Follicles!!

What a surreal experience this morning.  

Baby usually wakes up around 7-ish and we had to leave house at 7:30 for my ultrasound/lab appointment at 8am. I needed ultrasound and E.2/P.4. It cost 150 bucks for labs (because they do them in house and need to have the results right away--they don't submit to my real lab for insurance which would be 0 dollars) and 27 bucks for ultrasound. Anyway, she isn't always the quietest baby when my attention is elsewhere. Good thing there weren't many people in this morning because they would have heard little screams here and there the entire time.

The surreal part about it: I am laying up on the table, feet in stirrups, and nurse has ultrasound wand looking at follicles.....while I am rocking the stroller w/ my one hand and holding a bottle and a tub of mums in the other to keep her occupied if she started her little screams. It kind of was hilarious.  I actually am glad it was weekend and super quiet because I feel funny about bringing a baby to a place where so many women are trying to get pregnant. I knew how I felt when someone walked in w a stroller....I said to myself "Man, that's kind of insensitive". I still sort of feel that way, but single mom-dom will be the driver sometimes.

Great news.....we have 13 follicles growing that are measurable. 6 on left and 7 on right--the biggest one measuring 11mm. There are also a bunch of little ones growing on each side too. She said all looks good and they usually like to see size 12 at this scan, but I am pretty close. They called just a few minutes ago and said the dose of medication is right and I should continue for today/tomorrow and go back in for appointment on Tuesday at 8:20am for labs/scan. 

Now, the only hiccup is they said they did not get my sperm shipment on Friday. It was certainly supposed to be delivered that day so I need to call the bank and see what happened. It's a good thing I ordered WAY ahead of time.

Looks like everything is on track.  Nurse gave me two additional go.na.l pens in the office so I am good there. Now, if only my baby would lie down and nap instead of slapping her bottle across her crib slats and talking.

Oh my achin'......

Ovaries! Today is day 5 of injecting stim medication and there is definitely something happening. I felt it from the very first day. It's just I now notice them more because they feel 'full', or like little walnuts.  It's been a bit frustrating dealing w/ the medication. They put in the script for 150/day dose. Dr. started me w/ 225, and after my bloodwork on friday morning they said my estrogen was low so he upped again. I was really surprised to hear my estrogen low because I have felt it affect my ovaries since night one. Anyway, what that means is I run out of medication tomorrow.  I realized this yesterday so texted w/ the nurse. Bottomline is I'll have to get samples at their office because my insurance won't allow the refill since it is too soon.

I go in tomorrow morning for my first ultrasound since starting the meds so we can see what's happening.  They will either ask me to go back on Monday or Tuesday again depending on how I'm doing.  The calendar actually calls for egg retreival next Saturday if all stays on schedule.
WOW!!!

I am really excited. I don't have the nervousness, fear, panic that I did last time. My 'gut' feels good about going forward (even though we are still fighting w/ insurance) and even though I am in the middle of a job search.  Actually, I had a phone interview on friday that went great. They want to fly me in for face to face interview in next two weeks. Ummmm......I'm makin a baby here! I told my recruiter next week was completely out, and will look at following. But, if we end up doing a fresh transfer, that week will be out too.
I didn't expect things to move that fast w/ that company, but it's a good sign. It would mean a move, but I'm optomistic about it. I don't know, I kind of feel like unless I take risks, I'll never know.......

Last night I actually went back and reread a lot of blog posts to see how I felt last time, etc. It really is pretty cool to have a virtual 'diary' of my journey.  The thing I noticed is 1) I talk about needing to work on my weight---a lot and 2) I was feeling really miserable and probably was depressed at the beginning of my last pregnancy.  I laid around a lot, slept a lot, didn't have much energy. Yes, I had some traumatic events w/ the blood clot, hospitalizationetc....but upon rereading I could just see more clearly that I exhibited a lot of depressed behavior. I also had a TON of anxiety. So much worry from start to finish about my well being, the baby, etc. Perhaps having the blood clot at 6 weeks along set the tone for keeping the panic/fear in me.  I also had a lot of fear about being a single mom, etc..

One thing I can say in hindsight is......I am proud of myself for continuing on, in spite of all the fear/anxiety/depression. I just went for it.......and now have an incredible baby in my life.
Also, I don't have those feelings right now. Well, good thing since I can't w/ a one year old. But, I started w/ taking vitamins B and D when we were addressing my sweating problem and Dr. said I can keep taking them. I think they really do help my overall energy level.

I'll have to reflect further on why so much of my thoughts occupy around my weight, but I haven't been able to stick to change it.  If it bothers me that much, then i need to figure out why I'm not addressing it and 'fixing' it.

Anyway, the only slightly 'anxiety' filled thing happened last night when I took my injectables. For som reason my heart started to hurt/ache. I started to wonder/worry and then read the package insert to see possible side effects. Of course it says so many scary things, up to having blood clots, etc.. Ah crap. I started searching internet right away to see if that was what's going on w/ me, or was it heart-related, etc.......but, none of my symptoms matched up to anything really. Wasn't sudden, wasn't sharp, didn't go to extremeties, etc.. I finally just calmed myself down and texted my sister. I told her to call me in the am and check in. I kept worrying if something happened to me, who would find my baby.  I think this was all anxiety talking because I feel much better tonight.

The journey continues......

Wonderbar

So, i'm writing that because things aren't really wonderbar at the moment.  Today was a tough day.

First, baby girl had to get her one year shots at Dr. this morning.  We went over there, waited out front for longer than usual.....which meant she wanted to get down/crawl/play. I don't know about any of you but the minute I walk in the Dr.'s office I think G-E-R-M-S and I freak out alittle.  I finally let her get down and crawl on the floor because she was so squirmy, but then I couldn't stand it, picked her up and took her to the liquid sanitizer....did her hands and feet. Probably looked ridiculous, but I didn't care.  We got in the back and Dr. came in for checkup--she is still 90th percentile for height and weight and overall she is doing great, says the Dr.
Then we waited and waited for the nurse to come for the shots.  With a one year old who wants to crawl and move constantly, it was hard to keep her occupied. And I was sweating like crazy. I aways seem to be anxious there and since I had to stop all of my treatment for my excessive sweating because we are going forward w/ IVF, mama had to keep wiping her brow.
Once the nurse came we had a lot on the agenda....finger prick for a little vial of blood and 4 injections.
Oh My Word did she scream today. I actually got to the point that I almost cried too because she was shaking/sobbing/all red/and screaming.....and I still had to hold her down, tell her 'I know it hurts, I'm sorry, I know.....'. This was a rough one.  When we got done she still cried and it took some to quiet her down. 
And she was not feeling well rest of today. She was uber cranky/fussy/whiny.....didn't nap in the afternoon, so was extra tired on top of it, oh and she needed to have a poopy diaper. Nanny leaves at 2, so I had her for 4 1/2 hours until she went to bed.  I was not very patient w/ her because she was oh so whiny and also was getting into the cat food for the 5th time and I just had had it. I yelled at her to get that cat food out of her mouth, picked her up and put her in her playpen for "timeout". I was exhausted and so was she. Not a proud parenting moment because I knew she wasn't feeling well.
We did bath, bottle, rocking, then bed.  Whew.  This was tough.

On top of it, I am having insurance issues regarding IVF. Here's the thing--I have fertility coverage. They covered my two IUI"s and IVF last time no issues what so ever!!  However, my financial advisor at the Dr. office warned me that for some reason, insurance companies are cracking down and not approving IVF, even w/ fertility coverage. WTF. here's the thing.....during the precertification process they asked my Dr. 2 things 1) how long was I infertile and 2) how many IUI's have I done. Well, considering I have no husband I am totally infertile i.e. won't get pregnant w/out intervention and Dr. recommended IVF straight up because IUI didn't work last time and I am 2 years older--38.
Well, apparently the insurance company is saying just because I have to use donor sperm, that doesn't make me infertile...and for the IUIs, apparently they like to see c.lom.id instead of le.troz.ole, even though they were from last go round.  The financial advisor told me that the first level denied the procedure and she asked them to expedite the review at the board.

I am really worried now.  My action is I have to talk to the benefits plan manager tomorrow at work....good thing he is a friend of mine at work and knows I was going to start doing this.  I have to see what/if he can help.  I have no idea what this would cost out of pocket and frankly didn't even imagine I'd be needing to worry about it.  On top of it, this has to happen quick because I have already had hysteroscopy, already on day 2 of injectible (go.na.l F and me.no.pur), and if we stick to the schedule, egg retrieval could as early as Saturday of next week.

As for how I am feeling w/ the medication: this is a new injectible for me this time....I did fo.ll.ist.im last time with m.e.n.opur and I am feeling like it is making me a bit more irritable, my ovaries are already 'feeling' it, and I feel bloated.

So, a little stressed, anxious, crabby, bloated, and irritable.

Hope to have a better day tomorrow.

And we are off.......

I'm so freakin irritated. I just have spent the last half hour typing this long post about today and w/ one crazy button it just disappeared.

ARRRGH!

So, here's the summary:
--no food/drink all day long
--Dr. office for 9am labs and baseline today. Found a cyst. Leave Dr. office for errands.
--go to bank, carwash, my friend picks me up at 1:30 to go back to Dr. office for 2pm appointment
--2pm well woman's
--3:30-ish hysteroscopy and drain cyst.
--finance lady mentioned insurance asking questions, need to call them tomorrow. (note-a little anxious, did not have this issue last time)
--keep going w/ IVF protocol
--started inject meds tonight.

enough. I'm done typing.

Curveballs....plural

First, thanks to chas.in.g rain.bo.ws for the comment to my last post.  I appreciate your insight because I follow your blog regularly and know that you have a nanny as well.  I agree with you and appreciate your comments.

However since I wrote that post......Curveball One impacts nanny situation: I need to get a new job.  I have said for a long time that my company was unstable.  There has been a lot of uncertainty about our company/department, and last week I got wind that things are looking worse.  So much so that I have launched a full on job search.  I certainly prefer to stay in the city I am, but I have to be open to moving for the right company/opportunity. That clearly impacts my whole childcare arrangement. I can start to look for a new nanny now, but it really doesn't make sense until I know what where my job search may take us. I don't want to change too many things because I have a lot on my plate.  I did talk to her the Monday after that post and she apologized profusely and said it would never happen again. She said she completely forgot to tell me and that she didn't hear her daughter tell me about the visit.  She did seem genuine....well, enough for me not to fire her and just let it be for now. If I do stay here, I will be looking for a new nanny because I feel like her attitude is just not the best anymore. Another example: She told me this past Friday at 5pm she wanted to be late on Monday due to taking her daughter to school for first day. Totally get it, but I had already booked 2 meetings that am that were not moveable (well, not at 5pm on Friday).  She stormed out of the house and slammed the door on way out. Whatever, but what bothered me the most is baby and I always walk over to the door and baby waves/or slams on the window/ when nanny goes home everyday. Nanny didn't even turn back around.  She's also made comments that next year she is going to only work 4 days/week. Hey boy.

Curveball 2:
Regardless of my work situation, my number one priority is to build my family. I thought only a few minutes about interviewing while pregnant, what if I am hospitalized again, what if morning sickness is worse, starting a new job and then needing to go out on maternity leave so early, etc..and then just put it all on the backburner.  I still have the IVF insurance and by god I am going to use it.  Since I was planning to try in Oct/Nov, I had had my IVF consult on the books for today.

Here is the curveball: trying for baby number 2 is on--right now!!!

I assumed since we didn't do many labs last time I was at Dr. that this would just be a hey, you need to do XYZ lab, THEN we'll talk about protocol, you need to do a month of birth control anyway, etc.. Well, to my surprise, he had ordered whatever fertility labs last time and had all the data he needed.
GREAT NEWS: my numbers look great. I didn't go into too much detail about the numbers w/ him because I would obsess. That's his job. I know something is a 7.9 and he said he has women with 2-3 (totally not like me not to dive for more detail and know exactly what test it was, but I just didn't). He says that due to that, he expects we might get a good number of eggs. He is changing protocol from last time because of two reasons 1) if my numbers were this good, I should have produced more eggs last time (more than the 7) and 2) I had a blood clot last time.

The process is fast forwarded because normally he does 1 month of birthcontrol, but due to the blood clot, we are skipping that part and going right to getting ready for stimulating w/ drugs.  What was so great was that after the Dr. visit, because we are fast-forwarding, he wanted me to see the IVF nurse who does the IVF calendar, orders meds, etc. Believe it or not they were able to work me in today right after I saw him. Then on top of that, they actually squeezed me in the schedule for this coming Tuesday for my hysteroscopy where they do a biopsy/scratch to prepare the uterine lining. They do it under light sedation so I will need a ride, but whatever.  SO, all I need to do is wait for cycle day 1, which should come in its own in next few days OR, if it doesn't, after the procedure on Tuesday, because bleeding will occur, they call it cycle day one.  OMG.  It went from me thinking about it and talking to myself about being ready just this morning, etc.. and then WHAM! we are full on in baby-making mode.
I forgot to mention something new this time too is that he is starting to do less fresh transfers in order for women's estrogen levels to normalize, then do a frozen transfer the next month. For me, he said we will monitor my estrogen at retrieval, then decide on fresh or frozen at that time.  He thinks he will transfer two. He seemed very confident I would end up with embryos (several), so I am following his lead and being confident too.

What I am excited about is that I feel good about it. It feels right, so I am totally going with it. I am going to try and not overthink, keep any anxiety that creeps up at bay, and jump in head first. I can't say I'm not a little nervous, but what I think is different this time is 1) I've gone through it before and 2) I already have the most wonderful daughter. I'm not freaked out that I will never be a mom. I AM a mom.  Upon reflection last time, I realized how much anxiety I had the whole pregnancy.....I kept worrying about me not making it, baby not making it, baby being sick/having diseases, etc..I can now say that that is exactly what anxiety is and what it does to you. It makes you think up all these scenarios and stew in them like they could be reality.  I didn't realize how intense it was for me until looking back when I don't have it now and can actually name it.
I'm just in a different place right now.

Curveball 3:  I may soon have a walker.  She took her first step this past Saturday. I was laying on the kitchen floor...don't ask....she crawled over to me, stood up, I let go, and she took one step towards me, unassisted.  I clapped so wildly for her. So proud.

That's it for now. I am going to review my paperwork for all of the meds/the calendar, etc. and just become familiar again with it.  I could be pregnant within the next 4-6 weeks. Whoooooo boy.

Child Care: What to do

I'm gonna say it.....mama is pissed off.  I'm not an angry person by nature...but you mess with me and my baby, it's on.

So, as you know I've had little things here and there that haven't gone smoothly w/ my nanny.  It started out okay, but then as time went on I realized that she's hard headed and melts down when I try to have an open conversation w/ her about something I don't like.
Here are some of the issues that have occurred prior to this past Friday:

• Started w/ the bottles. I did not want her to microwave, she kept doing it....even after I told her I didn't want it done that way. We had that blowout where I caught her doing it and she got all flustered, defensive, and mad.  I think to this day she still does it because I see the micro with numbers on it (meaning it's just been used) and no one ever has tea or any food around
• The log book. I've asked over and over for her to put everything in the book. She simply just doesn't.  Over last two weeks I knew baby had different food because nanny's daughter was with her and daughter says, " Oh, baby had my r.a.me.n noodle w/ shrimp".  Would have been good to know. Also, last week I get a text at close to 6pm. I fed her eggs. Great. Thanks. Just in case she's sitting her in hives I'll know why.  Honestly!  I don't care that she is trying new food, just tell me about!! I really don't think it's that hard.
• She eats my food.  I've never told her she couldn't, but over time I've noticed fruit missing, or carmel corn, or ice cream sandwiches....she never asks or says anything about it.
• She never really asked to bring her daughter with her over the summer. She just did. Now, it's not an issue because baby girl needs company, but would have been nice of her to ask.
• She is coming later and later all the time.  She is supposed to be here at 7:30am and she gets her at 7:40, 7:45. Rarely on time now. It's not that big of deal except you add that up for one week X 4 per month and it adds up.  I am sometimes late, but I am also sometimes early. Sometimes she'll go home like an hour and a half early if I have to take baby to Dr. or something and I don't doc her pay.  I can't think in the last month maybe once she was early.  I don't mind if it goes both ways because I don't want to be held to exactly 5pm, but it just hasn't happened that way.
• She got that second job where she said she needed to leave at 3, which then was agreed to 2:30, then all of a sudden when push came to shove, she actually needed to leave at 2pm, but didn't tell me until she started leaving at 2pm. Then said she told me that's what we agreed to. Ummm....no, it wasn't.
• She doesn't really do much w/ the baby other than go outside or play toys. All day long.  I remember she told me she really likes arts/crafts, etc. and only once have they done something like that.....drew one pic and put it on refrigerator.
• Finally, communicating sensitive things is difficult. She shuts down immediately and gets angry and defensive.

Here's where I am super pissed off.  This past Friday I came home and nanny/daughter and baby were here. I asked nanny how the day was and she said fine.  I'm in the kitchen looking at the log book and her daughter brings baby in the kitchen.....she pipes up and says, "Baby sat on my lap at the bank, and they all thought she was cute".
I didn't react.
Just answered with, "Oh, that's nice...sounds like you had a good day". Did not want to make a scene in front of her daughter.

In my mind I was boiling inside thinking, "How dare you take my baby ANYWHERE without asking for permission, how dare you think that it's okay for you to run personal errands WHILE YOU ARE WORKING, HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME WHERE YOU TAKE MY BABY??!!

Here's the thing, the nanny said nothing. Nada. Not a, hey I was going to tell you.....hey, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you....NOTHING. Even after she got busted by her daughter. Because guess what, kids don't lie. Here's the worst part, I just don't think it's the first time she's done it.  One day she showed up at my house all dressed up....hair fixed, makeup, dress on.  I asked her where she was going? She said oh, nowhere.  It didn't sit well so I asked again before I left if she had plans....nope.
Yah right.

I'm not sure I've been that mad in a long time.  I've stewed about this all weekend.  But I can tell you basically as of Friday, I am so done. Just done w/ her. She's been pushing the line, pushing the line. That was part of my biggest fear come true.....that nanny takes baby somewhere in her car, without permission and something terrible happens to baby......obviously thank goodness nothing happened, but you never know...


So, my first inclination is to find a new nanny, so I started scouring my mom network...I'm on a few boards and a few networks. I sent a few emails and did stumble across a posting where a nanny just got back in country and is looking. I actually met her today. There always seems to be a....she's okay, BUT.......this one has a daughter who is going to start school near my home. However, she is a single mom and will need to drop off and pick her up everyday. Which means my baby has to be lugged out everyday, and the child would need to come here for a few hours everyday. I asked her how it would work if her daughter got sick and she looked at my blankly...obviously she hadn't thought about that. It would mean my baby would be around another sick kid, that's what it means.
Not ideal at all, and honestly I don't think the lady is interested. She said she's maybe looking for part time.  Great. It also may be about the money.  I emailed the lady she was with for 7 years and she told me they paid her 12/hr. ummm.....12x45x4 = 2,160 a month. No freakin way. AND, they allowed her to take her baby there all day with the other kids. So yah, good set up.
Finding a new nanny might be hard, especially because I can't afford that kind of money.

I thought about center care and I just haven't been impressed by those that I have seen. Unless I find one I could be comfortable at that doesn't thave a one year wait, then it's not an option.

I even thought about an aupair....however, my house just doesn't seem big enough for another adult. I only have one story and I really really need my space. That's how I unwind.  I even thought, maybe it's time to bite the bullet and move to the suburbs so I can have more space and more options. But, then it makes my commute about 2 hours each day and that's even less time I can see my baby.

This is very stressful to say the least. I am bent over a barrell until I find a new childcare situation so I am not going to pull the plug w/ my current one. I will ask her tomorrow why she didn't tell me about going to the bank and see what she says. I will also tell her that I'm keeping the carseat with me and for now, I don't want her going anywhere.  Maybe later on she can ask for it if needed, and I need to know everywhere she intends to go.
Not much else I can do right now....that I can think of.

I've been in a grouchy mood most of the weekend and my child either felt it, or she was grouchy too because oh man was she stubborn today. I tried to take her final monthly picture and she wasn't having it.....she twisted, turned...and the stupid battery was low anyway so I said to heck w/ it.  She is now putting her arms up to shield me from putting on her shirt. It's her least favorite thing to do. I had to fight w/ her on that by holding her arms down so I could get it over her head.  Then, she whined and screamed in the car on way home from the grocery store....then she screamed crazy when I tried to wash her body in the tub.

Mama is just tired, stressed, and a little beat down tonight.  Am hopeful next week goes a little better. I am on my tenth day of dairy and gluten free per my Dr.'s recommendation. Turns out my adrenals are 'fatigued'--I didn't pass my salivary test (easiest way to describe it). And a multitude of things can be causing that--life stress, dietary allergens (gluten/dairy), infection in stomach, etc...The Dr. not sure what causing so they gangbusters try to treat everything...I am dairy/gluten free, now take vitamin D, omega, B12, and some immune boosting sprays, creams, coconut oil at night, etc...Might sound like nonsense, but I'm somewhat of a believer because my symptom of excessive sweating has decreased a lot. Not perfect yet, but much better.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Thought maybe typing it out would make me feel better....I actually think it just riled me up again.

1st Birthday!

We had a birthday folks!! I have had many thoughts about writing a blog over the past few weeks and just haven't signed in and typed it up.  It has been pretty busy.....my baby had her first birthday!! My baby that now has 9 teeth, cruises on all furniture and pulls up on anything she can get her hands on, is eating more and more 'real' food, is getting so tall that she wears 18-24 mo clothes.

I didn't want to stress about invitations, venue, supplies, etc. so early on I had made up my mind we would have it my house, have a cake/balloons/hats, and get pizza for adults.  My sister had come for 5 days (which was super nice), and I got a babysitter for the Friday before her Saturday party so my sister and I could do all the running around. First time we got to do just 'adult' stuff by ourselves in a year and it was really nice.

One thing I did stress about was her birthday dress....I ordered 2 online and they came the day before her party. One was ripped and the other was not cute in person. So, my sister and I went to the store shopping. We found a super cute dress at a department store, but when we got home and tried it on, it was too big. So, it just so happens that I texted my friend a pic of the dress and she said I should open her gift that day (hint-hint) --the day before her birthday. And wouldn't you know she had sent the most adorable pink birthday outfit and hat....oh this hat. It says "Baby's 1st Birthday".

Check it out....so cute.

 

For the party, I invited those friends of mine that see us regularly. We had a fancy bakery cake, dol.lar t.r.ee hats, plates, party favors, balloons--all for 14 bucks!Guest came, we chatted and ordered pizza.....then we did presents, then cake, then chatted some more. I was thankful my sister helped get me set up because she talked me into party favors....just little boxes that we put some chocolate and peanut butter candies. They were so cute and perfect.
All together it was about 2 hours.....

And.....just exactly how I hoped it would be.

One of my favorite pictures taken on her actual birthday.....