Hard to believe, isn't it? A whole year has gone by and here we are. New Year's Eve of 2024. We've taken to staying home for this holiday and do 'little' fireworks w/ the 3 of us, or whatever neighbor might be around in our cul-de-sac.
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| Our haul from the yellow box shop in front of the grocery store. A little of everything. |
Today I took a bunch of kiddos to the roller rink this afternoon--my girl and her friends Parker and Macy, and my son/his friend Aarav. It worked out well because Tuesday's are cheap skate day $5 admission, both my kids have roller blades, so for a few dollars you can have 3 hours of fun! Also, my girl's friend Selina met us over there w/ her cousin and little sister. Kid's really enjoyed it, good music, good times.
We've needed some time to recuperate from Christmas because the week before the holiday my girl went to a birthday party for our neighbor's grandkids at a gymnastics place (maybe Dec 14 or 15). I knew before she went it might not be the best idea because they are filthy....well, sure enough a day or so later she starts coughing/congestion, achy, etc.. No fever, thank goodness but it really took her out during exam week and she even stayed home on that Wednesday Dec 18th. She was able to take all of her tests, but man was she sick. I saw our neighbor last week and she said 2 of the 3 grandkids got the same thing and were coughing up a storm. GRRRR....if that wasn't bad enough, my girl was sick for a whole week, THEN....both my and my son's throats started to hurt, coughing, congestion and WE got sick right in time for Christmas. So sad. We were sick through the holiday and just over the last few days have we all started to finally feel better. It's been rough.
Nothing like being sick over the holidays. It made for a so-so visit when my sister came. She flew in on the evening of the 21st and went home on the 27th. In a nutshell, I still have high hopes for when she visits, and often times I just get let down. I really just struggle w/ her when we are in person together. The last time I saw her was last December, but we talk on the phone almost every day. I was already feeling sick and irritable, thus I got a bit more anxious....so it started going downhill when my sister asked to drive my daughter to a store, just she/her. My sister is a terrible driver. Really just bad. At first I tried to show her a 'back way' to go to the store so there wouldn't be much traffic, but she complained about that idea. Then the next day when she wanted to go I just said no. I don't want her driving her. I'd rather have my sister mad, then worry as much as I would. So when I told her no, she just started saying why not? What's different now? Just totally not rolling w/ it and saying ok, no problem. THEN, she gets her feelings hurt and shuts down. Totally stops talking to me. She can sit there for hours without saying a word. In addition to the icing out, she can just be so selfish. She plops herself down on the first day and doesn't offer to help with lunch or dinner or cleaning up. Nothing. That upset me a lot because we've discussed this before and I've explained how when she comes, it's not vacation...I don't want another person to 'take care of', I need her help. Her behavior reminds me a lot of my Dad. Like her eating all the guacamole in one sitting and not even asking if anyone wanted some. Her not noticing how sick I was feeling and when I asked her to make the rice for dinner she refused saying she didn't know how. I fussed back and said READ the box!
There's a lot of little things, but there's a lot behind those little things....She's had some backslides in self-medicating i.e. abusing prescription medication. No idea what she takes and when. It's just non-negotiable to me when it comes to my kids. In addition to that, she is just emotionally fragile. The thing is, she's like a little turtle....she comes out of her shell, feels upset or mad, then puts her head back in the shell and stays there. It's not fun to be around at all. It's very stressful for me and triggering for me when she gets quiet because then I wonder ok, is she sick, is she mad? What's going on? I read online about this behavior and it's like emotional manipulation. She feels the "I'm mad" so Im going to control the situation by not talking. Also, she reminds me a lot of my Dad. She can be negative, you feel like you walk on eggshells, no idea what they are thinking, selfish. It got to the point where I had had it because I just felt so much stress and tension. I wasn't enjoying myself at all. So when the kids were outside playing I laid it out and said look, I'm not going to take the silent treatment anymore. I have a right to decide what my children do. Stop being selfish (example 1, 2) and start thinking of others and start helping. I got upset and was crying....because there had just been so much tension built up. I was not feeling well and spent a lot of time in my room...some because I was sick and some because I just didn't want to be around her, her attitude, and her behavior.
It just wasn't a good visit, for the most part. I didn't feel well...she had her struggles....I probably wasn't the nicest to her when I was upset, I will admit that. But I think a lot of it falls in the...I'm disappointed bucket. I hope and hope that she can be the person I want her to be.....and she just falls short. The thing is....how she behaved this time wasn't new. I'm in a place where I don't know how to change my expectations to just step back and realize she's a somewhat broken person. She has physical and mental health struggles and that's just who she is. She hasn't been able to be consistent and strong for me, so that I can rely on her. We've had periods of trying, things improve....and here's the most interesting thing....over the phone, as much as we talk....it's so much better when we talk on the phone?! How is it that with all the conversations we have, me helping her /w her business, etc.. that when it's in person, it just falls apart?
I don't know.....I guess I just have to try and focus on controlling what I can, and focus on my own well being.
I can't say the entire holiday was a bust....the gift giving went extremely well this year! I had started shopping and organizing in Oct or so, so by the time the holiday was here I only had a few things to do. It was WAY less stressful so I think I will keep that up. Also, I ended up going back to using a spreadsheet to keep who's giving what to who so I could not drive myself crazy w/ trying to remember. That worked out great. My girl's 'big gift' was a really large lego set with trees, ziplines, etc. and my son's was a soccer goal that fits between the two trees in our cul de sac 12 ft by 6 feet. Really pleasantly surprised w/ the quality. Of course he guessed it when he saw the long box wrapped next to the tree.
I tried to think through what all happened in 2024 but I'm going to have to re-read my blog to remind myself. Overall I think we had a good year....oh, and the best thing yet? My son over the last week or so has been in such a good mood it's like a new kid is in the house. He said he's gotten better sleep, so I know a lot of his struggles are related to being tired. We've had a lot of fun together.
I have a big birthday coming next year. I have some feelings about it. I'll explain more after I get there.
Happy New Year and here's to a great 2025!!!
