At the end of September my cousin called and said that her Dad (my mom's only sibling) had left early in the morning and no one knew where he was. My aunt woke up and he was gone, so was his truck. They finally tracked him down w/ police help and found him about an hour from home--disoriented, confused, and kept talking about the little guy in the backseat (which didn't exist)....my other cousin was able to go get him and she drove him straight to the hospital where they put him in ICU and diagnosed him with a brain bleed. He had had a stroke a few years ago, however it was very mild and he recovered to pretty much normal. At his age, 79, they said that they don't prefer to do surgery, they like to see if the body can repair on its own. He stayed in ICU for several more days and he was starting to improve. So, they transferred him on October 4th to another unit where he started PT, OT, etc. He was up using a walker, but over the next few days things went downhill. He started talking less and less, not able to do the therapy, etc. so they did another scan and found out he had more brain bleeding. He was put back in the ICU, and then on October 10th it was a final decision of surgery, or not....knowing what would come as a result if they chose not to. He was conscious enough for them to ask him to squeeze their hand if he did or did not want, and he said no. The family all agreed (my aunt, and the 4 "kids" my cousins ranging from age 58-46 ish). The surgery may not have worked, he may not, and likely wouldn't have been the same afterwards, and he lived life on his own terms. No one wanted to change that. So, the hospital let them know since they were no longer actively treating him, he needed to move to palliative care and move either home or to a hospice facility. My aunt didn't think she could handle taking care of him, so they moved him to a hospice inpatient unit about 20 minutes from their home. They transferred him on Friday October 11th.
As soon as my cousin said they were putting him in hospice care, I just had this strong gut emotion that I needed to be there. I just did. It was just such a, I HAVE to go....and RIGHT NOW, so I immediately called Amy on that Friday and asked if she could she get on a flight in a few hours to get here that night so I could fly out tomorrow/Saturday morning....I just felt that if I didn't get on the plane Saturday, I wouldn't make it in time to see him and talk w/ him. Thankfully she was able to do it, she flew in that night, and I was flying out by 9:30 AM Saturday. I didn't tell any of my cousins/Aunt I was going for several reasons, but mainly a) I didn't want them to worry about anything else b) I didn't know how I was going to feel so wanted to be in a hotel. I talk to my one cousin all the time, even more now that she's divorced, but we haven't physically seen all of them since 2017--7 years! I couldn't believe it had been that long when I had to search through pictures to see. Growing up we would always go to this Aunt/Uncle's for Thanksgiving every year. My cousin is only a few weeks older than I am, so we've remained connected over the years. After my mom passed, it was just too hard for me to go, but after I had my girl I went when she was 3 months old in 2012, then I went again when the kids were 4 and 2--2016, then 5 and 3-in 2017. It was a LOT to travel as a single person with two small kids, and when we were there, my cousin I'm close with has 5 kids! so she was distracted with all of that. It was nice, but crazy. Since my son was so young he doesn't remember, but my girl remembers "grandpa" (that's what I called him to them) playing marbles with her.
So, I got to the hospice location about 4:30pm on Saturday October 11th and to me he actually looked better than I thought he would. In fact, he looked just like my mom. He had lost a bit of weight over the last several weeks, so his cheeks were thinner. As soon as I went in I walked over and said Hey Uncle, it's me, your sister's daughter. They both looked very similar over the years, so when I saw him in the bed, it was uncanny how much alike they were. The family had all left around 3:30pm, and the only one there was my cousin's ex-husband. Of course he had been part of the family for over 20 years, so he asked my cousin if he could go and see my Uncle. I, for a second, thought: oh, would this be awkward?, but it turned out to be a really nice conversation. I didn't know him well over the years so we just weren't that close. But the elephant was the divorce last September, my cousin dating her coworker before they were divorced, and said coworker now lives with my cousin. He's very brokenhearted and it showed. We talked a bit about how he was doing, life after divorce, managing the kids, work, etc.. I talked to him more that day more than I had in 20 years. And it just felt nice. He had said his goodbyes already, so left me alone w/ my Uncle.
I know from all the reading that hearing is one of the last things to go, so I sat down next to him and told him I was glad to be there to visit him. My mom would be there too if she could have. There was such a sense of peace about sitting with him, letting him know I/My mom love him. I did touch his hand here and there, but like I said, he wasn't a big emotional person. I wanted to see if he would respond at all...and he did not. That was ok. I was just feeling such a calmness about being there, and such a relief I made it. It just felt right....I was there when my mom passed, and maybe I was meant to be there with him too. Maybe that's why I felt so strongly about going.
My Uncle was a very boisterous, life of the party kind of guy. He was a big guy, very funny, jokester-type. He also was a bit of drinker, always had some whiskey and/or beer whenever I saw him, but over the last several years he cut down, I understand. He was reserved with hugs, but a small one was always given. He knew how much it was to take care of my mom when she was sick by myself, so that really connected us. My mom and he were close, as much as a brother and sister usually are, talked on the phone regularly, saw each other at Thanksgiving and usually in the summers up North where my Uncle had a cabin that my mom/he grew up at in the summer, and ironically my Dad's mom had one about an hour from there too. So over the summer we'd go visit them at their lake, or they would come to our lake. Mostly it was us going to them over the years. I can only remember a few times my Uncle and my cousins coming to our house i.e. for high school graduations.
I did send a text letting them know I was there, and of course they all were like, what?! My cousin asked if I wanted to go over there-- see her new house, meet the boyfriend, and eat dinner w/ them so after sitting for a few hours, I headed over there. Not used to driving in complete black, two lane highways w/ deer and possums. It's been awhile. When I saw her it was almost like no time had passed....we started up where we left off. After we caught up I headed back to the hotel, but stopped again at the hospice house to sit w/ my Uncle. I was worried about him passing and no one being there, so I stayed until around 11:30pm, then headed to hotel. Earlier we had agreed that I would head to the hospice house again around 10:30am on Sunday.
When I arrived the next morning my Aunt, cousin I'm close with, her boyfriend, my other cousin, and my other cousin's son were there. It was an eclectic group in a way. There's drama around the new boyfriend with my other cousin, her sister, so I was surprised to see him there. But, when I walked in, it just felt like family. No awkwardness, even though I hadn't seen them for so long. Unfortunately, my Uncle's breathing was much worse. I had brought two pamphlets I had gotten when my mom passed and shared them w/ the group i.e. what to expect, and one on grief. Sadly, he was showing a lot of the symptoms there wasn't much time. We were all sitting around the room, just watching, long stretches of quiet, then telling stories, catching up, sharing pictures. Then the nurses came in and said they should angle him the other direction to help somewhat w/ breathing. We all went out in the hall and when the nurse came back out she said it's time. He had started having apnea episodes. We all went back in, I just sat at the foot of the bed on the right, my cousin's son at the foot of the bed on the left, my cousin and her sister were at the head of the bed, my aunt by his side (they have been married over 50 years), and my cousin's boyfriend on the sofa near the wall. It took about an hour more of labored breathing on and off, (which was so hard for my Aunt who kept telling him it's ok to go, and shrinking more when he'd start breathing again....and my cousin joking that he still wasn't listening to her) then eventually he stopped breathing, and passed.
I wasn't sure how I was going to feel during and after being there, but all I can say was it was peaceful. I kept watching afterwards, like almost expecting to see his soul rise, or something. I don't know. But, I do know it felt right being there...it felt fitting....and I did ask my aunt before we all headed back in the room if it was ok I was there....she said of course. It's almost like I was bringing a piece of my mom to him, and that was comforting. He passed a little after 1pm, and I was scheduled to leave for my flight around the same time. I told them I guess he wanted to make sure I caught my flight home.
As I was at the airport when my cousin texted this and said, "My Dad and your mom are together again"
I don't know what I believe when it comes to spirits/souls, etc. but I will say that when I flew into town it was storming so bad they shut the airport down, and when I was driving to my uncle's hospice location it was hailing on me. They told me it hardly ever storms like that. My mom passed during a hurricane. Also, her birthday is on the 13th, she passed on the 13th, and my Uncle passed on the 13th. Also, my instinct was right, if I had flown out the next day, on Sunday, I would have missed being there. Something told me to get on that plane and be there. I felt like it was a gift and full circle to be there w/ my mom and uncle during their passing.
I didn't expect I was going to write this whole story out, but when I started writing, it kind of just flowed. I had planned to talk about the following-this was my list when I first drafted:
My girl: theater, basketball tryouts, boyfriend, baking
Me: My Uncle, stalled remodel, crazy schedule
My son: 2nd round of strep, early sept and now Monday this week. get virus on top of that, congestion, etc. Intuition--wheel 100k, wheel 1 mil, football game win by interception. me, sister Dave
Looks like I'll have to pick those topics up next time.
