Changes

We are in for a bunch of changes.  I accepted new job. We will be moving. I will be buying a new house. I will most likely sell my current house. AND I will be starting another round of IVF as soon as I can. Oh, and throw in a flight for thanksgiving holidays.

I'm trying to keep it all together, but there is a lot going on and coming up. I have no idea when I will squeeze in a house hunting trip in the middle of stimulating for next cycle. Oh by the way, the Dr. said that if no cycle happens this weekend, on Monday he wants me to start a medication that will start process (that takes another 10 days!) So MORE waiting.

Not sure how I am going to manage it all, including childcare in the interim, when we initially move, and for longer term.  I've not relocated w/ a baby before and there is a lot more to think through. Just focusing on what needs to be done today, tomorrow, etc..and take it slow. I'd really like a few weeks off between jobs to take care of things, so I'm going to try and swing it.

Not much else to update other than weather is great...finally....and baby girl has started her whininess again. Don't know why. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to stop--I ignore her, I say shhhhhh, shhhhhh, I say stop fussing...nothing works.  I did notice tonight that she's got some upper molars coming through, so that could be it. She's also waking up a lot over last several nights.

Something I've been noodling on for quite some time are all of the common things people say when they have babies--and gosh darn it if you don't feel that way, is there something wrong w/ you?

Here are some examples:

I'm glad the baby chose me to be their mom: I don't understand that one. Maybe I'm thinking too literally, like, a thought-process choice and cells don't do that. All I know is I haven't said that.

It's like I've known this baby my whole life: For baby and I, I think we are still getting to know one another and bonding continuously. One of the things I still have a tough time with is I was completely out (general anesthesia) when baby was born. I didn't even hold her until the next day, when I was quite drugged. I didn't see her come out of my belly, didn't get that skin to skin contact.....that initial bonding time, and I think that makes a difference. I think the other thing that plays into our getting to know one another is she's been a very independent baby from the beginning. She preferred to be in her ro.ck.a.nd. play to soothe versus being held. If I tried to cuddle her close, she would push away. I realize all babies are different, but it took a while to learn that not all babies are cuddly, who knew?

I fell so immediately in love with this baby: I think that's different for everyone. Not sure how I feel about this one. I know I love my baby because my heart aches when I am not with her, a massive mother bear comes out in me if I am worried about her for something, and I get all warm and flush when I look at her picture at work. But the immediate part, what does that even mean? I can hardly comprehend it. Maybe that's my problem too, I'm not a super-emotional person. I'm quite logical, and some things just can't be explained.

My baby is so happy and laughs all the time: No they aren't.  Just admit it peeps. I don't know why this one bothers me, but it does. Because it is against human nature to be happy all the time. Your baby has to scream/cry/temper tantrum, spit out food, kick, etc.. Right?

These are just a few that I've thought of. I thought it might help for someone reading this to maybe relate and say, Wow....I thought something was wrong with me. No there isn't. And now you know at least one other person like you!

And now for the thoughts that probably are just plan weird....or just anxiety....or just a result of going through assisted reproduction. Every now and then I wonder: how do I know the hospital or lab didn't mess up? It's super crazy, but without being present and seeing it all. And let's not forget, she looks nothing like me. Now, she does look just like her donor, curly hair and all....but....I think it's just that I didn't conceive naturally: eggs taken out, fertilization in a tube or dish, placed in my uterus, baby taken out of me.....all without me controlling any of it, or even seeing most of it. Other humans did it, and other humans mess up sometimes.
Okay maybe I'm weird on these thoughts, but if someone else has felt that way, would be good to know.