Back to Work

Hey boy....of course the time would come when I would have to go back to work.  Here's how I feel in a nutshell: It's been three months already, and it's only been three months!!

I had a lot of anxiety about it this week.  I know this because i've scarfed several donuts. On several days this week.  So when this happens I hunker down and go into research mode.  This time it was finances.
So, the night before I went back to work I started doing all kinds of calculations.  If I lived as cheaply as possible, could I 1) afford to work part time or  2) afford not to work at all for a few years? The answer to both of these questions is yes.  BUT, there would need to be some things put in place to make that happen. I would obviously be dipping into my savings, I couldn't afford to live in my house and I would have to move again....and we couldn't be w/out insurance so I would need to scope that out.  Well, and probably  most importantly.....if I want to plan for another baby, the current IVF insurance I have is amazing.

The other thing I scoped out is looking on job web boards to really see what kind of jobs there might be near extended family in my field....believe it or not, there just might be a couple.  One company currently has several jobs posted. I thought about just applying to start the conversation w/ them.  But if I moved to a new job, that would entail a relocation and working full time......the benefit is her growing up near her cousins.

In all reality, most likely I'm not going anywhere or doing anything different until April of next year. I have a two year contract due to my relocation that I need to fulfill or repay. Would not be smart to repay. 

But here's the deal....I did the math....I make a good income BUT, after taking off for house, car, nanny, bills, utility, groceries, etc....it almost goes down to nada.  Zilch.  Goose egg.  So why the heck am I working? The answer right now is that we need the insurance.  And to be fair, I had in my mind I would go back to work and not change that initially so I could get used to new baby and being a working mom.

I don't like it.  It is only day two, but I have such strong heart tugs while I am sitting in the office staring at her picture.  Wondering what she is doing w/ the nanny. Wondering if I would do it better--assuming I would do it better because I'm her mama.

All of this is normal. I'm sure.  So what?!  Feelings are real and believe you me, I've had plenty of heartbreak in my life to know what my priorities are.

I'm sure w/in time I'll make some decisions about our future.  For now, I'll keep my head low at work....I'll give myself the space to get back in the groove.

It sure is tough to being solely responsible for making the bacon.