So Full

That's exactly what I feel like right now. I have been eating non-stop for the last 4 days. There's been holiday treats and pies, cakes, galore. Heavy holiday food....and more desserts. My stomach is so stretched I can't believe it!  I weighed myself the other day and I have gained 4 pounds in last 3 weeks. I'm not even pregnant. It's like my mind's real hunger sensor has shut off, and I want to eat everything in site that's sugary, fatty, and salty.  I am feeling so full and bloated that even my 'fat' clothes are getting tight.
I've really got to turn this around.

Not to mention I feel like I have golf balls in my lower stomach...my ovaries have definitely responded to the medication and I can feel 'em.  I was at the Dr.s yesterday and I have 6 follicles on left and 3 on right. Not sure why the right one hasn't responded as well as the left, but we'll obviously take what we can. I have to go back tomorrow morning for fasting bloodwork, E2, LH/P4, and an ultrasound.  I'll know more then when I will likely have the trigger, and 2 days after that the retrieval, then 5 days hopefully the transfer. As of now, timing would make retrieval on Wednesday.

It was cool today--the woman who was helping me build my kitchen cabinet order was pregnant--we started talking and she is pregnant w/ twins (boy and girl), IVF. She had also done 2 iui's, is 37, and said she wanted to just go for it w/ IVF. Her husband is much older than her...not sure if the fertility issues were his or hers...but she also shared that so many people struggle w/ infertility but just don't talk about it.  It's hard to say whether I am infertile w/ only failing 2 iui's. I might feel more strongly if I fail the IVF, but I'm not going to let that in my mind.  She told me she also had around 8-9 eggs, 4 fertilized, 2 were really strong that they transferred and they have one frozen.  I am expecting probably something similar for myself. I hope to at least have one or two to transfer back....

Next week is the big week. I'll be glad to get the pressure out of my ovaries....have some eggs that fertilize....have some 5 days blasts to transfer....get pregnant w/ a healthy baby...oh, and stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby while mama stays healthy (and doesn't gain a ridiculous amount of weight).

Growth

I knew I was feeling something for a reason. I have 5 follicles growing on my left and 3 growing on my right...as of right now.  Some are measuring over 10, which all is very good (according to the nurse). My lining is at 7, which is better than what it was when I was doing the IUI last time at the very end....and it still has time to get thicker. YIPPEE-KAY YAY! The Dr. still wants me to keep the same doses for medicine for the lupron (5mg), follistim (150), and menopur (75).

The worst side effect is just feeling so bloated--all over. You know how when your pants don't fit, etc.. and you just feel uncomfortable even sitting? That's me. I know it's going to get a little worse before it hopefully lets up. The nurse did say that she thinks they will trigger me a few days later than expected, so I had to order more medication tonight. I am going to say this again....thank you universe for my insurance. The one medication refill--my portion 16$, insurance portion over $1,000. X2 for the second medication. UNREAL.

The other thing is, if I weren't in the middle of an IVF cycle, I would totally switch Dr.'s office. My appointment was this morning at 7:40am. I got there late (no surprise), but to find the doors still locked. 8:00, then 8:05, then 8:10....what the heck. So I stood there and knocked on the door.  Apparently there was some traffic accidents that backed things up so the front desk lady (who I really don't care for) was really late. So, ummm...why don't you have a back up if that happens? You are a professional office. I wouldn't be so irritated w/ the exception this IS NOT the first time this has happened and I've been there when others are stuck knocking on the door in the am too. That time I just stayed in my car.
Really just so unimpressed, it's ridiculous.  The other thing---they are getting paid some fat sums of money by patients and insurance companies. Figure out how to run your office, have a genuinely friendly receptionist, get people in and out on time, and bill people correctly. SHEESH.

Done ranting. Well, no I'm not...I can tell you if this IVF doesn't work...I'll take whatever embabies I have and go to another Dr. office. For sure.  Interestingly enough, today in my email I got a 'survey' of how the office is doing. Coincidence? Doubt it. I'll give it to em if that's what they want to hear.

I'm off to eating something now. My stress level is up, I can feel it....so I am hungry.

Things r a happenin

I think the injection medicine is "kicking" in just about now. Yesterday I started to feel my ovaries again, and today I really feel my ovaries. They feel 'twingey', and are starting to feel 'fuller'. I can only assume I have lots of eggs growing--yippee. I am also feeling bloated again. Just all over full.
The nurse yesterday said my blood levels are normal (E2<500) and we haven't had to adjust my medication yet. They watch closely for the overstimulation, and I am now going every other day to get bloodwork. Back again tomorrow morning, also w ultrasound. Think they start checking follicle growth and lining growth.

So far, on schedule and responding as I am supposed to.

Something I am thankful for is that over the past week I have felt more at peace again about my decision for this journey. It all comes back to having done so much in my life already, that this just feels right for me. With or without a partner.  I also tend to think that many like minded women, w/ similar backgrounds end up in this situation....successful, independent, maybe had poor relationships w/ one parent or the other, not too sure about relationships, difficulty w/ trust in general. So we just say, to heck w/ it....we'll do this ourselves too. I can really relate to some SMC blogs about this. 

For me, I am not close to my Dad. He was emotionally absent growing up and I was so attached to my mom. She was an amazing mother, basically was both parents since my Dad was there, but wasn't there...you know?  My counselor always says you learn about relationships first by watching your parents, and I think my biggest lesson was "if you want it done right (or at all) you need to do it yourself." And I think I have relationship difficulties today stemming from it.  I read a book awhile ago about how a father's emotional absence can impact girls. I read through the list of 'what to look out for' and it described me and my behavior better than I could have. Couldn't believe it.  But then I ask the question, so what? What do I do about it? The past is just that.  However, it impacts me now because I am 36 years old (37 next month), still single.  I am sure my past has lead up to this, but my current behavior isn't correcting for it. I am not "out there", really trying to work it.  Very good topic for a new counselor, I'd say?

At least tonight I am happy I am on this path...I have the freedom to choose this and make it happen.

House and Injectables

I spent a few hours at my new potential house today.  I met my contractor over there and we went through the remodeling plan I put together. It is basically gut it and start over, keeping the brick shell. It may seem like a ridiculous thing to take on right when I am trying to become a SMC, but for some reason I am excited about it. I have all sorts of ideas about what I want, finishes, where some new walls and openings should go. Normally this stuff stresses me out, but for right now I am having fun w/ it.  Part of the plan is to gut and re-do the kitchen.  In order to get started w/ that I needed to get exact measurements of walls, windows, ceiling height, etc..  So, I measured the whole kitchen (multiple times since my obsessive personality wanted to make sure it was right) and I am confident I have the correct measurements. This is VERY important to make sure of before trying to layout and order new kitchen cabinets, appliances, etc...because once you place the order that's it, it better be right.  After I was done w/ all that I went over to a few stores to look at cabinets, appliances, sinks, moulding, doors, you name it. I will need all of it.
I really like my contractor guy, even though he talks a lot. He did work for me before and he is a bit younger...been doing this 8-10 years rather than like 20. He is a nice guy, does good work, but we will see on the bid...price clearly important. However, part of me thinks that unless it is totally unrealistic, I am going to sign w/ him anyway. 
If all goes well, I will be closing on the house December 16, next Friday. That is moved up a few days from what I was planing, but I'm fine w/ it....seller asked if we could since she is flying in from out of town.

I started my injectables for baby last night. The follistim actually kinda hurt, but the other one was fine. Even though it is 3 injections now, it really isn't that bad.  The one I am worried about is the progesterone in oil that is administered in rear. Needle a lot longer and most have said those will be bothersome. 
Thinking through the medications overall......I am going to knock on wood, but my mood, etc.. has been pretty stable throughout. I am so thankful, since that was my biggest worry about taking all of these meds. I don't know if I am lucky, or what....but it's been a pleasant surprise. 

Saturday Night Fun!

When I was over at the house I envisioned the room next to the master as the baby's room, the crib popped in my mind, along w/ the rocker, then the changing table next to the wall. Exciting.  Less scary these days than it has been over last month or so. Maybe I've pushed through that fear "wall" and can begin to get excited and look forward to it again.

I do feel better today than I have this past week. I think my sleep is getting back on track (which after talking w/ a friend I realized is my biggest derailer). When my sleep gets off, my whole body and mind follow.

Lots to come and look forward to.

Bleh

Well, I just placed my final order at the bank (hopefully). I called my Dr.'s office to make sure what kind of vials I needed and how many. She said the cheapest and only one.  Boy I hope they send me a super vial! Seriously this could be it and a baby comes from this. I have a Dr. appointment tomorrow morning to start my labwork. If all goes well, I will start the other 2 injectables to start growing my eggs tomorrow night at 7pm. Yippee now 3 shots to the belly every night.

It's been a crappy several days. I have been at home for 3 days (today the third). It's a mixture of physical and mental.  I am finding a pattern that usually after I travel I have this 'down' period, but in addition to the thanksgiving travel I had the hysteroscopy last Friday. The anesthesia/sleeping made me feel crummy on top of it.  I kind of get this overall only wanting to sleep, not leave my apartment, not much energy, and have no desire to interact w/ people. Also, my uterus still feels like it is 'healing'...So I worked somewhat from home, slept a lot, and haven't left my apartment much.  I will shake out of it, I always do. Kinda bummed because I had been making pretty good strides w/ feeling pretty good, good energy, etc..but these 'blips' come every now and again. I probably could have forced myself to go to work, but I just couldn't muster it up.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I will go to work.

Good Shopping Trip

It took me a little longer to feel better from the hysteroscopy. The anesthesia made me drowsy so I slept on and off Friday and Saturday. As a result...felt crummy yesterday so I finally forced myself to go to the gym, then the grocery store, then I cooked my weeks' worth of meals. Go me! 

It was a great shopping trip because when I was at the store I kind of had an AHA moment. I'll warn you, it is not a big one, nor is it novel....but I just looked around at all the different people with kids...older, younger, different socio-economic backgrounds, etc. and one thing kept popping in my head...."They are all doing this, why couldn't I? What do they have that I don't?" Because I couldn't come up with anything major, it just sort of made me feel a bit better and more calm about my thoughts. I could envision me, baby, and my sister walking around the store like all of these other people and somehow it just made it more normal.....and doable. I think I just got out of my head for a minute......and took a good look around.  People do it. Everywhere. For generations. I'm just a bit different in that I am throwing in the 'choice' aspect.  Another friend of mine recently mentioned to me that if I got pregnant w/ a boyfriend, he left, I'd certainly find a way to make it work.  And I really would.

All I can say is that I feel a little less anxious at the moment...and I am gonna take it.

Procedure

I had my hysteroscopy today.  Wasn't sure what to expect for this, but the only thing I did know was I would have a long wait at Dr.'s office.  My good friend dropped me off at 10:30am (didn't leave until around 1:30). I had the medication class I was supposed to have on Tuesday, then waited and waited. I got pretty nervous again in the waiting room. It's hard to explain if it's an anxiety, fear, or combo....my chest gets a little tighter, my thoughts spin faster, there's a tiny tiny 'unsettled' feeling, and I constantly ask myself if I should keep going, how bad do I want this? There are women who are at the point and will do anything to make this dream come true.  I'm struggling w/ the "anything" part....maybe because I feel like I fast forwarded my journey by jumping to IVF. This process is so much more involved and invasive than I had even considered. Perhaps I need to go back to counseling to help me work through some of this, because this fear, anxiety or whatever theme keeps cominging up whenever I go to the Dr.'s office, or out of town for that matter.  It's funny, I feel most confident when I am safe in my apartment and reading SMC weblogs.  About the counselor, that's another story because while I've like my counselor for past few years, I think I need more. It's daunting to think about looking for someone new and starting over again.

Back to procedure....
They finally took me back and they have a whole surgical suite back there. Had no idea. It was really like you were in the hospital w/ curtains, gurneys, IV's, the whole bit.  I got on my hair net, my booties, and the gown. Why a lot of us take pictures of our feet, I don't know...but I just had to. I am pretty tall so they hung off end of bed!

There were two beds back there separated by a curtain, and another woman in the next one. I heard the nurse say "talk to your embryos, it's important". She told the nurse she had the retrieval on this past Wednesday. I suspect it wasn't her first one since the nurse said "this time" fresh transfer. My mind kept wandering to, "What is that woman thinking, feeling right now....? What got her here, does she have support?"
I actually wanted to pull the curtain back and just offer her a good luck. That's not like me either, but I just had some heart for this woman.

Then the anesthesiologist came in. He was really funny and had a bit of a German accent, I think. He kept cracking jokes, and I actually laughed outloud....and I'm not one to think that many jokes are funny.  He tried to get IV started in my hand and couldn't. He was so upset. He said it was physically hard on me, but emotionally hard on him since he couldn't remember the last time he didn't get it on the first try. He was so nice that I honestly didn't care. It did hurt in my hand, though.
My Dr. talked w/ me a bit before the procedure and said everything should go just fine. I like the fact that he is so soft-spoken, calming. Then I walked from my gurney to the back surgical room. Got up on the table in the right spot and the medicine was injected....I felt a little spacey, then out. Next thing I know the nurse asked me to scootch to the gurney and they took me back in other room. It only took like 25 minutes.

I stayed in my bed for another 15 minutes or so, got up, dressed, and my friend was there to pick me up. I am so thankful for her being there and supporting me. It makes a big difference in my spirits :)

I got home and pretty much laid on the sofa or my bed the rest of today. Of course now I am not tired since it is 11pm and I slept all day. I hadn't planned to, but my head felt a bit 'fuzzy' and it just made me tired. I do have some cramping and bleeding (which is normal he said).  Because I slept on and off I totally forgot that I hadn't taken the Lupron at 7pm. Shame on me. So, I took it at 10:15pm. 

I feel kinda crummy now since I had the meds and slept a lot etc.. but I think tomorrow will be better.