Happy Early Thanksgiving and Shopping Lessons

I tried to put a positive spin on the title because I am nervous as can be about traveling tomorrow. We are flying to see some great friends this year instead of family (no regrets about that) and I can't believe how anxious I am....will she be able to sit, will she melt down, will I sweat like crazy, how long will the lines be, are the clothes I got her warm enough.....the list goes on and on.  We at least are flying during her close to normal nap time, so I am praying she gets some sleep....for me and her. And wouldn't you know, she has another cold. Worried about it.....as she was just getting over another one. One thing I did actually plan in advance was an activity bag--books, coloring, slinky, stickers, snacks, etc..

I think the other part of the anxiety is self-inflicted. I waited too long to go shopping for her and I for the trip.  My girl had no fall/winter clothes to speak of, or any outerwear. She had some play things that a friend gave us, but I had not shopped for her since she was born (aside from one outfit) and she is 15 months old. I am grateful for all of the outfits and clothing we received as presents, so when it occurred to me that her closet was dwindling way too much I realized that it was time--only a few days before our trip.  In all honesty, last week was tough w/ recovering from egg retrieval, so in fairness, I did know I needed to shop and went to a few consignment stores....but everything I bought was too big or I bought it because it was cheap, not because I really liked it.

Mama does not like shopping for herself, but found it a bit more fun for baby. And a girl at that! But, I realized I am super picky about what I will buy for her....and of course, I will be a bargain shopper forever....was ingrained in us.....we would see something on the rack...first question..."Is it on sale?"

I got stuck in trying to buy her a winter coat. I live in the south and the inventory was terrible since we've had a really cold spell, AND I found that sizing is a mess. A 2T was smaller than an 18mo. So I bought 3 coats, 2 didn't fit at all, and one is okay, but I didn't like the pattern--it was my backup coat, but will be the coat we take since we just ran out of time.
I also got her some really cute outfits w/ long sleeves, sweaters, etc..I got everything on different sales. She also needed socks, hats, mittens, tights, bigger jammies, etc.....

Shoes is a whole 'nother issue.......I thought I had done my duty by measuring her feet w/ a ruler. Well, wouldn't you know in the stores, their special shoe measuring thingies are not in inches. I pretty rude sales lady today clearly showed me that. Whatever.....I was obsessed w/ getting her some boots and a cute pair of shoes (since the shoes she's been playing in for awhile are just too ratty and her toes are at the end).  I haven't decided if I am into the "must buy podiatrist recommended brands" or just some cheaper ones.  I know how my feet feel when I have good shoes versus not, but her feet grow fast, etc etc.....
Anyway, I found these supercute ones in the mall but they were pretty expensive--the "recommended ones", and said I would buy two sizes, well they only had one and I said whatever I buy it.  come to find out after trying the shoes on her tonight, she could have used the next size. Expensive shoes that won't last that long???? Oy what's a mama to do.......I seriously stressed about this for a few hours. I even thought about running back out (my friend was over) to the store that had the right size.......But, after realizing our trip is tomorrow, I decided I didn't need to stress about getting her another pair of shoes before going to the airport....I gave in. We are keeping the good, expensive shoes that still give her room to grow, but could be better w/ the next size.

I won't bore you w/ the details of my baby girl screaming and wiggling as I tried every single piece of clothing and shoes on her over the last few days, and the few days last week.

Lessons learned: don't wait until the last minute, having your child with you may be tough, but trying on clothes/shoes so you don't have to take a bunch of things back would have been helpful, realize all of your shower and friend gifts will run out and you actually have to do something about it.

I finally got my embryo report today......good news, I think......of the 9 mature eggs that fertilized we got 5 five-day blastocysts....2 grade A and 3 grade B.  Of couse I was hoping for more in the event our first transfer doesn't take, etc....but I am going to believe it will work.

I do have to admit....I am nervous about seeing my friends w/ all the weight I've gained over the last 3 months--I am attributing it to 2 IVF rounds of drugs and stress from my job. I have probably put on 20 lbs.....but I am finally at a weight where it is noticeable in clothes i.e. my stomach has grown a sizeable second stomach above it! I've carried my weight pretty well over time since I am tall, but I haven't been this big/size my whole life.....ever.  I am somewhat embarrassed. I know they all love me and won't judge me....but inside I feel pretty self-conscious.

I'm going to try my best to let all of the stress, anxiety, and worry melt away......and focus on enjoying the holidays w/ my daugther and great friends.

Whew.

Fertilization Report

Ok. So we got 10 eggs!!!!!!  That was such good news to hear when I was coming out of the anesthesia. We actually got eggs! and 10!  Monday morning went pretty smoothly w/ the early morning retrieval and bedrest most of the rest of the day.
I called today to find out the fertilization report--she said of the 10, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. That is great! The Dr. did say I will have to do a frozen transfer (boo), so they let the embryos grow to 3 day, then 5 day if there is enough and they look good.
So, I should know Sunday what I end up with in terms of 3 or 5 day embryos.....hopefully grading too, etc..
Then nurse said next step was to call her on cycle day 1 to start the frozen cycle instructions. I think there will be medicine to take, etc. for that too.

In the meantime I want to take some time to get back in the gym, get myself a little healthier. My appetite has been enormous....plus additional stress has contributed to me eating a super lot over these last few weeks. oy.

Triggered

So it's done.  I've done my n.ova.rel injection, full strength this time....right at 7pm like I was instructed.  Last time I did the lu.pro.n and very small nov.ar.el and obviously didn't work since I didn't get any eggs. At the Dr. this morning I was hoping he would say I am done because I feel just so full....my body....ovaries....stomach......oof.
Since the Dr. was actually there today he did the monitoring and measured the biggest follicles....so not really sure how many are in there. He said everything looked great. I told him about my concern w/ prefering to do a fresh transfer versus frozen.  He said it really depends on the labs.....oof. I'd really like to have some say in the matter, but his goal is the same as mine, so I'll just have to let go. When the nurse called w/ my instructions this afternoon she said that one of my labs looked fine, but the other was pretty elevated, so probably will be doing frozen......oof.
First things first....it's all up to my body now appropriately responding to the medication to 'ripen' my eggs and release them.  C'mon babies......you can do it.

I've got retrieval at 7am Monday morning.

Follicles....s......

This is short. I just want to note that I had my monitoring appointment this morning and the nurse found 11 follicles on my right ovary and still 5 on the left w/ some little ones.  That's 16 growing!! YippeKAyYay!  I know that follicles do not equal eggs...BUT, these are good numbers. Mostly because they are all growing similar in size....their isn't a dominant one, which is how things are supposed to be going. Whew for now.

It's crazy how you can 'feel' your ovaries when there are that many follicles growing. When my bladder gets full it feels like my ovaries are 'floating', but still have weight. I am super bloated all the way around too. I'll be ready to get this show on the road. If the schedule stays on track, I should have egg retrieval on Friday of this week. That will be great because I'll have care all day for baby.

I talked again to my ivf coordinator this morning and told her I really want to do a fresh transfer. I am here, got the insurance, and just want to make it happen.  She told me that he looks at estrogen level the day of the retrieval....if it is over 5,000 then he basically says will do frozen. But, if less than that we can maybe do fresh. He normally does 3 day.
It might seem crazy to do this while I am in the midst of so much change.......but my mind is feeling like I'd rather keep going w/ this process if I can.

My daughter is starting to become a toddler. Her walking has improved dramatically.....she is still unbalanced at times....but mostly she can catch herself and stop from falling. When she first started walking it was so cute.....she'd scrunch up her arms armpit height. Then if she started to get unbalanced, she'd 'punch' out her arms until she steadied herself.  Hard to describe, but oh so cute.
I'm just having to learn how to deal w/ the crying/flopping down/whining, etc.. It may be that she is in a growth spurt. She sits on my lap before bed (the only time of day she sits more than 5 minutes) and we rock while she drinks her bottle and we watch 'our show'....wheel of fo.rtu.ne. I just noticed tonight her legs are reaching the end of my knees when we are sitting. Oh, my girl.

Follicles

Well, at least on my appointment this past saturday, my follicles were growing quite nicely. I had 8-9 on the right ovary and 5 on the left one. Total 13-14. Similar to last time.  I am starting to feel the achy/fullness of my ovaries...well, makes sense considering they are growing many little balls in there.

I have been pretty stressed out over the last week. I am having second thoughts about accepting the position and moving to the new city.  I did the quick house hunting and what I am finding is how much schooling is a huge issue. Even though baby is only 15 months, from care, to pre-school, to pre-k, to school....you have to work it backwards to figure where you are going to live, what type of neighborhood you can find in that area, what you can afford, etc..etc...
Basically, nothing has totally lined up yet in terms of care for baby and living situation. I have spent countless hours on the internet researching homes, schools, driving time, distances, etc. that I've become obsessive about it.
Part of what I am worried about is my 'gut'--I have listened to it over my whole life and is hasn't steered me wrong.  And right now it's talking to me.....am I worried so much that I shouldn't do it?  I am on the fence about it. I would burn some serious bridges if I didn't go, but I have to decide what's best for my family. The option is to go back and see if the job I turned down is still available.....I think it is. But let's face it, I'd have to move for that job too and I am not sure that's the best thing for us either. My ideal would be to just stay put, but that is not an option.....since my two offers were not in town.
My heart is just not at ease right now and I dont' know what to do to fix it.
What I am doing to cope isn't helping much.....I'm eating like crazy. I am on the steriod for the cycle and I do think it increases my appetite. So, I've had a lot of drive through. And several donuts. I am not even a huge sugar fan. Now fried food, I'll take that any day.

In other news, baby girl is really blossoming in her communication. She can say several words now:
puppy=puppuh
go=go
apple=aaaaapuh
shoe=sh-sh-sh
nap=haaaap
up=puh puh puh
quack=cack cack

She doesn't just repeat the words, she knows what they mean. In the grocery store, she saw an apple and says the word. She gets her book and will point out when she sees apples. When she hears a puppy barking she looks around and she says puppuh.  She is starting to learn what things say like a duck..I'll say what does a duck say, "cack-cack". That one is pretty cute.

She is also starting to be a bit more, shall we say, temperamental.  I've struggled lately keeping my patience because she has started her whiny phase all over again. OMG. Can this girl whine. But, what sends me over the edge is she'll whine whine and I'll try to ignore....my attention turns for a moment to something else and this turkey decided to pinch or scratch me....hard. And MAN does it hurt. This morning she pinched me and I was just so frustrated that I yelled back at her to STOP. Not a proud moment because I totally lost my cool. I took both of her arms and sat her down and said NO, DO NOT HURT MAMA. She actually took notice. I think she could tell I meant business because she sat still for just a minute. She hasn't done that before. Normally she's like yeah, whatever.

It just gets frustrating because nothing works to stop her whining. She has no reason to whine. I haven't figured out why she does it w/ me and does not do it w/ the nanny. I know she doesn't because I'm home sometimes. The only thing I can think is that nanny is constantly playing or entertaining her so she doesn't whine. I don't do that. I will certainly play w/ her, but sometimes I just lay on the floor or the sofa and she will play somewhat. Where she gets super whiny is when I am walking around trying to do something....like dishes, or the phone, or laundry, or anything other than sitting w/ her.

Speaking of the nanny, the other day I came home and saw a slip of paper on the counter...it had an address and 10/hr.  I was thinking okay, she's looking for a job. It actually works out fine because we will be moving, but I hadn't told her that yet. So, sure enough just the other day she had this long story about how she doesn't want to work full time, she wants to have flexibility to get to her daughter as needed, take care of errands, etc. and I get it.  I didn't even blink when she told me. I said I understood and hopefully she can work until mid-december.  I'm not sure she knew how to take that. For some reason I feel like she was thinking I would try harder to get her to stay, I don't know.
But either way, no matter where we end up, our care situation will change.....even if we stayed here.

All I can think about is pizza cheese bread....that's what I want for dinner. And gosh darn, I may just have it.

And so it begins....

I can't believe I'm on Day 3 of IVF medication and haven't written about it yet!  Actually, with all the stuff I have going on, I have to be sure I remember to take it every night. I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.

I'm super anxious about a lot right now. Finding new care for baby girl in my new city is first and foremost. It is proving more difficult than I thought. Also, finding the right location to live is proving more difficult as well.

This past weekend we drove the 5 hours to go house hunting. My friends suggested I really needed to get over there and start looking. True. So, we loaded up after work last Friday and drove.....baby did pretty well since we did her normal routine, except instead of bed, I put her in the car. She only woke up completely once and I gave her a bottle, she went back to sleep. We got there about midnight. However, when we got there she was hyped up because there was a dog and a new place....so she took over an hour to go to sleep, then woke up at 2, 4, 6.......just like when she was a bitty one.  Mama exhausted.
Then I spent all day saturday looking at areas while my friend kept the baby. We stayed over another night and I drove through several areas again, and headed back Sunday night same thing--left when she would have normally gone to bed.

My dilemma is.....the area I really like doesn't have the greatest preschools and schools.  The areas that have that are much much  more expensive.  I've called a ton of centers to see if I can't get her in and all the recommended ones have no space (I can understand if they good).  If I live in the expensive areas, then I can't really afford a nanny, so center care it is. Since having a nanny, I am very nervous about the switch, the extra time, packing lunch, etc.....I have also found a lot of places don't take them until they are 2. argh!

All of this is weighing heavy on my mind. I have spent countless hours researching housing and possible places for her over the last few weeks.  I know it will all come together, but when I get overwhelmed, I just want to run the other direction.