Trip

Sunflower I sincerely appreciate your comments on last post--complete light bulb. Yes, my son was tested for talented and gifted in kinder and was only 1 of 2 kids out of 120+ that tested in at that age. Ironically, I seem to research everything and haven't researched at all about talented and gifted kids even though I have one. I honestly never put two and two together and you are totally right. As you listed out the things your daughter struggles with that align w/ my son, I just never thought about it. And now that I know, I need to start learning more and see how I can better help him at school. The 'challenge' program is what they call it at school, but I'm a bit underwhelmed with it. In kinder he went on Fridays for a few hours. Then last year, it's still only one day a week and supposed to be an all day pull out program, but it only ended up being 4 hours/Friday.  This upcoming year, not sure yet.  It's also ironic that he is me....as a boy. It should have dawned on me because I have a similar personality and had some of the same struggles he does. He looks like me, he's sensitive like me, he loves his mama, he's smart, he's competitive, he's athletic. We do get along really well, it's just natural because we like the same things. My mom had to advocate for me way back when because in rural country in the midwest we didn't even have a talented and gifted program...my mom helped make one! I taught myself how to read at like 4 maybe? Green eggs and ham. I took the book, climbed up on my mom's lap and read it. She told me this story over and over because she thought I had just memorized it. So, she picked out different words and I knew them.  My son learned to read the same way...one day he literally just started reading. All that to say, very helpful in figuring out where next to look for ideas, info, support, etc.. Also, funny you thought lawyer as my Dad told me from a very young age I'd make a very good one:)

The kids were at Amy's in New Orleans from Sunday last week until Saturday yesterday I picked up my son 1/2 way. The kids (well my son started the conversation) about just wanting to take a trip...which I totally understood. They had been mostly together for 2 months. I'd want a change of scenery too. So last weekend I drove both of them 1/2 way, Amy picked them up, and I drove back home to the really quiet house.  In theory, it sounded wonderful. It's been a rough summer, so to not have to cook for anyone, worry about bedtime, brushing teeth, wearing clean clothes, getting snacks, what activity.....all that, I could just put aside and just focus on me.

It wasn't fun. 

At all.

It started with just trying to drive away after meeting up....I was crying so hard and could not stop. Of course the kids were like mama it's ok!, which I know, but I was still just sad to drive away from them. I cried for about 1/2 hour on the way home. Then, my anxiety with them gone was through the roof. I was not relaxed, I didn't sleep well, I worried constantly about something happening to them, the dog over there is still awful and of course scratched my son a few times. One night I literally didn't sleep at all....I finally got tired around 4am, laid on the couch and closed my eyes....then heard some noise, eyes wide open, scaring feelings, etc..so I ended up getting up and starting work at 5am. I just couldn't do it anymore. I have no idea why it was this tough, but it just was.

Thankfully, they had a good week but my son was missing mama after a few days...I was hopeful they would stay a week and maybe even almost a second (even though it was hard for me), and then come back with Amy because she was coming back to visit anyway, so that would cut out a round trip drive, but by the end of this past week, my son was just ready...he'd had enough of being gone, and being with his sister. He wanted a break. Plan was to go and pick just him up and let my girl stay longer so she could have a break too and my son could get some alone time with just mom.

So, yesterday I drove out 1/2 way (about 3 hours) and met up with the kids. As I drove into the parking lot both kids were by the car, standing there waving with these big smiles on their faces....my heart started welling up! I parked and then my son ran over to me, and even my girl we hugged and hugged and hugged. It just felt so good to have them back in my presence, I could touch them....they were ok. We ended up just sitting together, eating lunch....and my girl let me even hug her in public (big deal). She even wanted to sit next to me at lunch since she wasn't coming back with us.

All was fine until we started transferring the stuff from their car to mine and my girl started to get a little sad. I could see it in her face....I asked if she was ok and she said no, she kinda wished she could come home with us. I was really surprised to hear that....all along I thought she really didn't miss home/me that much and could care less about being away. So,  I talked through with her how she was feeling......and her little lip started quivering and she started to get these big crocodile tears. Oh my did my heart melt for her...no mama wants to see their child sad. I told her maybe she just wasn't ready to be away by herself and it's ok, she could come home. She seemed so relieved and then she went and got her few things (they hadn't packed her stuff) and we were all in my car figuring out the plan to get her stuff, etc.. and I asked if it was ok w/ my son. Well, as you can imagine, he had already planned to have his own time w/ mom.  My girl then said she was not wanting to let Amy down, but was torn because she wanted to go, and wanted to stay at the same time. I explained how when we get sad, it's hard to make decisions....and that was ok. Poor kid she just kept saying she didn't know what to do. I told her honey, it's totally ok to go, and it's totally ok to stay, I'm ok either way.....then she started thinking more and decided maybe she would go back for another several days because she wanted to play with the dog, go play with the few little kids around, etc..That's the other thing, I don't usually see her indecisive. Once she makes up her mind, she's done, and usually that's it.  After some time, she finally decided she would go back w/ Amy.  Once she got back in the other car and we were all ready to leave again, there I go crying....just the thought of her driving away...not with me, it's just got me sad. I know it didn't help the situation. I walked over to the car one more time to make sure she was ok and of course as I was crying, she was crying.  I told her mama was going to be ok.  My biggest thing was, because she was so upset, I wanted to make sure she was doing what she really wanted to do, and not what she thought others wanted her to do. And she said more firmly, she was ok and she would go back. I felt better then.

All this time I truly didn't think she missed me, or cared that she wasn't home. She can be so aloof at times, that's hard to really know how she's feeling. So to see how sad she got....to see how much she was conflicted about staying or going....to see how much she missed me, to see how much she cried, and to see her get so emotional, I wasn't prepared for all that.

Turns out, it wasn't just me.....

As my son and I were watching them driving away it got really quiet in the back seat....I asked son, are you ok?....silence.  I just reached back and handed him a tissue.  Turns out, someone else was sad to see his sister go too.

After all those tears and emotions, we were just spent.....so headed back home and once we got here I truly expected things to be easier...one kid, c'mon....the kid who usually listens and behaves. Sounds so easy, right? Surprise....my son has been a complete bear since coming home. He was exhausted last night and oh so grumpy just being here, getting ready for bed, being extra fussy. I thought ok, he's tired, tomorrow will be better. Today, not so much.....we ended up needing go buy him some school clothes and that's one thing he just can't stand, shopping. But with school around the corner and it was just him and I, it made sense. He grumped and grumbled and groaned the entire time. At one point he just laid on the floor at the store and closed his eyes. He was over it. Dude, mama doesn't like shopping either, but you need new clothes for school. I don't want to buy a bunch of things, just to return them when they don't fit. It was like pulling teeth. Even when we got home he's been a bit sarcastic and grouchy. SO not what I expected. I even tried to have him help me stretch, which normally is not an issue and which both kids do from time to time, and he just kept getting frustrated like he thought he wasn't doing it right? Who knows.....

So, early this evening I ended up telling him fine, go get some uno cards and we can play a few games. I happened to be laying on the living room floor at the time. He found the cards and then said, 'Fine. Let's Play. Get up you Big Chubb'.  (apparently that's from some game or something I've heard the kids call each other that before)......and it just struck me funny. I howled laughing, which got him laughing.....and kind of lifted him out of his terrible mood.  Then, after we played a few games I told him about yahtzee and we actually found our game and I showed him how to play for the first time. Math and competition.....two things he loves.  And yes, he loved it.  He begged to play more games, but I held the line.....grumpy needed to get some sleep.

And here I sit...thinking about my hour long commute tomorrow, hoping I get some good sleep, being a bit disappointed in that the lead for Fall babysitter didn't respond, the rental house is sloooowly getting finished and already reached out to contractors on a few things, reached out to another contractor to get moving on the 'make ready' in the apartment, got my son scheduled for Fall soccer, he decided no flag football, I reached out to my son's friends to find him a place to go Tuesday afternoon so babysitter doesn't need to come at all that day since I work from home, talked to the assistant principal about my girl and how we can support her at school this year....agreed we would do some testing to see if she needs any services at the start of the school year, preparing for a consult to have another tooth removed and implant....crazy enough I had the healing screw in the last implant for 6 months so I could start my new insurance, but it's been totally ridiculous to finish it up at my current dentist office....dentist couldn't get the new one in, came back a second time with nitrous oxide (did not like at all) and he got it it, but the finished crown didn't fit, so they had to send that back and put on a temporary....then the temporary wasn't made correctly with a sharp edge that cut my cheek and created a huge ulcer in my mouth....I've literally been to the dentist 4 TIMES and 5 hours to finalize the implant crown....and it's still not done!! ( 1) for mold (1 hour) 2) couldn't get abutment screw in (1 hour) 3) got screw in but then crown was screwed up (2 hours) 4) temporary crown not right (1 hour) 5) eventually new crown put back in.) So frustrating....total tangent, but I've literally spent so much time doing this that I hesitate wanting to do this all over again with another tooth.

If I think about what I do day in and day out, it's no wonder I'm tired!!  There is a lot to juggle with summer, upcoming school, doctors (my son is now doing allergy shots and we are fighting w/ insurance about that too), work, landlord stuff, school shopping, my own stuff.

I'm just going to sign off now, relax, and have some melatonin before bed. It really does help to relax and fall asleep. Not as much to stay asleep, but some improvement better than none.

My daughter's first meal she actually cooked by herself--she learned how to make a fried egg, and cooked her own pancake. I could not be more proud of her. She really has a knack for cooking and baking, and she really enjoys it. Our neighbor loves cooking and has allowed her to help make crepes. I think that built her confidence and how she wants to try more things. So exciting! Another thing our neighbor showed her is making her own ramen noodles...they gave us this fancy counter top water kettle you just plug in, pour water over noodles, and walah, soup. Have you ever read the back of ramen for ingredients? I recommend you don't.

Summer 2022

Here we are mid, already starting towards end of summer. The kids go back to school August 17. We also have some birthdays coming right around the corner. This year 8 and 10. Nuts. Once again I planned to write several times now but just didn't do it. Lots of thoughts about things I wanted to say and capture and 2 whole months has gone by.

Some highlights are that we hired a babysitter Jenny who is home from college. It's been working out just fine. She's very dependable and she's keeping them safe. We had a bit of a hiccup in that she forgot to mention she is taking summer school and would need to be on her computer from 10-12 every day, which kind of threw a kink in having a morning and afternoon activity, but we've made it work. Her schedule is to come M, W, TH from 6:45-6:00 to allow me time to get to work, and work, then get home. So the other days we shorten it...TUE, FRI I work from home so she comes at 12:30 after her class. I was hopeful she'd be able to proactively keep the kids occupied, figure out where to take them, etc. but she needed more guidance and direction. If I told her what to do/when it worked out better. She's helpful with errands and some grocery shopping so its fine.  Where we've struggled is my girl hasn't had the best summer. She's had a lot of high irritability, and with that comes some challenging behavior. The babysitter isn't really equipped to handle her "fussies" as we call them, so there have been a few days where she's had to call me to intervene.  My girl also realized quickly that the babysitter wasn't super firm, so she would test her often and see what she could get away with.  I wish I could say things have improved significantly, but no....it's been tough. I am working with her current Dr., a children's hospital dr., and the hope of referrals with the hospital network.  Nothing is fast, there is not a sense of urgency from anyone. Meanwhile, we wait and try adjusting things and I learn more about different ways to manage to see what helps and doesn't.They've still had fun, I think, doing a variety of things like swimming pools, bowling, put put golf, bike riding, chucky cheeses, library, bouncy places, rope climbing places, etc.. About a month left to go.

I already started preparing for the new year the Fall. I actually explored private schools, just online, this summer because this past year for my son was really just bad. He was in a classroom with at least 5 behavioral issues and a teacher who was new to teaching first grade, and won't be doing it again after this year. He just was unhappy most of this year.....he'd come home, slam his bag down, stomp around. A few times he said he hated school. It broke my heart to see how frustrated he was a lot of the time. I did reach out on several occasions whether it be trying to get with the teacher to see how she could help him flex and give him more challenging work....or to find out why so and so was pinching or hitting him, etc.. My son is not a small kid, nor is he not willing to fight back. It's just that he doesn't like conflict so he'll make the peace, then stew about it. He also really struggled w/ kids not following rules. At school he is very much a 'by the book' kind of kid, so when others were acting crazy, he just couldn't understand why. Also, his teacher would hold the whole class from doing x y z until everyone behaved and a) I completely disagree with that model and b) drove my son batty.

So, I wrote a lengthy email to the principal about a month ago sharing some of my concerns about the academics and the class structure. I asked if she'd be open to a conversation and she was.  She seemed very open to hearing the feedback and did acknowledge there were many issues in his last years' classroom. She said that he is assigned to a 'seasoned' teacher this upcoming year and thinks it will be a much better fit. The teacher has experience working with kids who need some extra challenge.  I have to trust what she says.  I also know that I will escalate faster and higher if I see that he's having some of the same issues. I feel like early years of school should be great! He's been not super happy in kinder and first.

We've had a lot of talks as a family lately.  My son is developing in his communication and has been vocal about some things he's been struggling with.....he feels like his sister is taking away from his quality time with mom. He said I spend a lot of time dealing with her "fussies" and while I'm doing that, he's in my room until it's calm again. So, he's right, actually. He said he wants to spend more time with just me, and I am working to make that happen. Last week we had 'special' day. I told him I'd be open to whatever he wanted and he chose mcdonalds for lunch (his favorite), i let him get a soda which I rarely do--and diet coke at that which is like a never because of well...it's just not healthy. Another night after his sister when to sleep I snuck in his room and said hey, c'mere. He was so surprised and so happy that I allowed him to come back out and watch wheel of fortune..late! It really was nice to have calm, rock together, and watch a show I've loved since I was a kid--I'm creating a new generation of love for it. I think I let him stay up until 10pm. He loved it so much he came out of his room the following night and asked for more special time.  After 3 nights of it and having an awfully fussy day on the 4th, I reeled it back in.

It's a challenge I haven't figure out how exactly to manage.....I do feel like my son has had to deal with a lot for a 7 year old, and there are times it doesn't seem fair.  On the otherhand, he has completely shocked me with how tender and loving he can be in tough situations..towards me and his sister. As an example, last night was a rough night and after his sister calmed down she wanted to just be with her brother and lay her head in his lap. He allowed her to come, made a little pillow for her with his blanket, and was gently caressing her hair as he spoke to her. He told her how much he loved her and that he knows it's hard for her....and it's ok, he understands her brain works differently. like....bestill my heart. Such a gentle, old soul he is at only 7.  There's a part of me that feels like it's too much for him to comfort her, but the bigger part of me says that he feels helpful and can actually do something when things are tough. I ask him if he's okay and is he comfortable helping and he shakes his head yes.

He's also very much worried about his mama.....this feels very similar to how I felt when I grew up about my mom. I worried if she was upset with me, worried about something happening to her, etc. I didn't realize at the time that that's what anxiety is. I do see glimpses of that w/ my son. He is very much in tune with my emotions and any different tone or look he'll ask, 'are you mad at me?' 'are you sad'?. He'll say often that he's sorry that I have to deal with so much. I try to explain to him that as a mama, that's what I do. It's ok.....but he's smart enough to see that yes, sometimes I lose my temper. Sometimes I cry from frustration, sometimes I shout. So he knows it's hard. I am proud of him for how's he's communicating--he told me it really bothers him when I get upset. I thanked him for sharing that with me and tell him I'm trying my best to manage and Mom's not perfect and I know I make mistakes. I think that's what I try to really do with him is allow him space to communicate, share his emotions in safe space. He's built up a lot of anger....one of the ways he works through that now is he'll write on a piece of paper when he's mad.  He'll bring a paper that may have 20 F bombs on it, but I tell him how proud I am that he's letting his feelings out. I do think therapy would help him....all of us really. It's been nothing short of impossible to find a great therapist. It's been such a challenge. Now, he's got his own set of issues, but parenting him is much easier. He only takes one warning and he'll do what he's supposed to. He actually tells on himself when he's done something because I think it eats at him i.e. mom, I took the ipad in my room. Here you go. He has had some bright spots recently....he learned how to fart with his armpit.

I deeply love my son and I can see how sensitive he is. Interestingly enough, he does not care for my sister. And she struggles with him.....she doesn't realize how her tone comes across, and he internalizes it and thinks she's mad at him. That's a whole nother conversation I don't have the energy for this minute.

Speaking of energy, I've been back to work for 2 months now. The commute is at least an hour each way.....longer than I've had probably ever. So that's not fun....I've gotten to know the people I work with and found out that the woman I started with same day is also a single mom by choice. Her son is 3 about to turn 4 and she's in her 40's. What's crazy is she's the first person who's chosen the same path I did that I've gotten to know more than casually. It's been great.  What I'm learning too is I like using my brain again, I like the comradery....I'm not loving that the HR function is a lot further behind than I even expected. It makes me realize that I have worked in some pretty progressive HR functions and have a ton of good experience. Not sure I've even said on this blog what I do for a living! I do also enjoy getting a regular paycheck again. Feels good.

My next step is to start looking for a Fall kidsitter....since I work from home 2 days a week I'll need someone to come in the mornings and afterschool the other 3 days.  Unfortunately with the long commute I won't be able to drop off at school those 3 days...school start time has changed to 8:10 in the fall instead of 7:55am. So, with drop off at say 7:45, I wouldn't get to office until 8:45-9:00, work the day and leave at 6:00pm, not home until 7:00pm....that just doesn't work for me and our family. I'll figure it out....I always do. 

It's been triple digit actual temperatures as well as 'feels like' temperatures here in the South and oh man...it's miserable. Too hot to even be outside unless your swimming....and even then, the pool is like a bathtub. Can't wait for the Fall weather to roll in...maybe September. That's actually ok because I never made it a priority to take down our christmas tree so yup, it's already up ready to be decorated again in a few months. I'm also working on figuring out what sport or activity the kids want to get into, when the sign ups are--right now for many things. I actually have to plan which is not my strong suit. Im also finishing up repainting and updating my rental house with the garage apartment. Sounds simple, but I've been working on it w/ my slow contractor for 2 months. We are in the final stretch, which is good, because garage tenant is moving out and I'll need to relist. Also, the house tenant said he wants out of his lease, which I'm not too upset about because on both rentals I can now raise the rent!

Sunflower I appreciate your comment on my last post. I do read your blog and keep up with your family. Your girl is similar in age to mine and we are going through similar growth 'things' like first bras, etc. I could totally relate to your post.They are really becoming young ladies, aren't they.