Update

I am laying here on the sofa in the right frame of mind to fill you all in over the last several weeks/days. 

Summary:  Day before my birthday (Jan 14) I was struggling w/ breathing. Assumed it was allergies. Had to go to urgent care on Jan 15 for a breathing treatment, which seemed to help w/ the wheezing.  However, Mon Jan 16 at around 2pm I got hit w/ fever. After two days of fever I went to Dr. and they thought it was just a virus.  Fever on/off for next several days, but it broke by that Friday so I went to work.  Unfortunately over the weekend, fever came back, wheezing, dizzy spells. So this past Monday I went back to Dr. and they thought respiratory infection so sent me to the family practice Dr.. Dr. thought slight chance of blod clot so sent for ultrasound of leg same day. Sent to ER and admitted to hospital on Monday.  Released Tuesday night. Not well on Wednesday, slight improvements to today.

Back to Monday:
The Family practice Dr. was very nice and thorough...he asked me questions about my breathing etc and was worried that it seemed localized on my left side. He was thinking that it was infection and was going to prescribe a z-pac antibiotic. Just about when we were ready to go he asked me one more question....have your legs been hurting? Interestingly, my calves had been aching like I had worked out. And I certainly hadn't been.  He touched them and they were very tender.
Based on that he decided to send for an ultrasound of legs "just to be sure" and rule out blood clot. I thought you wouldn't have achiness on both sides if blood clot, but hey whatever. I called the diagnostic place right after my appointment and they actually could get me in that day.

Here's when things went downhill. I went over for the test and as I was laying on the table, the nurse went over my right leg, no problem. But when we got to left leg, it hurt pretty bad in upper thigh. She kept going back to that one spot and then started asking me questions like, "Have you been flying, or staying in one spot for a long time?" Immediately I started crying. I knew she had found something.  While all of this was going on, I had been weaning off of the lexapro and was having dizzy spells, about 20-30 a day. During all of this madness.
Once the test was done she told me not to leave and I needed to wait up front. I waited and eventually the Manager came out w/ my test. He told me I had a DVT in my left leg, this was very serious, and I needed to go to the ER immediately. I burst into tears again. He told me NOT to go home, go directly to ER. PANIC set in. Pure fear and panic. Was I going to die? Will the blood clot release and kill me? These were the thoughts in my head.  When I got to the car I just started sobbing. Couldn't even control it.

Ironically one of my best friends had just called and I called him back. I could barely talk to him I was crying so much. I explained what happened and that I needed to go to ER. On way over to ER my realtor/friend called and I told her story. She said she would meet me in ER, but at that time I said no, I'm okay. Really?

I got to the ER on Monday night and it was a madhouse. It was so full, it was unbelievable. I assumed, though, since I had a serious issue I would be moved right in.  So wrong.  I will save the drama of the details of ER, but suffice to say it was ridiculous.  The triage nurse told me I shouldn't come to the ER on Monday, it was a busy place with long waits. What? She seriously said this to me.  People were bleeding from their heads for longer than I was there just waiting to be seen, a little girl about 12 was screaming nonstop due to stomach issue. 

After about 1.5 hours I called another friend who has had blood clots before....she helped me so much because she told me that I should NOT be waiting, this is serious and that 1) I need to call the Dr. who sent me there and have them call hospital. Either to get me in ER asap, or to get me admitted. 2) I needed someone with me.  I followed number 1, but resisted number 2. 

After about 2.5 hours my realtor friend called back and she basically just told me she and her husband were coming to ER. At that point I was so emotionally drained I said yes, that would be great. She told me she could have her husband go to house and take care of cats and get whatever I needed. 
Once they showed up I honestly felt better. I was crying my eyes out when I saw her. She asked me what was going on and I said I had no idea. She also told me to call Dr. back again and I did.  I told him I had yet to be seen and he said he would call them again....he agreed this was not right.

After about another 30 minutes I was called back to see the Dr. If you are squeamish, suggest scrolling past this part.

They looked for veins in my arms/hands to get blood. Because they couldn't find any and tried 4 times, the Dr. came back in and said they were going through my neck....what?!  My realtor/friend was w/ me back in the room and I asked her if she was okay to see this, and she thankfully was so I had someone there through this.
I was laying on the bed and they tilted the bed about 45 degrees toward the floor. I felt the blood rush to my head, then the Dr. came behind my head and asked me to blow out of my mouth. I did, then STAB! he jabbed into my neck. I could feel the blood squirting into the tubes w/ such force....I could also hear it because it was right by my ears....I felt like they were slaughtering me, I am serious.  They got the blood through the IV and it stayed in the whole time. Looks much better than it felt.

Thank the universe my realtor friend was there. I had never been through anything else like this so had no idea what to expect. She also was great to have because she asked a lot of questions I didn't even think to ask.  Once this was taken care of, the Dr. basically said due to the fact that I am pregnant, they can't give me coumadin (SP?) for the clot. They can give me injectables.  They don't like to give you this w/out admitting to hospital for a day or two to make sure you can tolerate, etc..

So, I was admitted to hospital.  My friends stayed w/ me until I got to my room...by this time it was around 11:30pm.  The nurse came in and gave me the blood thinner shot and that was about it.  I tried to get some rest to see what next day would bring.

Next morning I woke up and could hardly breathe....my wheezing was awful. I told the nurse and they came and did a breathing treatment, which helped.  I pretty much laid there most of the day.



Here's where I need to give a shout out to my friends....they were AMAZING.  They all kept checking on me throughout the day, asking if they should come by hospital, etc..I texted updates and this kept me occupied most of the day.

They were so supportive, and when I saw their names pop up on the phone I cried a few times. I just was so thankful for them being in my life and caring so much about me. 
Not going to get into my family, but let's just say I was disappointed once again by them.

The only test they had scheduled was an echo.  The Dr. finally came in around 2:30pm and said they would discharge me that day. I wasn't going to argue, but part of me was wondering, ummmm....all you did was give me a blood thinner shot last night and this morning. You didn't check out my breathing or the baby. But, I didn't argue.

However, shortly after hospital Dr. came, my IVF Dr. called me. Apparently when the hospital Dr. was getting my meds in order, she called his office to check on a few meds he had prescribed. When I was talking to him, he asked if they did an ultrasound...I said no. He asked if they did a chest xray...I said no.  He seemed a bit upset and said I was not leaving until I at least had the ultrasound.  He said he was worried about pneumonia. (Ironically I had called their office earlier in the day to let them know I was in hospital, but my main nurse wasn't there and they wouldn't send me to his voicemail.  I didn't have the energy to deal w/ it, so didn't leave him a message.)
It took another several hours to coordinate the ultrasound. But, did get it done around 6:30pm.

I was then discharged around 7:30pm.

I stopped at the pharmacy on way home to get my medication.  Once home (Tuesday night) I was worried to go to bed. Would the blood clot release? If I was sleeping, how would I know? Could I die in my sleep?  It wasn't very restful, but I did end up sleeping.

Unfortunately Wednesday I felt just awful. The dizziness still there so I decided to take the smallest dose of lexapro to help. My emotions were a disaster and I couldn't handle being dizzy anymore. I didn't have fever, but I still felt flu-like and didn't have energy for anything. And for some reason I had the worst stomach cramping ever.
I just cried and cried on my bed.

My friends kept checking on me and calling which was amazing. I texted updates again to make sure they knew I was okay. A friend was thinking I should stay at their house for a few days after getting out of hospital, but I felt comfortable here. I really just wanted to be in my own bed and my own place. In hindsight, it was tough being by myself and feeling so rotten.

By Thursday I felt a little better, but Thursday night backslide.

My friend came to visit me on Friday, and another friend today.  Visitors very good to have.

As of right now, I don't feel 100% but don't have fever and my breathing is better (think due to antibiotic). I do expect to go back to work tomorrow. I went back to IVF Dr. Friday for followup and the plan is to keep taking the blood thinner shot for now, I will see him in two weeks for another ultrasound where he will then release me to a high risk OB. Good news is baby is growing right on track and Hearbeat is 120 bpm plus. Baby is measuring 7 weeks 3 days.  The ultrasound showed due date of 9-11-12. I hadn't seen that before.
I have been so anxious about how this sickness is affecting the baby...I just can't stop worrying.

My thoughts: I got a respiratory infection which caused the fever....but the blood clot happened due to either being predisposed, laying around due to infection, IVF meds, pregnancy, or combination of some/all.  They did some blood testing to test the predisposition which I will find out if anything showed up next week. But, it's possible we won't know for sure why I got the DVT in my leg. Unfortunately, once you get one, the medicine helps prevent new, but doesn't get rid of one you have. Have to wait for body to do that. So, both Dr.'s have said I may be on this medicine for up to 8 months. What?  And, the shots hurt and sting like a bee. Twice a day.

I have learned a lot over the last few weeks that I will save for another post.  This is enough for one sitting.

Rough times

I don't have the energy to get into this story now, but I had to get admitted to hospital. Unfortunately they found a DVT deep vein thrombosis in my left leg.  We are still not sure that was what was causing all of the fever because I have other symptoms of potential infection.
I have been released and am at home now, but still not feeling well.  Still feeling low grade flu symptoms, having wheezy congestion in chest, dizzy spells, stomach cramping, headache....

I'll update later but I honestly haven't had such a traumatic personal health issue in my life. Lots of tears over last week or so.

Many just today.

One thing I will say is I have the best friends on the planet.

Why

Why can't I recover from this?

My fever finally broke last night and I sweated through my sheets. Not optimum sleeping, for sure. I woke up today and while I didn't feel great, at least I didn't have a fever.

A friend of mine stopped by and I forced myself to get out and have some food (ate some salad finally and some cheese/bread).  Had to go by my house, then I absolutely needed to get some food for my apartment. I had no milk, fruit, protein, snacks, crackers...nothing.

I was very dizzy throughout this afternoon (think that really is due to weaning off meds), but overall I just didn't feel well. 

AND NOW? as I am laying here I am feeling achy all over--starting to get cold again, shivery, and I can bet you that my temperature is going back up. And let's not forget that my back issues are still there and the worst thing you can do is just lay around. I am in a lot of pain/ache from that too.

I am frustrated and honestly want to cry. I have never had anything like this before. It's kind of a lonely place to be and these are the time I miss my mom the most. Okay, now I am crying.


I really think if my fever comes back tonight, or I feel this crappy tomorrow, I need to head back to the Dr. and we need to dig deeper. I am so worried how my high temps are affecting the baby....and as of right now, the only thing I know to do is take tylenol and drink lots of water.

Back to the shower I go.

While I was writing this post I called one of my good friends who has 3 kids of her own and grandchildren. She also agrees that fever typically isn't related to baby, and that it's possible I have an infection going on. She said I should either call or go to the Dr. tomorrow if still not good. But, she is not as worried as she would be if my temp was higher....they have been hovering around 100-ish. Low grade....but man are they persistent.

That's what I will do.

C to F conversion

I only have this thermometer that I can use in Celsius. W/conversion my temperature is over 100...
Fever is definitely back. I need to watch it because this just can't be good for the baby. Oh man....

Ugh

Boy oh boy has this virus thrown me for a loop. I was on the mend Thursday night, and Friday I actually went to work. Very fatigued, but didn't feel feverish, etc..and the dizziness had subsided too. I had only planned to stay half a day, but ended up staying whole day.  Felt pretty good last night and when I got up today.
I went over to my house to meet a contractor (#5) at 9am, and we walked through project. There about an hour, then since didn't have food at my house grabbed some breakfast at mickeys. Came home and decided to relax on sofa.  Took a nap and when I woke up---

WHAM! OMG.  ALL OVER AGAIN! I was cold, achy, everything hurt, I was dizzy again, my appetite was gone.  C'mon, I really almost wanted to start crying. So what did I do? I took another shower--my 15th or so this week. It's making me wonder what the heck....like maybe this is baby sickness (but I really didn't think baby sickness caused fever/aches, etc.)? Maybe it is withdrawal from my medication?  Maybe I can't shake this thing and it's just that nasty? All I know is, I don't feel good. And, to top it off, I need to get some nutrition like fruits/vegetables, and I just don't want any of it. I don't want a freakin salad, I just want some carbs. that's it.  I think that part is baby talking.

Food today: mickey's breakfast, No lunch but snacked on pita chips....wasn't hungry at all....then forced myself to get out of this apartment and get something to eat for dinner. The only thing that sounded good was ice cream. So, drive through again at mickey's. I'm not joking. I almost am embarrassed to write that I did it, but it's the only thing that sounded good. So, I got some ice cream, protein in the form of mcnuggets, a few fries, and water. Then I felt like a donut. Go figure....I went to my fav place and got one, only ate half. That was about enough to put me over the edge.

So ridiculous.....if I wasn't feeling 100% already, OF COURSE this food wasn't going to make me feel all better. I have to admit, though, I feel somewhat better.....not quite as achy and my dizziness is better.
Go figure.

What I really need to do is go to the grocery store. I need to stock up on healthy items so they are here and I can just grab them. If I feel crappy tomorrow, I will ask my friend to shop for me. I don't normally like to ask favors of people, but I can't seem to do it myself.

And yes, this is a time when I'd love someone to be taking care of me.  Refill my icewater when I drink it, bring me some healthy food, just empathize w/ me. Tell me aw, sorry you have a virus or whatever you freakin have.


Aside from all of this, I am not sure how I am feeling weaning off medicine. Take that back, I know that I am feeling more irritable. I'm yelling a bit more at other drivers. I am really really irritated at my sister and I hope she doesn't call me because I'll probably say some mean things.  All true, but I've been very careful for a long time now about how I say things to her.  What I really want to say is you are just like our Dad: emotionally unavailable, you self-diagnose your illnesses and don't use the specialists you need, and you don't have friends because you haven't figured out how to really do that.  Also, you (not my Dad) use me for your emotional blanket when you are feeling down/upset/spiraling out of control.....and when I need something back, forget it. 
For example, just recently she 'broke up' w/ a guy. This guy is not right for her, she knows that....but because she's desperate and lonely, she sent me a text this morning and said she drove up there this weekend. WHAT?! Did you not just cry your eyes out to me on the phone for over an hour the other day because it was over, only to run back there when you couldn't handle it?  She really is a mess right now and I don't have the emotional energy to deal w/ it. It makes me feel like I am wasting my time.....but what it really makes me feel is sorry for her.
She truly has emotional issues and her mind/body can't stay even, constant. There have been so many cycles of up and down over the last three years we started talking more, I couldn't possibly count. It's just not normal. She just doesn't get that because she is living in it. She sees a counselor, but only sparingly because I truly believe she doesn't want to spend the money. She also had started to see  a psychiatrist finally!, but just told me that her local Dr. and she adjusted her medication. I was so frustrated and asked why she didn't go back to the psychiatrist....that's what he's there for. Her response was that she didn't want to drive down there and she's been on this dose before, so it will be fine.  Hey boy.
All the years you've used the 'local Dr.', and are you any better? Than why do you think doing the same thing is going to change it?

At this point, if it is working me up, I need some distance....I recently told her in our last conversation that all of this is not normal. It isn't. She needs intensive therapy, not every now and then. She needs a psychiatrist, not just when she feels like it.  If she keeps doing the same thing, she will stay the same.....she agreed w/ me but I honestly think she said it only to shut me up. This boyfriend is only a symptom of what's underneath....guess what? He's emotionally unavailable....just like her and just like her father. And she knows it...

And now that I had such a bad week and feel bad again today, am I getting texts or calls asking me how I'm doing. ummm....no.

I may come back and erase this because it makes me feel guilty writing it. It may all be true, but for some reason it doesn't feel good capturing it in writing.

I may not last too long w/out my meds either....sheesh.

Home

Still at home today. 3rd day. My fever was starting to get better yesterday, but today I woke up and just couldn't imagine going in office. Still had headache, still having dizzy spells (think due to weaning off meds), and very fatigued. It's funny how the more you rest, the more tired you feel. But, I know I've needed it because I am still sleeping at night and dreaming...that's the sign for me to know I'm not getting too much sleep.  I've basically been cooped up in my apartment, going out only twice for meds and food.

The thing that I worry about is I feel guilty for not being at work. Even though I am legitimately sick, I worry that maybe someone is keeping 'tabs' and thinking I am out too much. Let's face it, I go to the Dr. all the time...for baby (tried to make most of those appointments in the am before work), in past for my back, my counselor. Just all those appointments for my health stuff. Also, I am not an early bird....I get to work usually by 9:30am. That may be really late to some people. And, when I am less busy, I might leave early.  But, know for sure that if something needs to get done and I have to stay until 7-8pm, I'll do that too, no problem.

I think there is a couple of things going on here 1) I am a 'rise to the occasion' kind of person. The more I have to do, the more efficient I am. I work at the last minute, always have.  Things are kind of less busy right now at work so it's hard for me to get really 'into' it.  2) I am really focused on the whole baby journey. It has kind of eclipsed anything else in my world. I am obsessed about it/by it, and work is coming secondary.

I worry about this because I need to be viewed as doing well. This is a small company and there have been some recent changes in our department i.e. some high level folks let go. I know I am a great professional at what I do, no doubts there.  Maybe I need to just give myself a kick in the ass and/or have a talk w/ my new boss about his expectations. Just somehow make sure I am on course. 
Yah....think I'll work on this next week.

Dr. Visit

I had a REALLY rough night last night. Fever, aches, pain all over.....I think I ended up taking 5 showers. Slept on and off and sweated through night. I felt not quite as feverish when I got up this morning, but still had a lot of cramping.  I decided to stay home and make a Dr. appointment.  Better to go check things out.

They were able to get me in and ultimately they think I have a virus causing the fever, etc. They will still follow up on urine sample to see if infection, but found no other bleeding internally. Great news.

Here's even better news...they did an ultrasound to check everything out and the baby is doing fantastic. Yup, you heard that right...baby singular!  I saw on the monitor and actually heard the heartbeat. It was 107 beats per minute which she said was very strong.  It was a bit surreal listening to the heartbeat. It was real and alive in my body.  It all happened so quick that the next thing I knew I was being handed some pictures and given a sheet of what medicine I can take, etc..
Now that we did the ultrasound earlier than next Tuesday, I won't go back in for another check up for two weeks.

The tiny little black circle is my baby.

It's interesting because I was really thinking there were two in there. I felt two distinct areas during implantation time. The longer term planner in me was thinking one and done (one pregnancy, two babies, done) but it goes to show you that your body will do only what it is capable of at the time. More babies = more risk. One baby is a lot less risky for baby and mama. I am just thankful that everything appears healthy.

Although, building my family plays into my exit strategy from corporate america.  I do think that I will ultimately want to find a way to move back to where my extended family is, and find a way to work part time w health insurance...may be hard to do. I've got plenty of time to work on that.

I hesitated putting this in here, but I think it goes to show how I struggle w/ my immediate family. I was talking to my sister shortly after the Dr. appointment. She has been having a tough time because she was dating someone and they decided to stop seeing each other. She is in somewhat of a tailspin, at home, crying, etc.. She has these ups and downs...this down I can understand, but not all of them. Anyway, when I told her The Dr. said I probably just have a virus and that there was one baby she said "oh".  I said, "You sound disappointed". She said, "I am, I wanted you to have two".  Maybe it's me being irritable and sick, but I thought that sounded so selfish. Her first thought was what SHE wanted....why wouldn't the response be, thank goodness you're okay and you at least are lucky enough to have one healthy looking baby.  It's comments like those that make me continue to realize that my emotional support is elsewhere. I guess some piece of me keeps hoping.

Oh, my realtor put my house in market today and we got an offer already, but not what we want. Will see. We also have 3 other showings today. May have competing offers which I can only hope for.

And no, have not heard back from contractor who said he was going to get back to me today. Go figure.

Going to rest now.

Woah

I sit here feeling like I got hit by a big ole truck. No kidding.  Let me back up.....

My birthday party was so nice this past weekend...some great friends from out of town and some local friends all had dinner saturday night, food was good, conversation was good....just overall a great time. I felt the support from all of these people and it lifted me up. 

However, before the dinner on Saturday afternoon I was noticing myself wheezing a bit (this happens sometimes when I react to allergens).  Seemed strange but I pulled out my inhaler as that is the only thing normally that works. For some reason it was getting worse and worse and during Saturday night, and by Sunday I couldn't breathe well at all.

So, I hauled myself to an Urgent care.  Since being early pregnant I didn't know what I could and couldn't do for this i.e. did I already mess up by using the inhaler? I also took one zyrtec to get on top of it. They ended up giving me a breathing treatment (never had to do this before) w/ a nebulizer and medicine to clear out my lungs.  Come to find out, my inhaler medicine was GONE, and even if it wasn't, it was expired. Shows you how much I use it.  The Dr. ordered me a new one, my friend went and got it for me, and I've been able to breathe since. Whew.

Issues over?    No.

I laid around most of yesterday, slept on and off, and of course was up last night about 4 hours from 11-3am. I still got up for work this morning and felt just fine, for the most part.  I did some work and around lunch time went to go get a salad (working on the healthy eating).  Everything was fine until around 2 pm.

I noticed I was starting to get cold, a headache.....then my body started aching. I couldn't concentrate on anything.  Then I started shivering and had goosebumps everywhere. What the heck? In addition, I was having major back cramping and uterine cramping most of today. It was getting worse.  Of course I'm thinking the worst and thought about calling my Dr., but I'm so sick of not getting anyone to call me back. I also thought of just driving over there, but I figured I should just go home, take a shower (that's all I could think of....and usually the only thing that soothes me when I am sick). See how I feel after resting.

It is now after resting and 2 long showers later....I still feel sick.  I am still achy, crampy, not hungry, but not nauseous either.  My chest hurts so bad.  Not sure what's wrong.

It could be A) I just picked up the flu or B) This is what 'morning sickness' is.....or C) Other.

All I know is I feel like doo-doo.

This week

It has been a really interesting week.  For a few specific reasons.....

1) I am tapering down my medication and the first day of that wasn't fun. I was really irritated and thought, if this is how it is going to go, I'm not sure I can do this. But yesterday and today was better. I have to go down again in a few days....I am still nervous about this, but I have to give it my best try.
2) I can't get enough tortilla chips/salt. I've eaten mexican 7 times in the last two weeks. Mostly for lunch. I could seriously just sit and eat chips, nothing else. Love them.
3) I feel like my chest is enormous and I feel overall really fat. I feel like everything is just expanding and there's no reason for it yet. My food intake is no different (I swear). In fact, I'm not hungry for sugary stuff so have really cut down on that. What's the deal? My weight is always a concern, but I am getting a bit anxious about it. It's going nowhere but up.
4) I don't feel pregnant. I have no physical symptoms other than #3 above. It's kind of incomprehensible to think that there is something in there, I hope, and it is growing. I almost thought that I should take another home pregnancy test, but then just told myself that would be just ridiculous. I need to wait for the ultrasound in a week and a half. That's what most of this process has been...hurry up and wait. For every little thing, procedure, milestone.
5) I had a very intense cramp the other night. It was in the middle of my uterus. It stayed for maybe up to a minute, then subsided.  I was very nervous wondering, what the heck is going on. I called the Dr. office the next day, and of course couldn't my nurse. They would 'take a message'. To heck w/ it. I have the cell number of the nurse manager and I just called her directly. Why? BECAUSE SHE CALLS ME BACK! My IVF coordinator is a joke. She doesn't respond to emails/calls and always has an excuse as to why she didn't. Anyway, when I talked w/ the manager, she said that it is normal, I am going to have all sorts of things feel different, strange. I should worry if there is heavy bleeding, or intense cramping on one side or the other (could indicate tubal pregnancy). But for me, since Dr. implanted in uterus, don' tknow how it could be tubal.
6) I have lumps in my backside. The progesterone in oil doesn't absorb quickly and when you press on it, you can feel it. It also started to get itchy so I asked the nurse about that too. She said not to worry about that either...unless I see a rash, or something, that's just normal.
7) It's my birthday this weekend (37!)  My good friends are coming from out of town to stay and I am getting together w/ all my local friends on Saturday night. REALLY happy for this.
8) I am selling the house I just bought a few weeks ago. I tried multiple contractors and nothing seems to 'fit'. Either they don't call back w/ a bid, or it's too high, or I can't even get them to get over to the house in the first place. I signed the papers w/ my realtor this week. We will put the sign out this Saturday. I'm not having luck w/ contractors at all because I was trying to get a lawn guy to do the yard and even that one didn't call back. Jeepers. I have one last ditch effort w/ a house contractor that I will meet this Saturday. No reason not to do both because if we can't get what we need in selling it to at least break even, my plans might change.
9) I am extremely unmotivated at work. I can't seem to bring myself to do much other than surf the web (feel very guilty for this as well). It has been like this for two days.  I even went to work w/out make up because I was running late. Now, I am a 'barely there' kind of make up person and I am very pale. So, if I don't even do the basic, I look washed out and sickly.  I at least brought it with me and did it in my office. But c'mon.

BETA #2

Great news....

BETA #2 17dpt: 1615!!

More than double from Friday (358). Well technically the doubling date would have been Sunday because that was the 2 day mark, but who's counting (well, besides me). I've been obsessing over trying to figure out what the Betas 'mean', could it indicate more than one, etc.. The nurse called me today and said that i will have an ultrasound in 2 weeks, around January 24th. That's really the only way to tell what's for sure going on in there.
I got myself to the gym yesterday and feel proud. I worked out and weight lifted. Sore today, but a good sore. Need to keep going to that gym otherwise I am going to get awfully wide. I can tell in my hips.
Same symptoms to report, chest still sore and still having mild cramping. Overall, though, physically I feel pretty well.  I talked to my other Dr. about the lexapro and we are going to try weaning off it over next 8 days. I go down a dosage for next 4 days, lower again for next 4, then off all together. This makes me very nervous, but clearly is in best health interest for a developing baby.

Oh and the other good news today? My known donor responded back.  I had sent an email before Christmas asking him some questions and hadn't heard anything. I was starting to worry that he had changed his mind about open communication.  However, I got the nicest email and he said he is still quite open to remaining in touch. This is all new ground and things can change on his end at any moment. I have to be prepared for that, I get it. But I just feel better knowing his intention is still to be open (at least for now). Mostly for my hopeful future child. This is why I wanted a known donor and chose him--the option of having open communication, whatever that is defined as (goal to be not intruding on his life), and having the option of not waiting until the child is 18 to do so.

What's kinda nice is I don't have to go to the Dr. AT ALL for another two weeks. What a nice change.

BETA

I went in Friday morning to get my blood taken for THE TEST, then went to work. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. I didn't hear from them and was starting to get frustrated.  By 2pm I had to leave work so I could pick up my cat at the hospital. He's been there since Wednesday. I'll say more about that in a minute.

We get home and FINALLY the phone rings. I am nervous even with the 4 home tests that I did. It's a nurse I hadn't talked w/ before and she said she's calling to tell me what I probably already know. Huh? I said what did she mean? She said a 'little birdie' told her that I had done several home tests and they were all positive. I responded w/ "what little birdie, and did it work?" She said yes it did. I asked her if she could just repeat these words "Your test was positive". So she did. I wanted it to be official.

BETA 14 dpt: 358!!

Turns out a good friend of mine was in the office at the exact moment they were calling me about the results. In fact, she's the one that introduced me to the office years ago.  As soon as I got off the phone w/ the nurse my friend sent me a text--then later called to explain she wasn't stalking, she really was just in the right place at exact moment they called.  I thought it was too funny and timing was just perfect.

I only thought maybe 2 seconds about whether I should tell everyone considering it is so early, things can happen, normally people don't say anything until 12 weeks, yadda yadda.  Well I immediately decided that I'd like my friends/family to celebrate w me as soon as I knew something.  This is a journey of highs and lows and celebrate like crazy the highs, and hope lows are few and far between.

So, as soon as I got off the phone w/ the nurse my cousin happened to call to see if I had results...really good talking w/ her because she has 4 kids herself and obviously has some experience. Then I sent an official text out to all of my friends, some family....and talked to my sister, and a few others.  What stood out to me is that there are a lot of people rooting (SP?) for me and that just made me feel loved. Was on the phone on and off most of last night.

Good news is that I still feel pretty good...my chest is still sore, I still have some cramping, but that's about it.
Next step is normally they do a 2 day beta recheck, but since that would be Sunday, I will do on Monday at 8am. Want to see numbers double.

My cat is home and safe. Dr. can't definitively say it IS congenital kidney disease because the kidneys don't present as such in the ultrasound. They still think he has an infectious component, so I am giving him a steroid for the coughing and strong antibiotic for next month. then we recheck labs. In mean time I will start feeding him canned food, better for water content and digestion for him.  He got a few x-rays, ultrasound, IV, blood taken, and catheter (which they had to redo because he pulled it out one night) while he was there. Poor baby.  The ride home he was all frazzled and meowing a sound I haven't heard, then when we got home and he got a bit more settled he could barely keep his eyes open...same w/ today. He is just exhausted. I can totally understand.

No witty post title tonight

I am having a lot of cramping today...it has gotten more so over that last few days. I am worried, of course, because it feels like monthly cramping, and some of them are pretty strong, both sides. I've searched the internet for hours about cramping during 2ww, cramping after what you might think is implantation cramping, and more cramping! How many times can I say that word in one post? I have 5 days until the blood test...c'mon already....

Oh, and long story short I may sell my new house. You will learn this about me....I can do some unpredictable things sometimes, but I don't stress about it. It always works out.

I met the friend of my realtor today who gave me some more subcontractor names, etc..but what overwhelmed me was the number of subcontractors I'd have to manage and the time commitment. I asked him how often he goes to job site as a general contractor and he said 3 x a day. Umm....what?!  I realize that's what general contractors do, and my original plan was to have a general contractor. First one fell through, another company too much $$$, and it just seems unreasonable for me to do it myself. 

So, I have one last ditch effort w/a contact the guy gave me today. The 'new guy' texted me and we will talk some time this week. I need to see if he is willing and capable of doing some general contract work, costs estimates, etc.. etc..

If I am not comfortable I'll just sell. I already talked to my realtor tonight about what that might entail, and if it's possible to break even. It just may be.

Always something in my world.

Thoughts

I feel like maybe I'm losing my mind.  All I can think about is SMC/Babies/Fertility. I search the internet constantly, read blogs like there's no tomorrow, and get this.....even at the park I went to today and walked the whole thing (so proud of myself because I didn't think I could do it) I kept checking out all of the jogging strollers.

My mind at the park: "Oh, there goes a stroller w/ an infant seat...that baby is probably 4 months old at the oldest...too young to be in a really bumpy stroller, right?...I wonder if the baby is cold? Ooooh, I like that red one, and look, it's got storage at the bottom!  Oh my, I bet these guys are identical twins....I wonder if she had IVF to make them? And on and on for the entire walk around the park......

I'm obsessed.

One thing I notice I am doing....oh wait, I must confess...I did another home pregnancy test today. I thought it would be ridiculous to post another picture of the same thing 3 days in a row....but good news, it was the same.  If only that darn blood test would hurry up.
Back to what I am starting to do....I am starting to be super-hyper sensitive to all feelings going on my body. Any little twinge my mind says "Is that the baby un-implanting?" How many are in there, maybe 2, and one is not strong enough? Could it be burrowing deeper?"  I am also sensitive to the fact that even though the stick reads pregnant, I really don't feel any different.  I am thinking I should be thankful right now since some people start getting all kinds of crazy.....but it just makes me worry, like it isn't real and it didn't work.

I'm obsessed.

A friend asked me today if I was super excited and I honestly had to say not yet. I guess my cautious side is keeping me from celebrating. I did get a pang of excitement when I thought about shopping for my own little one.  The other thing I am worried about is weight. The weight I have now, and the weight I will get. One thing I can control is how much I exercise and that is something I commit to doing regularly.

I hope all of this is normal....maybe not the completely obsessive part, that's just part of my personality.