Year End 2013

I'm sitting here in my recliner, red fuzzy blanket behind me and leaf fuzzy blanket on my lap. I just kicked the cat off my lap so I could write this post. I'm full from ham and couscous and feeling pretty relaxed.

These last several weeks have been such a mix.....so I'd really like to focus on the up:

My sister came down for Xmas about 5 days before the holiday and stayed until last Friday (about 7 days total).  She has really impressed me with how much she helps out when she is here....and no complaining either.  She just jumped right in and helped cook food, do dishes, spend time w/ the baby. She even took her to the park by herself. That was such a treat. I got to just sit here in the quiet while my sister was having fun with baby. She also did bathtime routine one night....and took her to the store by herself one day.  She is feeling more confident in care-taking and I can tell.

A few days before my sister got here I decided I needed to get a tree. A real one. So, we went off to the store and got one, set it up, and put the colored lights on it. It smelled amazing. I also got 2 poinsettias for the living room, put up window clings, hung a stocking, and put red/green alternating lights in my porch lights (red-green-red-green bulbs). I also cleaned the house from top to bottom so it was fresh, clean, and decorated. It felt really good.  Oh yes, I rembered to buy the sparkling grape juice we always drink every year.

I shopped early so had all my presents way ahead of time. I normally am shopping just the days before Xmas so was proud of myself that I was done. I was really excited about the "big" gift I got my sister...more on that in a minute. I got baby some pit balls and made a cardboard box to put them in, got her some shoes, a paja.na.imal book (she loves that show and it's the only one I found she will sit for 10 minutes for), and fridge magnets. I also got her two blue kid-size chairs for a sesam.e street table I found on the side of the road months ago for free. I was proud about that one. My mom would be proud about that one.

We decided to go to candlelight service at a church we hadn't been to before on Xmas eve. We always used to go w/ my mom, so it was kind of sentimental.  Baby had other plans. She wouldn't sit down more than one minute...wanted to run between the aisles. So, I spent almost the entire time chasing her outside the hall w/ my sister attending service. I was hot/sweaty/and somewhat stressed by the end of it. We ended up going back in during the candle-lighting part which was magical. The candle progression from bottom of church to top (we were on upper level) was warming to watch. I cried.  Stressed and crying.... not what I imagined.

On Xmas day we opened presents.....it was great having my sister here, but honestly w/ just the 3 of us the whole time it felt kind of just...too quiet. Like we were waiting for others to arrive or something. And the big gift I got her...an expensive purse she would never buy herself...she opened it and instead of the "oh wow awesome" she said, no, she couldn't keep it. She didn't want it. Ummmm.ooooof to the gut. I almost started crying right then and there.  I told her I thought she'd be happy about it, but I didn't want to get her something that made her feel bad. I said if she thought the money spent on a mixer was okay, why not money spent on a purse......she finally thought more about it and apologized for her reaction. I think it got to a deeper issue for her about 'deserving' something like that, but I was just happy she felt like she could keep it. We exchanged colors and it ended up working out okay....but it wasn't what I expected.

Something else that I wasn't prepared for was how I would feel starting this FET process. The medication I am taking (lu.pro.n and dex.a.me.thasone steriod and baby aspirin) has really made me exhaus-ted with a capital E (at least I think it's the medication).  I spent a lot of time when my sister was here on the sofa just feeling sooooo tired. I really felt bad because I felt like I had wasted a lot of her trip by being so tired and wanting to rest all the time.  Now, we did get out (had baby sitters on two separate days), but wish I had more energy to do more. Even now that she has left, I have had a lot of trouble 'getting going' during the day....but the minute I put baby down around 7pm, I am up and awake....like could be up until 2 am awake.

It's been a bit tough over the last few days because I went for labs on Monday. Unfortunately my estrogen is super high, so they are going to delay my timeline.  The Dr. thinks it's because a cycle is due and they won't start the rest of the meds until that happens. My only thing w/ that is....they know my body doesn't react normally w cycles....if I was supposed to have one, then I don't know why they didn't just make my body have one to keep the process going. It's making me nervous because let's not forget that I am starting my job at the end of the month....in another state. Still no house yet and still no care lined up.

Here's where it gets tough....today's phone call was not a good one.  I've mentioned in my blog before that I have a friend who is not supportive of me going forward w/ another baby. I've known her going on 11 years now and she is somewhat of a mother-figure age-wise. She may read this blog, not sure, but I can write what I need to.......
Anyway, a few days ago I had asked if I could fly her over here mid Jan so she could be here for my daughter while I was on bedrest for the 2 days required. She said she would check her schedule, but most likely could do it. I then texted her Monday to say it was delayed so no worries.

She called me today to 'talk'.  She basically said in so many words she is not supportive of me moving forward w/ another baby for many reasons......her biggest one is that I had such a complicated/difficult pregnancy last time--haven't I thought about that my daughter needs her mom? I asked her what she meant by that and she thinks it's more important to keep me healthy than risk complications. She also said that unless something miraculous had happened since last time she saw me, that I am not in the shape I need to be to start a pregnancy (this one stung pretty bad). And, have I found a Dr. in my new city to handle my case once I get there? and have I talked to my previous high-risk OB about another pregnancy and does she support it? I told her my reproductive Dr. who I've been seeing for over 5 years is well-aware of my history/case/difficult pregnancy and was supportive of moving forward. But once she realized that the OB was not consulted, she grabbed onto that one pretty firm and said she just doesn't understand why I wouldn't do that. That of course the reproductive Dr.'s goal is pregnancy, but he wasn't there for the entire thing.  So, I agreed I would and called their office today.

Overall very tough conversation.  I haven't had anyone really challenge my decision about family like that and be so open/blunt.  I am not angry at her for bringing up facts that she is concerned about.....but what I told her was most hurtful was that she insinuated that I wasn't thinking about my daughter.  When in fact, that is exactly who I am thinking about in making this decision.
I really need to process it a bit more.

I guess maybe I am in the bloggyland bubble when I read about others who just make it work, difficult pregnancies and all. Maybe I do have on rose-colored glasses. Maybe I am naive to think that I can make it all work and it will all fall into place.
It's kind of interesting to see that when it was the first one, folks were in general pretty positive. Now that it's the secone one, and behind a difficult pregnancy.....tune is different, at least w/ this friend.
The thing that I don't want to have happen is that if it becomes a difficult pregnancy, I get on bed-rest, or what have you.....and I see the 'I told you so' face.  Certainly not going to change my decision because of that, but it makes me feel like I don't really have the physical support because I don't have the emotional support.  Not like my first thought would be, hey, let me call X, I'm not feeling well. you know?

To end on a much needed high note......Watching my baby girl grow into a little toddler over 2013 has been stupendous, amazing, frustrating, and oh so fulfilling.  We started the year w/ an almost 5 month old tiny little baby......and now she is miss personality go-go-go girl. Her communication has flourished, she can tell me what she wants, show me, and walk me there. She still has her dramatic-fling-herself on the floor cry, her whining whining, but she also has unsolicted come to me and given me kisses and hugs that melt my heart.  We are continuously bonding, she is continuously testing boundaries......and she now "reads" me stories. Eats all by herself too. She does this thing where if it's something she really likes she picks it up, chews w/ her mouth closed, squeezes her eyes tight, leans her head back a bit as if to say, Ah, this is so good.

She is blossoming and I can only imagine the changes for 2014. Baby sister or brother and all.
Wishing all of you a Happy New Year.

 



Green Grass

Thanks for the comment on my last post. I do feel better knowing the questions I ask are normal and what we are doing is normal.  W/out other mommy friends around, it's hard to just "know" some of this stuff.

I had such an interesting conversation yesterday w/ my neighbor.  It was sunny and 'somewhat' warm out yesterday so baby and I took a walk down a few houses where the neighbor girls were putting up xmas decorations.  Their mom came out and we sat down in the grass and just caught up while girls played w/ baby. I told her that I had news......we were moving again.  She's a nice lady, only just 5 or so years older than I, but seems much older since she has a 15 and 17 year old. 
The first words out of her mouth were.....I am so envious of you.  Just like that.  I kind of had to think a minute and just simply asked her why she felt that way.
She said because I can just pick up and go wherever and whenever I wanted. I can buy as many houses as I want, I can move to other states.....just go.

The funny thing is.......I envy what she has......she has a husband, his mother lives around the corner, they have a non-moving family home, they have aunts, uncles, cousins galore (they are from here) all around.  What more could you want?  Seems my envy of the deep roots is exactly the opposite of her envy of my utter mobility.

Greener grass, huh?

So, it is getting to be the holidays and I still don't have a house to move to in my new city.  I am just not finding what I am comfortable with....location, price.  I think I've narrowed down where I want to live, but not much inventory. This time of year isn't the best either.  What I have learned, though, is it's possible that to get what I want I will have to build it.  So, moving to another city, build a home, be a single mom, and be pregnant all at the same time.  I think I've lost my mind.
I keep thinking, though, if we are there 5+ years, I better like where I live.

I made one key decision...I decided not to sell my current house. I am going to rent it. I waffled (like I do w/ most big decisions) and made the plunge.  The company will pay me a percentage of the appraisal to keep, so it works out fine.  I've decided if I don't want to keep long term and deal w/ the hassle of renters, I can always sell later.
The idea is that after my assignment, I will move back here. Who knows at that time if I will want to live in this house, but now I have the option.

I also interviewed a nanny when I took my last trip over there....she was 'okay'. I think she knew she didn't want to do what she was doing, but not sure she really wanted to nanny. She needed more money. I didn't get a warm fuzzy from her and had pretty much made up my mind that she was not the person for us. But, I've learned in my years that it's better to let the other person bow out first. So, I sent her an email asking what she thought? Not putting my opinion in there.....and she said she actually prefers a job where she can have some benefits. My intuition was right.
So, the search continues.......
I am almost at the point where daycare may be the option.  It will be an adjust for both of us.....but one thing is that she is very social, and could use some structured learning to her day. It will be much more stimulating, that's for sure.

On baby note, now that I've been home w/ her quite a bit since I am not working and nanny is done, I am finding that I am liking the 'stay at home' idea more. I will certainly go back to work, but I think now that she can communicate more there seems to be less whining and we have a lot of fun. We go to the park, stores, etc. and I just enjoy spending time w/ her.

List

It's been awhile since I posted.....I actually forgot my log-in details. Hey boy.  There has been a lot happening in my world over the last several weeks.

• I stopped working my old job. Thankful for that...however, had awkward 'end' w/ one of my coworkers. Sad, but sometimes it can't be helped. Glad that stress is over.
• We flew to friends house for Thanksgiving.  The flights were very stressful w/ a one year old. She didn't want to sit/be contained...she did some screaming, a woman covered her ears. She did not sleep on either flight.  Tired/exhausted mama---and baby. However, the visit w/ my friends and their family was just fabulous/amazing/heart-warming. They embraced my daughter like she was one of theirs.....she was the highlight of the show. It's exactly what I would have ordered up for her. My friend's Dad getting on the floor and playing w/ her.....his mom reading a story to her...grandma wanting to hold her (although baby kept going other direction). I was so happy for her/us that we got to experience a thanksgiving like that. I've come to realize that my extended family is quite cold. They don't hug, aren't very friendly. It's not to say they are bad people, it's just so different from what we just experienced. Makes me want to go back there every year.
• I am working w/ Dr.'s office to start embryo transfer medication/process Dec 19, transfer to be mid-january. Way later than I expected....I didn't realize the process was so long. I thought it would be like 2 weeks......nope.
• I am flying to my new city to house hunt this Thursday....for second time. We drove over before--the two houses I liked went pending. At that time I was still waffling about 'should I go, shouldn't I'...and now that I've decided to get on w it and AM going......I'm still mourning the loss of the one house because I could have totally seen us living there.
• We went to the park this past Saturday for Winter Party and saw Santa! We got our pic taken the year before w/ him and it was 80 degrees and I sweat the entire time. This year is was freezing, but baby was so into the people, bouncy house, homemade snow, and santa, that we stayed for almost an hour.
• Nanny officially stops working for us this Friday.
• I pushed out my start date until almost end of January.  Have to figure out what I am going to do w/ baby for the next 2 months.
• Working on finding nanny in new location.  So not happy w/ the options for daycares, so I am still reaching into my network for options.  I just got an email back from a contact who has been a teacher for last 7 years but wants a career break. She is waiting tables and is very interested. I am very hopeful on this one...will meet her when I go over there Thursday. I was worried she would be turned off by salary, but she seems still interested.
• I decided to keep my house instead of sell and will rent it out. Think good financial decision, but the rental process could make me rethink this decision.

Here is a pic of baby at the park...I may have to start calling her by her name because baby girl isn't quite so applicable anymore :)

In her world....what occupies my mind is worrying she is bored.  I think about her routine w/ the nanny and a lot of time is spent playing w/ toys. Nanny takes her to the park once a day, reads to her, teaches her little things like blowing kisses, etc,.....but I guess I feel like that's not enough. She seems to 'get' a lot of things, her language is increasing.....she LOVES when she is around other little kids.....we went to Dr. office and she laughed hysterically at this other little boy patting his hand on the bench.
Even on the weekends I worry....I usually take her somewhere on one or both days...either the Y, shopping, play date, etc. but downtime is at home and she spends a lot of time playing w/ her toys and 'exploring'.......some other things we do are: walking outside, read a lot of books, just started coloring, pulled out playdo, tried sticker pages, got her a slinky.

Perhaps that is exactly what she should be doing.....I guess for me I'd be bored wandering around picking up stuff and playing w/it.  She isn't fussy for the most part, so maybe she is happy doing this....and it's just my thinking that I'm not doing enough for her, I should be stimulating her much more.....maybe that's it. I think she needs more stimulation.

This is where it starts getting harder....is it just me thinking we always should do/be/have/more.....OR, do I really need to do more w/ her?