About me

I had been moving along here not too bad, or so I thought. Things have been tough over the last few months--poor sleep, kids on and off sick/not sleeping--having to manage the remodel at the rental--worrying about what to do about Alaska job--tweaking medications--thought I was handling it all ok.
But, I think over last few days I'm realizing I haven't been managing well enough at all. I'm really kind of limping right now and today, I wanted to just stay in bed or just go somewhere where I can just focus on me and my health.
I'm feeling overwhelmed.

What started this discovery interestingly enough was a conversation with my boss, well a few of them. I've learned that our group will be changing/reorganizing first quarter next year. No idea what that means for me personally yet but it brought back the feeling of job instability that creates a lot of anxiety for me. In addition, weve had  a couple of uncomfortable conversations where he thought I was thinking one thing but I was thinking something completely different.  It was surprising, but hes very hard to read so I don't really know where I stand with him other than I thought at a good place. It seems we don't communicate as well as I thought.
That's trickled into my worry about Alaska. I gave it my best to research as much as possible but found out last week the job would require 25% travel. That's one week every month away from my children. That became a deal breaker for me.
So I just sent him a note last night. He responded with--ok thanks. Not much to go off of here.

I've been spinning a little in this work stuff  recently and started thinking through, gosh am I doing anything that could have him misunderstanding? whether this does or not, I thought about work time. He's always been you do what you have to to get job done. Over the past few months I realized that I am coming in later and later. The main reason for that is trying to rest enough so my anxiety/depression doesn't get worse. Over the years I've learned that a main trigger for rough times is sleep problems--not enough, not quality, etc. and it doesn't take much for me to start feeling overwhelmed.
As an aside, I am getting a sleep study because a few people now say I sound terrible when sleep like something's wrong, super loud snoring, etc. suspect if I have apnea that is REALLY contributing to my current issues.

The thing is, I know that's what is going on, but HE doesn't. I haven't disclosed to our work nurse that I have a medical issue. It's funny that for some reason Ive just not felt comfortable bringing into workplace over the years. It's kind of ridiculous. I have a legitimate medical issue that flares and impacts my ability to function. Why am I withholding that info?
I answered that myself today in that I really think I can do it all. All the time. Sick or not, sleep or not, meds changing or not, whatever else or not.
Why do I put that much pressure on myself?

And now I worry that if I bring it up now (I don't have to tell him my exact condition of course) that he will think I'm using it as an excuse and should have maybe shared sooner. I learned recently that while he may not say anything, he is always thinking something.

I called in sick yesterday and half a day today because of feeling so stressed, overwhelmed, and  disengaged. I've burned through all but 3 days of my vacation because normally when I've felt this way I just use half days of vacation so I can sleep more.

In summary I think my approach to managing my depression/anxiety and fatigue isn't working. I've bandaided the problem by taking the vacation time to sleep but I never really felt better. I've started going into work later and later. I'm seriously limping along feeling so tired all the time, feeling stressed, eating poorly, feeling worse, sleeping worse because of caffeine to try and get energy.
Terrible cycle I've been in upon reflection.

So, that's why I decided to get a sleep study. And I did decide to call the work nurse today to just get her opinion on what I should do. I didn't name my condition with her either. Just what I'm trying to deal with. Her advice was to put my cards on table with boss. I think that's about all I can do at this point. So, I set up a meeting with him next week since he is out this week.
I see my psychiatrist on Friday--since clearly our tweaks haven't worked. Also my eye issue has been acting up (diagnosed only as blep.aro.spasm) and the tinni.tus (ear ringing) so I'm going back to neurologist and try the bo.tox injections recommended to treat eyes and see if he suggests doing anything further. Last year when we talked he said lumbar puncture would be next step for testing for autoimmune and I just don't know if I'm ready for that.

In a way the work stuff has contributed to things seeming to be worse but I do think that extra bit of pressure made me actually stop and reflect for a minute. I need to change something. I'm really just limping.
And I'm going to try my best.
That's all I can do.