Ugh

Boy oh boy has this virus thrown me for a loop. I was on the mend Thursday night, and Friday I actually went to work. Very fatigued, but didn't feel feverish, etc..and the dizziness had subsided too. I had only planned to stay half a day, but ended up staying whole day.  Felt pretty good last night and when I got up today.
I went over to my house to meet a contractor (#5) at 9am, and we walked through project. There about an hour, then since didn't have food at my house grabbed some breakfast at mickeys. Came home and decided to relax on sofa.  Took a nap and when I woke up---

WHAM! OMG.  ALL OVER AGAIN! I was cold, achy, everything hurt, I was dizzy again, my appetite was gone.  C'mon, I really almost wanted to start crying. So what did I do? I took another shower--my 15th or so this week. It's making me wonder what the heck....like maybe this is baby sickness (but I really didn't think baby sickness caused fever/aches, etc.)? Maybe it is withdrawal from my medication?  Maybe I can't shake this thing and it's just that nasty? All I know is, I don't feel good. And, to top it off, I need to get some nutrition like fruits/vegetables, and I just don't want any of it. I don't want a freakin salad, I just want some carbs. that's it.  I think that part is baby talking.

Food today: mickey's breakfast, No lunch but snacked on pita chips....wasn't hungry at all....then forced myself to get out of this apartment and get something to eat for dinner. The only thing that sounded good was ice cream. So, drive through again at mickey's. I'm not joking. I almost am embarrassed to write that I did it, but it's the only thing that sounded good. So, I got some ice cream, protein in the form of mcnuggets, a few fries, and water. Then I felt like a donut. Go figure....I went to my fav place and got one, only ate half. That was about enough to put me over the edge.

So ridiculous.....if I wasn't feeling 100% already, OF COURSE this food wasn't going to make me feel all better. I have to admit, though, I feel somewhat better.....not quite as achy and my dizziness is better.
Go figure.

What I really need to do is go to the grocery store. I need to stock up on healthy items so they are here and I can just grab them. If I feel crappy tomorrow, I will ask my friend to shop for me. I don't normally like to ask favors of people, but I can't seem to do it myself.

And yes, this is a time when I'd love someone to be taking care of me.  Refill my icewater when I drink it, bring me some healthy food, just empathize w/ me. Tell me aw, sorry you have a virus or whatever you freakin have.


Aside from all of this, I am not sure how I am feeling weaning off medicine. Take that back, I know that I am feeling more irritable. I'm yelling a bit more at other drivers. I am really really irritated at my sister and I hope she doesn't call me because I'll probably say some mean things.  All true, but I've been very careful for a long time now about how I say things to her.  What I really want to say is you are just like our Dad: emotionally unavailable, you self-diagnose your illnesses and don't use the specialists you need, and you don't have friends because you haven't figured out how to really do that.  Also, you (not my Dad) use me for your emotional blanket when you are feeling down/upset/spiraling out of control.....and when I need something back, forget it. 
For example, just recently she 'broke up' w/ a guy. This guy is not right for her, she knows that....but because she's desperate and lonely, she sent me a text this morning and said she drove up there this weekend. WHAT?! Did you not just cry your eyes out to me on the phone for over an hour the other day because it was over, only to run back there when you couldn't handle it?  She really is a mess right now and I don't have the emotional energy to deal w/ it. It makes me feel like I am wasting my time.....but what it really makes me feel is sorry for her.
She truly has emotional issues and her mind/body can't stay even, constant. There have been so many cycles of up and down over the last three years we started talking more, I couldn't possibly count. It's just not normal. She just doesn't get that because she is living in it. She sees a counselor, but only sparingly because I truly believe she doesn't want to spend the money. She also had started to see  a psychiatrist finally!, but just told me that her local Dr. and she adjusted her medication. I was so frustrated and asked why she didn't go back to the psychiatrist....that's what he's there for. Her response was that she didn't want to drive down there and she's been on this dose before, so it will be fine.  Hey boy.
All the years you've used the 'local Dr.', and are you any better? Than why do you think doing the same thing is going to change it?

At this point, if it is working me up, I need some distance....I recently told her in our last conversation that all of this is not normal. It isn't. She needs intensive therapy, not every now and then. She needs a psychiatrist, not just when she feels like it.  If she keeps doing the same thing, she will stay the same.....she agreed w/ me but I honestly think she said it only to shut me up. This boyfriend is only a symptom of what's underneath....guess what? He's emotionally unavailable....just like her and just like her father. And she knows it...

And now that I had such a bad week and feel bad again today, am I getting texts or calls asking me how I'm doing. ummm....no.

I may come back and erase this because it makes me feel guilty writing it. It may all be true, but for some reason it doesn't feel good capturing it in writing.

I may not last too long w/out my meds either....sheesh.