Umm.........Check it out

Folks,
I knew I couldn't go another day and not test again.....today it took a much shorter time to pop up.  It just might be the real thing. Here's what's funny....I really don't feel much different. Is that normal?
How I do feel? I am still having some mild cramping and stuffy nose, and my mood is pretty level. My chest is still sore, but less so.  The places I have been injecting the progesterone hurt and I have lumps back there.

Ummm...........What?!

I got up early today and went to the Dr. to get a progesterone blood check. Then I ran a few more errands and came back to my house for an hour or so until my contractor appointment.  I started googling about when you can do a home pregnancy test after IVF transfer. The information out there is so varied, I honestly couldn't get a good feel, so I said to heck w/ it, I'll just take a test and see what happens.

And

This

Is

What

Happened.......

Ummmm....what? I didn't have time to process much because I had to go to see contractor, then do some additional errands.  But, if I am totally honest in the moment, a part of me was scared for either result, but more scared for the positive. Yikes.  All I said out loud was, "Oh wow".

I hesitated even posting this on the blog because as I am sitting here doing more googling--it may be too early to test, could be a false positive.  After 11am today I am now in my 8th day pa.st 3 d..ay tra..nsfer.  That means it is 13th day since HCG shot. I would think it would be out of my system by now, but don't know for sure.

I am just not celebrating yet.  I need a few more positive HPT's, then a positive blood test next Friday, then doubling for Monday to make the claim that it worked.


For those that know me in real life, please do not share this news. It could just as easily turn out to be false, so I would like to be really really cautious. Thanks for supporting me.

Stuff and 6d.....p.....t

This has been a craptastic few days, for a variety of reasons....and I have been crying on and off so much my eyes are way puffy.

First, my contractor bailed on me today.  We couldn't come to terms w/ labor costs for my whole house remodel.  We have spent hours working on this and down to the last minute he backs out saying it's due to money. My biggest mistake was not getting 2 or 3 other bids going at same time so I am not left in this position. Live and learn.

Second, I have a crappy head cold with a nasty sore throat. Yuck.

Third, I was w/ my sister in the store yesterday. I had crouched down to look at something on the bottom shelf and totally just fell backwards. Since I was crouched, not far to go, but I landed really hard on my hip, which ties to my back. Hurts. On ice now.

Fourth and most importantly, my cat who is only 5 years old is one test shy of being diagnosed w/ congenital kidney disease. We are in testing phase right now. To try and make a long story short, he had been coughing hairballs months ago.  Then the hairball medicine stopped working (or so I thought) so I decided I should take him to the vet last month.  He was on two rounds of antibiotics but neither knocked it out. Next step was to do a blood panel. I took him this week and the Vet called last night and gave me his blood numbers and they were WAY off the charts for kidney function--this was not even related to the coughing problem, and my Dr. said he was surprised because this is extremely unusual for a cat that is only five years old.
What the heck?! I brought him there for coughing and you tell me he has kidney disease and want to put him on IV, etc..  This was only the 3rd time I have taken my cat there....in fact, prior to that my cats had never been to the vet. Call me a bad mom for it, but they are indoor only and had never ever been sick w/ anything before. Anyway, I just didn't trust the results. I really didn't. Their office is so chaotic, I wondered if they mixed up the lab sample....how could he be so sure, etc...? What about doing other tests to rule things out, etc..?

So, I decided for my heart's health I needed to get a second opinion.  I found a different vet today that treats cats only. I called them up and explained the situation, had the other vet fax over their labs to this vet and went today at 2:30pm.  They do most of their testing in house....and I got the same bad news again.  The blood labs tested the same.  His kidney function is way off. She also did a urinalysis that showed his urine was 'lighter' than it should be. They are sending a second urine sample out that she is calling me about tomorrow. They also did a chest x-ray for the coughing and she thinks that is only allergy related bronchitis.
The only thing left to do to is do a kidney ultrasound next Wednesday to determine if the poor kidney function is related to an infection of some sort or congenital kidney disease i.e he was born w/ it.

Who would have ever guessed a routine visit to vet for a cough would turn out that my cat might have kidney disease. Jeepers.  The vet bill today was 425$ bucks, w/ probably another $150 to go for the ultrasound. I had some idea of the cost because I asked before all of the procedures. But, this is a time when peace of mind over-rode and I just said do it.


So, based on items 1-4 above, I have been a bit of a wreck.  I melted down at the Vet's office when I was picking him up today. I was looking in his little face and just felt sooo sad. Everytime I looked at him in the car or heard him cry on the way home I just kept sobbing. Boy that was tough. It also brought up some really strong emotions I felt throughout my mom's illness......just watching someone you love so much just get more sick despite your efforts. It hurts deeper than anything I can describe on this page. 

I know a lot is going on right now and I have every right to be emotional over what has happened, but I haven't cried like this since grieving about my mom....really unpleasant.

And now that I am home I have only eaten a sandwich today and don't have an appetite. Totally switcharoo from where I was last week.  I am also having some mild cramping that feels monthly, but not sure. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow to check my progesterone level. Would be nice if they said I could stop the shots since they really do hurt.  Also, the twinging in my uterus stopped. There were two distinct spots that I could feel it. Maybe implantation? Who knows.....

Since I don't want to wallow (except about my cat).....I did get on the ball today as soon as I knew I needed a Plan B or C for my house. I googled a bigger contractor in my area and we will meet tomorrow at 1pm. Don't hold lots of hope because since they are a bigger = usually means more $$$$.  The other thing I have cooking is networking through my realtor. We've known each other for several years and I sent her an email to see if she could help me. She knows people in the 'remodel' business and asked a guy who used to do whole house remodels to give me a ring. He called this afternoon and we are going to meet up next week. He would be a mentor of sorts since he only builds new houses now, but he would hook me to his contractors and I would work out the plans, etc.. I am confident in my abilities, just not confident about the how much time it will take for me to do. 

Gotta keep goin'....that's what I gotta do.  I hope I sleep tonight.

4 da.ys pa.st 3 da.y tran.sfer (4d....p....t)

Things are happening in my body. My breasts are still so tender it actually hurts to change my clothes. I have been having some regular cramping starting yesterday. It sometimes is a very strong twinge, then it subsides....then I'll have another one on the other side--so the feelings are not always in the same spots. It doesn't feel like it is in my ovaries, though. Definitely lower.  I was driving w/ my sister  today when I had a much stronger 'twinge' than I have had before that lasted about 5 seconds. Of course I am wondering, is that implantation occurring? The timing lines up w/ what's listed in last post.  But, it also lines up w/ progesterone and estradiol!!  Not trying to be too obsessive, especially knowing the medications can cause all of this.  I've done some reading on line for what others describe and I think it is just so individualized, you just can't tell for sure.  One thing I can say is the progesterone shots really do hurt--sometime giving them...but what's left behind makes my muscles really sore.

My sister seems to have shaken her mood today which has made our time together much nicer.  Sometimes you never know why, just have to roll w/ it.

The only thing that is really bother me right now--and I think about multiple times a day--is my weight. I have eaten w/ almost no filter since Thanksgiving and the scale is proving it. I think part of the problem has been the medications, but a larger part if my food choices and stress eating. When I look back I think I was more stressed about this process than I was aware of--who wouldn't be--and have been feeding the anxiety that way. I think what I will do is if this cycle is not successful is take some time off to get this weight off and then try again.  I just can't see starting the process in the shape I am in now.

I'm also scared. Scared it worked. I've read that on a few blogs that women in my shoes have felt this way. For some reason I haven't been excited....more nervous than anything. Thinking about my body, my future, etc.. I've got a lot of thoughts running around in my head.  I don't feel super anxious, but I do think it is creating some anxiety and stress....low grade such that it doesn't come into my consciousness....but I should know better because I am stuffing my face.

What is happening now? 2 Days Pa.st Tran.sfer (2d...p...t)

I searched online to understand what is happening in my body right now. I found the attached list on NY.U Fer.ti.ilty site. Why I chose this one, who knows....but it was one of the first I found to list out in a succinct way.
I may have morulas developing into blastocysts right now.

3-Day Transfer
Number = How many days after transfer
1--The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
2--The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
3--The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
4--The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
5--The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
6--Implantation continues
7--Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
8--Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
9/10--Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
11--Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy 


Physical symptoms....my breast are extremely sore. This started yesterday when I started the vi.vi.velle patches--estradiol. I am still pretty bloated and feel so full. Not helping that I am eating so much w/ the holidays. jeepers.  I woke up today w/ quite a bit of anxiety. This is done. It's also not helping that I sent an email to my known donor several days ago and haven't heard back. It is making me wonder if he changed his mind about this being open. And that makes me nervous and upset. I know it's the holidays, and all....but still. It is clear that I have absolutely no control over any of this w/ the donor. I told my sister I was nervous about this and her response was, "didn't you think about that before?". That is not what I needed to hear and of course I thought of it. These are the things my sister says sometimes that make it difficult for me.  And unfortunately she has been in a real crap-dog mood since she got here. This is the first time she's been this way in a very long time. She was taking care of me on bed-rest, but whenever I asked for something the first word out of her mouth was 'No'. She would end up doing it, but made it harder than it needed to be.  I would ask her to do something and she would say she's in control and would handle it.  That wasn't sitting with me very well.  She apologized last night for being in such a bad mood...which was fine, but this time was about me.  I'm bummed to even type this, but it's one thing I've known for awhile...emotionally I can't depend on her---I'll say at least up until now-I don't want to put finality to it, and at least keep it open. I haven't tried in the past, my mom was always there, and my good friends. 

Bed rest sucks. My hips hurt terribly from laying on them for 2 days. My back is very sore. Also, I take for granted just jumping off couch, running around wherever I want to go. When I couldn't it wasn't pleasant. Bed rest sounds grand until you actually have to do it.

Wow, after reading through it hasn't been very rosy, has it!  I supposed I need to get used to it. Things will be up and down and I gotta roll w/ it.  Assume when I get back to being active and eating better, I'll feel better too.

Transfer

Well kids...it's done.  I have officially completed my transfer.   My friend this morning dropped me off around 8:30am, procedure at 10. At 9:30 I had to start drinking lots of fluid because they want your bladder full. Then I was also instructed to take the valium around 9:30 too.  I didn't think it was doing much at first, until I looked up and I was definitely not all with it. It also made me sleepy. 
Getting there early I had plenty of time to just think, and I was feeling nervous--but not so strong that I felt like running from the office. Wondering how many embryos he wants to transfer, what grade they were, etc..and saying there's no turnin' back now once transfer done.

They called me back and I got to change into this amazing gown and hairnet/booties...

Then I went back to the surgical suite. I laid there for awhile and there was a couple next to me in the other bed.  Not sure what procedure they were doing....believe me, I was listening hard!  Then the Doctor came in and explained what we had to work with.

Of the six that fertilized there two stronger ones at 8cellgradeB (not A due to some fragmentation), 7 cellgradeB (not A due to fragmentation), and a smaller one at 6cellgradeA.  Below is a picture. The Dr. recommended that we transfer all 3 based on their size and grades.  He said the chance of a single 75%, twins 25%, triplets 1%.  Those odds sounded okay to me, so I agreed. But, don't think I wasn't wondering oh boy, could I be that 1%.Yikes.

Upper left the 8B, upper right the 7B, bottom the 6A

The procedure itself was pretty quick. They showed my name on a screen for me to verify. Then the Dr. used an ultrasound guide to see the catheter and place the embryos where he needed. I saw it all on the screen. There was this white dot in my uterus when he was done that he said were the embryos.

Went back to the bed and laid there for another 30 minutes. My other friend picked me up....for a treat I had McDonalds for lunch and a donut for dessert, and we came back to my apartment for bedrest.  I laid on the sofa for several hours. Then before my sister gets here I wanted to at least have her presents wrapped. I didn't get the energy or desire to get a real christmas tree, so I made one. Cheesy, I know (you can totally see the tape on the star), but at least the thought and spirit were there for my sister!  I also bought a spicy cinnamon candle so she wouldn't feel totally jipped. Because I am on bed rest Dr. told me I couldn't pick her up from the airport so she has to take a cab. She should be here in an hour or so.

Well, I am now in a two week wait. I have to go to the Dr.'s office for a progesterone check next week, then blood test on Jan 6th, I think.  Overall my abdomen is still sore and uncomfortable. I am getting pings of pain here and there, but they go away. Still the bloating and fullness. I don't feel like I am pregnant, or any different really...but the Dr. says it takes a few days for them to implant if they are going to.  He seems to be pretty positive, so I'll go w/ that.

Happy Holidays everyone and let's hope a baby or two sticks around!

And the winner is.....

3 Day Transfer.  My nurse called me today and said the embryologist thought is best to transfer at 3 days versus 5. I was a bit disappointed and asked the nurse if I should be, and of course she said no. I guess I just wanted some super-strong embryos to make it to Day 5, thinking my chances would be better...? I don't know if science supports that, but I'll be finding out. She kept saying I was on the cusp, meaning the number of eggs I had to work with was lower. Not terrible, just not like 10+.  I read about 3 and 5 day transfers on people's blogs, and even those that get more than 10 eggs sometimes only end up w/ a few viable after 5 days. I assume their theory is I could end up w/ zero on Day 5, so Day 3 better option.

Transfer tomorrow morning at 10am. They will look at all the embryos, grade them, and take the best looking 2 and possibly a fair 3. I am really nervous about that, so will see what the Dr. has to say.  I gambled on my sister coming tomorrow and lost that bet. She won't be getting in until 5pm. Good news is that while she won't be here for transfer, she will be here to take care of me on bedrest for 2 days.

Nurse also told me I needed a ride for tomorrow. News to me since there is no anesthesia. So, I called on two of my good friends, one to take me and one to pick me up. So happy they are supportive and in my life...especially during the holidays!

I'm excited, not yet nervous. The only thing I am nervous about is I still feel a lot of pressure and pain-ish in my ovaries. I'm worried they are fluid-filled or something that may impact the transfer tomorrow. So when I talked to the nurse she said that we should worry if I have shortness of breath, can't urinate, have a fever. None of the above, thank goodness.

Wish me luck tomorrow and hope that I have at least 2 embryos to transfer, they are good grades, and implant! Oh, and stick around to make a healthy baby!

Results

Well........the nurse told me today I have 6 embryos!!!  She said of 7 eggs retreived, 6 were viable...and they ALL fertilized. I can't believe it!  It was actually a bit emotional when I thought about it when she told me...these could end up being my children. My DNA is in those embryos. So amazing.
Now, I can't get too excited because while they may have fertilized, they may not develop properly and not become strong and/or viable.
The nurse told me that we are on the cusp of doing a 3 day instead of a 5 day transfer. She said they will decide tomorrow and I should call her by the afternoon. I am really hoping it is a 5 day because my sister will be here to take care of me for the 2 days of bedrest.

How I feel physically? I am going to say the Dr. was wrong. I actually feel much worse and hurt more today than I did yesterday.  My lower abdomen still feels extremely full and bloated. Whenever I walk, or my bladder is fuller, it presses on my ovaries and it really almost hurts. It is a pulling/pressure sensation. Now I see why they have you take the antibiotic before and after the retrieval...to hopefully ward off any infections.  Makes sense considering I had my ovaries poked w a needle at least 7 times.

I went to work today and couldn't wait to get home and lay on the couch. I just took two pain pills and hope they kick in soon. I ended up taking them yesterday and didn't think they did much...until today. I followed instructions yesterday and laid around. That's what I am going to do tonight....

Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.

Retrieval

They retrieved 7 eggs today! The nurse felt confident that we would have some to transfer and maybe even to freeze. Yippee.  The whole process was pretty smooth.  Made it to the office and they took me back without much of a wait, thankfully. My view from the bed.

Anesthesiologist came in....IV went smoothly. Then my Dr. came in and said things look good and we are ready to go. I walked to the back room, hopped up on table....they gave me meds....then out. I woke up back where I started hearing the beeps of this....

Next step is the nurse will call me tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. They said they wait four hours after retrieval to fertilize. Then they wait and see how many we get, how good they look...and then decide on what day to transfer. I am hopeful it is a 5 day transfer--due to having some really strong ones!

After the procedure I was nervous about making sure they had my vial and it was the right donor. Not sure why the paranoia set in, but I felt like I needed to ask about it.  So, the nurse confirmed w/ the lab, and the lab even brought over the vial w/ the numbers to show me.  Felt much better.
I also asked about my lining...don't know why I was so concerned about it, but I wanted to know how it looked. The nurse reassured me it was looking great. Didn't give me numbers, but as long as there doesn't seem to be any problems, I am ok.

Now I am just resting on the couch. My ovaries ache a bit and I am thinking of taking a pain pill. I will wait a few hours and see. Dr. said if I have pain, it will be worse today, then each day better.

I could be pregnant this week.

Here I go

It's 7:35 am and I am soon to be on my way for the egg retrieval. I am quite calm and feel ready for this. My ovaries sure are ready because last night as I was resting on the couch I got a few sharper pains. I was somewhat nervous, of course, but kept saying 'hang on'....for today!

Thanks for the supportive comments in real life and in blogland....it really helps.

I'm cooked

Went to the Dr. this morning and I am done!! My follicles are ripe (and big), about 8-9 of them. He was reading off measurements for them and some were over 20 X 20. He said they will trigger me tonight instead of tomorrow night, and I will have the retrieval on Tuesday, one day earlier. I guess I am still supposed to wait for the nurse to call me tonight to let me know what time to trigger shot. The coolest thing is that if they retrieve on Tues the 20th, the 5 day transfer would be Christmas day the 25th. Happy holidays to me! And, MY Dr. will be there for both of the procedures. Yay.

Since then I've been working on getting a ride on Tues because of the anesthesia. One of my good friends has to work who was going to take me, so I'll just figure it out. These are the times when doing this w/ someone else would be helpful since my last resort would be a cab.

My ovaries do kinda feel like golf balls.  I'm laying here on the couch now and they just feel swollen and are starting to twinge/hurt a bit. When they were doing the ultrasound and pushing on them, it really kinda hurt. Part of me wonders if they could explode or something? Or what if the follicles release eggs on their own and we don't catch them?  The other thing is I have had a very minor headache for a few days now. Hope that goes away soon too.

I went over to my house today and I am getting excited to get that started. It will be a long 3 month or so process, but will be awesome when it's done.

Lots going on!

So Full

That's exactly what I feel like right now. I have been eating non-stop for the last 4 days. There's been holiday treats and pies, cakes, galore. Heavy holiday food....and more desserts. My stomach is so stretched I can't believe it!  I weighed myself the other day and I have gained 4 pounds in last 3 weeks. I'm not even pregnant. It's like my mind's real hunger sensor has shut off, and I want to eat everything in site that's sugary, fatty, and salty.  I am feeling so full and bloated that even my 'fat' clothes are getting tight.
I've really got to turn this around.

Not to mention I feel like I have golf balls in my lower stomach...my ovaries have definitely responded to the medication and I can feel 'em.  I was at the Dr.s yesterday and I have 6 follicles on left and 3 on right. Not sure why the right one hasn't responded as well as the left, but we'll obviously take what we can. I have to go back tomorrow morning for fasting bloodwork, E2, LH/P4, and an ultrasound.  I'll know more then when I will likely have the trigger, and 2 days after that the retrieval, then 5 days hopefully the transfer. As of now, timing would make retrieval on Wednesday.

It was cool today--the woman who was helping me build my kitchen cabinet order was pregnant--we started talking and she is pregnant w/ twins (boy and girl), IVF. She had also done 2 iui's, is 37, and said she wanted to just go for it w/ IVF. Her husband is much older than her...not sure if the fertility issues were his or hers...but she also shared that so many people struggle w/ infertility but just don't talk about it.  It's hard to say whether I am infertile w/ only failing 2 iui's. I might feel more strongly if I fail the IVF, but I'm not going to let that in my mind.  She told me she also had around 8-9 eggs, 4 fertilized, 2 were really strong that they transferred and they have one frozen.  I am expecting probably something similar for myself. I hope to at least have one or two to transfer back....

Next week is the big week. I'll be glad to get the pressure out of my ovaries....have some eggs that fertilize....have some 5 days blasts to transfer....get pregnant w/ a healthy baby...oh, and stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby while mama stays healthy (and doesn't gain a ridiculous amount of weight).

Growth

I knew I was feeling something for a reason. I have 5 follicles growing on my left and 3 growing on my right...as of right now.  Some are measuring over 10, which all is very good (according to the nurse). My lining is at 7, which is better than what it was when I was doing the IUI last time at the very end....and it still has time to get thicker. YIPPEE-KAY YAY! The Dr. still wants me to keep the same doses for medicine for the lupron (5mg), follistim (150), and menopur (75).

The worst side effect is just feeling so bloated--all over. You know how when your pants don't fit, etc.. and you just feel uncomfortable even sitting? That's me. I know it's going to get a little worse before it hopefully lets up. The nurse did say that she thinks they will trigger me a few days later than expected, so I had to order more medication tonight. I am going to say this again....thank you universe for my insurance. The one medication refill--my portion 16$, insurance portion over $1,000. X2 for the second medication. UNREAL.

The other thing is, if I weren't in the middle of an IVF cycle, I would totally switch Dr.'s office. My appointment was this morning at 7:40am. I got there late (no surprise), but to find the doors still locked. 8:00, then 8:05, then 8:10....what the heck. So I stood there and knocked on the door.  Apparently there was some traffic accidents that backed things up so the front desk lady (who I really don't care for) was really late. So, ummm...why don't you have a back up if that happens? You are a professional office. I wouldn't be so irritated w/ the exception this IS NOT the first time this has happened and I've been there when others are stuck knocking on the door in the am too. That time I just stayed in my car.
Really just so unimpressed, it's ridiculous.  The other thing---they are getting paid some fat sums of money by patients and insurance companies. Figure out how to run your office, have a genuinely friendly receptionist, get people in and out on time, and bill people correctly. SHEESH.

Done ranting. Well, no I'm not...I can tell you if this IVF doesn't work...I'll take whatever embabies I have and go to another Dr. office. For sure.  Interestingly enough, today in my email I got a 'survey' of how the office is doing. Coincidence? Doubt it. I'll give it to em if that's what they want to hear.

I'm off to eating something now. My stress level is up, I can feel it....so I am hungry.

Things r a happenin

I think the injection medicine is "kicking" in just about now. Yesterday I started to feel my ovaries again, and today I really feel my ovaries. They feel 'twingey', and are starting to feel 'fuller'. I can only assume I have lots of eggs growing--yippee. I am also feeling bloated again. Just all over full.
The nurse yesterday said my blood levels are normal (E2<500) and we haven't had to adjust my medication yet. They watch closely for the overstimulation, and I am now going every other day to get bloodwork. Back again tomorrow morning, also w ultrasound. Think they start checking follicle growth and lining growth.

So far, on schedule and responding as I am supposed to.

Something I am thankful for is that over the past week I have felt more at peace again about my decision for this journey. It all comes back to having done so much in my life already, that this just feels right for me. With or without a partner.  I also tend to think that many like minded women, w/ similar backgrounds end up in this situation....successful, independent, maybe had poor relationships w/ one parent or the other, not too sure about relationships, difficulty w/ trust in general. So we just say, to heck w/ it....we'll do this ourselves too. I can really relate to some SMC blogs about this. 

For me, I am not close to my Dad. He was emotionally absent growing up and I was so attached to my mom. She was an amazing mother, basically was both parents since my Dad was there, but wasn't there...you know?  My counselor always says you learn about relationships first by watching your parents, and I think my biggest lesson was "if you want it done right (or at all) you need to do it yourself." And I think I have relationship difficulties today stemming from it.  I read a book awhile ago about how a father's emotional absence can impact girls. I read through the list of 'what to look out for' and it described me and my behavior better than I could have. Couldn't believe it.  But then I ask the question, so what? What do I do about it? The past is just that.  However, it impacts me now because I am 36 years old (37 next month), still single.  I am sure my past has lead up to this, but my current behavior isn't correcting for it. I am not "out there", really trying to work it.  Very good topic for a new counselor, I'd say?

At least tonight I am happy I am on this path...I have the freedom to choose this and make it happen.

House and Injectables

I spent a few hours at my new potential house today.  I met my contractor over there and we went through the remodeling plan I put together. It is basically gut it and start over, keeping the brick shell. It may seem like a ridiculous thing to take on right when I am trying to become a SMC, but for some reason I am excited about it. I have all sorts of ideas about what I want, finishes, where some new walls and openings should go. Normally this stuff stresses me out, but for right now I am having fun w/ it.  Part of the plan is to gut and re-do the kitchen.  In order to get started w/ that I needed to get exact measurements of walls, windows, ceiling height, etc..  So, I measured the whole kitchen (multiple times since my obsessive personality wanted to make sure it was right) and I am confident I have the correct measurements. This is VERY important to make sure of before trying to layout and order new kitchen cabinets, appliances, etc...because once you place the order that's it, it better be right.  After I was done w/ all that I went over to a few stores to look at cabinets, appliances, sinks, moulding, doors, you name it. I will need all of it.
I really like my contractor guy, even though he talks a lot. He did work for me before and he is a bit younger...been doing this 8-10 years rather than like 20. He is a nice guy, does good work, but we will see on the bid...price clearly important. However, part of me thinks that unless it is totally unrealistic, I am going to sign w/ him anyway. 
If all goes well, I will be closing on the house December 16, next Friday. That is moved up a few days from what I was planing, but I'm fine w/ it....seller asked if we could since she is flying in from out of town.

I started my injectables for baby last night. The follistim actually kinda hurt, but the other one was fine. Even though it is 3 injections now, it really isn't that bad.  The one I am worried about is the progesterone in oil that is administered in rear. Needle a lot longer and most have said those will be bothersome. 
Thinking through the medications overall......I am going to knock on wood, but my mood, etc.. has been pretty stable throughout. I am so thankful, since that was my biggest worry about taking all of these meds. I don't know if I am lucky, or what....but it's been a pleasant surprise. 

Saturday Night Fun!

When I was over at the house I envisioned the room next to the master as the baby's room, the crib popped in my mind, along w/ the rocker, then the changing table next to the wall. Exciting.  Less scary these days than it has been over last month or so. Maybe I've pushed through that fear "wall" and can begin to get excited and look forward to it again.

I do feel better today than I have this past week. I think my sleep is getting back on track (which after talking w/ a friend I realized is my biggest derailer). When my sleep gets off, my whole body and mind follow.

Lots to come and look forward to.

Bleh

Well, I just placed my final order at the bank (hopefully). I called my Dr.'s office to make sure what kind of vials I needed and how many. She said the cheapest and only one.  Boy I hope they send me a super vial! Seriously this could be it and a baby comes from this. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow morning to start my labwork. If all goes well, I will start the other 2 injectables to start growing my eggs tomorrow night at 7pm. Yippee now 3 shots to the belly every night.

It's been a crappy several days. I have been at home for 3 days (today the third). It's a mixture of physical and mental.  I am finding a pattern that usually after I travel I have this 'down' period, but in addition to the thanksgiving travel I had the hysteroscopy last Friday. The anesthesia/sleeping made me feel crummy on top of it.  I kind of get this overall only wanting to sleep, not leave my apartment, not much energy, and have no desire to interact w/ people. Also, my uterus still feels like it is 'healing'...So I worked somewhat from home, slept a lot, and haven't left my apartment much.  I will shake out of it, I always do. Kinda bummed because I had been making pretty good strides w/ feeling pretty good, good energy, etc..but these 'blips' come every now and again. I probably could have forced myself to go to work, but I just couldn't muster it up.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will go to work.

Good Shopping Trip

It took me a little longer to feel better from the hysteroscopy. The anesthesia made me drowsy so I slept on and off Friday and Saturday. As a result...felt crummy yesterday so I finally forced myself to go to the gym, then the grocery store, then I cooked my weeks' worth of meals. Go me! 

It was a great shopping trip because when I was at the store I kind of had an AHA moment. I'll warn you, it is not a big one, nor is it novel....but I just looked around at all the different people with kids...older, younger, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc. and one thing kept popping in my head...."They are all doing this, why couldn't I? What do they have that I don't?" Because I couldn't come up with anything major, it just sort of made me feel a bit better and more calm about my thoughts. I could envision me, baby, and my sister walking around the store like all of these other people and somehow it just made it more normal.....and doable. I think I just got out of my head for a minute......and took a good look around.  People do it. Everywhere. For generations. I'm just a bit different in that I am throwing in the 'choice' aspect.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned to me that if I got pregnant w/ a boyfriend, he left, I'd certainly find a way to make it work.  And I really would.

All I can say is that I feel a little less anxious at the moment...and I am gonna take it.

Procedure

I had my hysteroscopy today.  Wasn't sure what to expect for this, but the only thing I did know was I would have a long wait at Dr.'s office.  My good friend dropped me off at 10:30am (didn't leave until around 1:30). I had the medication class I was supposed to have on Tuesday, then waited and waited. I got pretty nervous again in the waiting room. It's hard to explain if it's an anxiety, fear, or combo....my chest gets a little tighter, my thoughts spin faster, there's a tiny tiny 'unsettled' feeling, and I constantly ask myself if I should keep going, how bad do I want this? There are women who are at the point and will do anything to make this dream come true.  I'm struggling w/ the "anything" part....maybe because I feel like I fast forwarded my journey by jumping to IVF. This process is so much more involved and invasive than I had even considered. Perhaps I need to go back to counseling to help me work through some of this, because this fear, anxiety or whatever theme keeps cominging up whenever I go to the Dr.'s office, or out of town for that matter.  It's funny, I feel most confident when I am safe in my apartment and reading SMC weblogs.  About the counselor, that's another story because while I've like my counselor for past few years, I think I need more. It's daunting to think about looking for someone new and starting over again.

Back to procedure....
They finally took me back and they have a whole surgical suite back there. Had no idea. It was really like you were in the hospital w/ curtains, gurneys, IV's, the whole bit.  I got on my hair net, my booties, and the gown. Why a lot of us take pictures of our feet, I don't know...but I just had to. I am pretty tall so they hung off end of bed!

There were two beds back there separated by a curtain, and another woman in the next one. I heard the nurse say "talk to your embryos, it's important". She told the nurse she had the retrieval on this past Wednesday. I suspect it wasn't her first one since the nurse said "this time" fresh transfer. My mind kept wandering to, "What is that woman thinking, feeling right now....? What got her here, does she have support?"
I actually wanted to pull the curtain back and just offer her a good luck. That's not like me either, but I just had some heart for this woman.

Then the anesthesiologist came in. He was really funny and had a bit of a German accent, I think. He kept cracking jokes, and I actually laughed outloud....and I'm not one to think that many jokes are funny.  He tried to get IV started in my hand and couldn't. He was so upset. He said it was physically hard on me, but emotionally hard on him since he couldn't remember the last time he didn't get it on the first try. He was so nice that I honestly didn't care. It did hurt in my hand, though.
My Dr. talked w/ me a bit before the procedure and said everything should go just fine. I like the fact that he is so soft-spoken, calming. Then I walked from my gurney to the back surgical room. Got up on the table in the right spot and the medicine was injected....I felt a little spacey, then out. Next thing I know the nurse asked me to scootch to the gurney and they took me back in other room. It only took like 25 minutes.

I stayed in my bed for another 15 minutes or so, got up, dressed, and my friend was there to pick me up. I am so thankful for her being there and supporting me. It makes a big difference in my spirits :)

I got home and pretty much laid on the sofa or my bed the rest of today. Of course now I am not tired since it is 11pm and I slept all day. I hadn't planned to, but my head felt a bit 'fuzzy' and it just made me tired. I do have some cramping and bleeding (which is normal he said).  Because I slept on and off I totally forgot that I hadn't taken the Lupron at 7pm. Shame on me. So, I took it at 10:15pm. 

I feel kinda crummy now since I had the meds and slept a lot etc.. but I think tomorrow will be better.