it because I found myself constantly keeping my eyes on both of them, making sure they were ok, etc. I had even asked our babysitter to come so I would have dedicated help for my boy so I could focus on my girl and our friends. After a few hours babysitter took my son back home so he could nap and the rest of us opened more presents, then just a few of us went swimming. The pool was refreshing!

She looked cute as a button. I asked her what her favorite part about her birthday party was.....she said very quickly, CAKE!

I got her a bike for her birthday but the funny thing is, it is still in the garage not yet given to her. Why? Well, it's too dang hot to ride it and I wasn't sure on the size. I didn't want to get her all excited about it only to not be able to ride it. So, she had so many presents to open from our far away friends sending things in the mail and at the party, I just decided to hold on it. She will get it soon.

Latest thing she's been wondering about?: After bath the other night..."Mommy, will I go down drain?".
This kid's imagination.

We finally moved into our house the weekend before, so needless to say it's been a busy several weeks. Not to mention the triple digit temperatures. It's funny, everyone keeps asking me, so, do you feel better now that you are in the house?  The short answer is no.  Why? Because there are so many things still not done. We still don't have a stove cooktop, doorknobs, trim in several places, etc. We are here, but it isn't finished....and not yet like home. Boxes lined up in the front room. Contractor is set to do the punch list over next couple of weeks...It's an entire page long.

What I love about the house--the indoor colors I chose. My girl's room is a nice, soft lavender, my son's is a boy's blue, and mine is a soft greenish blueish grayish color. And the kitchen is a spicy red-orange color! No worries, the rest of the house is a calm beige color.My master bathroom is amazing. The custom vanity made by the carpenter is a great piece of work.
What I've been disappointed about: the floors. After all the agony on the stain, I have found that they scratch up way too easily. Beautiful, but not super functional. I've also learned I won't put hardwood in a kitchen again. That floor takes the most abuse and already there is a 3 ft scratch. The roof. I ended up choosing a dark/charcoal color rather than the standard grey that is everywhere. We put up three colors and none of them seemed to go w/ the brick color. Well....let's just say the black against the brick is...wow....dark. So, we changed the trim once because it clashed w/ the black roof....and now I think the trim is too dark too, so I may just buck up and pay to have it done again. I've been obsessing over trim color, no other way to put it.....and the new fridge is the noisiest thing ever.

I think when the list is done, boxes are put away, we have a table that fits in the kitchen, I can park in the garage again, etc.. I will feel a bit more settled. When we first spent the night over here the house felt so BIG compared to the apartment. I was worried I wouldn't hear the kids crying out at night. No worries, I can hear just fine :)

My son...he just turned 10 months old. And this kid is on the move!!!!!  He just started crawling for real. Like arms/legs all coordinated, moving across the floor crawling. I noticed he likes to pull himself up on his knees....the crib has teeth marks all along it now. He's got his two lower, one upper left and the upper right has finally poked through. Several rough nights and days w/ the teething. I just don't want him to lose his baby fat. I love it.  He finally got in for his 9 month appointment at over 10 months (had to switch Dr.'s offices since our first one wouldn't get him in until he was 11 months old--for his 9 month appointment)
....he weighs...24 1/2 pounds! My big boy.

See my tooth?!

I am proud of myself....last week one of our neighbors stopped by and said she had a 3 year old and a 16 month old. I was so happy to hear that. They don't live in our little circle, but close enough. So today we didn't have anything to do this afternoon so I walked w/ my girl and my son just to say HI and give them our number. She invited us in--I felt kind of bad because it was during their afternoon rest time, but we stayed just for 20 minutes maybe. Guess what? her husband and I work at the same company. Such a small world. She said she was expecting again....so she'll have her hands full. It was nice, though, because she used to work before kids, had both of them through IVF, and is 36. We have some things in common. And both our girls are TALL for their ages.  Was just nice talking to another mom--she went through the same thoughts about a bike for her girl and ended up getting her the bigger one too. I felt validated!
So, we'll see how it goes....maybe have some play dates, etc..

And, our nanny.....well I mentioned that no situation is perfect, and this has panned out to be true.  She's been with us a few months now and the hurdle we have is that my girl has not bonded to her much at all. As an example, some mornings my girl would rather watch her phone by herself than be out w/ the nanny.  The nanny is very firm and very structured, which I know is a different style than my girl is used to. I am just not sure what to do about it right now. It may just take more time.....the thing is, the nanny is super bonded w/ my son. She has said before she loves babies, etc..which I can tell. She has also said she hasn't watched a girl like mine before....very precocious, energetic, smart, and challenging. I think it makes her uncomfortable.
Some things are bothering me, some little, some not. When I come home I ask about the day, she says how perfect my son was and most of the time she says my girl had a good day.  I think it's mama bear coming out in me because I don't want my girl thinking her brother is perfect, and she's not.  Yes, I could tell her to not use that word, but I have found that she's also pretty resistant to feedback. As an example, I was trying to tell her that I didn't want my girl to eat pizza for lunch several times a week at the mall, but that going to the mall for exercise when it's this hot was still good. Well....I didn't get too much out when she snapped that they just wouldn't go to the mall then.  Ok, that's not what I was saying.  Sigh. I had to text her later what I was trying to tell her i.e. take some food and make a picnic there, go earlier so home by lunch time, etc.. but still go.
Funny enough our new weekend babysitter has turned out to be very connected to both kids. My daughter will easily allow me to stay in my room when she is here and not cry, try to get in my room, etc..and I can leave w/out much fuss. She is very energetic and does a lot of things w/ the kids....today I slept in and came out to see they were in the backyard in the babypools having a great time! I've not so gently asked her about whether she's thought of full time, etc. but she is wanting to build work history/money to buy a house and needs to stay where she is at until next year. I told her if anytime her situation changed to let me know.

I've said before, you can pay someone to take care of your kids, but you can't pay to bond them.

It's been super busy all the way around. I'm trying to make the last final push w/ the house and not lose my mind. I've been pretty whipped lately and just today I was feeling more tired than I have in awhile. It's understandable given all that's going on. I just keep telling myself soon....soon it will calm down :)

Young Mind

I am regularly amazed at what runs through my girl's mind...

BABYGIRL: You go work?
ME: Yes
BABYGIRL: What you do at work?
ME: I work on the computer and talk to people.
BABYGIRL: I like people.
ME: Me too.

What 2 3/4 year old wonders what their mama does at work? Maybe this is normal but it just took me by surprise that she's thinking about this and can articulate it.

BABYGIRL: I got teef. You got teef?
ME: Yes, I have big ones.
BABYGIRL: Where come from?
ME: Where do your teeth come from?
BABYGIRL: Yes.
ME: They grow from your gums.
BABYGIRL: Ok.

Again, this kid wonders about so many things and asks so many questions. She still asks a lot of why? why? and I still try to answer her.

I have to report...I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  We were having such stressful times during bath. Just crying and screaming and whining and splashing and just UGH!.  So, I decided after reading a bit more about SWC, strong willed children.....I tried to incorporate some tips I learned...like giving choices frequently. Much more to write on this topic, but these kids need to feel like their voice is important. So, I started asking her....okay, it's time to get your hair wet, do you want to get it wet on this side of the tub, or that one? Believe it or not, it works (mostly)! She picks a side and then doesn't throw a fit when we need to get her hair wet.  The other thing I've done is I tell her she can earn a treat for after bath....and if she has no fussies, tantrums, listens to mama, etc.. she can have whatever she chooses.  Now, I've had to modify this because I tell her she can "earn" her treat. Well, if she does have a fussy or no listening I had to figure a way to let her do that, but still keep her on track. So, I figured out a plan that is....her treat is 3. 3 scoops, 3 pieces of candy, 3 whatever.  I then take one scoop away if she misbehaves. It's hilarious because she caught onto this really quickly....shortly after starting this new thing this week, if she misbehaves she looks right at me and says, "how many?" i.e. how many do I have left.  Isn't that great?! I haven't had to take 3 of anything away and she's taken to this really well. Part of me worries about using treats as a way to help her behave better during bath, but honestly our bath time is so much more pleasant and we even had FUN last night....we both laughed at the funny noises she was making when I rubbed my hand over her face when I cleaning it....it really was so nice. So, I'm sticking w/it for now.


We are getting ready to move next weekend. I was scheduled to move today, but I just couldn't see making it happen. There are so many things needing to be done at the house and frankly, I just wasn't ready.

So much to do still.

And I can't write w/out mentioning my son.....this big boy can SIT UP BY HIMSELF! now. Oh my little guy. My squishy mushy lovey guy....I went into his room this morning after he started to fuss and I usually just feel around because we have black out shades in there. I started to touch the mattress, then found him, and my hand kept moving up, and up, and up.....he was sitting up that turkey!  Next item on the list....move the crib mattress down. His nanny today found him holding on to the side rails and she got so nervous and said I needed move it down tonight. Can't find the little tool to take bed apart, so will have to do that tomorrow.
Don't get me started on our 'new' pediatrician's office. He is 9 months old so I called to get his 9 month check up. They said they could book us for September. Uh, what?? It's July. By Sept he'd be 11 months old.  She said this is their busy season and they book 4-6 weeks out. How in the heck was I supposed to know that. So, I tried to negotiate w/ her that I was new, etc. and she wouldn't budge. So I asked to speak to a nurse. Nurse said he's not due vaccinations so we could wait...earliest she could find was now August 31st. Seriously. What good does a 9 month appointment do when he's almost a year old!!
We will be finding a new pediatrician's office asap...I can't see staying with a group that is this inflexible. But, I still need to try again to get him in there for this appointment because it takes so long as a new patient to get 'established' elsewhere. Who knew it would be like this....in the suburbs.

Well Look-ey here....

It won't be long now.  He did this for the first time yesterday, and my first pic of it today.

I can not get enough of those squishy wishy legs....!

First Word(s)

A highlight....my son said his first two words.  The nanny had been practice talking w/ him, but I still was completely amazed when he looked right at me on and said GA-GA. I said it back to him, and he said it again!!  It was intentional, so I am calling it.
Now we "talk".  GA-GA's back and forth. And big smiles.

He also said MA-MA....maybe more unintentional, but I still clearly heard it several times.

There is nothing better than a baby voice saying MA-MA.......ahhhhhhhhh.

P.S Yesterday had to be a fluke w/ my girl because we had one of the most wonderful days today. Very few fussies, tantrums, sassiness, etc.. We spent a ton of quality time together and I got soooo many snuggles and "I just wuv you mommy".....now THAT's a way to end a weekend.

It's been one of those days

I have to say this is the toughest day I've had in quite a while w/ my girl.  I have no idea what happened or why it turned out so crummy. Maybe just a change in routine....we had a new 'old' babysitter come that used to babysit my girl before we moved. It was when she was 17 months old when we saw her last. She is soooo good w/ kids and I have no worries about leaving her with them.

Anyway, babysitter came at 8am, babygirl was just fine. Talking, showing her the blocks, etc.. She was doing so well that I said I was going to nap--and no fussing or crying. Amazing.  I took a nap, ran some errands then came back around 1pm.

Cue downhill......it quickly turned from here.  My son was napping so I said why don't we get out the big paper and jumbo crayons and draw some pictures on the floor. I got an enthusiastic YES!  Once we were down coloring she starts smashing the crayons on the paper. I tried to ignore, then redirect her to the alphabet we were doing....she then starts trying to chew the paper. Chew the paper!  Of course I said no, we aren't going to chew the paper. I told her twice...then on the third time I said nope, we are done. She starts wailing, but I held firm.

But, after that....just forget it. It went downhill from then on until the rest of the day, pretty much.  I just didn't know how to handle her behavior....it was all the attention-seeking stuff like kicking me, trying to hit me, spitting, throwing things, yelling NO to everything I asked....here's what I tried to do:
--stay calm. I asked her what was the matter, what was wrong?
--I start asking direct questions: Are you hungry? No.  Are you thirsty? No. Do you feel ok?. Then, can I get you a snack? Do you want X, Y, Z? No, No, No.
--Then I tried redirection....okay, baby do you want to do playdo?No......do you want to do aqua..do.odle?No.
---Interrupt for a kicking fit. I move her legs out of the way and she kicks harder. I said we do not kick mommy. She then raises her hand like she is going to hit me.....this is where my frustration starts kicking in. This is sooo not okay. When I said we do not hit mommy, she stares me straight in the face and hits herself on the arm.
--After awhile more of this, I tried just removing myself from the room.  I just thought okay, I am starting to get worked up here, so go in my room for a few minutes. She spent the entire time wailing, yelling mommay...all while her brother still trying to take a nap.
--I tried removing HER....at one point I took her into my room and let her be in there by herself. Didn't help to calm her down.
--More negative behavior, repeat several steps above. Absolutely nothing I was doing was working.
--I then start to yell. Get really short w/ her.
--I threaten.
--Not proud of my behavior what-so-ever. I totally lost my cool. I usually go red when she does something to hurt me, intentionally.
--Eventually I cried.  This might be one of the first times I've cried out of frustration with her (at least that I can immediately remember). Here we were playing 'tent' underneath my bed covers, she's snuggled close to me, and the tears just rolled.
--I apologized to her and said I was sorry I got frustrated. Mama just didn't know what to do for her. Mama got upset because she was doing things like hitting and kicking and throwing things. She said it was ok, it was an accident.  HA....that's what I tell her when she does something by accident and says she's sorry...like spilling milk. I say, it's okay, you don't have to say you're sorry...it was an accident.
--When her brother woke up I said okay, let's try distract again and I blew up an airmattress that she likes to use as a slide. That worked okay until I wanted to go to the other room. That just wound her up again cue the meltdown, I want you in here, "Now".....
--I said forget it, let's get out of the house, maybe that will help....let's go to the pool. Get slathered w/ sunscreen, haul us all over there and I made the mistake of allowing her to bring her tiny scooter that she's really too big to ride, but she likes it.  Anyway she wanted to bring IT in the pool. I figured who cares, go ahead.....but she realized it didn't float and it was hard to push in in the water....wailed about that.  She calmed down here and there, but spent a lot of time saying, "no, let me go"...."no..."
When it was time to get out I had already gotten baby boy ready, picked up our stuff.....she was still in the water and I said okay, time to go....she says "No, NEVER!".  I said we don't say things like that, it was time to go. "No, NEVER!" again. And loudly. Talk about feeling like a parenting failure.  My almost 3 year old backtalking me like it was totally ok. I ended up just starting to walk and she quickly scampered behind, getting back on her scooter.
Then it gets to be near dinner time, says she wants mac/cheese....then no, just noodles., etc.. Ended up making eggs and she did pretty well eating them.

Here's where I feel worse......

--After dinner we were in my son's room, she was jumping on the bed, she wanted to play catch, etc.. so fine. She was starting to get sassy w/ me again and it just slipped out but I said, "boy I can't wait until you go to bed, you have been nasty to me all day".  She stops jumping for a sec, looks at me and says,

"Mommy, you be patient to me?"

POW.  I literally just stopped and just sat there.  The answer of course was no, I hadn't been at all.
I responded and said "yes baby, you are right. I need to be more patient with you".

By this time I frankly was exhausted. I was tired, frustrated, and upset at myself for losing my cool throughout the day. I honestly yelled more and lost my temper more today, I think, then in all my parenting days.

Bathtime was a cry-fest with both of them. My son doesn't like to be taken out of the tub and screams mostly until I get his jammies on. My girl didn't want her hair washed, her bubbles to go down the drain..."My bubbles! No, my bubbles!". Cried because of putting her jammies on. " Not my jammes!"...NO!, I don wan my hair combed...Nooooo......crawls under the bed while trying to get her diaper on.

I finally get my son his bottle, he's in bed. My girl finished her milk and she's in bed.
And now I am typing out this summary of our pretty rough day.

I just don't know what happened. Maybe the change in routine? Maybe she was just tired and I was tired too? Maybe she's starting to get sick?  I knew she wanted my 1:1 attention and I was trying dang hard to give it to her. It seemed she was aiming for it whether positive or negative.
Right before typing this note I researched online 'backtalking' because that's what I have the most trouble with. When she fires a NO quickly after being asked anything....or her HEY!.....that pushes my buttons. Her trying to hit, kick, etc...of course that does too.  I don't know. I know there are no easy answers in parenting, every kid is different...yadda yadda....I really don't want to be one of 'those' parents that don't discipline....or discipline too much. I know she is a very intuitive child and she clearly knows how far she can push mama.  I read an article earlier about what to do when your pre-schooler 'backtalks'. I felt good in that some of the things I do already....and some I thought was ridiculous advice...but then I read all the comments and felt comforted in a way, because I'm not the only one. There are many many other kids out there where parents struggle w/ how to manage.

All I can do is chalk it up to a frustrating day and hope tomorrow is better.