So yeah...we are already heading into summer here. Temps are on the rise, we no longer are seeing 60's in the morning..it's 70's+ and afternoons are 80's+ w/ humidity on its way. Summer is a comin'. We have approximately a month left before school is out and wow. Just wow.
This week has been a bit of a downer as I caught my son's bug/virus of sore throat, congestion, etc. last Saturday (going on 5 days now), but it seems when I get it from them my symptoms are 10 times worse. I've been on my bed/couch for about 3 days w/ achy, etc..and I just have to force myself to sit upright and get up. The more the crap rolls around in my head the worse I feel. So yesterday I folded the huge stack of laundry that was clean in the toy room and I did a load of dishes. That about did me in, so I was happy I at least did that. I also was scheduled to pick up the girls from theater at 5:45 so did that too along w/ pick up pizza. I'm sure I could have called Selina's mom and said I wasn't feeling well could she do, but...well, I didn't. Tonight it's my turn for soccer carpool so we'll see how that goes...maybe sitting outside (albeit hot and humid) will do me some good. The Last thing I want to do is cook so we had chicken salads and pizza. I've been working hard on not eating out as much and I do think it's better for all of us....but right now I just don't care. take out it is.
We are rounding out 4th grade for my son and 7th grade for my girl and I'm proud (and glad) to say they both have had really good school years...socially and academically. My girl was inducted into the national honor society and both have been keeping A's. Emotionally is always a bit tricky because we have had a few hiccups. I'd say overall, my son is doing "better" w/ managing his emotions...it's been slow progress...but it's not always smooth sailing...a few months back I have no idea what got into him but at soccer practice he was getting madder and madder during warm ups at his friend Aarav. Aarav wasn't doing what the coach said to do....and I could see the look on my son's face--he was seeing red. He was running back from mid-field and ran right up to Aarav and full-force pushed him down to the ground from behind. I jumped up so fast, I couldn't believe he had done that! I ran over and yanked him away from the group...said what in the he%$ are you doing?! I've never seen him lash out like that in anger and I was pretty shocked. In the moment I told him that was absolutely out of line, uncalled for, and he needed to go apologize. THEN, afterwards and many days after it was a lot of conversation about what he can do instead--walk away, etc..--telling him about what consequences he can face if lashes out like that i.e. he won't be able to play w/ his friends. Their moms won't want him around, etc.. After some time he finally started thinking through, oh crap, that won't be a good situation--Aarav's mom was already upset about the whole Ata situation and the soccer slide tackle debacle. She told me she was worried my son might hurt Aarav...and at the time I was like no way, and frankly was a bit offended. Guess who had to eat their words? I debated on whether I should tell her what happened, then decided to let it go....if Aarav told his mom and she reached out, I would tell her I thought I handled the situation. I never did hear from her, so I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. Truthfully, I think my son has anxiety underneath his outbursts....I've thought this for awhile. This was the worst example he's ever had and that I've ever seen....and I'm hoping nothing like this happens again. Therapy likely would be good for him, but I haven't prioritized it like I probably should.
I won't even get into the challenges of finding a good therapist that's reasonably priced....I had gotten a few referrals and have one we may try. But, I think it makes more sense to start w/ my girl. She definitely could use an outlet to help work on some things related to her severe anxiety. I've mentioned she struggles at times, and with me in particular. I don't know why but at times when I ask her a benign question she makes something up. For example, hey did you drain the tub? Yes, she says....and I walk in there and well, no she didn't. It's little things like that where I'm like, why is it so hard to just say the truth? She has this anxiety about getting in trouble, but the funny thing is, I'm not a strict parent. I don't lash out, take things away, etc. I've learned over the years approaching any of these situations calmly is the best thing...so I took her to lunch not long ago and I asked her, babe, is there something I'm doing, is there a way I can say things to make you feel more comfortable, etc.. and she said no, it's not me. It's how she feels. This is very sad for me.....and greatly affects our relationship. I can't always trust what she's saying AND trust is a core value of mine. And It doesn't seem like I can fix it no matter what I've tried.....we've tried positive reinforcement like she earns a shoulder rub if she tells the truth....or there are no consequences if she tells the truth. However, I'll say there's been slight improvement in that when I hear something I know isn't true I'll say hey babe, is that really how it is? and she will very quickly say actually no. In the past, she would draw the line and not move off of it no matter what. So in a way, that's some improvement. But, it's hard for me not to take that personally.... I don't understand her some of the times and deep down I do think and worry it's me, somehow. Because I asked her if she does this w/ others and she says no. Maybe she does too, but I don't know.
We are also on the cusp of teenager-dom and I know things will likely get worse. She's never been a cuddly child (unless she is the one to initiate)....and it's like she's a different kid w/ her friends. She's so talkative and energetic. We'll be driving and it will be silent....then when we pick up a friend she turns into a chatterbox. I've asked her why it's different when she's at home and why she and I don't have conversations like that other than hey, did you brush your teeth, etc..and she said she has a social battery and uses it at school. then when she's home, its gone. Fair enough...I can understand that. Although there's a part of me that's like wait a minute, I've put in all this work raising you, giving you a safe space, comforting you, etc.. and I get what's leftover after you've poured into your friends. I know that's how kids are, but it's very noticeable right now. She's leaning more on her friends. In fact, this was very apparent when her friend Parker's brother recently passed away....he was 10 and was born w/ a genetic condition...lots of health struggles his whole life. We were at the funeral, she was just sobbing...a lot to deal w/ for a 12 year old. She had spent a lot of time w/ him while at Parker's house, so it was a loss. She was just so sad and I tried to hug her, rub her back, etc....she let me a few times, but pushed me away a few times. Then, she was hugging w/ her friends. On the ride home I mentioned that I wasn't sure what she needed from me, etc ...and she said she felt more comfortable hugging on her friends. Oh wow that hurt. She was honest, and I can't fault her for that....but wow. That really really hurt. I really feel like there's always been this something....I feel like she often kind of keeps me emotionally at arm's length. I don't know if that's due to anxiety, her age, her personality, or some combination of all of it. I still keep extending the arms for hugs and I love yous, I try to stay calm....I try to teach. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, what parent doesn't....but I hope she knows that I am here for her always, no matter what. I am her advocate, a strong force that will fight for her.....and give what I have to make sure she knows she's loved. Maybe I need to tuck her in again at night more...that's been one of the few times that she seems to be more open to talking about 'real' feelings and things going on....and at this age, keeping that line of communication open, no matter how it is done...is so important. I will say that the lunch we had earlier I thoroughly enjoyed....we talked about how she's feeling, she asked me questions too, etc.. and it was one of the best conversations we've had in a long time. It was a real conversation. Maybe that's another thing, I can take her, just she and I, on lunch dates to give us that space as well.
I've said this before.....my kids are challenging. There's the basics of cooking, cleaning, shuttling them from one place to the next....I guess the physical part of parenting. Then there's all the rest of the stuff...the emotions, the feelings, the growth, the changes....I'm finding that part equally as hard as the physical. Maybe even more so--and I just wasn't expecting that. And the older they get the more that part expands. New things, new relationships, new challenges, new problems....I think overall, all I can do is the best I can do. I love these kids. I want good relationships with them. I want us to enjoy each other. That's what I strive for.
And, in the meantime I'll cry whenever I get rid of things from their childhood....like finally clearing out a craft space drawer that still held the color wonder book and markers they don't use anymore. A new family down the street w/ 4 boys 6 and under definitely could use that more than we can. And as I put it in a bag to send down there, I cried remembering my girl about 18 months with her curls starting to sprout everywhere--sitting on my bed coloring w/ them and being amazed at the picture she was making.
If anyone has any advice on parenting kids these ages, I'm all for it. The blogs I still read I think our kiddos are similar ages, so I read through your adventures as well. It helps to know we are on similar paths.
