Happy Halloween!

I likely was sitting just like this last year on Halloween....in the recliner, in the living room, wondering what I'm going to do w/ myself for the next few hours. I just dropped both my kiddos off at separate boy and girl friend parties where they are group trick or treating. They are still not too old for it at 11 and 13. Given how much my girl likes candy, she'll still be out there as an adult. I scored on my son's costume this year he wanted to be a devil, no idea why....so we found one over 50% off and was 20 bucks. Not bad at all! My girl went as an F.B. I agent, I guess the group of them were going as a movie bunch. All she wanted was a white t-shirt, and made her own badge, had her own sun glasses. Easy peasy.

On one hand I'm excited I don't have to corral them, at high anxiety because of all the cars/people (safety is very anxiety provoking for me)...having to walk them all through the neighborhood letting them get candy I don't really want them to eat....but then it's like....here I sit.  I 'could' walk with the group of boys, they are in our neighborhood, but maybe I'm feeing a bit anti-social. I'm just coming off being sick w/ respiratory bug and not 100%.....so, I'll let it be. Maybe I'll meet up w/ the group later, I did that last year. My son's got the watch so that always eases my stress of wondering where they are. A few adults are already walking with them....they definitely still need supervision at 11. Some boys in his group, well, one in particular, is a bit of a punk. Matias.....3rd child, smart mouthed, argumentative, etc.. they don't play a lot together, which is good, because my son is always telling me about "Guess what Matias did today?"

The other thing on my mind is that I've just been in a stressful time....my kitchen is still ripped apart, my apartment was listed for rent, got a new tenant within a day (yay), and for the last month have been preparing the apartment. Needed all new blinds, touch up paint, the ceiling drywall was cracking so had to have contractor bid and fix it, etc.. so total to turn it around this time is about $1500 plus one month rent to the realtor. I also had no idea how bad the windows were...it is an apartment above a 2 car garage, built in 1950 or 60 and a few window have holes, major cracks, etc. Have not been operable since I owned it....so got a quote to get new windows. It's been a LOT of stuff. I was there yesterday because the paint didn't match on the ceiling so got myself up and down the ladder rolling it on. So sore today. I will for sure hire that out next time, the contractor offered a week ago but I thought it would be easier/cheaper to do myself. It wasn't. My mistake. Another mistake is the new tenant asked for a countertop dishwasher. Never even knew they existed....and I said I would provide one. Why???? In my head it was because I was hoping to make her love the place and want to stay longer than a year....at the time I saw in her history she stayed at her last place for 6 years....I would love a tenant to stay more than 1 year. I've had yearly turnover for a few years now and it really is a lot of work when they move out. Not to mention very costly. Driving over there a second time last night to deliver the blinds was the first time in all of owning the bungalow w/ the garage apartment I thought...is this worth it? Do I really want to keep doing this? Can I physically keep doing this? As an example, yesterday I was going to lug up the very heavy box w/ the dishwasher to the second floor and thankfully my re-key locksmith who I've used for years was nice enough to do it for me. Of course.....I know I'll keep it for now....I really do love the place....but it really is a lot of work when someone moves out. And honestly if I sell it a builder will come, knock it down, and build a monster. I don't want it! Save the bungalows!

Also, lately things have been challenging w/ my girl. She doesn't communicate very much. Also, when she's exhausted she turns inward and that's what I think is happening. This theater gig she does for school is starting to be outrageous. The amount of hours the director has them do is like adding a part time job on top of the regular school day. It's too much! She's only 13! We had a four day weekend this month and Friday 9-4, Saturday 9-4, and Monday 9-4 they had to go to school/theater. Are you serious?  Thankfully the show ended this past weekend so she/we finally get a break. But, I totally get she's just burned out, but I feel like we only talk in the, "hey did you brush your teeth?"....."any homework due tomorrow".....like I haven't had a real conversation with her in a long time. We've been butting heads about a lot of things too. For example, she finally had a day in a few months that she could go biking w/ her friends. Great. However, I called and told her when she needed to come home. She said ok. Then didn't.....so when she got home I was frustrated with her. She just couldn't understand the ONE day she got to hang w/ her friends why I was upset with her. I don't think she got that of course the biking wasn't the issue....it was her still having to follow the rules. Also, she's been backtalking a lot. Now, I know she's a new teenager, so that just may be how it is.....but I think my issue is I feel disconnected. We live together, but pass by each other with all of her activities and her tendency to not verbalize very much. I try starting conversations, especially in the car when taking her/picking her up like asking how's school: Fine. Hey babe, how was theater: Fine. How was your day?: Good. One word answers is the usual these days. So, I decided that we should go to the therapist I went to with my son. I think it's important to make sure we find commonality when there's so much going on and changing for her. I sent an email to therapist and waiting for when we can go.

Then.....my sister. About a year ago we had an issue come up where no one could get ahold of her for days and when that happens, it usually isn't good. Last year my brother ended up going to her house and breaking in her basement to see if she was ok. Turns out she was on a several day, self-medicated binge and just was not with it. My brother found her laying there, she didn't even know what day it was. SO, it was a big deal....she and I went to therapy with her counselor to lay out some guidelines, how better to communicate, etc..and we got back on track.

Well, it happened again last week. I got a text from her last Wednesday that said "I fell and hit my head. I am resting. I will talk to you later". I said ok, call me later. Then..... she didn't call, didn't call.....I finally reached out to my brother that evening (he lives 1.5 hours from her) and asked what we should do. He ended up calling her and calling her until she actually answered the phone. He couldn't get much out of her except that she was 'ok'. After that she called me, which I missed, and she left me a voicemail. I could tell right away she definitely was not in her right mind. I then called her back and asked what the heck happened and she proceeds to say that she fell on Sunday (uh, what?! 3 days ago!) and had just been laying on the couch since then. She said her cat twisted between her and she fell, had a lump on her head, and it was bleeding. Now, she's 6 ft tall so a fall to hit her head is a ways down. And she just laid at her house for days??. Making up all kinds of excuses as to why she couldn't.didn't go to the ER. Concussion maybe? She was then crying hysterically saying she just doesn't care, etc..I told her I'm worried I'm going to find her one of these times not alive. She said she knows.

That's heavy. And infuriating. And sad. And heartbreaking....all rolled into one. I know she's been suffering again with her mental health for a few months now.....but you can not just call me 18 hours away, drop a bomb like hey, I hit my head, then ghost me. What am I supposed to do? And we've been through this before......the thing is, she doesn't have many friends. She has one friend w/in 30 minutes of her she's known for years, but they are on/off. And only one other friend about 45 min away that I've never met. I don't want to kick her while she's down, but I also can't condone that she's not taking care of herself. I told her it may be at a point where she needs to go inpatient. She said absolutely not. She also is in denial about her misuse of prescription medication. The worst rx is the one she gets from her neurologist for migraines that is a central nervous system depressant. That's what she uses to 'check out'.

The thing is....I feel angry. And I feel bad about feeling angry. The only close family member to me from my immediate family has so many problems.....I'm frustrated that she refuses the help she really needs, and doesn't have the capacity to be there for me, doesn't have the capacity to be there for herself, has so many health and mental issues. And....I'm just heartbroken for her. She's wounded. She's suffering physically and mentally. She really has no one. I do care about her and feel so helpless.....I think the downfall started about 2 months ago after she had a surgery to repair something that failed from a surgery a year ago. It was very noticeable since then. I did the only thing I could think to do---some action--- which was call her therapist and leave a detailed voicemail about how bad she is doing right now. Of course they can't talk to you due to privacy, but I at least needed to let her know. I also called her nurse practitioner who prescribes her mental health meds. The assistant did finally call me back and I also described to her the events of the past week and just needed them to know she's struggling so bad. I have no idea what she tells them, if she's honest about all the medication she's taking, and I don't feel bad for calling both of them. I would feel bad if something happened and I didn't.

Now that I look back, it has been pretty heavy in my mind....worrying so much about my sister, feeling the tension of us not talking right now, feeling distant from my girl, and living in a wreck of a house, and trying to put together the apartment....all while being sick.

At least w/ my girl we have a path forward.....I really think the therapist will be helpful....w/ my sister I think I just need to call her as a start.

This is all a bit much so I do want to share some happy news...I'm so excited my son just had his well visit today and he's doing great! weighs 104, is currently 5ft 1/2 inch and is on track to be likely 6ft or more. And.....he still likes mama to "lay with him" at bedtime. Sometimes I do still go in there for a few minutes and the other night he said, "I feel safer when I'm next to you. It gives me a sense of security". That was so sweet.....and I know exactly how he feels.