Grateful

This past Monday morning a friend I've known for 15 years--her mom passed away. Her story very similar to mine in that her mom had cancer, came to live with her, was in remission, then it came back in a bad way. She watched her mom wither away, helplessly....grateful that the end was near for the relief, crushing sadness for the loss she was about to have, and guilt for having those feelings.

I've been there and it's life changing. I've supported her the best I could, offered to go out there, be a shoulder, tell her I've been thinking about her.

The one thing that people used to say that bothered me even though they meant well was "let me know what I can do".

Here's the thing--mostly there's nothing you can do, I dont even know what I need, and it just felt empty to me, like we both know you aren't going to do anything but don't know what else to say. The other thing was "how are you doing"? Ummm when someone is dying the answer is not fine or ok. It's terrible but people get uncomfortable when you say how you really are.

So, I've learned through my experience to a) just say hey, checking in on you and b) can I do (insert specific thing). Can I go to grocery store? Etc.

c) just ask outright what they are comfortable with.

She said today that she can't talk about it without crying and crying. I didn't have the heart to tell her that most likely it will be a long time before that happens and the worst is yet to come. Right now it is so new.

On monday afternoon I went for my annual mammogram and I was in the waiting area with a woman with a shaved head and a 5 month old baby boy. She said she he had 3 older sisters.

My heart just sank. Here was this woman, mother, battling cancer holding her infant son. They were talking about being able to go home pending outcome of this scan. I assumed they were from out of town. What was at least good to see was husband, mom, and grandma were there with her.

Moments like these two make me just stop and be grateful. I went home and gave up thanks that I have my children and we have our health--they got even more hugs and kisses. And it's just a big huge reminder that we can't take our time for granted. 

Then there was petty (petty considering the statements I just made above) family drama. I had mentioned that my dad had given us some property as inheritance and only my sister and I pay on it (taxes, etc) and my brother/other sister do not (although my brother just did today surprisingly) I had gone back to my dad to ask him if he would pay for my brother and other sister's portion. He said he couldn't afford it. BS. He makes take home from 2 pensions more than my brother does 3x over and has been paying it for last 30 years. It's made me pretty upset. I haven't talked to my dad for awhile. So my sister and I have been looking into selling it and contacted two realtors. Thing is, my sister told me she's not ready to sell. We grew up going there every summer and a lot of memories there. My mom's ashes were sprinkled on the island in middle of the lake.

Part of me doesn't want to sell either. But, it's not a good financial investment and I'm paying for something I don't use.

Most likely we will keep through next year and then see.  Only if I moved back to the Midwest I could see myself spending time there with my kids.

What this triggers for me is that my dad did what was easiest for him--got two birds by wiping his hands of paying anything more now and also calling it inheritance--and not what was easiest or in best interest of us. He could have asked us first? I literally got an envelope in the mail--surprise you are now a 4-part owner. He could have researched tax implications of gifting versus inheritance (HUGE by the way)? He could pay for the upkeep/taxes since he can afford it? But no.

It's a trigger for me because it's exactly how he handled things with my mom. Unilateral decisions, abandon when things get tough--my mom lived with me when she was sick for a year and a half and he came down maybe twice. No support--physical, emotional, or financial.

He did send me a card after she passed saying he just couldn't do it and thanked me for it....most of me felt that he didn't even try and too little to late.

And today my sister and I got into the most real conversation we've had in two years. She's been chronically ill for much of that time and self medicating. She's going to a therapist now and is working on herself. We finally addressed the text she sent me at 4 am months ago saying she was upset she is not my children's guardian. I laid it out there that I think she is unreliable. I've never actually told her that before. I've used words like emotional/unstable....but it just boils down to when the going gets tough she falls apart and isn't there for me. Pattern of behavior. It may hurt her feelings but I'm clear that her being a guardian is not in the best interest of my children. At least the way things have been over the years.

Very emotional stuff here. I'm proud of myself for just staying even and trying to stay logical about some very sensitive issues--that frame of mind has helped.

I think with the events of the week some old wounds have surfaced but  I think I'm handling okay.

On a very positive note, I kind of got mad about how things went w counselor so decided to take things into my own hands and downloaded a fitness app. I wanted to start simple so I'm just focusing on counting calories. I've been doing it for almost a week and I've found that:

--it's easy to track with the app and dare I say kind of fun.

--I have an awareness that now with a goal of 1800ish calories just how much I was eating before.

--I'm already eating more fruits, vegetables.

--I've cooked!! and brought my own lunch/snacks to work a few days instead of raiding the cafeteria.

--the beginning of weight loss doesn't feel good physically: been tired, at times super hungry. But I'm figuring out what makes me feel good, keeps me full longer, worth my calorie spend, etc.

--I'm not agonizing over it. I'm just doing it. When I think too far ahead I say--just focus on what you can do today.

--it doesn't feel like a diet. I'm not restricting types of food I eat. Just making a calorie puzzle of my food.

--I was inspired by several things I've read over and over in a blog and articles that say don't lose weight in a way that's not 'real life' and maintainable.

So, thank you counselor. You've helped me by not helping me.

And finally, I had a review with my financial advisor today. I wanted to see what would it take to stop work or work part time by the time my son enters kindergarten. We went through all my 'stuff' and he is going to get back w me on the plan. He may say it's not doable, but I'll say--strong will can make a lot of things happen.

On my blog I usually focus on parenting and kid stories, etc but guess I needed a detour today. 

I will say that I am so proud. My son is 21 months old and went poopy on the potty for the first time today!!!! Nanny put him on the other day mid-potty so I don't think that really counts. But today he just had that look and was grabbing his diaper. I said lets go potty and we all went in there, I put him on the little seat, and he did it!!! My girl and I clapped wildly for him.

His first speech therapy appointment tomorrow. I wasn't too impressed with the one who did our eval so I asked for a different one. Will see how goes.