1 month

W-O-W.  Tomorrow will be 1 month since having baby girl. I can believe it, and I can't.  Since first week was spent in the hospital, we have actually been home about 3 weeks.  The transition home w/ a new baby has gone really really well. I am not sure what I expected....maybe a screaming baby 24/7, me tearing my hair out, crying because I am so overwhelmed, depression creeping in....I don't know. But, honestly none of those things have happened. 
I am quite surprised at how 'easy' this change has been for me. It feels natural and calm with her, so I am not stressed out.  Where I do get stressed is if we are coming home from somewhere and it is past her feeding time and she is really crying...that has happened only once and it made me a wreck...so I try to avoid at all costs. Maybe it's my mindset, because I often remind myself to "be calm"....and I do believe the baby feeds off of my energy.

I think what's helped is I've done my best to incorporate 2 pieces of advice that almost everyone says....sleep when baby sleeps AND enjoy these newborn times since they go quickly.  Yes, there is a lot of laundry. Yes, I am tired.  BUT, when I hold her and caress her arms or feel her little feet kicking on my leg, it is quite wonderful.  I'll be honest and say that it is challenging when there are times I just want her to go back to sleep because it's the middle of the night, or I need to eat dinner myself......but I keep it in the front of mind always that when I am tired to take a deep breath, relax, and know that sleep will get better.

The hardest part has been when I have had people here, and then they go home.  I quickly get used to having a second pair of hands, then when they go, I get anxious realizing it is just me again. By myself.  I had my good friend here for the birth and she stayed almost two weeks. The amount she did for me is incredible. She took care of all those things I wouldn't have even thought of...and more. I cried buckets when she went home.  Then this past 5 days my sister came to visit. It was also wonderful having her here because a) she loves my baby and it was the first time she met her b) she made me get organized and clear out all boxes left over from the move. She also did a lot of other things, cooked, cleaned, loaded up the car so I could take donations to thrift store (and it was 2 carloads!). She did a lot of the heavy lifting, no pun intended, and it was just so nice to have her here to talk to, relax with, share baby care duties, etc..
She left this morning and I cried a lot again.  There is this sadness/emptiness that washes over me when someone I care about goes home. Certainly more pronounced since having the baby.  Perhaps hormones have something to do w/ it because I continue to sweat a lot too! Right now I have to keep wiping my forehead.

It just makes me think about my proximity to extended family and my future here. I am here for a reason now 1) to become pregnant and have baby girl and 2) my career 3) give myself option of having baby number 2 w/ the company I work for because they have insurance for IVF.  But, I just see myself wanting/ really needing to be closer to family however that turns out.  I continue to look at job sites back home, but realize the type of career I have here wouldn't be the same there--industries are much different.  And that may be ok.  I honestly could see myself moving back, buying a house outright so no mortgage to worry about, working part time (with health insurance) and spending the other times being a mom.  That is what I can envision for myself.

In lieu of family here, I have sought childcare options. I put an ad on one of the websites for nanny care, and I have also tapped into my network. Through the network I've been in touch w/ 2 nanny's and I've interviewed one. She seemed very positive and could be a good fit. I interview the second one on Wednesday this week, then I will decide. I plan to start one part time (about 12 hours a week) until I go back to work, then full time. But, I still haven't made up my mind about whether I go back to work full time right away, do part time, reduced schedule, or take another month of two off.  I actually only have 8 weeks left for maternity leave. I am so thankful I have so much time--12 weeks total--. I'll think about it some more.  My worry is the nanny I choose will not want to do part time for that long and I'll have to find someone else.  Cross that bridge when it gets here, I suppose.

Baby is stirring so time to check on her. I am amazed I got this post written w/ her sleeping through.

Lots of changes, but I'm hanging in there and feeling pretty good.