SUMMER!

 Well....we did it. We made it to Summer break! Kids got out of school last Thursday. It was exciting, sad, and almost a disbelief the year was over--not to mention the pressure of trying to figure out what we're going to do all summer. I think back to last summer and everything was still shut down, kids had been out of school since March, we literally couldn't go to the pool, the park, the stores, just nothing. We stayed home 24/7 for the most part for 6 months. We did do drive through when that started to open and we did go to the pool (with a mask and socially distanced) when that opened as well. That's about it.  What a difference now: I'm fully vaccinated, I went to my first store last week without a mask. Now that was an odd experience. I literally felt like I was missing something and doing something wrong. I can't quickly shake the 'wear a mask or you'll die', so not wearing still made me anxious. Although being able to breathe and not sweat in the store was soooo missed.  What's another sobering statistic is that we are almost at 600,000 covid deaths in the united states. 33 million people have had the virus, which includes 3 from this house. I still look at the website regularly that tallies deaths and trends and see we still have hundreds of people dying every day. We also still have a lot of people who don't want to get vaccinated, my sister being one of them. I can't seem to convince her that she needs it, but ultimately it is her decision. Our school even called off the mask mandate as of June 1. I thought that was a bit premature, but hopefully by the Fall things will be semi-normal?

I'm happy that we can look forward and breathe a little easier. I've spent a lot of time doing legwork on camps. Calling, getting prices, reading about the different options, and ultimately signing up. So, this week they are both going to a basketball camp at our elementary school. My son loves basketball so it was a no brainer on that one...but my daughter said no until I told her she could buy the pizza one of the days. Then she was all in. The week after that they are both going to a Y day camp that offers all kinds of stuff like arts, crafts, steam stuff, swimming, day trips, etc, and they feed them! Then the following week while my son stays at the Y, my daughter will go to a one week Spanish immersion camp. She's asked for a long time now about Spanish lessons....and a friend of mine is sending her son there for a month, so really excited to see how she does with it. Then they are both going to visit Amy for a week so I can fly to see my sister. They are doing that so I can have several days to help my sister clean her entire house from top to bottom. She's a lot like my mom and has so much 'stuff' like everywhere. She's been struggling on/off for such a long time now with her health that she asked me to come and help her with the house, it's just too overwhelming for her. So, for the past several weeks I've been contacting carpet cleaners, entire house cleaners for a total deep clean, and carpet installers so she can fix the basement that flooded a few years ago and put it back together. I decided for schedule that: DAY ONE we are going to go in each area of the house and pull out and put in a box everything that doesn't need to be in there and put it in the garage.DAY TWO: House cleaners DAY THREE: Carpet cleaners. We will be sorting through all the crap on day 2 and 3 when the house itself is getting deep cleaned. It's going to be a ton of work, but she really really needs this.

After I get back I have the kids scheduled at the Y for rest of the summer, but you can always cancel a week here and there if other plans come up. My son's little friend Caroline (who he constantly draws pictures for, makes heart shapes with his fingers and points them towards her) asked if we wanted to go to a water park, etc. so for things like that and if we just need more time to relax as well. My whole idea about camps all summer is that they need to stay busy. They need to be active, get energy out, etc.. I think it will be good for them, and good for me to still have some space to myself. A little piece of me was thinking okay, I'm a stay at home mom....and I'm sending my kids to camp all summer. But, then I thought, so what? I will be with them every morning, after camp, and all weekend. There are things camps can do that I am not so good at like: arts/crafts, coming up with new and adventurous things to do, etc. Also, I felt a little better when I learned an old work friend who works from home and her husband is a stay at home dad are sending their 6 year old to camp all summer too.

We started therapy again for my daughter. Things have continued to be a struggle so I researched again to find a good therapist....we did not want a play therapist, but we also didn't want one that was so focused on the education piece because she has a hard time applying that. It's also hard for my girl to talk about her emotions and things in general, so it really did need to be the right match. So, we are trying one out that has good ratings and we've been there twice now. I'm not sure yet what I think....I forgot how slow things go in therapy to see any kind of change or improvement. I keep thinking to myself I'm not seeing the value for the cost just yet. Thankfully insurance picks up a large portion of the fee, otherwise I'd really be more upset, I think. Guess we will see it through for a bit and hope for the best.

A big positive for me is that I haven't had any caffeine since last Monday--a whole week. I'm not even sure what happened other than I said I feel crappy, maybe I just won't have a soda today. And then I started thinking about something my counselor had talked about with me, and that was treating my body well and doing things that made me feel good. I deserve that. I sure do....and I will say caffeine addiction is no joke. But interestingly the transition has not been awful. What I've done is traded in my diet coke with caffeine free in my fridge (at least for now).  What I've noticed so far is that my overall 'feeling' is better. I'm dreaming more, which means I'm getting better quality sleep. I dont wake up feeling like so sluggish and dragging myself out of bed. AND I beat my son at memory card game today. That is a major accomplishment. I'm fuller faster at meal time. I'd like to continue on this path and see what else I notice for the better.

These last several weeks I've felt like I've run around like crazy, doing taxes, working to get the remodel at rental house finished, scheduling appointments for my sister's house, working on summer camps, doctors appointments, regular errands, etc.. My calendar has been quite full lately with just 'stuff'. So, I'm hoping once the kids start camp and I finish the remodel that things will slow down a bit.  What's a bit crazy to me is that in the past I managed all this and had a full time job, oh and let's not forget single parenting. That's a pretty heavy load. So, while I'm off I want to make sure I'm using my time wisely and not 'wasting' it.  Another great thing is that since the kids' camp is at a Y, I can drop them off and go right on in and do my own workout. Every day, no excuses since I'll literally BE there. Sure hope that helps with the motivation factor for me.

List

There are a lot of things swirling in my mind....so hopefully it makes sense after writing.

I'm going to start with parenting. I was feeling so renewed after having a break during spring break. I'm not sure if it was something in the water, but man oh man has it been tough in our house. I take that back, I know likely the culprit--my daughter picked up a respiratory virus/strep throat several weeks ago (not covid, she was tested)....and let me tell you, there's nothing more that contributes to her mood than being sick, tired, or hungry. If you put all of them together, it's just not going to be pleasant. I've been dealing with so. much. bickering and arguing. It is relentless and nonstop. Between the two, between my girl and I, and even my son and I have had words--he's been taunting his sister a lot and he also continues to hang, swing, jump off, and climb everything, including our mantel. He literally was climbing the wall the other day--we have a post and he was shimmying up it. They both have such different personalities that when there is confrontation my son usually backs down to make peace, but my daughter just digs her heels in harder. That's a trigger for me when it's outright defiance, then things escalate. I'm ashamed to admit I've lost it a time or two lately. I've gotten back to a place that makes me realize I need parent/counseling help. I need more tools in order to figure out how to deal with the meltdowns without sacrificing the relationship w/ my girl. I do need to give myself some credit, though, because when there are battles, I sometimes do handle things well and if I dig deep I can have patience....for example, we needed to go to rental house by 12noon on a Saturday. Around 11am I said ok, time to get going. I hear, "I'm not going". My daughter decided she didn't want to go. Of course I tried most of my tricks like giving her time, space, started playing a game with my son and said she could play after she got ready....I got nothing except "No, I'm not going". In my mind I'm thinking okay, she's bigger now, I can't just pick her up and put her in the car anymore....what do I do? We do have a list of family rules on the wall, in addition to the consequences for not following them.  However, sometimes giving consequences work like a calm down (time out), but other times she could care less. I consciously said ok, I'm going to lean in to her and and empathize, hug, let her know I'm there for her etc and while it took about 45 minutes, she ended up choosing to get ready to go. Maybe I just need more practice with this type of response, I don't know. I do know that her anxieties have contributed to issues as well because for the first time at school she refused to get out of the car during morning drop off. Basically it was raining on the way to school and I said we were going to wait in the car rider line. One of her triggers is being late. The longer we sat there the more worked up she got. She ended up pretty much in a meltdown by the time we got to the door. It's not something I want to remember because it was painful. I struggled with what to do? She was in such a state--when she gets like that her mood is just 'unregulated' is the best way to describe....it's like a fight or flight kicks in and she sometimes does both. I hesitate sharing too much because I feel very protective of her and her struggles, but I suspect I'm not alone. All of that to say, I really feel like we both need help. I don't want her carrying shame or embarrassment and I need help with how best to handle certain situations.  

ME:

-I've been focused lately on taking care of some health things-like getting my tooth extracted--was a long recovery and they had to go back in--4 weeks with pain in your mouth is no fun. Right before that a crown had broken so I had to get a new one of those as well. Lots of money lately for my teeth.  I also recently had a non cancerous mole looked at. It was determined to be not great, but not bad....so Dr. wanted to err on the side of take out....so I'm healing now with a 3 inch set of stitches across my forearm. I researched whether my insurance covered dieticians and they do! So I reviewed which ones were in network and set up a new visit with her. I did like her, was motivated with it....then she needed to book out 2 weeks because of a move. Needless to say, I cancelled my visit w/ her today. I need to pick it up, but that's about how things go sometimes....I get an idea, try it, and my follow through just falls off.

- I recently looked in a trunk I had in the closet and came across some old photos. There was one of my just my mom and dad. It hit me hard that both of them are now gone. I still wanted to show my kids because I don't have pictures of my mom up, it is still painful after all these years....and the tears just rolled. Seeing my mom's face, her eyes....even now I'm just crying. God I miss her. It was sad, too in a way that seeing pictures of the family I grew up around felt like a lifetime ago. Like it's been so long since we lived together, were together, etc..that I just felt a heaviness. Sadness...wistfulness, maybe. Another random thing I did was thought of a past relationship when I was a teenager. I think opening up that trunk opened a few things up in my memories too. I looked up online and actually found a picture of him now and he is old and fat. I hardly recognized him....but what surprised me was the angry feelings I had about the relationship. It was not a healthy one, and that kind of started me down the road of not healthy relationships. I kind of had an aha because I do have fear of abandonment, perhaps contributing to the reason I'm completely single after all this time....and realized that that is exactly how he treated me. That's when I started getting mad.  I mean for real this was around 30 years ago, but all these emotions came up that I was not expecting or prepared for. I'm not really sure what to do with this knowledge other than to stew on it, but not let it bring me down.

 --To continue down the nostalgic path, I looked at videos back from when my phone could take them--around 2015. I realized we hardly have ANY videos from last year during the pandemic by the way. But also realized my kids are big now. I feel like my daughter has looked similar since she was 5, but my son has changed leaps and bounds since he turned 6. His adult teeth are coming in. It makes me sad, in a way, that my kids aren't little little anymore. My son no longer says I wuv you. It's I love you.

--I flew for the first time in maybe 2 years? My sister turned 50 and I flew up direct to meet up in a town about 2 hours from her, and 3 hours from my brother....lots of things went wrong like our hotel was horrible, we changed a few times....my brother's truck broke down. But, it allowed him to actually stay the night and spend more time together. It was really really good to be together. I wished my kids could have hung out too.....but I needed a break i.e. read all of the above.....so Amy came to visit, thankfully to allow me the 48 hours to go.

--I'm getting itchy to move. We've been here almost 6 years now. Market is great for sellers.....but no pull as to go somewhere else. I've been eyeing my neighbor's house w/ an attached garage. I decided to keep my rental house and am in the process of remodeling it. Tenant signed a two year lease so that helped me feel more confident in keeping.

--Still have been thinking of that third child. Not ready to give the idea up just yet. Maybe that's okay. If anyone wants to donate embryos? let me know. Kidding, sort of. I've checked out a few of the websites for embryo donation and just not sure how much success a single person might have on there. For now I'll just keep our baby stuff.

--My brain is so dull these days. My short term memory is laughable, I can't find the words I want to use, I forget what I am saying mid-sentence. I chalk some of this up to bad sleep i.e. I still don't sleep well and my 6 year old seems to wake up as much as a newborn sometimes. I really felt it when my son brought home a challenge sheet where you look at a picture, then take it away and ask questions to see what you can remember. Oh my....my mental sharpness is gone. I used to be So quick too. Sigh.

My son:

--We all were talking in the car the other day and he says, 'I miiiight be annoying, but I do nice stuff'! 

--He still surprises me with his sweetness....he asked to crack the eggs in the kitchen. He pulled out 9 eggs and said, 'Look!'...I said looks good. He said, 'LOOK'....I still didn't see and he showed me he had laid out the eggs in the shape of a flower for me. He was home sick and I mentioned I was tired...he said 'oh, do you want me to sit with you to comfort you?'. We were reading books at night and I asked if he wanted to read the left page and I read the right? He said, "No, you read...I like the sound of your voice".

--He is very descriptive sometimes when he talks....we had a round of strep throat come through and when my son had it he said it felt like 10,000 bees stinging it.  When he was mad he described it as he felt like he was inside of the tin cake cover i.e. feeling trapped.

--He tested into the talented and gifted program at school. I knew he was crazy good at math but I had no idea he was as good at reading. On the standardized tests he scored 97%ile in reading and 98%ile in math. He was one of only 4 kids out of over 100 that tested in. I was kind of amazed, really. They call it the Challenge program. For kinder he goes once a week for an hour and starting in first grade they go all day once a week.  Will see how that goes. I know his other kinder academic work was way too basic.

My Girl:

--She has a really dry sense of humor. She's going to be queen of the one liners, I think. The other day when we were eating dinner she says, 'I said it once and I'll say it again....I do not like meatloaf". It might be a 'you had to be there' moment but to hear this come out of an 8 year old just cracked me up.

--She has a lot of nicknames....sis, sister...babe is the one I use the most.

--Don't know if I mentioned but she got braces on the top of her teeth in December. Oy vey. Apparently they do it differently now where if they need to make space, they prefer to move their teeth to keep them versus pull them out later. I was on the fence about it, got 2 consultations, and for some reason the second one sold me. He used the 'if it were my kid'....and he has 5 of them. I made a quick decision the day of the consultation to do it, and for insurance to pay as much as they could. She will have to get the bottom ones on this week. She'll keep both on until December. I really had some remorse after doing it because she was in a lot of pain and really it's only 1 tooth we are trying to save, her teeth were already straight, she'll have to wear a retainer until all her adult teeth come in, AND this doesn't prevent her from needing a second set of braces afterwards.....but her regular dentist agreed it was the right decision too. Perhaps it will save her from having oral surgery and wearing them a shorter time both times.

--My girl had been asking for a fish for a few years now. She even wrote a paper at school that was a persuasive essay on how our family needed a fish. After reading her work I finally caved and said yes, she could get a fish. We went and picked it out, got all of the equipment, tank, rocks, and set it up.....and oh no....the fish died after two days. I dont remember it being that hard to keep a fish when I was growing up, don't you just put it in a bowl? We didn't do that of course, but aw man. After realizing what it would take to keep a fish she decided she didn't want to replace it. Probably a good decision.

--Their class got a pet hamster named Luna and she was so excited the teacher agreed to do it. There was a ball she got to run around in during class and overall they were having a lot of fun w/ her. And then....we get the email. Luna had gotten sick and didn't make it. I had to explain to my girl over spring break that Luna wouldn't be there when she got back to school. Thankfully she didn't cry. I'm hopeful that this is enough with pets for awhile.

--She's had a lot of struggles lately, but I'm hopeful that we are just in a valley and things will improve soon.

--She smells SO good. For some reason, she has always had this fresh, sweet smell and it is just amazing. sometimes I ask her to come over to me so I can hug her and just bury my head next to hers...and breathe deeply. ahhhhhh.

Like I said, lots of mish mosh of things....but I think something I'm learning w/ parenting is that there are lots of peaks and valleys. For some reason, I had this idea that things just sort of stay constant. I'm not sure why I even thought this....but in our house it just doesn't. Maybe in others' houses it does, but not ours. Guess i'm constantly learning.