After being a stay at home mom for 1 year and 8 months now, I actually had someone (my neighbor) ask me the other day....'So, what do you do all day? Uh.......huh?? I was dumbfounded for a second, then responded with, 'You'd be surprised how much there is to do like laundry, shopping, etc'.....and she proceeds to say, 'That's what weekends are for'.
This was truly the first time someone's ever said that to me, so it took me by surprise. She knows I'm a single parent, but apparently that wasn't enough of a reason for how I could possibly stay at home when my kids are at school and fill my days. The context around it was we were both talking to one of our new neighbors that moved into our circle with a husband and two boys 10 and 8. We were all three outside chit-chatting and I mentioned I was thinking about going back to work and it can be a bit lonely and isolating being at home. My neighbor who made the comment is probably early 30's, newly married, a teacher, and has no kids. She really has no clue what it's like. Good lesson to keep reminding ourselves of....the old saying of walk a mile....
She probably has no idea that I've spent 18 years working in corporate america-burned out for the last couple of years, simultaneously working projects in real estate, being a single parent for the last 9 years, having some major challenges with both of my children, no real local support around, my parents are both gone.....so yeah, neighbor. You know what I do all day??? You know what I've done since Fall of 2020 because I was home for 6 months 24/7 during lockdown until then??
Rest. And Lots of it. I've been healing my body and mind from all that was 2020 and in some ways a harder year in 2021 that started out with Covid, a freeze that caused me to run a 3 month long remodel right up until April when my daughter got sick, and basically went from a functioning child to one that started to have meltdowns every few weeks to every week, to multiple times a week, to every single day, to multiple times a day....and usually over an hour every time. Where I had to put my son in my bedroom to keep him away from the chaos. I won't go into detail because I still feel very protective of my child, but suffice it to say, it was awful. A summer that was supposed to be filled with different summer camps I completely cancelled because we were struggling so much. I was desperate to find help from her pediatrician or new doctors, any doctor really, that could help us figure out what was going on and to help us. It's important to point out that over the last few years we have tried some medications. The biggest problem is that even if a few have worked well for awhile, when she gets a lengthy sickness, they eventually become ineffective. In addition to all of that, the therapist we started to see at the beginning of May turned out to be completely awful.
Finally in beginning of August we went to a neurology clinic to run some basic testing, which came out clear, but through their office we were connected with a new doctor that started seeing us end of August. This Dr. was a beacon of light. Finally, someone who was SO smart, so well-educated, someone who was willing to think outside the box and dig in with us. Through hearing our story: sudden onset of symptoms, changes in behavior after getting sicknesses including strep, certainly two distinct times, with the most recent being April this year, and the complicated case of what we've gone through over the last few years, we discussed something that I had been researching and learning more about for the past year--a specific autoimmune disorder. There's a lot of information to read about, but what I also found is that it's a very controversial diagnosis. In addition to that, there is no magic course of treatment, even if the disorder is suspected. So, the doctor we started to see in August tapped into his old colleagues at a children's hospital to find out what specialist would be best for us to consult with and set up a referral. We saw the new Dr. who is a rheumatology specialist at the children's hospital in October. After having a consultation with him, he believes there is an inflammatory component that is likely happening, saying it could be the autoimmune disorder, but of course that diagnosis is controversial. We are in the process of figuring out what our forward path is, which likely is a variety of testing when she actually gets sick again so see what kind of markers may present themselves, what we can learn from that, and continue to make a plan forward.
There's a part of me that didn't even want to explain the last several months. Even though this blog is anonymous to most, there are a couple of people who do read this that actually know us. It's not my preference, but I certainly don't have much choice on whether they read. Also, sharing struggle feels vulnerable. We've been down such a long road. It's been so so hard and I'm not sure how much others can truly understand unless you live it somehow.
Something I've done for myself over the last several months is her beacon of light Dr. gave me a referral to a specialist therapist. A really really good one who actually focuses her practice on challenging situations like ours. I started doing therapy 2 days a week....one day was solely focused on the kids, and the other day was just about me. It's been very helpful. She's given me some strategies, some tools, some challenge on things to think about.....and also helped me realize I've gotten into a depression over the last 8 months or so and didn't even realize it. Why? Because I haven't been sad and crying. I really truly assumed that since I was feeling ok, hopeful for the future, etc. that it didn't even dawn on me that I might be depressed. I knew I lacked motivation and energy....but funny enough (well, not really funny) but me taking the kids to school, coming home to nap for a few hours, then not leaving the house some days wasn't a big enough clue that I could be depressed. This IS something I want to shout about....if you even have an inkling that something is off, see a professional. When I did follow up with my Dr. and mentioned those details, he said that about 60% of his patients who have depression don't actually feel sad and cry all day. Who knew?
The other thing going forward is insurance. It may be a moot point because as I've mentioned earlier I've thought about going back to work (not solely for insurance), but that would be a benefit. It was very sobering for me to see the lack of good healthcare insurance options outside of a corporate company structure. I've had it for such a long time that I didn't really think much about it....and have thought over and over again, how do people really make it on these extremely expensive plans that provide limited, HMO coverage, some with crazy high deductibles. It's a big problem.
I'm surprised, and not really surprised it's been about 3 months since I've written a post. In addition to what I've written above, we've had a string of sickness in the house...someone has been sick since October 31 with fevers, my son got a stomach flu, my daughter got it twice, I got a respiratory infection that I'm still recovering from. It's just been a pure mess.
This year really has been one of the toughest for me and my family. A string of big and challenging things throughout this year....but I remain hopeful. I am resilient. I will keep advocating for myself and my children any which way I can. I fiercely love and will protect my children whatever it is I have to do. If it's sleeping on the floor next to my daughter's bed, holding her hand at 4am because she can't fall back asleep, I'll do it. If it's calling the school immediately about a knucklehead kid who keeps pinching/hitting my son, I'll do it. If it's funneling through dr. after dr. to find help and hope...I'll do it.
I hope something 'lifts' after this post and I can stop the mental block of--I just don't want to write. I have appreciate this space for many years and do want to continue sharing.
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