Sunday

I am re-writing my commitment to sign up at the gym today. I went to bed at 10:30 last night, and didn't get up until 11:45am today. I don't need that much sleep. So now, I feel groggy and lazy. I must go to the gym.  I will write in my blog this week to confirm that I did it today.

Surprise my IVF coordinator called me on Friday night at 6pm (had I not heard from her I'd have been pretty upset since I emailed her on Wednesday).  We talked about my two questions and I found out that the Dr. will be out of the office and will NOT do transfers between Christmas and New Year's.  She said his back up Dr. can do the egg retrievals, but my Dr. is the only one who does the transfers.

SO, after we looked at the calendar (she said they really don't go by CD for IVF), she counted out that my retrieval and transfer would most likely fall w/in those days.  That means December cycle might be a bust!! Would really be a bummer because it's the best time from a work standpoint, and getting my sister to come down.
So I asked her if we could do it before he left.  She looked at calendar again and said that just might work.  She instructed me to start taking my birth control right away and start that night....so I skipped Sun-Thurs and took the Friday pill on Friday, and Sat, etc.. going forward.  She says the whole point of the birth control is for them to be able to "take control" of my cycle and then go into the protocol.

She asked me if I could change my Tuesday 'class' w/ her to Monday. I said that would be fine. She said she was going to talk to the Dr. on Saturday to see if he was okay moving this cycle up, and we could talk about it on Monday. So, it's possible I just started taking wonky days of birthcontrol for nothing if the Dr. is not supportive of moving cycle up.

Not sure if it was the birth control, or watching a love story on t.v., or just being alone a lot this weekend.....but I had feelings of maybe not going through with this. It seems my "flight" response started kicking in.  I started to feel stressed about doing this all alone.  That taking care of the baby, providing for them, raising them, running after them, making holiday traditions, etc.....was all on MY shoulders.  Even if I was sick...mine. In pain....mine. Not wanting to work so I can stay home...mine. This is such a huge responsibility....that reality kind of sunk in this weekend.

I thought about it as I was driving over Saturday morning to drop my car off for maintenance.  I was thinking that if I had a child, I'd have to load them up, take over there, either stay there for 3 hours waiting, or load them up in a courtesy car, bring them home, then do it again when car got fixed.  I don't have anyone at home I can leave the baby with to do these little things.  Nothing will be last minute, which is how I live my life most of the time. And the reality of not having a partner....or anyone to lean on.  Massive. These are times when I wish my mom was still here and healthy. I could see myself moving to be near her so she and I can do this together. 

I guess the only thing I can do is continue to gauge how I feel and if at some point my gut or mind is telling me not to move forward, than that's what I have to do. I'm not there today at this moment, but clearly my emotions will vary....and I just have to work through it.  I hope and assume this is normal for people in my shoes?? Gosh I hope so.  I'm thinking I feel this way because it's becoming a real possibility w/ IVF. The chances of success are real. And then what...?

Lots to noodle on when I go to the gym today!!!