I'm all for empathetic parenting, giving choices, letting kids blossom with the personality they were born with etc.
But....
When I'm spending more time losing my temper than enjoying things, somethings gotta give. Take today for example...I can almost bet each time we play outside in the afternoon there will be a meltdown. It starts out fun, exciting, we play soccer, etc than the minute I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do--starts the slide. "No. I don't WANT to. That's frustrating me". All I've asked her to do is sit down and have a snack.
Then it starts full on battle. She gets more and more defiant--I get more and more frustrated. Then I finally say we're done outside. Cue major crying now. I pick up everything including her because she won't move. She's kicking. My son starts crying. We've had several afternoon scenarios like this and I've just had it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
And today I just full on lost my temper. It doesn't happen very often but I was just seeing red. I got so frustrated with the battles and the defiance and the constant behavior she saves for me--and I know that's true because it's like a switch with the nanny. That's partly what made me SO mad today. They had a great time, she's calm, laughing, rainbows--okay a little dramatic. After nanny leaves that may last for 5 minutes then it's like a different kid again.
Is it attention? Is it she can fully let her guard down i.e. mamas safe? Maybe this is just normal and no matter what I do it won't matter?
So something I've been wondering--just came to me tonight--maybe I'm too passive? I spend so much time trying to get her to decide she should do something that maybe I've limited my own authority? When I ask her to do something sometimes it's a yes, but often it's just NO. If she says no I try and talk her into it like Cmon, let's get your shoes, time to go. Hoping she'll change her mind and do it if I don't get upset, etc. and if she doesn't I end up frustrated and/ or doing it for her.
Basically she's learned she doesn't have to listen to me.
So tonight I said that's enough and laid down the law--sort of. When we were doing bath I said it's time to wash hair--No. Normally I'd say now what side do you want to do it--yadda yadda. But tonight I said yes we are. You can help or I will do it for you. She fought so I just wet her hair/ washed it and it was done in 2 seconds. I said she needs to listen or mama will have to do it for her.
Same thing getting ready for bed. Didn't want Jammie's etc --ran into the tent--so I said if she didn't want to listen I'd have to do it myself. Done in 2 minutes.
Not saying I'm going to continue with that approach but I think I need to figure out how to make sure she understands mama is in charge. And it felt good to say this is what we are going to do and just did it.
I'm goin to do more research but I think back to the nanny show I watched all the time--even before I had kids. I used to just say omg look at those kids--and the parents let them get away with that!
Well.....
I know she put house rules, had a calm down corner, etc. maybe I need to do something like that. Discipline by redirecting or convincing or putting in her room for 30 seconds just isn't working.
It's not all frustrating! We had a lot of fun yesterday and went in our bike trailer--really like this thing--to the park and the store in afternoon. My son decided he liked it once we got going.
When Felix resists something, I say "Let me know when you're ready to __________." He's usually ready within a minute (it just had to be his idea.) if we don't have time to waste, I say "In two minutes it's time to put shoes on and get in the car." If he doesn't cooperate, he gets carried to the car without shoes.
ReplyDeleteI've had to put him to bed without his drink of milk for not listening, and I've also had to explain it clearly. "If you want X, you need to do it right away. Otherwise I will do it." It can be exhausting, but he only melts down once or twice a week, so it's bearable.
Also, when he's tired or overworked, I don't even waste my energy. He gets extra hugs and help in that case.
I struggle with these issues, too. I often wonder if I've given my son too many choices, too much power, etc. But it seems like all kids this age test boundaries, are defiant, etc, so maybe no matter what we do they would go through this phase...? I know I've discovered I can't force thus child to do anything - he's too physically strong for me to "make him" do things like put on shoes, get in the bathtub, etc. I've started relying on coercion - if you don't do X you won't get X - and I hate that we're at this point, but it's the only thing that currently works. I loathe the threes. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteYou are not doing anything wrong It them kids!! lol. Mine is nearly 3 and its the same thing like yours - NO and big drama. I was hoping 3 would be better but reading your post and the comments above seems like I have my work cut out for me.
ReplyDeleteI give her choices too and sometimes if she refuses to take a bath I just sit in the bathroom and say, okay when you are ready you can come, and she does within 5 min.