Year End 2013

I'm sitting here in my recliner, red fuzzy blanket behind me and leaf fuzzy blanket on my lap. I just kicked the cat off my lap so I could write this post. I'm full from ham and couscous and feeling pretty relaxed.

These last several weeks have been such a mix.....so I'd really like to focus on the up:

My sister came down for Xmas about 5 days before the holiday and stayed until last Friday (about 7 days total).  She has really impressed me with how much she helps out when she is here....and no complaining either.  She just jumped right in and helped cook food, do dishes, spend time w/ the baby. She even took her to the park by herself. That was such a treat. I got to just sit here in the quiet while my sister was having fun with baby. She also did bathtime routine one night....and took her to the store by herself one day.  She is feeling more confident in care-taking and I can tell.

A few days before my sister got here I decided I needed to get a tree. A real one. So, we went off to the store and got one, set it up, and put the colored lights on it. It smelled amazing. I also got 2 poinsettias for the living room, put up window clings, hung a stocking, and put red/green alternating lights in my porch lights (red-green-red-green bulbs). I also cleaned the house from top to bottom so it was fresh, clean, and decorated. It felt really good.  Oh yes, I rembered to buy the sparkling grape juice we always drink every year.

I shopped early so had all my presents way ahead of time. I normally am shopping just the days before Xmas so was proud of myself that I was done. I was really excited about the "big" gift I got my sister...more on that in a minute. I got baby some pit balls and made a cardboard box to put them in, got her some shoes, a paja.na.imal book (she loves that show and it's the only one I found she will sit for 10 minutes for), and fridge magnets. I also got her two blue kid-size chairs for a sesam.e street table I found on the side of the road months ago for free. I was proud about that one. My mom would be proud about that one.

We decided to go to candlelight service at a church we hadn't been to before on Xmas eve. We always used to go w/ my mom, so it was kind of sentimental.  Baby had other plans. She wouldn't sit down more than one minute...wanted to run between the aisles. So, I spent almost the entire time chasing her outside the hall w/ my sister attending service. I was hot/sweaty/and somewhat stressed by the end of it. We ended up going back in during the candle-lighting part which was magical. The candle progression from bottom of church to top (we were on upper level) was warming to watch. I cried.  Stressed and crying.... not what I imagined.

On Xmas day we opened presents.....it was great having my sister here, but honestly w/ just the 3 of us the whole time it felt kind of just...too quiet. Like we were waiting for others to arrive or something. And the big gift I got her...an expensive purse she would never buy herself...she opened it and instead of the "oh wow awesome" she said, no, she couldn't keep it. She didn't want it. Ummmm.ooooof to the gut. I almost started crying right then and there.  I told her I thought she'd be happy about it, but I didn't want to get her something that made her feel bad. I said if she thought the money spent on a mixer was okay, why not money spent on a purse......she finally thought more about it and apologized for her reaction. I think it got to a deeper issue for her about 'deserving' something like that, but I was just happy she felt like she could keep it. We exchanged colors and it ended up working out okay....but it wasn't what I expected.

Something else that I wasn't prepared for was how I would feel starting this FET process. The medication I am taking (lu.pro.n and dex.a.me.thasone steriod and baby aspirin) has really made me exhaus-ted with a capital E (at least I think it's the medication).  I spent a lot of time when my sister was here on the sofa just feeling sooooo tired. I really felt bad because I felt like I had wasted a lot of her trip by being so tired and wanting to rest all the time.  Now, we did get out (had baby sitters on two separate days), but wish I had more energy to do more. Even now that she has left, I have had a lot of trouble 'getting going' during the day....but the minute I put baby down around 7pm, I am up and awake....like could be up until 2 am awake.

It's been a bit tough over the last few days because I went for labs on Monday. Unfortunately my estrogen is super high, so they are going to delay my timeline.  The Dr. thinks it's because a cycle is due and they won't start the rest of the meds until that happens. My only thing w/ that is....they know my body doesn't react normally w cycles....if I was supposed to have one, then I don't know why they didn't just make my body have one to keep the process going. It's making me nervous because let's not forget that I am starting my job at the end of the month....in another state. Still no house yet and still no care lined up.

Here's where it gets tough....today's phone call was not a good one.  I've mentioned in my blog before that I have a friend who is not supportive of me going forward w/ another baby. I've known her going on 11 years now and she is somewhat of a mother-figure age-wise. She may read this blog, not sure, but I can write what I need to.......
Anyway, a few days ago I had asked if I could fly her over here mid Jan so she could be here for my daughter while I was on bedrest for the 2 days required. She said she would check her schedule, but most likely could do it. I then texted her Monday to say it was delayed so no worries.

She called me today to 'talk'.  She basically said in so many words she is not supportive of me moving forward w/ another baby for many reasons......her biggest one is that I had such a complicated/difficult pregnancy last time--haven't I thought about that my daughter needs her mom? I asked her what she meant by that and she thinks it's more important to keep me healthy than risk complications. She also said that unless something miraculous had happened since last time she saw me, that I am not in the shape I need to be to start a pregnancy (this one stung pretty bad). And, have I found a Dr. in my new city to handle my case once I get there? and have I talked to my previous high-risk OB about another pregnancy and does she support it? I told her my reproductive Dr. who I've been seeing for over 5 years is well-aware of my history/case/difficult pregnancy and was supportive of moving forward. But once she realized that the OB was not consulted, she grabbed onto that one pretty firm and said she just doesn't understand why I wouldn't do that. That of course the reproductive Dr.'s goal is pregnancy, but he wasn't there for the entire thing.  So, I agreed I would and called their office today.

Overall very tough conversation.  I haven't had anyone really challenge my decision about family like that and be so open/blunt.  I am not angry at her for bringing up facts that she is concerned about.....but what I told her was most hurtful was that she insinuated that I wasn't thinking about my daughter.  When in fact, that is exactly who I am thinking about in making this decision.
I really need to process it a bit more.

I guess maybe I am in the bloggyland bubble when I read about others who just make it work, difficult pregnancies and all. Maybe I do have on rose-colored glasses. Maybe I am naive to think that I can make it all work and it will all fall into place.
It's kind of interesting to see that when it was the first one, folks were in general pretty positive. Now that it's the secone one, and behind a difficult pregnancy.....tune is different, at least w/ this friend.
The thing that I don't want to have happen is that if it becomes a difficult pregnancy, I get on bed-rest, or what have you.....and I see the 'I told you so' face.  Certainly not going to change my decision because of that, but it makes me feel like I don't really have the physical support because I don't have the emotional support.  Not like my first thought would be, hey, let me call X, I'm not feeling well. you know?

To end on a much needed high note......Watching my baby girl grow into a little toddler over 2013 has been stupendous, amazing, frustrating, and oh so fulfilling.  We started the year w/ an almost 5 month old tiny little baby......and now she is miss personality go-go-go girl. Her communication has flourished, she can tell me what she wants, show me, and walk me there. She still has her dramatic-fling-herself on the floor cry, her whining whining, but she also has unsolicted come to me and given me kisses and hugs that melt my heart.  We are continuously bonding, she is continuously testing boundaries......and she now "reads" me stories. Eats all by herself too. She does this thing where if it's something she really likes she picks it up, chews w/ her mouth closed, squeezes her eyes tight, leans her head back a bit as if to say, Ah, this is so good.

She is blossoming and I can only imagine the changes for 2014. Baby sister or brother and all.
Wishing all of you a Happy New Year.

 



Green Grass

Thanks for the comment on my last post. I do feel better knowing the questions I ask are normal and what we are doing is normal.  W/out other mommy friends around, it's hard to just "know" some of this stuff.

I had such an interesting conversation yesterday w/ my neighbor.  It was sunny and 'somewhat' warm out yesterday so baby and I took a walk down a few houses where the neighbor girls were putting up xmas decorations.  Their mom came out and we sat down in the grass and just caught up while girls played w/ baby. I told her that I had news......we were moving again.  She's a nice lady, only just 5 or so years older than I, but seems much older since she has a 15 and 17 year old. 
The first words out of her mouth were.....I am so envious of you.  Just like that.  I kind of had to think a minute and just simply asked her why she felt that way.
She said because I can just pick up and go wherever and whenever I wanted. I can buy as many houses as I want, I can move to other states.....just go.

The funny thing is.......I envy what she has......she has a husband, his mother lives around the corner, they have a non-moving family home, they have aunts, uncles, cousins galore (they are from here) all around.  What more could you want?  Seems my envy of the deep roots is exactly the opposite of her envy of my utter mobility.

Greener grass, huh?

So, it is getting to be the holidays and I still don't have a house to move to in my new city.  I am just not finding what I am comfortable with....location, price.  I think I've narrowed down where I want to live, but not much inventory. This time of year isn't the best either.  What I have learned, though, is it's possible that to get what I want I will have to build it.  So, moving to another city, build a home, be a single mom, and be pregnant all at the same time.  I think I've lost my mind.
I keep thinking, though, if we are there 5+ years, I better like where I live.

I made one key decision...I decided not to sell my current house. I am going to rent it. I waffled (like I do w/ most big decisions) and made the plunge.  The company will pay me a percentage of the appraisal to keep, so it works out fine.  I've decided if I don't want to keep long term and deal w/ the hassle of renters, I can always sell later.
The idea is that after my assignment, I will move back here. Who knows at that time if I will want to live in this house, but now I have the option.

I also interviewed a nanny when I took my last trip over there....she was 'okay'. I think she knew she didn't want to do what she was doing, but not sure she really wanted to nanny. She needed more money. I didn't get a warm fuzzy from her and had pretty much made up my mind that she was not the person for us. But, I've learned in my years that it's better to let the other person bow out first. So, I sent her an email asking what she thought? Not putting my opinion in there.....and she said she actually prefers a job where she can have some benefits. My intuition was right.
So, the search continues.......
I am almost at the point where daycare may be the option.  It will be an adjust for both of us.....but one thing is that she is very social, and could use some structured learning to her day. It will be much more stimulating, that's for sure.

On baby note, now that I've been home w/ her quite a bit since I am not working and nanny is done, I am finding that I am liking the 'stay at home' idea more. I will certainly go back to work, but I think now that she can communicate more there seems to be less whining and we have a lot of fun. We go to the park, stores, etc. and I just enjoy spending time w/ her.

List

It's been awhile since I posted.....I actually forgot my log-in details. Hey boy.  There has been a lot happening in my world over the last several weeks.

• I stopped working my old job. Thankful for that...however, had awkward 'end' w/ one of my coworkers. Sad, but sometimes it can't be helped. Glad that stress is over.
• We flew to friends house for Thanksgiving.  The flights were very stressful w/ a one year old. She didn't want to sit/be contained...she did some screaming, a woman covered her ears. She did not sleep on either flight.  Tired/exhausted mama---and baby. However, the visit w/ my friends and their family was just fabulous/amazing/heart-warming. They embraced my daughter like she was one of theirs.....she was the highlight of the show. It's exactly what I would have ordered up for her. My friend's Dad getting on the floor and playing w/ her.....his mom reading a story to her...grandma wanting to hold her (although baby kept going other direction). I was so happy for her/us that we got to experience a thanksgiving like that. I've come to realize that my extended family is quite cold. They don't hug, aren't very friendly. It's not to say they are bad people, it's just so different from what we just experienced. Makes me want to go back there every year.
• I am working w/ Dr.'s office to start embryo transfer medication/process Dec 19, transfer to be mid-january. Way later than I expected....I didn't realize the process was so long. I thought it would be like 2 weeks......nope.
• I am flying to my new city to house hunt this Thursday....for second time. We drove over before--the two houses I liked went pending. At that time I was still waffling about 'should I go, shouldn't I'...and now that I've decided to get on w it and AM going......I'm still mourning the loss of the one house because I could have totally seen us living there.
• We went to the park this past Saturday for Winter Party and saw Santa! We got our pic taken the year before w/ him and it was 80 degrees and I sweat the entire time. This year is was freezing, but baby was so into the people, bouncy house, homemade snow, and santa, that we stayed for almost an hour.
• Nanny officially stops working for us this Friday.
• I pushed out my start date until almost end of January.  Have to figure out what I am going to do w/ baby for the next 2 months.
• Working on finding nanny in new location.  So not happy w/ the options for daycares, so I am still reaching into my network for options.  I just got an email back from a contact who has been a teacher for last 7 years but wants a career break. She is waiting tables and is very interested. I am very hopeful on this one...will meet her when I go over there Thursday. I was worried she would be turned off by salary, but she seems still interested.
• I decided to keep my house instead of sell and will rent it out. Think good financial decision, but the rental process could make me rethink this decision.

Here is a pic of baby at the park...I may have to start calling her by her name because baby girl isn't quite so applicable anymore :)

In her world....what occupies my mind is worrying she is bored.  I think about her routine w/ the nanny and a lot of time is spent playing w/ toys. Nanny takes her to the park once a day, reads to her, teaches her little things like blowing kisses, etc,.....but I guess I feel like that's not enough. She seems to 'get' a lot of things, her language is increasing.....she LOVES when she is around other little kids.....we went to Dr. office and she laughed hysterically at this other little boy patting his hand on the bench.
Even on the weekends I worry....I usually take her somewhere on one or both days...either the Y, shopping, play date, etc. but downtime is at home and she spends a lot of time playing w/ her toys and 'exploring'.......some other things we do are: walking outside, read a lot of books, just started coloring, pulled out playdo, tried sticker pages, got her a slinky.

Perhaps that is exactly what she should be doing.....I guess for me I'd be bored wandering around picking up stuff and playing w/it.  She isn't fussy for the most part, so maybe she is happy doing this....and it's just my thinking that I'm not doing enough for her, I should be stimulating her much more.....maybe that's it. I think she needs more stimulation.

This is where it starts getting harder....is it just me thinking we always should do/be/have/more.....OR, do I really need to do more w/ her?

Happy Early Thanksgiving and Shopping Lessons

I tried to put a positive spin on the title because I am nervous as can be about traveling tomorrow. We are flying to see some great friends this year instead of family (no regrets about that) and I can't believe how anxious I am....will she be able to sit, will she melt down, will I sweat like crazy, how long will the lines be, are the clothes I got her warm enough.....the list goes on and on.  We at least are flying during her close to normal nap time, so I am praying she gets some sleep....for me and her. And wouldn't you know, she has another cold. Worried about it.....as she was just getting over another one. One thing I did actually plan in advance was an activity bag--books, coloring, slinky, stickers, snacks, etc..

I think the other part of the anxiety is self-inflicted. I waited too long to go shopping for her and I for the trip.  My girl had no fall/winter clothes to speak of, or any outerwear. She had some play things that a friend gave us, but I had not shopped for her since she was born (aside from one outfit) and she is 15 months old. I am grateful for all of the outfits and clothing we received as presents, so when it occurred to me that her closet was dwindling way too much I realized that it was time--only a few days before our trip.  In all honesty, last week was tough w/ recovering from egg retrieval, so in fairness, I did know I needed to shop and went to a few consignment stores....but everything I bought was too big or I bought it because it was cheap, not because I really liked it.

Mama does not like shopping for herself, but found it a bit more fun for baby. And a girl at that! But, I realized I am super picky about what I will buy for her....and of course, I will be a bargain shopper forever....was ingrained in us.....we would see something on the rack...first question..."Is it on sale?"

I got stuck in trying to buy her a winter coat. I live in the south and the inventory was terrible since we've had a really cold spell, AND I found that sizing is a mess. A 2T was smaller than an 18mo. So I bought 3 coats, 2 didn't fit at all, and one is okay, but I didn't like the pattern--it was my backup coat, but will be the coat we take since we just ran out of time.
I also got her some really cute outfits w/ long sleeves, sweaters, etc..I got everything on different sales. She also needed socks, hats, mittens, tights, bigger jammies, etc.....

Shoes is a whole 'nother issue.......I thought I had done my duty by measuring her feet w/ a ruler. Well, wouldn't you know in the stores, their special shoe measuring thingies are not in inches. I pretty rude sales lady today clearly showed me that. Whatever.....I was obsessed w/ getting her some boots and a cute pair of shoes (since the shoes she's been playing in for awhile are just too ratty and her toes are at the end).  I haven't decided if I am into the "must buy podiatrist recommended brands" or just some cheaper ones.  I know how my feet feel when I have good shoes versus not, but her feet grow fast, etc etc.....
Anyway, I found these supercute ones in the mall but they were pretty expensive--the "recommended ones", and said I would buy two sizes, well they only had one and I said whatever I buy it.  come to find out after trying the shoes on her tonight, she could have used the next size. Expensive shoes that won't last that long???? Oy what's a mama to do.......I seriously stressed about this for a few hours. I even thought about running back out (my friend was over) to the store that had the right size.......But, after realizing our trip is tomorrow, I decided I didn't need to stress about getting her another pair of shoes before going to the airport....I gave in. We are keeping the good, expensive shoes that still give her room to grow, but could be better w/ the next size.

I won't bore you w/ the details of my baby girl screaming and wiggling as I tried every single piece of clothing and shoes on her over the last few days, and the few days last week.

Lessons learned: don't wait until the last minute, having your child with you may be tough, but trying on clothes/shoes so you don't have to take a bunch of things back would have been helpful, realize all of your shower and friend gifts will run out and you actually have to do something about it.

I finally got my embryo report today......good news, I think......of the 9 mature eggs that fertilized we got 5 five-day blastocysts....2 grade A and 3 grade B.  Of couse I was hoping for more in the event our first transfer doesn't take, etc....but I am going to believe it will work.

I do have to admit....I am nervous about seeing my friends w/ all the weight I've gained over the last 3 months--I am attributing it to 2 IVF rounds of drugs and stress from my job. I have probably put on 20 lbs.....but I am finally at a weight where it is noticeable in clothes i.e. my stomach has grown a sizeable second stomach above it! I've carried my weight pretty well over time since I am tall, but I haven't been this big/size my whole life.....ever.  I am somewhat embarrassed. I know they all love me and won't judge me....but inside I feel pretty self-conscious.

I'm going to try my best to let all of the stress, anxiety, and worry melt away......and focus on enjoying the holidays w/ my daugther and great friends.

Whew.

Fertilization Report

Ok. So we got 10 eggs!!!!!!  That was such good news to hear when I was coming out of the anesthesia. We actually got eggs! and 10!  Monday morning went pretty smoothly w/ the early morning retrieval and bedrest most of the rest of the day.
I called today to find out the fertilization report--she said of the 10, 9 were mature and all 9 fertilized. That is great! The Dr. did say I will have to do a frozen transfer (boo), so they let the embryos grow to 3 day, then 5 day if there is enough and they look good.
So, I should know Sunday what I end up with in terms of 3 or 5 day embryos.....hopefully grading too, etc..
Then nurse said next step was to call her on cycle day 1 to start the frozen cycle instructions. I think there will be medicine to take, etc. for that too.

In the meantime I want to take some time to get back in the gym, get myself a little healthier. My appetite has been enormous....plus additional stress has contributed to me eating a super lot over these last few weeks. oy.

Triggered

So it's done.  I've done my n.ova.rel injection, full strength this time....right at 7pm like I was instructed.  Last time I did the lu.pro.n and very small nov.ar.el and obviously didn't work since I didn't get any eggs. At the Dr. this morning I was hoping he would say I am done because I feel just so full....my body....ovaries....stomach......oof.
Since the Dr. was actually there today he did the monitoring and measured the biggest follicles....so not really sure how many are in there. He said everything looked great. I told him about my concern w/ prefering to do a fresh transfer versus frozen.  He said it really depends on the labs.....oof. I'd really like to have some say in the matter, but his goal is the same as mine, so I'll just have to let go. When the nurse called w/ my instructions this afternoon she said that one of my labs looked fine, but the other was pretty elevated, so probably will be doing frozen......oof.
First things first....it's all up to my body now appropriately responding to the medication to 'ripen' my eggs and release them.  C'mon babies......you can do it.

I've got retrieval at 7am Monday morning.

Follicles....s......

This is short. I just want to note that I had my monitoring appointment this morning and the nurse found 11 follicles on my right ovary and still 5 on the left w/ some little ones.  That's 16 growing!! YippeKAyYay!  I know that follicles do not equal eggs...BUT, these are good numbers. Mostly because they are all growing similar in size....their isn't a dominant one, which is how things are supposed to be going. Whew for now.

It's crazy how you can 'feel' your ovaries when there are that many follicles growing. When my bladder gets full it feels like my ovaries are 'floating', but still have weight. I am super bloated all the way around too. I'll be ready to get this show on the road. If the schedule stays on track, I should have egg retrieval on Friday of this week. That will be great because I'll have care all day for baby.

I talked again to my ivf coordinator this morning and told her I really want to do a fresh transfer. I am here, got the insurance, and just want to make it happen.  She told me that he looks at estrogen level the day of the retrieval....if it is over 5,000 then he basically says will do frozen. But, if less than that we can maybe do fresh. He normally does 3 day.
It might seem crazy to do this while I am in the midst of so much change.......but my mind is feeling like I'd rather keep going w/ this process if I can.

My daughter is starting to become a toddler. Her walking has improved dramatically.....she is still unbalanced at times....but mostly she can catch herself and stop from falling. When she first started walking it was so cute.....she'd scrunch up her arms armpit height. Then if she started to get unbalanced, she'd 'punch' out her arms until she steadied herself.  Hard to describe, but oh so cute.
I'm just having to learn how to deal w/ the crying/flopping down/whining, etc.. It may be that she is in a growth spurt. She sits on my lap before bed (the only time of day she sits more than 5 minutes) and we rock while she drinks her bottle and we watch 'our show'....wheel of fo.rtu.ne. I just noticed tonight her legs are reaching the end of my knees when we are sitting. Oh, my girl.

Follicles

Well, at least on my appointment this past saturday, my follicles were growing quite nicely. I had 8-9 on the right ovary and 5 on the left one. Total 13-14. Similar to last time.  I am starting to feel the achy/fullness of my ovaries...well, makes sense considering they are growing many little balls in there.

I have been pretty stressed out over the last week. I am having second thoughts about accepting the position and moving to the new city.  I did the quick house hunting and what I am finding is how much schooling is a huge issue. Even though baby is only 15 months, from care, to pre-school, to pre-k, to school....you have to work it backwards to figure where you are going to live, what type of neighborhood you can find in that area, what you can afford, etc..etc...
Basically, nothing has totally lined up yet in terms of care for baby and living situation. I have spent countless hours on the internet researching homes, schools, driving time, distances, etc. that I've become obsessive about it.
Part of what I am worried about is my 'gut'--I have listened to it over my whole life and is hasn't steered me wrong.  And right now it's talking to me.....am I worried so much that I shouldn't do it?  I am on the fence about it. I would burn some serious bridges if I didn't go, but I have to decide what's best for my family. The option is to go back and see if the job I turned down is still available.....I think it is. But let's face it, I'd have to move for that job too and I am not sure that's the best thing for us either. My ideal would be to just stay put, but that is not an option.....since my two offers were not in town.
My heart is just not at ease right now and I dont' know what to do to fix it.
What I am doing to cope isn't helping much.....I'm eating like crazy. I am on the steriod for the cycle and I do think it increases my appetite. So, I've had a lot of drive through. And several donuts. I am not even a huge sugar fan. Now fried food, I'll take that any day.

In other news, baby girl is really blossoming in her communication. She can say several words now:
puppy=puppuh
go=go
apple=aaaaapuh
shoe=sh-sh-sh
nap=haaaap
up=puh puh puh
quack=cack cack

She doesn't just repeat the words, she knows what they mean. In the grocery store, she saw an apple and says the word. She gets her book and will point out when she sees apples. When she hears a puppy barking she looks around and she says puppuh.  She is starting to learn what things say like a duck..I'll say what does a duck say, "cack-cack". That one is pretty cute.

She is also starting to be a bit more, shall we say, temperamental.  I've struggled lately keeping my patience because she has started her whiny phase all over again. OMG. Can this girl whine. But, what sends me over the edge is she'll whine whine and I'll try to ignore....my attention turns for a moment to something else and this turkey decided to pinch or scratch me....hard. And MAN does it hurt. This morning she pinched me and I was just so frustrated that I yelled back at her to STOP. Not a proud moment because I totally lost my cool. I took both of her arms and sat her down and said NO, DO NOT HURT MAMA. She actually took notice. I think she could tell I meant business because she sat still for just a minute. She hasn't done that before. Normally she's like yeah, whatever.

It just gets frustrating because nothing works to stop her whining. She has no reason to whine. I haven't figured out why she does it w/ me and does not do it w/ the nanny. I know she doesn't because I'm home sometimes. The only thing I can think is that nanny is constantly playing or entertaining her so she doesn't whine. I don't do that. I will certainly play w/ her, but sometimes I just lay on the floor or the sofa and she will play somewhat. Where she gets super whiny is when I am walking around trying to do something....like dishes, or the phone, or laundry, or anything other than sitting w/ her.

Speaking of the nanny, the other day I came home and saw a slip of paper on the counter...it had an address and 10/hr.  I was thinking okay, she's looking for a job. It actually works out fine because we will be moving, but I hadn't told her that yet. So, sure enough just the other day she had this long story about how she doesn't want to work full time, she wants to have flexibility to get to her daughter as needed, take care of errands, etc. and I get it.  I didn't even blink when she told me. I said I understood and hopefully she can work until mid-december.  I'm not sure she knew how to take that. For some reason I feel like she was thinking I would try harder to get her to stay, I don't know.
But either way, no matter where we end up, our care situation will change.....even if we stayed here.

All I can think about is pizza cheese bread....that's what I want for dinner. And gosh darn, I may just have it.

And so it begins....

I can't believe I'm on Day 3 of IVF medication and haven't written about it yet!  Actually, with all the stuff I have going on, I have to be sure I remember to take it every night. I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.

I'm super anxious about a lot right now. Finding new care for baby girl in my new city is first and foremost. It is proving more difficult than I thought. Also, finding the right location to live is proving more difficult as well.

This past weekend we drove the 5 hours to go house hunting. My friends suggested I really needed to get over there and start looking. True. So, we loaded up after work last Friday and drove.....baby did pretty well since we did her normal routine, except instead of bed, I put her in the car. She only woke up completely once and I gave her a bottle, she went back to sleep. We got there about midnight. However, when we got there she was hyped up because there was a dog and a new place....so she took over an hour to go to sleep, then woke up at 2, 4, 6.......just like when she was a bitty one.  Mama exhausted.
Then I spent all day saturday looking at areas while my friend kept the baby. We stayed over another night and I drove through several areas again, and headed back Sunday night same thing--left when she would have normally gone to bed.

My dilemma is.....the area I really like doesn't have the greatest preschools and schools.  The areas that have that are much much  more expensive.  I've called a ton of centers to see if I can't get her in and all the recommended ones have no space (I can understand if they good).  If I live in the expensive areas, then I can't really afford a nanny, so center care it is. Since having a nanny, I am very nervous about the switch, the extra time, packing lunch, etc.....I have also found a lot of places don't take them until they are 2. argh!

All of this is weighing heavy on my mind. I have spent countless hours researching housing and possible places for her over the last few weeks.  I know it will all come together, but when I get overwhelmed, I just want to run the other direction.

Comprehension and plate of beans.

Two totally random things, but both occurred this week.

First, comprehension....my baby is starting to anticipate. It is the neatest thing to watch. I first noticed it when we do 'jammy' time.  Every night after the bath we go into her room and I say it's jam-jam time.  Once I put her on the changing table (and after she screams like she does every night because she doesn't like getting dried off), I get out jammies and ask her if she likes them.  She usually smiles so I say ok, cool. The way we put on jammies is the same every night so here's what she started doing.....
I put feet in first so as soon as I get the bottoms ready, she lifts her feet up. Then pull those up and get the shirt....I put over her head and she then lifts her arm for the right arm first, then lifts for left arm. Then, she wears a sleepy sack. So when I have it close to her, she puts her feet up again, then puts her right arm out through the slot, then I normally pull her up, but she pushes herself up now at the right time to get it from underneath her. I lay her back down and she puts her left arm in.
Really boring to read, but we just went through this process and she knows exactly which arm, when to do legs, when to push up, etc....it really is interesting to watch her.

We also started the "I'm gonna get you" game.  She anticipates me coming and tickling her....she starts giggling as soon as I say it. Then I crawl around and lunge and tickle and she laughs so hard. I love that game. Sometimes I blow on her belly and she loves that too.
It's just fun.

The other thing she recently started doing is following multiple commands.  For example, I wanted her to pick up her shoes and bring them to me. So, I said go get shoe, shoe. She walked over picked it up, then I said to bring to mama and she did. I tried it with some other things and it worked. She's picked up socks, shoes, clothes, etc.....this could get helpful!

Not related to above--she is a really tall baby. She is 14 months....close to 15 months and most people guess her to be 2 years old.  She is not.  She has a ton of teeth now...I counted 12--4 top, 4 bottom and molar on all four sides.  I know they are only baby teeth, but they have grown in quite straight. Donor and I both have good teeth, so I am not surprised.  She is going to get her shots soon too. Hey boy.. Last time was rough.

So, the plate of beans.....what that is about--we had a company family event this past weekend and I took baby.  There was a couple there that we know and have been to their house before.
As soon as lunch was ready, I was looking around to see where to sit, etc. and the guy came up and said hey, I'll make a plate for you. I said sure, that would be great.  The reason it made me think so hard is I can't remember the last time I was with baby girl out, and someone took care of us like that. It made me think, wow, this may be what it's like to have 4 hands in a family. I take care of one thing, you manage the other, etc..It was so simple, but for some reason it hit me about how hard it can be to do all this myself. And what a relief it is to have some help sometimes.

Not sure what I do with that knowledge, but I was so appreciate of the kind gesture....it was just a plate of beans, but for some reason it just made me feel good.

I'll have you know that I did some more research on my fears I wrote in last post....I didn't have to internet too far and a bunch of articles/storeis came up...So, I'm not crazy.
--One of the biggest worries for IVF patients is the possibility that the staff could have screwed up and mixed their eggs and sperm with someone else's.--
I feel somewhat validated.

Changes

We are in for a bunch of changes.  I accepted new job. We will be moving. I will be buying a new house. I will most likely sell my current house. AND I will be starting another round of IVF as soon as I can. Oh, and throw in a flight for thanksgiving holidays.

I'm trying to keep it all together, but there is a lot going on and coming up. I have no idea when I will squeeze in a house hunting trip in the middle of stimulating for next cycle. Oh by the way, the Dr. said that if no cycle happens this weekend, on Monday he wants me to start a medication that will start process (that takes another 10 days!) So MORE waiting.

Not sure how I am going to manage it all, including childcare in the interim, when we initially move, and for longer term.  I've not relocated w/ a baby before and there is a lot more to think through. Just focusing on what needs to be done today, tomorrow, etc..and take it slow. I'd really like a few weeks off between jobs to take care of things, so I'm going to try and swing it.

Not much else to update other than weather is great...finally....and baby girl has started her whininess again. Don't know why. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to stop--I ignore her, I say shhhhhh, shhhhhh, I say stop fussing...nothing works.  I did notice tonight that she's got some upper molars coming through, so that could be it. She's also waking up a lot over last several nights.

Something I've been noodling on for quite some time are all of the common things people say when they have babies--and gosh darn it if you don't feel that way, is there something wrong w/ you?

Here are some examples:

I'm glad the baby chose me to be their mom: I don't understand that one. Maybe I'm thinking too literally, like, a thought-process choice and cells don't do that. All I know is I haven't said that.

It's like I've known this baby my whole life: For baby and I, I think we are still getting to know one another and bonding continuously. One of the things I still have a tough time with is I was completely out (general anesthesia) when baby was born. I didn't even hold her until the next day, when I was quite drugged. I didn't see her come out of my belly, didn't get that skin to skin contact.....that initial bonding time, and I think that makes a difference. I think the other thing that plays into our getting to know one another is she's been a very independent baby from the beginning. She preferred to be in her ro.ck.a.nd. play to soothe versus being held. If I tried to cuddle her close, she would push away. I realize all babies are different, but it took a while to learn that not all babies are cuddly, who knew?

I fell so immediately in love with this baby: I think that's different for everyone. Not sure how I feel about this one. I know I love my baby because my heart aches when I am not with her, a massive mother bear comes out in me if I am worried about her for something, and I get all warm and flush when I look at her picture at work. But the immediate part, what does that even mean? I can hardly comprehend it. Maybe that's my problem too, I'm not a super-emotional person. I'm quite logical, and some things just can't be explained.

My baby is so happy and laughs all the time: No they aren't.  Just admit it peeps. I don't know why this one bothers me, but it does. Because it is against human nature to be happy all the time. Your baby has to scream/cry/temper tantrum, spit out food, kick, etc.. Right?

These are just a few that I've thought of. I thought it might help for someone reading this to maybe relate and say, Wow....I thought something was wrong with me. No there isn't. And now you know at least one other person like you!

And now for the thoughts that probably are just plan weird....or just anxiety....or just a result of going through assisted reproduction. Every now and then I wonder: how do I know the hospital or lab didn't mess up? It's super crazy, but without being present and seeing it all. And let's not forget, she looks nothing like me. Now, she does look just like her donor, curly hair and all....but....I think it's just that I didn't conceive naturally: eggs taken out, fertilization in a tube or dish, placed in my uterus, baby taken out of me.....all without me controlling any of it, or even seeing most of it. Other humans did it, and other humans mess up sometimes.
Okay maybe I'm weird on these thoughts, but if someone else has felt that way, would be good to know.

Why bother

WITH TOYS!.................

The other day I finally got out some new to us toys a friend gave us.....there were really cool things in there like a walking toy that made sounds, a train that moved by itself, some wooden pieces, etc.

And after about only 5 minutes......................

She chose to play with a flip flop and a garbage bag (no worries she was completely supervised). She decided the garbage bag should be a purse and kept putting the red strap around her arm and dragging it behind her.

She is now 14 month old and starting to walk more and more. Now that we've gotten a break from the 90+ degree temps, we go outside after I come home from work. She walks herself all over the sidewalks/or still crawls when she feels like it. She is super stubborn, though, because I was trying to turn her another direction and she was oh so persistent. If she couldn't walk that way, then why not try crawling that way--over and over..... Then, when it got time to go back in the house she pulled the arched back/arms up/ wiggly/kicky thing and cried her eyes out. Sheesh.  I just bring her in, put her down and let her flop herself down and cry until she calms down. I distract her by asking her if she wants water, and that usually helps.

A LOT has happened on the job front. I went to the other city, interviewed, and it went really well--I am getting a job offer this week! Here's a twist.....I am getting another job offer from another company too!  I am really proud of myself for making this happen in such a short amount of time. I decided it was time and just went after it.  There are pros and cons to both companies.  But, regardless of which one I choose, I will have to move.  One city is 5 hours from here and the other is 3 hours from here.  I have friends in the 5 hour city and don't know anyone at the 3 hour city.  I don't know what the package will look like yet from both, but should have all the details in next few days.  I am finally starting to feel relieved that the job front will work itself out. Yes!
It is feeling overwhelming to think about moving, so I'll just put it out of my mind for now.  Although, one reason I am not too upset over moving is that I should do pretty well when I sell my house and my allergies have been terrible since moving in....won't miss that.

And yes, I am still moving forward w/ IVF. I will have to wait a couple more weeks to start again, and the timing makes me nervous about transfer....he seems to be doing more transfers frozen, which would delay that part past when I think I'll be at my current job. I am going to try and stay at current until end of October, take several weeks off, and maybe start new one Dec 1 if I can negotiate out that far.

Lots going on here, that's for sure.

Benched.

The universe has benched me.  Sure enough when I went to get my ultrasound this morning they found 4 cysts, 2 on right and 2 on left. The one on the right was pretty big, too.....
ARGH!
That is not at all what I was hoping for. I had just gotten all the medication delivered yesterday, checked it all off, and was totally ready to go. And now....

WAIT 4 weeks...........hurry up. Wait.......................

It stresses me due to the timing. I am in the middle of looking for another job and my insurance will change. I was just so hoping I would have at least my egg retrieval complete with some viable embryos before ending it.  I just don't know if that's going to happen now.
Dang it all already. So frustrating.  I have to accept that I may have a timeline, but my body has another.  I just didn't expect there to be these bumps.....we didn't have any issues last time and it was pretty smooth overall. But, yes I am 2 years older, so that may be playing into it.....or, it's just bad luck that the Dr. changed the protocol to one where my eggs didn't respond to the trigger, causing me to have a failed IVF and now some super cysts.

Today I drove to the city where my interview is and I am sitting in the hotel room now. I had some time after I got here to drive around and get a 'feel'. It seems okay. I've been here a few times before, most recently about 3 years ago.  I can say the interview process is nerve-wracking and overwhelming and a roller coaster all at the same time.  One minute I feel good, like yah, I got this.....then I see the corporate building and get somewhat intimidated.....then I think wait a minute, I've got great experience, I am highly educated, I got this.....then....well, another thought rolls around.
It is stressful to say the least.

Also, mama got really sad leaving baby at nanny's house today.  I went in, brought all her stuff in, got her settled, then when I was heading out my nanny, her daughter, and baby came out and baby was waving.....then they all turned to walk inside.....pang. I didn't cry. But, I don't spend time away from her. I've spent one night away from her in 13 months.  Not saying it isn't good for me/her, but I didn't think it would bother me as much as it did.  Then I turned back and looked at where her car seat normally is.....empty.  This is sounding super dramatic, not intentionally.......I just love the kid, what can a mama say. I checked on her a bit ago, around 7:45pm. She is normally sleeping by 7:00. Um, apparently she was wide awake and not close to sleeping. Hey boy I have no idea what I will be coming home to tomorrow.

Lots on my plate. I have to focus on just staying calm, one day at a time.

OY

So last week was just plain rough.  Egg retrieval Monday and Tuesday....and for the last week it has been quite painful. This did not happen last time around what so ever, so I was a little blind-sided. Last time the second day wasn't great, but I recovered quite quickly. This time not even close.  I actually went back to the Dr. last Friday because I had such pain/pressure in my abdomen.  The Dr. did an ultrasound and he said there was some swelling, but no hyper stimulation, thank goodness. I felt like I had an inflated balloon in my abdomen, with the upper area having a lot pain, worse in the evening. I spent a lot of time on the internet checking to see if my symptoms were common and it seems many people experience this after egg retrieval.  Perhaps it was worse this time because they went in twice.  I actually took prescription pain medicine most of last week, which I try to avoid because while it helps in the moment, when I stop taking it I usually get an emotional dip before I start feeling better--and that did happen.
The good news it seems to be a bit better today, but man.....it's been over 7 days. Because it was so long I started searching my symptoms letting my mind run crazy worrying something serious was wrong.

I am also in the middle of a job search and am spending a lot of time and energy on this. I have a face to face interview this coming Monday in another city, so had to shop for a suit and secure arrangements with nanny for sunday night baby will stay w/ her until Monday night. I think baby being with her overnight will be fine. She's done it once before.

Lots of stress and drama at my current job. I don't want to even get into it and work myself up, but let's just say finding a new company is really the best thing for me.  I'm just anxious about all the timing working out. Very anxious.

Something else that's been bothering me is that I have a friend who seems to be not quite supportive of me going forward w another baby. They've made some comments and i just have to put them out of my mind and seek support from those who understand......and keep reading my bloggy land where many of 'us' are looking to expand our families. I always feel better when I read my regular blogs and see that others are doing it too and making it work...just fine.

I have also started to really decline in my progress with sweating, feeling better, etc.. With us going forward w/ IVF, the Dr. had asked me to stop all of the supplements I was on. I did that, but was still eating gluten/dairy free. Then slowly I've been adding back in both. However, just over the last few days I realized how crappy I feel......my energy level is low, I sweat just thinking, my sleep is horrid (waking up so many times a night).  Just overall blah and back to how it was before.
The positive side of this is I know there is a regime that can help.....not sure if it was the supplements, the diet, or combination of both.....but I'd really like to find some way to help this again. Maybe I'll call that Dr. and see what she might recommend while I'm going through IVF. Again.
I'm just glad that I was seeing improvement, because it really opened my eyes to how bad I really was feeling....and just functioning like that like it was my norm. Well, I guess it has been since before my mom passed.....which by the way we just crossed the 5 year anniversary. Miss her and think about her everyday. I've had a lot of pangs about missing the support she gave....just having that unconditional love. I remember going home it always just filled up my soul......like someone was there to worry about me, take care of me.....just mother me.  Okay, that is bringing tears so I will switch topics.

My baby......she is starting to communicate more and her cognitive ability is really blossoming. She is trying to sound out words and it is the cutest thing. For shoes she says sh-sh-sh.  For up she says puh-puh-puh (like up, without the u).  She still calls me: eee-me-me-me, and sometimes mama.  She says ba-ba-ba-ba for bottle sometimes. I haven't figured out if she is on track w/ her language development, but I'm assuming so. She doesn't really use one word for this...it is multiple sounds...but I suppose can internet that too. I asked her to find her shoe the other day and she went right to it, same with the ball. The one that melted my heart was I said, "Where is mama?" and she patted my chest. I just was trying it with her and had no idea she would be able to communicate that to me. It was just so awwwwwww.
She also holds her hand up when she wants help walking.  Today I played a game to see if she was starting to understand colors.....we practice...a lot.  We have these cup holders that are red, yellow, blue, green. I held up two and asked her which one was blue......and she focused on the blue one.  Then I said which one is yellow, and she looked at the yellow one. Could have been a fluke, but she seemed to comprehend.
She's also starting to super test boundaries.....the biggest one is sitting down in the tub. She stands up several times every night when she takes a bath. When she does I say, "We sit down in the tub". Then she usually sits down. But lately the stinker just stands there and stares at me as if to say, "Now what are you gonna do?". We have a small stare-off, I raise my eyebrow at her and give her the "look", but to no avail. So, I help her sit back down as a last resort.
Turkey.
She has been up in the middle of the night for the last 3 nights...I've given her a bottle and she finishes it, so I assume she is hungry. She is also teething right now--well still---and that doesn't help.
Something else is I really enjoy taking her to any store, really.....like the grocery store. She loves looking at all the things, colors, people, etc. and most every time someone interacts with her. That part is great because I want her to stay used to people.
She is also starting to be more brave walking. She is taking many steps now and is practicing often. However, when she wants to get somewhere fast, she plops down and crawls away.
She still prefers to crawl.
She is 13 months old now.

Something that people always say about kids is: Enjoy it, it goes really fast. For some reason this piece of advice irritated me because I didn't really get it. Yes, kids grow up, they go through stages, etc... it happens. I feel like I try to enjoy her for what she is doing now. But, I might have caught a glimpse of what they mean. Just today when she was starting to walk several steps it just occurred to me that shortly she won't be a crawler anymore--and I had an emotional reaction to it....like wow, she really is growing right before my very eyes....she is tall and is starting to look more toddlerish than babyish. And once you past the baby stage, time and her growth keeps moving forward. She won't be a baby again. I'm sounding more dramatic than how I feel about it. I think it's simply a recognition that sometimes you just look at them and they seem bigger/different, and it catches you by surprise.

I feel like I wrote a novel.....and there are still a few others things that I didn't get to like my Dad hounding me on two weekends by phone to ask me if I got the present they sent for baby's birthday. I just didn't have the energy to deal w/ him so I didn't call back.  That brings up other sets of emotions that I just don't have the capacity for right now.
Also I gained 6 pounds during this last IVF cycle.
I am going through IVF again and after egg retrieval (assuming they get eggs) I may wait several months for the transfer.  My plate is so full right now.

I am hopeful I get a better night's rest.

Swing.....and a miss.........

Dr. called on his way home from work tonight to tell me that we did get 2 embryos, but they didn't look good based on the report. He did not recommend transfering at all.

So, thousands down the drain and i'm right back where I started. 

Kind of feel like I got kicked in the balls for real this time.  It might not have been such a surprise if there was some indication things might to awry.  The Dr. still has no explanation and he offered his apologies (sincerely). He views this as a fluke because everything else is fine...my eggs are good, I still have some.....my labs looked good.

Plan:?
What he would recommend is to start over. The change he would make is go straight to a full h.cg trigger this time rather than a lu.pro.n trigger. He would still use the same stimulation drugs.

What I have to decide?  Even though I have insurance, the way this Dr. office works is many things aren't submitted to insurance like labs, anesthesia, etc.. a few thousand dollars worth during the cycle.  So, do I go to another Dr., completely start over, to save that money, or give this Dr. another try? Oh, and I called insurance and they said that I was approved for a one time deal.....I have to get approved all over again if we do it again. Just can't deal w/ the tape right now.

I'm leaning towards staying w/ the Dr. because I've been going to that office for 5 years (even before baby stuff), I know them, they know me.....by name. The coordinators this time around seem to be competent and do follow up. Not johnny on the spot, but at least same day. they already have my background, we've already done the testing, Dr. knows my case, etc.. There are some things where saving money isn't the best decision.

I asked if we need to take time off and he said no. We would start gain w/ the next cycle, which he thinks will be w/in 10 days or so.

I do know I want to try for another baby.

Need to sleep tonight and get some rest....I am still pretty puffy and swollen from procedure yesterday.

Some hope

Well, to make a long story short we got 5 eggs today.  I do not know the quality or won't know the fertilization report until tomorrow. Still anxious about what will happen, but I found myself praying to my potential embryos, "C'mon you guys, you can do this".....

Before the procedure the Dr. said that this (not getting any eggs after all signs point to eggs) has only happened in about 3 cases for him........and he has been in practice for a looong time. He said he doesn't know what happened. He did find HC.G in my system so that means I did get the medicine correctly. He actually only uses the HC.G as a top off, because the lup.ro.n was supposed to be the trigger. I took one Lu.pro.n dose 36 hours before, then 24 hours before, just like I was supposed to. He thought for some reason maybe it wasn't enough for me, or it was just plain ineffective.

Rewind to this morning I got there around 9:30am and was a bit concerned going forward for a few reasons 1) I had to pay another 600 for anesthesia that is not covered under insurance and 2) didn't know the liklihood of finding any viable eggs even if we did go forward.  So, if we went forward and it didn't work, most likely I'd be doing this all over again.  Egg retreival is not comfortable and this would be a second day in a row I would be under anesthesia.

So, since the Dr. was running waaaaay behind today, the nurse suggested I do an ultrasound to see if my follicles were still there.  Yup, they were. So, I finally decided to just try and see.

It took almost 3 hours for them to get me back for my procedure--that's how late he was today. With no food/drink since 8pm the night before, I am sure you can imagine how good I felt. Once I got back, though, everything went quickly, and smoothly.

After I finished I went to one of my favorite restaurants and ordered some sweet potato fries, yum.

Crossing my fingers we have something to work with tomorrow.  When I was recovering the nurse said I would need to reach out on cycle day 1 since we will do a frozen transfer. I'll have to talk to nurse tomorrow because I can no way predict and want to know when we 'call it if nothing happens.

I didn't do frozen last time, so this is new for me.  I know that they did fresh due to the limited embryos/how they looked, so just don't know what this means now......

There's a piece of me that is disappointed in this outcome. I was hoping for more eggs...for a lot of reasons. In case a first transfer doesn't work, in case I have trouble carrying, whatever the reason.  When I go to a new company, my insurance will change. I was just hoping to have everything squared away before any new insurance. What would be upsetting is if we do the transfer and it doesn't work, I no longer have insurance, then we have to start all over again.
That's where some of my anxiety is sitting right now.

I will say that while I was waiting around today I thought about ok, what would life be like if I couldn't make more eggs, if I wasn't blessed with another baby.  I truly felt a pang.....which I believe to be the maternal instinct that adding to our family is such the right thing for us. I just know it. And I think I have to put time and cost aside and keep going for it. I've said before that I'd rather be unemployed and follow my dream, than give up on something because of money.

Saying that is much easier than letting myself just calm down and 'go with it.  This is a rollercoaster to say the least, and the drugs I've taken over last two weeks don't help. My abdomen is super puffy and sore, my ovaries still ache, and there is a lot of pressure in my belly/lower stomach.

Gonna get a snack and just watch some tube. I am at home tomorrow so can keep recovering. Here's hoping for some good news tomorrow.

Not even sure what to title this post

Things have not gone well today.  Okay, that's a serious understatement.

 I went over to the Dr. by 8am, waited out front as usual and they called me back to do weight/blood pressure, then get changed into my 'garb'. I don't even have the heart to post the picture of my gown/booties, etc..

I was the only one back in the surgical suite so things were running along quietly and smoothly.....the anesthesiologist was super friendly and had such a silky radio voice. I could have listened to him all day. He got my IV in on the first try and it seriously didn't even hurt that much. He did a great job. He also talked about his 17 month old daughter, so it was just nice, calm, and relaxing.

Then the Dr. came to sit next to me and said he was happy w/ how I've responded, but due to my progesterone level he decided right then and there that I would not have a fresh transfer. He said he would do the egg retrieval, then get w/ my husband--I said doc, I don't have a husband....for like the 10th time. He is so sweet that it really doesn't bother me that much. He would let the embryos grow for 5 days, then we would do some birth control--I stopped him again because due to blood clot I can't do birth control.....he said yes, yes that's right.....but it would be like 10 days or something like that before the frozen transfer.

After we talked I walked back to the surgery room and hopped up on the table. I laid down while the anesthesiologist started to inject the feel good dreamy drugs. Not going to lie, I like that one. You just feel so......good. Then once I was positioned.....OUT.

I woke up to the beeping monitor, oxygen sensor on my finger, and very relaxed and comfortable. Again, no one was around so it was quite nice and peaceful.  The nurse came over to me and asked how I was doing....I said really good, how did the procedure go?

She said......

We
didn't
get
any eggs.

HUH....?  I asked her again...what did she say? 

She said she's sorry but there were no eggs.

I really wasn't computing because I said to her, "seriously?".....and she said yes.

Completely stunned.

I asked her what happened? She said she's not sure....and asked me if I took the medication as directed. I said of course I did.  My fuzzy mind started reeling like is this really happening? How could this be? Everything was on track, I had 13-14 follicles? There was NO EGGS?

She said they were going to check my HCG blood level then call me w/ a gameplan. WTF.  I said, no I wanted to talk to the Dr. before I left.

So, I waited in the front consultation area and the financial contact who has been so supportive and sweet came in. All she had to do was look at me and I started crying. I told her I just didn't understand and she said that the Dr. had told her what happened already i.e there were no eggs. Then shortly thereafter the Dr. came in. He said he honestly just didn't understand what happened. He again asked me if I took the lupron/hcg dose and I said yes of course I did. I also asked him about the hcg because the dose she told me to take was so little. He said that was the right dose. He said he only went in about 3-5 follicles and stopped because he realized there was nothing in them. He didn't want to 'waste' what we had left.

So, I said what do we do.....he said he wanted to trigger again and have me come back tomorrow and we will go in again.  He wrote a script for another hcg trigger shot and I said I would prefer that they inject it. So, I ran over to the pharmacy, got the med, came back, and the nurse took me back to inject.

I have no idea what will happen, if my body will actually release any eggs...or if even the timing will line up. Normally you wait 36 hours after the trigger, and tomorrow at 10am will only be 24. BUT, we are already passed the normal window anyway, so who really knows.....I am just flabbergasted that we had no indication what so ever that there would be any issues. All signs were right where they should have been......

So, now I am at home, in some pain, so actually took two of the pain meds I got at the pharmacy. But, before I came home I ate some mozzarella cheese sticks....2 orders, and some pancakes. Sounds gross, but it tasted great.

I am just going to shut it out for now and take a nap. Nanny here w/ baby and she is here until 5:30pm. That gives me a good 4 hours to rest and collect myself.

A little bit of a mixmaster of emotions at the moment.

It's Showtime!

We went to the Dr. again this morning and I am really about to bust. My bladder presses on my ovaries and it really is uncomfortable. They ache and are tender.  I kept thinking, please let them say I am done.

And............................

I am done!


Actually there was significant growth from Thursday to today.....w/ the largest one being 26mm and several others as well. I had a different nurse this time and she measured at least 9 of the larger ones and said that was good enough to know I am done. So not sure exactly how many I'll have at time of retrieval.

Looks to be on Monday. They will call me back w/ my instructions for tonight and tomorrow. I will give myself lu.pron and no.var.el and see when they want to do retreival.

I am thinking a fresh transfer would be good (mostly because that's what I had last time and it worked and timing w/ insurance/job, etc), but won't know that until the Dr. decides what he gets after retreival, how the embryos develop, how my body responds, etc..

So crazy to think I could be pregnant next week.

And they keep on growin'

Had my monitoring appointment this morning and my follicles are still growing, slowly.  She measured 13, with the biggest one 16 mm.  I'm not ready so am still doing injections tonight and tomorrow night, then I do another monitoring appointment on Saturday at 10am.
The earliest they will do egg retrieval now is Monday.

On one hand I'm glad it's not this weekend because I don't have to find arrangements for baby girl, but on the otherhand, now I have to take a sick or vacation day on Monday. It's just a lot easier when I don't have to explain being gone. Especially now that I need those days for interviewing, etc.

I haven't felt too bad emotionally throughout these 10 days of injections, but I have to say tonight I feel pretty cooked. My insides feel full and bloated, and I haven't eaten the best so I feel super full from that too. I've had mexican like 3 times this week. I'm in love w/ the fried shell. Hey, there's salad in it, at least!

I have to go shopping this weekend and get a suit and some new clothes. Nothing fits and I have 3 shirts I rotate, all with black pants mostly, and one brown pair. It is sad.  I know that I look super frumpy, but most of me just doesn't care right now. I have other things that I have to worry about. But, where I do care is that I have to dress to 'impress' for my interviews so I will for sure get something nice and sophisticated. Maybe even some jewelry. I don't even bother w/ that right now.

I'm feeling pretty stressed at the moment. I think rightfully so....but I knew it would be tough looking for a job and going through IVF, so I'm just going to suck it up and keep it movin'. For anyone who's gone through job searching before, it really is a lot of up and down. I feel super confident one minute, then worry about what/where/how/, etc..the next. Sometimes w/in the same day.
I just need to stay focused on reach into my network, keep working w/ recruiters, and hope for the best.

Kicked in the Balls

I experienced today what I totally think it feels like to be kicked in the balls.  I had my monitoring appointment this morning and the nurse wasn't paying attention to the wand and WHAM!!! Yup, that was an ovary!  OH MAN did that hurt.....like, inside your body, weird how it can hurt....hurt. They truly feel like balls in there that start to float when my bladder starts to get full. Lots of pressure and pulsing here and there, and twinging.

I can't go through this process and not take an obligatory photo of the office and machine.

GREAT NEWS at the appointment....I have 7 follicles on left and 7 on the right all measuring 10-13 mm.  That's double what I had last time. I reread my blog and I had 7 total before.

MORE GREAT NEWS: MY IVF WAS APPROVED!

EVEN MORE GREAT NEWS? Baby girl took 5 steps on her own today.  Oh wow.

Even though I am feeling a bit 'full' in the ovaries and have a lot on my plate right now i.e. IVF and job search, I can be thankful that things are moving in right direction.

I haven't posted a pic of my heart lately, so here you go. Man, I love this kid.

 

Follicles!!

What a surreal experience this morning.  

Baby usually wakes up around 7-ish and we had to leave house at 7:30 for my ultrasound/lab appointment at 8am. I needed ultrasound and E.2/P.4. It cost 150 bucks for labs (because they do them in house and need to have the results right away--they don't submit to my real lab for insurance which would be 0 dollars) and 27 bucks for ultrasound. Anyway, she isn't always the quietest baby when my attention is elsewhere. Good thing there weren't many people in this morning because they would have heard little screams here and there the entire time.

The surreal part about it: I am laying up on the table, feet in stirrups, and nurse has ultrasound wand looking at follicles.....while I am rocking the stroller w/ my one hand and holding a bottle and a tub of mums in the other to keep her occupied if she started her little screams. It kind of was hilarious.  I actually am glad it was weekend and super quiet because I feel funny about bringing a baby to a place where so many women are trying to get pregnant. I knew how I felt when someone walked in w a stroller....I said to myself "Man, that's kind of insensitive". I still sort of feel that way, but single mom-dom will be the driver sometimes.

Great news.....we have 13 follicles growing that are measurable. 6 on left and 7 on right--the biggest one measuring 11mm. There are also a bunch of little ones growing on each side too. She said all looks good and they usually like to see size 12 at this scan, but I am pretty close. They called just a few minutes ago and said the dose of medication is right and I should continue for today/tomorrow and go back in for appointment on Tuesday at 8:20am for labs/scan. 

Now, the only hiccup is they said they did not get my sperm shipment on Friday. It was certainly supposed to be delivered that day so I need to call the bank and see what happened. It's a good thing I ordered WAY ahead of time.

Looks like everything is on track.  Nurse gave me two additional go.na.l pens in the office so I am good there. Now, if only my baby would lie down and nap instead of slapping her bottle across her crib slats and talking.

Oh my achin'......

Ovaries! Today is day 5 of injecting stim medication and there is definitely something happening. I felt it from the very first day. It's just I now notice them more because they feel 'full', or like little walnuts.  It's been a bit frustrating dealing w/ the medication. They put in the script for 150/day dose. Dr. started me w/ 225, and after my bloodwork on friday morning they said my estrogen was low so he upped again. I was really surprised to hear my estrogen low because I have felt it affect my ovaries since night one. Anyway, what that means is I run out of medication tomorrow.  I realized this yesterday so texted w/ the nurse. Bottomline is I'll have to get samples at their office because my insurance won't allow the refill since it is too soon.

I go in tomorrow morning for my first ultrasound since starting the meds so we can see what's happening.  They will either ask me to go back on Monday or Tuesday again depending on how I'm doing.  The calendar actually calls for egg retreival next Saturday if all stays on schedule.
WOW!!!

I am really excited. I don't have the nervousness, fear, panic that I did last time. My 'gut' feels good about going forward (even though we are still fighting w/ insurance) and even though I am in the middle of a job search.  Actually, I had a phone interview on friday that went great. They want to fly me in for face to face interview in next two weeks. Ummmm......I'm makin a baby here! I told my recruiter next week was completely out, and will look at following. But, if we end up doing a fresh transfer, that week will be out too.
I didn't expect things to move that fast w/ that company, but it's a good sign. It would mean a move, but I'm optomistic about it. I don't know, I kind of feel like unless I take risks, I'll never know.......

Last night I actually went back and reread a lot of blog posts to see how I felt last time, etc. It really is pretty cool to have a virtual 'diary' of my journey.  The thing I noticed is 1) I talk about needing to work on my weight---a lot and 2) I was feeling really miserable and probably was depressed at the beginning of my last pregnancy.  I laid around a lot, slept a lot, didn't have much energy. Yes, I had some traumatic events w/ the blood clot, hospitalizationetc....but upon rereading I could just see more clearly that I exhibited a lot of depressed behavior. I also had a TON of anxiety. So much worry from start to finish about my well being, the baby, etc. Perhaps having the blood clot at 6 weeks along set the tone for keeping the panic/fear in me.  I also had a lot of fear about being a single mom, etc..

One thing I can say in hindsight is......I am proud of myself for continuing on, in spite of all the fear/anxiety/depression. I just went for it.......and now have an incredible baby in my life.
Also, I don't have those feelings right now. Well, good thing since I can't w/ a one year old. But, I started w/ taking vitamins B and D when we were addressing my sweating problem and Dr. said I can keep taking them. I think they really do help my overall energy level.

I'll have to reflect further on why so much of my thoughts occupy around my weight, but I haven't been able to stick to change it.  If it bothers me that much, then i need to figure out why I'm not addressing it and 'fixing' it.

Anyway, the only slightly 'anxiety' filled thing happened last night when I took my injectables. For som reason my heart started to hurt/ache. I started to wonder/worry and then read the package insert to see possible side effects. Of course it says so many scary things, up to having blood clots, etc.. Ah crap. I started searching internet right away to see if that was what's going on w/ me, or was it heart-related, etc.......but, none of my symptoms matched up to anything really. Wasn't sudden, wasn't sharp, didn't go to extremeties, etc.. I finally just calmed myself down and texted my sister. I told her to call me in the am and check in. I kept worrying if something happened to me, who would find my baby.  I think this was all anxiety talking because I feel much better tonight.

The journey continues......

Wonderbar

So, i'm writing that because things aren't really wonderbar at the moment.  Today was a tough day.

First, baby girl had to get her one year shots at Dr. this morning.  We went over there, waited out front for longer than usual.....which meant she wanted to get down/crawl/play. I don't know about any of you but the minute I walk in the Dr.'s office I think G-E-R-M-S and I freak out alittle.  I finally let her get down and crawl on the floor because she was so squirmy, but then I couldn't stand it, picked her up and took her to the liquid sanitizer....did her hands and feet. Probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't care.  We got in the back and Dr. came in for checkup--she is still 90th percentile for height and weight and overall she is doing great, says the Dr.
Then we waited and waited for the nurse to come for the shots.  With a one year old who wants to crawl and move constantly, it was hard to keep her occupied. And I was sweating like crazy. I aways seem to be anxious there and since I had to stop all of my treatment for my excessive sweating because we are going forward w/ IVF, mama had to keep wiping her brow.
Once the nurse came we had a lot on the agenda....finger prick for a little vial of blood and 4 injections.
Oh My Word did she scream today. I actually got to the point that I almost cried too because she was shaking/sobbing/all red/and screaming.....and I still had to hold her down, tell her 'I know it hurts, I'm sorry, I know.....'. This was a rough one.  When we got done she still cried and it took some to quiet her down. 
And she was not feeling well rest of today. She was uber cranky/fussy/whiny.....didn't nap in the afternoon, so was extra tired on top of it, oh and she needed to have a poopy diaper. Nanny leaves at 2, so I had her for 4 1/2 hours until she went to bed.  I was not very patient w/ her because she was oh so whiny and also was getting into the cat food for the 5th time and I just had had it. I yelled at her to get that cat food out of her mouth, picked her up and put her in her playpen for "timeout". I was exhausted and so was she. Not a proud parenting moment because I knew she wasn't feeling well.
We did bath, bottle, rocking, then bed.  Whew.  This was tough.

On top of it, I am having insurance issues regarding IVF. Here's the thing--I have fertility coverage. They covered my two IUI"s and IVF last time no issues what so ever!!  However, my financial advisor at the Dr. office warned me that for some reason, insurance companies are cracking down and not approving IVF, even w/ fertility coverage. WTF. here's the thing.....during the precertification process they asked my Dr. 2 things 1) how long was I infertile and 2) how many IUI's have I done. Well, considering I have no husband I am totally infertile i.e. won't get pregnant w/out intervention and Dr. recommended IVF straight up because IUI didn't work last time and I am 2 years older--38.
Well, apparently the insurance company is saying just because I have to use donor sperm, that doesn't make me infertile...and for the IUIs, apparently they like to see c.lom.id instead of le.troz.ole, even though they were from last go round.  The financial advisor told me that the first level denied the procedure and she asked them to expedite the review at the board.

I am really worried now.  My action is I have to talk to the benefits plan manager tomorrow at work....good thing he is a friend of mine at work and knows I was going to start doing this.  I have to see what/if he can help.  I have no idea what this would cost out of pocket and frankly didn't even imagine I'd be needing to worry about it.  On top of it, this has to happen quick because I have already had hysteroscopy, already on day 2 of injectible (go.na.l F and me.no.pur), and if we stick to the schedule, egg retrieval could as early as Saturday of next week.

As for how I am feeling w/ the medication: this is a new injectible for me this time....I did fo.ll.ist.im last time with m.e.n.opur and I am feeling like it is making me a bit more irritable, my ovaries are already 'feeling' it, and I feel bloated.

So, a little stressed, anxious, crabby, bloated, and irritable.

Hope to have a better day tomorrow.

And we are off.......

I'm so freakin irritated. I just have spent the last half hour typing this long post about today and w/ one crazy button it just disappeared.

ARRRGH!

So, here's the summary:
--no food/drink all day long
--Dr. office for 9am labs and baseline today. Found a cyst. Leave Dr. office for errands.
--go to bank, carwash, my friend picks me up at 1:30 to go back to Dr. office for 2pm appointment
--2pm well woman's
--3:30-ish hysteroscopy and drain cyst.
--finance lady mentioned insurance asking questions, need to call them tomorrow. (note-a little anxious, did not have this issue last time)
--keep going w/ IVF protocol
--started inject meds tonight.

enough. I'm done typing.

Curveballs....plural

First, thanks to chas.in.g rain.bo.ws for the comment to my last post.  I appreciate your insight because I follow your blog regularly and know that you have a nanny as well.  I agree with you and appreciate your comments.

However since I wrote that post......Curveball One impacts nanny situation: I need to get a new job.  I have said for a long time that my company was unstable.  There has been a lot of uncertainty about our company/department, and last week I got wind that things are looking worse.  So much so that I have launched a full on job search.  I certainly prefer to stay in the city I am, but I have to be open to moving for the right company/opportunity. That clearly impacts my whole childcare arrangement. I can start to look for a new nanny now, but it really doesn't make sense until I know what where my job search may take us. I don't want to change too many things because I have a lot on my plate.  I did talk to her the Monday after that post and she apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. She said she completely forgot to tell me and that she didn't hear her daughter tell me about the visit.  She did seem genuine....well, enough for me not to fire her and just let it be for now. If I do stay here, I will be looking for a new nanny because I feel like her attitude is just not the best anymore. Another example: She told me this past Friday at 5pm she wanted to be late on Monday due to taking her daughter to school for first day. Totally get it, but I had already booked 2 meetings that am that were not moveable (well, not at 5pm on Friday).  She stormed out of the house and slammed the door on way out. Whatever, but what bothered me the most is baby and I always walk over to the door and baby waves/or slams on the window/ when nanny goes home everyday. Nanny didn't even turn back around.  She's also made comments that next year she is going to only work 4 days/week. Hey boy.

Curveball 2:
Regardless of my work situation, my number one priority is to build my family. I thought only a few minutes about interviewing while pregnant, what if I am hospitalized again, what if morning sickness is worse, starting a new job and then needing to go out on maternity leave so early, etc..and then just put it all on the backburner.  I still have the IVF insurance and by god I am going to use it.  Since I was planning to try in Oct/Nov, I had had my IVF consult on the books for today.

Here is the curveball: trying for baby number 2 is on--right now!!!

I assumed since we didn't do many labs last time I was at Dr. that this would just be a hey, you need to do XYZ lab, THEN we'll talk about protocol, you need to do a month of birth control anyway, etc.. Well, to my surprise, he had ordered whatever fertility labs last time and had all the data he needed.
GREAT NEWS: my numbers look great. I didn't go into too much detail about the numbers w/ him because I would obsess. That's his job. I know something is a 7.9 and he said he has women with 2-3 (totally not like me not to dive for more detail and know exactly what test it was, but I just didn't). He says that due to that, he expects we might get a good number of eggs. He is changing protocol from last time because of two reasons 1) if my numbers were this good, I should have produced more eggs last time (more than the 7) and 2) I had a blood clot last time.

The process is fast forwarded because normally he does 1 month of birthcontrol, but due to the blood clot, we are skipping that part and going right to getting ready for stimulating w/ drugs.  What was so great was that after the Dr. visit, because we are fast-forwarding, he wanted me to see the IVF nurse who does the IVF calendar, orders meds, etc. Believe it or not they were able to work me in today right after I saw him. Then on top of that, they actually squeezed me in the schedule for this coming Tuesday for my hysteroscopy where they do a biopsy/scratch to prepare the uterine lining. They do it under light sedation so I will need a ride, but whatever.  SO, all I need to do is wait for cycle day 1, which should come in its own in next few days OR, if it doesn't, after the procedure on Tuesday, because bleeding will occur, they call it cycle day one.  OMG.  It went from me thinking about it and talking to myself about being ready just this morning, etc.. and then WHAM! we are full on in baby-making mode.
I forgot to mention something new this time too is that he is starting to do less fresh transfers in order for women's estrogen levels to normalize, then do a frozen transfer the next month. For me, he said we will monitor my estrogen at retrieval, then decide on fresh or frozen at that time.  He thinks he will transfer two. He seemed very confident I would end up with embryos (several), so I am following his lead and being confident too.

What I am excited about is that I feel good about it. It feels right, so I am totally going with it. I am going to try and not overthink, keep any anxiety that creeps up at bay, and jump in head first. I can't say I'm not a little nervous, but what I think is different this time is 1) I've gone through it before and 2) I already have the most wonderful daughter. I'm not freaked out that I will never be a mom. I AM a mom.  Upon reflection last time, I realized how much anxiety I had the whole pregnancy.....I kept worrying about me not making it, baby not making it, baby being sick/having diseases, etc..I can now say that that is exactly what anxiety is and what it does to you. It makes you think up all these scenarios and stew in them like they could be reality.  I didn't realize how intense it was for me until looking back when I don't have it now and can actually name it.
I'm just in a different place right now.

Curveball 3:  I may soon have a walker.  She took her first step this past Saturday. I was laying on the kitchen floor...don't ask....she crawled over to me, stood up, I let go, and she took one step towards me, unassisted.  I clapped so wildly for her. So proud.

That's it for now. I am going to review my paperwork for all of the meds/the calendar, etc. and just become familiar again with it.  I could be pregnant within the next 4-6 weeks. Whoooooo boy.

Child Care: What to do

I'm gonna say it.....mama is pissed off.  I'm not an angry person by nature...but you mess with me and my baby, it's on.

So, as you know I've had little things here and there that haven't gone smoothly w/ my nanny.  It started out okay, but then as time went on I realized that she's hard headed and melts down when I try to have an open conversation w/ her about something I don't like.
Here are some of the issues that have occurred prior to this past Friday:

• Started w/ the bottles. I did not want her to microwave, she kept doing it....even after I told her I didn't want it done that way. We had that blowout where I caught her doing it and she got all flustered, defensive, and mad.  I think to this day she still does it because I see the micro with numbers on it (meaning it's just been used) and no one ever has tea or any food around
• The log book. I've asked over and over for her to put everything in the book. She simply just doesn't.  Over last two weeks I knew baby had different food because nanny's daughter was with her and daughter says, " Oh, baby had my r.a.me.n noodle w/ shrimp".  Would have been good to know. Also, last week I get a text at close to 6pm. I fed her eggs. Great. Thanks. Just in case she's sitting her in hives I'll know why.  Honestly!  I don't care that she is trying new food, just tell me about!! I really don't think it's that hard.
• She eats my food.  I've never told her she couldn't, but over time I've noticed fruit missing, or carmel corn, or ice cream sandwiches....she never asks or says anything about it.
• She never really asked to bring her daughter with her over the summer. She just did. Now, it's not an issue because baby girl needs company, but would have been nice of her to ask.
• She is coming later and later all the time.  She is supposed to be here at 7:30am and she gets her at 7:40, 7:45. Rarely on time now. It's not that big of deal except you add that up for one week X 4 per month and it adds up.  I am sometimes late, but I am also sometimes early. Sometimes she'll go home like an hour and a half early if I have to take baby to Dr. or something and I don't doc her pay.  I can't think in the last month maybe once she was early.  I don't mind if it goes both ways because I don't want to be held to exactly 5pm, but it just hasn't happened that way.
• She got that second job where she said she needed to leave at 3, which then was agreed to 2:30, then all of a sudden when push came to shove, she actually needed to leave at 2pm, but didn't tell me until she started leaving at 2pm. Then said she told me that's what we agreed to. Ummm....no, it wasn't.
• She doesn't really do much w/ the baby other than go outside or play toys. All day long.  I remember she told me she really likes arts/crafts, etc. and only once have they done something like that.....drew one pic and put it on refrigerator.
• Finally, communicating sensitive things is difficult. She shuts down immediately and gets angry and defensive.

Here's where I am super pissed off.  This past Friday I came home and nanny/daughter and baby were here. I asked nanny how the day was and she said fine.  I'm in the kitchen looking at the log book and her daughter brings baby in the kitchen.....she pipes up and says, "Baby sat on my lap at the bank, and they all thought she was cute".
I didn't react.
Just answered with, "Oh, that's nice...sounds like you had a good day". Did not want to make a scene in front of her daughter.

In my mind I was boiling inside thinking, "How dare you take my baby ANYWHERE without asking for permission, how dare you think that it's okay for you to run personal errands WHILE YOU ARE WORKING, HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME WHERE YOU TAKE MY BABY??!!

Here's the thing, the nanny said nothing. Nada. Not a, hey I was going to tell you.....hey, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you....NOTHING. Even after she got busted by her daughter. Because guess what, kids don't lie. Here's the worst part, I just don't think it's the first time she's done it.  One day she showed up at my house all dressed up....hair fixed, makeup, dress on.  I asked her where she was going? She said oh, nowhere.  It didn't sit well so I asked again before I left if she had plans....nope.
Yah right.

I'm not sure I've been that mad in a long time.  I've stewed about this all weekend.  But I can tell you basically as of Friday, I am so done. Just done w/ her. She's been pushing the line, pushing the line. That was part of my biggest fear come true.....that nanny takes baby somewhere in her car, without permission and something terrible happens to baby......obviously thank goodness nothing happened, but you never know...


So, my first inclination is to find a new nanny, so I started scouring my mom network...I'm on a few boards and a few networks. I sent a few emails and did stumble across a posting where a nanny just got back in country and is looking. I actually met her today. There always seems to be a....she's okay, BUT.......this one has a daughter who is going to start school near my home. However, she is a single mom and will need to drop off and pick her up everyday. Which means my baby has to be lugged out everyday, and the child would need to come here for a few hours everyday. I asked her how it would work if her daughter got sick and she looked at my blankly...obviously she hadn't thought about that. It would mean my baby would be around another sick kid, that's what it means.
Not ideal at all, and honestly I don't think the lady is interested. She said she's maybe looking for part time.  Great. It also may be about the money.  I emailed the lady she was with for 7 years and she told me they paid her 12/hr. ummm.....12x45x4 = 2,160 a month. No freakin way. AND, they allowed her to take her baby there all day with the other kids. So yah, good set up.
Finding a new nanny might be hard, especially because I can't afford that kind of money.

I thought about center care and I just haven't been impressed by those that I have seen. Unless I find one I could be comfortable at that doesn't thave a one year wait, then it's not an option.

I even thought about an aupair....however, my house just doesn't seem big enough for another adult. I only have one story and I really really need my space. That's how I unwind.  I even thought, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and move to the suburbs so I can have more space and more options. But, then it makes my commute about 2 hours each day and that's even less time I can see my baby.

This is very stressful to say the least. I am bent over a barrell until I find a new childcare situation so I am not going to pull the plug w/ my current one. I will ask her tomorrow why she didn't tell me about going to the bank and see what she says. I will also tell her that I'm keeping the carseat with me and for now, I don't want her going anywhere.  Maybe later on she can ask for it if needed, and I need to know everywhere she intends to go.
Not much else I can do right now....that I can think of.

I've been in a grouchy mood most of the weekend and my child either felt it, or she was grouchy too because oh man was she stubborn today. I tried to take her final monthly picture and she wasn't having it.....she twisted, turned...and the stupid battery was low anyway so I said to heck w/ it.  She is now putting her arms up to shield me from putting on her shirt. It's her least favorite thing to do. I had to fight w/ her on that by holding her arms down so I could get it over her head.  Then, she whined and screamed in the car on way home from the grocery store....then she screamed crazy when I tried to wash her body in the tub.

Mama is just tired, stressed, and a little beat down tonight.  Am hopeful next week goes a little better. I am on my tenth day of dairy and gluten free per my Dr.'s recommendation. Turns out my adrenals are 'fatigued'--I didn't pass my salivary test (easiest way to describe it). And a multitude of things can be causing that--life stress, dietary allergens (gluten/dairy), infection in stomach, etc...The Dr. not sure what causing so they gangbusters try to treat everything...I am dairy/gluten free, now take vitamin D, omega, B12, and some immune boosting sprays, creams, coconut oil at night, etc...Might sound like nonsense, but I'm somewhat of a believer because my symptom of excessive sweating has decreased a lot. Not perfect yet, but much better.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Thought maybe typing it out would make me feel better....I actually think it just riled me up again.