New Year's Eve

I have another list of things I wanted to capture and have a few minutes quiet. The children are w/ the babysitter at the store.

I was walking w/ my girl the other day in our neighborhood and we came up to the end of the sidewalk and needed to cross the street.  I told her we needed to hold hands, like we always do.....and when we were walking I told her that she behaved very nicely that day (her brother was super fussy) and she played independently, didn't fuss hardly at all, was helpful, and overall we just had a good day. So I told her all of those things and she responds...."I'm so proud of you".
It's nice to know that what I say to her is sticking.

She still has trouble w/ the I, you, me, her, he, him words.....when she wants help she says "Help you". Everyone seems to be a her.  Even Santa and her brother. She usually says you when she means me. Clearly I know what she is saying.

Funny: We were drawing w/ her new cray.ola desk she got for christmas and we were coloring shapes, people, etc. and I decided to draw a slide. Then I drew a swingset and told her there were swings. Next thing I know she has her head on the ground, her bum in the air, and proceeds to bend her bum down to the paper. She says, "I sit.".
Can't remember last time I laughed that hard.....it was hilarious because she was so serious.

I have to call it. My son is sleeping through the night!! YEEHAW ALMIGHTY IS MAMA HAPPY!  It's been a slow progression of skipping feedings. He would settle for the night around 7pm and early on he'd still eat at 9, then 12, then 3, etc....then he started sleeping past the 9 pm many weeks ago. Then several weeks ago he started sleeping through the 12 also.  And NOW??  The last few nights he's slept from around 8 pm to 5:15am!!I couldn't believe it!!  The other thing that is great is he has learned to put himself to sleep. Now, he doesn't nap well during the day so he is exhausted by night.....but after I put babygirl to bed between 7-7:30pm I put him in his rocker in my room next to my bed.  It is nice, dark, and warm for him....sometimes I lay in there, sometimes not. He doesn't cry or scream....he just sort of chews on his hands and makes baby noises. Soon enough it is quiet. I am so hopeful he continues this as I would like him to learn how to put himself to sleep.
His sister on the other hand.....no joke my almost 2 1/2 year old has been up every TWO hours almost for the last 2 nights. How is it that my almost 3 month old sleeps better than she does??????
She keeps waking up and says, "More milk mama" or "come here Mama". She wants her milk to go back to sleep. This terrible habit was created early on when her nanny gave her a bottle in her bed to nap and it's been that way every since because she fought it when not given a bottle.
Hindsight I should have taken her bottles away at 1 year old and not looked back. The little bit of pain then would have helped me now.  Now, I think I will wait until my boy is 1 year old and get rid of them ALL. It has become her comfort and I just don't want to take it away considering he has bottles all day long and they are everywhere.
The other thing I wonder is if she is cold. She doesn't keep blankets on her and I've tried putting another layer underneath her jammies. I may just boil down to she is just used to me coming in her room whenever she wakes up.  A habit we need to fix and it just exhausts me.

I wanted to share a picture of my son's dresser I got refinished. I just got it back in the house the other day and it is absolutely gorgeous. The guy who worked on it did an amazing job and it really is a beautiful piece. I almost don't want to use it for fear of it getting scratched, etc.. It went to him late Sept and I just got it end of Dec...so it took awhile but well worth the wait.
My babysitter had it on her back porch for several months. One of the neighbors had it out on a trash pile so their friend picked it up.  When I had such a hard time finding the right 'stuff' for my nursery, my babysitter told their friend either pick it up or she was going to give it to me.  Well, I got it. I found the refinisher online and here is what is looked like before:

BEFORE:

 AFTER:

Incredible.


We are just staying in for New Year's tonight......my children go to bed around 7pm and I frankly just want to rest and relax. I'll hear plenty of fireworks outside and my T.v. to watch the ball drop works just fine. That is if my eyes are still open.

Happy New Year to all...................

It's Christmas Eve

I was trying to think of the story....the one where it says all is quiet....something..not even a mouse....well, that's what it is right now. The babes are in bed, the wrapping is finally done, and I have picked up the house ready for our day tomorrow.  I am relaxing here in the recliner and looking at the full stockings, one for baby girl, baby boy, and my sister. I have one hanging too and my sister threw something in about 10 minutes ago so I wouldn't feel left out. My eyes are starting to get heavy so this won't be long.....

We had planned to go to a candlelight service tonight but we were just plain too tired.  This afternoon we went downtown to the aquarium and by the time we got home, cooked dinner, and fed the children, we both just said heck w/ it. It was amazingly quiet at the aquarium so we got to see all the exhibits/tanks w/ relatively no one around. It was GREAT.  We saw the penguin feeding time which was kind of neat. My girl really enjoyed it, the seahorses especially....but mostly climbing on whatever she could. My son slept almost the entire time.

I'll leave you w/ this. I've mentioned that my girl can be unpredictable at meal times and quite picky about what she eats....well, now we can add pancake artist. Here's what I saw the other night when she was 'finished' eating.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

My toddler

In case I haven't been clear in previous posts....toddlers can be so tough. I mean really tough.  My daughter has been a handful....in the beginning she just whined a lot. Now, in addition to the whining there are temper tantrums, throwing everything she can get her hands on, hitting phases, and now....dum dum dum.....NOT LISTENING AT ALL!  I mean to almost anything.

Maybe I was spoiled earlier on in that I didn't realize how well she listened when I asked her to do something.
Example: "Baby, come here let's put on your shoes."  Over she would walk and we would put on her shoes.

Example Now: "Baby, come here let's put on your shoes."  Blank stare.  "Baby, it's time to go, let's put on your shoes." Rolls over says no. "BAby...C'mon...we have to go." Silence.  "If you don't get over here by the count of 3 I'm going to come get you" Blank stare, half smile. "1-2-3". No movement.  "Alright I've had it, get over here and get your shoes on NOW".
Because of this newfound selective hearing, it seems to take forever to do anything these days....put her pajamas on, put her shoes on, change clothes, get in the bathtub, get in the car and in her seat, back in the house after playtime.....Oh.Em. Gee.
I also haven't found anything that has worked to get her to listen better. I've explained that she needs to listen, tried to tell her it upsets mama, I've raised my voice.....the only thing that has a mild effect is now I use the "Go to your room". She will go, but even that doesn't do much to stop it further.
I am hopeful this is something she will outgrow....and soon.

I've been carrying around a piece of paper of all the little things she's been saying or doing over last few months. I've had to capture things 'old school' since it takes awhile for me to actually log in and type it all out! Anyway.....
--the other night at dinner she was trying to get a peach on her fork. She kept trying and trying and couldn't do it.....she was so intent and says..."C'MON peach..."  It was just cute.
--she loves to go outside. She will come grab my hand, pull me, and say "Wet's go mommy, wet's go".
--When she is whining, crying, or otherwise upset I'll tell her to calm down.  She says "OK, trying".
--She still isn't the best sleeper. Getting her to sleep can sometimes be rough. After I've put her down and she can't settle down she will call out for me.  It starts by her saying "mommy" (low voice). If I don't answer she gets progressively louder. "Mah-may." "MAH-may." " MAAAAH-MAAAAAY!."  One night I just yelled out drink your bottle. She simply said OK, and went back to sleep!  On another night night I went to her crib and I told her to stop yelling. She said ok. I went out to the living room and I hear her little voice say quite calmly and clearly  "Come here please".
--She runs down the sidewalk and yells...."I'm runnang! I'm runnaaaaaang!"
--She loves to drink whatever anyone else has.  She will walk over, put her finger to her mouth, tap on it and say "one sip, one sip".
--She knows her alphabet letters and all her colors.
--When the baby sneezes she says "Bless you Baby".
--She is pretty good about saying thank you.  It's so funny to hear this little voice say, "tank you mommy" after giving her a popsicle.
--At night and in the morning she typically sits on my lap in the rocker.  I think we both enjoy this time because she asks regularly for "rocker" "snuggle wuggle".
--She was watching a show where she was learning letters and one day they said 'saddle'. For some reason she loved that word because right in the middle of saying her letters she'll say, A....B....F....SADDLE!
--In the morning she sometimes soaks through her jammies. We call this super-soaked. If that happens, when I come in to get her she says supsoak tu-tub. She's supersoaked and wants a bath. I take her out and hold her at arms length through to the bathroom door and she holds her leg out behind her to kick open the door almost every time.
--If she leaves the room for awhile I'll call for her and ask her what she's doing. I hear her yell out.."I'm still pooping."  Sometimes she'll come to me and say 'hard one'.
--My heart melted the other day when on her own she came up, sat on my lap, gave me a hug, and said "I wuv you mommy, I wuv you". Oh my word did my heart swell on that one.
--The only kind of discipline that semi-works is for me to tell her to go to her room.  It's kind of hilarious......she runs to her room, yells out WAH, WAH twice. Says I all done, and comes back out.
If only it stayed that simple.
--When she's done something she thinks is naughty she says "Oh Honeeeey". I couldn't figure out why she kept saying that until I realized that's what I say to her when I find her doing something--like tearing up a favorite book. I would walk over and say "Oh honey, what did you do?".

I still haven't figured out what to do about her diet. She is not adventurous and doesn't like to try new things. She likes her mac/cheese, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, eggs. What I try to do is at least give her turkey dogs, non-fried chicken nuggets, organic mac and cheese......but still. I know it's a toddler thing, but it's just so difficult to add something new to the mix. If it doesn't come out of a box and is pre-made, she just doesn't seem to want it.  At least she will eat some vegetables--cucumber, green beans, broccoli, carrots and many different fruits.  Ironically, one of her favorite things to eat is the 'fruit' snacks.

Oh my girl...it's during these times I would love to ask my mom if I was like this as a child. I suspect so...always pushing boundaries, into everything, exploring all the time, on the go until put to bed, interested in books....oh wait, back to constantly testing limits!
She may be a handful but she is also very sweet, charming, and can be pretty darn funny at times.....we've been sharing more 'moments' of laughing together and her communication is getting more detailed all the time. She is stringing sentences together, bringing up things she remembered from the day. It's interesting to hear the things that pop out of her mouth i..e what she's thinking about. Sometimes at night when I go to her room after she calls out, she'll just start talking....it's almost like we are having a conversation because she seems very serious/intent on telling me what's on her mind. I secretly enjoy this even though I am usually in there to tell her to go/back to sleep.

We are getting ready for Christmas. Most of my shopping done and house has been decorated for awhile. My sister is coming into town and unfortunately she's had a bah-humbug attitude so I hope she can turn it around. I've been thinking about how I am going to handle it because frankly I don't want her to bring me down. I'd love to have a nice, joyful holiday w/ positive energy. Don't think that's too much to ask. If it gets to be too much I may just call her on the carpet and tell her to get it together. It still bothers me that I am thinking this way because I just wish I could depend on her showing up and we have fun together. I have found w/ the last few trips that we just don't laugh much. I can only hope for the best and be sure that me and the kids have a great one no matter what.

Holidays and Kids...oh my!

I have had countless blogs in my head and a bunch of anxiety about not posting for awhile....there is so much I want to capture and share, but..........would I rather sleep or type?  Sleep wins.  At night if I am lucky enough that I have a little time when both are sleeping, I pretty much throw myself on the couch, try to watch my D.VR'd shows that are almost at 100% full, and fall asleep in about 5 minutes.
I am here tonight because I had some caffeine today (I don't do that very often) and my boy has finally started to sleep better at night. Now sleeping during the day is another story.

If I rewind and sum up how it's been since home from hospital....exhausting in the best way possible. Baby boy is almost 10 weeks now and the first 8 were TOUGH w/ a capital T. I think it's safe to say that he had mild colic.  His tummy gave him sooo much trouble that even after the switching of formulas and all the other stuff I did to try and help, nothing really did. At his 2 month check up the Dr. basically said we've done as much as we could and  it eases up at around 10-12 weeks.  He didn't have the scream for hours for no reason, but he just wasn't comfortable, cried and fussed a lot during he day, and wouldn't go back to sleep at night after eating for a long time.  It's just been over the past few weeks that he's started to sleep better at night i.e. he sometimes sleeps through a 3 hour feed time at 9pm (so sleeps from around 7 or 8 until 12midnight) and falls back asleep after bottles (for the most part). That's mostly because he doesn't nap much during the day, he is wide awake and still somewhat fussy, but at least the nights are better.
A few nights I've put baby girl to bed, then put baby boy in his rocker in my room around same time and Lo and behold I have some time where all is quiet.  Interestingly enough baby boy has learned to put himself to sleep--which I found out by accident.  One night after feeding/changing/rocking, etc. he just wouldn't go to sleep so I said to heck w/ it and put him in my room.  He just laid in there, not crying and soon enough it was quiet.  I've been able to do this a few times and it works! (assuming his sister isn't yelling MAH MAY over and over until I go to her room).

He's already gone from this..........

To this!!

They really look different the two of them......his sister looks just like her donor father and he is resembling me for sure.  I thought my daughter was looking like my side too, but then changed, so I am holding out on saying he looks like me for sure. But, I compared his picture at this age and hers....their eyes and noses look different.  Funny how genetics work! I was hoping they'd look similar (and maybe they will) for my daughter's sake because I don't want her to feel oddly out.....people already look at me, then her, and ask where her curls come from. Or they say she must look like her father. I just nod and say yes. Eventually she will understand the questions but for now, we'll just keep it going.

She is doing well and I have a separate post I'm going to do about all the things she is saying and doing these days, but I wanted to include these as they show her personality plus. Handful this one is. She is coming up w/ some seriously funny stuff and we've had some moments of laughing together--which I love.

Holidays are here and we had a nice Thanksgiving. We didn't fly anywhere....there was no way I was going to take a 2 year old and a newborn on a flight by myself. It's the first time I haven't been around a large group of people for the holiday in my whole life. That part was different, but we made the best of it. One of my babysitters is recently split from her husband and he took the kids to his family (new for her) and my other friend didn't fly home to California for the first time ever because she had just been there for a wedding. A lot of firsts for us all so we just decided to get together at my house and eat some good food. It all came together really well.....only mishap was I ordered a turkey meal from the grocery and assumed the turkey would be cooked. Well, it was, but it still needed to be in oven for over 2 hours. So, we ate all the sides first then had round two with the turkey and stuffing.
We also did these.....I had never done these before if you can believe. Sort of a right of passage when you have kids. They must be done.

Still off of work and will be for remainder of the year. I am taking time to enjoy my children and focus on getting as much rest where I can. I am also focusing on my health because it's so important being their sole parent.  I recently participated in our company's executive physical program where you go to the hospital for a whole day to get 'checked out' and it's all free!  I had all blood work done, chest x-ray, nutritional counseling, ekg, and some other things. It was all very well coordinated and they summarize results w/ you at the end of the day w/ the Dr.  Things overall look pretty good but I need to work on my weight and cholesterol (go hand in hand).  So, I started to work out again and it feels good. I am also thinking about doing a specific diet that a friend of mine is doing and has had great success. I am calling it a diet and not a lifestyle because it really is a diet. Not meant to be 'forever' but helps you to lose weight w/ their food and it's very a.tkin.s like. I want to try something different because I have done w.e.ight w.atchers over the years and I know the program but the last times I've done it (before children) I haven't stuck to it so why not try something different?  It is of utmost importance that I keep my health at the top of my list and addressing weight is part of that. I'm nervous about falling off the wagon when I get stressed--my trigger to eat poorly--and failing.  But, I have a different motivation now.

The other thing I decided to do was to have some cancer genetic screening done. My maternal fetal doctor was great in that she worried about my whole being, not just the baby. We talked at my post-partum visit and discussed getting another mammogram (found out can't do until 6 months out after baby) and given the cancer history in my family had I ever done the screening?  She had a good point and I decided to check into it, see if insurance covered, and do it. The history is my maternal great grandma died early from breast cancer (in 40's), my maternal grandmother died from breast cancer (in her 40's also and I never knew her--sad because from what my mom always said she was an amazing lady) and my mother died from a carcinoid in her abdomen that metastasized to her liver. Family history is not the best.  I am almost positive insurance will cover...I called them ahead of time and they said they do, however the lab was supposed to call me after they verified. I haven't heard back yet. By the way, for the testing I learned a ton I didn't know....as an example, for the BR.C.A gene 1 and 2, you can test positive, negative, or inconclusive. If you test positive you have an 85% chance that you will get breast cancer in your lifetime. Wow.

Even though I have been off of work I have remained super busy.  We are gearing up for Christmas and I am getting excited this year. I think because my daughter's excitement is infectious and she is starting to 'get it'. The live tree is bought and up (okay not decorated but at least in the house). Story behind that is--my idea was we'd have a nice family outing to get a tree fa-la-la-la.....well, it turned out that because I had both kids by myself I was sweating a lot, yes in December. My daughter kept wanting to dart in and out of the trees so I spent most of the time saying don't go too far, come back here, hang on a minute. My son got bitten by a mosquito. However, it was great because they hold each one for you, you pick it, they wrap it, put a stand on it, and put it on your car (you pay for that service, of course, but well worth it when you have two little ones in tow). Well, when I drove home and tried to drive under the carport I didn't realize the stand was sticking up as far as it was and the darn tree flew right off the back of my car. Broke the back windshield wiper on its way. I thought i would have to get a new tree stand but the neighbor fixed it. The tree itself sways more than it should and it makes me so mad, but hey, it is a beautiful tree.  I am so proud of myself because i even went to a craft fair and bought yard ornaments!! ME!! One is an ornament that says merry xmas and the others are two christmas presents.  I also bought a wreath for the door w/ a little snowman on it. I think my mom would be so proud too!

One last picture....I love it because even though it is blurry, it was one of the first interactive play times my children have had.  It was so cute. Well, until she started pulling at him and he started crying, but there will be years more of that to come. I have no idea why my daughter only has a diaper on....

Siblings

I often find myself wondering what kind of relationship my children will have....Will they like each other? Will they have a close bond?  We had our first meaningful interaction yesterday and it was just so cute to watch. We were in baby girl's room and baby boy was lying on the floor. I was talking to him and she came over. One thing we taught her was to use only one finger and touch his head. She does this and says "gentle, gentle" while swiping her finger on the top of his head. But yesterday baby boy turned his head toward her and I said oh wow, look, he's looking at you!! She thought that was GREAT! She started talking to him, put her head close by and said hi to him, laughed at him.  She bent in to give him small kisses on his head and hugged him. The cutest thing was she then leaned over and got a purple toy and put it right next to him and said-ah go (here you go). I praised her for sharing. It really was the first time she interacted with him, at least in front of me. It was just sooooo sweet when we were all interacting together. I hope we have many more of those moments.

The other milestone was that I am pretty sure baby boy smiled at me intentionally yesterday.  I was holding him in my arms in the kitchen and talking to him....saying HI my boy, etc.  He looked right at me and smiled. I talked some more and he did it again....I kept talking and he smiled a third time! I didn't think he would have gas 3 times in a row, so I'm going to call it and say he looked at me, heard me, and SMILED!!!!
Oh it was too cute.

This poor baby boy has continued to suffer w/ his gas and tummy troubles. I spent the entire night in the recliner holding him on and off day before yesterday because he would wake up and cry every time I put him down. It wasn't just that he wanted to be held because he would scrunch himself up and you could see it on his face. Also his belly gets really tight.  I just don't know what to do as we've done everything our Dr. has said to do. The only thing left is to try soy formula and the nurse said we could, but warned that it can be constipating. That's the last thing he needs, so I think we'll try and stick w/ what we have. It seems he does better for a few days and then backslides. This last backslide might have been due to putting his za.n.tac in his formula instead of just in his mouth. It seems it works much better giving it to him straight, however, he doesn't like it at all and has spit/vomited it a few times.  Ugh. It is exhausting for the both of us when he doesn't sleep, or sleeps little naps.

On the job front there may be something w/better fit inside company and I've also been looking outside.  I am not sure where it will lead but I have  been open to looking at a range of things, but I am still focused on this city and my old one. It is going to be very important to be around a community of people that I know.

Snooze

That's all I want to do right now. It has been a rough week or so.  I wanted to at least take a minute to acknowledge in my blog that 2 kids is hard sometimes....especially when you have a newborn that has been suffering from gas and now the Dr. thinks reflux for 5 weeks now. It. Is. Exhausting. Gas drops, probiotics, cycling legs, burping often, keeping head up, formula changes 4 times, now zan.t.ac.....I feel terrible for him. And my reaction today is I just want to go in my room, close the door, and be by myself and regroup. The funny thing is, I did get to do that today for first time in while.....I got to sleep this morning while babysitter had both of them. I'm pretty hard on myself because in my mind I keep thinking....well, I should feel better and rested.  I have to back off of that and think about the fact that it's just unrealistic to think that a morning nap can 'fix' weeks of broken sleep.

I have to write this quick before my 2 year old comes back from babysitter's house and/or my newborn starts fussing.

Also, to acknowledge that just reading other S.MC blogs makes me feel so much better. I read another blog that talked about a mom and her worries.  It is amazing how much better I feel when I read about things that I worry/think about too. That's why this forum is so great. It makes me feel normal and it makes me feel like I can do this when it gets tough. The fact that I can relate to others in my shoes feels good.
I feel overwhelmed right now w/ trying to manage on the broken sleep and the reality of starting a job search is sinking in. I can tell stress level is rising because I have started snacking more.

Okay, baby starting to fuss. Gotta go.

I know it will get better--hey, maybe even tomorrow.

I remember a friend of mine who has an 8 year old and 10 year old said that I can just plan on things sucking for 2 years i.e. having a newborn w/ a 2 year old.  Well, I don't plan on that....however, I will plan on acknowledging that this is hard....even w/ help of babysitters!

2

Let me start off THIS post by saying that naive mom strikes again.....I was so delighted last post that I hadn't seen any rough/aggressive behavior from baby girl towards her brother that I thought we were in for smooth sailing....HA.
Over the last several days we have had a few incidents where baby girl has not been very nice. And what I mean by that is--she dumped the baby out of his roc.k an.d pl.ay, headbutted him, and side swiped his head with her hand while running by.  I am about to research toddler behavior w/ new baby and see what can be done to help her understand more that this is obviously not okay.  I've taken the approach to sit her down immediately and tell her NO, that hurts the baby. She says okay and moves on......but then does things again. As an example, the headbutt. She leaned over his rocker onto him and I said no, that can hurt the baby. She stood back up, but then quickly leaned over him again.  I physically pulled her back up and said again, NO, that can hurt the baby, we don't do that.  Well, she proceeded to lean over again much faster and knocked her head against his--I don't think she meant to headbutt on purpose, but she certainly meant to defy what I was telling her. It is clearly to get attention because she does it when the adult (me or babysitters) are near the baby i.e. she does it right in front of us all.  Maybe she initially thought the new baby was new and cool and now that she realizes he's not going anywhere she's reacting. Will see what I can find.
Also open to any suggestions for those of you who have two and have seen this from your own little ones and what might have worked.

We have continued to have tummy trouble w/ baby boy. He seems to be fine one minute then gas hits him and he screams out....it wakes him up and keeps him from sleeping.  He has a ton of gas and his toots are manly.  At his one month appointment the Dr. recommended we switch to a low lactose formula (also a suggestion in one of the comments) and initially it seemed to help (this is his 3rd formula now). Where it has gone awry is now that he is trying to digest to the point of pooping....OH EM GEE. yesterday was terrible for him. At times he was inconsolable.....and finally he pooped late afternoon after 2 days of not pooping. Was a little better then he started up again early last evening....I thought he was hungry. Babysitter said no. Babysitter was right because we gave him one ounce extra and he barfed all over everything--and pooped again at the same time. I had just bathed him before the bottle, but he was so yucky that we threw him back in the sink and started over.

With two there are things that are so amazing and awesome and things that are really challenging....here's a snapshot of what I've learned so far:

Challenging:
--not enough hands. When both are screaming/crying/need something I have to say to myself, zone defense
--not enough sleep.  Baby boy eats every 2.5-3 hours (eats 4 oz.) and it takes about 30 minutes....then he doesn't always fall right back to sleep.  Baby Girl is still waking at least once a night, it seems.
--stress level when both are cranky-fied.
--keeping a two year old occupied all day long when you have to man a newborn.
--being limited with going out (even outside) because the baby should really stay in until a little older.

On the flip side.....even though some days are tough.....There are things I love about having two:
--sitting in the rocker with baby boy on my left and baby girl on my right--sometimes reading
--baby girl walks by and kisses the top of baby boy's head, or when she gently holds his hand
--watching my girl play and holding baby boy against my chest
--seeing the excitement for baby girl when time to change his diaper--she has to jump up on the table too
--when we are all sitting together baby girl says Picture!....she wants one taken

Overall I will say it is hard, but very worth it. I know it will get better when baby boy is sleeping more/better. I am hopeful that baby girl does too.
It's funny how when I only have one I now think it's a break.

As an update on the job front, the company talked to me about a position that really isn't a good fit for a single mom w/ two small children (far commute and big big job) so I actually withdrew from consideration. Most likely that means I will be leaving my company end of year. I have already started talking w/ recruiters about new opportunities. My preference is to stay here for next 2.5 years or so because I have such a good support system and it is just necessary when they are this little. But, I have to be open to move for the right opportunity. I am only considering here and my old city. I need to be where I know people.
Will see how all of it progresses.
I am trying my best not to let the job situation stress me out such that I don't spend time enjoying the time while baby boy is a newborn and I am off of work (and still getting paid).
That is what is important right now and I remind myself of that often.

My babes

Let me start off by saying that my girl has been delightful for the last several weeks. Just when I was worried about how it would be bringing baby home, she has surprised me in many ways. First, when she came to the hospital she was super excited to see the BABY! CWYIN! From the get-go she has wanted to hug and love on him. More like super-squeeze him, but it really is sweet. She wants to kiss him all the time. However, she doesn't realize how strong she is and can sometimes be a little much for him. One of her favorite things to do is hop up on the changing table when changing baby and check to see if he's pooped. She thinks its hilarious. She also likes to say penis. We had to put ointment on his circumcision and whenever I would get the tube out she'd yell PENIS! I would say "Yes, baby, we have to put the cream on his penis". She thought that was too funny. 
She pays attention to him, but she isn't obsessed w/ him. She goes about her day and when she feels like checking on him, she does.  She's quick to point out when he's crying. "Baby, cwyin'".
We also worked on her being a "Big Helper" before he arrived. Now, whenever she does anything to help like hold the bottle or get a diaper, I make a big fuss about how good of a job she is doing. We sing a little song we heard on one of her favorite shows about being a big helper in the family. The positive reinforcement seems to help.
I haven't seen any aggression towards the baby or me....or anyone for that fact. I also haven't seen her vying for attention. She seems to be okay, thus far, when I tell her to hold on, I have to do X for the baby. This was surprising since she doesn't have much patience. Well, what 2 year old does, right? She has had less tantrums and is able to verbalize herself much better. Her newest "thing" is that when she goes to bed she says "birds, sky". I don't know what this means or where she got it from, but she tells me almost every night about it.  She's starting to have a memory and will tell stories about her day. We recently went to a "gunkin patch" and she has continued to talk about it randomly when she sees pumpkins.  There is also a blowup witch on a street close-by and its arm rotates. She will say "witch, wee-ooo, wee-ooo" while moving rotating her arm around like the witch. She wants to go by it all the time to see if it is awake (blown up and turned on) or sleeping (on the ground, turned off). Really cute to see her excitement about it.
I am already starting to feel like holidays will be way more fun now that she is "getting" it. We went to a pumpkin patch, actually decorated the pumpkins, and have them set outside. And I had FUN too!
She is also very snuggly and wants to read a lot, do the rocker where she sits in my lap, we go on a ton of walks down the street.....it has just been fun with her. We've spent a lot of quality time together and it's just felt good.

Overall, she has taken to the new baby completely in stride and I am really happy/relieved with how she's been. Something I thought of too, is that the other change is I am home all day. Even though a few days she still goes to one of the babysitter's house, I'm here.  I do think that makes a difference, I can't help but think.

Even though I am off on maternity leave, I still have the babysitters watch baby girl full time. I just need another set of hands and some time where I can rest......so one of the babysitters takes her to their house and the other comes to our house. For the one that comes to the house, we mix it up where sometimes she watches baby boy, sometimes baby girl--we each take one.  And, sometimes when I need to sleep or get out of the house, she watches them both.  It has really made the transition to two very doable. I haven't had them both by myself all day/night since baby boy's been born. It has been so helpful...expensive, yes, but totally worth it in my opinion. I have rationalized that I am still getting paid for full time work, so it's fine that I continue w/ my babysitters like normal.

Right now I feel really lucky because I have people that stop in just to watch the baby, feed/rock him, or take my girl to the store, etc..I didn't have any of that w/ baby girl. Once the newness wore down, it was just her and I, really.  Also, the babysitter that lives close to me not only cooks and leaves things in my fridge, she also brings meals regularly from their house.  We still argue about her making sure she puts additional cost for food on her weekly bill (that's what I want her to do).....but she's one of those people that does for others just because. I am not used to that at all and it's hard for me to accept sometimes because I always feel like I need to pay her back somehow....and monetarily is how I normally do. It is just such a different experience w/ somewhat of a 'community' around us compared to when I had babygirl.

That brings me to baby boy......

I prayed for a 'relaxed' baby considering my baby girl was not easy.  So far, he seems to be a good baby, but he's really been suffering from gas problems--which has made sleep hard sometimes for both of us.  We already switched formula and that seemed to help some, and also added some gas drops, which may have helped some.....but the best way I can describe him is fidgety. He's pretty squirmy, mostly because he's uncomfortable. For example, he wakes to eat every 2-3 hours and is up to 3 oz. I was used to baby girl where when she woke during the night, I fed her, she fell right back to sleep. Not so w/ baby boy. He'll wake, I feed, he'll burp, then squirm around, cry some....sometimes for up to an hour.  Then fall back to sleep. He gets hit w/ gas pain and it wakes him or prevents him from sleeping. You can tell it hurts him and I'm doing everything I can to help.
That's the toughest thing we've dealt with. He doesn't spit up much, he doesn't wail for hours on end, he just seems to suffer from gas......and right now from cluster feeding w/ the bottle. This little monkey has sometimes started to want to eat even less than two hours later. Sheesh.
However, a major difference from baby girl is that he is much more of a snuggler. He loves to be held and prefers it, really. He also will lay on his tummy on my chest.....I will then lay my cheek on his head and smell him. I love it. I remember baby girl hated that position and pushed herself up and cried whenever I tried.

It has been tiring w/ the nighttime schedule, for sure. He doesn't go right back to sleep, has the gas, and seems to be ready to feed just when I've dozed off.  I know in time it will get better so I am doing my best to rest during the day when he rests.....when someone else is watching my two year old.
I honestly have a hard time imagining what it would be like caring for a newborn, then turn around and be up all day entertaining my girl. I'd be a zombie. That's why the babysitters work for us, for now.

I mentioned before but it feels like he just fit right in. We are a family of three.
So great.

Baby Boy Birth Story

So it's been an interesting few weeks in our house. It's been a few years since I was on a newborn schedule and living in lack of sleep.  Trying to find time to type this when A) I am awake and can/want to focus B) child or children are sleeping....not easy to do.  The other thing that's hard to do is find time to eat. I normally like to eat lunch/dinner when things are calm, kid/s in bed. Well, now that there's two, it's not happening as often and I find myself at 9 pm thinking....did I even eat dinner?
On to the story....

BIRTH STORY
Let me back up a few weeks before baby boy was born.  Some major stuff.  Since I moved here and went back to my old company I learned that they were going through a global reorganization.  This one was a big one. I wasn't sure how it would affect us here in the U.S. and in my work group, but time would tell.  Well, 9 months pregnant and a few weeks until leave, my boss sits across from me and tells me my job is being eliminated. Ummmm, what?  Screeching tires, halt, did I hear correctly? Sure did. I wasn't prepared for it, that's for sure. I was just re-hired back in January, they paid to relocate me over here, I struggled for months to get settled, and now that I was getting there.....boom.  It took a bit to soak in, my "stability" gone, stress level gone up ten-fold.  Here I was about to give birth and that should be my primary focus, great time in everyone's life, etc. etc.....and wham. It was tough in our group because several others impacted as well.  Now, I do have possibility of staying w/ the company in a different role, but will see how that plays out. Should know more in next few weeks.  It just wasn't at all what I had envisioned going into maternity leave and having my baby boy.

With that as a backdrop, in terms of physical discomfort, the weekend before he was born I was just feeling "off". I didn't feel good at all, my energy level dropped, walking was pretty painful because he was still growing, my stomach was stretched and itchy, I wore a lot of dresses on the weekend because other clothes just were uncomfortable.  I had baby girl's babysitters watch her most of the weekend so I could just lie down on the couch. I was also having a lot of pains in the lower front of my stomach. I wasn't sure if they were brax.to.n hic.ks or real contractions, but they would come on and tighten my lower stomach/pelvic area, hang around for over 30 seconds sometimes, then go away. Sometimes once, sometimes several times in a row....no pattern. By Monday/Tuesday I decided to call the Dr. because I just didn't feel well. I told the nurse I was having the pains, my back was hurting, and I just felt 'different'. She told me I can come in to be checked, or wait longer at home and see. She was really nice and said that there is no magic answer as to when to come in or when baby will come. She said if I felt like I should go, then I should.  Well, I didn't go because I didn't feel like it was time and I had an appointment on Thursday w/ them anyway.
Well, Wednesday rolls around and think I worked from home, not sure, but by that night when I was lying on the sofa I was having more of the pains. They would come on, no pattern. But they were kinda strong. I still wasn't sure if they were real so I just tried to relax and rest. About midnight or so I decided to go lay in my bed and less than a few hours later I felt a familiar feeling--warm water. My water broke at home around 1:50am. I jumped out of bed so fast and because there was carpet I went into the bathroom and in the tub. I took off my clothes and sure enough more and more water was coming. It was tinged w/ some red, but otherwise clear.
It was on!
I wasn't sure who to call first because my one friend who was going to take me had been at my house earlier and she was actually sick. I think I tried her first anyway but she didn't answer the phone. I called my babysitter who lives a few houses down and simply said my water broke, time for the baby. She said she'd be right down.  I put a towel between my legs and started getting my bag together (of course I hadn't packed it yet). The pains I was feeling earlier? Yup, they were contractions because they started to come on in the same place and a bit harder--making me have to stop what I was doing and just breathe through. I wasn't worried the baby was coming any minute so I was just taking my time getting my things together. The babysitter and her daughter showed up and by now it was about 2:15am.  Because my one friend didn't answer the phone I had to figure how I was going to get to the hospital. I needed someone to stay w/ baby girl and someone to take me. So, I called my other babysitter who said she'd be over to take me.
For some reason after I was packed and before the second babysitter got here, I just felt like I wanted to go to the hospital and drive myself. Just like last time. I was ready so I just told the one that was here I was going. She tried to suggest I stay and was I sure....but I reasoned that once I got to the hospital, if it was anything like before I would be waiting for a long time before delivery anyway, so let me just go, get checked in, and see how it went. As soon as I had an update, I would call.
So I went.  Crazy I know, but that's just what I wanted to do.
On my way to the hospital my one friend who didn't answer earlier called to see what was going on and I told her my water broke, on the way to hospital. She had taken a ton of ny.qu.il and was barely with it so I told her to hang up, I'll talk to her later. She said once I got to hospital to call her.
I got to the hospital, parked, and then realized I needed to get up to the 6th floor labor and delivery--and it seemed like a long walk from parking garage to floor. I was still having pains and they were pretty strong. No regular pattern again, but still there. I had my dress on, towel between my legs, walking through the parking garage, dragging my rolling luggage behind me, and stopping every so often to breathe and fix the towel that just wouldn't stay put. I can only imagine what a sight I was.  There was a guy sitting on a bench I remember right by the entrance.....it was just he and I that were up and moving at that time. I kept hoping, please don't look my way.....and he didn't.
I finally made it up to the check in.
The woman started asking me to sign the digital signature pad and I thought I was already pre-registered. Contractions kept coming so I had to stop, wince, and breathe a few times while she went through her shpeil. Finally she said I could walk down the opposite side and go to labor and delivery. That hall seemed sooooo long.  I kept wondering where are the people w/wheelchairs in this place!!

They met me at the door and walked me to a room and asked me to put on a gown. I remember looking at the clock and it was 2:45am. Got there pretty fast. I had my phone next to me as I was lying on the gurney when nurse came in and started w/ all the questions. The most important one....when did I last eat?  Well, 9pm the evening before. Why most important? If they were going to do a c-section w/ anesthesia, they have to wait 8 hours before they can do it. 8 hours. 8 hours! As I was lying there the contractions were getting harder....and somewhat closer together. It was really painful. I had to completely stop talking, breathe, scrunch up my face (that made me feel better) and breathe it out.
They had to get ahold of my main Dr. because they wanted direction due to the blood thinner. Had not weaned off yet. I was also wondering if they would try and stop the contractions like last time for many hours (even though they didn't really stop) because of blood thinner as well. I kept asking questions to the nurse like a) could they give me something for the pain (no) and b) would my Dr. be doing the c-section (they never really answered that one) and c) when would there be the c-section. The longer I was lying on the gurney while they were figuring this out I was feeling harder pain and feeling quite sick.  No one was around and all of a sudden I felt like I was going to be sick. I yelled out, "Help me, Help me" but no one came. So, I sat up and threw up all over the floor. Then they came. I'm not sure if it was before or after I threw up that I decided to call my friend to see if she could come to the hospital. I wasn't sure exactly when the c-section would be but I knew I didn't want to be there by myself feeling that bad. I called my one friend and she decided she had too much medicine for it to be safe to come, so I called my babysitter w/ my daughter.  She said she'd get either the second babysitter to come and get babygirl or figure something out. (She ended up calling her sister to come and stay until second babysitter picked her up in the morning usual time). By this time it was around 4am.
I was still lying on the gurney feeling terrible and my babysitter showed up, thankfully. I told her I had been sick and after she came another wave of hot flash/nausea came.....this time at least she got the pink plastic bin. Sometime in here the anesthesiologist came in and asked several questions, the nurse told me they had gotten ahold of my Dr. and they said it was okay to proceed w/ c-section w/ a block (not an epidural) and thankfully I would be awake for it this time.  They decided it could safely be done at 5:30am and that's when they would "roll me back".  That meant that I would have to lie there in pain/contractions for another almost hour before I could go back. I asked a few times if they could do anything for pain.....I think the anesthesiologist was trying to placate me because he said well, if it got bad enough I should let nurses know and they would see what they could do. The nurses basically said I would just have hang in there and breathe through.
My babysitter was great. At first she was talking but whenever a contraction came I said I can't talk, she stopped talking, until it was over. Then she also tried to pat my arm, etc. and I said no touch, it made me feel worse. She listened to me and did whatever she could to support. She also got the camera out and took some amazing pictures throughout the whole birth experience. She just kept snapping and as I look back through, it was all captured.
Finally the nurse came in w/ the outfit for my babysitter and said we were ready to go. I was so thankful and I asked if I had to walk? They said no. They wheeled me down the hall into the surgery room. I was looking around while going down the hall and noticed a lot of very young Dr.'s. I asked the guy next to me if this was a teaching hospital and he said yes, it was.  It was very bright in the operating room, the table was set up, the baby bin set up to the side. They wheeled me right next to the operating table and on the count of three moved me over.  I did have to sit up on the new table because the anesthesiologist needed to put in the block. I was in a lot of pain by that point and was having sharp/hard contractions which made it difficult to do anything but breathe through them. They showed me how to hunch over and they said I'd feel some stinging. That part didn't hurt but when they put in the needle or whatever it was, that hurt. I said ouch and the guy moved it and I said ouch again. He thought it wasn't in right because I heard him say, "well, she said ouch". They said they got it and laid me down. It didn't take effect immediately because I was still having contractions--hurting bad. After a few more minutes I kept testing to see if I could move my legs/feet. Finally warmness sort of washed over my legs and I couldn't move them and the contractions stopped. Oh em gee was that some much needed relief.
They put the curtain up in front of me and people were all around.

Several people introduced themselves throughout.....there seemed to be a lot of people in there. I wasn't sure who the Dr. was though. There were two ladies prepping near my belly so I just assumed one of them was the Dr. (it was). Next thing I know I hear "Incision". In my mind I was thinking wait a minute, my babysitter wasn't there! But shortly after that she came in and sat next to my head...she had the trusty camera w/ her thankfully.  They were giving me something in my IV that made me a little dreamy, but not completely. Not sure if it was pain med or what, but it calmed me, but I could still focus somewhat. Next thing I remember saying is "Gotta love the smell of your own burning flesh". They were using that tool to stop bleeding, I think, but man it was awful. A few more minutes later they said I was going to feel a lot of pressure on my chest. I thought that was weird, but sure enough I thought my rib cage was going to explode. In my mind I seriously thought my ribs were going to break. There was such force on them (on the left side) but it was behind the curtain I couldn't see what was going on. I think I said I couldn't breathe, ouch, my chest hurts, something to that effect....later my babysitter said someone was nearly sitting/pushing down hard to help get the baby out.

He finally came out at 6:19am.

They took him over to baby bin. I could only hear them and he wasn't crying. I asked if he was ok and they said yes. I said I can't hear him crying. He's not crying.  The nurses were tending to him and said he was a 'relaxed fellow' or something of that sort. I never did hear him scream out, I don't think. My babysitter was right next to him after he was born watching over everything and she said he was just chill. Not what I expected but they said he was ok.  At this point I had a lot of medicine in me because it was somewhat hard to focus. I just stared up at the ceiling while they sewed up and finished w/ the baby. Soon they brought him over wrapped up tight and I got to nuzzle him and kiss his little head. I put my hand on his head and that moment was very tender. I asked my babysitter to stay w/ the baby while they took me back to my room. I don't remember much of being wheeled out and put back in a room, but shortly after I got to the room my babysitter came in and then they brought the baby to my room!  This was so different because last time baby went to N.I.CU. I got to hold him right after he was born. That was just so great...even though I was just out of surgery I was feeling good enough to hold him.
At some point we were transferred to the post partum room I was going to be in for the rest of my stay. The room was huge/private and baby stayed right with me almost the whole time.  It was very interesting because they want the moms to keep the babies w/ them. I kept asking about whether they would take him to the nursery and they said they don't really do that, that the babies typically stay w/ the mom. I just thought that was so odd because what if I was on major medicine and couldn't feed/lift the baby, etc.?  I questioned several nurses about it and they all said the same thing.  However, when night came around I asked them about keeping him so I could get some rest. The nurse said sure, they would keep for a few hours, but they actually kept him until the next morning. I was in quite a bit of pain and for some reason thought I should turn to my side.....bad idea right after surgery.
The day after he was born I wanted his sister to come and meet him. I missed my girl too! So, babysitter brought her the next day and I could hear her before she even got to my room..."Mommy! Mommy!" she was yelling outside the door. She came in the room and I can't remember if she went to the baby bin first or my bed first....but she peered through the side of his bed and said "baby!" and tried to reach in--thankfully she was too short.  She also jumped up on my bed and she settled in right next to me. Oh that was so sweet. I kissed her head and brushed back her curls. I really missed her.  Her new phrase is "hold you" meaning she wanted to hold the baby so babysitter brought over the baby to both of us on the bed. I have the sweetest picture where she cups his face, leans in to kiss him, and I am holding both of them. OH I love these kids.
She isn't used to mama being "down" i.e. just out of surgery.....so I wasn't prepared for the accidental head lean into the stomach, kicks when getting up on/off bed, elbows when trying to sit up/get down....oh boy. But, it really was so great to see how excited she was about the new baby. We had spent about the last month talking about mama having a baby, the baby was in mama's belly, etc.. so she seemed to just go w/it.
The rest of the stay was fine...I got some rest, a few more visitors, and lots of cuddle/snuggle time w/ baby boy. They also want you up and moving around soon so I got out of bed the next day, I think, and that day or the next took a shower--which just felt fantastic. The babysitter stayed over night at the hospital with me a few nights which was really helpful considering baby was in the room almost whole time. I ended up staying 3 full days and going home on the 4th.

Overall, since I didn't go in w/ any expectations, I think the experience was a positive one. I had thought all along he would come early and it's a good thing since he was 8 lbs when he was born! I have had no complications from the birth/surgery and things have transitioned pretty smoothly since coming home--now we've been home a few weeks. More to come on life with two.....but at least I captured his story now instead of waiting 2 years....sorry baby girl. It will come.

He's Here!!

My baby boy is here!  He was born early (as I had been predicting) so we never made it to the scheduled c-section.  My water broke at night, around 1:50am--almost the same time it did for my girl.  I will write out the birth story and be sure to capture but I wanted to attach some pictures. I love this little boy. He is so sweet. He was 8 lbs 0.6oz, 20.5 inches long. Imagine if he had kept growing!
We have been home for just over a week and for the most part it has been like he was always supposed to be here, like he fits right in. And of course adjusting to the newborn stage, feeding, figuring out how to manage two.....one day at a time.  I've had some great help and we are all doing really well.

Shortly after being born

Sister's Reaction--Oh boy what have we gotten ourselves into!
 







Real boys lay in pink beds.

 

Much more to come..............

Countdown is on......

These last several weeks have been much of the same.....work, get home, take care of baby girl, spend weekends working on nursery and baby items.  The other day I decided it's time to stop researching and make decisions--I wanted to be done--so ordered a ton of stuff online and it will be delivered this week. After all of it arrives I think I'll be ready--down to having the clothes, diapers, room ready (as much as it can be since dresser will be in process of being refinished).

I have only a few weeks left and mama is looking forward to when it's time to deliver.  This pregnancy has been more physically demanding i.e. my tummy is bigger, I have a toddler to chase.
Good news is every Dr. appointment has been positive with growth and my vitals all on track. The few struggles I have are minimal in the grand scheme......heartburn (which over the counter med has worked) and the stabbing pain I get regularly when walking.  It is worse at work after I have been sitting for extended period and try and get up. Ouch.  My tummy has itched more too but I have been putting cream on it for a few weeks and that helps.  My Dr. recommended a belly band to help w/ the pain but I just haven't gotten one. I keep thinking, well, only a few weeks left.
After this Friday my Dr. wants me to start going weekly. That's fine w/ me.

My Big Boy

I got pretty excited the other day when I started going through all of the shower gifts from work.....it just sort of set in that he's coming. He's really coming!
I wonder if it's a thought I will have for awhile about the fact that I really am a mom. My daughter is two now and sometimes when I watch her I have to remind myself that she is mine, it is all real, I have a daughter. Sounds strange to type out because of course she's here and soon to have a brother. But, I can't sometimes help but need pinching. Not sure if other's feel this way who have gone through I.V.F or are mothers on their own, but at times it still feels surreal.

For several weeks I've been talking to baby girl about being a big sister and mama having a baby. A cartoon she watches had a few episodes where the mama tiger was going to have a new baby too. She Loves the episode because it shows a real life family going get a baby at the hospital.
Some supercute things she's done after talking about it and watching are:
--when we watch show w/ her on my lap she pats my tummy and says "baby in tummy".
--she sees the real baby on T.V. show and I ask her, "Should we bring one home like that to our house?" She says OH YEAH!
--the other day she was getting off my lap and said "my baby hurts"....aka her tummy.
--randomly she will say,  "Baby....cwyin. Waaaaaaaah".

I am not sure how much she really gets because it still is an abstract thought. Can't see the baby, what does it really  mean? I am just hopeful some of it is sinking in....especially the part about her being a big helper.  She likes to be involved in everything so I just hope it extends to her new brother.

There's been ups and downs w/ her lately......an UP is she's been going potty more and more on the potty chair (the one you just put on the toilet).  She knows when she's wet, poops, etc. and asks to be changed. So, the babysitters started just putting her on the potty and wouldn't you know, she sometimes goes peepee!!! She gets massive praise and we keep going by sometimes asking her if she needs to go, and sometimes she even says "potty" herself and runs toward bathroom. Sometime she goes and sometimes not but I'm not stressed about it. She's showing interest and we'll keep going at this speed.
A Downer is that her behavior last week or so took a nose dive. She hasn't been napping well and she's had a few major scrreaming meltdowns....usually the result of being tired. But everything you tell her to do, she says no, etc.. She even ripped off wallpaper on the walls. Dumped glasses of water just because. I am hoping it's just more of the phase.......last weekend was the hardest she's been in awhile. I think she whined from the minute she opened her eyes, wouldn't nap, cried about everything, said no to everything.......oh boy was she exhausting.
Seems to be a bit better this week so hopefully we keep it going. Think that's what's been hard is the unpredictability. Some weeks much better than others. This may all be normal but when you think back you realize--wow that was tough!

Other than having to deal w/ a few things happening w/ my rental in my other city (A/C broke and water pipe broke), I've really just focused on preparing for baby boy.  I talked to my sister today and I kept telling her that she can come whenever, but she still hadn't booked. So, we are preparing for her to come when my scheduled c-sec is (assuming I don't go into labor ahead of time).  If I do, then she just visits after the baby, but if I don't, she'll be here for it all. That would be nice since she wasn't there when baby girl was born. I've got the plans down for---if there is emergency how do I get to hospital and who takes care of baby girl. I'm thankful all is in place.
Now up to baby boy on his arrival.

Dew-Bup

Well, we've had another round of sickness in the house. My poor baby girl got some bug this past Wednesday night and we were up for 4 hours while she on/off threw up. She was just miserable. Of course no one likes to be sick but when you can't really explain how you feel or what's going on I'm sure it's even worse.  I told her that she 'threw up' and it's okay and mama would help her, etc..and she then started saying 'I dew-bup'. Yes honey, you sure did.  She seemed to get a little better the next day and seemed okay on Friday, but then Saturday after she got up in the morning and I was rocking her w/ the milk I noticed she wasn't drinking much......then once she stood up she was touching her throat, started crying, then all of a sudden....bllaaaaaaah all over living room floor. Right into the tub we went where she had round 2. Poor thing.  I get soooo worried about her when she is sick. My stress level rises instantly and it's just plain 'ole mama bear worry. I want to make it better but just have to tell her I know she doesn't feel good. She seemed better Sunday but hardly ate today.....so hard to figure out if she's not well, just isn't hungry, or what.

I do want to share a neat 'moment' we had.  On Sunday we were just playing in her room and building with blocks.  We started to make a tall tower and she wanted to make it go as high as she possibly could--even with standing up. So once we did and it was towering over us I took my finger and poked at it a little bit.......said oh, woah, oh.....and gigging a bit as it leaned back and forth.  She looked at me mischievously and stuck out her little finger started poking it just like I did. She looked at me and I looked at her and we both started giggling--together. It was just such a fun, pure moment.

Baby Boy--Physically for me it's getting harder and harder. Doesn't help that it's August in the south. I went to Dr. this past Friday and she was very pleased with everything. Blood pressure, weight, blood sugars, protein, all looked good. I told her about the 'stabbing' pain when walking and pointed to an area that is very tender on my stomach. She said both are very normal and suggested a belly band.  Baby boy already weights 4.5 lbs!! and I'm at 32 weeks. He's just gonna hang out and get fatter....cue more pain.  I am pretty darn tired after the weekend and Mondays are the hardest day for me.
I talked to my Dr. about planning for delivery, emergency, etc......well, we talked last time but I wanted to make sure again that she was leaning towards c-sec and she is.  She said she would stay open and we would make a decision based on the medical facts at the time and see where we land. I am not opposed to c-sec, however I just worry about recovery w/ already having my girl at home. Can't lift her, etc..and my wound opened up last time and I had to pack it from the inside out until it healed up. I would need more help for longer period but will just plan for whatever comes.  She said they don't do elective c-sec until 39 weeks (if I make it that long), but if my intuition is correct I think he will come earlier, just like my girl.  I would prefer to be awake at this one (they had to do general anesthesia last time), so I am hopeful for that. No other birthplan other than cooking this baby as long as I can and having a good delivery/healthy baby. Honestly had I had a birthplan other than 'go w/ the flow' last time I would have been devastated because it turned out to be pretty complicated. I need to draft up birth story.

Still working on the nursery. I had ordered a crib and matching dresser online (never ordered furniture online before) and the process was pretty easy/simple. However, the dresser staining didn't quite match the crib and it was just so 'red'.....was supposed to be just chestnut, which shows in the pics as a brown, but that's not what arrived at my door.  So, good news is free shipping so will return the dresser.  My neighbor has a dresser I am going to look at tomorrow that can maybe be painted...that would be super cute. It doesn't have to be all matchy/matchy. My only real desire is I would like the room to be done before baby boy.  Still no name. I play around w/ 2-3 that I like and spend the day calling him that in my head. Still not sure.

Hanging in there day by day.

My Baby is 2

Oh me oh my.....my baby is now 2.  I've been saying she's 'almost' two for a few months now because it seemed odd to say 22 months, 23 months, etc...and now she really is 2.  I ask her how old she is and she holds up a variety of fingers and says tooooo.

 

How cool is my blue ring pop mouth?

 

We had a really nice party at the house and just what I was hoping for w/ her 2nd birthday.

It started off super-stressful, however.  My baby isn't too fond of napping regularly, but I still put her to bed around 12pm and she fell asleep maybe around 12:45pm. Well, it was after 2pm and she was still sleeping (so was I) and my sister woke me up about 2:10pm. I hadn't showered or anything yet and the party was supposed to start at 2:30pm.
Well, I jump to shower and I hear that she has woken up. Screaming. My sister had gone in her room to try and change her diaper and she was just 'off'. She had been sick the two days prior w/ a viral cold, fever on/off, terrible stuffy nose, etc..and still wasn't feeling that much better. She kept saying mama, mama.....so quickly done w/ my shower I took over (in my towel and wet hair mind you) and it was close to 2:30 already.
She got on her birthday outfit but did NOT want me to put her down.  We walked towards my room and a few guests had arrived, including one of her babysitters. I handed her off because I just HAD to get ready. Babysitter took her to the front room and she just buried her head in babysitter's shoulder, crying, wouldn't get down.
I finally pull myself together (at least my hair was blow-dryed) and I put on a dress....came out and got my babygirl. She was still crying. I picked her up and she clung to me like a baby monkey.....she was holding on w/ all 4 limbs......head in my shoulder crying, not wanting to look at anyone. I rocked her back and forth, rubbing her back, and shhh-shhhhing her. 
Cue my stress level rising by the minute.  Now everyone was here and she was still crying, I wasn't totally ready, and I was hot, hot hot.  Thankfully my sister got the extra fan, I sat down on the floor w/ her and they had started putting presents in the middle of the room. Now THAT got her curiosity going.  Once she started paying attention to the presents, slowly but surely she came around.
WHEW!
WHEW!
She was really a lucky little girl because a lot of our friends and distant relatives had sent her presents via mail, plus the ones she had from the guests.  I had gotten her a cooking kitchen, play food, and pots and pans (she has one at both babysitters and loves it). I also got her a paja.ni.mals book and a fis.her p.ri.ce dollhouse.  She's shown a ton of interest in dollhouses since one of her babysitters has a massive one.  She isn't quite independently playing, but she really likes to have someone sit w/ her and 'cook' and 'play'.
Her spirits were great the rest of the party and guests stayed until around 4:30pm.  We had cake, drinks, etc. and it was just right.  Small and sweet.  I ordered a cake and they made the wrong flavor and spelled her name wrong on it (they fixed that) but who cares, right?  We still were able to sing Happy Birthday and she enjoyed it a ton.
My sister came for about 4 days and it was a bit better this time, but baby girl still needed time to warm up to her.  My sister did put in effort to slowly get her involved in things like playing potato head, etc. so that was great.  I can't say she was in the best of moods, though, as she was somewhat quiet....but she's been having a lot of kidney issues again. In fact today I just told her she probably needs to go back and see the specialist because she continues to get stones (in her one good kidney) and just takes pain medicine to deal w/ it.  And that in turn makes her sick, she feels worse....vicious cycle.

As for me, mama is close to 31 weeks. Woo-hoo. I am getting pretty excited, and expanding by the day. My bump is bigger now and you can for sure tell there's a baby in there. People are still surprised when I say that I have max about 8 weeks left, though....because I carry high and I am tall.
I am still feeling a lot of stretching and lower pain, but all is normal.  And great news, the iron has really helped my overall fatigue. I didn't want to declare it earlier because I wanted to see how it went, and I am like WHEW! I feel somewhat normal. That's not to say I don't get tired, but it's not the bone-crushing fatigue I was feeling before and feeling like it was fight just to get going in the morning and function all day.
I am still working on the nursery.....I've been surprised to find how hard it's been to find a non-dark, decent, but not expensive crib.  I was going to get one from someone selling, but they wanted too much so I just said forget it.  Also, I had someone come and give a bid just to paint the room and I almost choked. I am not paying 650 bucks to get a room painted, not sure what they were thinking....it's never cost that kind of money in all my past of painting....I was thinking couple hundred, maybe and I'd go ahead and pay it, even though I am in a rental. I just want a nice, sweet room that's READY before he comes.
So, still working on that now........

Overall we are doing okay.  I still need to put baby's birth story together before I have another one to tell!

2nd Birthday Coming!

We are getting ready for my baby girl to turn 2.  2!!  It hits me all of the changes when I go back and look at all the pictures from when she was wee-itty bitty.  Her face, hair, height, all growing in front of my eyes.

I haven't written in a few weeks because I truly was just exhausted. I would put her down at night and take myself to the sofa to watch tV, then lay there until I fell asleep, then get up and drag myself to bed. Every night.

Some positive changes, I think baby girl has turned a corner, so to speak, regarding her behavior. She is not hitting, biting, kicking as much and seems to be listening a little better. I have noticed that when it all started was when the second baby sitter started to sit more and brought her daughter w/ her. The daughter really likes baby girl, but it took her awhile to learn that baby girl needs space and doesn't like it when someone is in her face, or wants to pick her up all the time, etc.. School will start soon for my babysitters' kids, so that will take care of itself. Also, we started doing 'time out'.  There is a bench in the house that she calls a chair.  When she hits, or whatever, she gets a warning. She does it again she goes to the chair.  She even knows the rules already. She was hitting the babysitter's daughter. I said she had a warning. She did it again, looked at me, and said 'chair?". Ummmm....yes, chair time.  I am not strict w/ the 1 minute per age suggestion. I just have her sit until she calms down.  Then, I get down on eye to eye level and say "I put you in time out because you X. We don't X. do you understand?". The funniest thing is when I ask her if she understands.....she makes up words that I have no idea what she is saying, but it's almost as if she's trying to say yes, I understand. Hard for me not to smile because she says it sooo seriously.  Then I (or she) says 'hugs' and we call it a day.  I'm sure there are more 'proper' ways to do it, but I just do what works for us.  The two babysitters do it as well and it seems to be helping.

For her birthday.....we are going to have a small party just at the house. Have a little cake and call it a day. I just don't see the need to make this super big party when she doesn't have other little friends really, and would enjoy it here as much as anywhere else. Plus let's be honest, it's easier for me. i'm okay w/ that. My sister is flying into town, we will invite the babysitters, their kids, a few friends, and it should be some fun.

I've seen several blogs where people write letters to their children and I think that is neat to be able to look back on those....but my creative side is slow these days so I just want to document some of the things she is doing and how I've seen her change.
First is her hair. She has curly brown hair and it is finally growing in all over her head. Started as pretty bald, then mohawk-style, now it's filling in, and she even has this rogue curl in the back of her head that looks kind of rat-tail-ish. I haven't had the heart to cut it yet. She hasn't had a haircut, ever. Her hair grows out, not down.
Her personality.....she is still very independent. And now with words...."I do it"....."I color"..."I paintin'". She really loves crafty stuff where she can dig in w/ her fingers.....finger painting, painting, stamping, you name it. She also baked for the first time w/ the babysitter and loved that too. 
It's funny because sometimes I wonder, does she really need me?, but then I get reminded when she is having a major fit all she wants is her mama to calm her down. Like today, she was screaming in the back seat and I asked her if she wanted to hold my hand.....and she did.
She is definitely into pushing boundaries.....she likes to test, but she also is simply curious about how things work. She'll try to figure out a toy, but let me tell you if she can't very quickly, she'll let you know. She is also impatient. One thing that has changed from when she was younger is she freely gives 'hucks' and kisses on her own throughout the day.  She'll just be sitting next to me and say 'huck' and lean over and we hug. I do love that.
She still loves reading books.....she still goes over to pick one for her and one for me.....and bring over to read. One of her favorites these days is 'Tumper'......aka th.u.mper.
Her language has definitely increased where she strings words together now. My favorite is when I am heading to my room or somewhere and she runs after saying 'I coming....I coming'......The other one is 'okay'.  She says it in the right context and is almost like 'okaaaay'. It's too cute. I told her this morning mama needed to take a shower and she said oh, okay. Like no big deal.
She is still pretty tall......just today we were in the store and someone asked how old she was and I said almost 2. She said WOW, pretty tall. why yes, yes she is. In fact the shorts she had on today were these cute pink ones that fit just fine at the beginning of summer.
She can put her shoes on all by herself. She can take off some clothes, but putting on is a bit harder.

There have been many challenging days with her, testing my patience and energy level, but I recognize a lot of myself in her in that she's independent, strong-willed, loving (on her terms), curious, inpatient, and darn funny at times.  She doesn't belly laugh a ton, but when she does it is music to me.  Nothing better.
Love this kid.

And on to the next one....he's growing exactly as he should be and I'm getting close to 30 weeks. He's very active now and moves a lot throughout the day--and really a lot around the evening. The Dr. asked that I start taking a slow-release iron during 3rd trimester and yesterday not so great, but today I feel better.....and dare I say have less fatigue. The Dr. did check all my labs and my iron was fine, but maybe it can still be on the low end of fine and create issues. Not sure but I will keep taking it.  Also started an anti-heartburn.  T.U.ms just wasn't cutting it, and it feels way better now.  I am starting to get winded more easily and sitting/standing for long periods is getting harder. It puts so much pressure on my belly that my belly hardens up. I am definitely getting bigger in stomach this time because a shirt I wore throughout all last pregnancy is getting to the last button not being pulled. Oh boy! Still getting nursery together. It's been challenging to find exactly what I am envisioning furniture-wise, but we did get the bedding set and it is just too cute.
I had talked about moving due to allergies but we are just going to stay put for now. I wouldnt have the energy to move and It's time to just settle and get ready. Since nothing was put together before baby girl was born, since she was early, I really would like to have everything ready.
It's not too far away.....

Oy

That's about all the creative flow I have to think of a title.  I did not go to work today because I am utterly exhausted and don't feel well at all.

This holiday weekend had to have been the most challenging thus far....well, except early on sickness stuff, etc. but it just seemed pretty darn hard.  I am whipped.  Several reasons for this, for sure....
Being 6 months pregnant
Chasing an active, active toddler
Dealing w/ her antics
Most friends out of town this weekend so it was just us, not much downtime.  Been awhile since that way.

It takes a lot to keep her entertained. She's reverted back to not being too independent while playing and wants me to be with her and play constantly.  So, I did my best and am proud of what I was able to do. Went swimming several times in our babypool, read books, sang songs, built with blocks, colored w/markers, went out to lunch one day, she actually helped me empty the dishwasher, cleaned her room from top to bottom and vacuumed, she climbed all furniture everywhere, I am sure there were other things.........the only  'break' I had was when we rocked together and watched sh.r.ek several times when she started getting so whiny that nothing else worked. She ended up not napping saturday or sunday and that is where I struggled most. She is back in her room but it's not relaxing. I am constantly trying to figure out whether she's fallen asleep, or she just yells, sings, bounces, etc..no matter what I tried it didn't work.
On Sunday I did call one of her babysitters to come and get her for a few hours in the morning.
I just needed to vegetate for an hour or so. It did help some.

However, unfortunately I didn't sleep well at all last night, she woke up a few times, so by this morning I was absolutely exhausted. She woke up early and as I was getting out of bed I was just thinking I just can't do it all. Working full time, taking care of my one toddler, and the other baby not even here yet.  I just feel overwhelmed.  And when I feel like that I just don't function very well at all. I've mentioned several times the fatigue, but it seems more than that. No matter how much sleep I get it doesn't seem enough. I don't wake refreshed or energized, I wake up tired. All the time. There is no bucket of energy for me that I can find. I'm not even sure what to do about it. I will talk to the Dr. at my appointment this Friday, but it may just be that's how it is right now and there is nothing to do but power through it. As the baby gets bigger I am sure it will continue to be harder.
My temper was shorter this weekend also, so I got upset much quicker than I normally would and I am not happy about that. I know I will have harder days than others, but she's not used to be me yelling to stop her from doing something and she stopped in her tracks a few times. Not happy at all about that.

This may all be completely normal but I am here to say it is hard for me right now. The hardest part is really not even knowing what to do to make it better. Just getting more rest isn't helping. I've asked for help from friends here where I can. Given my last few visits w/ my sister, not really even considering that. She just hasn't been able to be there when I really need her. She's also dealing w/her own health issues w/ her kidney stuff. She's not taking care of herself and continues to be sick. I've noticed a shift in her over the last six months or so in that she's just more withdrawn, not happy at all, it's like pulling teeth when we talk because she has nothing much to say, etc.. Not sure I want to address w/ her given all I have going on. It just makes me sad that I have no family help or support at all. Well, just typing that out made me cry. Oy. I also think this holiday was quite lonely for me. I drove down the street and several cars parked in front of houses BBQ's galore. We didn't have anywhere to go and frankly, even if we were invited somewhere, not sure I would have had the energy.

One thing I did do was make all of my appointments and have been seeing Dr.'s....allergist, dentist, dermatologist, and new counselor. Just have new counselor left and will see her next week.
Trying to take care of what I can.

Anyone w/ suggestions, or even yah, been there and it is tough.....happy to hear.