What do you do all day?

After being a stay at home mom for 1 year and 8 months now, I actually had someone (my neighbor) ask me the other day....'So, what do you do all day? Uh.......huh?? I was dumbfounded for a second, then responded with, 'You'd be surprised how much there is to do like laundry, shopping, etc'.....and she proceeds to say, 'That's what weekends are for'.

This was truly the first time someone's ever said that to me, so it took me by surprise. She knows I'm a single parent, but apparently that wasn't enough of a reason for how I could possibly stay at home when my kids are at school and fill my days.  The context around it was we were both talking to one of our new neighbors that moved into our circle with a husband and two boys 10 and 8. We were all three outside chit-chatting and I mentioned I was thinking about going back to work and it can be a bit lonely and isolating being at home. My neighbor who made the comment is probably early 30's, newly married, a teacher, and has no kids. She really has no clue what it's like. Good lesson to keep reminding ourselves of....the old saying of walk a mile....

She probably has no idea that I've spent 18 years working in corporate america-burned out for the last couple of years, simultaneously working projects in real estate, being a single parent for the last 9 years, having some major challenges with both of my children, no real local support around, my parents are both gone.....so yeah, neighbor. You know what I do all day??? You know what I've done since Fall of 2020 because I was home for 6 months 24/7 during lockdown until then??

Rest. And Lots of it.  I've been healing my body and mind from all that was 2020 and in some ways a harder year in 2021 that started out with Covid, a freeze that caused me to run a 3 month long remodel right up until April when my daughter got sick, and basically went from a functioning child to one that started to have meltdowns every few weeks to every week, to multiple times a week, to every single day, to multiple times a day....and usually over an hour every time. Where I had to put my son in my bedroom to keep him away from the chaos. I won't go into detail because I still feel very protective of my child, but suffice it to say, it was awful. A summer that was supposed to be filled with different summer camps I completely cancelled because we were struggling so much. I was desperate to find help from her pediatrician or new doctors, any doctor really, that could help us figure out what was going on and to help us. It's important to point out that over the last few years we have tried some medications. The biggest problem is that even if a few have worked well for awhile, when she gets a lengthy sickness, they eventually become ineffective. In addition to all of that, the therapist we started to see at the beginning of May turned out to be completely awful. 

Finally in beginning of August we went to a neurology clinic to run some basic testing, which came out clear, but through their office we were connected with a new doctor that started seeing us end of August. This Dr. was a beacon of light. Finally, someone who was SO smart, so well-educated, someone who was willing to think outside the box and dig in with us. Through hearing our story: sudden onset of symptoms, changes in behavior after getting sicknesses including strep, certainly two distinct times, with the most recent being April this year, and the complicated case of what we've gone through over the last few years, we discussed something that I had been researching and learning more about for the past year--a specific autoimmune disorder. There's a lot of information to read about, but what I also found is that it's a very controversial diagnosis. In addition to that, there is no magic course of treatment, even if the disorder is suspected.  So, the doctor we started to see in August tapped into his old colleagues at a children's hospital to find out what specialist would be best for us to consult with and set up a referral. We saw the new Dr. who is a rheumatology specialist at the children's hospital in October. After having a consultation with him, he believes there is an inflammatory component that is likely happening, saying it could be the autoimmune disorder, but of course that diagnosis is controversial.  We are in the process of figuring out what our forward path is, which likely is a variety of testing when she actually gets sick again so see what kind of markers may present themselves, what we can learn from that, and continue to make a plan forward.

There's a part of me that didn't even want to explain the last several months. Even though this blog is anonymous to most, there are a couple of people who do read this that actually know us. It's not my preference, but I certainly don't have much choice on whether they read. Also, sharing struggle feels vulnerable. We've been down such a long road. It's been so so hard and I'm not sure how much others can truly understand unless you live it somehow.

Something I've done for myself over the last several months is her beacon of light Dr. gave me a referral to a specialist therapist. A really really good one who actually focuses her practice on challenging situations like ours. I started doing therapy 2 days a week....one day was solely focused on the kids, and the other day was just about me. It's been very helpful. She's given me some strategies, some tools, some challenge on things to think about.....and also helped me realize I've gotten into a depression over the last 8 months or so and didn't even realize it. Why? Because I haven't been sad and crying. I really truly assumed that since I was feeling ok, hopeful for the future, etc. that it didn't even dawn on me that I might be depressed. I knew I lacked motivation and energy....but funny enough (well, not really funny) but me taking the kids to school, coming home to nap for a few hours, then not leaving the house some days wasn't a big enough clue that I could be depressed. This IS something I want to shout about....if you even have an inkling that something is off, see a professional. When I did follow up with my Dr. and mentioned those details, he said that about 60% of his patients who have depression don't actually feel sad and cry all day. Who knew? 

The other thing going forward is insurance. It may be a moot point because as I've mentioned earlier I've thought about going back to work (not solely for insurance), but that would be a benefit.  It was very sobering for me to see the lack of good healthcare insurance options outside of a corporate company structure. I've had it for such a long time that I didn't really think much about it....and have thought over and over again, how do people really make it on these extremely expensive plans that provide limited, HMO coverage, some with crazy high deductibles. It's a big problem.

I'm surprised, and not really surprised it's been about 3 months since I've written a post. In addition to what I've written above, we've had a string of sickness in the house...someone has been sick since October 31 with fevers, my son got a stomach flu, my daughter got it twice, I got a respiratory infection that I'm still recovering from. It's just been a pure mess.

This year really has been one of the toughest for me and my family. A string of big and challenging things throughout this year....but I remain hopeful. I am resilient. I will keep advocating for myself and my children any which way I can. I fiercely love and will protect my children whatever it is I have to do. If it's sleeping on the floor next to my daughter's bed, holding her hand at 4am because she can't fall back asleep, I'll do it.  If it's calling the school immediately about a knucklehead kid who keeps pinching/hitting my son, I'll do it. If it's funneling through dr. after dr. to find help and hope...I'll do it.

I hope something 'lifts' after this post and I can stop the mental block of--I just don't want to write. I have appreciate this space for many years and do want to continue sharing.

Brief check in

I have really had a hard time posting. I've avoided it for awhile, really, because while there were some bright spots over the summer, we've also experienced some crazy hard times in our family. Some of the worst, actually. I thought maybe if I posted just a brief few sentences, it wont feel like this big looming 'I haven't posted in 2 months' feeling of dread.

The start to school was last week has been a little rocky. My son has come home every day from 1st grade and said 'It's awful'.... My daughter on the otherhand has come home from 4th grade and said she loves it. Both of them have been truly exhausted after school and it hasn't been pretty here. They surely will need some time to adjust to all day school again. The other issue is I am very concerned about covid. Our governor said no schools can mandate masks, so some districts challenged that and did it anyway, our school district did not. When we had the open house last monday I'd say 20% were wearing masks? On the first day of school maybe just 10%? My son said a boy in his clase wore his, but when he saw noone else wearing one, he took his off. I know that's exactly what my kids would do too.

I'll write more later, but I wanted to at least get the ball rollin back on here and say hello, we are ok, but things have been so, so hard.

SUMMER!

 Well....we did it. We made it to Summer break! Kids got out of school last Thursday. It was exciting, sad, and almost a disbelief the year was over--not to mention the pressure of trying to figure out what we're going to do all summer. I think back to last summer and everything was still shut down, kids had been out of school since March, we literally couldn't go to the pool, the park, the stores, just nothing. We stayed home 24/7 for the most part for 6 months. We did do drive through when that started to open and we did go to the pool (with a mask and socially distanced) when that opened as well. That's about it.  What a difference now: I'm fully vaccinated, I went to my first store last week without a mask. Now that was an odd experience. I literally felt like I was missing something and doing something wrong. I can't quickly shake the 'wear a mask or you'll die', so not wearing still made me anxious. Although being able to breathe and not sweat in the store was soooo missed.  What's another sobering statistic is that we are almost at 600,000 covid deaths in the united states. 33 million people have had the virus, which includes 3 from this house. I still look at the website regularly that tallies deaths and trends and see we still have hundreds of people dying every day. We also still have a lot of people who don't want to get vaccinated, my sister being one of them. I can't seem to convince her that she needs it, but ultimately it is her decision. Our school even called off the mask mandate as of June 1. I thought that was a bit premature, but hopefully by the Fall things will be semi-normal?

I'm happy that we can look forward and breathe a little easier. I've spent a lot of time doing legwork on camps. Calling, getting prices, reading about the different options, and ultimately signing up. So, this week they are both going to a basketball camp at our elementary school. My son loves basketball so it was a no brainer on that one...but my daughter said no until I told her she could buy the pizza one of the days. Then she was all in. The week after that they are both going to a Y day camp that offers all kinds of stuff like arts, crafts, steam stuff, swimming, day trips, etc, and they feed them! Then the following week while my son stays at the Y, my daughter will go to a one week Spanish immersion camp. She's asked for a long time now about Spanish lessons....and a friend of mine is sending her son there for a month, so really excited to see how she does with it. Then they are both going to visit Amy for a week so I can fly to see my sister. They are doing that so I can have several days to help my sister clean her entire house from top to bottom. She's a lot like my mom and has so much 'stuff' like everywhere. She's been struggling on/off for such a long time now with her health that she asked me to come and help her with the house, it's just too overwhelming for her. So, for the past several weeks I've been contacting carpet cleaners, entire house cleaners for a total deep clean, and carpet installers so she can fix the basement that flooded a few years ago and put it back together. I decided for schedule that: DAY ONE we are going to go in each area of the house and pull out and put in a box everything that doesn't need to be in there and put it in the garage.DAY TWO: House cleaners DAY THREE: Carpet cleaners. We will be sorting through all the crap on day 2 and 3 when the house itself is getting deep cleaned. It's going to be a ton of work, but she really really needs this.

After I get back I have the kids scheduled at the Y for rest of the summer, but you can always cancel a week here and there if other plans come up. My son's little friend Caroline (who he constantly draws pictures for, makes heart shapes with his fingers and points them towards her) asked if we wanted to go to a water park, etc. so for things like that and if we just need more time to relax as well. My whole idea about camps all summer is that they need to stay busy. They need to be active, get energy out, etc.. I think it will be good for them, and good for me to still have some space to myself. A little piece of me was thinking okay, I'm a stay at home mom....and I'm sending my kids to camp all summer. But, then I thought, so what? I will be with them every morning, after camp, and all weekend. There are things camps can do that I am not so good at like: arts/crafts, coming up with new and adventurous things to do, etc. Also, I felt a little better when I learned an old work friend who works from home and her husband is a stay at home dad are sending their 6 year old to camp all summer too.

We started therapy again for my daughter. Things have continued to be a struggle so I researched again to find a good therapist....we did not want a play therapist, but we also didn't want one that was so focused on the education piece because she has a hard time applying that. It's also hard for my girl to talk about her emotions and things in general, so it really did need to be the right match. So, we are trying one out that has good ratings and we've been there twice now. I'm not sure yet what I think....I forgot how slow things go in therapy to see any kind of change or improvement. I keep thinking to myself I'm not seeing the value for the cost just yet. Thankfully insurance picks up a large portion of the fee, otherwise I'd really be more upset, I think. Guess we will see it through for a bit and hope for the best.

A big positive for me is that I haven't had any caffeine since last Monday--a whole week. I'm not even sure what happened other than I said I feel crappy, maybe I just won't have a soda today. And then I started thinking about something my counselor had talked about with me, and that was treating my body well and doing things that made me feel good. I deserve that. I sure do....and I will say caffeine addiction is no joke. But interestingly the transition has not been awful. What I've done is traded in my diet coke with caffeine free in my fridge (at least for now).  What I've noticed so far is that my overall 'feeling' is better. I'm dreaming more, which means I'm getting better quality sleep. I dont wake up feeling like so sluggish and dragging myself out of bed. AND I beat my son at memory card game today. That is a major accomplishment. I'm fuller faster at meal time. I'd like to continue on this path and see what else I notice for the better.

These last several weeks I've felt like I've run around like crazy, doing taxes, working to get the remodel at rental house finished, scheduling appointments for my sister's house, working on summer camps, doctors appointments, regular errands, etc.. My calendar has been quite full lately with just 'stuff'. So, I'm hoping once the kids start camp and I finish the remodel that things will slow down a bit.  What's a bit crazy to me is that in the past I managed all this and had a full time job, oh and let's not forget single parenting. That's a pretty heavy load. So, while I'm off I want to make sure I'm using my time wisely and not 'wasting' it.  Another great thing is that since the kids' camp is at a Y, I can drop them off and go right on in and do my own workout. Every day, no excuses since I'll literally BE there. Sure hope that helps with the motivation factor for me.

List

There are a lot of things swirling in my mind....so hopefully it makes sense after writing.

I'm going to start with parenting. I was feeling so renewed after having a break during spring break. I'm not sure if it was something in the water, but man oh man has it been tough in our house. I take that back, I know likely the culprit--my daughter picked up a respiratory virus/strep throat several weeks ago (not covid, she was tested)....and let me tell you, there's nothing more that contributes to her mood than being sick, tired, or hungry. If you put all of them together, it's just not going to be pleasant. I've been dealing with so. much. bickering and arguing. It is relentless and nonstop. Between the two, between my girl and I, and even my son and I have had words--he's been taunting his sister a lot and he also continues to hang, swing, jump off, and climb everything, including our mantel. He literally was climbing the wall the other day--we have a post and he was shimmying up it. They both have such different personalities that when there is confrontation my son usually backs down to make peace, but my daughter just digs her heels in harder. That's a trigger for me when it's outright defiance, then things escalate. I'm ashamed to admit I've lost it a time or two lately. I've gotten back to a place that makes me realize I need parent/counseling help. I need more tools in order to figure out how to deal with the meltdowns without sacrificing the relationship w/ my girl. I do need to give myself some credit, though, because when there are battles, I sometimes do handle things well and if I dig deep I can have patience....for example, we needed to go to rental house by 12noon on a Saturday. Around 11am I said ok, time to get going. I hear, "I'm not going". My daughter decided she didn't want to go. Of course I tried most of my tricks like giving her time, space, started playing a game with my son and said she could play after she got ready....I got nothing except "No, I'm not going". In my mind I'm thinking okay, she's bigger now, I can't just pick her up and put her in the car anymore....what do I do? We do have a list of family rules on the wall, in addition to the consequences for not following them.  However, sometimes giving consequences work like a calm down (time out), but other times she could care less. I consciously said ok, I'm going to lean in to her and and empathize, hug, let her know I'm there for her etc and while it took about 45 minutes, she ended up choosing to get ready to go. Maybe I just need more practice with this type of response, I don't know. I do know that her anxieties have contributed to issues as well because for the first time at school she refused to get out of the car during morning drop off. Basically it was raining on the way to school and I said we were going to wait in the car rider line. One of her triggers is being late. The longer we sat there the more worked up she got. She ended up pretty much in a meltdown by the time we got to the door. It's not something I want to remember because it was painful. I struggled with what to do? She was in such a state--when she gets like that her mood is just 'unregulated' is the best way to describe....it's like a fight or flight kicks in and she sometimes does both. I hesitate sharing too much because I feel very protective of her and her struggles, but I suspect I'm not alone. All of that to say, I really feel like we both need help. I don't want her carrying shame or embarrassment and I need help with how best to handle certain situations.  

ME:

-I've been focused lately on taking care of some health things-like getting my tooth extracted--was a long recovery and they had to go back in--4 weeks with pain in your mouth is no fun. Right before that a crown had broken so I had to get a new one of those as well. Lots of money lately for my teeth.  I also recently had a non cancerous mole looked at. It was determined to be not great, but not bad....so Dr. wanted to err on the side of take out....so I'm healing now with a 3 inch set of stitches across my forearm. I researched whether my insurance covered dieticians and they do! So I reviewed which ones were in network and set up a new visit with her. I did like her, was motivated with it....then she needed to book out 2 weeks because of a move. Needless to say, I cancelled my visit w/ her today. I need to pick it up, but that's about how things go sometimes....I get an idea, try it, and my follow through just falls off.

- I recently looked in a trunk I had in the closet and came across some old photos. There was one of my just my mom and dad. It hit me hard that both of them are now gone. I still wanted to show my kids because I don't have pictures of my mom up, it is still painful after all these years....and the tears just rolled. Seeing my mom's face, her eyes....even now I'm just crying. God I miss her. It was sad, too in a way that seeing pictures of the family I grew up around felt like a lifetime ago. Like it's been so long since we lived together, were together, etc..that I just felt a heaviness. Sadness...wistfulness, maybe. Another random thing I did was thought of a past relationship when I was a teenager. I think opening up that trunk opened a few things up in my memories too. I looked up online and actually found a picture of him now and he is old and fat. I hardly recognized him....but what surprised me was the angry feelings I had about the relationship. It was not a healthy one, and that kind of started me down the road of not healthy relationships. I kind of had an aha because I do have fear of abandonment, perhaps contributing to the reason I'm completely single after all this time....and realized that that is exactly how he treated me. That's when I started getting mad.  I mean for real this was around 30 years ago, but all these emotions came up that I was not expecting or prepared for. I'm not really sure what to do with this knowledge other than to stew on it, but not let it bring me down.

 --To continue down the nostalgic path, I looked at videos back from when my phone could take them--around 2015. I realized we hardly have ANY videos from last year during the pandemic by the way. But also realized my kids are big now. I feel like my daughter has looked similar since she was 5, but my son has changed leaps and bounds since he turned 6. His adult teeth are coming in. It makes me sad, in a way, that my kids aren't little little anymore. My son no longer says I wuv you. It's I love you.

--I flew for the first time in maybe 2 years? My sister turned 50 and I flew up direct to meet up in a town about 2 hours from her, and 3 hours from my brother....lots of things went wrong like our hotel was horrible, we changed a few times....my brother's truck broke down. But, it allowed him to actually stay the night and spend more time together. It was really really good to be together. I wished my kids could have hung out too.....but I needed a break i.e. read all of the above.....so Amy came to visit, thankfully to allow me the 48 hours to go.

--I'm getting itchy to move. We've been here almost 6 years now. Market is great for sellers.....but no pull as to go somewhere else. I've been eyeing my neighbor's house w/ an attached garage. I decided to keep my rental house and am in the process of remodeling it. Tenant signed a two year lease so that helped me feel more confident in keeping.

--Still have been thinking of that third child. Not ready to give the idea up just yet. Maybe that's okay. If anyone wants to donate embryos? let me know. Kidding, sort of. I've checked out a few of the websites for embryo donation and just not sure how much success a single person might have on there. For now I'll just keep our baby stuff.

--My brain is so dull these days. My short term memory is laughable, I can't find the words I want to use, I forget what I am saying mid-sentence. I chalk some of this up to bad sleep i.e. I still don't sleep well and my 6 year old seems to wake up as much as a newborn sometimes. I really felt it when my son brought home a challenge sheet where you look at a picture, then take it away and ask questions to see what you can remember. Oh my....my mental sharpness is gone. I used to be So quick too. Sigh.

My son:

--We all were talking in the car the other day and he says, 'I miiiight be annoying, but I do nice stuff'! 

--He still surprises me with his sweetness....he asked to crack the eggs in the kitchen. He pulled out 9 eggs and said, 'Look!'...I said looks good. He said, 'LOOK'....I still didn't see and he showed me he had laid out the eggs in the shape of a flower for me. He was home sick and I mentioned I was tired...he said 'oh, do you want me to sit with you to comfort you?'. We were reading books at night and I asked if he wanted to read the left page and I read the right? He said, "No, you read...I like the sound of your voice".

--He is very descriptive sometimes when he talks....we had a round of strep throat come through and when my son had it he said it felt like 10,000 bees stinging it.  When he was mad he described it as he felt like he was inside of the tin cake cover i.e. feeling trapped.

--He tested into the talented and gifted program at school. I knew he was crazy good at math but I had no idea he was as good at reading. On the standardized tests he scored 97%ile in reading and 98%ile in math. He was one of only 4 kids out of over 100 that tested in. I was kind of amazed, really. They call it the Challenge program. For kinder he goes once a week for an hour and starting in first grade they go all day once a week.  Will see how that goes. I know his other kinder academic work was way too basic.

My Girl:

--She has a really dry sense of humor. She's going to be queen of the one liners, I think. The other day when we were eating dinner she says, 'I said it once and I'll say it again....I do not like meatloaf". It might be a 'you had to be there' moment but to hear this come out of an 8 year old just cracked me up.

--She has a lot of nicknames....sis, sister...babe is the one I use the most.

--Don't know if I mentioned but she got braces on the top of her teeth in December. Oy vey. Apparently they do it differently now where if they need to make space, they prefer to move their teeth to keep them versus pull them out later. I was on the fence about it, got 2 consultations, and for some reason the second one sold me. He used the 'if it were my kid'....and he has 5 of them. I made a quick decision the day of the consultation to do it, and for insurance to pay as much as they could. She will have to get the bottom ones on this week. She'll keep both on until December. I really had some remorse after doing it because she was in a lot of pain and really it's only 1 tooth we are trying to save, her teeth were already straight, she'll have to wear a retainer until all her adult teeth come in, AND this doesn't prevent her from needing a second set of braces afterwards.....but her regular dentist agreed it was the right decision too. Perhaps it will save her from having oral surgery and wearing them a shorter time both times.

--My girl had been asking for a fish for a few years now. She even wrote a paper at school that was a persuasive essay on how our family needed a fish. After reading her work I finally caved and said yes, she could get a fish. We went and picked it out, got all of the equipment, tank, rocks, and set it up.....and oh no....the fish died after two days. I dont remember it being that hard to keep a fish when I was growing up, don't you just put it in a bowl? We didn't do that of course, but aw man. After realizing what it would take to keep a fish she decided she didn't want to replace it. Probably a good decision.

--Their class got a pet hamster named Luna and she was so excited the teacher agreed to do it. There was a ball she got to run around in during class and overall they were having a lot of fun w/ her. And then....we get the email. Luna had gotten sick and didn't make it. I had to explain to my girl over spring break that Luna wouldn't be there when she got back to school. Thankfully she didn't cry. I'm hopeful that this is enough with pets for awhile.

--She's had a lot of struggles lately, but I'm hopeful that we are just in a valley and things will improve soon.

--She smells SO good. For some reason, she has always had this fresh, sweet smell and it is just amazing. sometimes I ask her to come over to me so I can hug her and just bury my head next to hers...and breathe deeply. ahhhhhh.

Like I said, lots of mish mosh of things....but I think something I'm learning w/ parenting is that there are lots of peaks and valleys. For some reason, I had this idea that things just sort of stay constant. I'm not sure why I even thought this....but in our house it just doesn't. Maybe in others' houses it does, but not ours. Guess i'm constantly learning.

Spring Break

We made it to Spring Break (last week)....hard to believe considering how this year started, what's happened during, and that we only have a few months left until school is out. Like summer is coming in a few months! 

The kids and I talked about what they wanted to do, and they had asked about visiting Amy. She had invited all of us over for whatever time we wanted to go, and for some reason, I really just wanted to stay home. I just wanted a break.  It's ironic that I say a 'break' because the kids go to school from 7:55 and get off the bus/home by 3:25, but it's still a routine. For those that say, 'What do you do all day?'....the answer is plenty! The day gets filled quickly w/ grocery shopping, projects, errands, naps (!), and then the routine after 3:30 until bedtime. When I decided I wanted a break, I wanted a total break. I wanted full days and nights where I could turn off the mom ear. And I didn't realize how much I needed it until I had it.

So, the kids and I packed and drove about 3 hours to meet 1/2 way last Monday. Then I turned around and drove 3 hours home. The plan was for them to stay Mon-Fri, meet on Friday afternoon. I spent the first two days with a stomach bug that I must have picked up during the trip. Yuck. But after I felt better I spent a lot of time working on getting bids for the rental remodel (still trying to decide if I'm going to fix or sell), and had a consultation about getting a tooth extracted. I had a crown and root canal done on this tooth, but for some reason last year it failed and both dentist and endodontist said it needed to come out. Then covid hit and I put it on the back burner. I wanted to get it done before the end of our plan year March 31, so after the consultation they said they could fit me in on Friday. It was anesthesia so we decided that I would recover some and pick up the kids on Sunday.

They had a ton of fun doing crafts, activities, going to parks, swimming, eating snowballs......and lots of sugar. That is one area where Amy and I completely disagree. I'm okay w/ moderate i.e. a sweet treat here and there is okay. Well....omg they had sweet treats and multiples of them every day. It was nuts. Seemed like whenever I spoke to them they had candy, chocolate, cookies, sneaked a soda, snowballs, etc... When I think about it, it really makes me upset because she blatantly disregards my feelings about it and almost does it with wild abandon when I'm not there. She thinks it's 'fun'. We've had multiple conversations over the years to no avail. I haven't drawn a line in the sand, but I suppose I could. This is only the second time they've visited without me. I also weigh the fact that she did take both of them full time, gave me a break, and then I criticize the way she does it? That doesn't seem right either. I did give her money for gas/activities, so I do feel like contributed.

Anway, I spoke to kids by facetime everynight and was able to step out of mom mode and really just focus 100% on their stories and look forward to the conversation. There were SO many aha's during this last week that I thought I would list them here:

--I really am a second shift kind of person. I completely forgot what it was like to do something at 3:30-7pm. I made sure I did something during those times just because I could.....and I was SO productive. It's like my natural rhythm is get up around 10am, really 'get going' around 1 or 2, and wind down around 8-9pm, bed around midnight. It felt SO good to fall back into this natural pattern. I just tend to get my energy or wind in the afternoon. I don't need to feel bad that I'm not a morning person and don't love doing things at 8-9am.

--My patience tank completely filled back up!  I realized after they were gone for a few days that I had been pretty short-tempered lately. I had been doing a lot more hollering than usual, raising my voice more than usual, which I really feel terrible about afterwards. I didn't realize that just because I'm not working a corporate job, that doesn't mean I don't have stress. I just recovered from Covid, just went through a freeze that destroyed 1/2 of my rental house, and all the other daily life stressors like bills, etc.. When I picked them up I couldn't believe how much my patience tank was back. I didn't react to the bickering, I was able to stay calm during tense times...I truly felt renewed. This was probably the biggest AHA and benefit of having a total break. I had no idea how worn down I actually was with parenting. I was starting to just be frustrated most of the time and I know they feed off of my energy. I can't say that because I am more calm, they've absorbed all of that.....but I do think over time they will.

--I nag way too much. In the absence of doing the daily routine, I realized how much and how many times I say 'get your pajamas'.....'did you get your pajamas'....'get your pajamas now'. Why can't I just say it once, and give them a chance to do it?? Well, I know why.....they do things much slower than I would like! But, it was a good lesson for me that I create some of the stress by nagging when it's not necessary. So what if it takes a few extra minutes.

--Parenting is a heavy load, even with an 8 and 6 year old. With the physically grueling days of diapers, naps, no sleeping, tantrums, etc.. a bit behind us, I felt like parenting a bit bigger kids was a bit easier. In many ways it is, BUT, while having a break I realized that just because they are 8 and 6, that doesn't mean it's easy. There is still a lot that is managed everyday--morning routine, snacks, lunch, figuring out dinner, afterschool, refereeing, baths, bedtime routine, storytime, etc.. I also didn't realize how much I still run our day by the clock. Asking myself multiple times a day, what time is it? What's next up? Oh let's not forget single parenting. Because I feel like I've been doing this for so long now, I really don't stop and reflect on how much I'm carrying by myself. I hold all the responsibility, which in many ways is good, but getting a hand now and then is also good.

--I pick up all. the. time. I'm constantly doing it.  However, I had the cleaning lady over on Wednesday and I can't tell you how much I LOVED having the house cleaned and nothing moved (unless I moved it) for several days in a row. It was glorious. 

--One of my favorite things to do is drive the kids to school everyday. Knock on wood our mornings are pretty good, kids know what to do, get themselves dressed etc.., and I have my tasks like filling water bottles, getting snacks, and masks while they eat breakfast, brush teeth, etc and we are on our way. It's only about a 10-15 minute ride, car rider wait but we get to just talk. No distractions. They talk about what their day might be like, what's coming up at school, what we see out the window, etc.. It's just a very peaceful (mostly) ride and I get a lot of joy out of that time of day. Even though we leave at 7:30am!

Those were just a few of my thoughts/observations over the last week. I truly enjoyed the downtime and the ability to completely disconnect and renew myself. I feel good about it.

Recovery and....

I apologize for not updating sooner that I have finally recovered from Covid. I checked back to see the last time I wrote and it's been over a month, almost 2.  It's been a hard almost 2 months.  Looking back, the hardest part for me during my sickness wasn't that my symptoms were extreme, it's that they were just relentless.....day after day after day of feeling just sick. Some symptoms came and went, but what stayed the entire time was the malaise. My oxygen saturation dipped into the 80's which had me worried enough to go to the ER, but thankfully I stayed out of the hospital.

The turning point was on January 7th Day 14, once the primary Dr. put me on steroids and antibiotics I finally finally started to improve. And it was a sloooow recovery since then. I think the medications gave my body the boost it needed to fight the virus, the mild fever, etc.. and I started finally eating more than once a day. However, the fatigue just hung over me like a heavy cloud. I was eating more, even going outside, etc.. but I remember just feeling like I had no strength. The kids had been begging me for weeks to go outside, walk/play with them, and I just couldn't. But, after awhile, I did push myself to go. The first time we walked to what we call 'swing park' I made it there, but had to sit on the bench to recover before walking back home. I was just out of breath simply from walking. I felt this way for the rest of January. I had a follow up visit to the Dr. because I was worried something was wrong i.e. I just wasn't recovering like I should. Dr. said I had to just be patient because it takes weeks. That was something I wasn't prepared for.

When people would ask how I was doing I would say I was about 75% recovered....then 80%, 90%, and then I got to 99% because even after so many weeks I couldn't say 100% because I just didn't feel 'right'.  I think part of the problem in the final recovery period was my anxiety was out of control and my heart had all of these zings and pings, which made me feel like something bad was going to happen. At night when it got quiet after the kids went to sleep I would literally sit here in the recliner and feel like it might be my last night. Feeling of impending doom. Clearly those are anxiety symptoms so I finally called my Dr. and said I just can't manage feeling like this. I had some anxiety medicine in the past which 'sort of' helped, so I said I needed that, but stronger. I've never experienced anxiety like I did during this time. It was simply awful. In hindsight, of course my anxiety would amp up because hundreds of thousands of people were dying of the virus I had. Fearing it would 'get me' too was just such a battle on top of the physical battle. Just as exhausting.  I still can't believe we've lost over 500,000 people now. I just can't even wrap my brain around it. Horrific.

It probably wasn't until about 5-6 weeks after that I would say I was 'all better'. Back to having strength, eating regularly, sleeping better, etc.. However, during this time, while I was sick, I had to 'fight' with the principal to get the kids back in school. I completely understand that they need to protect everyone, but they weren't following their own flowchart of 'when kids can come back', so it got a little tense. The principal even called the district medical director when I pushed back saying that yes, her Dr. cleared her, we've met the criteria, and she should stay at school. After the principal called the medical director, she called me back and said yes, they can be at school. Thank you.

So, 2021 has been rough so far because after Covid, on Valentines Day, my mother's really good friend Auntie Paula passed away unexpectedly. She was 77. She lived back in the midwest with her son, and we would stay in touch through letters, postcards, texts, etc..it really was a special connection because she was so close to my mom.  They were both nurses together and my mom would tell stories of how they went to nurse at camps during the summer, and travel the world together...all before she met my Dad. My mom was a surgical nurse and had many stories of working with Dr's that would throw instruments, some gory things she saw. She had a whole life before getting married and having kids. Kind of like me too :) I had just texted with her son a few weeks ago and he said everything was good. Apparently things went downhill over a few week time span.  I would have like to known things had taken a turn so I could have spoken with her again....but I didn't get that chance. Then the poor guy, who just lost his mother, texted me yesterday saying he was in the hospital with a terrible infection in his leg and had surgery twice so far.

The day after that, if you've been watching the news you've seen that we had a deep freeze here in the south. On Monday, Feb 15 we lost power sometime early that morning and it was so cold in the house. It had snowed so the kids were so excited to run out and play in it, even though it was bitterly cold. 

Inside the house, it started out at 60 something, then when it got to the low 50's I said we had to find somewhere to go. I called about 30 hotels because everyone else was doing the same thing, and finally found a place. Thankfully Amy was here and she was able to help during what was to become a pretty big ordeal. We got to the hotel around 3pm check in, and by 5:30pm their power went out, which also made their water stop working.  Since it was insulated enough (better than the house) I decided we should just stay at the hotel and figure out what to do the next day. Being in the hotel was fine, except once we couldn't flush the toilet and it got full....well, I just couldn't handle it. So in the a.m. I reached out to an old colleague and she had power and water, so we schlepped over there around 11am on Tuesday. I had been staying in touch with my neighbors and they continued to say no power, some no water. Our neighbors to the right stayed in their house with their fireplace and said it was 44 inside. Meanwhile outside it was single digit temperatures and freezing wind. Thankfully they were at home because next thing I know they call me and say a pipe burst at my house. Water was gushing out of a pipe near the garage and they turned off the water to the house.  So, no power or water. THEN, my tenant in the bungalow calls me and says this happened.

The entire ceiling caved in because it appeared that a pipe burst in the attic. OH. My. God. In fact, that's exactly what I texted my tenant.  I basically told him to shut off the water, electricity, and leave the house.  There was not one thing we could do until we could get a plumber out there. And guess what? When it's a deep freeze, thousands of people have the same problem, need the same thing??? Forget about it.  My poor house sat for 9 days until I could get a plumber. I just met him this past Wednesday. And that was after I had a company booked on Monday, they called out, booked again on Tuesday, they called out.  Oh, and let's not forget that after you get the plumber, you need a water remediation specialist. Same story with the plumbers, but I would say even worse.  From the day it happened, I probably made dozens of phone calls for each every day, just hoping upon hope that I could get someone to answer the phone. I was on about 10 waitlists for water, but persistence pays off because I just randomly happened to get through to one guy who actually answered. YES!  He's the one that gave me the plumber's name who actually came out, and I just met him for water estimate on Thursday this week. Of course, multiple calls to insurance for the claim as well.

On a positive note, the pipe issue at my main house was able to be fixed by my lawn guy. After realizing I wasn't going to get anyone out here, I thought to call him. So, he fixed it that day-which was Wednesday last week. And, the minute we stepped into the house prior to him coming, the power turned back on right as we walked through the door. So, we had water and power after 3 days. However, since I wasn't sure it would actually stay on, we ended up staying at my friend's house another night to be sure.  I could not have been more thankful to my friend because she had plenty of room for us to stay (5 bedrooms), they had a generator back up which was needed because there were rolling blackouts and their power went off on Wednesday. We were able to actually, dare I say, have a good time at their house because a) it felt SO good to be around people again b) we had a few family meals at a table with me, my kids, Amy, my friend, her husband and their two kids, which felt much like thanksgiving and c) I just felt comforted. I remember being upstairs trying to put the kids to sleep...I was laying on the floor between the two and I heard the background noises of TV, voices from downstairs, it was so cozy.....it just warmed my heart and made me feel like I used to at home growing up.  Interestingly enough, this friend's house has held many special events....I had my daughter's baby shower there, I stayed there in 2015 for a few weeks when I started my job back here, we had my daughter's 3rd birthday party there when ours was still under renovation....and now, the storm. I told her that I've had a lot of big moments at her house! We ended up coming back to our house on Thursday, settled in, and by Saturday we were back at soccer.

Of course my new project is going to be managing the renovation at the rental house. When I met the water mitigation folks, they measured the amount of water in the walls, etc. and about half of them need to be torn out....also the entire floor. It's going to be big. I've had to manage my tenant and give him options of breaking the lease because clearly he can't live there....but he's been there two years and wants to stay. Thank you....so we are working on how to make it all work.

Friends, it's been really really hard here....Other than losing my mother, this probably rates up there as one of the hardest times of my life. Being responsible for little humans that were emotionally missing their mother and seeing me not function, worrying if this horrible virus would take me, going through a terrible storm, the damage, etc....this post doesn't go deep enough to describe how all of that felt.......but I am beyond grateful for my recovery, for the resilience of my children, for another work friend who provided so many meals, and even found a babysitter to come for 5 hours one day during my sickness (babysitter/mary poppins who cleaned while she was here!), for my work friend who sheltered us and we had meals with, for countless friends and neighbors who checked in on us/provided food--my neighbor across street who made my first meal of this chicken/stars, red broth that sounds terrible but was so healing, and just the prayers of friends, family, neighbors, and readers.

In my time of need I felt supported and loved. Just thank you.

Worse

This virus is awful. I went to the ER over the weekend (with the kids of course because what else could I do) and after chest X-ray they said I had pneumonia. The good news to come out of that is my oxygen levels were good enough to keep me out of the hospital. The Dr told me there’s no room anyway. So, thankfully I’m not lined up against a wall, I’m at home.

I don’t have the energy to write too much but I do want to say the emotional toll of this virus is just as bad as the physical. Worrying if today’s your last day, watching your pulse ox go down, wondering if this is it? Having your son walk toward you, then shy away because you are sick.....having your kids ask you if you are going to die? And, seeing their faces when I tell them the truth—that it’s possible, but I hope not.

Not much worse.....I’m emotionally and physically depleted. Lots of tears. For all of us.

I’ve learned after day 14 of this it truly is day by day. You might think symptoms are easing (for me it’s the malaise, headache, fatigue, dry cough when trying to take a deep breath), but then you spend the entire next day on the couch...again.

I finally finally got a primary Dr call yesterday (too long a story to even begin—I need a new Dr office) and he started me on steroids and antibiotics. I hope it helps. I’ve used my albuterol inhaler almost daily for several days now and the only other thing that’s really helped thus far is Tylenol every 4 hours.

Day by day.

I was wrong

Turns out my sister was Negative. She took the 2 day test so I’m confident in those results. Also, I didn’t think about the fact that there is an incubation period. I went to neighbors on the 25th and started feeling symptoms on the 25th. So....Not from the neighbors.

I don’t know and likely won’t.

At a time like this we need to have grace, understanding, and support for those who become ill. Im on Day 9 and this thing has knocked me down. The malaise, lack of appetite, and headache is constant. Other symptoms come and go, but I think I’ve had most of them. A few days I lost a bit of taste ie I could tell it was a popsicle and sweet, but not the full flavor.

The hardest part is not having any help with me or the kids. No one can come in. I’ve been blessed with neighbors and friends dropping off groceries and meals which have been a lifesaver. But the house has started to close in since everyday is pretty much the same. Sleep fitfully, take a shower in am and use all energy I have for that, and then move between the recliner and couch for the rest of the day.

The only thing that helps a bit is Tylenol. I tried everything else and it doesn’t make a dent. It’s also been isolating medically because I can’t get through to primary care, it’s taken multiple phone calls. I tried urgent care to get virtual and system down. I just ran out of energy. I need some help so will try again.

This is hard. So hard. I did go outside today for the first time in a week and the fresh air was good. 

I’m digging deep to make sure the kids are fed and I stay hydrated.