Oh my achin'......

Ovaries! Today is day 5 of injecting stim medication and there is definitely something happening. I felt it from the very first day. It's just I now notice them more because they feel 'full', or like little walnuts.  It's been a bit frustrating dealing w/ the medication. They put in the script for 150/day dose. Dr. started me w/ 225, and after my bloodwork on friday morning they said my estrogen was low so he upped again. I was really surprised to hear my estrogen low because I have felt it affect my ovaries since night one. Anyway, what that means is I run out of medication tomorrow.  I realized this yesterday so texted w/ the nurse. Bottomline is I'll have to get samples at their office because my insurance won't allow the refill since it is too soon.

I go in tomorrow morning for my first ultrasound since starting the meds so we can see what's happening.  They will either ask me to go back on Monday or Tuesday again depending on how I'm doing.  The calendar actually calls for egg retreival next Saturday if all stays on schedule.
WOW!!!

I am really excited. I don't have the nervousness, fear, panic that I did last time. My 'gut' feels good about going forward (even though we are still fighting w/ insurance) and even though I am in the middle of a job search.  Actually, I had a phone interview on friday that went great. They want to fly me in for face to face interview in next two weeks. Ummmm......I'm makin a baby here! I told my recruiter next week was completely out, and will look at following. But, if we end up doing a fresh transfer, that week will be out too.
I didn't expect things to move that fast w/ that company, but it's a good sign. It would mean a move, but I'm optomistic about it. I don't know, I kind of feel like unless I take risks, I'll never know.......

Last night I actually went back and reread a lot of blog posts to see how I felt last time, etc. It really is pretty cool to have a virtual 'diary' of my journey.  The thing I noticed is 1) I talk about needing to work on my weight---a lot and 2) I was feeling really miserable and probably was depressed at the beginning of my last pregnancy.  I laid around a lot, slept a lot, didn't have much energy. Yes, I had some traumatic events w/ the blood clot, hospitalizationetc....but upon rereading I could just see more clearly that I exhibited a lot of depressed behavior. I also had a TON of anxiety. So much worry from start to finish about my well being, the baby, etc. Perhaps having the blood clot at 6 weeks along set the tone for keeping the panic/fear in me.  I also had a lot of fear about being a single mom, etc..

One thing I can say in hindsight is......I am proud of myself for continuing on, in spite of all the fear/anxiety/depression. I just went for it.......and now have an incredible baby in my life.
Also, I don't have those feelings right now. Well, good thing since I can't w/ a one year old. But, I started w/ taking vitamins B and D when we were addressing my sweating problem and Dr. said I can keep taking them. I think they really do help my overall energy level.

I'll have to reflect further on why so much of my thoughts occupy around my weight, but I haven't been able to stick to change it.  If it bothers me that much, then i need to figure out why I'm not addressing it and 'fixing' it.

Anyway, the only slightly 'anxiety' filled thing happened last night when I took my injectables. For som reason my heart started to hurt/ache. I started to wonder/worry and then read the package insert to see possible side effects. Of course it says so many scary things, up to having blood clots, etc.. Ah crap. I started searching internet right away to see if that was what's going on w/ me, or was it heart-related, etc.......but, none of my symptoms matched up to anything really. Wasn't sudden, wasn't sharp, didn't go to extremeties, etc.. I finally just calmed myself down and texted my sister. I told her to call me in the am and check in. I kept worrying if something happened to me, who would find my baby.  I think this was all anxiety talking because I feel much better tonight.

The journey continues......