This morning I was preparing for our cleaning lady to come (yes I still have her/her husband--they do a great/consistent job, and have done so for many years. I don't want to deep clean my house, so it's something I'm willing to pay for. Side note-they are from Brazil, and she got her citizenship a few months back, and her husband just got his. So happy for them).
Anyway, I was in my room and pulled out a photo album from when I was in graduate school--in 2000--25 years ago. It seems unreal that it's been that long. I was struck by so many things looking through it....
1) I absolutely positively LOVED school. The experience I had at graduate school was phenomenal. I loved the campus, my new friends, learning, growing, thinking about the future, etc. I saw a bunch of photos of our get togethers at each others' apartments, etc and that is SO my vibe. Small group setting, close group of like-minded people....no responsibilities other than getting to class and the campus job and playing club volleyball for the school. Really great time in my life, I remember it very fondly.
2) I look so vibrant. Energetic. My smile is so big an all the photos. You can almost see the energy coming through the photos--the excitement about the future and its possibilities. Yes, of course I was younger (25), but it's not until you look back and see just how much I've changed. Physically, as I'm 50 now, but emotionally and mentally as well. If I could have an ounce of the energy I just "had". Today I live on broken sleep and diet coke. I have since 2008 after my mom passed, and even more so after 2012 when I started having my children. I think pre-2008 was the last time I had a full night's natural sleep.
3) I was really pretty in those photos. I didn't feel pretty back then. I was always comparing myself to others and was in my head about thinking I'm not skinny enough, my hair wasn't long/full enough, etc.. That was still the time when terribly skinny was "in", and I was never built that way. I was healthy, athletic, strong and fit. I looked GOOD. When I look at those photos I wish I could give her the confidence I have now. I don't spend time comparing myself anymore...(age and wisdom has made me realize it's such a waste of mental energy--and all of youthful glow eventually fades, sags, wrinkles, and droops anyway) But I'd tell her how beautiful she is. And would want her to BELIEVE it.
4) It's a life that doesn't exist anymore. I came across photos of being in the house we grew up in (which my Dad sold a few years after my mom died), at christmas with my mom/dad (who are both passed away), with my one sister who is estranged (that I don't hardly communicate with other than maybe mailing a christmas card, and her children (2 nieces and 1 nephew) that I don't have any kind of communication or relationship with either. There's good reason....my sister married a bad man who was/is an alcoholic, never worked, smoked, was a terrible parent. He was terrible towards my mother, even though she spent a lot of time trying to put some good/positive in those kids' lives. As a result, the 3 kids have made poor choices in their lives, continued the cycle, trouble w/ the law, etc.. I don't need any of that in my or my kids' lives. The family I grew up with kind of disintegrated when my mom passed in 2008. As I was processing this, this is where all of my sad emotions started bubbling up.....I don't even have a foot in my old "life" because it's just not there. There's no ability to "go home"--to a place or with family from the first 25-30 years of my life. It was my whole world, and one that just isn't anymore. I didn't want to think too deeply about it because I would cry....and the cleaning lady was about to come. On the positive side, I do still talk to my other sister (although that has it's own challenges), and my brother every now and then. Opening that photo album made me think of him and text him. Although we just aren't that close. He's never been down to visit us here, though--we've lived in this house almost 10 years. I only see him if I go up to visit my sister in the midwest. He lives about 1 hr from her.
5) Looking through that photo album made me sad. Like my soul sad. Now that I have a minute to myself (the cleaners have left and my son hasn't come home from school) I'm allowing myself that space to feel it and just let the tears flow. I miss the safety of home. I miss my mom so much it hurts. I miss her unconditional love and that connection on a soul level. I'm sad that looking at old photos made me sad. I want to be able to look back and feel joy and love and happiness. But here I sit crying. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself or too upset about being upset. There is a lot of loss there, and it's okay to feel sad about it.
6) It's made me think about wanting to get back some of that strength and energy. I think about how I felt back then and yeah, it's very different from now--where these days I spend a lot of time dragging, being tired, and taking naps. I do think I'm still not where need to be w/ my mental health medication. That is not a quick fix and takes time to figure it out. Still working on it.
I think that's a good summary....a huge range of mixed emotions just opening up that photo album. I think it's good to pause and reflect, though. I spend so much time managing the day to day schedule and kids and teeth brushing, etc. that I don't spend much time thinking about ME....what do I want to do, what am I missing, what am I even interested in now? I don't spend enough time, or really any time on me. I've thrown myself into parenting and focused on that for the last so many years. Something to work on, I think.
Well, I missed writing about Spring Break 2025 (week of March 10), but suffice it to say it was busy and exhausting:
--my girl had 3 birthday parties (2 of them sleepovers which I'm still not a huge fan), had her first pet-sitting job where she had to walk the dog/feed him twice, had 2 dr's appointments, an ortho appointment, went roller skating w/ the neighbors' grandkids, we went on a bike ride and went fishing
--my son went swimming at a friends house outside--yes it was already warm enough to do that, had allergy shots, went to the port to take a boatride w/ James and his family, we went indoor swimming w/ James, had a friend over to the house
--we all went to the holocaust museum which was extremely emotional for me as we went to hear from a survivor who was 91. I cried almost the entire time.
--I took the kids to the jump place where my daughter met some of her friends and I took 3 boys w/ me.
--I also had a internet/cable appointment to fix our service, and a sprinkler appointment to fix them too
--oh yeah and driving them to/from all this stuff and scheduling all these appointments, texting w/ parents.
--we were actually going to go ziplining as a new activity...the kid have been asking to "go somewhere" like a hotel, or do something new, but w/ all the stuff planned, I just didn't want to add that too. So we looked into this and it was a good option....however when my girl's friends asked her to go to bouncy place, she said she'd rather do that. Ok then, maybe another time. Although my son didn't seem too excited about it anyway...He said he wants to go somewhere outside the country. Ha!
To be fair, I'd rather have them busy w/ stuff to do versus have them just sit around and fuss w/ each other so I was a willing participant in these events. In hindsight though, it was a lot.
I was exhausted after they went back to school last week and I kind of crashed and recovered--and of course picked up kids from theater and soccer practice, etc, ran allergy medicine to the school when the nurse called, dropped off my taxes, etc. it is never ending, isn't it?
I keep in touch w/ the mom of a friend of mine who is in her 70's....talk about perspective. She told me as busy as it gets, she would do it all over again. Enjoy it. I really am trying to....even on the days when my son is screaming and melting down in the shower after soccer practice because his team sucks, and when my girl is crying on her bed because I was disappointed in her--because she once again chose to make edible cookie dough the very first time she earned the right to be home by herself again. Back to having her come w/ us for everything. Sigh.
I'm sure I'll come back to these posts someday and also realize that even in the crazy of it all, it's a good crazy. I'm doing my best to raise good kids and that takes most of my energy--physical and mental. I chose this life and I'm deep in the thick of raising kids. It's rewarding....and exhausting, and all-encompassing. Being a single, stay at home parent is not easy and a full time deal. Not having as much adult interaction is not easy. But as those ahead of me have said...I'll blink and they'll be off to college.
Good lord I can't even. I'll stick to cooking and chauffeuring for now :)
