1 Day pa.st Tra.nsfer

Well folks, transfer = check!  Overall the day yesterday went about as smoothly as it could have, I think. So after finally sorting out what I was going to do about childcare, I was able to breathe a big sigh of relief. I was certainly worried about trying to make sure all of that was sorted in a way that wouldn't create more stress for me.


The day started with me getting to sleep in (well still woke up at 6:00 something), but didn't have to get up to be anywhere early. I took my time packing my bag, a cooler to take some drinks and healthy foods like cucumber, nuts, fruit, yogurt, almond milk etc., and all of my extras like my whole bag of fertility medication and calendar. I took a shower and was finally ready around 11:00am. Before heading out I left each of my kids a personal note saying that I loved them and I would see them soon. I left my daughter's on her bed and my son's on his chair in his room. ( I found out today that they didn't find my son's boo hoo) . Anyway, I decided that I should stop by my hotel since it was on the way because I wanted to see what I could do with all of my stuff i.e. since we aren't supposed to lift anything over 10lbs after transfer.  I wasn't sure if they would let me check in early or at least leave my bags there, or something.  The girl at check in could not have been nicer, she looked me up in the system and actually offered me an upgraded room so I could check in early. I am at an embass.y sui.tes and it is new and super nice. I told her I was interested in quiet so she put in me in a corner room...well actually rooms, because it's a separate bedroom and living room. For some reason making sure my laptop was locked up was on my mind, so the fact that I could do that made me feel so much better. I brought everything up, set up shop, then headed over to my appointment.


I was a few minutes late after 11:30am, but I didn't worry too much because they are almost always behind. And yesterday was no exception. I sat in the reception area and tried to key into how I was feeling. And the best way I can describe was just....calm. I felt so at peace with what I was doing and where I was at with this process. I was a bit anxious/worried about what would happen when the embryos thawed, etc. but other than that I just felt good. The nurse's name is Alex (she's been there for all of my fertility processes and procedures) and she finally called me back.
She asked about my bladder and I told her I has been drinking quite a bit, so she said to just take the val.ium and stop drinking. As she took me in the changing room she said, "So we are transferring two?"....I said I think so and asked if she knew how the thaw went and what we had. She said we had two really good embryos!! At that moment excitement coursed through me like I haven't felt in a very long time. Like little kid going to a theme park excited. I was thinking that they had thawed two and I still had one they were holding.
Here I am at the changing room....

 

I couldn't help myself but to take some pictures. I put on gown, hairnet, booties, and made my way into the procedure gurney area. There are 3 beds in the there, however I was the only one. I asked Alex why it was so quiet and she said it wasn't like that in the morning and I was the first of the afternoon. She and I talked a bit and I shared with her that my girl was 6 and my son was 4 already. She couldn't believe it since she was around when they came to be! I also shared that I was back again because I just didn't feel like I could leave my embryos behind. Even though I know it will about to be crazy if all works as I am a single choice mom, I just felt like it was the right thing to do. She really identified with what I was saying. She actually shared with me that she's been a single mom since her daughter was 4 and she's 22 now. She also said that she has 4 kids, is a grandma already, and still has 3 of her own embryos frozen.  She said she can't bring her herself to do anything with them....so yeah, she really understood.

Since I had taken the val.ium I was very relaxed and felt fine waiting for everything to get started. Then, the embryologist came in and gave me a print out of the two embryos they will be transferring. She said they were B quality and the third one was less. I said wait a minute, they thawed all three? She said yes, Dr. told them to thaw all three and use the best two.  I guess I had misunderstood the nurse earlier as I didn't realize they had thawed all three.  It hit me that this was it.  This was the end of the journey no matter which way it was going to go. I asked about that third one and she said that the cells were a bit disorganized and leaving it in to transfer would not really help. I asked if they refreeze it? and she said no, it wasn't the right quality.  Basically, it was just the two of the three.  I can say that my heart sank a little bit.  For about 20 minutes I had the idea that if this transfer didn't work I would have one last chance....and then I learned that I don't.  It kind of upped the ante for me on this process.

She gave me the pieces of paper, one was the summary of what they thawed and that I have no remaining embryos in storage and the other was the picture of the two they were going to transfer.

After she left I looked more closely at the pictures and kissed each one of them. And teared up a bit.

In my mind I just said...."let's do this".

Dr. came in and asked how everything was going and how did my stomach issues pan out? I told him I got it checked out but they didn't find anything significant, so that was good. Then he asked if I had gotten the lov.enox blood thinner that I took all of my pregnancy both times due to the blood clot in my first pregnancy...I said yes, I had gotten that too. I didn't actually bring it to my hotel and I was thinking I wasn't going to start it until I got a positive pregnancy, but I will follow instructions and take it tomorrow.

Somewhere in all this another couple was back in the gurney area in the bed next to mine. We are only partitioned by a curtain so can hear a lot. However, they weren't talking much and it really was just nice to relax and wait for them to come get me.

It was finally go time and Alex came to get me and we walked into the other procedure room. I laid on the table, scooched myself down and tried to stay as relaxed as possible. The Dr. was trying to use one of the tools (a speculum maybe?) and he just couldn't get it to do what he wanted so they tried another one...and maybe even a third I'm not sure. Finally they got it. It was uncomfortable, for sure, but not painful.  Then Alex was using an ultrasound on top of my uterus so they could find the exact spot where they wanted to transfer. I was watching the ultrasound screen (not really sure what I was seeing) and she kept pressing in different areas. Pretty hard, I might add....but tolerable. They were trying to put the tube/catheter?in place and he was needing to work at that too. Apparently there was a curve that he was trying to follow around.  I could definitely them weaving around to where it was supposed to go.  In the meantime they put my name and my two embryos up on a big screen on the wall. They asked if that was my name, I said yes. Then I noticed one of the embryos looked a bit wonky and wonders of all wonder they said one of the embryos was hatching out of it's shell!! It was just so exciting to see and they all said that was very good.

Once everything was all in place Dr. said we are good, and I then saw on the screen a needle? suck up the two embryos and then they were handed to the Dr..  He put them in the specific spot they had marked on the ultrasound screen, and that was it.  Alex leaned over to show me a white line...which were my newly implanted embryos. Both of them said this was 'a good transfer'.

All of that took maybe 10 minutes total. That was it.  Once he was done I scooted over to another gurney and they wheeled me back to where I started. Alex told me to go ahead and lay there for about 20-30 minutes.  I was so relaxed I think I maybe feel asleep a time or two. And just like that she came back and said I was done. I said I hope I wasn't snoring!  She laughed and said after a certain age we all snore....and that I could get dressed and head out.  No lifting over 10 lbs, no working out, no caffeine....and blood test in two weeks.

Now that the transfer was done I decided I was hungry and drove to one of my favorite greek places right close the Dr.'s office. I was debating whether I should just go back to the hotel and rest some more like I did after my last transfer with my son OR would it be okay to sit up in there for a bit.  They told me I did not have strict bedrest and to go about my day as usual (following the rules of course), but for some reason my anxiety kicked in and I was like....what if me sitting here affects the implantation? What if because I didn't go straight back to hotel I somehow messed it up?  Your mind can do crazy things during this process and I finally just said relax, go eat.
Then I headed back to the hotel, took a nap,  and watched a lot of march madness basketball in my nice, relaxing hotel room. I ate a lot of the food I brought for dinner and just hung out.
I did check on the kids with nanny and ended up calling her daughter because I had forgotten to tell them to make sure they give my son his zy.rtec. If he doesn't get his dose at night, he ends up sneezing/coughing most of the night. It's been really bad for him this year. He just touches his eye with a bit of pollen and they almost swell shut. I talked to the kids a bit and it was just so great hearing their high-pitched voices over the phone.  I told both of them I loved them and would see them soon. My son was asking when I was coming back and where was I, etc.. The conversation was short, I guess her daughter decided they were done!
When nanny got home I was that paranoid mom and asked her to have her daughter show her what she gave my son for the medicine. I was worried she wouldn't do it right. But, it was fine.  Both kids were sleeping when nanny texted she got home.


In terms of symptoms, how I felt, etc...I would say I felt some twingy-ing, some pulling. Off and on from coming back to the Dr.'s office into the evening.


That was all yesterday and now today....I woke up early again! around 7 something. As I laid here I wanted to tune into how I was physically feeling.  Interestingly enough, I felt absolutely nothing. Like I felt no twingy-ness, no pulling.....everything was just quiet in my body.
Of course the worry set in and I started goo.gling symptoms after f.e.t, no symptoms, etc. and there's just too much mixed info out there. The one thing most things say is don't over analyze. It's one thing to say, another to do. I even looked at what happened last time around and it seemed I did have some feelings the first few days after transfer, but also wasn't sure even then if all was ok. And we know that did turn out. I'm just going to have to relax and hope.


I took a shower early and headed downstairs to the continental breakfast which was probably the best one I've ever been to that was included in the room rate. I actually even booked this hotel with points I earned from all the work travel I had done to Colorado, etc..so it didn't cost me anything except breakfast tip!A full buffet, plus made to order omelets etc. Really pretty good.
Then I came back up to my room by 9:00-ish and thought to myself....what I am I going to do all day?  It's been maybe over a year since I've stayed the night away from the kids and had a whole day to myself.  I seriously wonder what I did with all my time before kids.  Like having all day to do as little or as much as I wanted? I was so mixed about it like, wow, how glorious, and the other piece of me was like what time is it, can I make the soccer game?
It was a good reminder of how all consuming being a parent is.....like you are constantly checking the time to see if it's snack time, lunch time, rest time, play time, etc..and wondering have they gone potty lately, are they arguing again, what should we plan today, etc....when you are in the throws of it, it kind of is just normal everyday, and it isn't until you are removed that it's like wow.....parenting is such a big responsibility and all consuming....especially when you go it on your own.
I did want to go to that soccer game and surprise them.....but I did not. I ended up surfing the net and taking a 3 hour nap!  Then I talked on the phone to a few folks and started watching march madness again.....then ordered some pizza, and here I sit sharing this story.


I'd say I am still a bit nervous about the lack of much symptoms--like oh crap, did this not work?, but I'm trying not to dwell and remain calm and positive.  I do miss my littles even though I've only been gone one day.  Hearing their voices today just made me want to tear up.  What can I say.....I love 'em.

T minus one

As it turns out, I can’t really be upset with my sister. This past Monday she was feeling pretty crummy and slept most of the day. Then on Tuesday morning she went to go pick up her cat at the vet where she passed out and they called an ambulance. The ambulance took her to the hospital where she was admitted and was there until today. She ended up having pancreatitis which also affected her one good kidney. The dr doesn’t know why. Also, she didn’t take her phone with her to the vet, hence did not have it for days. She couldn’t call long distance from her room.
How I found all this out is I got a call late Tuesday night from the hospital (which I didn’t even see until Wednesday morning because I had been getting telemarketing calls all day so didn’t even look). When I got the voicemail I also saw a text from her friend that my sister had called her late Tuesday night also and she was at the hospital.when I finally spoke to her she was on some meds that it was hard to fully understand her.
Crazy. And super stressful. Thank goodness she had her friend help at her house and go get her cat/feed the cats, and finally bring her phone so we could communicate faster.
She ended up calling my dad to take her home today. Which is another story because he was asking her why I don’t call or stay connected. Umm gee...because we don’t really have much of a relationship and I’m not that interested in talking often.

Needless to say when I found out she was in the hospital I obviously needed to go to plan B for coordinating what I was going to do for the transfer. I ended up spilling it all to nanny and basically saying I’m desperate and need help. When I told her I was going in to do a transfer it was really sweet she started crying (happy tears) and said she was so excited. She got a little too excited and was like, you need bunk beds, we need bigger cars! I said woah , slow down, hold up. One step at a time. I tried to explain that it may not work, there are several hurdles, etc. I think unless you go through the process yourself it’s not something you really ‘get’ fully about being so cautiously optimistic.

So, basically she is going to come here and stay through Sunday 1pm and I’m going to a hotel after the transfer tomorrow. I really just wanted to disconnect and try to relax/be calm as much as possible. I did this for my son’s transfer but that was more out of necessity because we didn’t live here when I did that one. However, I just remember liking the peacefulness and no responsibility except positive energy to the process. The only thing I’m a bit worried is that her 16 year old daughter is going to watch the kids from 6-10 on Friday when nanny does her other job. Her daughter has never babysat before believe it or not. I’m sure it will be fine but I know all the trouble her mom has had with her over the last year and it’s been some crazy. I’ll just have to trust that since it’s only a few hours it will be ok.

I’m excited, still a bit homonal. I had my monitoring appointment today and lining still close to 13, estrogen was good, prog a bit low at 20 so I get to put more of that on the list.
I’m going to get my bag and some food ready in the morning and head over there for the transfer, then scoot in over to hotel.
That’s the plan.
Fingers crossed.
I’m not quite sure how the thawing will go, but at this point, they will be thawed tomorrow and we’ll see what we have to work with. I’m feeling pretty good right now, thankfully, mostly since it’s all been in preparation for tomorrow. It’s here and I’m ready.  All the meds, shots, planning, monitoring. Its a commitment, but no regrets.

My poor son, tonight. After shower when we were talking about this weekend and he realized I wasn’t going to be here on Saturday (our special day) and for soccer he burst into tears and  crawled in my lap. I hugged/rocked/kissed him and asked if he was feeling sad and he shook his little head yes. Poor kid. I did my best to distract him with what he wanted for snack and his sister was making funny faces to get him to laugh—she also brought him his stuffy Cutie and even gave him her own stuffy Bear. It was so sweet. And Of course I don’t want to see my children be so upset, but it allowed me to see how deeply he cares for his mama. It touched my heart.

I hope I can get at least some sleep tonight.

Trying to stay calm

So the key word is ‘try’ and I’m not doing a very good job. Frankly, I’m fed up with my sister. I have been calling her for 3 days now and I've left multiple voicemails and texts saying call me. When I tried today the phone just goes straight  to voicemail now. I've called multiple times today too and all to voicemail. What. The. F.
I’m beyond mad for several reasons but the biggest is—-it can’t be about her right now! I’m very stressed this week not to mention the crap ton of hormones I’m pumping into myself. Not having her reach back out is raising my stress level substantially. Is something wrong? Is she feeling sick? Migraines? Unless something major is going on there is not a good enough excuse she can come up with not to text me back which takes a few seconds. This has long been a pattern of behavior with her but I just didn’t need it to rear it’s head now of all times.
There is a piece of me that is a bit worried so I did reach out to the one friend she has via text to ask if she has heard from her and she said no. She said she texted my sister earlier this week to see if she wanted to have lunch and she hasn't heard back. I told her I haven't heard from her for days again (Ive had to reach out to this friend before) and I told her that if I don't hear from her by tomorrow, she will need to go find her. She agreed and said she'd help however she could.
Sunflower, thanks for your comment on my last post. Sister relationships can be beyond sometimes.


So, I feel like I’m scrambling to try and get physical help. I have no idea where she is or what she’s planning on doing so I need a backup plan. Old nanny has her daughter's prom. I know she wants to come but I told her I don't want her to. I will not be the person that takes someone’s mother away for such a special event. I called my other friend in the same city old nanny is as we’ve recently reconnected and it’s kind of short notice for her. She works and is divorced with two teenagers. It’s more the work thing. I did ask her if she could come thurs-sun and she said she’s got several appts on Thursday and she said it wouldn’t work. Then, I asked what about Friday to sun and she said probably not.I think it’s just too much for her. I understand but am disappointed.
My last call was to my old grad school friend that I’ve stayed in touch with all these years. She ironically lives in same city as old nanny. We’ve got a pretty good friendship. The thing is, she just started a new job and they’ve got one of her first company events on Saturday that she really should be at. She told me of course if I couldn’t line anything else up she would see what she could do.
I didn’t want to ask our current nanny because I just didn’t want her knowing about this. I did break down today and asked if she works her other job on Friday which of course she does and she’s got appointments on Saturday.


I feel disappointed, frazzled, pissed off, and anxious.  Just the feelings I should have before a transfer, right?  So, I've been feeding my emotions again and have had Mexican several days in a row now, today included. I'm on the M&M diet. Mcd and Mexican--and diet coke. It isn't solving the issue, caffeine isn't the best for me,  however it is how I'm managing right now. Working through changing this behavior is for another day. In addition to all this, big change coming on the work front. I'm not focusing on that at the very moment and I'll write more about that soon.


Lots on my plate right now.  In addition to all that, the contractor is making a push to get as much done this week at construction house i.e. lighting installed (the guy doing it was from the beginning and we've both had to chase him to show up. It takes a lot of time to coordinate and then re-coordinate when they are no shows....it's getting so old), some appliances delivered (which I've had to coordinate), getting the beam color right, staining the floor, adding shutters, installing plumbing fixtures, etc.. There's a lot to do. The one thing the designer hasn't done well with is the front door. He wanted to order it, but they said 3 weeks and he thought he could get it faster. Well....2 weeks later we still don't have an order in anywhere else and if he would have just done it, we'd be close to having it by now. Also trying to sort out back door--I've been chasing the company for a month to get us a new backdoor that they delivered wrong (been working with the sales guy who could care less about getting it right). Just got a call this am that supposedly they will deliver this Friday.  We need a countertop for the master bath still, some of the kitchen hardware still hasn't arrived and a broken fixture is still enroute at lightning company.....it's a lot of little things, but it's a lot when you add it up.  I will be SO relieved when I get this house to a place where I can list it for rent. Then, the market will dictate whether I rent it, or if I end up selling. Again, what a beast of a project.


All I can think to do is just breathe and focus.....try to stay as calm as I can and get a new plan in place if I don't hear from my sister in the next 24 hours. I'm fighting the urge to shout, curse, and just be downright super angry....clearly that won't be helpful right now. My instinct is to just cancel with my sister and get another plan in place because I will be so frustrated with how things have gone, and I really don't want that energy around me. Will just see what I can come up with.

T minus Days

It’s getting closer and closer. The transfer is scheduled next week! I had my monitoring appointment on Friday and it went really well. My uterus looked good, no fluid/cysts, etc and my lining still at 13mm. Dr said that if there were going to be issues that would come up to make us push out the date they typically show up in this last appointment. Since it was good, we will do one more monitoring appointment the day before transfer.
My medication is about to change tomorrow. I stop the dexameth.asone and patches, but add in the lovely progesterone in oil shots and doxy.cycline. I also have to add an extra estr.ace at night. For some reason they gave specific instruction to do the prog at 10:00am everyday so I’ll do my best to stick to that. I just pulled out those needles and they sure are long.
I’m ready to let the dex go because I think it has increased my appetite over last week by a lot. Of course it could also be due to stress, in either case it’s noticeable. Lots of carbs.
I was able to follow up with GI PA and thankfully nothing crazy showed up. She said the scan would have showed a clot issue. They had another test I could do if pain continued but I have to say over the last 2-3 dats it has gotten better. I am really thinking it was all kicked off by the medicine and its side effects. It just seems strange that the dr didn’t think they were related. Not sure but I’m overly cautious with anything out of the norm and was perfectly fine checking things out...so glad I did.

I ended up calling my sister last week and telling her I need her to come. She said she would do it if I needed her and didn’t really push back at all. I did tell her that I needed her to come with positive energy only and could she do that?? She said yes, so I can only hope she sticks to her word. I’m also hopeful that physically she can manage because she can’t just go nap for 3 hours if she has a headache. The good news is that the kids are really getting to be self-sufficient, know what needs to get done, and really just need supervised outside, etc. I’d like her to be responsible for meals but will see. I clarified with the Dr that while it is not strict bedrest (except maybe day of) they do want you to have limited moving around for about 3 days.
I just had a thought about when I had the fresh transfer that resulted in my daughter. She had come down right after and was supposed to ‘take care’ of me. And well, that wasn’t fun. I remember asking her to get me a few things and she snapped ‘no’ just sighed a lot. Pretty unhelpful and not supportive. This is the hard part about sisters and my relationship with her. It’s been so up down and sideways over the years I just won’t know until it happens.
I was discouraged recently because when I was trying to get ahold of her to get this coordinated I was just feeling a lot of stress. I called her multiple times and texted and she would not call back. It just made me feel like once again, here we go. When I actually need her she falls apart. Consistently. I actually researched online sisters not being there for you and what to do. I talked to a good friend of mine and she brought me back down and said I need to limit my expectations of her. She just hasn’t been able to provide the emotional support that I need. Incapable? Doesn’t know how? Not sure. But, that’s why it remains complicated for me because I still hope it will change.
I did at least tell her that her not responding made me feel like she wasn’t there for me and she just said she would try. I don’t know.....more than I can process through right now.
I just need her to come, physically take care of the kids, and be positive. If it starts to go south I’ll need to tell her she has to go to a hotel or home early. For real.

My focus is to stay positive (which I am) and just focus on what I can do to prepare. Interestingly I have not wanted to research anything about embryo quality, fet processes, etc. I just don’t want to fill my brain with things that won’t be helpful. So I’ve decided it’s best not to read about any of it. I started to look a few times and it just spiked up my anxiety so nope done. A bit of a departure from what I would normally do but I think it’s just my way to do self-care.

Something else kind of exciting is that my coworker told me she’s wondering if she’s pregnant. She is married, has a 2 year old, just turned 40. She talked about having a miscarriage last January and they’ve been trying again for about 6 months. I’ve never been pregnant at the same time as anyone else who I would really ‘talk’ to so I’m going to cross fingers for both of us.

Bump

It just wouldn’t be a fertility process without some bumps now would it? I mentioned since last Thursday I had not been feeling well....just really extra bloated, headache, abdominal fullness/pressure bordering pain. I sent the email to coordinator and she said just see how it all is on Monday, yesterday. So, I headed into my monitoring appointment to do bloodwork, ultrasound, and they said to see the Dr also to discuss.
Great news my lining was 12mm already. Nurse said they like to see it 12-18 close to transfer so woo-hoo. I said in the appointment ,’wow, that sounds good....?’ and she wouldn’t acknowledge or confirm. Maybe they aren’t supposed to? But a ‘hey looking on track’ or something would have been nice. Validation, yes that’s what I was looking for. It was weird. But this nurse is also the coordinator that hasn’t been on top of things, so perhaps I shouldn’t expect warmth and encouragement.
Due to my labs looking good I got to stop the lup last night-yeah! And have my next folllowup on Friday. I asked to move it from Saturday to Friday since the kids start the next soccer season and I couldn’t be at two places at once.
After the labs, then ultrasound, I waited to see the dr. Took him about an hour which is usual in their offices, and described the abdominal discomfort that was mostly in upper abdomen that was still there since Thursday. Also showed him where and told him about when it started. He basically said it was very odd and just wasn’t sure. So, rather than just hope it was nothing he suggested I see a GI doc to have a look. He gave me a recommendation but I actually have a practice I’m established at so was able to make an appointment with the physicians assistant this am.

Today was a busy day of running around—I went to GI appt at 10:30 am and I really liked the PA. She had to have been in her 70’s, was so warm and seemed genuinely interested in the fertility process I was going through and thinking through my symptoms. Ultimately she wasn’t sure either so actually had the physician come in. He poked around and in one spot above my belly button oooh that hurt. He decided it was best to get some lab work and a ct scan of abdomen. The pain/discomfort could be due to a variety of things but when he mentioned maybe blood clot I probably lost some color to my face. I told him I actually had one at start of my pregnancy back in 2012 but it was in my leg. After that conversation he decided I would get the scan today.
That appointment was then scheduled for 330 today and by now it was around noon—couldn’t eat or drink anyway so i quickly got the blood labs drawn, then I ran over to construction house because designer and electrician were supposed to meet at one pm  to go over everything. I figured it was best for me to just go in case I needed to decide anything else and also just see how things going. Im glad I did because we decided on where/how a few fixtures needed to be hung and there were a few hiccups with counter fabricator, designer, and Jacob not on same page.  A few F bombs later they had it sorted. A bit stressful.
Then....ran all the way back out here to the scan— of which they needed to do with contrast so I had to drink a jug of ‘lemonade’ after not eating it drinking since early morning and get an IV.
The whole thing start to finish was about an hour and a half. By the end of all that I was tired, light headed, feeling yucky, bloated, uncomfortable, and still in some abdominal pain-ish. All my brain could think to do was eat Mexican. Go figure. So I did.
And of course I  felt worse, ugh.


After all that.....the good news is that the PA called a bit after five to say my blood labs looked good and the scan overall was good, however it did show an umbilical hernia. She’s not sure about next steps as she wants to review with Dr.  She’s  also going to check with him about whether the test would rule out any clot issue (I would think so?) and will let me know tomorrow.
I still don’t know if what I’m feeling is due to a hernia or if they just happened to find it due to the scan. In any case it’s weird and worrisome and not at all like any symptoms I’ve had before during the transfer process or otherwise, actually. Guess I’ll know a bit more tomorrow.
Today’s events happened pretty fast so thankfully I didn’t have to stew and worry even a day before getting some initial results. However, because I’m still not feeling great and I’m not sure what they will come up with, I’ll have to just breathe, relax, and be patient. I’ll for sure need to connect with my transfer dr and update on the testing as well.

Never a dull moment these days.
I can only keep thinking  positively for what’s next.

Ball-O-Ted

Things had been moving along with the transfer medication pretty well when it was the lup and just Estr.ace but now that the E is 3x a day and I have an estrogen patch it has made me feel pretty uncomfortable. I feel like my abdomen has expanded like there is air in there. It’s just this overly full feeling that I just can’t shake. I’m also having a lot of hot flushes and headache. I think the gastrointestinal upset is by far the hardest to manage.
On Thursday night I emailed the coordinator and ccd the coordinator dr. to say I was pretty uncomfortable and this may be normal (certainly don’t remember it this way) but described my symptoms and do we perhaps need a check in prior to my monitoring appointment already scheduled for Monday and could they call me soonest.
I wanted to see how long it took them to reach out to me. Tick tock. Wasn’t until friday at 430 did they leave a message and say hmmm, odd, maybe viral since medicine shouldn’t be causing those symptoms. Basically hang in there see you Monday.
I was disappointed to say the least. One, the follow up time was pretty slow and two, I read the side effects of the patch that night and my symptoms couldbe due to those: headache, nausea, bloating, etc. So, ummm, why wouldn’t they know this?
I can say I am pretty underwhelmed with his staff this go round. From getting the hscope scheduled in the time frame it was supposed to be (he had to intervene to get it in the preferred window). Then  the confusion on when to start medication and monitoring (dr said start right with Lup start)  to the ‘format emails’ that tell me to keep taking my prenatals ( which no one had asked me to start) and start the cleanse (which the instructions specifically say not to do while taking injections for ivf). Honestly it’s a good thing I’m smart enough to thoroughly read through and ask questions because if I blindly followed their lead I’m not sure I’d be on track.
I think it could be a few things but honestly I’m not sure they are thinking. It feels like they are processing. I think I was lucky before because there was a staff member named Mira and she knew me, so it felt a bit more personal. That, and she was so on top of everything for her ‘stuff’ and kind of kept an eye on things. I saw her at the office not long ago I think she had been on an absence/leave for a long while...but haven’t seen her since.
In general there have been bumps with all of my processes, but it just feels frustrating to say the least.
Also, more hormones equals a much shorter threshold for frustration.

Two more weeks of this I think. Will see what they say on Monday. I’m  trying to figure out my plan for transfer since they said you need to take it easy for 3 days—I only have that info because I proactively asked them what I need to plan for. Three days easy with a 4 and 6 year old doesn’t happen. Old nanny just told me her daughter has prom that weekend. I’ve been tying to ask my sister to come down and hadn’t heard from her—again. Just talked to her today and she was sobbing because last night to this morning her basement flooded from the pump not able to keep up with melting snow. And she had a lot of stuff down there. She only has one real friend there so at least her and her boys were going to my sisters to help. I tried calling back twice today and no answer. I feel bad for her. I told her not to listen to the earlier voicemail where I got frustrated she wasn’t calling me back. Oops.

Spring break has honestly been pretty good other than not feeling that great. We’ve been busy with biking, parks, driveway frisbee and basketball, watching a ton of basketball, cooking good meals (mama made pork chops tonight), doing lots of laundry and dishes, going to a few grocery stores, getting my daughter a lamp—she’s been asking to have one for a long time....what else? What I do know is that I feel physically tired and accomplished at end of these days. I don’t miss work.

Spring Break

Spring Break is here and I’m excited. Nanny normally takes off the whole week but I asked her this year to break it up a bit since I’m not sure what my plan is yet for work/break/small leave, etc. so she worked this mon and Tuesday and is off wed-sat.
I haven’t planned anything major except since I am off work I really just want to unplug. I think I generally do a pretty good job of it. When I come home (or lately just out of my bedroom since I've been working from home) at 5:30 it's computer off, phone down for the next at least 3 hours so I am solely focused on the kids. The only time I even check the phone is if it's ringing. Then after the littles are sound asleep I may surf the net or watch shows, then bed. On the weekend, sometimes I just leave my phone home so it's not even a distraction....I have to admit though, having map directions at your fingertips is really helpful. But, I think it's good for the mind to just unplug. As I sit here and type on my laptop at bedtime. Think I need some more practice.


Total tangent because I was writing about spring break. I think we will just try and plan the days as they come....we already talked about swimming, library, bike riding, getting my son a haircut, maybe some shopping--to which my son said no way. I have to get geared up to be responsible for all the meals which I've mentioned is probably my least favorite domestic task. Mostly because I think I'm somewhat intimidated by it all....I have no practice cooking real meals or baking, etc.. I've lived off of eating out for lunch and eating left overs from what my nanny cooks for years now. Unfortunately not the most healthy approach. In any case, I'm looking forward to having some time just dedicated to us.  I'm hopeful that we stay busy enough that they don't have time to argue--which has grown in frequency and volume lately.


Something I've learned about the time I'm completely off work and can be "just a mom" I really really enjoy how I feel at the end of the day.  I feel like I'm well.....alive in a way. I'm not stuck behind a laptop all day, Im actually talking to people instead of instant messaging and writing email, I'm moving around all day with our activities....and by the end of the day I am physically tired. And it feels really good. Like aaaaahhh.....feels good to just sit and be. It reminds me of what my neighbor who is a lot older says....motion is lotion for the joints. And it's true....


Ive been considering again taking the leap of being a stay at home mom. However, I think what worries me the most is feeling lonely. I don't have that 'tribe' you always read about and I'm somewhat introverted. The other thing is not having another adult around that I know will come everyday to provide support. I've stewed about all of this for the last few years, really.....I think sometimes you just have to leap and try. Not sure I'm ready yet but I'm feeling closer to it. I think my plan is to work for next few months, look around at other opportunities and see if anything sounds great.  Of course, the big 'what if' is whether this baby plan works or doesn't.  I somewhat think that if it does work, I will want to work for the next few more years, I'm not sure.
It seems a bit overwhelming and daunting, though, thinking about doing something different than being a career woman--which I've done over the last 17 years. It takes mucho guts, cahones, and belief in yourself to be all in to do something completely different. And, being okay with fear and just doing it anyway. That is something I have done in the past and my calculated risks have seemed to turn out allright;) I have two awesome kids as a result.


Im also thinking again about where I want to raise kids......this one I just don't have an answer for. I like where we live, however, it is a massive city and not what I imagined for raising a family. I think about the Midwest, then stop thinking, then try it on again, then look at real estate, etc..and I think I have to just see. I remember telling myself several months ago when spinning all this around that I shouldn't change too much at one time. I still think that's the case and the smartest approach.  I don't like the fact that things feel 'up in the air', but they certainly are....with a baby plan, a new work plan, maybe a life change plan of leaving corporate America, a maybe move plan......you know with both pregnancies I moved while pregnant. I don't recommend it, but who knows....maybe third times a charm and Ill do it again.


I have to say, there's something exciting about what could be?? I think I've moved houses/apartments every 3-4 years for my whole career....sometimes more than that.  I actually like the idea of changing things up and trying the new.  Of course, I do want to put down roots for my family, but until I know where my heart leads on that.....maybe we just need to try some more?  Why not move to the Midwest and try it? It's not a one way ticket and we can always come back here.
I'm also thinking about leaving my current company and that feels like a big weight being lifted off of me. I almost left a year and a half ago because my gut was having trouble accepting that I was going to take the new job in a different part of the company.  And I have to say, in hindsight, it was not a great experience. The woman I worked for was not great, the environment wasn't great, the work was not great, the culture was not great.....I firmly believe intuition is there for a reason. I've known that for awhile, so to actually think about stepping away from that...should I stay or should I go....just sounds....freeing. Like I can just shake that off.....leave it behind.....and be just.....yes, free.
A fresh start to something else.....only time will tell. I think all will be sorted in the next 3 months or so.


Also, what else should be done is construction house!! We are in the last stretches of finishing this beast.  And what a beast it's been.  I started it June of last year and will probably have it up to rent in April. 10 months. And don't even ask about budget and all the money I've had to pay for carrying costs. What I am sincerely thankful for, though, is I could still sell it tomorrow and break even. Not what I had in mind, that's for sure, but many lessons learned.  One of those has to do w/ the cabinet guy.  I've never really worked with someone who was so condescending on a regular basis. I really don't know if it had to do with me being a woman, or changing my mind often, or what....but this guy was a real assh*&le. Every time I spoke to him he would sigh, get really tight in his voice, tell me I need to realize he's got other jobs, kept saying ' that's not what we agreed to'....even if it was. He also tried to get me to pay him in full even when he wasn't finished (umm, gimme a break).  Just a whole load of crap.  I even had to pay my contractor $1500 to fix his shitty cabinets on top of what I paid him. Anyway, rather than just 'let it go' or get into a verbal confrontation with him, I sent him this text after I was ready for his last check..."Check at house mailbox. I should have deducted for what I had to pay Jacob to fix or finish how it should have been done. But, I'd rather just cut my losses. A bit of advice--I sure hope you don't interact with others the same way I've seen over the last many months. Changes get made, things aren't always linear. But, how you react, treat, and speak to people can go a long way when working through issues. Suggest thinking through that going forward".
Take that.


Well, I'm off to go take some more shots and medicine. It ramps up tomorrow too by adding patches. I currently take est.race 2 X a day, dexa.methasone, baby aspirin, and lup.ron.  Tomorrow is the patches and adding a 3rd est.race a day.  I have noticed since adding in the est.race I am a bit more irritable with a shorter fuse. I'm a little quicker to get frustrated w/ kids so I need to really work on that over the next several days. I need to give myself a time out maybe!
What's kind of exciting is a have a transfer date. End of March.  Woah Nellie.

Waffles

It’s been an interesting week or so. I’ll admit that one day I said to myself this is too much I need to just wait or maybe stop. I’m not sure what brought it on other than going to soccer and watching a mom chase after a toddler the entire time we were there. I remember how exhausting that was. But I also had a newborn and a toddler. That was crazy time for me. So hard. I’d like to think if I progress this and all works out maybe this one would be the ‘laidback, sleeps through whole night at 6 weeks old, no colic, happiest baby on the block baby. Hah.
I think after feeling so sure it’s been tough to sort through the times when I’m thinking what the heck. The thing I keep coming back to is I feel like if I don’t try I will wonder about what ‘might’ve been’ the rest of my life and I just don’t want that.
So....I’m pushing forward. I’ve taken many nightly lupron shots now and other than hoping to not forget and them stinging a bit, they’ve been no problem. Yesterday I had my baseline ultrasound and she said everything looks really good. I also had lab work with measuring my E2 and progesterone, which measured a bit high, so they want me to just continue Lupron until the number drops much less than 100. I looked at the test result and mine was high 90’s. They also did a few cultures to make sure  I don’t have any active infections. I’m actually already taking an antibiotic because Friday I was able to talk to the DR and tell him how not well I’d been feeling since the hscope. Just achy, mild feverish, generally feeling unwell. He wasn’t sure but if something going on in uterus or Uti he wanted to treat.
Today I’m feeling okay, I’d say. Busy weekend as old nanny was in town.
Something kind of odd is that when I had the baseline appointment I kind of wanted to do it just by myself. Not sure why, like for some reason I wanted no distractions, just me. It’s odd because I was just saying a bit ago that it felt lonely going to the hscope by myself.
Maybe it’s the hormones talking and I just don’t know what I want!

Another crazy last week is that I interviewed for a job outside my company. It all happened fast as I had talked to the recruiter the week before and initially said no because the job is 40+miles from my house. But thought twice over the weekend about not even trying to see what I thought so reached back out to recruiter on Tuesday and he asked if I could interview Thursday, so I did.
I was pretty underwhelmed with them as they are really far behind what I  would consider modern Human Resources. I’d actually still be open if I thought the leader was looking to change or transform the function. But, ummm, no. Planning to retire in a few years.
I was intially going to send a note saying thanks but no thanks, then reconsidered that and decided just to stay quiet and see what they have to say.
I’m glad I went at the very least because when I put on my suit jacket, fixed my hair, and actually put on some makeup I felt really good about myself. Also just practicing interviewing is always helpful. It got me thinking about focusing on my career for a bit longer, which I think is positive as well.
Will see....