Well.....no drum roll this time.....it did not work. I did the beta at the Dr office this morning. What I didn't share on here because I wanted to try and stay as neutral as possible and just felt like keeping it to myself was that I did home tests on day 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10 past transfer. All negative. So, I was prepped for the call this afternoon. There was a very small piece of me that was holding out for the final confirmation because of all the crazy stories you can read about people getting positives 10+ days after transfer.
I now understand the difference in tests, however. I could never understand why people would torture themselves with the tests that have two lines, kinda, maybe, was it there a little...test. I've always thought in the past it seems much simpler to use the ones that say yes or no, right?
Well, naïve self, that's because during all my fertility treatments I've never had a negative test before. So, after staring down the digital read that said no, I researched and learned quickly that people use the line testers because they are more sensitive and can 'read' hcg at lower levels, thus why I did the same thing myself and bought ones that would show a line, maybe...sooner.
I think I'm still processing all of this. I kinda just thought since my labs were great, lining was great, hormone levels were great, and embryos were good quality and one was even hatching that this would just work. Honestly I think we gave them the best shot we/I could. This is where sometimes, it's just not in our hands and truly out of anyone's control.
The one thing I did not do was have them tested to see if they were "normal" embryos....my approach was let's see if it works first, then I would test later. I didn't test any embryos throughout my processes.
I'm supposed to have a followup with the Dr. next week to go over everything, which I will for sure go to....I suspect, though, that there won't really be a conclusive answer. They just didn't take.
Thankfully, I'm not feeling devastated because I have truly been blessed....and I now have an even greater appreciation for the fact that other than the one IVF cycle where I didn't get eggs, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. So many people struggle and I just never had any insight into it. I can't even imagine going through this cycle after cycle and not being successful. Not to mention all the money, crazy medication, the commitment to take said medication for what seems like all day every day.....just the whole process. Upon reflection it was a lot. I don't feel like an embryo transfer was any 'easier' than going through the whole IVF cycle.
I'm not sure what now....I truly was envisioning a family of four and in my mind it was a boy. Strange how you can get so far ahead, huh? I do have a small confession, though, that when one of the tests was negative I did feel a small hint of relief. I'm sure it was a day when I was tired from major lack of sleeping and not feeling good. While I had been hopeful throughout, I had also been thinking through the all sorts of crazy it would be with three and I would need to dig deep. It's confusing me because where I'm struggling a bit is the "finality" part of all this. I have no more embryos with 38 year old eggs. I'm 44 now. I suspect what I am working through is maybe normal? I (maybe naively) thought that if this process didn't work I'd be fine because I had given my remaining embryos a chance at life. That's the most I could do. I just don't feel as settled as I thought I would.
In closing, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer that I absolutely do understand how fortunate I am to be a mother of two. I think I worry that someone reading this might think otherwise...especially those who have really struggled. I think everyone's story/journey is personal and for me, already being a mother didn't negate my hope for this one as well.
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