Lupron Livin'

Today was the day....I started taking the steroid/aspirin and had my first shot of Lupron tonight at 7pm. This really "officially" starts my IVF medications. Oh boy oh boy.  I went to the Dr. office today and had my baseline ultrasound. She called and told me it was good, so I could begin.

In order to start off the night right, I dug into these.....my holiday favorite.

The shot itself was just fine. I've had to give myself subcutaneous shots before (in fat parts of belly) and it is no big deal for me.

I finally got all of my medications, and my apartment complex was nice enough to bring the boxes all to my apartment because I couldn't get here by 6pm. Although, some of the medications were here since Saturday when I was out of town--and they were supposed to be refrigerated. I am really hopeful they aren't 'messed up' because they were in the staff office mostly likely NOT refrigerated for 3 days.

Here is a list of the RX and supplements I will take for this cycle (not all at the same time, but throughout)

• Lupron, Follistim, Menopur--inject in belly
• Dexamethasone
• HCG Shot--inject in rear
• progesterone in oil--inject in rear
• Doxycycline
• aspirin
• vivelle patch--put on skin
• vicodin
• Vitamin E, CoQ10, Folic Acid
• Omega 3
• Birth Control
• valium

I am not joking here....16 different things!!  That's why when I first looked at my medication sheet I got a bit nervous.  I got myself back together by just trying to think...one day at a time.

How I feel right now is BLOATED w/ a capital B. OH wow....not sure why, but I feel like I am about to bust out of my pants....my shirt is pulling in my chest area.  It's been like this for a few days. I only expect it to get worse because they have me on a steroid for several weeks. I haven't asked why. Usually I don't let this stuff go, but I've been worried about other stuff.

Something that has gotten me thinking about my blog is--what can I write about that is unique? When I read other blogs, a lot of what I write is very similar. A lot of the same concerns, excitement, fears....I am afraid, nervous, worried about X, Y, Z..We are all just in different stages of the same process.  So, I was thinking of how to spice this up, and make this more interesting than a report out....and I'm going to noodle on it for awhile.
In the meantime, report out it is....
Next step is I have my hysteroscopy on Friday. A good friend is taking me (thank goodness).  Then I am set to go to the office for monitoring a lot up until the retrieval and transfer.  I can hopefully, before then, get my insurance situation nailed down for the anesthesia for the egg retrieval. I mentioned before they will bill for the hystero (so it is covered), and will not bill for egg retrieval.  Both me and my insurance company don't get it, so the insurance specialist at the Dr.'s office is going to try and see if they can't get them to bill for the Egg R.

Honestly one of the most stressful part about this process has been getting the medications lined out w/ delivery and the insurance parts.  Sheesh.

Wish me luck that my body and my mind can tolerate what I will be doing to it over the next month.

Oh the holidays.....

What a quick couple of days. I flew out on Thanksgiving day to see my extended family. It was actually a very smooth travel day...pretty quiet at both airports.  I got my rental car and arrived at my uncle's house around 3pm.  We sat around, chit-chatted, then had some good food. I couldn't get enough....food that is. I had a LOT to eat these last few days.  My sister did come, which was really good.  I don't know if I mentioned this before but she had bariatric surgery due to weight--just about a year ago. She's lost over 100lbs and looked good for awhile, but now she is way too thin. She looks skeletal. I think her idea of how much she eats is WAY off i.e.she thinks she eats a lot, and it really is bird-like. I know she is not getting enough protein (supposed to have 80 grams a day) and enough iron.  In fact, on Friday she wanted to go shopping so we went to several stores and shopped for about 6 hours. That night when we were supposed to be at a birthday party she got sick w/ a migraine and I had to take her home after being there for 5 minutes.  After I got back that night I got her a few pieces of bread to eat and some water.  The next day I told her that she probably hadn't eaten enough and she told me she ate a lot. Ummmm what?  Here's what she ate.  Breakfast-2 pieces of toast. Lunch-tortilla chips, artichoke dip, 1/4 of a hamburger. Dinner-none. Late night-2 pieces of bread w/ butter.
She has gone to the extreme the other way.  It is frustrating because she doesn't realize how sick she is starting to look.  And, she hasn't had any major health breakdowns because of mal-nutrition, so thinks it is fine.  Put it this way, she is 6'1 and wears a size 6 and fits into a size 4. She used to wear a 26, I think. I do get that she is an adult and it is her responsibility to take care of herself.....but I still feel it's important to remind her all the time about her food, her protein, her nutrition. AND unfortunately my aunt told my sister she doesn't look too thin. Are you kidding me? So later that night my sister said "See, I told you I'm not too skinny". ARGH. I don't know what to really do about all of that right now.

The thing that surprised me the most is how much this trip brought out my intense fears around having a baby on my own. I seriously started to get anxious and worried, and doubt kept creeping in.
For several reasons.......
1) Being with family made me realize I have no family back up here (or even just back-up).  Most of my friends are single, professional and work during the day. It's really just me.
2) Child care.  My cousin has 4 kids and I don't think has a full appreciation for how great she has it w/ her mom (my aunt) being her nanny--and they pay her peanuts. I don't have family to help out w/ this, and need to think through what this might look like. Nanny Live-in? Live out? Day care? Any option very expensive.
3) Physical.  I watched my cousins and their little ones. They hardly sat down at all. They were up every other minute doing something with someone, somewhere.  I got tired just watching. W/ my worry about my back, could I really keep up?
4) No partner.  Several times I saw them say, "hey can you do X, while I do X"....or "can you go get that for me"....even the simple things were made easier because there were 2 of them.
5) House Renovation.  Many of my family members questioned remodeling, really "gutting" a house, while in early stages of pregnancy. Was I sure that's what I wanted to do? Wouldn't it be easier if I found one already done?  Well, yes it would....but it wouldn't be as good of an investment. Did I bite off more than I can chew?
6) Work.  I make a really good living doing what I do for a profession. I don't worry about money and am thankful for that. BUT, if I decide I wanted to do something else, or work part-time...what else could I do and still have same earning potential? What would that be? Will I eventually feel stuck in a job/career path because I can make a very good living, and need the insurance for my family, even if I am not in love w/ it?
7) Medication.  Can my body tolerate the over 10 medications I will soon be swallowing, injecting, or putting on my body?

I think that about covers all of the thoughts running through my mind. It was really uncomfortable feeling all of these emotions in such a short time period. This is not an easy process.....it is so funny because I didn't have all of this when I went through the IUI's.  I was very ho-hum about the whole process. And now? Not so much. Having a lot of fear. I honestly don't think I've had this much fear about anything before.

On a good note, though, is when I flew back in last night I got in my car and started heading home from the airport....and immediately I started to feel better. Like some weight lifted off and I thought to myself, "I can do this". I started thinking about all of you women I read about every day who are doing this too. I got online the minute I got in the door and started reading....and felt so much better. I didn't realize the support this blogging community is bringing me....really, just being out there for me to find insight, support, and reminding me that I'm not alone. I'm normal. I can do this.

Again, I go back to how I feel. I don't have an intense feeling about NOT going forward with this yet. So, I am pushing through my fear and taking it one step at a time. It's tough, not going to lie. But something my friend told me today has helped and I might just tell myself this regularly.  I am focusing on the what-ifs? the negatives....but what about the what-ifs? the positives?  I could meet someone next week, I could never get a disease and be around for my child for a long time, I could be so in love with my child that all of this won't matter. That's certainly a better way to think about this, for sure.

Good Golly

I had my appointment yesterday with the IVF nurse.  I had some questions on whether we could move forward in December or not with my Doctor. Before I paid the $150 consult fee, I wanted to be sure.

And yes, we can move forward in December.  It will be cutting it close for whether my Dr. can do the transfer, but in my case he would allow the other Dr. to do it if he could not (not sure why I was initially told he doesn't have the other Dr. do?).  Given the timing, my Doc will most likely be the one to do the egg retrieval (which seems more complicated to me, so I'd rather have him for this step anyway), and depending on whether they do a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer, he might be able to do it. I did some research on which is better, and it all depends on embryo quality, numbers of them, etc..My nurse said they don't decide until they see what they have to work with...but some sites say that 5 day is better because they have more time to grow, and fall out of process if not good. And some say 3. Guess I'll just go w/ it.

The one thing I wasn't prepared at all for was the significant amount of medication for the month that this entails. I counted like 10 medications!  Good Golly!! Like 4 different injections, steroids, antibiotics, aspirin, etc.. it's unreal. I have this calendar and it is full everyday starting on November 29th. For some reason it hadn't dawned on me how much medication, monitoring, and commitment it will take to do IVF. Wow. When I think back to the IUI's, they were relatively easy. Take some pills on C.D 3-7, a few ultrasounds, one shot, and done)

And, when I was at the Dr. office for the consult I was actually nervous.  Really nervous. Just thinking about going through w/ this, what it will do to my body (inclusive of all meds for IVF), the responsibility, all of it.
I still haven't had the 'gut' instinct to not move forward. But I can say a lot of fear has crept in. Not having supportive family around, etc..I worry.

Totally off the subject, but the other thing I wonder is do people actually read my blog?  I don't get comments often, and just wonder? I suppose this is as much a journal as it is seeking out advice from people who have been there done that. Blogging is funny that way...I wonder how people end up w/ so many followers?

I signed up at the Gym. Thank goodness.

Sunday

I am re-writing my commitment to sign up at the gym today. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, and didn't get up until 11:45am today. I don't need that much sleep. So now, I feel groggy and lazy. I must go to the gym.  I will write in my blog this week to confirm that I did it today.

Surprise my IVF coordinator called me on Friday night at 6pm (had I not heard from her I'd have been pretty upset since I emailed her on Wednesday).  We talked about my two questions and I found out that the Dr. will be out of the office and will NOT do transfers between Christmas and New Year's.  She said his back up Dr. can do the egg retrievals, but my Dr. is the only one who does the transfers.

SO, after we looked at the calendar (she said they really don't go by CD for IVF), she counted out that my retrieval and transfer would most likely fall w/in those days.  That means December cycle might be a bust!! Would really be a bummer because it's the best time from a work standpoint, and getting my sister to come down.
So I asked her if we could do it before he left.  She looked at calendar again and said that just might work.  She instructed me to start taking my birth control right away and start that night....so I skipped Sun-Thurs and took the Friday pill on Friday, and Sat, etc.. going forward.  She says the whole point of the birth control is for them to be able to "take control" of my cycle and then go into the protocol.

She asked me if I could change my Tuesday 'class' w/ her to Monday. I said that would be fine. She said she was going to talk to the Dr. on Saturday to see if he was okay moving this cycle up, and we could talk about it on Monday. So, it's possible I just started taking wonky days of birthcontrol for nothing if the Dr. is not supportive of moving cycle up.

Not sure if it was the birth control, or watching a love story on t.v., or just being alone a lot this weekend.....but I had feelings of maybe not going through with this. It seems my "flight" response started kicking in.  I started to feel stressed about doing this all alone.  That taking care of the baby, providing for them, raising them, running after them, making holiday traditions, etc.....was all on MY shoulders.  Even if I was sick...mine. In pain....mine. Not wanting to work so I can stay home...mine. This is such a huge responsibility....that reality kind of sunk in this weekend.

I thought about it as I was driving over Saturday morning to drop my car off for maintenance.  I was thinking that if I had a child, I'd have to load them up, take over there, either stay there for 3 hours waiting, or load them up in a courtesy car, bring them home, then do it again when car got fixed.  I don't have anyone at home I can leave the baby with to do these little things.  Nothing will be last minute, which is how I live my life most of the time. And the reality of not having a partner....or anyone to lean on.  Massive. These are times when I wish my mom was still here and healthy. I could see myself moving to be near her so she and I can do this together. 

I guess the only thing I can do is continue to gauge how I feel and if at some point my gut or mind is telling me not to move forward, than that's what I have to do. I'm not there today at this moment, but clearly my emotions will vary....and I just have to work through it.  I hope and assume this is normal for people in my shoes?? Gosh I hope so.  I'm thinking I feel this way because it's becoming a real possibility w/ IVF. The chances of success are real. And then what...?

Lots to noodle on when I go to the gym today!!!

Commitment

My Dr.'s office was proactive yesterday...the new coordinator called me just to introduce herself and give me her phone number/email.  Don't get too excited. I sent off a few questions last night to test her out....what's your bet as to whether she responded back today? Ummm...nope. Will see tomorrow....but I don't have high hopes given my experiences thus far. What I wanted to know from her was--I am trying to coordinate having my sister fly down for the egg retrieval and transfer...was just wondering what CD they typically shoot to do the retrieval? Also, if the dates land on Dec 23-26, does the Dr. still do?

I've had some serious doubt creep up in my mind recently. It has mostly been around my back issue.  It has gotten super painful recently (more than ever before). I was having throbbing pain down my left backside, and on the sides of my hips, and a lot of pain in my back joints--w/ mornings being the worst.  I was having trouble finding a position to even sleep, and getting dressed was not fun. A few days ago I caved and started taking my RX powerful anti-inflammatory. It has helped a lot, thankfully! Now that it is feeling better and the irritations are calming down, it makes me realize how bad it actually was!!
So, I've been thinking I may need to have a more invasive procedure done like steroid injections....the thing is, you can't do this when you are pregnant.  I was really struggling w/ this and whether or not should I put my baby journey on hold in order to deal with this??  I had a good chat w/ a friend of mine last night. Good reminder that I need to focus on the things I can do to help i.e. start working out again and watch the diet. And, I am probably going to be dealing w/ this for a long time, baby or not. I just shouldn't let this derail me right now.

I agree and am going to keep moving.

I did decide to go to my uncle's for Thanksgiving. Paid a hefty price for the flight, but I am figuring if my plans work out, I most likely won't be going next year because I'll have a newborn :) My sister is going too.  It's going to be a really short trip--fly in on Thursday, out on Saturday. Only a week away. 

Work has been quite stressful these last few weeks. I am covering for an open position, my own, and 1/2 of an admin's position because we are having issues w/ her. It's a lot right now and I can kind of feel like I may be getting sick.....NO! I need to rest up and stay healthy. So, my plan is to sign up at my old gym this weekend. By the way when I said I was going to go this past weekend, I didn't. Laid around again almost the whole time.

I need to just follow through. Sometimes I get like this i.e. no motivation, and procrastinate on everything. I'll do it tomorrow....I'm tired....I might be getting sick....I'm tired....Well yah, I'm tired....all I do is lay around after work and on the weekend!!!

This is my commitment that I will sign up at my gym this weekend.

I...U....I#2 BFN

Big Fat Negative.  Part of me is glad to know that I'm tuned into my body's signals and wasn't just jumping the gun after Day 2 when I felt like it didn't work.  I could be surprised in the future and still not have any symptoms, signals, etc.. but I'm guessing I'll just know. Call me crazy.

GOOD NEWS! I am getting a new coordinator at my Dr. office!!  Friday I was fed up when another email went unanswered, so I called the nurse manager. I left her a message saying I had some concerns and wanted to talk to her.  Ironically, in the meantime the insurance girl called to explain the cost of IVF and said that I will have a new coordinator because I am doing IVF.  Problem solved.  When the nurse Manager called back again I still gave her the feedback of why I was calling i.e. getting timely answers, getting info that answers my questions, etc...She was very supportive and told me if I have problems in the future to let her know asap and gave me her cell number. Really, can't I just have her.  I seriously hope that the new coordinator is better....I'll give her a chance.

For the next IVF cycle, even though I have insurance it will still be in the thousands.  Mostly because a lot of the bloodwork, monitoring, anesthesia, etc.. is done in their office by a 'special' lab that doesn't bill to insurance. It didn't make sense at first because they have a lab that my insurance covers right there too--but that lab can take a few days to get results.  They use the 'special' in house lab because they need results faster--to be able to adjust meds quicker, and to avoid OHSS Ovarian Hyperstimulation syndrome...very bad.

I'll repeat what I've said before--I am very thankful I have insurance--BUT, it's hard not to feel like they put in charges here and there just to make more money. For example, I am having a hysteroscopy w/ the same 'special' anesthesiologist and it WILL cover under insurance....because it's billed as surgery, not fertility. So, I will have to pay 600 bucks for one, and 0 for another. Also, I will be paying $150 for the nurse to sit me down and walk me through the cycle/instructions, $30 extra for any weekend/holiday visits, $50 to 'thaw' each sample, $500 to store any embryos from 1 day to 1 year that we need to freeze, and $500 every year after.
It is still a business, after all.

Something I learned that confused me while reading other blogs...what does FET mean?  It means frozen embryo transfer. I thought they were all frozen, but that isn't true--there is fresh and frozen.  The way it works is I will grow a lot of eggs, retrieve them, fertilize them, and the 2 best after 3 or 5 days they will transfer back in....that is called a fresh transfer.  However, if I have embryos left over, they will need to freeze them.  And if the first fresh transfer doesn't work, they thaw the next ones and transfer them...that's when it is called FET frozen embryo transfer. Ideally I will get pregnant from the fresh transfer and have frozen ones for the future. That would be good because if I'm lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy, healthy child...I can keep the others frozen as long as I need for future siblings, and they will be made w/ 36 year old eggs.

In other news....the house deal is a go, all contracts signed, with closing date December 21.  Once I close on the house, the remodel can begin. It is pretty much a gut job, so I need to hire a general contractor to manage the project. I have one in mind and think he'll be great.

Need to get off this couch.

12 Days pa.st IU.I .....#2

It's been a busy week at work....am tired and ready for weekend. I am paying w/ pain in my back due to laying around all last weekend, so really can't do that again. Back also worse because I have also had to sit much more and longer than I normally do because of the project I am working on this week. Ow-ee.

I'm "this close" to asking for a new coordinator. Just don't have the patience for this woman. Seriously.
Don't call me and ask me the very same questions I answered ALREADY in an email. Can't take it.

Can you tell I am irritable.  I sure can.

This IUI not official bust yet, but I cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I don't want to pay for a blood test I know I won't need.

9 Days pa.st IU.I.....#2 New Plan

Turns out I wasn't even counting my DPIUI correctly....I was just counting on my fingers and realized that I needed to add a day in there, so had to go back and correct my blog entry titles. Sheesh. Can you tell I wasn't paying too close to this cycle--considering I think it's a bust. Still.

I had my Dr. consult today over the phone and I am pretty excited. I started our conversation by saying I wanted us to figure out next cycle since I am 99.9% sure this one didn't work either. As I suspected he started talking about injectables. He explained that I would still take the letrozole on CD 3-7, but on CD 6-9 I would take the injectable.  I said that could work, but I wanted to discuss other options. I asked him about my sperm sample from last cycle, and asked his opinion about the low count (by the way, I've called it motility, but it really is count). He did agree that it seemed low. He asked me if I wanted to change donors and I said no way, this is my donor. I said based on that, and the fact that I didn't want to keep trying w/ so-so odds, what would he think of going w/ IVF?

He was totally supportive!!! He said that we could certainly do more IUI cycles, but the odds still remain lower than IVF. He said the odds for me are: IUI w/oral meds about 15%, IUI w/ injectables 25-30%, and IVF 65%. He is not a Dr. that pushes you into anything and lets you decide what's right for you based on facts.  Given those odds, the choice was easy for me, IVF it is!
The thing that makes this decision so easy for me is that I am sooo thankful I have fertility insurance (up to 20k lifetime max). My previous employer did not have it, and it is a much larger company than this one. I think the stars just aligned for me. I do think, though, that even if I didn't have insurance and had to pay out of pocket I would still end up in the same place (just think a little longer and harder about it).

He then started walking through how it all will work and what we need to do.

• Birth Control this month (so now I can go to Thanksgiving out of state at my uncles house if I want)
• During 3 weeks of BC, schedule a hysteroscopy. They use small IV sedation (in their office) and put camera in uterus to view and take small biopsy. They do this to stimulate the uterus for the following month transfer.
• Take meds for 8-10 days to grow many eggs
• During those days get ultrasound and blood draw often
• Still use HCG to ovulate
• 36 hours later retrieve eggs (says only takes 20 minutes)
• Once they have eggs, they inject sperm into them to fertilize them
• Grow them for 3-5 days
• Transfer 2 best ones & freeze the rest (chance of twins 25%)

I am happy to be going this route, but the thing that still worries me is can I even get pregnant and carry a baby? Will I ever have a child of my own?  These thoughts do poke out sometimes. I don't focus too much on them because the answers will come in time.  It's maybe just such a surreal and foreign concept that this could actually happen that I just can't wrap my mind around it yet.  It hasn't been too hard thus far because for some reason, in the back of my mind, I just felt like IUI wasn't going to work for me. My 'gut' sort of felt it.  I don't know how my 'gut' feels about IVF yet. I'll have to keep asking it :)

My other biggest fear is I still have some pretty significant problems w/ my lower back. I do have chronic pain. It is manageable (for the most part) and I don't take anything for it, because when I have taken prescription meds in the past, the transition back to w/out meds is harder than if I hadn't done it at all....but to possibly carry a baby, and then run after one? It just worries me. And reminds me so much of my mom. She had chronic pain for almost as long as I can remember...her knees, her back, her internal pain from cancer, her ulcers, just so much for one person.  I think about all she suffered with and she was still an amazing mother to the core....I know I can do it. It's just going to be hard---in many ways, I am guessing.

For those of you who are in perfect health out there....send a shout out of thanks....it's just so important.


I did ask him about cycle day 3 labs. He said that we did them last year, he did some other test 2 months ago and things looked fine. He said we could do the labs, but he feels comfortable if we don't. Hey, fine with me. I don't usually go on blind faith and want to see the numbers for myself, but I have enough other things to think about.  I also told him that a Dr. awhile ago said I have a uterine septum, which can create higher rates of miscarriage. He said he didn't see that during my last exams, but they will look at it during the hysteroscopy.
I didn't ask him about switching coordinators. I'll give her one more shot, but the next thing that gets messed up I'll just reach out to her nurse manager and talk to her about it. She is great...would like to just have her!

End of update.  Start of new plan.

8 Days pa.st IU.I ......#2 Udates

I did get back on track from my food meltdown. Yesterday I went back to eating the food/5 small meals a day. I felt better on my insides. However, I did absolutely and completely nothing yesterday. I was supposed to take my car in for maintenance at 8 am. I set my alarm, woke up, and just said no, I'm not going. Then I laid back down and slept until 11am. Then, after I got up I got on the internet and surfed for 6 hours. Yes, folks...6 whole hours!! Then showered, watched tv, and surfed until 12am.  WHAT THE HECK..I need to get it together. It's hard to be lenient w/ myself about when I just 'checkout' over the weekend. I am an able-bodied (for the most part) 36 year old, and this is what I did w/ my time?
I dont feel stressed...but sometimes I can be very unmotivated. I always know when I feel like this because I just have to look around my apartment. Dishes in sink for a week (I do at least rinse them off after using). Haven't cleaned/vacuumed. When I am firing on all cylinders pretty much everything is in order.
What i've told myself is that I have a free one day pass for the YMCA that is brand new. I should go and check it out today. Open from 12-6. Maybe that will be a good kick start.

About the house....we are still in option period.  It was supposed to end today, but the seller has asked for an extension. Yesterday my realtor and I submitted a large $$$$ request for repairs, and the seller wants to check w/ her attorney. It has something to w/ the fact of their appraisal since it is an estate sale. Not entirely clear, but I said sure, why not. Now, our option period ends on Wednesday.  We were really surprised that we think they will go for the large sum. If so, we will just reduce price of home by that much more.  I have been researching and starting a spreadsheet for cost of remodel. It's going to be a huge project. At first I got overwhelmed, but when I broke it down, it became more manageable. Also, I got confirmation from a contractor that did some work in my old home that he has more experience than I thought, and I can maybe use him as my general contractor to coordinate my new home remodel. He does great work and is so reasonable priced. Well, at least he was back then.

Pretty sure this cycle a bust.  After thinking more and more about what to do next, I am leaning towards going w/ IVF. For some reason, I just feel like doing injectables may not work either. No evidence to support that, but I don't want to spend too much time trying. Part of my rationale is, if I have to do close monitoring for injectables, and for IVF, I'd rather be spending the time away from work doing something that has more % of success, even if more expensive. The other thing is, since this will take more time during the cycle, I'd like to be doing this during the holidays with the built in days off. Not because I can't take the time, but it gives me stress/anxiety anytime I have to say I'm going to be late,  1/2 day appointment here, there. I don't want them starting to wonder what the heck is going on...I've been able to manage this pretty well so far.
I'm not sure what the Dr. will think...I do expect he'll recommend injectables....but I might push back. The thing I need to understand from him is what that process looks like if we go w/ IVF. From other blogs it seems that people do a month of birth control, then start???  This may be individualized, and not applicable to others, but I just need more data from Dr..  The other thing I was thinking about my Dr. is that I DONT think I did cycle day 3 labs.  These are the ones that test for ovarian reserve, etc.. I need to ask him about this, and why we didn't do and if I should.

I've started to wonder about whether I should stay w/ my Dr. It's not because of him per se, but it's really due to the nurses and staff. I've never been really impressed w/ them (starting going to the Dr. years ago for PCOS). The receptionist up front is almost rude....when I've mentioned a few times they had the billing wrong, she got all flustered and didn't accept what I was telling her. I told her I knew it was wrong based on what I paid last time, and she finally just said she'll add it to next time. Sure enough when I came in next, it was not the amount she had told me.  This has happened a few times and she always looks at me like I don't know what I'm talking about.  I keep my own spreadsheet so I know exactly what I am talking about.  The other thing is, the coordinator I have for my cycles is really terrible about getting back to me. First not in a timely mannor, second  w/ not answering directly the question I asked. She'll respond, but it's with either another question, or respond w/ something that's irrelevant. She basically isn't taking the time actually think about/and be proactive about what I am asking.  Not impressed at all w/ these folks.

There is no right answer, but I think I will let the Dr. know when I speak to him on Monday about my experiences, and that it really has got me thinking about going to another clinic.  He can do what he wants w/ the feedback, but it has started to really bug me, because I don't look forward to interacting w/ them. Last night I did some surfing (yes in my 6 hours of it), and found some Dr. reviews about him and his staff. I read a lot of them that say some of the very same things I am having problems with.  The mis-billing, the staff being rude, not following up timely, really long wait times, etc..  What really got me thinking was one of the reviews mentioned this other IVF clinic and how great her experience was. It bummed me out because my experience is not that great. It's funny how I just have 'gone w/ it' because I assume that's just how it is.

I realize grass isn't always greener and each office has its own problems.  Just something to noodle on while we decide what do w/ this next cycle.

That's it for now....I've written a book here....need to get off this couch and clean my apartment and/or go to the new gym.

6 Days pa.st IU.I ....#2 and Food Meltdown

I'm not sure what happened today. I had a major food meltdown.  I had packed my day's worth of food like I have for the last two weeks. Ate breakfast, no problem, ate snack, no problem. When lunch came I just really did not like it. I was so surprised because I have enjoyed the food thus far. It was mushy, no real flavor, random vegetables in it. Weird.  So I said forget it, I'm going to the plant cafeteria. Well, there are really not good food choices there, even their salads aren't that good.  I went straight for the cravings--fried food, onion rings....and sweets, got a blueberry muffin. And some milk.  Crazy combination, but it hit the spot.
Even though it didn't make me feel good because I had been eating pretty clean for the last few weeks, I still liked it.  Here's where it gets worse....I decided I wanted to eat out my favorite food--MEXICAN for dinner. There's this one restaurant that has these 3 cheese enchiladas smothered in gravy, w/ chips, rice, guacamole...the works. And I ate every...last...bite.  But wait! You'd think that I would be stuffed and couldn't fit a single ounce more....not true. I then went for dessert and had this amazing donut w/ some more milk.

And now I am so stuffed I feel sick. No joke.  Why did I eat all that....I think I was just tired and feeling somewhat stressed.  Boy I did it big, huh.....?

Back on track tomorrow...

4 Days pa.st IU.I ....#2

I did some research last night on injectables versus IVF. It seems a lot of women struggle w/ the what next? question. When the simple method of oral meds don't work, how aggressive do you get and how quickly do you get there?  Some were concerned about cost w/ injectables, which I thankfully don't have to worry because my insurance covers these meds. I also read a few places that women who did the clomid/letrozole with no luck, then did injectables and got pregnant. But, if my sample has low motility, my lining doesn't thicken as much as it should, and I am not getting a lot of follicles....would more IUI's (even w/ injectables) really make a difference? 

I am really thinking that if the Dr. thinks we should try injectables, I will do it once. Then, I want to be done w/ IUI and will go to IVF. Yes, it will be way more expensive, but I'm not too concerned. I'm more concerned w/ whether my body can actually get/and stay pregnant.  I don't know what my ovarian reserve is, FSH, etc..I know they were checked, but I'll have to ask the Dr. That's why surfing the internet isn't always the best idea. I got concerned when I was reading some of the IVF websites about diminished ovarian reserve, that your egg quality, etc. changes so much the older you get. It just gave me anxiety like I needed to hurry up or I'll never have my own child. I already knew most of what I read, but it was just staring me in the face.

Oh yah, you wouldn't even know I was in a 2ww by the way I'm so focused on the next cycle. But I have almost zero hope this worked. Numbers were bad, I feel nothing....and I'd be fooling myself, or making up symptoms to think I maybe had a chance--rather just face it and move on.

The thing I am trying to figure out is holidays. For Thanksgiving every year we would go to my mom's side--her only sibling brothers' house---and stay at home for Christmas.  Since my mom passed away, they have really not had the draw they used to. I would get so excited planning to fly back home, eat some amazing food, and get the best hugs in the world from my mom. Man I loved her w/ all my heart. Clearly things have changed. It's hard going home because my Dad and I don't have a close relationship at all.  I have so many mixed emotions when I am around him....sadness, he can be stressful to be around, so much anger at how he was so absent when my mom was sick, how he was emotionally absent growing up.  Ironically, I also feel sorry for him. I feel guilty that I don't call him more. He's not in the best of health and that makes me worry about him....despite all of those other feelings I have about him.  Very conflicted and emotionally draining.  Last time I saw him (Easter this year) the minute he walked in the door I went upstairs and just cried. It was so overwhelming and just sad for me.
The thing is, it's not just my Dad....I have an estranged middle sister w/ 3 kids that we hardly see. And a brother that is just distant.  The only one I am really close w/ is my oldest sister, and that relationship has had its many bumps in the road. The only one I had unconditional love and pure joy with was my mom.

I have only gone home once this year. That is unusual for me....

So with all that being said, I haven't booked my Thanksgiving flight--not even thinking about Christmas plans yet.  I've been watching prices and yes, they are expensive.  Also, the holiday falls right over my next cycle (assuming things same as last month).  This baby-making is my priority, so I've thought about not going to Thanksgiving at my mom's brother's.  I kinda want to focus on this and any holiday would be secondary. 
What I will probably do is after my appointment w/ Dr. on Monday, I'll know what he wants to do and I can plan backwards.

I am not opposed to a last minute flight, so I am going to keep my options open.

Big sigh.......