I wanted to at least do one more post to end 2019 and of course the decade. I will not miss 2019. This has been a hard year with my emergency surgery, my daughters challenges, my son being sick a lot, my sister had a terrible year all the way around, and my dad passing away.
So yeah, I welcome 2020 with open arms. I may write a summary post of 2019, the last 10 years, etc which of course is the decade I welcomed my children and life changed!.....but not tonight. Tonight I will focus on the start of a new time in my life. I’m reclaiming my health.
It started with finding a new therapist that I actually think will challenge me in the way I need challenged. I’m so hopeful. Next step is to leave corporate America for awhile. I’ve now decided at least 6 months. It makes me anxious to say a year or more so let’s just keep it manageable. Then, it will be to start working on my physical health. I’ve got some goals. And right now they are about me. I’ve put my health on the back burner for 7 years. It wasn’t intentional it just happened as I fell to the bottom of the list. As a single parent, I get it. But now it’s time.
It’s as good as any, right? Next month I will be 45. Here I come.
Welcome 2020. My heart and mind is open to possibilities. It’s the year of health-for me and my children, and for all my loved ones.
Happy New Year to you all!!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Sad News
I just looked to see that it's been a month since I wrote last. I skipped the whole month of November. That hasn't happened very often since the beginning of this blog...but suffice it to say that when I go radio silent, I've got a lot on my plate. Writing in my blog just seemed like another thing to do, and believe me, it wasn't at the top of my priority list.
Where do I even begin.....
It's been a roller coaster this last month. Unfortunately things have been really tough for my girl and really the whole family. I mentioned last post that she was having some issues and it seemed to be getting somewhat more manageable, until it wasn't. Over the last 3 weeks or so it's been a real challenge. This poor poor baby. She's been struggling just trying to go to school.
I decided the play therapist was a no go, so I found a psychologist....thank you for the last commenter who shared some thoughts on the play therapist. I agree with a lot of what you said, I think where I was struggling is that I felt pretty strongly that we weren't with the 'right one' for us. Also, I thought that we needed a bit more clinical approach w/ a Dr. in psychology.
So, I reached out to the office one of her teachers recommended, and we were paired up with their child psychologist. And the universe was so kind to me..... I was able to work with my insurance and get an exception for the out of network provider to be considered in network. What does that translate into? Instead of paying the full price of $175/each session, I will pay, but then get reimbursed so that it net costs me $20. Thank you so much universe.
So, we started seeing her about 4 weeks ago. I met her first at the very end of october to go through all that was going on, and then my girl started to see her the following week. Right from the get-go my girl was comfortable with her and went back with her all by herself. That was such a good start.
I have really been hopeful/encouraged with this psychologist. She is very calm, matter of fact, my daughter likes her, and she not only is doing therapy with my child, but she is working with me on parenting her, AND our relationship together. Almost half the session I am in there too talking about what is going on, etc. and then my girl stays to talk individually.
Every week she's got some handout or some new exercise for us to try.
The problem through all of this is that while it is helpful, therapy takes a lot of time to see real improvement--like months. And my girl has been having some tough days in the meantime. Sometimes she's so worked up that we can't even do the tools we've been learning i.e. mindfulness, breathing/calming techniques. I was feeling like we were making some progress in the month that we've been going there, mornings were getting 'slightly' better. Then we had Thanksgiving break.....and after the week off, going back to school has been so hard. I feel like we are at the beginning again. Last night she had what I would consider a tantrum from 5:30pm-8:00pm. She was exhausted. She's not eating well at school either. Her lunches are coming back almost the same way they left the house. The fatigue is one of the hardest things to deal with as well.....this poor kid is exhausted. She does fine after school until closer to bed....but if I get her in too late, it's not good. I moved her bedtime up an hour before the thanksgiving break and that actually was helping some.
I mentioned in my last post, but this is going to be a journey. Some days okay, some days really not. Ive got a lot of feelings about all of this, but my biggest one is sadness right now for her, for me, for my son. Right now, it is just so hard for everyone. My poor son, he sees his sister getting so upset, and all he wants to do is try and help....he tries to comfort her.....and sometimes it works, but sometimes she just lashes back out at him.
One thing I saw that brought me to tears was watching my son be so tender with her during one of her moments. She was crying and he asked her if she wanted to sit by him on the couch. She laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. He then put his arm on her shoulder and said, 'It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay'. Then he says, 'You know what I learned at school today? I learned about the number 7. You are 7. So if you get upset, just think about that'. Be still my heart.
And you know what? She sat with him and calmed down.
I'm still working through all of this and figuring out the best way to manage. We are going to continue seeing the psychologist weekly and hope she can help guide us.
Thanksgiving
We were actually supposed to go to the midwest over the holiday. I had actually purchased tickets back in July when they had a really good sale. However, with all that has been going on, I just didn't feel like we should go. We have all been exhausted. Another universe being kind to me--I expected a battle on trying to get our flight refunded and the airline customer service agent could not have been more kind. He found a way to refund the entire flight. Oh thank you. So, instead of going out of town, we had a staycation and went to the same hotel we went to back on July 4th. Indoor pool, amazing breakfast. Just the 3 of us.
Unfortunately the night of our stay I got a call from my brother to call him right away. When I first saw his name pop up I just assumed they were calling to say hi/whatever since he and my sister were over at my Dad's for a Thanksgiving get together.
When I did actually talk to him it was not good. They were on the way to the hospital and the ambulance was taking my Dad.
Unfortunately my Dad didn't make it and he died on Thanksgiving.
I was a bit stunned and in shock. My stomach fell to the floor. He hadn't been in the best of health for years, but this was just unexpected to me. All I could think about was two things....one, he had called me about 3 weeks ago and asked me to call him back to tell him what the kids might like for Christmas and I hadn't called him back yet.....two, it didn't even occur to me to call on Thanksgiving. I had been so wrapped up in what was happening here, that the thought didn't even cross my mind.
All I could think about was that I hadn't called him back and now.......I will never again be able to. I don't know why this particular thing has stuck with me and replayed itself over and over. I think I am worried that maybe he thought I didn't care. I didn't want him leaving this earth thinking I didn't love him. As difficult as our relationship has been over the years, he was still my Dad.
And now I am crying.
It has been a mixmaster of emotions. I've gotten that sadly familiar yearning feeling like after my mom passed....hard to explain unless you've felt it yourself. I found myself holding it together okay until the next morning when I just started sobbing....really grieving. I remember vividly how that goes....it's like a wave washing over you. All I am trying to do is let whatever I feel come up and just feel it.....and let it out.
It's a lot to process. Things were just complicated with him. There won't be a funeral since he didn't want one, so I am still here and not planning to travel there.
And my sister.....well, she's not doing well. She isn't dealing well at all. She went to the ER the other day because she hadn't been eating/drinking well for a few days and with one kidney, that's not an option. And as much as I don't want to write this, she's been self-medicating.
It's just been a lot. I've been doing the best I can and I know we'll get through this difficult time. I asked the psychologist who she would refer me to for my own therapy, someone who focuses on adults, and they have one in their office. I'm going to see if I can't get set up with her.
I know we'll get through this. Things are just really hard right now.
Where do I even begin.....
It's been a roller coaster this last month. Unfortunately things have been really tough for my girl and really the whole family. I mentioned last post that she was having some issues and it seemed to be getting somewhat more manageable, until it wasn't. Over the last 3 weeks or so it's been a real challenge. This poor poor baby. She's been struggling just trying to go to school.
I decided the play therapist was a no go, so I found a psychologist....thank you for the last commenter who shared some thoughts on the play therapist. I agree with a lot of what you said, I think where I was struggling is that I felt pretty strongly that we weren't with the 'right one' for us. Also, I thought that we needed a bit more clinical approach w/ a Dr. in psychology.
So, I reached out to the office one of her teachers recommended, and we were paired up with their child psychologist. And the universe was so kind to me..... I was able to work with my insurance and get an exception for the out of network provider to be considered in network. What does that translate into? Instead of paying the full price of $175/each session, I will pay, but then get reimbursed so that it net costs me $20. Thank you so much universe.
So, we started seeing her about 4 weeks ago. I met her first at the very end of october to go through all that was going on, and then my girl started to see her the following week. Right from the get-go my girl was comfortable with her and went back with her all by herself. That was such a good start.
I have really been hopeful/encouraged with this psychologist. She is very calm, matter of fact, my daughter likes her, and she not only is doing therapy with my child, but she is working with me on parenting her, AND our relationship together. Almost half the session I am in there too talking about what is going on, etc. and then my girl stays to talk individually.
Every week she's got some handout or some new exercise for us to try.
The problem through all of this is that while it is helpful, therapy takes a lot of time to see real improvement--like months. And my girl has been having some tough days in the meantime. Sometimes she's so worked up that we can't even do the tools we've been learning i.e. mindfulness, breathing/calming techniques. I was feeling like we were making some progress in the month that we've been going there, mornings were getting 'slightly' better. Then we had Thanksgiving break.....and after the week off, going back to school has been so hard. I feel like we are at the beginning again. Last night she had what I would consider a tantrum from 5:30pm-8:00pm. She was exhausted. She's not eating well at school either. Her lunches are coming back almost the same way they left the house. The fatigue is one of the hardest things to deal with as well.....this poor kid is exhausted. She does fine after school until closer to bed....but if I get her in too late, it's not good. I moved her bedtime up an hour before the thanksgiving break and that actually was helping some.
I mentioned in my last post, but this is going to be a journey. Some days okay, some days really not. Ive got a lot of feelings about all of this, but my biggest one is sadness right now for her, for me, for my son. Right now, it is just so hard for everyone. My poor son, he sees his sister getting so upset, and all he wants to do is try and help....he tries to comfort her.....and sometimes it works, but sometimes she just lashes back out at him.
One thing I saw that brought me to tears was watching my son be so tender with her during one of her moments. She was crying and he asked her if she wanted to sit by him on the couch. She laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. He then put his arm on her shoulder and said, 'It's going to be okay, it's going to be okay'. Then he says, 'You know what I learned at school today? I learned about the number 7. You are 7. So if you get upset, just think about that'. Be still my heart.
And you know what? She sat with him and calmed down.
I'm still working through all of this and figuring out the best way to manage. We are going to continue seeing the psychologist weekly and hope she can help guide us.
Thanksgiving
We were actually supposed to go to the midwest over the holiday. I had actually purchased tickets back in July when they had a really good sale. However, with all that has been going on, I just didn't feel like we should go. We have all been exhausted. Another universe being kind to me--I expected a battle on trying to get our flight refunded and the airline customer service agent could not have been more kind. He found a way to refund the entire flight. Oh thank you. So, instead of going out of town, we had a staycation and went to the same hotel we went to back on July 4th. Indoor pool, amazing breakfast. Just the 3 of us.
Unfortunately the night of our stay I got a call from my brother to call him right away. When I first saw his name pop up I just assumed they were calling to say hi/whatever since he and my sister were over at my Dad's for a Thanksgiving get together.
When I did actually talk to him it was not good. They were on the way to the hospital and the ambulance was taking my Dad.
Unfortunately my Dad didn't make it and he died on Thanksgiving.
I was a bit stunned and in shock. My stomach fell to the floor. He hadn't been in the best of health for years, but this was just unexpected to me. All I could think about was two things....one, he had called me about 3 weeks ago and asked me to call him back to tell him what the kids might like for Christmas and I hadn't called him back yet.....two, it didn't even occur to me to call on Thanksgiving. I had been so wrapped up in what was happening here, that the thought didn't even cross my mind.
All I could think about was that I hadn't called him back and now.......I will never again be able to. I don't know why this particular thing has stuck with me and replayed itself over and over. I think I am worried that maybe he thought I didn't care. I didn't want him leaving this earth thinking I didn't love him. As difficult as our relationship has been over the years, he was still my Dad.
And now I am crying.
It has been a mixmaster of emotions. I've gotten that sadly familiar yearning feeling like after my mom passed....hard to explain unless you've felt it yourself. I found myself holding it together okay until the next morning when I just started sobbing....really grieving. I remember vividly how that goes....it's like a wave washing over you. All I am trying to do is let whatever I feel come up and just feel it.....and let it out.
It's a lot to process. Things were just complicated with him. There won't be a funeral since he didn't want one, so I am still here and not planning to travel there.
And my sister.....well, she's not doing well. She isn't dealing well at all. She went to the ER the other day because she hadn't been eating/drinking well for a few days and with one kidney, that's not an option. And as much as I don't want to write this, she's been self-medicating.
It's just been a lot. I've been doing the best I can and I know we'll get through this difficult time. I asked the psychologist who she would refer me to for my own therapy, someone who focuses on adults, and they have one in their office. I'm going to see if I can't get set up with her.
I know we'll get through this. Things are just really hard right now.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
My stomach sank.....then my heart broke
A lot of what I was told when I first had kids is true....a lot of the 'just you wait' or 'you'll see' kind of advice you didn't want to hear back then (at least me anyway) and didn't think much about because I still had babies. I didn't know what they were talking about and really didn't pay much attention because I had enough to focus on--a bit of in the ear out the other.
But, now that my kids are a bit bigger, are a bit older.....the advice given back then seems to be ringing true. The one that comes to mind is: "It doesn't get easier, it gets different". "Bigger Kids = Bigger Problems". Now that I have a 5 and 7 year old yes, physically things are much easier. No more lugging around a diaper bag and stroller and bottles and nuni's and everything that comes with babies and toddlers. They can now buckle themselves in, I just have to sometimes open the door.
But what we are dealing with now I'd take fighting about nap time any day.
About a month ago at night time my daughter came to me crying from her room saying she had a bad dream. I knew she wasn't in there long enough to fall asleep and dream, so I said maybe it was just a bad thought and let's focus on our happy thoughts. That wasn't working so I asked her what she was so upset about. She paused for a minute, then it all came out....she told me she was worried about me dying. Tears streaming down her face.
My stomach just fell. Because.....I used to have the exact same worry when I was her age. That's how my life with anxiety all started. It just hit me that oh no. Oh dear. Oh SH*&t. Is this what she will be facing?
We talked a bit more about the fact that I am here, she is safe, I'm not planning to go anywhere and that I'll likely be an old grandma to her kids someday. She did settle down, but think that was just a blip of what was to come.
I do find that I am still not sure how much of their bigger kid life to write about. One day I think they will come back and read this, or just having others know specific details about my baby...I don't know. I guess I'll just share the details I am comfortable with and see how that goes.
Suffice it to say about 3 weeks ago she had gone to the nurse at school and the nurse told her she might have had signs of fainting. She didn't know what that was so after school into the evening she wasn't acting like herself. I asked if her tummy hurt because we had a virus going around the family...and she finally let it all out that she thought that fainting meant she was going to die (and why a grownup would even say that to a child and not explain it I have no idea. I did talk to the nurse and she did confirm she said it).
Unfortunately that incident started something in her because since then, the poor kid has had physical symptoms of difficulty breathing, throat closing, worried day and night about smells and just about everything, and crying spells where she's been inconsolable. She missed a few days at school because she just wasn't able to function. She's only 7. It has been gut wrenching to see her go through this.
I initially thought (hoped) the symptoms would just go away with some sleep and her feeling better from the virus, but that didn't happen. However, thank the lord that now it's been about 3 weeks or so, they have eased up considerably. She still has worries that she asks me and her teachers about, but it seems to be more manageable.
Since it all started, I've been trying to navigate what do I do, what does she need, where do I take her? It's been really overwhelming without any clear answers. I took her to the pediatrician after the first week and she suggested a play therapist. Then I made some appointments to interview them so we could go. I also talked to the school counselor, the school social worker, her teachers at conferences (they reiterated a lot of what I knew from my girl), her pediatrician again, and made a few other psychologist appointments because the play therapist seems like a joke. I'm having a hard time paying for someone to play jenga with her and not ask any questions.
The hard part about navigating is that there are SO many provides and some take insurance, some don't. What I'm finding is that because our city is so big, that those that are "good"/ "reputable" do not take insurance. That by itself wouldn't be as hard to deal with if they actually had appointments. Some have waitlists until January. I've gotten recommendations from everyone I can ask.
In the meantime I need her to see someone so we've stuck w/ the play therapist until I can find someone else that I think is better for us.
There's nothing worse for me than for my child to be in pain and I can't fix it. I'm thinking this might just be the beginning of a journey......but what I know for darn sure is that I will advocate, advocate, advocate. I will push hard and really do whatever it takes to get us what I think is needed.
It really has been so hard....for all of us. My son doesn't know what's going on but he has picked up my lingo when things get tough.....he says 'Sis, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay'.
Yes, it will be okay, but right now.....it's just hard.
But, now that my kids are a bit bigger, are a bit older.....the advice given back then seems to be ringing true. The one that comes to mind is: "It doesn't get easier, it gets different". "Bigger Kids = Bigger Problems". Now that I have a 5 and 7 year old yes, physically things are much easier. No more lugging around a diaper bag and stroller and bottles and nuni's and everything that comes with babies and toddlers. They can now buckle themselves in, I just have to sometimes open the door.
But what we are dealing with now I'd take fighting about nap time any day.
About a month ago at night time my daughter came to me crying from her room saying she had a bad dream. I knew she wasn't in there long enough to fall asleep and dream, so I said maybe it was just a bad thought and let's focus on our happy thoughts. That wasn't working so I asked her what she was so upset about. She paused for a minute, then it all came out....she told me she was worried about me dying. Tears streaming down her face.
My stomach just fell. Because.....I used to have the exact same worry when I was her age. That's how my life with anxiety all started. It just hit me that oh no. Oh dear. Oh SH*&t. Is this what she will be facing?
We talked a bit more about the fact that I am here, she is safe, I'm not planning to go anywhere and that I'll likely be an old grandma to her kids someday. She did settle down, but think that was just a blip of what was to come.
I do find that I am still not sure how much of their bigger kid life to write about. One day I think they will come back and read this, or just having others know specific details about my baby...I don't know. I guess I'll just share the details I am comfortable with and see how that goes.
Suffice it to say about 3 weeks ago she had gone to the nurse at school and the nurse told her she might have had signs of fainting. She didn't know what that was so after school into the evening she wasn't acting like herself. I asked if her tummy hurt because we had a virus going around the family...and she finally let it all out that she thought that fainting meant she was going to die (and why a grownup would even say that to a child and not explain it I have no idea. I did talk to the nurse and she did confirm she said it).
Unfortunately that incident started something in her because since then, the poor kid has had physical symptoms of difficulty breathing, throat closing, worried day and night about smells and just about everything, and crying spells where she's been inconsolable. She missed a few days at school because she just wasn't able to function. She's only 7. It has been gut wrenching to see her go through this.
I initially thought (hoped) the symptoms would just go away with some sleep and her feeling better from the virus, but that didn't happen. However, thank the lord that now it's been about 3 weeks or so, they have eased up considerably. She still has worries that she asks me and her teachers about, but it seems to be more manageable.
Since it all started, I've been trying to navigate what do I do, what does she need, where do I take her? It's been really overwhelming without any clear answers. I took her to the pediatrician after the first week and she suggested a play therapist. Then I made some appointments to interview them so we could go. I also talked to the school counselor, the school social worker, her teachers at conferences (they reiterated a lot of what I knew from my girl), her pediatrician again, and made a few other psychologist appointments because the play therapist seems like a joke. I'm having a hard time paying for someone to play jenga with her and not ask any questions.
The hard part about navigating is that there are SO many provides and some take insurance, some don't. What I'm finding is that because our city is so big, that those that are "good"/ "reputable" do not take insurance. That by itself wouldn't be as hard to deal with if they actually had appointments. Some have waitlists until January. I've gotten recommendations from everyone I can ask.
In the meantime I need her to see someone so we've stuck w/ the play therapist until I can find someone else that I think is better for us.
There's nothing worse for me than for my child to be in pain and I can't fix it. I'm thinking this might just be the beginning of a journey......but what I know for darn sure is that I will advocate, advocate, advocate. I will push hard and really do whatever it takes to get us what I think is needed.
It really has been so hard....for all of us. My son doesn't know what's going on but he has picked up my lingo when things get tough.....he says 'Sis, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay'.
Yes, it will be okay, but right now.....it's just hard.
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Sweetness
My son surprises me on a regular basis by how much he is a natural care-taker and thinks about others.
In his pre-k 4 class they earn hole punches in a card for behaving, turning in homework pages (thankfully homework is not mandatory), and basically just being a good citizen in the class. He's really caught onto wanting to earn his 'punches'. Once they get 10 they get to pick from the treasure box.
Would you know that this boy decided he wanted to earn a lot of punches so he could go to treasure box and pick out 2 magnifying glasses each: 2 for me, 2 for his sister, and 2 for him. He wanted us all to have a collection! He's been doing homework every day so he can earn as many punches as he can. And then he comes home SO proud that he earned treasure box and brings us our magnifying glass when he earns it. I just shake my head at how thoughtful he is at this young age.
Even tonight....I'm laying in my daughter's bed for her turn to 'talk' before bed. My head propped up on a stuffed Pooh bear, so cozy. He hollers out....."Mom. Do you know why I pick up coins when I find them"? I said no, I sure don't. My girl says, "So you can be rich!".
My son says, "No. I pick them up so I can give them to you".
My heart is melting as I write this out. I always wondered about relationships between mother and son and if it would be different than mother and daughter. I think it is. I think that's also due to the personality of us all. My relationship with both kids is just different.
My son has ALWAYS been the snuggler, hugger, the "I love you" 20 times a day. I love that about him. I've also been more in touch recently with how sensitive he can be. One night during one of our talks he said he just wanted to talk about our day (normally we practice addition at his request). He is SO good with numbers it's kind of crazy. Like 1000 +2000; 25+25+25. At 4 I think that's pretty awesome.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me he's feeling sad. I could tell he really was starting to feel emotional as his eyes were welling up--so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he had a bad dream the night before and I asked if it was about me and he said no, about him. Then he covers his face and cries real tears.
Oh my heart was breaking for him. It is so hard to see him sad like that (I learned a day later that he dreamed about a volcano erupting and he was there by himself). I scooped him up and rocked him in the chair....we talked about how sometimes we have bad dreams, but maybe now we could think about things that make us happy. I asked him what made him happy and he said...."Hugs".
Melt. My. Heart. Of course I hugged him and gave him so many kisses.....
Aha, that's what it is! He is completely the most affectionate kid.....he loves hugs, kisses, sitting next to me, on my lap, touching my arm.....he just really loves that physical bond.
It's hilarious because my daughter is now at an age where after he gives me a kiss she says, "Ooooh, yuck, you are getting married!". He doesn't care.
I am just so thankful I have such a sweet sweet boy. He dearly loves his mama, that much is apparent. When I ask at school about my son the typical adjective is: Sweet. He tells his teachers he loves them (after he gets to know them of course). I could just eat it up.
He's turning 5 this month. I know in the years to come mom might not be so cool, he may pull away from my hugs and kisses....but until then, I'll store them up and take all that I can get. There is nothing better than having your child look you right in the eye and say, "I love you". And tenderly give you a sweet kiss on the cheek.
He's also at an age where we are finding humor together...something happened I don't recall and he looked at me, I looked at him....and be both smiled. Both in on the same joke. It was soooo cool.
I think I've figured this out about my kids....now I could be wrong, but it kind of just feels like my daughter will be blazing new trails while my son is making sure everyone is okay!
I really am loving the transition to having bigger kids.
In his pre-k 4 class they earn hole punches in a card for behaving, turning in homework pages (thankfully homework is not mandatory), and basically just being a good citizen in the class. He's really caught onto wanting to earn his 'punches'. Once they get 10 they get to pick from the treasure box.
Would you know that this boy decided he wanted to earn a lot of punches so he could go to treasure box and pick out 2 magnifying glasses each: 2 for me, 2 for his sister, and 2 for him. He wanted us all to have a collection! He's been doing homework every day so he can earn as many punches as he can. And then he comes home SO proud that he earned treasure box and brings us our magnifying glass when he earns it. I just shake my head at how thoughtful he is at this young age.
Even tonight....I'm laying in my daughter's bed for her turn to 'talk' before bed. My head propped up on a stuffed Pooh bear, so cozy. He hollers out....."Mom. Do you know why I pick up coins when I find them"? I said no, I sure don't. My girl says, "So you can be rich!".
My son says, "No. I pick them up so I can give them to you".
My heart is melting as I write this out. I always wondered about relationships between mother and son and if it would be different than mother and daughter. I think it is. I think that's also due to the personality of us all. My relationship with both kids is just different.
My son has ALWAYS been the snuggler, hugger, the "I love you" 20 times a day. I love that about him. I've also been more in touch recently with how sensitive he can be. One night during one of our talks he said he just wanted to talk about our day (normally we practice addition at his request). He is SO good with numbers it's kind of crazy. Like 1000 +2000; 25+25+25. At 4 I think that's pretty awesome.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me he's feeling sad. I could tell he really was starting to feel emotional as his eyes were welling up--so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he had a bad dream the night before and I asked if it was about me and he said no, about him. Then he covers his face and cries real tears.
Oh my heart was breaking for him. It is so hard to see him sad like that (I learned a day later that he dreamed about a volcano erupting and he was there by himself). I scooped him up and rocked him in the chair....we talked about how sometimes we have bad dreams, but maybe now we could think about things that make us happy. I asked him what made him happy and he said...."Hugs".
Melt. My. Heart. Of course I hugged him and gave him so many kisses.....
Aha, that's what it is! He is completely the most affectionate kid.....he loves hugs, kisses, sitting next to me, on my lap, touching my arm.....he just really loves that physical bond.
It's hilarious because my daughter is now at an age where after he gives me a kiss she says, "Ooooh, yuck, you are getting married!". He doesn't care.
I am just so thankful I have such a sweet sweet boy. He dearly loves his mama, that much is apparent. When I ask at school about my son the typical adjective is: Sweet. He tells his teachers he loves them (after he gets to know them of course). I could just eat it up.
He's turning 5 this month. I know in the years to come mom might not be so cool, he may pull away from my hugs and kisses....but until then, I'll store them up and take all that I can get. There is nothing better than having your child look you right in the eye and say, "I love you". And tenderly give you a sweet kiss on the cheek.
He's also at an age where we are finding humor together...something happened I don't recall and he looked at me, I looked at him....and be both smiled. Both in on the same joke. It was soooo cool.
I think I've figured this out about my kids....now I could be wrong, but it kind of just feels like my daughter will be blazing new trails while my son is making sure everyone is okay!
I really am loving the transition to having bigger kids.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Is it 2016?
I am completely feeling like we are back to when my daughter was 3 1/2 and my son was 11/2 and weekends were a battleground. I come up for air on Mondays. That’s just what’s been happening here for last month or so.
Take today for example. I figured since we had a birthday party for my son’s classmate at a roller rink that we’d have a good day, be active, do something fun......well....the morning started out okay but by 11:00am it started to go downhill from there. At the party we got skates on, got the walkers they use, and were trying it out in the practice area. It was so loud with the music, there was a hundred birthdays going on at once, so also crowded. My girl was having a great time trying to get more and more independent skating while my son tried it for 5 minutes and pretty much had it. I was walking behind him and the walker holding him up by his shorts—sweating. Fun times.
Took a break to eat the crappy pizza, then cake etc and they wanted to skate more.
I can call it crappy because I technically paid for some of them.. Since my son was invited I’m still trying to navigate how to manage parties with both kids. If I don’t bring both then I’m paying to leave one home. So I texted the mom ahead of time and asked her if I could bring my daughter as well but would pay for her. The mom said sure. So I made sure to give the mom cash today.
Anyway, after lunch my son just started melting. He said his tummy hurt, then said it was fine? My girl wanted to skate more on the big rink, so we all go, but then they kicked my son and I off since he ditched skates and was just in socks. He starts whining and throwing himself around, she’s wanting me to watch her....clearly I needed a second set of hands.i could sense the start of meltdown city so I told her she could go a few more rounds while I wrangle my crying son into his shoes. I did feel bad because she was having so much fun and even skated without the walker! I just had to get him outta there. All the way home he’s fussing and bickering with his sister.
Then, after rest time he’s much better but then it was her turn the rest of the day. Ooooh boy. Let me tell you she’s been really exhausting during the weekends. Lots of backtalking, no patience, not wanting to play with her brother. Not much works except separating them so she spent time in her room. There’s usually a trigger with her and it’s tired, hungry, or sick. Not sure which it was today. By the time dinner rolled around and was ready she was on verge of a major.
I’m spent. Refereeing these two is exhausting and I really do wish today I could have had someone pick either of them up. I truly think both of them needed mom time also since my girl has been verbalizing she wants me to play with only her. I did my best to occupy my son so she and I could get out the face paints but today it just wasn’t enough.
Even last weekend when we went to a birthday party at a home for one of my girls classmates—my son just didn’t do well. He hid under my shirt, was a lot sassy, didn’t know what he wanted. In general, he just doesn’t do well in new places with new people. He needs a lot of time to warm up and I think those situations are just overwhelming to him. I’m still a bit surprised by this because I still have this view that he’s more easy going than my girl. He’s not.
She, on the other hand, is the complete opposite and loves parties and people and get togethers. She wears herself out playing and just enjoying it all. Maybe just the difference between introvert and extrovert?
I don’t know but taking my son to parties is hard work and exhausting.
My son in general had been having a tough time over the last month. He was sick for about a full month, then started school and that was no bueno. The five days a week plus two afternoons was way too much. The weekend after his first week was intolerable so I kept him home two days the following week and also changed him to 1 afternoon.
I do think the nanny change is sinking in now so that might also be part of it. I don’t think he understood at first that our nanny wasn’t coming back. We had that interim one for two weeks, then our new one, and I think he thought she was temporary too. He’s been asking a lot now about when the old one is coming back. I’ve tried to be soft about the explanation and say she is taking care of her daughter so we have a new one now who’s going to be with us.
I thought I got off pretty easy when he wasn’t talking about our old one but now I get that he just didn’t fully understand and was confused. Rightfully so the kid is only 4. The good news is that while he has been asking, he is not crying about her. He does seem sad at times but I just acknowledge his feelings and hope with time it will get better.
My daughter truly doesn’t seem to mind she’s not here. She was very distraught that first night but since then has been quite resilient and talks about her in normal conversation but it doesn’t seem to be affecting her.
So in a nutshell I do think my son has had a hard time adjusting to our new normal with different nanny, going back to school, and on top of being sick for so long. My girl is doing okay during the week but the weekend is circa 2016 and it’s been tough.
I’m hanging in there. I just keep thinking January can’t come fast enough. I’ve got some big programs I’m working on at work so I’ve got some pressure with those. I’ve continued working mostly from home and it’s not great but I can’t get it together to get in office. I did finally see our work provided counselor who goes to campus 2 days a week. Interestingly her other 3 days are spent counseling families at the big cancer hospital my mom and I went to. We talked some about that time in my life and gosh is it still painful. It’s harder to talk through when I’m on the verge of tears anyway for feeling so bleh. She and I made an appointment again for next week so will see how/where it goes.
Some good news not sure I mentioned but I rented construction house!! While it was listed for sale a couple who had seen it when it was first listed for rent asked if they could still lease. They live down the street and are renovating their house. I said sure! Now, they have a dog and two kids, but this option gives me time to think about what I really want to do with it. My realtor friend keeps telling me she thinks I’ll move us there. Who knows? Maybe after I leave Corp America for a bit I’ll want to try something new with kids. I’m still so disappointed there aren’t kids in our current cul de sac. I am planning on staying here through school year then see where I want my son to start kinder next fall. It’s exciting to think about.
Take today for example. I figured since we had a birthday party for my son’s classmate at a roller rink that we’d have a good day, be active, do something fun......well....the morning started out okay but by 11:00am it started to go downhill from there. At the party we got skates on, got the walkers they use, and were trying it out in the practice area. It was so loud with the music, there was a hundred birthdays going on at once, so also crowded. My girl was having a great time trying to get more and more independent skating while my son tried it for 5 minutes and pretty much had it. I was walking behind him and the walker holding him up by his shorts—sweating. Fun times.
Took a break to eat the crappy pizza, then cake etc and they wanted to skate more.
I can call it crappy because I technically paid for some of them.. Since my son was invited I’m still trying to navigate how to manage parties with both kids. If I don’t bring both then I’m paying to leave one home. So I texted the mom ahead of time and asked her if I could bring my daughter as well but would pay for her. The mom said sure. So I made sure to give the mom cash today.
Anyway, after lunch my son just started melting. He said his tummy hurt, then said it was fine? My girl wanted to skate more on the big rink, so we all go, but then they kicked my son and I off since he ditched skates and was just in socks. He starts whining and throwing himself around, she’s wanting me to watch her....clearly I needed a second set of hands.i could sense the start of meltdown city so I told her she could go a few more rounds while I wrangle my crying son into his shoes. I did feel bad because she was having so much fun and even skated without the walker! I just had to get him outta there. All the way home he’s fussing and bickering with his sister.
Then, after rest time he’s much better but then it was her turn the rest of the day. Ooooh boy. Let me tell you she’s been really exhausting during the weekends. Lots of backtalking, no patience, not wanting to play with her brother. Not much works except separating them so she spent time in her room. There’s usually a trigger with her and it’s tired, hungry, or sick. Not sure which it was today. By the time dinner rolled around and was ready she was on verge of a major.
I’m spent. Refereeing these two is exhausting and I really do wish today I could have had someone pick either of them up. I truly think both of them needed mom time also since my girl has been verbalizing she wants me to play with only her. I did my best to occupy my son so she and I could get out the face paints but today it just wasn’t enough.
Even last weekend when we went to a birthday party at a home for one of my girls classmates—my son just didn’t do well. He hid under my shirt, was a lot sassy, didn’t know what he wanted. In general, he just doesn’t do well in new places with new people. He needs a lot of time to warm up and I think those situations are just overwhelming to him. I’m still a bit surprised by this because I still have this view that he’s more easy going than my girl. He’s not.
She, on the other hand, is the complete opposite and loves parties and people and get togethers. She wears herself out playing and just enjoying it all. Maybe just the difference between introvert and extrovert?
I don’t know but taking my son to parties is hard work and exhausting.
My son in general had been having a tough time over the last month. He was sick for about a full month, then started school and that was no bueno. The five days a week plus two afternoons was way too much. The weekend after his first week was intolerable so I kept him home two days the following week and also changed him to 1 afternoon.
I do think the nanny change is sinking in now so that might also be part of it. I don’t think he understood at first that our nanny wasn’t coming back. We had that interim one for two weeks, then our new one, and I think he thought she was temporary too. He’s been asking a lot now about when the old one is coming back. I’ve tried to be soft about the explanation and say she is taking care of her daughter so we have a new one now who’s going to be with us.
I thought I got off pretty easy when he wasn’t talking about our old one but now I get that he just didn’t fully understand and was confused. Rightfully so the kid is only 4. The good news is that while he has been asking, he is not crying about her. He does seem sad at times but I just acknowledge his feelings and hope with time it will get better.
My daughter truly doesn’t seem to mind she’s not here. She was very distraught that first night but since then has been quite resilient and talks about her in normal conversation but it doesn’t seem to be affecting her.
So in a nutshell I do think my son has had a hard time adjusting to our new normal with different nanny, going back to school, and on top of being sick for so long. My girl is doing okay during the week but the weekend is circa 2016 and it’s been tough.
I’m hanging in there. I just keep thinking January can’t come fast enough. I’ve got some big programs I’m working on at work so I’ve got some pressure with those. I’ve continued working mostly from home and it’s not great but I can’t get it together to get in office. I did finally see our work provided counselor who goes to campus 2 days a week. Interestingly her other 3 days are spent counseling families at the big cancer hospital my mom and I went to. We talked some about that time in my life and gosh is it still painful. It’s harder to talk through when I’m on the verge of tears anyway for feeling so bleh. She and I made an appointment again for next week so will see how/where it goes.
Some good news not sure I mentioned but I rented construction house!! While it was listed for sale a couple who had seen it when it was first listed for rent asked if they could still lease. They live down the street and are renovating their house. I said sure! Now, they have a dog and two kids, but this option gives me time to think about what I really want to do with it. My realtor friend keeps telling me she thinks I’ll move us there. Who knows? Maybe after I leave Corp America for a bit I’ll want to try something new with kids. I’m still so disappointed there aren’t kids in our current cul de sac. I am planning on staying here through school year then see where I want my son to start kinder next fall. It’s exciting to think about.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Rocky start
Well......suffice it to say that the start of this school year has been rough. This is week three for my girl as she started August 14th. The first three days were great. She loved being back, knew the school, etc.. and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then that weekend on Sunday my son picked up a virus. Pretty high fever on/off so mid that week I took him to the Dr. to test for strep. Thankfully it was negative, but he still was consistently getting fevers. He's still sick right now and it's day 10. It's moved to his chest and his sinuses and he's been coughing so terribly and still on/off fever. I'm trying everything to help get him some relief like motrin/tylenol and Dr. recommended zar.bees for cough, even zyr.tec to dry things up.....nothing is really knocking it out, but it's managing to give him some relief sometimes. I've even pulled out the rx cough medicine so he can at least sleep and not be woken up every hour with fits of coughing. This is a nasty virus. AND, Im pretty sure he picked it up from one of the play places. Those places make me cringe, but man the kids love them.
So, with my son being pretty sick for what seems like a long time now, my girl's first 3 days were good, but then the second week was the first full week. Towards middle of week things started to go downhill. By wednesday she had decided to completely empty out all the bins and bookshelves in the toyroom so it looked like a tornado went through there. She’s never done anything like that. At the same time she was showing signs of being exhausted (very fussy, only wanted to watch tv, short-tempered). Then by Thursday night she was just done. She was crying, very emotional....she had just had it. So, because I know my kid I said a full week of school right now is just too much for her, it’s enough. I told her she could stay home on Friday and we would have some special time together. She was like, yes!. She initially said she wanted to go just in the morning and I would pick her up at lunch, but in the morning I asked her if she just wanted to stay home all day. I ended up taking a vacation day so I could spend time w/ her and my son, poor sick kid. I took her to a special lunch, then I surprised her by asking if she wanted to go get pedicures for the first time. She jumped up and down for joy and was SO excited. That right there was enough for me to know I had made the right decision. I think the school days are too long for these kids (at least mine) and I think they just need more downtime. They go all day from 8-3:20pm, then come home and do whatever homework is assigned (in second grade!), then they eat dinner and barely have time to relax before it's bedtime and do it all over again. I’ve felt this way since she’s been in all day public school last year.
We both really enjoyed the pedicure. We tried a new place and the ladies were so nice to her since it was her first 'real' one. They gave her a little toy, some cookies, and even painted a teeny tiny flower on her big toes. She loved it. I did too as it gave me time to just be with her, no distractions, and in a relaxing environment. Ahhhhh.
It was good for me too because I have to say, I'm in a bit of a slump. It started with after the surgery I had a bit of a dip from all the medications, which is what I expected. But the physical recovery took a while...I still feel pulling, aching, etc. and it's been over two months. I think emotionally, though, I'm kind of not all back yet. A big reason is that I've been working from home mostly and I do that from my room in my bed. I don't have a dedicated office so when kids are home, it's the quietest place. But, that means I sit cross legged or lie down most of the day and hardly move except to go out and eat lunch. I have started to call my bedroom 'the cave'....because that's how it's been feeling. The walls are closing in a bit, so I just need to go to the office. But, I've been drinking caffeine a lot lately, don't go to sleep until like 1am, then I am so groggy because I've been up a few times w/ a sick kid and then they are up at 6:40am or later if I'm lucky. I feel so tired in the morning that the thought of getting myself ready to go in the office feels overwhelming. Im probably feeling a bit depressed and need to break the cycle and just change it. For those that know how it feels, that is completely easier said than done. Things just feel so heavy.
I think I just have to suck it up and change it up. Part of me keeps rationalizing, though, that I just have to hang in there only for a few more months. See, ive decided I'm going to take the plunge and leave corporate america in January. I’ve thought about this and stewed on this for so long and probably even mentioned it on here for a few years. I think I really have gotten to a point to say I’m ready. There is fear, of course....but I just won’t let it stop me. It’s kind of like taking my safety net/blanket (what I’ve known/done for 16 years) away so it causes me to be a bit anxious. But, the timing is great as my incentives will have all been paid out, and I've been working on my financial plan since having kids so I can have choices. Another big driver other than being burned out by the machine, is that I truly think unless I change something.....nothing will change. From a health perspective I'm the heaviest I've ever been and frankly so tired of being tired and sweaty all the time. I feel like something needs to give in order to free up time for me to focus on me. I haven't figured out a way to do it in the 7 years I've had children and been a single parent. I keep thinking that if I can just take something off my plate for awhile I will have that time to put back into myself.
So, I'm thinking to start out w/ a year. Give myself a year to refocus. I get excited just thinking about it. I can hardly wait......lots of changes come with completely changing my lifestyle....and I need to be sure I'm starting to think through what those challenges might be....will I be lonely? Will I stress about healthcare/insurance? Will I even like it?
More to come but I'm always looking for the what next, and at least as of now....that's my plan!
So, with my son being pretty sick for what seems like a long time now, my girl's first 3 days were good, but then the second week was the first full week. Towards middle of week things started to go downhill. By wednesday she had decided to completely empty out all the bins and bookshelves in the toyroom so it looked like a tornado went through there. She’s never done anything like that. At the same time she was showing signs of being exhausted (very fussy, only wanted to watch tv, short-tempered). Then by Thursday night she was just done. She was crying, very emotional....she had just had it. So, because I know my kid I said a full week of school right now is just too much for her, it’s enough. I told her she could stay home on Friday and we would have some special time together. She was like, yes!. She initially said she wanted to go just in the morning and I would pick her up at lunch, but in the morning I asked her if she just wanted to stay home all day. I ended up taking a vacation day so I could spend time w/ her and my son, poor sick kid. I took her to a special lunch, then I surprised her by asking if she wanted to go get pedicures for the first time. She jumped up and down for joy and was SO excited. That right there was enough for me to know I had made the right decision. I think the school days are too long for these kids (at least mine) and I think they just need more downtime. They go all day from 8-3:20pm, then come home and do whatever homework is assigned (in second grade!), then they eat dinner and barely have time to relax before it's bedtime and do it all over again. I’ve felt this way since she’s been in all day public school last year.
We both really enjoyed the pedicure. We tried a new place and the ladies were so nice to her since it was her first 'real' one. They gave her a little toy, some cookies, and even painted a teeny tiny flower on her big toes. She loved it. I did too as it gave me time to just be with her, no distractions, and in a relaxing environment. Ahhhhh.
It was good for me too because I have to say, I'm in a bit of a slump. It started with after the surgery I had a bit of a dip from all the medications, which is what I expected. But the physical recovery took a while...I still feel pulling, aching, etc. and it's been over two months. I think emotionally, though, I'm kind of not all back yet. A big reason is that I've been working from home mostly and I do that from my room in my bed. I don't have a dedicated office so when kids are home, it's the quietest place. But, that means I sit cross legged or lie down most of the day and hardly move except to go out and eat lunch. I have started to call my bedroom 'the cave'....because that's how it's been feeling. The walls are closing in a bit, so I just need to go to the office. But, I've been drinking caffeine a lot lately, don't go to sleep until like 1am, then I am so groggy because I've been up a few times w/ a sick kid and then they are up at 6:40am or later if I'm lucky. I feel so tired in the morning that the thought of getting myself ready to go in the office feels overwhelming. Im probably feeling a bit depressed and need to break the cycle and just change it. For those that know how it feels, that is completely easier said than done. Things just feel so heavy.
I think I just have to suck it up and change it up. Part of me keeps rationalizing, though, that I just have to hang in there only for a few more months. See, ive decided I'm going to take the plunge and leave corporate america in January. I’ve thought about this and stewed on this for so long and probably even mentioned it on here for a few years. I think I really have gotten to a point to say I’m ready. There is fear, of course....but I just won’t let it stop me. It’s kind of like taking my safety net/blanket (what I’ve known/done for 16 years) away so it causes me to be a bit anxious. But, the timing is great as my incentives will have all been paid out, and I've been working on my financial plan since having kids so I can have choices. Another big driver other than being burned out by the machine, is that I truly think unless I change something.....nothing will change. From a health perspective I'm the heaviest I've ever been and frankly so tired of being tired and sweaty all the time. I feel like something needs to give in order to free up time for me to focus on me. I haven't figured out a way to do it in the 7 years I've had children and been a single parent. I keep thinking that if I can just take something off my plate for awhile I will have that time to put back into myself.
So, I'm thinking to start out w/ a year. Give myself a year to refocus. I get excited just thinking about it. I can hardly wait......lots of changes come with completely changing my lifestyle....and I need to be sure I'm starting to think through what those challenges might be....will I be lonely? Will I stress about healthcare/insurance? Will I even like it?
More to come but I'm always looking for the what next, and at least as of now....that's my plan!
Friday, August 16, 2019
Back to School already
It's kinda weird. I felt like we had the whole summer ahead of us, so much time to do all the things we wanted to do and then BAM....back to school really snuck on me. I think it's because a lot happened over this summer...my surgery, first basketball season, getting construction house on the market after a whole year, our nanny quitting, 2 week everyday swimming lessons, a seventh birthday party, using the back up nanny care for two weeks, then finding a new nanny, then school started!
Some great news.....my care ad did result in us hiring a new nanny. I interviewed her a few weeks ago, then I called her references which were glowing, then last Saturday the kids and I met her at a restaurant. My daughter was very taken by her and during our lunch she leaned over and said, "Mom, can she be our nanny?" My son on the other hand, all of this change has been harder on him. He was very shy when our back up nanny came, Pascale was her name. She was from Cameroon originally and was very sweet with the kids. She gave these great big hugs and my son was in them pretty quickly that day, thankfully. She definitely looked after the kids, but I realized that cleaning up their messes wasn't her strong suit. At times there were papers all over, paint on the walls, in the bathroom, glitter everywhere, etc.. But honestly I figured for two weeks, it's fine. Knowing I still needed to find new care it was still a bit stressful for me. I worked from home most of those two weeks which allowed the kids (and me) to feel more comfortable, but was harder for me. Also, since she wasn't allowed to drive, they still had their second week of swimming lessons I took them to everyday.
Anyway, our new nanny started Monday of this week. She is younger, 23 to be exact, and had been a nanny for two years with a family in her hometown. She and her sister decided to move away from home to the 'big city' so that's what brought her here. What I noticed off the bat was she is very mature for her age. After spending time with her I also noticed she is very calm. That is SO good for our house since we all three can get worked up a bit. My son's into hollering right now. About most everything. She is also quite bright. I can tell she has a future when she decides to go back to school.
So, it did take a few days with my son because he had just started to get into a routine w/ Pascale and then she was gone, now a new one. I completely get it. It's been a lot of change over the last month for him. I think now that it is day five, it's gotten much better. He's been hugging on her and she will play endless card games with him, so he's more content.
I will feel more settled once we go through the expectations sheet, etc. and figure out what schedule we actually will follow. She's now working 7-5:30 M-F until my son goes back to school after labor day. Then I have to decide whether I am going to put him in afternoon classes a few days a week and maybe just not have her come until the afternoon for pick up. That would leave me to take them in the morning. I just don't have enough for her to do all day if the kids are in school until the afternoon. I had actually posted for a full time or part time nanny, but I was mostly seeing full time.
We'll make it work. As I mentioned in my last post, we aren't looking back about old nanny. In a nutshell, I was working w/ her on some behaviors that we struggled w/ for a good long while--the phone and texting was one of them. The kids were telling me she was constantly on her phone ( I saw it too)...my son would tell me she wouldn't play with him at the park anymore and would just sit there on her phone. And when i asked she didn't deny it. She was having so much going on her personal life w/ her daughter and husband--like crazy things involving police since October of last year, that she was also just showing up exhausted, very short w/ the kids, etc... Anyway, I was trying to work w/ her and I think she just felt the heat. Now that the kids were older they were telling me more about what they didn't like. I also told her given all the stuff happening at her house, I didn't want the kids going over there. I also learned she was doing a ton of personal errands and asked her to limit that. There were also other things that just keep adding up. It got to the point where I started looking up 'when is it time to get a new nanny'. So, after a few tough conversations she basically just quit. The way in which she did it said a lot about her, though, because she did it out of spite and anger. Which in turn shocked and hurt my children. There is no excuse for not giving a notice period (which I had even suggested to her before if she felt like things weren't going well and she was unhappy) when you are dealing with a 4 and 6 year old. Can't comprehend after 4 years her leaving like that. On top of all that after she left my daughter happened to mention she saw her pick up phone in car and even text. Completely unacceptable and she was well aware of that. But like I said, the kids have been so much more resilient that I expected and couldn't be more grateful. My son has hardly mentioned her, but my daughter has asked a time or two about her before we got our new nanny. I think with our new routine it will just become a memory soon enough.
And already Wednesday of this week we are back to school. My daughter started second grade. I have a seven year old. We went to meet the teacher this past Monday....and are also trying to survive the heat right now. August in the south is basically stepping into a heated sauna every time you open the door. It's gross. Today was so hot I could hardly stand it. Anyway school.
We are back in the same school we were in last year, public school, and it actually felt nice to 'go back' to somewhere I was already familiar with. Same halls, same procedures, etc.. There's so much less stress when you know what to expect. I think my girl felt the same way because she was hugging some of the staff she knew at meet the teacher night and telling me all about the school. The first three days they allow parents to walk kids to their classrooms so on Wednesday I had nanny drive and I got out w/ my girl. We headed in the school and she was so excited I could hardly keep up w/ her. I finally said I needed to hold her hand so she wouldn't get too far ahead. And lo and behold when we got to the classroom she dropped my hand. My heart broke a little. She settled herself in just fine, gave me hugs (whew I still got those), and off I went.
Last year I walked with her all three days but Wednesday night she comes and says, 'Mom, I may want to walk by myself to class tomorrow'. Outwardly I said, Sure thing...whatever you are comfortable with. On the inside I was crying like a baby. Like wow only one day of walking to class?
Sure enough we dropped her off in the back of school yesterday and today....all by herself. As I looked back and watched her walking in with her emoji backback I did get me some tears.
It's been very tiring for her, but she's hanging in there. Thankfully they didn't give kids homework on the first 3 days.
I am not surprised by her wanting to do it herself. She's been wired since birth to be independent and pretty convicted in what she wants. I am trying my best to be supportive of her, let her know that I will always hold her up, although we may not always agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, not a 7 year old. She still likes having our little birthday parties at our house like before....this year her theme was Poke.mon. It was so fun ordering the plates, etc.. and letting her help pick out the cake this year. Really just so nice and relatively easy.
It really has been a whirlwind of a summer. Not sure I mentioned but we spent 4th of July in a hotel up the road. We had so much fun w/ the kids jumping from bed to bed, watching the fireworks out of the window we could see so many different displays of them. We got to order in pizza, swim in the pool, and eat an awesome continental breakfast. They loved it. in fact my girl talked about it tonight and asked if we could make it a tradition. Sounds like a good one to me!
I have started to organize some before and after pictures of construction house and will put them out here soon enough. Until then, some pics from the birthday and first day of school.
Some great news.....my care ad did result in us hiring a new nanny. I interviewed her a few weeks ago, then I called her references which were glowing, then last Saturday the kids and I met her at a restaurant. My daughter was very taken by her and during our lunch she leaned over and said, "Mom, can she be our nanny?" My son on the other hand, all of this change has been harder on him. He was very shy when our back up nanny came, Pascale was her name. She was from Cameroon originally and was very sweet with the kids. She gave these great big hugs and my son was in them pretty quickly that day, thankfully. She definitely looked after the kids, but I realized that cleaning up their messes wasn't her strong suit. At times there were papers all over, paint on the walls, in the bathroom, glitter everywhere, etc.. But honestly I figured for two weeks, it's fine. Knowing I still needed to find new care it was still a bit stressful for me. I worked from home most of those two weeks which allowed the kids (and me) to feel more comfortable, but was harder for me. Also, since she wasn't allowed to drive, they still had their second week of swimming lessons I took them to everyday.
Anyway, our new nanny started Monday of this week. She is younger, 23 to be exact, and had been a nanny for two years with a family in her hometown. She and her sister decided to move away from home to the 'big city' so that's what brought her here. What I noticed off the bat was she is very mature for her age. After spending time with her I also noticed she is very calm. That is SO good for our house since we all three can get worked up a bit. My son's into hollering right now. About most everything. She is also quite bright. I can tell she has a future when she decides to go back to school.
So, it did take a few days with my son because he had just started to get into a routine w/ Pascale and then she was gone, now a new one. I completely get it. It's been a lot of change over the last month for him. I think now that it is day five, it's gotten much better. He's been hugging on her and she will play endless card games with him, so he's more content.
I will feel more settled once we go through the expectations sheet, etc. and figure out what schedule we actually will follow. She's now working 7-5:30 M-F until my son goes back to school after labor day. Then I have to decide whether I am going to put him in afternoon classes a few days a week and maybe just not have her come until the afternoon for pick up. That would leave me to take them in the morning. I just don't have enough for her to do all day if the kids are in school until the afternoon. I had actually posted for a full time or part time nanny, but I was mostly seeing full time.
We'll make it work. As I mentioned in my last post, we aren't looking back about old nanny. In a nutshell, I was working w/ her on some behaviors that we struggled w/ for a good long while--the phone and texting was one of them. The kids were telling me she was constantly on her phone ( I saw it too)...my son would tell me she wouldn't play with him at the park anymore and would just sit there on her phone. And when i asked she didn't deny it. She was having so much going on her personal life w/ her daughter and husband--like crazy things involving police since October of last year, that she was also just showing up exhausted, very short w/ the kids, etc... Anyway, I was trying to work w/ her and I think she just felt the heat. Now that the kids were older they were telling me more about what they didn't like. I also told her given all the stuff happening at her house, I didn't want the kids going over there. I also learned she was doing a ton of personal errands and asked her to limit that. There were also other things that just keep adding up. It got to the point where I started looking up 'when is it time to get a new nanny'. So, after a few tough conversations she basically just quit. The way in which she did it said a lot about her, though, because she did it out of spite and anger. Which in turn shocked and hurt my children. There is no excuse for not giving a notice period (which I had even suggested to her before if she felt like things weren't going well and she was unhappy) when you are dealing with a 4 and 6 year old. Can't comprehend after 4 years her leaving like that. On top of all that after she left my daughter happened to mention she saw her pick up phone in car and even text. Completely unacceptable and she was well aware of that. But like I said, the kids have been so much more resilient that I expected and couldn't be more grateful. My son has hardly mentioned her, but my daughter has asked a time or two about her before we got our new nanny. I think with our new routine it will just become a memory soon enough.
And already Wednesday of this week we are back to school. My daughter started second grade. I have a seven year old. We went to meet the teacher this past Monday....and are also trying to survive the heat right now. August in the south is basically stepping into a heated sauna every time you open the door. It's gross. Today was so hot I could hardly stand it. Anyway school.
We are back in the same school we were in last year, public school, and it actually felt nice to 'go back' to somewhere I was already familiar with. Same halls, same procedures, etc.. There's so much less stress when you know what to expect. I think my girl felt the same way because she was hugging some of the staff she knew at meet the teacher night and telling me all about the school. The first three days they allow parents to walk kids to their classrooms so on Wednesday I had nanny drive and I got out w/ my girl. We headed in the school and she was so excited I could hardly keep up w/ her. I finally said I needed to hold her hand so she wouldn't get too far ahead. And lo and behold when we got to the classroom she dropped my hand. My heart broke a little. She settled herself in just fine, gave me hugs (whew I still got those), and off I went.
Last year I walked with her all three days but Wednesday night she comes and says, 'Mom, I may want to walk by myself to class tomorrow'. Outwardly I said, Sure thing...whatever you are comfortable with. On the inside I was crying like a baby. Like wow only one day of walking to class?
Sure enough we dropped her off in the back of school yesterday and today....all by herself. As I looked back and watched her walking in with her emoji backback I did get me some tears.
It's been very tiring for her, but she's hanging in there. Thankfully they didn't give kids homework on the first 3 days.
I am not surprised by her wanting to do it herself. She's been wired since birth to be independent and pretty convicted in what she wants. I am trying my best to be supportive of her, let her know that I will always hold her up, although we may not always agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, not a 7 year old. She still likes having our little birthday parties at our house like before....this year her theme was Poke.mon. It was so fun ordering the plates, etc.. and letting her help pick out the cake this year. Really just so nice and relatively easy.
It really has been a whirlwind of a summer. Not sure I mentioned but we spent 4th of July in a hotel up the road. We had so much fun w/ the kids jumping from bed to bed, watching the fireworks out of the window we could see so many different displays of them. We got to order in pizza, swim in the pool, and eat an awesome continental breakfast. They loved it. in fact my girl talked about it tonight and asked if we could make it a tradition. Sounds like a good one to me!
I have started to organize some before and after pictures of construction house and will put them out here soon enough. Until then, some pics from the birthday and first day of school.
Monday, July 29, 2019
Recovery and since then.....
So to sum up two whole posts: I had an incarcerated hernia, ER visit, surgery the next day where they cut out some stuff, sewed things back together and sewed in some mesh, and left me a nice small incision. I stayed two nights in the hospital and went home on Sunday with some pain medication.
Let me just say, "recovery", though, was a bit of crap show. First off, as a single parent to a 4 and 6 year old....there is no down time. Our nanny stayed all day Sunday/Sunday night, but went home Monday at end of work day. Our old nanny didn't come until Wed or Thursday so I still was up and around w/ our regular routine to get the kids to bed. The hardest part I remember was I usually lie w/ my girl in her bed every night. She asked me to do it and I said I'd try....ouch on that one.
They do want you to get up and around and not just lie there but the biggest issue I had was fatigue. My body really just needed me to slow down so it could recover. I have no idea why I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I had major, open, abdominal surgery. Anesthesia, medication, etc....of course it was going to take time.
BUT, so much was going on during those first few weeks out. I wasn't having stabbing pain so I just pushed through. The kids started a new basketball league on Saturdays and I just wasn't going to miss it. Yes, one week post-op I sure went and sat on some really hard bleachers to support my littles. Although I look back and physically, it was just a lot. I was still wearing the burrito wrap. And the kicker is we were assigned a time slot of 7:45am. For the past almost two months we've been lugging ourselves to our games at that time in the morning. WHY do they schedule like that?? They don't tell you up front--that's how they get you--they say oh, the games will start anywhere between 8:00-9:30am. I'm thinking sure, cool. This 7:45 bit is for the birds.
The other thing was this league was a whole new thing for us....it was SO crowded, the kids had never played on a basketball court and didn't really know what they were doing, their main coaches weren't there for some reason...I was really stressed out watching it so much so that I almost started crying. I think physically, mentally, and emotionally I was in a tough place. Thankfully it's gotten much better and they kids have really liked it. I think it's ok. It's just not as structured and based on fundamentals as their soccer seasons were.
In addition to the basketball that Saturday I was also making a final push to get construction house finished to get on the market to rent. There were people in and out and I needed to be there several times to get a lot of things done. One day I spent 4 hours there. All while trying to 'recover'.
The good news is.......it's on the market for rent, but I haven't rented it yet. I'm actually thinking of selling it in order to take those funds and perhaps do another one. Not right now, of course. The only reason I wanted to keep it at all was to let the market catch up so i would at least make some money OR potentially live there. I actually have the opportunity now to go live there and it just doesn't feel right...so will see what happens.
Another crazy thing was when I was discharged from the hospital I had gotten a release from them saying I could go back to work the following Monday so off for a week. I thought that seemed so short, but hey, if that's what they said. I was dreading work that coming Monday and just had no energy for it, but did it anyway (all from my bed, thankfully, since sitting up was not easy) until Wednesday when I had the surgeon follow up visit. That's when they told me ummmm why are you working? You aren't supposed to be released until you see the surgeon, and even then, most people are off for up to a month. They asked me if I had a c-section and I was off for probably 8 weeks with that. So what's crazy to me is why didn't anyone tell me that when I was in the hospital? So I went back out on sick leave until July 8th. Basically I was only out about 2 1/2 weeks.
And the bummer too is that when I was taking the pain meds it was fine, but weaning off of them was not fun...I usually get an emotional dip if i have to take them and sure enough, it got me again.
Overall it's just felt hectic. A lot going on, not a ton of support other than a few days from old nanny, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. It took about 3 weeks to even start to think I was getting better....4 weeks slightly better, but I have to say I'm still feeling some effects (some pings/zings, fullness, tenderness) now and I'm 6 weeks out. I am very thankful I went to the Dr., though, and didn't put it off longer. It was pretty serious and needed to be taken care of when it was.
Since then I've struggled a bit....I've been working from home a lot and my sleep has been pretty poor. So then I've been drinking caffeine, which makes my sleep worse, and the cycle continues. Just last week I thought I needed to do something different like perhaps add in Vit B and not take a multi vitamin. It has helped a bit in my energy level.
In case that wasn't enough....another major happening here: Last Thursday my nanny of 4 years decided to quit---just like that. At the end of the day she said she was done. No notice, no nothing. It's a long story and I'm just too tired to type it all out but what I will say is the shock and pain she caused my kids was horrible and inexcusable. I'm trying not to focus on negative feelings because at the end of the day, karma. And, after that tough night on Thursday they haven't been nearly as distraught as I thought they might be.. Honestly they've both been quite content having mama around. So.....onwards. Not looking back on that one.
A positive thing to come out of it is I've been so exhausted at the end of the day since Fri, Sat, Sun and tonight we've been together all day...I've actually slept.
The new babysitter through my work benefit of backup care starts tomorrow and she will be here to cover for this week and next. In the meantime I've been scrolling through applicants on my care ad. It may take some time, though.
Always something.
Let me just say, "recovery", though, was a bit of crap show. First off, as a single parent to a 4 and 6 year old....there is no down time. Our nanny stayed all day Sunday/Sunday night, but went home Monday at end of work day. Our old nanny didn't come until Wed or Thursday so I still was up and around w/ our regular routine to get the kids to bed. The hardest part I remember was I usually lie w/ my girl in her bed every night. She asked me to do it and I said I'd try....ouch on that one.
They do want you to get up and around and not just lie there but the biggest issue I had was fatigue. My body really just needed me to slow down so it could recover. I have no idea why I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I had major, open, abdominal surgery. Anesthesia, medication, etc....of course it was going to take time.
BUT, so much was going on during those first few weeks out. I wasn't having stabbing pain so I just pushed through. The kids started a new basketball league on Saturdays and I just wasn't going to miss it. Yes, one week post-op I sure went and sat on some really hard bleachers to support my littles. Although I look back and physically, it was just a lot. I was still wearing the burrito wrap. And the kicker is we were assigned a time slot of 7:45am. For the past almost two months we've been lugging ourselves to our games at that time in the morning. WHY do they schedule like that?? They don't tell you up front--that's how they get you--they say oh, the games will start anywhere between 8:00-9:30am. I'm thinking sure, cool. This 7:45 bit is for the birds.
The other thing was this league was a whole new thing for us....it was SO crowded, the kids had never played on a basketball court and didn't really know what they were doing, their main coaches weren't there for some reason...I was really stressed out watching it so much so that I almost started crying. I think physically, mentally, and emotionally I was in a tough place. Thankfully it's gotten much better and they kids have really liked it. I think it's ok. It's just not as structured and based on fundamentals as their soccer seasons were.
In addition to the basketball that Saturday I was also making a final push to get construction house finished to get on the market to rent. There were people in and out and I needed to be there several times to get a lot of things done. One day I spent 4 hours there. All while trying to 'recover'.
The good news is.......it's on the market for rent, but I haven't rented it yet. I'm actually thinking of selling it in order to take those funds and perhaps do another one. Not right now, of course. The only reason I wanted to keep it at all was to let the market catch up so i would at least make some money OR potentially live there. I actually have the opportunity now to go live there and it just doesn't feel right...so will see what happens.
Another crazy thing was when I was discharged from the hospital I had gotten a release from them saying I could go back to work the following Monday so off for a week. I thought that seemed so short, but hey, if that's what they said. I was dreading work that coming Monday and just had no energy for it, but did it anyway (all from my bed, thankfully, since sitting up was not easy) until Wednesday when I had the surgeon follow up visit. That's when they told me ummmm why are you working? You aren't supposed to be released until you see the surgeon, and even then, most people are off for up to a month. They asked me if I had a c-section and I was off for probably 8 weeks with that. So what's crazy to me is why didn't anyone tell me that when I was in the hospital? So I went back out on sick leave until July 8th. Basically I was only out about 2 1/2 weeks.
And the bummer too is that when I was taking the pain meds it was fine, but weaning off of them was not fun...I usually get an emotional dip if i have to take them and sure enough, it got me again.
Overall it's just felt hectic. A lot going on, not a ton of support other than a few days from old nanny, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. It took about 3 weeks to even start to think I was getting better....4 weeks slightly better, but I have to say I'm still feeling some effects (some pings/zings, fullness, tenderness) now and I'm 6 weeks out. I am very thankful I went to the Dr., though, and didn't put it off longer. It was pretty serious and needed to be taken care of when it was.
Since then I've struggled a bit....I've been working from home a lot and my sleep has been pretty poor. So then I've been drinking caffeine, which makes my sleep worse, and the cycle continues. Just last week I thought I needed to do something different like perhaps add in Vit B and not take a multi vitamin. It has helped a bit in my energy level.
In case that wasn't enough....another major happening here: Last Thursday my nanny of 4 years decided to quit---just like that. At the end of the day she said she was done. No notice, no nothing. It's a long story and I'm just too tired to type it all out but what I will say is the shock and pain she caused my kids was horrible and inexcusable. I'm trying not to focus on negative feelings because at the end of the day, karma. And, after that tough night on Thursday they haven't been nearly as distraught as I thought they might be.. Honestly they've both been quite content having mama around. So.....onwards. Not looking back on that one.
A positive thing to come out of it is I've been so exhausted at the end of the day since Fri, Sat, Sun and tonight we've been together all day...I've actually slept.
The new babysitter through my work benefit of backup care starts tomorrow and she will be here to cover for this week and next. In the meantime I've been scrolling through applicants on my care ad. It may take some time, though.
Always something.
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
ER Part 2
I know when I'm reading a blog and someone goes silent, especially after something major happened, I always just wonder if they are ok. I should have put a post up sooner to say I'm okay. Surgery went ok and recovery....just ok, tougher than I expected.
To back up.....yes, I ended up in the ER much closer to my house. When I arrived there I thought I had made a great choice because there was only one other person in the waiting area. Turns out that they just triage folks faster and have a secondary waiting area once you've been assessed. So once I was in the back I kept wondering what now? I wonder if this is a major thing going on or they will just send me home. I was surprised that it really didn't take too long for them to come get me for labwork/start an IV, then shortly after they came to get me and said I needed to do a CT scan to see what going on. If you've ever had one, you know you get to drink two bottles of this very sweet liquid. Ugh. I chugged it as fast as I could because drinking it slow just made me feel yuck.
Once I was finished I had to wait awhile then the tech came to get me, in the machine I went, and back out to the same waiting area. Now, after I was done....that wait was much longer.
I had gotten up to pace a bit when the Dr. finally came back....it was really strange he just came up close, sort of ushered me forward and said they were going to put me in a room. He was very calm so I just thought, ok sure, I'll head back to a room. Once I got back there I finally asked if everything was ok and he said they need to check out a few things. I asked if I had a problem w/ the hernia and he said it looked to be the case. I'm not usually ok with vagueness, but for some reason I just did as I was told.
Once I got on the gurney the fun began....the Dr. said he was going to push on my stomach to see if he could shove things back where they belong. What the crap?! I'm not kidding when I say he started pushing and it felt like his fingers were pressing through my abdomen to my back. I hollered out a few times. He said the nurse would come and give me some morphine and they would then try again. I kept thinking, oh my gosh....I'm here all by myself and this really hurts.
The nurse came in and gave me a shot of morphine.....and all of a sudden my throat started closing up and things got a bit spacey. I was soon able to breathe better again, but then noticed after she left my arm was turning red. It was traveling up my arm and my shoulder. I sat there a bit not sure what to do since no one had come back to check on me. Finally a nurse walked by and I asked if she could please help me. She came in, looked at my arm, and said oh my goodness. I don't remember exactly what they did to help me but I was able to lay there ok. I had an allergic reaction to it apparently.
I waited and waited for the Dr. to come back and try again, but he just wasn't coming.
The nurse had stopped back and I asked her what was going on and she said she thought she heard Dr. say I was going to be admitted. Ah crap. I laid there a bit longer and finally Dr. came back and said that I was going to be admitted for surgery the next day. He said he consulted with the surgeon and surgeon said they couldn't manually fix the issue--turns out it was an incarcerated hernia which basically means things came out and got stuck, which is not good.
So, off I was wheeled up to the surgical floor.
Then the scrambling came in.....this honestly is one of my worst fears as a single parent. Me being out of commission, having to have surgery, not knowing what exactly to do. I have no local family and I learned from last time being in a hospital, it just isn't a great place to be all by yourself. So, I checked in with the three closest friends I have here. Turns out, all of them were out of town--one already out, one heading out of the country, and the other one heading out too. One of them was my realtor friend who happened to be the same one who came to the ER to be with me when I had the blod clot as 6 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I have to say I kind of panicked a bit. I texted my sister across the country as she was on a trip to Arizona and while I knew she couldn't get here, I could at least check w/ her. And wouldn't you know she didn't text/call back until much later.
Old nanny was 5 hours away but unless she drove through the middle of the night she wouldn't make the 8 am surgery the next day. We did talk and she thought it would probably be better for her to come a few days after surgery so she could help take care of me/kids.
I can say I haven't felt that alone in well.....I can't even say. I didn't want nanny to come by because she would have to bring kids and that just wasn't an option to me. The nurses kept asking if I had anyone coming and my answer was always no. Speaking of nanny, I had to work hard to convince her she didn't need to go to her second job the following night. She was trying to see if her daughter (the one she is having major issues with) could watch the kids so she could go. Not no, but hell no. Finally I told her I would write a note or call her other job if I had to in order for her to be able to stay with the kids. She finally agreed. Once I got that sorted I did feel some sort of relief.
I basically just accepted that I would be having surgery by myself and that was that. They kept a lot of medication in my system so I did sleep alot anyway...I would say by the time I was admitted (maybe around 6 pm on the Friday) I had surgery already first thing the next morning by 8. It all happened really fast from Dr. appointment, to ER, to admitting, to surgery....all in less than 24 hours.
Since I missed the dinner window in the hospital they said they couldn't let me order anything from cafeteria. And I was hungry, darn it. So, what does a person do when they are hungry? Order pizza. They told me I wasn't restricted w/ my food and just don't eat after midnight. Ok then. Of course in hindsight this was not a great idea because your digestion pretty much stops w/ all the medications and anesthesia.
On Saturday they wheeled me down and again asked if someone was waiting for me. Felt about the same as when I had a prenatal check up and they kept asking where my husband was. Surgery in general went well, I had about a 4 inch incision above my belly button and was wrapped in a abdominal compression garment.
This is turning out to be a long post so I will continue with Part 3, and don't plan to wait another month to finish!
To back up.....yes, I ended up in the ER much closer to my house. When I arrived there I thought I had made a great choice because there was only one other person in the waiting area. Turns out that they just triage folks faster and have a secondary waiting area once you've been assessed. So once I was in the back I kept wondering what now? I wonder if this is a major thing going on or they will just send me home. I was surprised that it really didn't take too long for them to come get me for labwork/start an IV, then shortly after they came to get me and said I needed to do a CT scan to see what going on. If you've ever had one, you know you get to drink two bottles of this very sweet liquid. Ugh. I chugged it as fast as I could because drinking it slow just made me feel yuck.
Once I was finished I had to wait awhile then the tech came to get me, in the machine I went, and back out to the same waiting area. Now, after I was done....that wait was much longer.
I had gotten up to pace a bit when the Dr. finally came back....it was really strange he just came up close, sort of ushered me forward and said they were going to put me in a room. He was very calm so I just thought, ok sure, I'll head back to a room. Once I got back there I finally asked if everything was ok and he said they need to check out a few things. I asked if I had a problem w/ the hernia and he said it looked to be the case. I'm not usually ok with vagueness, but for some reason I just did as I was told.
Once I got on the gurney the fun began....the Dr. said he was going to push on my stomach to see if he could shove things back where they belong. What the crap?! I'm not kidding when I say he started pushing and it felt like his fingers were pressing through my abdomen to my back. I hollered out a few times. He said the nurse would come and give me some morphine and they would then try again. I kept thinking, oh my gosh....I'm here all by myself and this really hurts.
The nurse came in and gave me a shot of morphine.....and all of a sudden my throat started closing up and things got a bit spacey. I was soon able to breathe better again, but then noticed after she left my arm was turning red. It was traveling up my arm and my shoulder. I sat there a bit not sure what to do since no one had come back to check on me. Finally a nurse walked by and I asked if she could please help me. She came in, looked at my arm, and said oh my goodness. I don't remember exactly what they did to help me but I was able to lay there ok. I had an allergic reaction to it apparently.
I waited and waited for the Dr. to come back and try again, but he just wasn't coming.
The nurse had stopped back and I asked her what was going on and she said she thought she heard Dr. say I was going to be admitted. Ah crap. I laid there a bit longer and finally Dr. came back and said that I was going to be admitted for surgery the next day. He said he consulted with the surgeon and surgeon said they couldn't manually fix the issue--turns out it was an incarcerated hernia which basically means things came out and got stuck, which is not good.
So, off I was wheeled up to the surgical floor.
Then the scrambling came in.....this honestly is one of my worst fears as a single parent. Me being out of commission, having to have surgery, not knowing what exactly to do. I have no local family and I learned from last time being in a hospital, it just isn't a great place to be all by yourself. So, I checked in with the three closest friends I have here. Turns out, all of them were out of town--one already out, one heading out of the country, and the other one heading out too. One of them was my realtor friend who happened to be the same one who came to the ER to be with me when I had the blod clot as 6 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I have to say I kind of panicked a bit. I texted my sister across the country as she was on a trip to Arizona and while I knew she couldn't get here, I could at least check w/ her. And wouldn't you know she didn't text/call back until much later.
Old nanny was 5 hours away but unless she drove through the middle of the night she wouldn't make the 8 am surgery the next day. We did talk and she thought it would probably be better for her to come a few days after surgery so she could help take care of me/kids.
I can say I haven't felt that alone in well.....I can't even say. I didn't want nanny to come by because she would have to bring kids and that just wasn't an option to me. The nurses kept asking if I had anyone coming and my answer was always no. Speaking of nanny, I had to work hard to convince her she didn't need to go to her second job the following night. She was trying to see if her daughter (the one she is having major issues with) could watch the kids so she could go. Not no, but hell no. Finally I told her I would write a note or call her other job if I had to in order for her to be able to stay with the kids. She finally agreed. Once I got that sorted I did feel some sort of relief.
I basically just accepted that I would be having surgery by myself and that was that. They kept a lot of medication in my system so I did sleep alot anyway...I would say by the time I was admitted (maybe around 6 pm on the Friday) I had surgery already first thing the next morning by 8. It all happened really fast from Dr. appointment, to ER, to admitting, to surgery....all in less than 24 hours.
Since I missed the dinner window in the hospital they said they couldn't let me order anything from cafeteria. And I was hungry, darn it. So, what does a person do when they are hungry? Order pizza. They told me I wasn't restricted w/ my food and just don't eat after midnight. Ok then. Of course in hindsight this was not a great idea because your digestion pretty much stops w/ all the medications and anesthesia.
On Saturday they wheeled me down and again asked if someone was waiting for me. Felt about the same as when I had a prenatal check up and they kept asking where my husband was. Surgery in general went well, I had about a 4 inch incision above my belly button and was wrapped in a abdominal compression garment.
This is turning out to be a long post so I will continue with Part 3, and don't plan to wait another month to finish!
Sunday, June 16, 2019
ER Part 1
Well....I’m writing this post in my hospital bed at 5:43am. Between when next set of medicine starts to kick in so hopefully this will all make
Ive suspected I had a hernia in my upper stomach for awhile but it didn’t cause me too much issue so never really got it tested. However when I was having all that trouble back in March with fertility meds and had ct scan it was officially diagnosed then.
Well Wednesday of this week I noticed my upper stomach area at the hernia area was really starting to hurt. It felt like maybe I hit it on something and movement and walking was causing it to be pretty sore. I was having to hold on to it after getting up and it took my breath away a few times. Then I noticed the skin on top of it was turning pinkish in color and knew that wasn’t normal.
I called that afternoon for an appointment with my GI doc for soonest and they made appt Thursday with the Really sweet older lady physician assistant I saw last time.
Here’s where I prioritized construction house over that appointment because we were making final push to get it totally finished. I had been spending a few hours a day there everyday since last Friday. I called and rescheduled the appointment to Friday this week-2 days ago.
I went to appointment on Friday and she had me tell her what I was feeling and to get up on table to look. Sweet lady she remembered to ask me how the fertility treatment turned out.
Anyway when she stated poking around who-eee it hurt. She was noticing something a bit odd/ hard-like so she said she wanted to bring doctor in to take a look. This Dr I’ve seen in past so it was nice to see a familiar face, he also manipulated the area and said yes, it needs to get checked out. I said ok where to make an appointment and he said no, I need to go to the emergency room.
The blood drained from my head at that moment and I got a good dose of fear hormone coursing through my body. I couldn’t remember what word he used about what was happening but he said he was going to call the ER tell them I’m on my way.
After he left I asked the PA was that really necessary? My mind kept going to cost and was this really an emergency? The PA said the dr sometimes is quick to send to ER so maybe call an urgent care or something. She said at least walk over to ER and see what wait was going to be first.
Why I questioned him I’m not really sure.
I walked over to the adjacent ER from his medical building and can I just tell you how nuts/busy/full/ and crazy it seemed in there. Omg. I went to check in lady and asked about the wait and she basically gave me a look like...look around. She was nice about it but said they were full in back and 31 people to process through already. I thanked her and said I’d look elsewhere.
Went back to my car and called an affiliate urgent care/emergency center tied to this hospital system and after I explained situation she said I could come there but if they discovered I needed surgery they would have to transport me by ambulance to hospital.
Well that didn’t make sense either so I decided to go the the affiliate hospital directly much closer to my area of town and home such that if I did need admitted I’d be there.
I am so proud of myself for thinking ahead. I decided to stop by my house in the way and take a bag with me for chargers, changed to comfy clothes, toothbrush, mouthwash, my daily medicine.
Off I went to the new ER.
I’m going to have to finish this in a bit with part 2. I can tell I need to take a break here.
Ive suspected I had a hernia in my upper stomach for awhile but it didn’t cause me too much issue so never really got it tested. However when I was having all that trouble back in March with fertility meds and had ct scan it was officially diagnosed then.
Well Wednesday of this week I noticed my upper stomach area at the hernia area was really starting to hurt. It felt like maybe I hit it on something and movement and walking was causing it to be pretty sore. I was having to hold on to it after getting up and it took my breath away a few times. Then I noticed the skin on top of it was turning pinkish in color and knew that wasn’t normal.
I called that afternoon for an appointment with my GI doc for soonest and they made appt Thursday with the Really sweet older lady physician assistant I saw last time.
Here’s where I prioritized construction house over that appointment because we were making final push to get it totally finished. I had been spending a few hours a day there everyday since last Friday. I called and rescheduled the appointment to Friday this week-2 days ago.
I went to appointment on Friday and she had me tell her what I was feeling and to get up on table to look. Sweet lady she remembered to ask me how the fertility treatment turned out.
Anyway when she stated poking around who-eee it hurt. She was noticing something a bit odd/ hard-like so she said she wanted to bring doctor in to take a look. This Dr I’ve seen in past so it was nice to see a familiar face, he also manipulated the area and said yes, it needs to get checked out. I said ok where to make an appointment and he said no, I need to go to the emergency room.
The blood drained from my head at that moment and I got a good dose of fear hormone coursing through my body. I couldn’t remember what word he used about what was happening but he said he was going to call the ER tell them I’m on my way.
After he left I asked the PA was that really necessary? My mind kept going to cost and was this really an emergency? The PA said the dr sometimes is quick to send to ER so maybe call an urgent care or something. She said at least walk over to ER and see what wait was going to be first.
Why I questioned him I’m not really sure.
I walked over to the adjacent ER from his medical building and can I just tell you how nuts/busy/full/ and crazy it seemed in there. Omg. I went to check in lady and asked about the wait and she basically gave me a look like...look around. She was nice about it but said they were full in back and 31 people to process through already. I thanked her and said I’d look elsewhere.
Went back to my car and called an affiliate urgent care/emergency center tied to this hospital system and after I explained situation she said I could come there but if they discovered I needed surgery they would have to transport me by ambulance to hospital.
Well that didn’t make sense either so I decided to go the the affiliate hospital directly much closer to my area of town and home such that if I did need admitted I’d be there.
I am so proud of myself for thinking ahead. I decided to stop by my house in the way and take a bag with me for chargers, changed to comfy clothes, toothbrush, mouthwash, my daily medicine.
Off I went to the new ER.
I’m going to have to finish this in a bit with part 2. I can tell I need to take a break here.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
And here we are
It’s summer!!!!!!! Kids are out of school and I kind of wish I was home for the summer too. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m finding my girl has just been able to decompress. I think she’s just not so mentally exhausted which has allowed her to be in a much better mood. I wish I could say the same for my son. For the past 2-3 weeks he has been really really whiny in the evenings. It starts around 5:30 until bed around 8.
One of his new obsessions, though, is watching wheel of F. He pretends to be vanna and puts on my shoes and finds some sparkly shirt. He touches the tv to ‘turn’ the letters. I’m having fun with it because I grew up loving that show. I even tried making my own wheel out of cardboard and sticks. My mom got me a wheel board game for Christmas one year and even an ornament too. Ahhh, now the next generation obsession begins. My girl tolerates it I think. She keeps asking if this is going to be our forever show now.
This post may be brain dump because I also wanted to capture a few things. First is that my son calls my girl by her name now. As long as he’s been able to talk he would call her sissy (not my term of endearment nanny started that one)....but over the last few weeks he all of a sudden just started calling her by her name. It seems such a small shift, but it just makes him seem like such a big boy now. He’s no longer closer to toddler and much closer to kindergartner. Sigh.
Plus after not hearing him say her name much for a few years it’s so strange to hear him say it.
The second one: as much as my girl thinks and acts like 6 going on 16, she still says ‘Alvin and the chickmunks”. I don’t correct her.
She’s already planning her birthday party in August. She starts months in advance, this one. She’s decided she wants an emoji birthday. Although it was poke.mon last week. We’ve been looking at her emoji pajamas and asking each other which ones we like best during our before bed talks. She’s trying to figure out which one she wants on her cake. That’s kind of our birthday tradition. You get to pick the theme and we do cake, presents, and have small group at house. I like the way we do it and it seems the kids do too. That may change when they go to the over the top parties, so I’m just happy where we are with it. Thus is s big birthday because I’ve told her for years when she turns 7 she can chew gum. Why I picked 7 I don’t know. So I told her all about Hubba bubba and she can’t wait.
We’ve also had some interesting conversations about secrets. Some of her ‘girlfriends’ at school were sharing secrets and she said her friend June told her something but she promised not to tell.
At first I felt like we shouldn’t have secrets at all, said as much, and she still didn’t want to share. So, I went researching to find out how to handle the best way. I came across several articles that say it’s normal development in child friendship building and what’s important is to help them understand difference between safe and unsafe secrets. She may be a bit young, but I kind of liked the idea. I’m certainly not going to be able to force her to share everything with me (as much as I want her to) and I think if I push too hard that will start a wall. So, the thought of saying that if she’s uncomfortable with anything or someone’s not safe, those secrets have to be shared with mom.
In some ways I’m an uber-protective mom and want to start early giving her words/tools to use. For the both of them really.—we all already talk about privates and no one touches them except themselves, mommy, or dr. I’ll have to see how the guidance on secrets works. Apparently it’s not an issue over the summer, my girl says, because she’s not at school. Okay then.
I’m in therapy with my sister again. I told her we need it. Turns out my sister didn’t end up back in the hospital-but was delayed even getting in touch with dr because they were closed. I just couldn’t understand how she thought the state she was in was ok. What I learned after talking to her during our therapy was that emotionally she’s not in good place. I think her dr had made some changes with her medicine that sent things wrong way. That became very clear to me in the session, as well as her therapist. Therapist suggested that just she and my sister meet for awhile which I couldn’t agree more. I think my sister needs her energy to focus on herself. We are scheduled to talk in therapy again mid next week and haven’t really been communicating much at all. I miss talking.
On the family building side...I did hear back from my known donor. He was quite open to donating now so I could try for a biological child. What I’ve learned since connecting with him and understanding more from drs office is that using a known donor is more complicated-well it is in my situation. More forms to sign, coordinating whether he would fly in to my drs office, how would I compensate him, etc. it’s so much more to think about besides just calling 1-800 ship.
It had me thinking more about things. I took a couple weeks to just soak on it. He had asked to see the language in the donor form so I did send that finally last week.
I’m not sure where this one will land. I’m kind of waiting to see his response and will decide from there. It just seems tricky to navigate these waters. Not impossible but it’s much more involved.
However, it’s not a decision I can sit on for long.
In what I think is good news (hopefully) is that my beast of a one year renovation project might finally be done beginning of next week. I’ve continued to have delays with the new contractor, pieces and parts of things missing, the ceiling beams not turning out right, landscaping turning out crappy etc. but I just keep pushing along to get it done. My realtor called a few weeks ago and asked if I wanted to sell because she might have a buyer. I initially thought about it, but given the sweat and tears and money in this thing, I couldn’t imagine just selling it to break even. Considering all the things I dealt with along the way, the fact that I can even break even is something. But, if I hold and rent it a few years I know I could actually make some money on it. Or even live in it! That plan is unlikely because even though I love the feel of it and how it’s turning out, my financial planning didn’t involve living in an expensive house and the schools are still city schools and are still slowly turning around. I just think renting it gives me time to think about it.
I’m ready to call this one done. I’ll have to post some before and after. The inside transformation is amazing. The outside still fits in the neighborhood because I left the original brick. It was beautiful and I couldn’t imagine painting or covering it. What’s crazy is that house has much better storage than my current house AND a dedicated office. I’m a bit envious.
Onwards to summer! Swimming lessons and Saturday basketball here we come.
One of his new obsessions, though, is watching wheel of F. He pretends to be vanna and puts on my shoes and finds some sparkly shirt. He touches the tv to ‘turn’ the letters. I’m having fun with it because I grew up loving that show. I even tried making my own wheel out of cardboard and sticks. My mom got me a wheel board game for Christmas one year and even an ornament too. Ahhh, now the next generation obsession begins. My girl tolerates it I think. She keeps asking if this is going to be our forever show now.
This post may be brain dump because I also wanted to capture a few things. First is that my son calls my girl by her name now. As long as he’s been able to talk he would call her sissy (not my term of endearment nanny started that one)....but over the last few weeks he all of a sudden just started calling her by her name. It seems such a small shift, but it just makes him seem like such a big boy now. He’s no longer closer to toddler and much closer to kindergartner. Sigh.
Plus after not hearing him say her name much for a few years it’s so strange to hear him say it.
The second one: as much as my girl thinks and acts like 6 going on 16, she still says ‘Alvin and the chickmunks”. I don’t correct her.
She’s already planning her birthday party in August. She starts months in advance, this one. She’s decided she wants an emoji birthday. Although it was poke.mon last week. We’ve been looking at her emoji pajamas and asking each other which ones we like best during our before bed talks. She’s trying to figure out which one she wants on her cake. That’s kind of our birthday tradition. You get to pick the theme and we do cake, presents, and have small group at house. I like the way we do it and it seems the kids do too. That may change when they go to the over the top parties, so I’m just happy where we are with it. Thus is s big birthday because I’ve told her for years when she turns 7 she can chew gum. Why I picked 7 I don’t know. So I told her all about Hubba bubba and she can’t wait.
We’ve also had some interesting conversations about secrets. Some of her ‘girlfriends’ at school were sharing secrets and she said her friend June told her something but she promised not to tell.
At first I felt like we shouldn’t have secrets at all, said as much, and she still didn’t want to share. So, I went researching to find out how to handle the best way. I came across several articles that say it’s normal development in child friendship building and what’s important is to help them understand difference between safe and unsafe secrets. She may be a bit young, but I kind of liked the idea. I’m certainly not going to be able to force her to share everything with me (as much as I want her to) and I think if I push too hard that will start a wall. So, the thought of saying that if she’s uncomfortable with anything or someone’s not safe, those secrets have to be shared with mom.
In some ways I’m an uber-protective mom and want to start early giving her words/tools to use. For the both of them really.—we all already talk about privates and no one touches them except themselves, mommy, or dr. I’ll have to see how the guidance on secrets works. Apparently it’s not an issue over the summer, my girl says, because she’s not at school. Okay then.
I’m in therapy with my sister again. I told her we need it. Turns out my sister didn’t end up back in the hospital-but was delayed even getting in touch with dr because they were closed. I just couldn’t understand how she thought the state she was in was ok. What I learned after talking to her during our therapy was that emotionally she’s not in good place. I think her dr had made some changes with her medicine that sent things wrong way. That became very clear to me in the session, as well as her therapist. Therapist suggested that just she and my sister meet for awhile which I couldn’t agree more. I think my sister needs her energy to focus on herself. We are scheduled to talk in therapy again mid next week and haven’t really been communicating much at all. I miss talking.
On the family building side...I did hear back from my known donor. He was quite open to donating now so I could try for a biological child. What I’ve learned since connecting with him and understanding more from drs office is that using a known donor is more complicated-well it is in my situation. More forms to sign, coordinating whether he would fly in to my drs office, how would I compensate him, etc. it’s so much more to think about besides just calling 1-800 ship.
It had me thinking more about things. I took a couple weeks to just soak on it. He had asked to see the language in the donor form so I did send that finally last week.
I’m not sure where this one will land. I’m kind of waiting to see his response and will decide from there. It just seems tricky to navigate these waters. Not impossible but it’s much more involved.
However, it’s not a decision I can sit on for long.
In what I think is good news (hopefully) is that my beast of a one year renovation project might finally be done beginning of next week. I’ve continued to have delays with the new contractor, pieces and parts of things missing, the ceiling beams not turning out right, landscaping turning out crappy etc. but I just keep pushing along to get it done. My realtor called a few weeks ago and asked if I wanted to sell because she might have a buyer. I initially thought about it, but given the sweat and tears and money in this thing, I couldn’t imagine just selling it to break even. Considering all the things I dealt with along the way, the fact that I can even break even is something. But, if I hold and rent it a few years I know I could actually make some money on it. Or even live in it! That plan is unlikely because even though I love the feel of it and how it’s turning out, my financial planning didn’t involve living in an expensive house and the schools are still city schools and are still slowly turning around. I just think renting it gives me time to think about it.
I’m ready to call this one done. I’ll have to post some before and after. The inside transformation is amazing. The outside still fits in the neighborhood because I left the original brick. It was beautiful and I couldn’t imagine painting or covering it. What’s crazy is that house has much better storage than my current house AND a dedicated office. I’m a bit envious.
Onwards to summer! Swimming lessons and Saturday basketball here we come.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
Information
i Can’t believe we only have a few weeks left this school year. My son will finish his pre-k 3 year and my girl will finish first grade. When did this happen?! Physically these kids have both stretched out so much this year and just look like ‘big kids’ now. I looked at my son tonight and I swear he just grew before my eyes. I fully expect both of them to be tall as that is on both sides. It’s not just physically there’s been a big change intellectually with both of them. I really love our dinner conversations and they are practicing what I do. My girl will randomly say ‘mom, what was the favorite part of your day?’. Then my son might throw in ‘what was the hardest part of your day?’ The thing I’m just loving right now is I’m truly enjoying hanging out with my kids. Of course more the moments between arguing, fussing, back talking etc. but it’s so fun to have conversations and see what they’re interested in, what friend misbehaved at school, what ‘naughty’ words are. Recently my son out of the complete blue said the F word. I didn’t hear it from me! (I don’t think anyway I’m pretty careful about that around them). He insists he doesn’t know where he heard it. Turkey.
I had my son’s patent teacher conference and it went great. They said such positive things like he goes with the flow, such a good helper, listens really well, and redirects if needed. That’s just the kind of kid he is and it made me proud that they love having him in class. Makes me feel like we’re doing some things right over here.
What I’ve spent a good week doing is gathering more information about my fertility. After the first follow up with my dr I was feeling encouraged, even though I didn’t have a plan yet about next steps. Then, after the coordinator emailed she offered for his colleague to call me to talk further about process, etc. in a nutshell, I walked away from that conversation totally deflated. She started out by asking what did I want to hear, what would make me feel positive. Ummm well, just be open. So she then shared that due to my age, even though my amh tested well, my age is a big factor in quality. If they get a good embryo chances are high, however trying to get a good embryo is the key. She threw out on high side 10% chance, more like 3-5%. Oof. Like really? Those odds not so good.
I told her I still wanted to see what the financial piece would look like so she sent me to coordinator and that was that.
Then, the biggest kicker of all—I have a known donor who donated at a bank years ago. It occurred to me that I should call to see if there was any supply left because if I couldn’t make a biological sibling that would be a deal breaker for me. And I found out the bank closed. Like permanently closed!! My stomach actually sank when I found that out online. Of course my mind raced to—well, the supply had to go somewhere, right? Long story short I reached out to the parent organization, got bounced around a few times, but learned that anything they had went to a ‘holding’ facility and even if it was there or not, laws would prevent them from distribution. Like crap. Double crap.
My only option would be to reach out directly and ask if he would donate some way somehow now. So much more complicated.
So after all that I decided you know what? Rather than just calling it quits I decided I needed to have another follow up with my dr. for my own peace of mind. I wanted to see what he had to say about his colleague’s info, my donor situation, the cost sheet, the protocol, etc.
So, I’m so glad I met him again. When I verbatim told him what his colleague told me that a) in her 3 years they haven’t had any success with own eggs at my age, and some have tried even older and b) the percentages of probable success he basically said no, no,no. He said most of the older women had age plus diminished ovarian reserve like 0.3 AMH that you can’t easily compare. Plus he’s known my history, we’ve had success, and he thinks it’s reasonable to try. I also asked him I don’t mean any disrespect but if I were to pursue, could he confirm that he would be calling the shots and he said yes, he would be. He also said working with a donor is not hard and they have protocols for that. I said sure, the hard part is trying to see if he would donate.
So yeah, if I were cynical (which I’m not) I could say he’s just trying to make money. However, since I’ve known him 13 years, we’ve been successful, and I trust his professionalism, I don’t think that’s the case. In addition, when I showed him the cost sheet that they had discounted some, he said they could work with me more on that since I’ve done so many procedures with them. Don’t know what that looks like but I sent off a note to the coordinator.
And, I emailed my donor.
I’m a firm believer data can only help. Once I know if I have any options I can decide from there. The bank certainly threw me for a loop but I’ll just see. I told the dr that I’m not sure what it is but I thought I’d be fine if the last transfer didn’t work. There’s something inner pushing me this direction so I’m just listening right now. At the end, I may not have a choice due to the donor, but again, will just see.
Besides all that, once again I was getting frustrated with my sister for not reaching out. I wanted to see how long it would take if I didn’t call her. And it had been a week so I finally called today and come to find out, she’s not been doing well. I can always tell when she’s taken some medicine and I started asking questions. Apparently she’s been falling again and passing out. For like a week now. It took awhile to get it out of her but she finally told me she fell in her bathroom last night, was bleeding, and didn’t know how long she had been that way. WTF.
I didn’t want to come on too strong because she would shut down but in my mind I was screaming oh my god what the heck, did you call the dr?? She said she hadn’t called DR even. WTF again. She should be in the hospital not her couch. Something is clearly wrong. I made her promise to call the Dr in the morning and I would call her after. She said she would call my dad for a ride. After we hung up I even called my dad and said he needs to check in her in the morning. He at least said she had called him.
I don’t even know what to think of the situation. She’s had some really rough issues lately and they seem to be more frequent. It’s very concerning. She lives by herself, which isn’t good, and I asked her if she’s been eating and she said no food in house, she was eating applesauce. Omg.
She’s just not thinking clearly if she hadn’t even called her Dr.
I am just hoping I hear from her tomorrow that she’s on her way to the hospital with my dad.
She just continues to struggle with her chronic illnesses.
Oy vey. I’m mentally tired now. I guess that’s enough update for today.
Thursday, April 25, 2019
So sweet
Just what I needed tonight....after a long work week.
My son was quite fussy this evening...I think due to still randomly waking up too early, like 6:00am even though his clock turns yellow and he can get up at 6:40am. It seems that after these last three weeks of allergies and coughing/sick he’s out of sync again. So, when he gets up too early he’s been pretty whiny, crying, and just tired.
Tonight he wanted shower instead of bath, so fine. When he was done he raced out of the bathroom to ‘hide’. One of his favorite things to do.
Then he started getting dressed and as he’s sitting in front of me he just pauses, looks at me, and says:”Mommy you are so beautiful”. I said thank you, gave him a kiss....then he says “just like a rainbow”. I gave him more hugs and kisses. Then he says, “a hundred rainbows”.
My heart just melted. So darn sweet.
And throughout all that my girl sat quietly watching shows with no fuss herself.
What started out a tough evening simply turned into a great one.
These moments are the best.
My son was quite fussy this evening...I think due to still randomly waking up too early, like 6:00am even though his clock turns yellow and he can get up at 6:40am. It seems that after these last three weeks of allergies and coughing/sick he’s out of sync again. So, when he gets up too early he’s been pretty whiny, crying, and just tired.
Tonight he wanted shower instead of bath, so fine. When he was done he raced out of the bathroom to ‘hide’. One of his favorite things to do.
Then he started getting dressed and as he’s sitting in front of me he just pauses, looks at me, and says:”Mommy you are so beautiful”. I said thank you, gave him a kiss....then he says “just like a rainbow”. I gave him more hugs and kisses. Then he says, “a hundred rainbows”.
My heart just melted. So darn sweet.
And throughout all that my girl sat quietly watching shows with no fuss herself.
What started out a tough evening simply turned into a great one.
These moments are the best.
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
Thinking
I’ve had some time to reflect post my
transfer not working and it’s been challenging.
On one hand, I feel confident that I did the right thing by giving it a
shot, one the other hand, it didn’t work and there’s a lot of thoughts tied up
in that. The time, effort, money, hope, resulted in nothing.
And….the hardest part is, I thought I
would feel a sense of relief that I was ‘done’…one way or the other. And that feeling just hasn’t come. I’m just
not at peace yet about it all.
I did have my follow up with the physician
and much as I expected, he didn’t have a reason as to why it didn’t work. He
genuinely said he was sorry, sometimes they just don’t work even if everything
was lined out right. We did talk about
the fact that we didn’t know whether the embryos were ‘normal’ since they weren’t
tested, and he did say he had a bit of trouble with the transfer—but honestly,
science and technology can only take you so far. My biggest question for him was—if I just wanted
to explore further with my own eggs, am I too old? Frankly, I was preparing myself for him to
say that yes, my time was up and I was too old—especially after all of the
reading I have done. However, surprisingly that’s not what he said. He said it’s
possible, and would depend on a few tests, one of those being AMH and the other
an ovary ultrasound, I think.
I left that appointment feeling a level
of hope, but not really sure about wanting to pursue and ‘start over’. There are way more hurdles now than 5 years
ago, but I told myself it can’t hurt to just do the blood test that day and
just see what the data tells us.
This is where I get a bit frustrated w/
the Dr.’s office. I had the test Friday April 12. The following Friday, the 19th
I got an email from the IVF coordinator asking about whether I was interested
in additional IVF and to let her know. I responded back that the Dr. and I had
discussed options but I was waiting for the AMH test he ordered to come back,
and the Dr. could advise from there.
Like, do these folks communicate with each other? I know that they have
a lot of patients, but after a failed cycle, you would think they would be
proactive to make sure they have the most up to date information. It just put
me off a bit---not even acknowledging the failed cycle…but asking hey, ready
for more? AND, without even checking with the Dr first even after knowing I had
a follow up consult with him. It just feels disappointing and very impersonal.
The reality is if I didn’t have such a
long history with this office, I’m not sure I would be as forgiving. But, the
Dr. is a specialist, he knows my entire medical history, I’ve been seeing him
since 2006, and I have confidence in him as a doctor. It’s not him….it’s his support staff that’s
been a journey. For awhile there, the front office people were terrible, now it’s
perhaps the coordinators.
Aside from all that, I had been logging
into the portal daily to see if the lab results were up. The Dr. said that if
the amh was less than 1.0 that wouldn’t be great and if it was close to zero,
like 0.3 or something, it wouldn’t be good at all. I had no idea what to expect, but my test
came back today at 1.41. The coordinator sent an email saying that the Dr.
would move forward w/ that result and would recommend doing 2 rounds of
retrieval with embryo testing. The coordinator said I could talk to his other
IVF Dr. about what process we would use….if I’m not mistaken, it’s more of a
mini ivf of sorts where they try to get fewer, but quality eggs.
In a way, this all would have been
easier if the Dr. said I was too old.
Some days, I feel old. I’m certainly not in the best shape and without a
doubt that would need to change if I wanted to pursue this. It’s kind of a now
or…..it’s not ever. This has been the
real struggle for me. While waiting on the test results I’ve continued to think
through if I really want to do this, put my mind and body through it, do I have
the energy for it, dealing with the hormones, etc.. with of course a
possibility of the same outcome I just had. I feel a level of anxiety about
it. It feels like such a bigger decision
than even moving forward w/ the embryo transfer I already had. Part of me is
leaning towards just getting as much information as I can such as: cost,
protocol. Timeline, etc.. then make a decision.
Parenting is dang hard at times…..but,
it’s in my soul what I want to be doing with my life. I’ve had a great career
and it’s what supports our life, but that isn’t my focus and hasn’t been for
awhile. I’m certain with my two children we will have lots of great
experiences/challenges, and it’s a matter of how far I want to or will go to
see if adding to our family is possible.
I don’t have an answer to that just yet.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
11 days pa.st Tra.nsfer and.........
Well.....no drum roll this time.....it did not work. I did the beta at the Dr office this morning. What I didn't share on here because I wanted to try and stay as neutral as possible and just felt like keeping it to myself was that I did home tests on day 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 past transfer. All negative. So, I was prepped for the call this afternoon. There was a very small piece of me that was holding out for the final confirmation because of all the crazy stories you can read about people getting positives 10+ days after transfer.
I now understand the difference in tests, however. I could never understand why people would torture themselves with the tests that have two lines, kinda, maybe, was it there a little...test. I've always thought in the past it seems much simpler to use the ones that say yes or no, right?
Well, naïve self, that's because during all my fertility treatments I've never had a negative test before. So, after staring down the digital read that said no, I researched and learned quickly that people use the line testers because they are more sensitive and can 'read' hcg at lower levels, thus why I did the same thing myself and bought ones that would show a line, maybe...sooner.
I think I'm still processing all of this. I kinda just thought since my labs were great, lining was great, hormone levels were great, and embryos were good quality and one was even hatching that this would just work. Honestly I think we gave them the best shot we/I could. This is where sometimes, it's just not in our hands and truly out of anyone's control.
The one thing I did not do was have them tested to see if they were "normal" embryos....my approach was let's see if it works first, then I would test later. I didn't test any embryos throughout my processes.
I'm supposed to have a followup with the Dr. next week to go over everything, which I will for sure go to....I suspect, though, that there won't really be a conclusive answer. They just didn't take.
Thankfully, I'm not feeling devastated because I have truly been blessed....and I now have an even greater appreciation for the fact that other than the one IVF cycle where I didn't get eggs, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. So many people struggle and I just never had any insight into it. I can't even imagine going through this cycle after cycle and not being successful. Not to mention all the money, crazy medication, the commitment to take said medication for what seems like all day every day.....just the whole process. Upon reflection it was a lot. I don't feel like an embryo transfer was any 'easier' than going through the whole IVF cycle.
I'm not sure what now....I truly was envisioning a family of four and in my mind it was a boy. Strange how you can get so far ahead, huh? I do have a small confession, though, that when one of the tests was negative I did feel a small hint of relief. I'm sure it was a day when I was tired from major lack of sleeping and not feeling good. While I had been hopeful throughout, I had also been thinking through the all sorts of crazy it would be with three and I would need to dig deep. It's confusing me because where I'm struggling a bit is the "finality" part of all this. I have no more embryos with 38 year old eggs. I'm 44 now. I suspect what I am working through is maybe normal? I (maybe naively) thought that if this process didn't work I'd be fine because I had given my remaining embryos a chance at life. That's the most I could do. I just don't feel as settled as I thought I would.
In closing, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I absolutely do understand how fortunate I am to be a mother of two. I think I worry that someone reading this might think otherwise...especially those who have really struggled. I think everyone's story/journey is personal and for me, already being a mother didn't negate my hope for this one as well.
I now understand the difference in tests, however. I could never understand why people would torture themselves with the tests that have two lines, kinda, maybe, was it there a little...test. I've always thought in the past it seems much simpler to use the ones that say yes or no, right?
Well, naïve self, that's because during all my fertility treatments I've never had a negative test before. So, after staring down the digital read that said no, I researched and learned quickly that people use the line testers because they are more sensitive and can 'read' hcg at lower levels, thus why I did the same thing myself and bought ones that would show a line, maybe...sooner.
I think I'm still processing all of this. I kinda just thought since my labs were great, lining was great, hormone levels were great, and embryos were good quality and one was even hatching that this would just work. Honestly I think we gave them the best shot we/I could. This is where sometimes, it's just not in our hands and truly out of anyone's control.
The one thing I did not do was have them tested to see if they were "normal" embryos....my approach was let's see if it works first, then I would test later. I didn't test any embryos throughout my processes.
I'm supposed to have a followup with the Dr. next week to go over everything, which I will for sure go to....I suspect, though, that there won't really be a conclusive answer. They just didn't take.
Thankfully, I'm not feeling devastated because I have truly been blessed....and I now have an even greater appreciation for the fact that other than the one IVF cycle where I didn't get eggs, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. So many people struggle and I just never had any insight into it. I can't even imagine going through this cycle after cycle and not being successful. Not to mention all the money, crazy medication, the commitment to take said medication for what seems like all day every day.....just the whole process. Upon reflection it was a lot. I don't feel like an embryo transfer was any 'easier' than going through the whole IVF cycle.
I'm not sure what now....I truly was envisioning a family of four and in my mind it was a boy. Strange how you can get so far ahead, huh? I do have a small confession, though, that when one of the tests was negative I did feel a small hint of relief. I'm sure it was a day when I was tired from major lack of sleeping and not feeling good. While I had been hopeful throughout, I had also been thinking through the all sorts of crazy it would be with three and I would need to dig deep. It's confusing me because where I'm struggling a bit is the "finality" part of all this. I have no more embryos with 38 year old eggs. I'm 44 now. I suspect what I am working through is maybe normal? I (maybe naively) thought that if this process didn't work I'd be fine because I had given my remaining embryos a chance at life. That's the most I could do. I just don't feel as settled as I thought I would.
In closing, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I absolutely do understand how fortunate I am to be a mother of two. I think I worry that someone reading this might think otherwise...especially those who have really struggled. I think everyone's story/journey is personal and for me, already being a mother didn't negate my hope for this one as well.
Thursday, April 4, 2019
6 days pa.st Tra.nsfer
So yesterday and today I’ve had some really bad cramping. I have to say they feel very much like bad AF cramps. I’ve also had some small breakouts on my face, my chest is still sore, however, that ramped up with the additional progesterone. I also feel super bloated. Clearly a lot of symptoms that happen on a monthly basis. I’m trying my best to stay neutral/keep an open mind, etc but it’s been hard. I don’t want to write any hard statements as I just don’t want something black and white in the universe....so I won’t.
I’ve been researching like a fool testing, symptoms, how many Days Pa.st Tran.sfer does everything happen. I’ve had plenty of time to do that because even though I hadn’t had a drop of caffeine since last Friday (until a small bit this afternoon), I have slept terribly. Can’t get to sleep until 1-2 am. Wake up every hour until kids come in around 6:30-6:45am. I’m feeling the effects of that tonight.
I’ve been also researching how early a blood test can be done and since I didn’t have a trigger shot it seems they could maybe test me sooner. I might at least ask if that’s possible.
A nice surprise when I came home late tonight is both kids ran outside even! to greet me. Both of them giving me hugs and saying how much they missed me. Nanny told me my son was counting down the minutes until I got there. If I knew how much love I would get for being really late...might have to do it more often. Ha!
It just felt so nice...so that’s what I will focus on.
I’ve been researching like a fool testing, symptoms, how many Days Pa.st Tran.sfer does everything happen. I’ve had plenty of time to do that because even though I hadn’t had a drop of caffeine since last Friday (until a small bit this afternoon), I have slept terribly. Can’t get to sleep until 1-2 am. Wake up every hour until kids come in around 6:30-6:45am. I’m feeling the effects of that tonight.
I’ve been also researching how early a blood test can be done and since I didn’t have a trigger shot it seems they could maybe test me sooner. I might at least ask if that’s possible.
A nice surprise when I came home late tonight is both kids ran outside even! to greet me. Both of them giving me hugs and saying how much they missed me. Nanny told me my son was counting down the minutes until I got there. If I knew how much love I would get for being really late...might have to do it more often. Ha!
It just felt so nice...so that’s what I will focus on.
Monday, April 1, 2019
3 days pa.st Tra.nsfer
I'm just not sure on this one. I really am not sure. I've felt some aches/pulling here and there but it has been very infrequent and not very intense or strong. My chest has become pretty tender, however, I've totally upped my progesterone, so I'm not sure on that one either. In the mornings, especially, I feel pretty much nothing. It's hard to not allow yourself to make conclusions too early because as they all say, "you never know", but my mind has been wondering. I'm trying to not focus too much, but c'mon....who doesn't want to know what's going on there, right?!
I've looked back through my old posts from both my daughter and my son to see what I felt and when. For my daughter we did a 3 day fresh transfer and I had symptoms pretty much right away....chest extremely tender that it hurt to change my clothes, regular cramping, noted one really strong twinge 4 days past transfer. I tested for the first time 7 days past the fresh transfer and got a positive. For my son we did a frozen transfer with 5 day. 1 day past transfer I felt some twinges in my lower left part of uterus and it had a 'fullness' feeling. I noted that I felt normal and good. I mentioned I had a lot of twingy crampy zingers the first few days, but after 4 days I didn't feel a whole lot and not much seemed different. My chest wasn't unusually sore although I thought I noticed some blue veining, but wasn't sure. I ended up testing 5 days past the 5 day transfer and got the positive. Apparently the timer took awhile.
So, all that to say.....I just need to wait some more.
Ugh.
I've looked back through my old posts from both my daughter and my son to see what I felt and when. For my daughter we did a 3 day fresh transfer and I had symptoms pretty much right away....chest extremely tender that it hurt to change my clothes, regular cramping, noted one really strong twinge 4 days past transfer. I tested for the first time 7 days past the fresh transfer and got a positive. For my son we did a frozen transfer with 5 day. 1 day past transfer I felt some twinges in my lower left part of uterus and it had a 'fullness' feeling. I noted that I felt normal and good. I mentioned I had a lot of twingy crampy zingers the first few days, but after 4 days I didn't feel a whole lot and not much seemed different. My chest wasn't unusually sore although I thought I noticed some blue veining, but wasn't sure. I ended up testing 5 days past the 5 day transfer and got the positive. Apparently the timer took awhile.
So, all that to say.....I just need to wait some more.
Ugh.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
1 Day pa.st Tra.nsfer
Well folks, transfer = check! Overall the day yesterday went about as smoothly as it could have, I think. So after finally sorting out what I was going to do about childcare, I was able to breathe a big sigh of relief. I was certainly worried about trying to make sure all of that was sorted in a way that wouldn't create more stress for me.
The day started with me getting to sleep in (well still woke up at 6:00 something), but didn't have to get up to be anywhere early. I took my time packing my bag, a cooler to take some drinks and healthy foods like cucumber, nuts, fruit, yogurt, almond milk etc., and all of my extras like my whole bag of fertility medication and calendar. I took a shower and was finally ready around 11:00am. Before heading out I left each of my kids a personal note saying that I loved them and I would see them soon. I left my daughter's on her bed and my son's on his chair in his room. ( I found out today that they didn't find my son's boo hoo) . Anyway, I decided that I should stop by my hotel since it was on the way because I wanted to see what I could do with all of my stuff i.e. since we aren't supposed to lift anything over 10lbs after transfer. I wasn't sure if they would let me check in early or at least leave my bags there, or something. The girl at check in could not have been nicer, she looked me up in the system and actually offered me an upgraded room so I could check in early. I am at an embass.y sui.tes and it is new and super nice. I told her I was interested in quiet so she put in me in a corner room...well actually rooms, because it's a separate bedroom and living room. For some reason making sure my laptop was locked up was on my mind, so the fact that I could do that made me feel so much better. I brought everything up, set up shop, then headed over to my appointment.
I was a few minutes late after 11:30am, but I didn't worry too much because they are almost always behind. And yesterday was no exception. I sat in the reception area and tried to key into how I was feeling. And the best way I can describe was just....calm. I felt so at peace with what I was doing and where I was at with this process. I was a bit anxious/worried about what would happen when the embryos thawed, etc. but other than that I just felt good. The nurse's name is Alex (she's been there for all of my fertility processes and procedures) and she finally called me back.
She asked about my bladder and I told her I has been drinking quite a bit, so she said to just take the val.ium and stop drinking. As she took me in the changing room she said, "So we are transferring two?"....I said I think so and asked if she knew how the thaw went and what we had. She said we had two really good embryos!! At that moment excitement coursed through me like I haven't felt in a very long time. Like little kid going to a theme park excited. I was thinking that they had thawed two and I still had one they were holding.
Here I am at the changing room....
Now that the transfer was done I decided I was hungry and drove to one of my favorite greek places right close the Dr.'s office. I was debating whether I should just go back to the hotel and rest some more like I did after my last transfer with my son OR would it be okay to sit up in there for a bit. They told me I did not have strict bedrest and to go about my day as usual (following the rules of course), but for some reason my anxiety kicked in and I was like....what if me sitting here affects the implantation? What if because I didn't go straight back to hotel I somehow messed it up? Your mind can do crazy things during this process and I finally just said relax, go eat.
Then I headed back to the hotel, took a nap, and watched a lot of march madness basketball in my nice, relaxing hotel room. I ate a lot of the food I brought for dinner and just hung out.
I did check on the kids with nanny and ended up calling her daughter because I had forgotten to tell them to make sure they give my son his zy.rtec. If he doesn't get his dose at night, he ends up sneezing/coughing most of the night. It's been really bad for him this year. He just touches his eye with a bit of pollen and they almost swell shut. I talked to the kids a bit and it was just so great hearing their high-pitched voices over the phone. I told both of them I loved them and would see them soon. My son was asking when I was coming back and where was I, etc.. The conversation was short, I guess her daughter decided they were done!
When nanny got home I was that paranoid mom and asked her to have her daughter show her what she gave my son for the medicine. I was worried she wouldn't do it right. But, it was fine. Both kids were sleeping when nanny texted she got home.
In terms of symptoms, how I felt, etc...I would say I felt some twingy-ing, some pulling. Off and on from coming back to the Dr.'s office into the evening.
That was all yesterday and now today....I woke up early again! around 7 something. As I laid here I wanted to tune into how I was physically feeling. Interestingly enough, I felt absolutely nothing. Like I felt no twingy-ness, no pulling.....everything was just quiet in my body.
Of course the worry set in and I started goo.gling symptoms after f.e.t, no symptoms, etc. and there's just too much mixed info out there. The one thing most things say is don't over analyze. It's one thing to say, another to do. I even looked at what happened last time around and it seemed I did have some feelings the first few days after transfer, but also wasn't sure even then if all was ok. And we know that did turn out. I'm just going to have to relax and hope.
I took a shower early and headed downstairs to the continental breakfast which was probably the best one I've ever been to that was included in the room rate. I actually even booked this hotel with points I earned from all the work travel I had done to Colorado, etc..so it didn't cost me anything except breakfast tip!A full buffet, plus made to order omelets etc. Really pretty good.
Then I came back up to my room by 9:00-ish and thought to myself....what I am I going to do all day? It's been maybe over a year since I've stayed the night away from the kids and had a whole day to myself. I seriously wonder what I did with all my time before kids. Like having all day to do as little or as much as I wanted? I was so mixed about it like, wow, how glorious, and the other piece of me was like what time is it, can I make the soccer game?
It was a good reminder of how all consuming being a parent is.....like you are constantly checking the time to see if it's snack time, lunch time, rest time, play time, etc..and wondering have they gone potty lately, are they arguing again, what should we plan today, etc....when you are in the throws of it, it kind of is just normal everyday, and it isn't until you are removed that it's like wow.....parenting is such a big responsibility and all consuming....especially when you go it on your own.
I did want to go to that soccer game and surprise them.....but I did not. I ended up surfing the net and taking a 3 hour nap! Then I talked on the phone to a few folks and started watching march madness again.....then ordered some pizza, and here I sit sharing this story.
I'd say I am still a bit nervous about the lack of much symptoms--like oh crap, did this not work?, but I'm trying not to dwell and remain calm and positive. I do miss my littles even though I've only been gone one day. Hearing their voices today just made me want to tear up. What can I say.....I love 'em.
The day started with me getting to sleep in (well still woke up at 6:00 something), but didn't have to get up to be anywhere early. I took my time packing my bag, a cooler to take some drinks and healthy foods like cucumber, nuts, fruit, yogurt, almond milk etc., and all of my extras like my whole bag of fertility medication and calendar. I took a shower and was finally ready around 11:00am. Before heading out I left each of my kids a personal note saying that I loved them and I would see them soon. I left my daughter's on her bed and my son's on his chair in his room. ( I found out today that they didn't find my son's boo hoo) . Anyway, I decided that I should stop by my hotel since it was on the way because I wanted to see what I could do with all of my stuff i.e. since we aren't supposed to lift anything over 10lbs after transfer. I wasn't sure if they would let me check in early or at least leave my bags there, or something. The girl at check in could not have been nicer, she looked me up in the system and actually offered me an upgraded room so I could check in early. I am at an embass.y sui.tes and it is new and super nice. I told her I was interested in quiet so she put in me in a corner room...well actually rooms, because it's a separate bedroom and living room. For some reason making sure my laptop was locked up was on my mind, so the fact that I could do that made me feel so much better. I brought everything up, set up shop, then headed over to my appointment.
I was a few minutes late after 11:30am, but I didn't worry too much because they are almost always behind. And yesterday was no exception. I sat in the reception area and tried to key into how I was feeling. And the best way I can describe was just....calm. I felt so at peace with what I was doing and where I was at with this process. I was a bit anxious/worried about what would happen when the embryos thawed, etc. but other than that I just felt good. The nurse's name is Alex (she's been there for all of my fertility processes and procedures) and she finally called me back.
She asked about my bladder and I told her I has been drinking quite a bit, so she said to just take the val.ium and stop drinking. As she took me in the changing room she said, "So we are transferring two?"....I said I think so and asked if she knew how the thaw went and what we had. She said we had two really good embryos!! At that moment excitement coursed through me like I haven't felt in a very long time. Like little kid going to a theme park excited. I was thinking that they had thawed two and I still had one they were holding.
Here I am at the changing room....
I couldn't help myself but to take some pictures. I put on gown, hairnet, booties, and made my way into the procedure gurney area. There are 3 beds in the there, however I was the only one. I asked Alex why it was so quiet and she said it wasn't like that in the morning and I was the first of the afternoon. She and I talked a bit and I shared with her that my girl was 6 and my son was 4 already. She couldn't believe it since she was around when they came to be! I also shared that I was back again because I just didn't feel like I could leave my embryos behind. Even though I know it will about to be crazy if all works as I am a single choice mom, I just felt like it was the right thing to do. She really identified with what I was saying. She actually shared with me that she's been a single mom since her daughter was 4 and she's 22 now. She also said that she has 4 kids, is a grandma already, and still has 3 of her own embryos frozen. She said she can't bring her herself to do anything with them....so yeah, she really understood.
Since I had taken the val.ium I was very relaxed and felt fine waiting for everything to get started. Then, the embryologist came in and gave me a print out of the two embryos they will be transferring. She said they were B quality and the third one was less. I said wait a minute, they thawed all three? She said yes, Dr. told them to thaw all three and use the best two. I guess I had misunderstood the nurse earlier as I didn't realize they had thawed all three. It hit me that this was it. This was the end of the journey no matter which way it was going to go. I asked about that third one and she said that the cells were a bit disorganized and leaving it in to transfer would not really help. I asked if they refreeze it? and she said no, it wasn't the right quality. Basically, it was just the two of the three. I can say that my heart sank a little bit. For about 20 minutes I had the idea that if this transfer didn't work I would have one last chance....and then I learned that I don't. It kind of upped the ante for me on this process.
She gave me the pieces of paper, one was the summary of what they thawed and that I have no remaining embryos in storage and the other was the picture of the two they were going to transfer.
After she left I looked more closely at the pictures and kissed each one of them. And teared up a bit.
In my mind I just said...."let's do this".
Dr. came in and asked how everything was going and how did my stomach issues pan out? I told him I got it checked out but they didn't find anything significant, so that was good. Then he asked if I had gotten the lov.enox blood thinner that I took all of my pregnancy both times due to the blood clot in my first pregnancy...I said yes, I had gotten that too. I didn't actually bring it to my hotel and I was thinking I wasn't going to start it until I got a positive pregnancy, but I will follow instructions and take it tomorrow.
Somewhere in all this another couple was back in the gurney area in the bed next to mine. We are only partitioned by a curtain so can hear a lot. However, they weren't talking much and it really was just nice to relax and wait for them to come get me.
It was finally go time and Alex came to get me and we walked into the other procedure room. I laid on the table, scooched myself down and tried to stay as relaxed as possible. The Dr. was trying to use one of the tools (a speculum maybe?) and he just couldn't get it to do what he wanted so they tried another one...and maybe even a third I'm not sure. Finally they got it. It was uncomfortable, for sure, but not painful. Then Alex was using an ultrasound on top of my uterus so they could find the exact spot where they wanted to transfer. I was watching the ultrasound screen (not really sure what I was seeing) and she kept pressing in different areas. Pretty hard, I might add....but tolerable. They were trying to put the tube/catheter?in place and he was needing to work at that too. Apparently there was a curve that he was trying to follow around. I could definitely them weaving around to where it was supposed to go. In the meantime they put my name and my two embryos up on a big screen on the wall. They asked if that was my name, I said yes. Then I noticed one of the embryos looked a bit wonky and wonders of all wonder they said one of the embryos was hatching out of it's shell!! It was just so exciting to see and they all said that was very good.
Once everything was all in place Dr. said we are good, and I then saw on the screen a needle? suck up the two embryos and then they were handed to the Dr.. He put them in the specific spot they had marked on the ultrasound screen, and that was it. Alex leaned over to show me a white line...which were my newly implanted embryos. Both of them said this was 'a good transfer'.
All of that took maybe 10 minutes total. That was it. Once he was done I scooted over to another gurney and they wheeled me back to where I started. Alex told me to go ahead and lay there for about 20-30 minutes. I was so relaxed I think I maybe feel asleep a time or two. And just like that she came back and said I was done. I said I hope I wasn't snoring! She laughed and said after a certain age we all snore....and that I could get dressed and head out. No lifting over 10 lbs, no working out, no caffeine....and blood test in two weeks.
Now that the transfer was done I decided I was hungry and drove to one of my favorite greek places right close the Dr.'s office. I was debating whether I should just go back to the hotel and rest some more like I did after my last transfer with my son OR would it be okay to sit up in there for a bit. They told me I did not have strict bedrest and to go about my day as usual (following the rules of course), but for some reason my anxiety kicked in and I was like....what if me sitting here affects the implantation? What if because I didn't go straight back to hotel I somehow messed it up? Your mind can do crazy things during this process and I finally just said relax, go eat.
Then I headed back to the hotel, took a nap, and watched a lot of march madness basketball in my nice, relaxing hotel room. I ate a lot of the food I brought for dinner and just hung out.
I did check on the kids with nanny and ended up calling her daughter because I had forgotten to tell them to make sure they give my son his zy.rtec. If he doesn't get his dose at night, he ends up sneezing/coughing most of the night. It's been really bad for him this year. He just touches his eye with a bit of pollen and they almost swell shut. I talked to the kids a bit and it was just so great hearing their high-pitched voices over the phone. I told both of them I loved them and would see them soon. My son was asking when I was coming back and where was I, etc.. The conversation was short, I guess her daughter decided they were done!
When nanny got home I was that paranoid mom and asked her to have her daughter show her what she gave my son for the medicine. I was worried she wouldn't do it right. But, it was fine. Both kids were sleeping when nanny texted she got home.
In terms of symptoms, how I felt, etc...I would say I felt some twingy-ing, some pulling. Off and on from coming back to the Dr.'s office into the evening.
That was all yesterday and now today....I woke up early again! around 7 something. As I laid here I wanted to tune into how I was physically feeling. Interestingly enough, I felt absolutely nothing. Like I felt no twingy-ness, no pulling.....everything was just quiet in my body.
Of course the worry set in and I started goo.gling symptoms after f.e.t, no symptoms, etc. and there's just too much mixed info out there. The one thing most things say is don't over analyze. It's one thing to say, another to do. I even looked at what happened last time around and it seemed I did have some feelings the first few days after transfer, but also wasn't sure even then if all was ok. And we know that did turn out. I'm just going to have to relax and hope.
I took a shower early and headed downstairs to the continental breakfast which was probably the best one I've ever been to that was included in the room rate. I actually even booked this hotel with points I earned from all the work travel I had done to Colorado, etc..so it didn't cost me anything except breakfast tip!A full buffet, plus made to order omelets etc. Really pretty good.
Then I came back up to my room by 9:00-ish and thought to myself....what I am I going to do all day? It's been maybe over a year since I've stayed the night away from the kids and had a whole day to myself. I seriously wonder what I did with all my time before kids. Like having all day to do as little or as much as I wanted? I was so mixed about it like, wow, how glorious, and the other piece of me was like what time is it, can I make the soccer game?
It was a good reminder of how all consuming being a parent is.....like you are constantly checking the time to see if it's snack time, lunch time, rest time, play time, etc..and wondering have they gone potty lately, are they arguing again, what should we plan today, etc....when you are in the throws of it, it kind of is just normal everyday, and it isn't until you are removed that it's like wow.....parenting is such a big responsibility and all consuming....especially when you go it on your own.
I did want to go to that soccer game and surprise them.....but I did not. I ended up surfing the net and taking a 3 hour nap! Then I talked on the phone to a few folks and started watching march madness again.....then ordered some pizza, and here I sit sharing this story.
I'd say I am still a bit nervous about the lack of much symptoms--like oh crap, did this not work?, but I'm trying not to dwell and remain calm and positive. I do miss my littles even though I've only been gone one day. Hearing their voices today just made me want to tear up. What can I say.....I love 'em.
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