Christmas here we come!

Now that blogger isn't compatible w my phone (or at least I don't know how) it's much harder to post pics. I have to go old school and email them to myself then upload. I have the best one from my girls Christmas program--she's hugging her brother in front of the tree and he's beet red screaming his head off.
Ahhhh the memories!

Ive done a lot to prepare for Christmas--got our family cards ordered, got live tree, got more yard lights that I just love--they are pathway lights in the shape of a tree, 12 on each side, about a foot tall each. And with our lighted snowman from last year it looks so cute. OH and best deal ever we got a 3 ft tall ceramic Santa with snowman for the porch for 20bucks!!
I wanted to go all out and get roof lights but after trying to draw out how they would go I just said nah, maybe next year. I have 4 peaks on roofline and they are quite steep. I'm almost done shopping I have been picking up things along the way. My girls biggest wish??? Crutches. Next is a sparkly pink drum. So, those will be under the tree along with some much needed pajamas. My son also has some 'boring stuff' like socks and overalls but I'm so excited to give him a shopping cart. He pushes everything he can find.

I think the biggest difference between last year and this year is not having a three-nado and a 1 year old (who was teething terribly) not just coming off of an entire house remodel ann d moving in to new house, while working Full time of course.
I just have a lot more energy this year and the other cool thing is my girl is SO into the tree. We had an amazing time decorating the tree. We actually dug out the ornaments we didn't even touch last year. As we were unpacking the boxes my girl just kept ooing and aaahing over them. She'd say awww this one is so special!! I found a bag of handmade bells out of egg crates that my mom and I made and the emotion just washed over me and I started crying. My sweet sweet girl said 'it's ok momma, I know you're sad, sometimes I get sad too'. She then gave me a reindeer to make me feel better. I told her the bells were very special and that her grandma and I made them. She knows she's not with us, but I still talk about her with my girl.
It really can be emotional this tree--my whole life is up there. My mom had many ornaments made for us kids, handmade many herself...the earliest one was 1978 that I found. Then several from over the years that we always put on our tree growing up, a wheel of fortune hallmark one because I was obsessed with the show in elementary school, even tried to make my own wheel out of cardboard and sticks, volleyball girl ornaments, and the yearly photo ornaments of my children now, and their handmade ones.
It's just so special looking at all of them. Looking at the tree right now.

The one present is from my girl for me. She decided I needed a present so drew a picture and put it in the bag. Could not have been sweeter.

I've started doing something different in the evenings after work....right when I get home at 530 I load the kids in the bike trailer as a stroller and we do about a half hour loop. When I first started--about 3 weeks ago they both went kicking and screaming. I told them that's fine, but we're still going!! And now that it's more routine (pending weather) they are the ones asking to go. My son will go run to the back door and point and screech. My girl will say, mommy you said yesterday we could go...? And even if I'm a bit tired they kind of motivate me to do it. Like tonight. My girl and I have the crud--respiratory virus, she also has pink eye, my son got up at 520 this morning....but by golly we went.
It's kind of fun because after we're done I do push-ups and they help me count, and we all stretch, etc. I enjoy it...think they do too.
I think I just decided that I need to do what makes me feel good. Also reading stories online that are good reminders about making it your best with what you have.



Which brings me to my son. I think I was honestly the most frustrated  I've ever been with him--and it was at church. My girls preschool Christmas program started at 7pm, be there at 630. That's the  first issue because he is normally in bed around 715. Then, they had like 17 classes performing one by one and we were class 16.
I tried all my tricks like food, drawing board, letting him push the stroller, taking him to the nursery...and it still didn't work. All he wanted to do was push the stroller where HE wanted to--outside. Nothing else was good enough. He'd steer towards the door, I'd steer away, he'd arch his back, squeeze his butt, put his arms straight out and just yell. No convincing would do the trick. I even tried letting him push at the back of the church--nope. I think this was the first time where nothing I did worked--and we were in public and couldn't go because we had to wait for sister. Eventually her time was on stage and I just strapped him in, pushed him up to the front, knelt down to get the three minute video, and called it a day. As soon as we could a grabbed the kids some cookies, got my girl from her classroom, and drove quickly to the safety of our home. Whew....that was pretty stressful and I thought many times another pair of hands would have been welcomed.

My sister is coming tomorrow until Tuesday next week and I am off work until then so yay!

Funny--my girl and I were playing go fish card game and we tied. I said hey look, we both are winners. She said no, nobody wins when there is a tie. I asked her why couldn't we just say we both won? She said, "its the real world mom". !!

Something interesting--she's into telling people she doesn't have a dad. The dr just the other day was talking about mommies and daddies and she pipes up--I don't have a dad. I quickly jumped in and said that's right, we have a mommy, sister, brother, and fat boy cat. Dr didn't really know what to say! I did ask my girl later about what she thinks about  not having a dad and she said it sometimes makes her sad. I told her I understood and that it was ok to feel that way. I really felt bad because it's not something I can fix and she's very perceptive as a four year old. I'm not totally surprised she noticed but I am surprised she verbalized feelings about it, and sadness is the word she used. I don't WANT her to be sad or feel like she's missing out. Maybe next time I'll talk through that families can all be different--some don't have mommies, some have two daddies, etc.
You know she even said when she was trying to comfort me about the ornaments that she knows I'm sad that my mom is gone and she gets sad because she doesn't have a dad. Clearly it's something she thinks about so I want to keep talking to her, keep conversation going. At her speed though.
She continues to amaze me with her thoughts, verbal ability, creativity,  and wit..I have to keep reminding myself she's only 4!

Another topic for another time is we were just told part of our business is moving away from here. Whether I'm impacted and would be asked to move I won't know until 1st quarter next year. My boss also asked if I would be interested in putting my name in hat for job in Midwest that's open now. I'm not a fortune teller but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a move in 2017. Sheesh.

At least for now I'll just focus on Christmas!!

Thanksgiving and Looking forward to Xmas

Feels like it's been awhile since Thanksgiving already, but I'm determined to share our trip because I am so happy to report.....it went SO WELL!!

We were due to go out to Milwaukee on Wed the day before Thanksgiving and come back on Saturday early morning.  Of course I was nervous about how the logistics would go but I am so proud of myself for all of the planning I did. Heck, I even booked the flight back in July. I honestly don't remember a time where I've planned this much....i.e. I started laying out our suitcase stuff 2 days before!! I have always been one of those pack the morning of my flight and run down the gate while the door is almost closed.
I spent a lot of time looking into all options about 1) car seats (check through or rent on other end)......ended up checking 2) A really nice rental car or u.ber from airport......got a super nice rental 3) how to get to airport on this end (drive or u.ber).....we drove 4) How many suitcases/backpacks to take, what to pack......checked in 2 suitcases and 2 carseats, took with us a stroller, diaperbag, and 2 backpacks. 5) If we did drive to airport, where to park that would make it the easiest.....ended up parking AT airport in VALET, didn't even know they had this.


My girl has been SO excited about this trip that I was determined to go, even with all of the planning, and if I'm honest all the anxiety about it. She had been talking for weeks about meeting her cousins and continuously asking me their names and ages....my 4 cousins have 12 kids between them.
The morning of the flight it worked pretty well with our schedule in that my son was able to take his nap and we left shortly after 1pm. No problem getting to airport and the valet was fantastic. We just drove up, they helped us onload onto a cart, and the valet guy even offered to walk with us upstairs to the ticket counter. There were no lines at the counter and no lines at security--woop woop!! Once we made it through we got to our gate and had time to sit down and open up our travel/activity backpack that our old nanny Amy put together.  It was great!!! stickers, things to push buttons on, but the best was a magnetic drawing board each of them had where the pen was strung to the board and they could erase with just a swipe of the lever. No batteries required. We got those out often during the flight.
The flight itself was great....and we got so lucky. I only purchased 2 seats--well, did frequent flyer miles, and the guy who was next to our 2 seats offered to move up so we had 3 seats all in a row. That was so nice because on the way home we had just the 2 and it really was scrunched.  It was good for my son because after I buckled him in, he didn't try to fight and just assumed he needed to sit there.

Reading before take-off

My girl was really into flying.....she looked out the window, was so excited to see the other planes, watch us take off, see the clouds and watch us go in them. Just the sparkle she had made it so fun for me.  Once we took off I spent most of my time occupying them. We had the activity kits and I went from thing to thing for about an hour and a half (flight about 2 1/2 hours).....then I fed them pre-packed dinner of lunchables, grapes, etc of which they really didn't eat much of.  After that they were getting somewhat antsy so I pulled out the big one....tablet with shows pb.s. kids shows and a few movies downloaded on, as well as my i.phone. I had purchased 2 kids headphones for both of them.  That pretty much took care of my girl, and my son on and off played with whatever I could.
Neither of them had issues w/ their ears on the way out, but for some reason on the way back my son had a screaming fit when we descended. He wouldn't eat or drink for a little while there so not much I could do.

We got in around 6:30, picked up our luggage, and loaded up a cart where I was pushing that with one hand and pulling my son in the stroller with the other....and asked my girl to just hang on!  That was probably the hardest because I was pretty sweaty (I had even put socks where my thighs sweat the most because I just knew I'd sweat) and we still had a 45 minute drive ahead of us.  I got a little testy w/ the kids when I was trying to install the carseats and load us all up with our gear.  But, once on the road it was just fine. No snow and the kids were still hanging in there. Decided to drive through mcd before getting to my uncles house since noone really ate dinner and we ended up getting there around 830pm.

I wasn't sure how the kids would react to being in a strange place but as soon as we pulled in to the driveway my girl got out and walked over the door where my uncle and aunt were.....and walked right in to them! Started chatting away as if she'd been there before and it was no big deal. Awesome. They were super excited and wound up so I didn't get them settled until around 10. They slept in one room and I slept in another next to them.

Thursday am we went over to my cousin that has the 5 kids. My girl started playing with kids in 5 seconds. Again, like she'd been there her whole life. There is 1 girl cousin out of the 5 and she is 6 years old.....so they bonded and were best friends the rest of the trip.  I couldn't have been more proud of how mygirl behaved....she was so charming, confident, protective of her brother, just so great.
Now my son on the other hand did fine, but his cousin not so much........the 5 kids also has a 2 year old. The 2 year old boy wasn't used to sharing anything since his brothers are much older, so he wasn't too happy. He kept taking my son's toys, pushing him, whining, fussing about what he was playing with. My cousin didn't really know how to handle other than tell him no no, etc.. He even said to her, "You dumb mommy"....I gasped at that one.  I am thankful we don't have the influence of older kids in our house yet.....those words not okay.
It was getting close to lunch and my son's naptime so I was going to take them back to my uncles (they live like 2 miles apart)....and my girl didn't want to go! She said she wanted to stay and play. My insides got anxious about it, but my cousin said she'd be fine, if she got scared they would bring her back over.  Would you know that my girl was SO fine that she stayed with them until it was time to drive to my other cousin's for our meal, AND she RODE with them over to it.  She was just so happy playing with her cousins....she kept saying how her girl cousin was her best friend, she loved her, she loved my cousin, etc...extrovert at heart.   I do have a confession.....if I'm being honest a very small part of me was like, mommy...chopped liver. Didn't my baby need me at all????  But, the biggest part of me was just SO thankful she adjusted so well and was having a blast.

My brother arrived when my son was napping and it really was good to see him. He doesn't look any different (he's a big guy 6'7", 300+ lbs) and as soon as I saw him I said, "My brother's here!". What was nice was that since my girl was at her cousins, my brother and I got to sit w/ my aunt and uncle and just catch up on the last several years of stuff......my dad, up north property, my sister, what my brother is doing--he is now a butcher, all that stuff.  It was kind of weird that my girl was somewhere and I wasn't paying for a babysitter!  That just doesn't happen here, so it made me realize the benefits of family or friends that you can have playdates with would be really nice.
My brother also met my son for the first time after his nap and it went just fine. My brother may be big, but he is so gentle and just has a way where kids love him. My son wasn't afraid at all. Just went about playing like no big deal.

We ate dinner at my other cousin's house, which was fine.....if I'm honest again, the food wasn't that great. Several gluten free dishes that just weren't good...my kids barely ate either. I kept pacing around trying to get them to eat and I was super anxious about it. It was hard for me to let go of the 'they should eat'....and since they weren't, I just kept worrying. My uncle, etc. said hey go sit, relax, eat.....well......I don't do that while my kids are eating, especially if they aren't!  Ultimately the pies were brought out and both of them had some of that.  It's funny I don't realize how much I rely as much on our schedule as they do until we aren't in it. I kept feeling anxious about 'we normally are doing X' at this time.  I consciously tried to just relax and have a don't worry attitude, but it was hard.
There were even more of the cousins at the dinner so it was loud and chaotic w/ that many kids. It was a lot for me, but I tell you my girl just kept up with them. Playing w/ all her new cousins. She just didn't stop the whole time we were there. I remember doing that when I was a kid with my cousin who has the five kids....in my grandpa's basement they had a bar where we would make drinks with soda/play bartender, and try to get the nickel that was glued into the bar off. My step-grandma would make popcorn balls and we would play bingo. My mom's real mom died of breast cancer when my mom was in her 20's I think. So sad because from what my mom always told me her mom was awesome. If anything like my mom, I'm sure she was.  We always used to visit my grandma's grave when my mom was alive and we went for thanksgiving. I never knew that grandma, of course.....and it was touching, but sad because my mom would take a wreath and usually would be shivering cold.....and she'd cry, I'd cry watching her cry.  Lots of memories and now we are creating the next generation of them.
I digress.....
After dinner and the kids were going wild--my son doing his best to avoid his cousin that wasn't so nice-- all of a sudden the power went out.  Never did come back on so we went back to my uncles and got the kids ready for bed. Actually by then we all were wiped out, so it was a good thing we had a reason to head back and get to bath and bed.
The one thing that the kids had SO MUCH FUN doing???? Stairs. Up down. Up down. Up down. over and over and over.....at all the houses. See, we don't have stairs at all, no basement and attic is a pull down set so this was so amazing to both of the kids. They just loved it.
We spent Friday going to another cousin with the two boys in the morning, then went back to the 5 kids cousin's house in the afternoon.  This is where it got worse with the 2 year old and my son. I knew from the day before I had to watch him carefully.....and my son was weary of him as well. Well, of course when someone was talking to me I took my eye off of my son.....pretty soon I hear screaming from upstairs. I ran up and found my son face down with his cousin laying on top of him--assume he tackled him.  I haven't been in this situation before.....I wanted to take that kid and throw him off of my boy....but I calmly said, NO NO, we don't do that and called his mother.  My son was scared to heck of him after that. Anytime he saw him he would run to me and hide. It was such a bummer. My cousin and her husband were at their wits end because he wouldn't leave my son alone. They tried taking their boy in to the other room, giving him timeout, etc and nothing worked. Later my cousin said they were so embarrassed. I can understand.
My son was so upset about it that when we went home on the plane a mom and a toddler boy went ahead of us. Once my son spotted that boy he stopped in his tracks, started crying, and would NOT go past that kid. Awwww, my poor baby.

This story is feeling long, so I'll wrap up by saying that Saturday morning came early, I was up at 4:45am, had already packed car night before and got the kids into it around 515. My uncle was up to wish us well on our trip back and my girl was very emotional leaving. She said a few times we should move there.  As we were getting ready to go she was crying her eyes out, ran back over, and hugged my uncle (who she called grandpa and my aunt she called granny). It was so sweet.
And, we were at airport at 6. I was so glad there were two rental car attendants because they had NO CARTS. I started to panic because I couldn't figure out how we would do this.....then one of them offered to drive us around and drop us off at ticketing. He even got out and helped take all of our stuff to the counter. So darn nice.
Flight home was bit harder because we did only have the two seats.....the kids were a bit more cranky because of all the action, it was so early in the morning, etc.  But we didn't have to wait in security and got on the plane with no problems at all--again!!Other than my son's ears, they made it just fine and once we got our car, loaded back up, we were home by 11:30am.  That was a good decision to come back Saturday because we had the rest of that day and all day Sunday to recover.

In summary, the logistics couldn't have worked out better, my kids couldn't have behaved better, I was so happy seeing how excited my girl was playing with her cousins, it was so sweet that she thinks of my aunt/uncle as granny and grandpa. I have to admit it was kind of weird for me since that's not what I've called them my whole life and part of me was like, do I like it? but I think it's good for her to have people she can think of when grandma/grandpa come up. I do tell her about her other grandpa my Dad, but she hasn't seen him since she was a baby. I liked reconnecting with my aunt and uncle....I did cry once when we were talking about my mom.  Funny how four year olds just say what they think......my mom came up and my girl pipes up, "yeah, she died. She had a disease". My uncle didn't really know what to say so I rescued and said yes, that's exactly right. Something that was kind of weird is no one really offered to help with much, like hey, let me help you unload the car, or even asking hey do you need anything, can I help you.....maybe they just assume I've got it, but I'll tell you it was exhausting chasing after my son non-stop for 2 1/2 days.  Good seeing my brother. My sister decided not to go because she wasn't feeling well. Too bad, but it was a short trip so it was fine. Logistics and planning all worked out well.
Overall I am SO proud of myself and happy with how it all turned out.
One for the books!! Maybe we'll make it a tradition of going.  I did realize how much I miss the landscape of wisconsin and my cousin lives in an area that I could absolutely see us living in....in fact, it is what I would want....rural-ish neighborhood, lots and lots of kids, nice houses, great schools,etc. But, I wouldn't move there for my extended family i.e. they are busy w/ their own lives.

Now for xmas we are staying here and my sister just booked her flight today to come from the 22nd-27th. Then I assume our old nanny amy will come visit closer to the new year. We will probably go to a candlelight service on xmas eve......but I am still needing to get a tree up in the house and decorate outside. Our current nanny put up our lighted snowman and a few yard things, but I wanted to do up the house w/ a ton of lights. I even called a few services but not one called me back. Will see what we can get done this weekend.
I was thinking back to last year and just how exhausted I was...a 3/1 year old, we had just moved into the house in august, sleep was hit and miss, my girl's tantrums were so hard to handle., my son was teething on and off for months. I think back and realize why it was so much....it wasn't just physically exhausting, it was mentally exhausting. At the time my nanny kept asking why we don't have a tree, etc.. and I just couldn't muster the energy. I think we ended up putting a tree up mid-december.
I'm feeling much more energetic this year and am really looking forward to the holidays. I already have presents starting to come for the kids and my sister. Go me!

One last story.....I am still working on finishing the remodel, etc. to the rental house. When we were there checking on things the other day an old neighbor driving by stopped to chat. She remembered us and when my girl was only a baby. Didn't realize I had moved and had another one, and now that baby is already 4 and my son is 2. Well, she starts talking and my girl walks over and they lady says, 'where did she get that curly hair'....for some reason my mind spun a little bit because my girl was right there and I said, "her Dad" (which I never say)...then I was starting to say her "donor father" when my girl shouts out, "I don't have a Dad!". I stopped for just a pause then said, you are right baby, we have a mommy, a brother, and a fatcat too. Then we just went on w/ the conversation.
I don't know what made me say 'her Dad' because it's not something I say, and not sure why I stumbled about it....and I don't usually say 'donor father' to someone we don't know well...I usually just say, ' her father'. It's really the first time mygirl has vocalized to someone else in front of me that she doesn't have a dad. I do think I handled it pretty well and I know there will be more times.....especially because she always gets comments on her curly hair. They look at me, then her....and of course they ask since I am fair skinned and light brown/blonde hair. She has more olive-y complexion and brown curly hair.
My plan is to be honest, not hide anything, and continue to answer in an age-appropriate way.

And finally, I still am amazed at my kids.....my girl said the other day, 'hey mama, I made a burrow (out of table and chairs....she moved the bench to make a hole at the top) and it keeps me safe from predators". And my son, on command he will now say MAMA. Hearing his little voice say mama just melts my heart. I ask him to say it everynight while we are reading. Sigh.

My girl is changing preschool classes in Jan. The director emailed back and said she could offer the 4 day a week class. That may be ok because my girl said out of the blue last week that she wants to try afternoons again. What? Cool.....so that's what we will do.

Always something!

A little of this, a little of that.....

I'm delayed again in writing new posts. I keep track on my phone of all the things I want to write about when I actually sit down and start typing.  It's a long list today :)

MY SON
Back to October.....We had a birthday!! My son turned 2. 2!!! He really really looks like a toddler/little boy. No more baby. He's growing, growing and he is just thick. He's got a round belly, fat little feet, still some chub on his legs. I--love--it. He's seriously Fred flin.stone when he walks. He's got a long torso, so wears 3T tops and 24mo-2T pants, size 4 diapers--don't think we are close to potty training yet.

For his birthday, I had planned no party party. Our old nanny came to visit along with my sister.....so of course we made a cake and had presents.  A couple of old work friends asked if they could stop by and I said sure. And current nanny was here too. So, what started out as a no party party...turned into a nice little group. The funny thing is, my son was SO NOT into it. He could care less about unwrapping gifts, he wasn't feeling that great, he was whiny, clingy...didn't think I would even get a picture with him smiling. His two's are far short of even being terrible....BUT......he is very much pushes to see how far he can go, he selective hears you and does the opposite, and boy is he stubborn. He's made an art out of the sit down protest cry.
The party was very short, but just fine.

Our old nanny made this cake...I thought it turned out so cute

On the speech front.....no bueno. The speech therapy clinic actually made a mistake when they said he had been approved for more visits. Actually the insurance denied it and I just got the letter. I was really surprised and disappointed to see this because he has a legitimate delay. But in the explanation it says it's not due to sickness, injury, or autism, therefore it is denied.  I will certainly appeal, but this is a first for me....knock on wood until now I haven't had anything denied that was needed.  He's still not using his words, still grunting, pointing, etc to communicate, but he is still using his signs for more and all done.

Guess what? We are nuni (pacifier) and bottle free in this house. Oh EM GEE!  All along I had been telling my nanny that when I go out of town for my work trip to Colorado (week of November 7th--yes election week) that she would have to manage taking away the nunies. The reason I did this was because she's the main reason we ended up having them.  Sometime during a teething phase she gave it to him, he liked it, and they stuck.  And I didn't take them away because nothing else was helping.  Anyway, it's not been totally smooth sailing.....going to bed at night is taking longer because he's still learning how to calm himself down...I see him putting his fingers in his mouth only a little, but I think that's fine. It's been a few weeks now and every night still when we go into his bedroom he lays on the floor and looks under his bed. I tell him, "no more nunies, you're a big boy now"....then when we are done reading, I hold him to go turn off the lamp...we used to put nunies in the basket...and he leans over to look. I say every night, "See, no more nunies, you're a big boy now". And that seems to satisfy him, even though he does cry when he lays down now.

My son knows his alphabet!  During one of our nighttime readings before bed we were looking at an alphabet book.  Just for fun I said, 'show me letter....A. He pointed to it.  I thought sure, good guess.  Okay.....'show me letter....F. Pointed right at it. Got it right again.  Now I thought it was a fluke....tried again. He got like 7 out of 8 right. I could hardly believe it!! And since then whenever I ask him letters he gets them right. Just awesome. Tells me that this stinker is processing everything, just not using words.  I think he learned a lot of it from Supe.r Wh.y on t.v. It's one of his new favorites. He used to be obsessed w/ George.....but not anymore.

We had the most heart bursting, amazing moment yesterday. I ended up going over to my girl's school (will explain that in a minute), but I had finished my meeting w/ the director and was walking towards the door when our nanny and my son were walking back in to pick up my girl.  Well, it's a long hallway and I spotted them way at the end.  As we got closer and closer to each other I started waving. I bent down on my knees and as soon as my son saw me, recognized me, and he processed it was me.......he got this MASSIVELY HUGE grin on his face, spread open his arms as wide as he could, and started running as fast as he could (toddling still a little bit), and ran into my outstretched arms and he just melted into my hug. I wrapped my arms around him and give him the biggest hug and kiss on the head. I actually started crying my heart was bursting so much.  I don't know why that moment struck me so much, but just to see his little face absolutely light up when he saw me, and to just come running into my arms......sigh......it was just.....joy.

My GIRL
I am really....really liking four.  My girl has just blossomed into a witty, at times hilarious kid to be around. She comes up with the most random, interesting things. Just the other day she says, 'Look mom...those are strata cumulus clouds', WHAT!  We were driving the other day and I was mentioning we should turn left, she said, 'that's West. And we were just driving North'.  HUH? She was totally right! How on earth would she know that. I didn't teach her that....and to get it right? We were reading a book and there was a garden showing brown as the dirt. She points at it and says, 'that's not right. It's supposed to be soil'. Okaaaay then.
The other day my son was being particularly whiny. We were at the dinner table and we looked at each other both shaking our heads. I said man, he's so fussy I don't know what's wrong with him. She says, 'I don't know either, I don't speak whine-ese'. !! HA. This kid just amazes me with what she absorbs, is able to articulate, and use things in the right context. I have to keep reminding myself she is only 4...and just 4 at that.
She read her first word!! RACK.  We had a book that breaks down words into....ACK, etc. and adds letters to make words RACK, BACK, SACK, etc... She learned to say ACK......then when we came to the R.....she says......Rrrrrrake. VERY close and I'm counting it because she totally got the concept. Also, she has a very good memory with books. Just tonight when I tried skip words to make it shorter she KNEW! and busted me. 'Mommy, you forgot some words'. Doh. 

We've had a bit of a go with preschool this year. I am just overall VERY disappointed with how things have gone.  It's a long story but what it boils down to is I am underwhelmed with her teacher. She lacks follow through, has consistently had trouble with email so I don't get school information timely, offered up to do daily reports so we could stay better connected and just only did a few. I talked to her on the phone the other day because I had sent an email asking why I was again, for like the 4th time now not getting information, and she was soooo awkward to talk to, wasn't focused, was taking my time on the phone to look at whether my email was included on the distribution (instead of doing that ahead of time). In my mind after that call I knew it was time to go back to the Director. I honestly worried that if her communication/follow up skills are that poor with me, how is that reflected in the classroom? As an aside my nanny is not a fan either. And my girl talks more about her teachers from last year STILL compared to her current ones.
Well, I met w/ the director the other day and came in with a list by date of all that's transpired this year starting back in September w/ the email misses, the lunchroom saga, the lack of communication/follow through on the daily notes, not even calling or sending a note after 3 days my girl was out sick (kind of just makes you feel like a number), and my most recent super-odd call with her while trying to follow up again on the misses.
Frankly, I just dont have time for that crap.  I don't have time to manage my kid's preschool teacher.
I hand it to her that she seemed to listen, was concerned that I suggested we might need to go to another school, was disappointed to hear about the ongoing lack of follow through and communication.  At the end of all of that she offered that we could see how things go after some redirection (not an option for me) OR put her in the other 4 day class OR perhaps the 5 day class (this is what I really wanted). I told her the 5 day was my preference. This is the teacher everyone raved about.....and considering my experience I now maybe know why people camp out to get that teacher. Hindsight 20/20....the lunchroom was a bust, so I probably should have just put her in the 5 day a week class (consistent schedule) from the beginning and have that be that.
Next Steps are she will get back to me by Nov 30 on whether the other 4 or 5 day is an option, and I will let her know what we decide by Dec 15. If we change classes we'll start that after the new year. 
The thing is, I called around to other schools and there isn't much option out there......they are full. One school wasn't even taking waitlists anymore. Sigh.  So, we'll see what she says and go from there.
My girl may be oblivious to all this 'background' noise I'm dealing with i.e. her experience is fine, she seems happy to go every day. BUT, if there's a chance to make it better for me, and maybe better for her....I'm going to fight for it.

ME
I feel like all I do is go to appointments lately.

Sleep--I've done my sleep study and they've determined I snore loudly (gee thanks) and I have mild sleep apnea. I have to go have a second study done where they use the machine to test it (I guess).  Ive got that scheduled for Sunday night.

Eyes--I went back to neurologist because while my eyes are much much better, they are still affected by the blinking (due to bleph.arospasm only diagnosis so far) while driving. No good. So, the option was to do boto.x around the eyes to see if it would help, as that's really the basic course of treatment. I decided to try it. 12 shots around the eyes. Ouch. Had this done a few days ago. They start you at a low dose in case you are sensitive to it and it's usually done every 3 months. I haven't noticed any improvement so either it will take awhile to work, OR the dose too low and will have to wait until next time. Also, he wants me to do a follow up MRI just to be sure nothing else shows up--he's not concerned but since it's been a year, just good to do. So, will go to that tuesday.

Hormones--I saw the endocrinologist a few weeks ago, talked about the major sweating (that's my biggest issue) and it's not just because I'm overweight. This all started after I gave birth to my girl 4 years ago and 25 lbs ago. When I get stressed I profusely sweat and it soaks clothes. They did a massive work up w/ blood study (like 9 vials) and I went in today to get the results....GOOD NEWS....it ALL was normal. Vitamin levels, kidney, thyroid, all of that.  So, the next step is to test corti.sol through a 24 hour urine and some other blood test checks for hormones. That will be in the next few weeks and I see them again after all that done.
Anxiety--my other Dr. adjusted my anxiety medication back down again (to what I was taking several months ago) and wanted to add something. However, in the backing down over the last few weeks I've actually felt much better!! So much so that I haven't added the other Rx. It's is so weird how all of this works.....just in the process of going up and back down, something has changed and I just feel much less anxious.  I'm just going w/ it for now.....we can always add later.

I am just addressing as many things as I can.....who knows all of this may be tied together, maybe not. But after just feeling lost about it, I went to primary a few months ago and she said look, let's address each thing, do a sleep study, go to an endo, and follow up with neuro. I followed instructions and we will see how everything continues to go.

I said no to Alaska job.

Preparing to take myself and my 4 and 2 year old on an airplane to the midwest for Thanksgiving.  I booked this back in July--for a lot of reasons.  Last Thanksgiving was rough--my sister had her skin surgery, and overall it was really stressful and kind of a downer. I really want my children to know their cousins (well, second cousins).....but ever since I mentioned doing this my girl has gotten so darn excited. She wants to go through all their names, their ages, etc.....over and over.
The flight is direct, 2.5 hours, and now I just need to finalize the planning/logistics. Do I take my car to the airport or get taxi, do I rent carseats or ship ours, etc.?? I decided to rent a car when get there because my aunt and uncle (my mom's only brother) live about 45 minutes from airport. As long as I can remember we ALWAYS went to Uncle Phil's for Thanksgiving. Even when my mom started getting pretty sick we still flew up there.  After she passed in 2008 I just couldn't bear to go, then went back in 2012 after my girl was born.....and now they get to meet my son.  It's great because there are a ton of kids. My uncle had 4 children and each of them had 3, 2, 2, and 5 kids.  A lot of them are aged 2-13.  I think it will be so fun for my kids to get to know and play with their blood relatives for a change!
I'm looking forward to it, even though it may not be easy.  It's important to me so gosh darn it, we are going to do it!! And have fun!!  And it's so great because my brother decided he will go.  He will finally meet his nephew too.  I haven't been able to talk my sister into going--she's only a 4.5 hour drive--she says she doesn't want to be social. I am still working on her.

US
Family pictures.....here are a few that were taken in October. I really really like how they turned out. The session fee was $250ish and that was for a 20 minute session at the park about an hour away and you got 10 jpegs, well actually 20....10 color and the same 10 in black and white. I think it was the perfect this for us. This photographer was recommended by my coworker who found her by looking for newborn photographers.

About me

I had been moving along here not too bad, or so I thought. Things have been tough over the last few months--poor sleep, kids on and off sick/not sleeping--having to manage the remodel at the rental--worrying about what to do about Alaska job--tweaking medications--thought I was handling it all ok.
But, I think over last few days I'm realizing I haven't been managing well enough at all. I'm really kind of limping right now and today, I wanted to just stay in bed or just go somewhere where I can just focus on me and my health.
I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What started this discovery interestingly enough was a conversation with my boss, well a few of them. I've learned that our group will be changing/reorganizing first quarter next year. No idea what that means for me personally yet but it brought back the feeling of job instability that creates a lot of anxiety for me. In addition, weve had  a couple of uncomfortable conversations where he thought I was thinking one thing but I was thinking something completely different.  It was surprising, but hes very hard to read so I don't really know where I stand with him other than I thought at a good place. It seems we don't communicate as well as I thought.
That's trickled into my worry about Alaska. I gave it my best to research as much as possible but found out last week the job would require 25% travel. That's one week every month away from my children. That became a deal breaker for me.
So I just sent him a note last night. He responded with--ok thanks. Not much to go off of here.

I've been spinning a little in this work stuff  recently and started thinking through, gosh am I doing anything that could have him misunderstanding? whether this does or not, I thought about work time. He's always been you do what you have to to get job done. Over the past few months I realized that I am coming in later and later. The main reason for that is trying to rest enough so my anxiety/depression doesn't get worse. Over the years I've learned that a main trigger for rough times is sleep problems--not enough, not quality, etc. and it doesn't take much for me to start feeling overwhelmed.
As an aside, I am getting a sleep study because a few people now say I sound terrible when sleep like something's wrong, super loud snoring, etc. suspect if I have apnea that is REALLY contributing to my current issues.

The thing is, I know that's what is going on, but HE doesn't. I haven't disclosed to our work nurse that I have a medical issue. It's funny that for some reason Ive just not felt comfortable bringing into workplace over the years. It's kind of ridiculous. I have a legitimate medical issue that flares and impacts my ability to function. Why am I withholding that info?
I answered that myself today in that I really think I can do it all. All the time. Sick or not, sleep or not, meds changing or not, whatever else or not.
Why do I put that much pressure on myself?

And now I worry that if I bring it up now (I don't have to tell him my exact condition of course) that he will think I'm using it as an excuse and should have maybe shared sooner. I learned recently that while he may not say anything, he is always thinking something.

I called in sick yesterday and half a day today because of feeling so stressed, overwhelmed, and  disengaged. I've burned through all but 3 days of my vacation because normally when I've felt this way I just use half days of vacation so I can sleep more.

In summary I think my approach to managing my depression/anxiety and fatigue isn't working. I've bandaided the problem by taking the vacation time to sleep but I never really felt better. I've started going into work later and later. I'm seriously limping along feeling so tired all the time, feeling stressed, eating poorly, feeling worse, sleeping worse because of caffeine to try and get energy.
Terrible cycle I've been in upon reflection.

So, that's why I decided to get a sleep study. And I did decide to call the work nurse today to just get her opinion on what I should do. I didn't name my condition with her either. Just what I'm trying to deal with. Her advice was to put my cards on table with boss. I think that's about all I can do at this point. So, I set up a meeting with him next week since he is out this week.
I see my psychiatrist on Friday--since clearly our tweaks haven't worked. Also my eye issue has been acting up (diagnosed only as blep.aro.spasm) and the tinni.tus (ear ringing) so I'm going back to neurologist and try the bo.tox injections recommended to treat eyes and see if he suggests doing anything further. Last year when we talked he said lumbar puncture would be next step for testing for autoimmune and I just don't know if I'm ready for that.

In a way the work stuff has contributed to things seeming to be worse but I do think that extra bit of pressure made me actually stop and reflect for a minute. I need to change something. I'm really just limping.
And I'm going to try my best.
That's all I can do.

Good Morning

Our nanny had to go to the Dr. office at 7:45am this morning so she wasn't going to be here for morning routine. She normally gets here at 7:00am. As soon as I realized this last night I had a moment.  For those of you who do this on a daily basis, you may be thinking, what's the big deal, right? I commend those who take their child/children to daycare everyday and get them dressed, pack their snack, brush teeth, comb hair, hassle them to get their shoes, get breakfast, get backpacks, get buckled in car, etc.  I am beyond thankful I have a nanny to come to our house in the morning. Especially after the one we had today.

My girl was up shortly after 7 and comes stomping in my room. She wanted to change some of her clothes. I told her she'd have to wait, which of course started the 'humph', arms folded, waaaah....over and over.  Then I started to hear my son waking up. As soon as I get up I have a nosebleed. I think because of all the fans in the house. Anyway, I try to take care of that, she's fussing.....he's fussing.  I think I get it to stop and go get my son out of bed and put him on the changing table. My nose starts to bleed again....Have you ever tried to change a diaper, while looking at the ceiling, and your child is kicking?
I had to reach over and get a wet-wipe for my nose, try to stop it again, meanwhile it's getting on my shirt anyway, he's crying, she's in the doorway fussing/crying.
It was a comedy show.

I was out of practice with getting my girl's schoolbag ready I had to ask HER to help me....hey babe, you need a snack? Yes.  Hey, what am I forgetting?  My waterbottle mom. Okay, what else? My folder needs to be in my bag....okay, check.
We finally get breakfast made and I happen to look at the clock. It took me so long to get them all ready that I only had about 15-20 minutes to get myself ready.

Good news we made it to school in plenty of time. I had to hold super tight to my son's hand because he wanted nothing to do with mama holding it.  He almost just sat down a few times while we were walking into school--silent protest.  Tuesday is chapel day so I got to take both of them in and participate in the service (it's like 15 minutes). I enjoyed it, however, my son was pretty squirly.  My girl was saying she was sad and was going to miss me. Sigh.

After the service she joined her class and off she went. I took (dragged) my son to outside where our nanny came to pick him up. Then I was off to work!!

To say it was a full morning would be accurate.  Tomorrow morning I will go back to lie down when nanny gets here and just say.....aaaaaahhhhh.  Between 7-8am is the only time during the work week when I am not either working or taking care of my children. I know some don't even get that break, but for me, it's my time to just exhale fully and let someone else be in charge.

App

Its frustrating to figure out that my app for this blog no longer works. I did an upgrade to my phone and now there are bugs in the app where it just ends and closes right in the middle of whatever I was typing. I researched and it seems there isn't a new one out there and the only way to post is to log in on the website. If I have this incorrect, someone please share. It's certainly not as easy to do it this way on a phone.

Today is Saturday and we had a pretty good day. I'm finding now that the kids are a bit older it is starting to be easier taking both of them out. My girl can actually listen and follow instructions pretty well while my son, well, he's a toddler. I still have to carry a big diaper bag, hold him because he doesn't like holding hands, sometimes screams and sits down if I try. Now I didn't say it was easy--I  watch them both like a hawk the entire time.

As we were driving down the road close to lunchtime, my girl pipes up, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"....I say, "I'm not sure, what are you thinking?". She says Jas.ons de,li.
Ha!! She knew what direction we were going.

I don't want to jinx things but I think I'm going to like 4. Great big sigh of relief. We have had so many less tantrums and fussies, and she's acting with me more like how she acts with nanny all the time. I think she's hilarious. Her creativity--the costumes she dresses up in, her way of expressing herself, her quick wit, her loving hugs and I love you's, she has just been delightful to be around. We are having real conversations and I am SO enjoying them. At night after reading she sits in my lap right before bed. It's one of my favorite times of day because there is no tv, it's just us, she's totally relaxed in my lap, and we just talk. And talk again once she's tucked in and I lay next to her.

School has not been very smooth since starting. Not just that she's been sick but we've had a big issue with the two long days. The lunchroom--she's super scared of it.
Communication with the teacher has been pretty hit and miss--she didn't use my correct email for several weeks even after telling her to fix, and not super impressed with how the lunchroom shook out. We discovered there was an issue when nanny a few weeks ago was going to take out her lunch bag and my girl didn't want her to. Come to find out she barely ate anything.  We also got a note in her backpack that said maybe she should change to a different afternoon class one of her morning teacher leads 'so she isn't so upset'. Ummm huh? Why would you send that home in a note? Why was she upset? (This was before we knew about lunchroom).
So called school after the note, director agreed to look in on her and let's see how goes for following week, my girl started verbalizing lunch was scary and loud. After the backpack incident I asked her what made her so upset? Why didn't she want nanny to see her lunch bag? I said it was ok to be scared, tell a teacher. Then she asks me if I ever was scared at lunch? I said oh yes, but I kept trying (good story). She also just kept saying she missed me.
I then asked director if she could at least sit with morning teacher at lunch to help her adjust. They agreed to that but sure enough this past week for some reason she wasn't in the lunchroom (no prior communication) Then on one of the mornings she was so sad during drop off, was clinging to nanny, and ran after her when she left the room. She didn't even do that in her 3 year old class.

I said enough this past Friday. She's only 4. I don't want this scary lunchroom to make her not enjoy school and want to go. I knew that was absolutely the right decision when I talked with my girl about it and asked her if she would like to only do short days? She said no lunchroom? And when I said no she got this super-wide smile, her shoulders relaxed, she just looked so relieved.
So next week we start just mon-thurs mornings only. Fine by me.
I also hope they do a better job of communicating. Sheesh. It's so strange how different our experience is this year than last. This teacher is very different--not super engaging.

Along with that we had a birthday, I had a tenant move out and leave a bit of damage so now have to line up contractors, and my boss asked me what I thought of Alaska. There's an opportunity there he wanted to know if I was interested in discussing--and tell him by Monday. What?! That was a big curve ball....and a tiny part of me got excited and another big part said--I'm tired. Tired of moving, tired of starting over, tired of building my brand all over again. I'm a single mom to a 2 and 4 year old. I have a lot of responsibility. Most likely won't put my name in hat. Guess I should be happy they even asked.

Pre-K 4

We are officially back in school! My girl started last Tuesday. Her schedule is mon and thurs 8:45-11:45. Then tue and wed 8:45-2:30. Her two afternoon specials are books and cooks where they read books and make recipes and the other is gardening. They already planted pumpkin seeds!

It's been a relief how much easier it's been heading to school now that we had the 'first time' back in January. She didn't have any tears and neither did I the first two days. She was comfortable with the school, knew the basic routine, and seemed happy to be back.  She says often she loves school--I'm thankful for that. Also, I was so proud that I was prepared ahead of time and ordered one of the signs for going back to school. It was really cute but ended up reflecting sun so I had to take a pic separately to be able to read it. Best intentions. Sigh.

I drove her to school the first two days along with nanny and brother. I had only planned on driving the first day but that night she looks up at me in bed and says, "mama you're going to take me tomorrow too, right?". Of course I couldn't say no to that face.

On the first day we ran into one of the mothers I chit-chatted with on 'meet the teacher day'.  I looked down and said, "oh did you have your baby?" She looked at me kind of funny and said yes, two years ago. Then it clicked, I mistook her for another mom I had met in my girl's old 3 year classroom. Uh woops! I apologized but at least she knew the other mom I was talking about.

On the first day as we were walking to her classroom a boy was screaming in the hall not wanting to go in. Like really screaming. As we walked by my girl covered her ears and it made her a bit nervous, rightfully so. They should have taken him out and tried again. 

Once we got to her room she put her things in the cubby while the teacher's helper told us how things were supposed to go each morning. I was sweating, of course. I gave her a big kiss and hug and she walked in the room. She looked a little apprehensive so the helper told her she could play in the kitchen area. And off she went to sit next to another girl.

And that was that!

We weren't totally tear free. She was in school all but ONE day and got a scratchy throat Wednesday night. Thursday I almost kept her home because she sounded bad with coughing but she really wanted to go, so we let her. But, since not feeling well she was so emotional. After she hugged me to go she just couldn't hold it in and burst out crying that she was going to miss me. Real tears. Oh it made my heart hurt and tears to my eyes to see her so sad. I hugged her good and told her it would be okay. I was left in my own tears that day.

Then she was still sick this past weekend: fevers, coughing, sore throat, runny nose, so today when she woke up with fever so I kept her home. Meanwhile my son got a version of it starting last thurs or so and I picked up a fiery scratchy throat last night.

Welcome back to school.

Funny story: the two were in the bath the other night and I saw two small bruises on my girl's  legs. I asked her where she got them? She says, "I don't know. It just happens when you get old. I'm four." Rolling laughter on that one.

My son is starting to make more sounds, yay!! He's saying cack cack for what does a duck say? Meeeee for what a kitty says. We got the approval to continue therapy so will get that scheduled. We also had his hearing checked just to make sure nothing was coming across muffled, etc. 

Hearing is just fine. The dr said she sees a lot of speech delay kids, boys, my sons age. Speaking of age, he will be 2 next month! He's all into climbing. EVERYTHING. Chairs, the sink, tub, the counters....whatever he can get to. I have to close the doors in the rooms we are playing otherwise I can pretty much bet I'll chase him into the kitchen where he's attempting to scoot the chair to get on the counter. 

At the hearing test dr.

As for me, I'm doing okay. I decided to go back to my old dr who doesn't take insurance anymore (boo) because I saw him for about 10 years before I moved. I really respect this dr.  If I look back my anxiety was fine during pregnancy, big dip after birth of my son (also in combination with trying restricted diet), then I went on generic for about a year because insurance changed. The generic didn't seem that bad, but that's what is so tricky about anxiety--my worries feel so normal.  For example, I would worry excessively about taking work trips, driving while away, etc. I just chalked it up to...well, I have kids, I worry more, etc. but then realized wait, I'm worrying a lot more. Long story short went back to brand a few months ago (had to talk her into it) and I saw some improvement but I haven't been too sold on this dr.  So decided to just pay out of pocket and see my ten year dr. He wants to try different dose and see. 

I know I've talked about this some on here, but not a lot. I share mostly about the kids, etc. so even typing this out  makes me feel vulnerable in a wierd way. Agh, if I decide to later I'll just erase it.

My sister is coming for my sons birthday, she did not make it for my girls. Too many people staying at house, she said. So, before she booked her flight I told her I'll have one person staying this time. Her response? she immediately said she's not coming. Then said maybe she didn't want to come. This is the kind of thing that over time makes me think she is just unreliable. you say you want to come, then come. Shouldn't matter who's here because it's for my son! One step forward two steps back.

Good news work is going fine, I'm also working on some house projects like solar screens (long story here) and other things I need handyman to help. He should be coming this weekend.

Hope we all start feeling better and my girl can go back to school tomorrow!!

4th birthday!!

I only posted once in August. I don't know what happened other than I was very tired in the evenings when I usually blog. So many a night I said, self--you need to blog. And frankly just ignored myself and rested instead.

Now I have to say her birthday was last month already!

I want to talk about my son first. Things are a changin'. He's 23 months now and i think he's in a growing/ developmental phase. Night time routine is out the window. We go to bed at 7 and it used to be bottle with rocking, put in bed, he went to sleep. About a week ago I introduced reading every night and tried no bottle so it was read, rocking, bed....and that resulted in scream scream wailing until I go back in there and hold him in rocker, on and off screaming until about 8. Then I tried adding bottle back in so read, bottle and rock, bed. Still screaming. It seems he just wants to be held so I oblige. As long as I can keep my girl occupied the additional rocking/holding has helped.

Not sure if it was the change in routine or just where he's at developmentally but I've been a bit surprised because unless he's sick or teething laying him down for bed hasn't been an issue.

On the go: He's into everything that's not a toy. It's like he's early toddler all over again because I have to chase after him and keep him out of everything. Worse now because he's faster. I don't remember it being like this with my girl. Once she got past the initial exploration phase she kind of stuck around me. Him??? He's off in a million directions, dumping things out( favorite is the recycle bin-he LOVES that thing--and has learned where the garbage bags are so gets multiple at a time to 'change' it. He even drags the full size can around, takes lid off, stuff out, bag out, lid on, stuff drug around, lid off, etc). On the flip side he LOVES to pick up so will usually dump, pick up, and dump some more. It's exhausting keeping up with him. I'm wondering if that's what they mean when they say "he's all boy".

He also loves to help mama. It's so cute when I'm in the shower he comes and pulls down my towel to give to me.

Communication--seeing some progress. In the last few weeks he's learned to shake his head no. And knows what he means. Do you want a banana? Shakes head no. I've really liked this one because  it cuts down the guessing game.

The other surprising thing I learned is that he knows and can do way more than I thought. For example, since I started reading every night I started asking him--where is the kitty, etc and he points to it! He learned how to make a dog panting sound (sign language for dog) and is trying other sounds. It's not that we've not read before--he's always flipped through books and I would read in the mornings when he got up so early--but during the day he is just not interested to sit and read. What's cool about where he is at is we are interacting through the books and that is new for us. It surprised me and I tell him how proud I am. It made me realize he really understands way more than I assumed. Although he's always been pretty good about following directions.

He's still not verbalizing more words yet. He's making new/more sounds which is good. He says haaaaa for hot. He says mmmmmm for more and moo. He can say mama but it's usually strung together

Mamamamamama. And he still says Bom-Bom clear as day at the end of our songs. We've had 10 speech therapy appointments already so are waiting for the authorization from insurance to continue.

Tantrums--they are here. And he gets so mad. Throws himself down. Just the other night he had one when I came home after work where nothing would calm him down. That was new. I feel bad for the little guy and just tell him he's having a tantrum, shhh-shhhing to try and help. They aren't near the frequency his sister had so for now it's manageable.

He's a persistent little bugger. He's obsessed with moving the chair from the table over to the counter and trying to reach things up there. Mainly the phone my girl watches Pb s kids on. Obsessed. After getting him down like 5 times the other night I had had it--I put all the chairs outside and put the recycle bin up on the counter.

For all the learning and changes he's going through he still is a loving little boy. He snuggles (although less often) but when we do its like he just melts onto my lap. Tonight he was running his chubby little hand up and down my arm when we were rocking....love.

My girl----oh what changes. Since she turned 4 no more bottles. And it really wasn't much more than a blip for her. After her birthday she asked in the morning a few times but I told her she's 4 now and we don't have bottles when we're 4. She seemed satisfied with the answer but did say she still wanted to be three. Ha. She pretty much stopped asking for them and it's been just fine. 

The other barely a blip thing for her was sleeping in big girl bed!!!!! It took awhile after it was delivered because silly mama, I hadn't thought to order any bedding! Well that's not totally true I thought the day before her party I would go to the store, buy bedding, and call it a day. Well I've learned selection is poor at many stores and I'm probably going to have to get online--I really want to decorate her room something cool. So our old nanny mailed a twin bedding set from when her daughter was little that they don't use anymore. That's on her bed until further notice.

So her new bed was there for a few weeks before she slept the night in it. She started taking rest time in it and think   was just ready to make the switch when I finally put blankets on it. My nanny ended up buying the waterproof mattress cover as the last piece to have it ready for her.

No problems at all and it's been maybe a few weeks now that she's been in it. She's fallen out once the other morning but was fine.

Something I didn't realize would be such a benefit? Even the twin has room for me to snuggle next to her when I put her to bed. She likes that I hold her hand and that's been part of our routine for awhile, but now I can do it laying next to her. I think we both really like the connection.

We had meet the teacher from 10-11 at her school this past Thursday. We are going to the same school and I'm glad about that. It starts day after Labor Day.

I'm not sure yet on the teacher--she's not as 'warm' as I would like but her helper is super warm, so maybe they balance out. My girl for a few weeks has said she doesn't like her new teacher when we talk about school starting up. Now that she's met her she says she's ok. Whew.

Met a few parents the same day but I find its kind of wierd--same as her last 3 year old class--parents kind of stick to themselves. I introduced myself to a woman who's son will sit next to my girl. She was nice, we had a little small talk, but no one else introduced themselves, even those standing close by. I even went up to another mom to start a conversation and she looked like a deer in headlights. Maybe she was an introvert who knows. I am too but at least I tried. I was sweating the entire hour! These things stress me out it seems. Although it could also have been my son running in 15 directions.

I just hope they have nice, solid kids. 

Unlike at our park last weekend where a boy was holding a toy gun yelling NO at my children for wanting to cross the bridge. You can bet I was up in less than  1 second telling him not gonna happen. And again, where was his mother or father?!

Her birthday!!!!!!! My baby turned 4. She's definitely taller, more verbal, some days more attitude.....but I'm thinking that we are on the cusp of less tantrums and fussies. She's starting to learn to play more independently which is great to see. She loves crafty arty things like coloring, painting, play-do, stickers, etc. She got a play do bake kit for her birthday and loves that thing--makes us many different cakes to try and will cut us pieces and serve. She's also a bit of a tom girl because she loves running (and insists on wearing her running shorts and tennis shoes most days), being active, soccer, playground, swimming, you name it. We've had fun with the Olympics and she and I watched our fair share of gymnastics, swimming, and diving. I like that we connect on sports because I played many sports throughout junior high and highschool, and collegiate volleyball. I continued to play competitively until about 2006 when after about 18 years, knee and back trouble and a shoulder surgery later got me. 

I've totally digressed. 

The party--turned out overall very nice. Small enough but enough people there, just the right amount of decorations, a few light snacks and drinks, and of course her awesome bakery rainbow cake. Thanks to the reader who offered a recipe--I'm way too novice to make a cake.

What I hadn't planned on was the amount of work it took to get the house cleaned and organized. I thought it could easily be done on Saturday/Sunday with party on Sunday afternoon. Probably should have started sooner. I've learned the hard way why people have parties AT places other than home.

Also, I find taking pictures stresses me out because I'm so focused on capturing the perfect moments that I don't feel I experienced it as much as I wanted to. Next birthday I need to delegate. 

The party was short 2-4, no games but we did unwrap gifts. I know she enjoyed herself.

My son? Napped 30 minutes that day because he was woken up by old nanny putting ice in tub and was extremely fussy. Sigh.

Can't post this long without mentioning some hilarious things she's said. We read a book about Spider-Man and in it they say he shoots his web. It's turned into a little joke and game with us where when we are in the car she says.... Spider-Man shoots his....car! Then I say Spider-Man shoots his....tree! Or whatever we think of or see. So I said, Spider-Man shoots your brother. She says right after that....Spider-Man shoots his penis!!

I could not stop laughing on that one.

And leave it up to a 4 year old--an older gentleman was running past us on our walk to the park. He was nice, talked to the kids and as soon as he's a bit ahead of us she says, "hey, his outfit doesn't match"!

Next time I will talk about the two books I read and how I've taken on some of their advice. It has really really helped me stay more calm and focused when she misbehaves. And it's helped me learn how to do calm down (time out) a better way.

And finally--some pictures from the party

Oh yea one more thing that's new...my girl is totally into dragging things around with her. These two have been in the bath, dinner table, made beds next to her with their own blankets, pillows... And let's not mention what happens when she can't FIND ducky.....oh boy.

And yes ducky's beak, hat and Tata's hands are all chewed.

Holding on.

I'm in preparation mode for my girl's birthday. 4 years. I know she's a big girl and all....but I'm desperately trying to hold on to her babiness. I don't know why and I didn't think I would be like this--at all.

Here are some things that still happen: I let her drink out of a bottle for comfort (yes she drinks out of a cup), I still have her changing pad on her dresser, and she still sleeps in her crib.

I've known for awhile that I need to address these things but I've been a big advocate of--don't fix what's not broken. It hasn't bothered me (now my nanny is another story. Drives her batty that I let my girl have a bottle). 

BUT,

I finally made the move and I ordered her a big girl bed. They are going to deliver and set it up this Friday. It's timely for many reasons 1) she's almost 4 2) she's been climbing out of it for a long time now 3) it's finally falling apart. After several moves, 4 to be exact, it hadn't been put back together correctly a few times over. The railing stopped going up and down and it was barely hanging on. Just last night I saw a screw on the floor and a metal piece hanging so said forget it, I need to take the side railing off.

I can't believe it but I cried looking back at the bed without the rail and it leaning up against the wall. Came out of nowhere.

I need to embrace the process of her growing up all the way around and for the most part I do ie how I treat her, my expectations of her, etc. it's just these few lingering things.

I researched and researched beds for her. Given her room size and layout I decided on a daybed. It also made me feel better she'd be protected on 3 sides. There are some pretty poorly made beds out there so I continued to search until one popped up that I said--that's it! It was not cheap and then add on the mattress. But I splurged on it because I think it will be so cute--and its her birthday gift from me.

I showed her a picture of it the other day and she looks and says, "mom it looks like a couch". Sigh. Maybe she'll get more excited when it comes.

We've had yet another wave of sickness lasting the last 3 weeks or so. Started with both if them fevers, my girl got itchy bumps all over but dermatologist said virus, my son got croupy cough, junky cough, then vomit session one morning, and lastly my girl got a sore on the inside of her lip that I thought was canker but wasn't healing. Took her to dr and wouldn't you know--still virus!

Nanny used dr visit as opportunity to say SEE--dr says no bottles too. It was written on the take home note.

One thing at a time, I say.

Family drama still continues as my estranged sister reached out and said we need to buy her out of property because she's going to file bankruptcy. She pulled this last year and that's the last I've talked to her. I told my dad last year since he set this up he needed to deal with it. He did call and he said he told her no one has that kind of money sitting around. That's the last I've heard about it until now.

Trying to use my work legal plan to get a consultation on what our options are. I got ahold of one today and he really wasn't helpful and said he would have to charge to give any specific info. Not really  how it's supposed to work so left a message with another one.

Will see.

Our old city babysitters and two of their kids are coming Thursday night. That's all I had planned ( and nanny of course) to be at her birthday but had lunch with old coworker and she asked when it was so she coming--and she asked if another of her friends could come that also has a 4 year old.

And I saw another old coworker this past weekend that just moved back to town and she coming with her almost 2 year old. And another old coworker may come too.

Looks like it IS going to be a bigger party. I told them all to keep low expectations.

At least we have a theme--rainbows--my girl has talked about her birthday ( we started counting around 120 days away) and has mentioned over and over she wants a rainbow cake. So we will.

I ordered rainbow hats, plates, napkins, and tablecloth. She also wanted the blowy things that make noise. And it's all here!! 

My sons speech therapy going well I think. I like the girl we are with now. She seems to be pretty knowledgeable and my son likes her. He's already learned and uses signing (more/all done) and is trying to make sounds....more is mmmmm. We go twice a week and for now it's good.

Since the sickness we've had some really really rough bedtime routines with my girl. And I've had to take a step back because consequences like no bottle, no tv---not. Working. I've done some research over the years and she seems to fit into what some are calling spirited child. You know if you have one--wants to test everything for themselves, strong sense of right/wrong, sensitive, highly emotional and can happen quickly at times, intelligent. Basically normal parenting things like time outs etc don't work because these kids need help expressing their emotions and working though them.

I've learned this the hard way. Sometimes a consequence does work and it makes her decide to behave differently but sometimes adding consequences just ratchets it up and it escalates to nothing left to take away.

That's when I feel helpless like, now what?! We are both left frustrated, no one feels good, and I've really hollared which I don't do very often.

This has happened last two nights where during bath time I've given a warning, no change, some more behavior like pushing her brother, I say no bottle. Tantrum starts and I warn take away tv time next. Screaming and kicking so take tv. Full on meltdown for rest of bath. And there we sit.

Something clicked last night where I just said--duh, my approach isn't always working, I need some more tools.

So I am going to order a few books based on reviews. Maybe I can understand better why she behaves certain ways, what some of it means (other than I failed at something), and how I can approach differently if what I'm trying isn't working. These episodes happen much less frequent now that she's closer to 4, but I still feel like I need to get a better handle on them.

Lots more to come.

Grateful

This past Monday morning a friend I've known for 15 years--her mom passed away. Her story very similar to mine in that her mom had cancer, came to live with her, was in remission, then it came back in a bad way. She watched her mom wither away, helplessly....grateful that the end was near for the relief, crushing sadness for the loss she was about to have, and guilt for having those feelings.

I've been there and it's life changing. I've supported her the best I could, offered to go out there, be a shoulder, tell her I've been thinking about her.

The one thing that people used to say that bothered me even though they meant well was "let me know what I can do".

Here's the thing--mostly there's nothing you can do, I dont even know what I need, and it just felt empty to me, like we both know you aren't going to do anything but don't know what else to say. The other thing was "how are you doing"? Ummm when someone is dying the answer is not fine or ok. It's terrible but people get uncomfortable when you say how you really are.

So, I've learned through my experience to a) just say hey, checking in on you and b) can I do (insert specific thing). Can I go to grocery store? Etc.

c) just ask outright what they are comfortable with.

She said today that she can't talk about it without crying and crying. I didn't have the heart to tell her that most likely it will be a long time before that happens and the worst is yet to come. Right now it is so new.

On monday afternoon I went for my annual mammogram and I was in the waiting area with a woman with a shaved head and a 5 month old baby boy. She said she he had 3 older sisters.

My heart just sank. Here was this woman, mother, battling cancer holding her infant son. They were talking about being able to go home pending outcome of this scan. I assumed they were from out of town. What was at least good to see was husband, mom, and grandma were there with her.

Moments like these two make me just stop and be grateful. I went home and gave up thanks that I have my children and we have our health--they got even more hugs and kisses. And it's just a big huge reminder that we can't take our time for granted. 

Then there was petty (petty considering the statements I just made above) family drama. I had mentioned that my dad had given us some property as inheritance and only my sister and I pay on it (taxes, etc) and my brother/other sister do not (although my brother just did today surprisingly) I had gone back to my dad to ask him if he would pay for my brother and other sister's portion. He said he couldn't afford it. BS. He makes take home from 2 pensions more than my brother does 3x over and has been paying it for last 30 years. It's made me pretty upset. I haven't talked to my dad for awhile. So my sister and I have been looking into selling it and contacted two realtors. Thing is, my sister told me she's not ready to sell. We grew up going there every summer and a lot of memories there. My mom's ashes were sprinkled on the island in middle of the lake.

Part of me doesn't want to sell either. But, it's not a good financial investment and I'm paying for something I don't use.

Most likely we will keep through next year and then see.  Only if I moved back to the Midwest I could see myself spending time there with my kids.

What this triggers for me is that my dad did what was easiest for him--got two birds by wiping his hands of paying anything more now and also calling it inheritance--and not what was easiest or in best interest of us. He could have asked us first? I literally got an envelope in the mail--surprise you are now a 4-part owner. He could have researched tax implications of gifting versus inheritance (HUGE by the way)? He could pay for the upkeep/taxes since he can afford it? But no.

It's a trigger for me because it's exactly how he handled things with my mom. Unilateral decisions, abandon when things get tough--my mom lived with me when she was sick for a year and a half and he came down maybe twice. No support--physical, emotional, or financial.

He did send me a card after she passed saying he just couldn't do it and thanked me for it....most of me felt that he didn't even try and too little to late.

And today my sister and I got into the most real conversation we've had in two years. She's been chronically ill for much of that time and self medicating. She's going to a therapist now and is working on herself. We finally addressed the text she sent me at 4 am months ago saying she was upset she is not my children's guardian. I laid it out there that I think she is unreliable. I've never actually told her that before. I've used words like emotional/unstable....but it just boils down to when the going gets tough she falls apart and isn't there for me. Pattern of behavior. It may hurt her feelings but I'm clear that her being a guardian is not in the best interest of my children. At least the way things have been over the years.

Very emotional stuff here. I'm proud of myself for just staying even and trying to stay logical about some very sensitive issues--that frame of mind has helped.

I think with the events of the week some old wounds have surfaced but  I think I'm handling okay.

On a very positive note, I kind of got mad about how things went w counselor so decided to take things into my own hands and downloaded a fitness app. I wanted to start simple so I'm just focusing on counting calories. I've been doing it for almost a week and I've found that:

--it's easy to track with the app and dare I say kind of fun.

--I have an awareness that now with a goal of 1800ish calories just how much I was eating before.

--I'm already eating more fruits, vegetables.

--I've cooked!! and brought my own lunch/snacks to work a few days instead of raiding the cafeteria.

--the beginning of weight loss doesn't feel good physically: been tired, at times super hungry. But I'm figuring out what makes me feel good, keeps me full longer, worth my calorie spend, etc.

--I'm not agonizing over it. I'm just doing it. When I think too far ahead I say--just focus on what you can do today.

--it doesn't feel like a diet. I'm not restricting types of food I eat. Just making a calorie puzzle of my food.

--I was inspired by several things I've read over and over in a blog and articles that say don't lose weight in a way that's not 'real life' and maintainable.

So, thank you counselor. You've helped me by not helping me.

And finally, I had a review with my financial advisor today. I wanted to see what would it take to stop work or work part time by the time my son enters kindergarten. We went through all my 'stuff' and he is going to get back w me on the plan. He may say it's not doable, but I'll say--strong will can make a lot of things happen.

On my blog I usually focus on parenting and kid stories, etc but guess I needed a detour today. 

I will say that I am so proud. My son is 21 months old and went poopy on the potty for the first time today!!!! Nanny put him on the other day mid-potty so I don't think that really counts. But today he just had that look and was grabbing his diaper. I said lets go potty and we all went in there, I put him on the little seat, and he did it!!! My girl and I clapped wildly for him.

His first speech therapy appointment tomorrow. I wasn't too impressed with the one who did our eval so I asked for a different one. Will see how goes.

We don't have a daddy

I've wondered since before conception about when my children will notice our family is different. What will they say? How will they say it? Although even typing that our family is different seems odd because SO many families are nontraditional. I digress.

I knew eventually it would come up but I wasn't expecting it at 3.

Tonight we were reading a book called pumpkin day. It's about a family of 4 rabbits--mommy, daddy, Trudy, and jack.

About a few pages in we see this.

She says--we have two of those (points to the kids) and a mommy but we don't have a daddy. I just paused wondering if she would ask or say anything else......

And she just went right on with the story.

Really not even a blip for her. She said it simply matter of fact. At least for now, that is. 

My thoughts around this even when she does question why is to simply say our family is made up with mommy, brother, you, and cat of course and we don't have a daddy in our family. Very simple.  It's obviously the norm for us so my goal is to keep it that way and keep it a blip--just not a big deal. I'm certain it will change over time for them but for now we are good.

She does have her fourth birthday coming next month. She is obsessed. This kid talks about her birthday every day. Her big thing is she wants a rainbow cake and noise makers that flip out when you blow through. I've had to tell her for a few months that her birthday is far away because she wanted to know if it was today? Is it today?! Like everyday.

She says "I'm gonna be 4 on my birthday" whenever the number 4 is mentioned or August. It's amazing how often those words are used.

Our old babysitter, other old babysitter and her girls--the ones my girl still talks about after a year of not seeing them--will come and stay with us for the weekend. I think that's all we will do. My sister decided too many people in the house so is not flying down.

I am planning for a few decorations, cake, and some rainbow crafts.

She still comes up with the best stuff. We were laying next to each other on the couch and she leans over to give me a kiss. Then she says "Mommy you bandage my finger when I get hurt. You cook dinner . You let me go to the swimming pool. You are a great mom." Then kisses me again on the forehead.

This was totally unprompted and so unexpected. Isn't that so awesome?!

The other day she looks up at me and says, "you are my big, huge, loving mom". Love this kid.

My son. 

So we ended up having to do another speech eval because any private insurance one wouldn't accept the state eval. So we've already done it and surprise surprise he is showing speech delay. I wasn't overly impressed with their eval or methods they talked about for therapy--just seemed so basic. Like repeating words, etc. we do that at home. I've been dragging my feet on getting regular therapy appointment scheduled but I suppose I should.

I truly think my son has learned that he doesn't HAVE to talk to get what he wants. He uses a combination of 'ah' and pointing. Multiple ah's, high pitched ah's, etc. and he understands everything. Tell him to go get x, or do x, and he's got it. He's even starting to anticipate. Yesterday I had something and was going to throw it away. He runs over to the trash and opens it, I throw, and he closes it.

I tried to see if I forced him to say something to get what he wanted could he do it? Before bed I get him a bottle. He was reaching for it and I said, "say baba". After about 5 times of me asking guess what that turkey said?! Baba.

Even with that I think still worth therapy so I have to just get on it.

Poor baby is sick again. We had a pretty good break when preschool let out but for about a week now they both had fevers. I took my girl to dermatologist because she had eczema flare and major tiny bumps all over--virus they say.

And my sons has gone to his chest with croupy and junky cough and stuffy head.

He's also got mommy-itis.when I'm getting ready in the morning if he hears me say I need to take a shower he runs to my room--and cries if nanny takes him out. When I'm heading out for work he runs to back door that I leave out of and just cries. 

Poor kid.

Me.

I do need to find another therapist. After the things I mentioned in last post she had another call off--said she was sick, dr. told her stay home. So out of 6 scheduled appointments she's missed 2.

I really need someone more reliable and organized. Last visit she asked me how much I owed her because she doesn't keep track of that stuff. Uh no. 

There isn't a perfect person out there but this lady turned out to not even be adequate. Back to drawing boards.

I will say that me getting frustrated about my experience has been good in a way because even though I wanted support to take the reigns of my weight/health, it really does boil down to no one will do it for me. There may be some elusive reason why it's been such a mental block for me but part of me gave me some tough love and said suck it up. It gave me a spark at least.

I'm rethinking about joining a program. Haven't committed but I'm leaning more now.

Other than that I started back on brand medication and feel better. I do notice less anxiety which is a relief. Also, I'm back to taking just a regular over the counter vitamin and overall I haven't felt too bad.

However, this getting older thing is for the birds. Not sure I've mentioned but over last nine years I've developed a swallowing problem--food just gets stuck and I have to drink to wash down. It's a common problem. I hadn't gone to see dr about it until recently because it really wasn't a big deal. But over last 6 months it just seemed worse. Anyway, an endoscopy, barium swallow, motility study, an insurance battle still ongoing, and about a thousand dollars out of pocket already: they still aren't sure why. Maybe I should have just left it alone! Still waiting to hear back from last study so will see I guess.

Not only that but my three year old skunks me at memory game. It's so sad because I am trying and I'm not letting her win. For real.