Spring Break

Spring Break is here and I’m excited. Nanny normally takes off the whole week but I asked her this year to break it up a bit since I’m not sure what my plan is yet for work/break/small leave, etc. so she worked this mon and Tuesday and is off wed-sat.
I haven’t planned anything major except since I am off work I really just want to unplug. I think I generally do a pretty good job of it. When I come home (or lately just out of my bedroom since I've been working from home) at 5:30 it's computer off, phone down for the next at least 3 hours so I am solely focused on the kids. The only time I even check the phone is if it's ringing. Then after the littles are sound asleep I may surf the net or watch shows, then bed. On the weekend, sometimes I just leave my phone home so it's not even a distraction....I have to admit though, having map directions at your fingertips is really helpful. But, I think it's good for the mind to just unplug. As I sit here and type on my laptop at bedtime. Think I need some more practice.


Total tangent because I was writing about spring break. I think we will just try and plan the days as they come....we already talked about swimming, library, bike riding, getting my son a haircut, maybe some shopping--to which my son said no way. I have to get geared up to be responsible for all the meals which I've mentioned is probably my least favorite domestic task. Mostly because I think I'm somewhat intimidated by it all....I have no practice cooking real meals or baking, etc.. I've lived off of eating out for lunch and eating left overs from what my nanny cooks for years now. Unfortunately not the most healthy approach. In any case, I'm looking forward to having some time just dedicated to us.  I'm hopeful that we stay busy enough that they don't have time to argue--which has grown in frequency and volume lately.


Something I've learned about the time I'm completely off work and can be "just a mom" I really really enjoy how I feel at the end of the day.  I feel like I'm well.....alive in a way. I'm not stuck behind a laptop all day, Im actually talking to people instead of instant messaging and writing email, I'm moving around all day with our activities....and by the end of the day I am physically tired. And it feels really good. Like aaaaahhh.....feels good to just sit and be. It reminds me of what my neighbor who is a lot older says....motion is lotion for the joints. And it's true....


Ive been considering again taking the leap of being a stay at home mom. However, I think what worries me the most is feeling lonely. I don't have that 'tribe' you always read about and I'm somewhat introverted. The other thing is not having another adult around that I know will come everyday to provide support. I've stewed about all of this for the last few years, really.....I think sometimes you just have to leap and try. Not sure I'm ready yet but I'm feeling closer to it. I think my plan is to work for next few months, look around at other opportunities and see if anything sounds great.  Of course, the big 'what if' is whether this baby plan works or doesn't.  I somewhat think that if it does work, I will want to work for the next few more years, I'm not sure.
It seems a bit overwhelming and daunting, though, thinking about doing something different than being a career woman--which I've done over the last 17 years. It takes mucho guts, cahones, and belief in yourself to be all in to do something completely different. And, being okay with fear and just doing it anyway. That is something I have done in the past and my calculated risks have seemed to turn out allright;) I have two awesome kids as a result.


Im also thinking again about where I want to raise kids......this one I just don't have an answer for. I like where we live, however, it is a massive city and not what I imagined for raising a family. I think about the Midwest, then stop thinking, then try it on again, then look at real estate, etc..and I think I have to just see. I remember telling myself several months ago when spinning all this around that I shouldn't change too much at one time. I still think that's the case and the smartest approach.  I don't like the fact that things feel 'up in the air', but they certainly are....with a baby plan, a new work plan, maybe a life change plan of leaving corporate America, a maybe move plan......you know with both pregnancies I moved while pregnant. I don't recommend it, but who knows....maybe third times a charm and Ill do it again.


I have to say, there's something exciting about what could be?? I think I've moved houses/apartments every 3-4 years for my whole career....sometimes more than that.  I actually like the idea of changing things up and trying the new.  Of course, I do want to put down roots for my family, but until I know where my heart leads on that.....maybe we just need to try some more?  Why not move to the Midwest and try it? It's not a one way ticket and we can always come back here.
I'm also thinking about leaving my current company and that feels like a big weight being lifted off of me. I almost left a year and a half ago because my gut was having trouble accepting that I was going to take the new job in a different part of the company.  And I have to say, in hindsight, it was not a great experience. The woman I worked for was not great, the environment wasn't great, the work was not great, the culture was not great.....I firmly believe intuition is there for a reason. I've known that for awhile, so to actually think about stepping away from that...should I stay or should I go....just sounds....freeing. Like I can just shake that off.....leave it behind.....and be just.....yes, free.
A fresh start to something else.....only time will tell. I think all will be sorted in the next 3 months or so.


Also, what else should be done is construction house!! We are in the last stretches of finishing this beast.  And what a beast it's been.  I started it June of last year and will probably have it up to rent in April. 10 months. And don't even ask about budget and all the money I've had to pay for carrying costs. What I am sincerely thankful for, though, is I could still sell it tomorrow and break even. Not what I had in mind, that's for sure, but many lessons learned.  One of those has to do w/ the cabinet guy.  I've never really worked with someone who was so condescending on a regular basis. I really don't know if it had to do with me being a woman, or changing my mind often, or what....but this guy was a real assh*&le. Every time I spoke to him he would sigh, get really tight in his voice, tell me I need to realize he's got other jobs, kept saying ' that's not what we agreed to'....even if it was. He also tried to get me to pay him in full even when he wasn't finished (umm, gimme a break).  Just a whole load of crap.  I even had to pay my contractor $1500 to fix his shitty cabinets on top of what I paid him. Anyway, rather than just 'let it go' or get into a verbal confrontation with him, I sent him this text after I was ready for his last check..."Check at house mailbox. I should have deducted for what I had to pay Jacob to fix or finish how it should have been done. But, I'd rather just cut my losses. A bit of advice--I sure hope you don't interact with others the same way I've seen over the last many months. Changes get made, things aren't always linear. But, how you react, treat, and speak to people can go a long way when working through issues. Suggest thinking through that going forward".
Take that.


Well, I'm off to go take some more shots and medicine. It ramps up tomorrow too by adding patches. I currently take est.race 2 X a day, dexa.methasone, baby aspirin, and lup.ron.  Tomorrow is the patches and adding a 3rd est.race a day.  I have noticed since adding in the est.race I am a bit more irritable with a shorter fuse. I'm a little quicker to get frustrated w/ kids so I need to really work on that over the next several days. I need to give myself a time out maybe!
What's kind of exciting is a have a transfer date. End of March.  Woah Nellie.