Thinking

I’ve had some time to reflect post my transfer not working and it’s been challenging.  On one hand, I feel confident that I did the right thing by giving it a shot, one the other hand, it didn’t work and there’s a lot of thoughts tied up in that. The time, effort, money, hope, resulted in nothing.

And….the hardest part is, I thought I would feel a sense of relief that I was ‘done’…one way or the other.  And that feeling just hasn’t come. I’m just not at peace yet about it all.

 

I did have my follow up with the physician and much as I expected, he didn’t have a reason as to why it didn’t work. He genuinely said he was sorry, sometimes they just don’t work even if everything was lined out right.  We did talk about the fact that we didn’t know whether the embryos were ‘normal’ since they weren’t tested, and he did say he had a bit of trouble with the transfer—but honestly, science and technology can only take you so far.  My biggest question for him was—if I just wanted to explore further with my own eggs, am I too old?  Frankly, I was preparing myself for him to say that yes, my time was up and I was too old—especially after all of the reading I have done. However, surprisingly that’s not what he said. He said it’s possible, and would depend on a few tests, one of those being AMH and the other an ovary ultrasound, I think.

I left that appointment feeling a level of hope, but not really sure about wanting to pursue and ‘start over’.  There are way more hurdles now than 5 years ago, but I told myself it can’t hurt to just do the blood test that day and just see what the data tells us.

 

This is where I get a bit frustrated w/ the Dr.’s office. I had the test Friday April 12. The following Friday, the 19^th I got an email from the IVF coordinator asking about whether I was interested in additional IVF and to let her know. I responded back that the Dr. and I had discussed options but I was waiting for the AMH test he ordered to come back, and the Dr. could advise from there.  Like, do these folks communicate with each other? I know that they have a lot of patients, but after a failed cycle, you would think they would be proactive to make sure they have the most up to date information. It just put me off a bit---not even acknowledging the failed cycle…but asking hey, ready for more? AND, without even checking with the Dr first even after knowing I had a follow up consult with him. It just feels disappointing and very impersonal.

The reality is if I didn’t have such a long history with this office, I’m not sure I would be as forgiving. But, the Dr. is a specialist, he knows my entire medical history, I’ve been seeing him since 2006, and I have confidence in him as a doctor.  It’s not him….it’s his support staff that’s been a journey. For awhile there, the front office people were terrible, now it’s perhaps the coordinators.

 

Aside from all that, I had been logging into the portal daily to see if the lab results were up. The Dr. said that if the amh was less than 1.0 that wouldn’t be great and if it was close to zero, like 0.3 or something, it wouldn’t be good at all.  I had no idea what to expect, but my test came back today at 1.41. The coordinator sent an email saying that the Dr. would move forward w/ that result and would recommend doing 2 rounds of retrieval with embryo testing. The coordinator said I could talk to his other IVF Dr. about what process we would use….if I’m not mistaken, it’s more of a mini ivf of sorts where they try to get fewer, but quality eggs.

 

In a way, this all would have been easier if the Dr. said I was too old.  Some days, I feel old. I’m certainly not in the best shape and without a doubt that would need to change if I wanted to pursue this. It’s kind of a now or…..it’s not ever.  This has been the real struggle for me. While waiting on the test results I’ve continued to think through if I really want to do this, put my mind and body through it, do I have the energy for it, dealing with the hormones, etc.. with of course a possibility of the same outcome I just had. I feel a level of anxiety about it.  It feels like such a bigger decision than even moving forward w/ the embryo transfer I already had. Part of me is leaning towards just getting as much information as I can such as: cost, protocol. Timeline, etc.. then make a decision.

 

Parenting is dang hard at times…..but, it’s in my soul what I want to be doing with my life. I’ve had a great career and it’s what supports our life, but that isn’t my focus and hasn’t been for awhile. I’m certain with my two children we will have lots of great experiences/challenges, and it’s a matter of how far I want to or will go to see if adding to our family is possible.  I don’t have an answer to that just yet.