Preschool graduation is this Thursday. I’m not prepared….not just emotionally, but I haven’t gotten my girl a present! Shame on mama. I have thought about it over last few weeks, asked her if she ‘wanted’ anything (she had to reach really hard and didn’t come up w/ much), so….I think what I will do is get her a card and put a lot of dollars in it. She LOVES putting money in her bank. Not that we’ve spent it on anything, but for some reason she’s always asking me for coins/money to put in there. The school is schedule to have the program start at 9:00am in the church, over by 10:30am, then we go to her class room for the ‘ceremony’. I’m already a mess thinking about it. They wear caps, etc. for it. It should be super cute. Our old nanny is coming in town to celebrate it with us, along w/ current nanny. So, she will have 3 adults and a child supporting her. YAY! She was so excited when I told her I was going to take the WHOLE day off with her. Lately she’s been so sad when I go to work…coming after me and hugging many times/day, even when I’m just going in my room to get ready. My son too for that matter…..maybe they sense change, or something, I don’t know.
We got the teacher assignment for my son starting in September at the same school my daughter will graduate from. I believe it’s the teacher I requested, but honestly not sure yet. I’ll know when I meet her. I’m glad I went to the open house because I wanted to at least get a ‘sense’ of the teachers and see who I might connect w/ the best and who would be best for my son. Considering he is still not using words other than to say “mamamamama” to get someone’s attention…..although he is using many sounds and starting to say consonants. He also created some new ‘signs’ for communicating. He takes his hands and taps them on the chest when he wants to say, “yes, me too”….”or “I like that too”. He does it a lot when we are reading books…for example, we’ll see water, ocean, sand and I’ll call it a beach and he taps himself so I’ll say, “you like the beach too?”…and he’ll say “uh”..(that means yes). He is in speech therapy twice a week now but when we took him to Dr. not long ago she said that by three if he is still not using words, he should be doing intensive therapy 5 days/week. We’ll just have to see. Also, if he’s still not making much progress into the Fall we will need someone who will be very supportive of him/us at school. I’m nervous about thinking about having him start school. He’s well….my baby. Oh dear as I’m typing this my eyes are starting to well up. I continue to be amazed at how much emotion comes out of me when I’m not expecting it when I think about my kids. My heart is just pre-aching for him because he’s never been in a setting without someone he knows like me or nanny.
Don’t tell but I am typing this in word at work because I just want to use a computer keyboard and screen!
Mother’s Day: Early in the morning both kids were up and for some reason both ended up in my lap in the rocking chair. We were watching cartoons and in my mind I said, ‘that’s all I need right here’. It’s not often I get to have both of them snuggling w/ me…at the same time!! I also got some really beautiful flowers from my good friends in Boston (they send some every year) and the nanny had made a gigantic card w/ the kids w/ their handprints and decorations. They also got me some blue-ish hydrangeas. Smelled very nice. My girl kept saying “happy mother’s day, I love you SO SO much”. And when we went to bed, after our talk, she says, “Happy mother’s night!”. It was sweet…..however our day was a bit grouchy if I’m honest…I think I slept too much because nanny was there so I was able to take a nap. Sounds like a great gift, however when my sleep is off and I try to nap to make up for it, I end up feeling worse than if I had just stayed up. Why is that? I always think I’ll ‘catch up’ or something and it doesn’t work out that way…..but I just can’t resist peace, and quiet, and my nice bed. I think the kids sensed my grouchiness/tiredness, and they responded in kind. My son has become so sensitive also….if I get irritated and yell because of whatever two year olds do, he starts crying these big tears and runs into another room. As soon as that happens I catch myself and realize I’ve hurt his feelings…..I go after him and say son, I apologize for X (of course only if I did something wrong) and tell him I’m sorry and give him a hug. I want to teach them that no one is perfect, even mama…..and it’s about how you try and resolve something when you know you didn’t do a good job. I hope some of that is sticking.
My awesome flowers and for dinner my girl set the table ALL BY HERSELF to celebrate mother's day.
In not such great news...I’ve recently had another health scare……still not sure what the root cause is yet but I’m still in process of figuring it out and what to do. Rewind--I had a colonoscopy last Monday May 8th because of having some irritable bowel symptoms, change of habits, etc. I take no chances with that kind of stuff. My mom died of carcinoid cancer (gastrointestinal tumors) and anything strange in that arena I’m on it. I had the procedure Monday afternoon (the prep Sun and Mon not super fun with not being able to eat and drinking this mix the night before and morning of to ‘cleanse’) and they used an anesthesia. I stayed home Tuesday, and back to work on Wednesday. Well, when I went back to work I noticed some tingling and numbness in my face, hands, and feet. It was pretty strong and very noticeable. In addition to that, I just felt “off”. I started researching internet and nothing good came up that didn’t scare the heck out of me….I figured I’d wait until Thursday to see if I felt any better. The symptoms were still there. I decided to email my neuro dr. and say hey, I know I have a follow up scheduled in June, BUT….here’s what’s happened….these weird, scary symptoms, etc.. They at least emailed back and asked if I had any kind of seizure activity (no) or blacked out (no)….and if not, just follow up w/ Dr. who did the procedure because most likely it is effects from anesthesia. SO, I called the gastroenterologist who did procedure and he was NO HELP. He basically said ‘I’ve done thousands of these, never heard of that, don’t know what to tell you, if still having symptoms call next week and I’ll give you a neuro referral’. Gee….thanks for the concern..I’m already a step ahead of you. I emailed my neuro back that I got no response and I’m still today having these sensations……..and got no response yet. Of course I’m freaked out I have some neurological disorder because since 2015 I’ve just had a lot of weird stuff….things got stuck in my throat more (difficulty swallowing), my benign bleph.arosp.asm in my eyes, the tinnitus in my ears, etc.. Now…I do need to point out that all of this started after I had that terrible dentist experience in December of 2014 where he shot my nerve and it zinged in my face (2 times he did that) and I ended up w/ half of a numb face/tongue for a few months. Maybe he did some damage….? Maybe that created an exacerbation of something? Maybe it’s unrelated?? SO, I did some more research and think I want to see a new neurologist, in fact researched and found one that I booked an appointment for—but earliest available is in JULY! The one I saw was OK, but given this experience I’m not sure he’s taking what’s going on seriously, or if he has the interest to dig further to see if there IS anything that ties this all together. I’m a little torn, though, because frankly up until this recent issue, things have been status quo w/ the original symptoms I went to him for and he told me that if things change, or new things develop we could do some more testing at any point. I guess will see if he responds and go from there. To say that this stuff is stressful is an understatement….my mind SWIMS with worry about the what ifs…..I kinda feel like I’m chasing down different things like the gastro doc, etc. and nothing is coming up at all on any tests. My MRI’s are showing ‘normal’, etc.. So on one hand I’m thankful nothing’s been diagnosed, but on the other had I have tremendous worry that something will. The other thing that’s hard is not really having a partner in crime to share this with. I did try sharing it with my old nanny Amy and while it was good to ‘let it out’, she had mentioned she had a friend w/ neuro issues and would ask her what her symptoms were….I said fine, as long as she didn’t say it was me. We know mutual people that I didn’t want gossip started. Anyway, when she called me to say she had talked to this woman she mentions, oh yeah, I told her your symptoms and said you XYZ. I said hold up, you said it was me? Then she paused and realized…..and apologized of course, but really what that made me feel was JEEPERS……can I not trust you? It was a simple request to not say anything like I asked?? At end of day I know she was only trying to help, but what it did was make me feel more isolated like I just don’t want to share anything! Oh, and I was not selected for the job I interviewed for (my co-worker got it) BUT….it was ultimately good news because they are creating a second position that they want me to interview for. They said I interviewed really well and think I would be a good add to their skillpool and would like to see me come into the team. So, the news was actually pretty good…..made me actually take a big sigh of relief…..although at the end of the day, if something doesn’t work out in the company I am open to find something at a new company. As you can see a lot on my mind. Now that I took the time to write it all out there is a lot happening for me…..my baby is graduating pre-k, my job situation is in limbo, health concerns, not completely saying NO to a move, although I still prefer to stay put….my sister and I have had a ‘regression’ of sorts. I didn’t go into detail but with the property up north, we have a buyer that wants to go through independent sale….that means we had to go to property one last time to get any sentimental items, etc..by the way this is where my mom’s ashes were spread on the island and where we went every summer growing up. We actually called it ‘Up North’…..and now it’s being sold. AND….I asked my sister/brother if they were going to go up one last time. I’m located very far from there and didn’t plan on making the trip. They told me no. Well, when talking to my sister about a month ago she just mentions….oh yeah, when we went up north…..I said, ummmm what?! You (and my brother) went up and didn’t think to tell me you were going….or ask me if I wanted anything etc…..really? Her response was she really wasn’t thinking about anyone else (no kidding). I got so emotional I just hung up the phone and said I couldn’t speak. Long story short at Easter she mailed the kids some stuff and in the box were the two glasses I had asked about were still there. She got them and didn’t say anything. Even when I got so upset about how things were handled…didn’t even then say, hey sorry, see you are upset, etc..I did actually got and found the glasses you were wanting. Things have been tense since then. She hasn’t called to explain, apologize, acknowledge, take any accountability for her actions, etc.. and this is a pattern of behaviour. Whenever something happens, whether caused by her behaviour or not, just goes into hiding and doesn’t communicate. We’ve talked briefly a few times and it’s just been tense, and she talks/acts as if nothing has happened. I’m really frustrated about this because we were making good progress there for awhile….first the crappy visit this past Christmas, then this……. Frankly w/ all else I have going on, I don’t have the energy to put into it right now. I’m feeling lonely as it is…..a few stumbles with the person I talk to the most—Amy--, not really talking to my sister, my other close friends are not located here……
I’ll end on a few positive notes because even w/ all the craziness I don’t feel like things are out of control or that bad…..I guess I just kind of keep it movin and don’t stop to reflect. Last post I mentioned trying harder to get connected with mom circles. The DAY I posted that an email came out from the neighbourhood organizer about a ‘kinder crew’ meeting for this Friday!! I responded right away and said yes, that would be great to meet new folks. So, will see how that goes on Friday. Thanks universe.
And....
Two pictures from Easter...my son was loved the bunny--they had a big East party in our neighborhood. And my girl got her face painted with nothing other than a bunny on her forehead!
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