Happy Thanksgiving!

The kids went back to school today after the long holiday week off.....and overall it was...nice. We didn't go anywhere and the only thing I had to do was buy brussels sprouts....I literally just learned something--my entire life I thought is was brussel sprouts with no S on the end, but the red line kept coming up saying it was spelled wrong. I looked it up and sure enough there is an S on the end of it--brusselS sprouts.  Who knew? 

So, I knew I didn't want to fly anywhere and just wasn't sure what we were going to do. Around Monday last week our neighbor mentioned their extended family (5 of them) were coming to visit and we were more than welcome to join them for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Secretly I had been hoping we were going to be invited because I was wanting a bigger get together than our immediate family, but didn't want to cook or travel.  We've done a lot of different things to celebrate this holiday--gone to our extended family in Wisconsin, gone to New Orleans to visit friends, stayed at home and made a full spread, stayed at home and did a staycation night at a hotel....and that's also what we decided on this year. We decided to do the hotel on Wednesday to Thursday, then we'd meet up with our neighbors on Thursday afternoon.

We tried a new hotel this year which took a lot of convincing w/ the kids. They are set on the E hotel, since we've gone to both of the close ones over the years. However, I was not thrilled w/ their pool situation (not heated and not super clean) so I decided we should go to a homewood suites. I used to stay at them all of the time when I traveled to Colorado for work and I just loved the 2 room suites, the full size kitchen, having dishes, etc.. They are usually pretty nice. AND, it did not disappoint. The biggest hit was their gym.  My son has been asking and asking to be able to do a treadmill, etc. It was fully equipped with cardio and weights so we spent 3 separate trips to it enjoying the new experience--well, me supervising and coaching them. They also had a put put green which we did a few times as well. And finally swimming in the morning on the next day. What was great is that we got to do the activities all by ourselves with noone else around. The hotel was full as was seen at the social Wednesday evening (best chocolate cake ever I let the kids have 2 pieces!), and at the breakfast the following morning. But, it didn't feel like it at all. I think the only bummer was I gave the kids the king bed and I slept on the pull out...kinda not the best sleeping arrangement, but I tried to get some rest, and woke up awfully stiff. Both kids enjoyed it and said YAY to coming back again sometime.

After we left the hotel we had to stop at the grocery store on Thanksgiving day to pick up the brusselS sprouts, cinnamon sticks (per request from neighbor), and ingredients to make corn casserole (my contribution). I didn't realize just how many people are last minute shoppers like us to where it was unbelievable crowded from parking lot to store to checkout. Couldn't wait to get outta there.

The holiday itself was nice--we went to neighbors around 3pm with warm corn casserole just baked. This is a good example of a time when I'm actually glad my kids are older. The guests had 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 1. You have to actively supervise, chase, cut up food, etc. which I gladly watched the mom do (ok I did go after the baby a few times as she climbed the stairs)...but I remember those days and it always seemed stressful to me trying to wrangle the kiddos all by myself. I remember feeling quite anxious, especially at someone else's house worried what they were getting into...sweating a lot.  This year I got to kick back, watch everyone else run around, and enjoy myself while my kids played quite well with the neighbor kids and checked in with me every now and then to give me hugs and kisses. I didn't move from that spot only to get more food for 4 hours. Of course I did ask if I could help in the kitchen, etc. but when they said no, I gladly walked back out.  Our other older neighbor couple came as well (well I kinda organized that one) because the woman told me she was so sad because all of her kids weren't coming this year as they always do. I said she should come with us to the other neighbor but she didn't want to invite herself. So, I texted them and asked them to invite her....it worked out really well. I sat next to them for most of the time and all the adults just gabbed, answered questions from some card game....and just enjoyed the food.

On top of that, I actually put up my outside christmas decorations before even December 1st! I haven't put the bushes lights on in many years, but I guess I had a bit more energy to just go for it. My girl also got all the holiday inside decorations out and I let her go to town. She loves decorating...well, just that part. She doesn't like the cleaning and preparing to decorate part. Our tree is up with just lights for now...our regular lights of 8 years finally gave out so had to buy new, and of course I'm particular about how bright they are ( I like the very dim), I had to buy a few sets to get the right ones.

Of course nothing is without a few bumps...last weekend the kids were starting to really go downhill in behavior...lots of bickering, arguing with me, etc and I kinda had to set 'em straight. It was getting to the point where no matter what I asked them, there was a murmured comment or outright backtalk about why they shouldn't have to do XYZ. It wasn't pretty as I got upset Sunday night and as were were driving into town on Monday morning for an appointment, I told them we were having a family meeting in the car. Before we left I asked them to think about how things were going and be prepared to share their thoughts and feelings. I started off by saying I was disappointed in their behavior, I thought they were acting disrespectful, gave them examples, etc. Then I had both of them take a turn to express how they were feeling. Then, I asked them to think about what they needed from the other people and each got a turn to say, Mom, I need you to X, Brother, I need you to X.....then finally, we wrapped it up with what each person was going to work on. I was SO SO proud of that meeting because it was one of the first times my girl really openly shared her thoughts and feelings, and verbalized them without significant prompting, and my boy was able to share a few things with his sister that she likely didn't realize i.e. that she shuts him down a lot when he tries to speak. She shushes him a lot...when she's feeling irritable unfortunately he is her target and she lashes at him...but to be fair, he silently provokes her with just getting in her space and refusing to move when asked, as an example. I think the re-set discussion went well because we all felt a bit lighter and things shifted after that. Thankfully....which made for a nicer rest of the week.

I'm working on a shift in medication which started Nov 11 and hasn't been the easiest. I haven't changed medication in 8 years. I am ramping up the new one while going down on the old one. The earlier part of the week when it was time to stop the old one--for about 3 days I started getting quite dizzy, lots of vertigo, etc. and it was progressively getting worse. The on call Dr. said he wanted to go even slower w/ the tapering down. Once we added it back in I felt much better. It wasn't lost on me that the days I was struggling a bit and irritable were also the days the kids were the same way. It's going to take some time to see how this new medication is working better, the same, worse, etc.. I will say that in some ways it seems somewhat better in that I feel a bit lighter? The overwhelming feeling of heaviness that made it hard to just do stuff seems lighter?....but time will tell.  I think the best thing to come out of the expensive personal training sessions (which I do not plan to renew, don't see high enough value and the owner was very pushy about it) was that I realized that if I was working out, eating better, drinking less caffeine and Still not feeling much better, something else was going on. The process of elimination made me realize that maybe it was time to try a new medication. I might not have done it otherwise. And for that, the training was worth it. Like I said, will see how it goes.

With kids back to school today our schedule starts back up....my girl was successful in getting the Prop Leader role this time for the musical they will be doing instead of a play. She started her first rehearsal tonight with more Wednesday and Saturday. Tomorrow my son starts basketball practice twice a week, once Tuesday once Friday, games pick up in January on Saturdays. I know December will fly by so I should at least wish you all:

Happy Holidays!

PS Sunflower thank you for taking the time to respond to my last post on families. It really is helpful to hear how other families discuss amongst themselves and what terminology is used.

Families

Ever since the kids were little I've always talked about our family in terms of we have a mom, brother, sister, and we don't have a Dad. Early on I would tell them that many families are unique and some have no mom, some have two dads, etc.. to let them know that families are built in all kinds of ways. I would say that not all families have Dads and that because I wanted a family, I chose to have a man friend help me (because children are made from a man and woman), and the Doctor helped me. It was the simplest way I could describe it when they were younger. That seemed to suffice to help them understand that it's ok our family is different and answer why we didn't have a Dad.

Of course as the kids got older the questions started coming like, "Why don't we have a Dad?" I've gone into more detail about the fact that I didn't find the right man that I wanted to marry but I still wanted children, so I decided to have them on my own. As they've matured they've also asked more in depth questions like, "Why didn't you find the right man?" and I've always told them the truth that I didn't find one I liked enough to get married and have a family. I've shared that I always thought I would get married, didn't plan to not get married, and would have liked to--and still would consider it with the right person (of course prenup involved). But, I've told them that I didn't want to just settle on someone that wasn't right for me. I've made that very clear. They've also asked questions like, "Where does he live?" and I've told them., "What does he look like?"  which I've showed them all the pictures I have of when he was young up through adult. I've told them details like how tall he is, that he likes soccer. I've told my girl that she looks just like him, that's where her gorgeous curly hair comes from. I'm very open about any and all questions they have. My girl has even asked if she can meet him and I've said yes, when she gets older if she's wanting to we could have that conversation. My son hasn't expressed at all anything about meeting him, but maybe he will when he gets older.

My girl used to say that she wished we had a Dad so he could take brother out and play sports with him, etc. and keep him busy. Basically her way of saying she wanted individual time with mom and didn't want to share me as much. When she brings this up I say yes it would be nice to have two parents and I can understand why would feel that way i.e. validated her feelings. But, over time I've also tried to help them realize that not all Dads are like the cartoon Bluey. Some Dads don't like sports, some just watch a lot of TV (like mine did), and some aren't even involved in their kids' lives and not all Dads are great. I think they for sure have rose colored glasses on that if you have a Dad they are amazing. As an adult of course I know better, but they don't. My son has also said over the years he wishes he had a Dad. It's not often, but when he expresses it I have found that the best way to respond is to tell him yes, I understand how you feel and that I feel that way too sometimes. I say that there are some things that would be easier with two parents, for sure.

It started to get a little complicated because at school of course a lot of kids have Dads. My girl would tell me everyone in her classes had Dads except her (which I'm sure wasn't true) but that's the way she felt. I also remember a year or so ago my son telling me that a school friend asked him about his Dad and he said he told the boy he didn't have a Dad--because that's how we've described our family ever since the kids were little. The kid told him everyone has a Dad. My son insisted to the boy he did not.  So when he told me this story I had to try and explain the difference between Father and Dad.  That yes, everyone does have a father because children are made by parts of a man and parts of a woman. In order to create a child you do need both. However, that doesn't always mean that the Father is part of the family.  When a father is part of the family he is a Dad.  In essence, everyone always has a Father, but not everyone has a Dad that lives in their family.  That's not an easy concept to understand for younger kids.  I decided to try and make it more clear that everyone has a biological father, and for my son, that person is a friend of moms. However, he is not part of our family and is not a Dad.  So, after that discussion we would talk and say that yes, you do have a Father because everyone does, but we do not have a Dad in our family. I think the concept is more understood now that the kids are a bit older.

I've specifically used the word Friend instead of donor because that's actually the way I see it. We met before the kids, he's known to me, and we've stayed in contact over the years via email. It's been a few years now, but whenever I have reached out he's always responded.  The other thing I've thought about is when the kids were younger, I told everyone our story when they asked....that I didn't meet the right person, decided to have on my own through IVF, etc. and that's how our family was built. Over time, I've found myself being a bit more closed and careful about what I share with who. I think as the kids got older I felt a bit more protective and feeling like it isn't anyone's business unless I decide to share. In fact, in my son's group of friends I've only said that I am single and he's not had a Dad in his life. That's it. I'm sure they wonder because I'm a single stay at home mom....so that adds another element of, uh, how can she do that, where does she get money? But no one has outright asked me more in depth questions about the kid's lack of Dad. So, I've not shared. That's likely the way I'll be going forward. In fact, no one in my girl's group of friends have asked anything at all. It is kind of interesting, though, because in fact, all of my kids' current friends have two parent households with Dads.

As far as I'm aware, when my kids have told other kids we don't have a Dad, they kind of accept it and move on. Unless of course the random conversation about how everyone has a Dad. My kids have never said anyone has said anything hurtful or negative about our family structure....until now.

This week when my son and I were driving home from his allergy appointment he proceeds to tell me about a conversation he and Ata had at school that day. He said that one of his teachers was out and a sub was there. She was a younger sub and apparently told the class that she may know some of the student's older brothers or sisters. I guess Ata shared that maybe the sub would know his (half) brother or sister and my son said to him that she probably doesn't. (Something to this effect). And Ata then turns to my son and said, "Well you don't even know what your Dad looks like!".

Gut punch.

Of course technically that's not true, but I asked my son how did that make him feel and what did he say? He told me he thought that it was really offensive and he was really offended by what he said. I absolutely agreed with him and told him it was totally inappropriate to say something like that and I'm sorry that happened. I said that I would probably reach out to Ata's mom and my son was totally on board with that. In fact, he asked me a few times that evening if I had done so. I reached out to his mom via text and asked her if we could chat the next morning. She texted she was on a plane but would like to text about it. Clearly not the kind of topic to text about so I said no worries, we would talk soon.  She texted me right away the next day and asked to chat. To her credit, she started off by saying she had talked to her son that morning and I guess got the gist of what the conversation was about. She said she was so sorry that Ata said that to my son and she really was at a loss for words. She knows our family is unique and that we don't have a Dad. She provided some context to Ata's reaction and said that apparently there is some family drama and Ata hasn't seen his half brother who lives in Turkey in about 3 years--which she said she didn't know was hurtful or bothering her son as much as it was. It seems my son's surprise that he had not seen his brother hit a nerve with him and he lashed out. She explained that she of course told him that when you are hurt, hurting others is not the way to handle it. She said Ata felt very sad about hurting my son and was going to apologize the next day. I stayed very calm and said I know the boys will get through this and I appreciated her conversation. I reiterated that I hoped she would talk further to Ata about the fact that not all families are the same and she said of course she would. I think she handled it well (as did I) and I could tell she was very embarrassed about the situation.

Last night I asked my son about whether Ata came to him at school yesterday and he said yes, he did come and apologize. I asked him what he said in response and he told me that he told Ata , "That's just not going to cut it". I was surprised by his reaction but told him son, you absolutely can feel how you feel about the situation and if you aren't ready to accept his apology, that was fine. He said he wasn't ready.

Of course kids do and say mean things sometimes but I wasn't prepared for a 9 year old kid to hit so below the belt. That was just a cruel thing to say and I felt a mixture of being so angry and just sad that because my son's family is different...through no fault of his.....a kid used that against him to be so ugly. 

The good news is, my son is very resilient. He's a smart, very sweet, (sometimes stubborn and persistent) sensitive old soul that is very empathetic to other's feelings. He's got a wide vocabulary which he uses to describe what he thinks and how he feels.  I know he will be fine and will continue to be friends with Ata, but it doesn't mean he will forget about this situation.  It really did affect him.

In the comments I'd be interested to hear anyone else's experiences about lack of Dad, how it's discussed in your family, etc.