I have way too much on my mind right now. I’ve been thinking through what I want for this next step in my career, and I’m not 100% in either direction.
I can tell my mind is jumbled because I’ve tried to write and explain what’s happened and where I am at now…….and I’ve started writing this over about 3 times now. I’ll try again from start.
I’ve mentioned that I have two options now that my company’s HQ is moving cities. I can either stay on here until a severance (which has financial benefits) OR I can try to transfer over into a different part of our company. It’s somewhat hard to explain but even though where I work shares the same name as the bigger company, we are run completely separately. So, even though it would be an internal transfer, it is much like starting over at a brand new company altogether. Pros and cons to doing this.
Well, I was asked to do a phone interview last week for the job they told me about when my co-worker got the last job. It is a similar job to what I am doing now, just in a different group.
I was in Colorado all last week for my current job, but decided that yes, I should interview and worst case scenario if I didn’t like it or get a good feeling, I could always withdraw from the process.
I did the telephone interview last week with the hiring manager in the UK, and the other interviewer was here in the U.S. I felt pretty good after the call, felt positive….and thought I had done well with all of the preparation I did. Then, after the interview the U.S. guy reached out and asked if I would be interested in meeting up face to face yesterday. I wasn’t sure if that meant he wanted to offer the role, or just chit-chat, etc.. so I said of course, why not.
Conversation yesterday went well, he seemed pretty cool, showed me around campus a bit….then said they’d get back to me sometime this week. I got a meeting notice last night from the hiring manager for today.
Well….
DUM DUM DUM…….the hiring manager offered me the job today!!
I had a feeling that was going to be the case because yesterday my current boss said there was positive vibes coming from them that he got. I spoke with her today and felt a little more easy about her—for some reason my intuition is a bit wary of her. She was underwhelming in my initial conversation with her about a month ago, but was better in the interview, and better this past phone call.
I want to take a few days to think about it and funny enough, a little bit ago my current boss said, ‘do you have something to tell me’….I thought he was referring to the fact that I was offered the position. He sent me a note saying that the hiring manager told him I accepted the offer!! Ummm….what?! I certainly did not say yes…..the only thing I did was talk about potential timing if I were to accept. So, somehow our communication got twisted…..there goes my stomach again…that little bit of worry for some reason.
I took the opportunity to send an email to the hiring manager to clarify that I wanted a few days to think through, and oh by the way, here was my rationale for a salary adjustment. I was going to wait on that, but I think it made sense given that I already had to send her an email letting her know I had not accepted. Weird, right?! I decided on the salary piece, it’s a risk……most of the time if you are moving internally to the same grade level, they just move you. BUT, our part of the company has a different compensation package than they do, SO……I decided that if you don’t ask, the answer will always be NO.
I’m a little concerned that it might seem offputting to them because of the mixup in her thinking I already accepted, THEN asking for salary increase….. but, I’ve already decided that if they meet me somewhere in the middle, I will certainly be ok with that. If they flat out say no, then it may tip the scales for me to decline the position, stay where I am, and look at the external market at a new company. I am certainly not afraid to be unemployed and the market in my city is pretty good. Thankfully when I walked through this with a friend of mine (or two)…they helped me realize I am in the driver’s seat. I don’t HAVE to accept their offer if something feels ‘off’, I don’t HAVE to take just what they give me because I have other options.
OPTIONS…..that word if very powerful for me. I’ve been so financially conservative because I never want to be tied down or tied into something because I can’t afford to do something different. That’s always been very very important to me, in many respects. I want to be able to do what I want, when I want to…..it just gives me such a sense of peace and freedom when I’m in a position to make choices versus settle for the ‘less than’. Once I thought of it that way, the burden of making this choice about my career seemed to lessen some…..but I will say that this uncertainty has been hard to deal with. I’ve known about this upcoming change now since December of 2016.
So, I sent the email asking for what I wanted. Nervous about it still, but at the end of the day, they could always just say no, and I then make a decision from there.
I titled this post return to the 3’s because…..I mentioned a minute ago I had taken a trip to Colorado last week..I left Monday morning and returned this past Friday night. I talked to the kids every day I was there and sent pictures etc too. Most of the time they handle me being gone pretty well because their normal nanny stays with them at our house, so their routine is not super disrupted.
Well…….
When I came back this past Friday I was super excited to see them on Saturday. And boy oh boy did I get a welcome….TANTRUM CITY sweetheart. My daughter was a complete mess. She woke up screaming/crying…didn’t want anything. We were supposed to go to soccer practice (we just started going on Saturday’s, indoors, from 9:15-10 and just love it so far). She wanted nothing to do with it, didn’t want me to comb her hair, didn’t want to put on socks and shoes……and sure, if she’s melting down, you know brother is not far behind.
We were supposed to leave at around 8:45am and I have two wailing children, both want to be held, not wanting to get ready…..it was a circus. I basically said we are going, and if she didn’t want to participate she could sit on the sidelines.
I’m exhausted just reliving it right now. We ended up making it to soccer and she participated just fine. Towards the afternoon because it was hot we went to the pool and it was fine, however when we got out both of them just melted down again….
I was really concentrating on being patient, kind, and patient ;) …….giving lots of hugs, asking them what I could do to help, etc.. I KNOW me being gone is emotionally hard for them and I think they save up their emotion and pour them all out on me when I get back. I know they can’t explain that they missed me, they felt sad, etc.. and therefore are acting out.
I KNOW all of this……
BUT,
It doesn’t make it any easier in the heat of the moment when there were bouts of tantrum throughout the weekend and all I could think was---this is the hardest it’s been in a long time. And eventually I snapped and yelled a few times. I just really don’t like when I do that. They need hugs and understanding when they are a wreck…I know this—and it can be very hard to do. It absolutely took me back to days of baby and toddler when no one was sleeping, everyone was exhausted, and the patience tank was depleted. As an example, one of the mornings my girl came in my room at 4:50am and my son got up at 5:50am of course and had woken up a few times through the night.
After reflecting over this past weekend yesterday, another thought that came to me is that yes, they may have been tired, hard time adjusting to me gone, etc…but the other thing w/ my girl is wondering if she’s in a developmental stage again? I sure knew when it was happening in her two’s and three’s because there were periods of a ton of tantrums and sleep issues. She is showing signs of thinking differently with asking questions about her grandma no longer here (my mom, who passed away before she was born and she hasn’t met) and if she’ll come back, etc.. and also recognizing when she ‘slips up’ with her behaviour, comes right over to apologize and say she was sorry for doing X…..that’s a lot of thinking for a 4 year old, well almost 5 in August (oh dear).
I don’t know….maybe I’ll get out the book about parenting spirited children again to see if there are some tips I can remind myself of in there. It’s my job to make sure I learn how to guide her in a way that works for her and she doesn’t feel like she’s not being heard, or not getting ‘enough’ of whatever she needs. It’s been a journey with her…..her birth was pretty traumatic (I still need to write and post this story), she wasn’t a snuggly baby at all and I wondered if I wasn’t doing something right (no, that’s just how she is wired), her entry into tantrums started at two and went well into threes…..very fierce, exhausting, emotionally draining behaviors…and at four has blossomed into such a charming, delightful, sensitive, thoughtful, creative, and fierce sense of right and wrong little girl. She’s giving kisses and hugs to more than make up for not wanting them before, and makes me laugh almost on a daily basis.
My two children are so very different….my son is happy if you just give him a remote ;)
