Change and Quarantine

So, we are now on lock-down as of Tuesday night at midnight.  I've been working from home for quite some time, so that wasn't a new transition....but what has been a new transition is Tuesday morning when my nanny was supposed to be here at 9:00 she texted at 8:45 and said she wasn't coming for at least the two weeks of lockdown.  On one hand, I understand it's crazy time w/ pandemic, she lives with her extended family....but on the otherhand, she had been coming every day before Tuesday and we are all quarantined. It's not like going to an office building, it's coming to another home. My immediate reaction was....crap. I certainly didn't argue w/ her, though, and just accepted she's not coming for awhile.
And....basically picked myself by my bootstraps and started digging in to being a stay at home, single parent, who works, cooks, cleans, does laundry, takes care of my energetic children, takes them on bike rides/walks, schools them, and what else am I forgetting?  It's a lot all at once but I know I'm not alone in this, so so many other people are in similar circumstances...but when you are home by yourself as the only adult, it can feel quite daunting.

Yesterday we picked up a device from my daughter's school, a little ipad, so she could log in to do her school work. Spent most of the day trying to 'get in' to the apps and simply just logging in. Lots of time spent w/ IT, but we finally got it.  Unfortunately the school's system is not very reliable so we keep getting bounced off of the connection. I'm thinking about just buying a device.

I finally purchased a personal laptop which I thought was going to be delivered by end of day today--turns out, it was just the external device I ordered at same time. I really needed to get a new laptop because  I've spent the last few years using my work laptop--which I am typing on now and will be turning in next Friday. Yes, I'm still going to follow my plan (despite the state of the world/U.S.) and take a work break.  The timing, unfortunately, isn't the best.  My plan was to 'ease' into not working and staying at home....perhaps have the nanny work through end of April, etc.. but the virus sure has turned that upside down.  

I'm trying to remain as positive as possible since being grumpy really won't help anything--although I have to say I 'm stressed and anxious about sickness. I can't go anywhere w/out thinking about infection. Like many others, I've got sanitizer everywhere and keep squirting the kids' hands as well. Also washing hands as often as possible w/out being too crazy about it. The kids know now to go in , use soap, count 20 seconds--I hear them count outloud.

In the midst of dealing w/ the crazy, I've also been trying to stay focused and work w/ my therapist on several changes I need to make in order to meet my goals of:

1) Being healthy

2) Not sweating as much (not sure how much control I have over this one)

3) Being even more active w/ my children ( I say even more, because we currently bike ride, take walks, go to the park, play in cul de sac, etc.)

In order to reach 1-3, we've lined out several things I need to do--some now, some in the future.

Now:

1) Stop drinking caffeine. I stopped drinking caffeine as of last Tuesday. I am allowing myself caffeine free diet soda for now....but the plan will be to eliminate all soda eventually.

2) Reduce amount of times I eat out at a restaurant. My pattern was to eat out lunch pretty much every day, 7 days a week. I'm not giving it up completely, but limiting. And right now I simply can't go to a restaurant and eat in the dining area. Yes, I can get drive through, but my pattern was to actually go and eat AT the restaurant because I just looked forward to that ME time.....where someone else was taking care of everything and I just had to sit there and eat. I really looked forward to that time every day.  So, last week I only ate out 1 time in 7 days.  I'm not sure when the last time I did that was....years. I am still going to eat out w/ the kids on Saturday lunch and/or sunday dinner. We all look forward to and enjoy that.  It is also part of my financial plan to reduce cost w/ limiting this as well.

3) Work on my sleep behavior.  Somewhere along the line I started surfing my phone in bed which is so not good for me. In addition, since I would have caffeine, I would not get to bed until 1-3 am sometimes, then my son would be in at 6 something.  That's one of the main reasons I've lived w/sleep deprivation for so long. Limited and not good quality sleep.  I told my therapist I used to read before bed and she said why not bring that back??  I thought, yes, great idea. I need to get a lamp. I've lived in my house for almost 5 years and don't have a bedside lamp because I haven't made it a priority to do.  SO, I had a lamp just sitting in the living room (not plugged in because I honestly thought it didn't work), and just tried it w/ a bulb and walah! A working lamp.  So, put it in my bedroom this past Monday night, pulled a book out of the cabinet,  and have been reading before going to sleep every night--and not looking at my phone.  It's kind of crazy that it's been sooooo long since I've read before bed. And you know what?? It was weirdly comforting. It made me think of my mom, somehow...maybe because the last time I was reading regularly was that long ago. I will admit it gave me a headache a bit because I think my brain wasn't used to looking at a real book and I certainly have to hold it farther back than I used to. But, I'm now looking forward to continuing my story and it encourages me to go to bed earlier and keep reading.

For later:

1) Joining a gym and work with a trainer. Had started looking already but of course w/ everything shut down, will wait on this one.
2) Making the house more functional--need some office space and I don't want it in my bedroom. Also, we have an area at the front of the house we don't really use, so we will repurpose. Going to work w/ same guy who helped me at construction house. He's great. We started right before all of this mess so will pick back up when all is better.
3) Projects I want to do but haven't spent time doing i.e. putting babybooks together, organizing the kids' school papers, etc..

So overall I am feeling really good about the direction I am headed.  I have done more 'things' to help myself in the last month or so than I have in a really long time. I get stuck in my head a lot and that turns into inaction and stewing and more inaction. I like this therapist and I think she's really helping me get 'unstuck' and just do it. Having to be accountable to her and report back is a motivator for me. It's kind of like school and she gives me assignments.  I loved school so maybe that's why this works well for me.

Well, I know these next few weeks/months will not be easy. My son has the hardest time w/ change. When I originally told them I was staying home w/ them my son said 'YES!' very excited. However, as the week has gone on, he's been acting out a bit like torturing his sister, not really listening well to me, and hollering more than usual. It's hard for him to verbally express anything at 5, so I'm trying my best to be patient and supportive to him.
My daughter seems to be unfazed. I asked her if she missed school and she said no. She misses her one friend June just a little, but she's happy to hang out at home, watch shows, and play some games on the new device. I will say she's had a few rough days as well here and there. Last Sunday was a whopper....we hadn't had a day like that in a while where it was like she was just fighting/arguing about ev-ery-thing. She has made so much progress from October, but at the end of that day it reminded me so much of how things used to be during the weekends. Just so hard and it felt like such a battleground. But, she's done much better these last few days, so I have a feeling some of that was tied up in things changing so quickly and she hasn't been feeling the greatest over last few days. In fact, I took her to the Dr. today because last few days she's been complaining of shortness of breath and started coughing. So yeah, I called pretty quick this am. Thankfully, she is just fine.
I will say any cough, sneeze, my 'fill in the blank' hurts.....I go on high alert. The hysteria has gotten to me, I think, and I'm just on edge about any one of us getting sick.

Our grocery stores have now had some time to stock back up and it doesn't feel so chaotic in there. Panic buyers wiped a lot of things out and it stressed me out seeing all the empty shelves. Couldn't even buy hot dogs. I limit how much news I watch and I check a specific website 1-2 times a day to update on how some states are doing, death rates, etc.. It scares me so I try not to dwell....just stay informed. Our city is on lockdown until end of next week.....and then I guess we'll just see. We aren't even going to the parks anymore since Monday.  A friend keeps forwarding 'things to do for kids' and I'll just say there are a lot of creative people out there. That's not me.  We'll stick to our play-do, coloring, throwing the football, fort-building, playing in the hose, playing endless games of uno, etc..
I need to get in the groove of how we will do 'school' and build a family daily routine, but I'm trying not to pressure myself too much. I'm just thankful I was able to put a decent meal on the table these last few days--spaghetti and breakfast-dinner of pancakes and bacon. I am actually proud of myself of how our meals have turned out so far....I just need more practice.

Here's to hoping for safety and health for anyone reading this.

This World

Wow.....so much chaos going on right now.  The cor.ona virus all over the news, our schools were just closed all of next week, so many sports cancelled, the stock market continuing to fall, and no toilet paper anywhere.
I will admit that in the past when there was a global pandemic, I might not have paid very close attention.  It was always "out there" and I'll be fine, not to worry.  Right now I'm actually paying attention--and worrying.  I think I've become a complete germophobe.  I'm paying attention to every surface I touch wondering, is it infected? Did someone who touched it before me, were they infected?  For example: the gas pump handle, sitting at a restaurant table, opening the door to the restaurant. The cleaning people came to my house and I wondered if they were bringing in germs from the last house they cleaned.
It seems that things are shutting down everywhere. At my office -a very large corporation-they sent a note out today telling everyone who can to work from home.
It's all a bit frightening.  I am in a state where there are less than 100 cases and no confirmed deaths, but the numbers rise daily. I keep watch to see the new daily totals across the U.S..
Big picture is to keep following what the specialists recommend, hand washing, etc....but then it becomes the tactical, what am I going to do w/ the kids to keep them occupied w/ out school another week? I won't take them to any play places, or really any public place except maybe the grocery store. What if it goes on another week after that?  All the what if's.
I know we will manage, but like I said, I am really paying attention this time.

An another topic of 'this world'.....my sweet, innocent, seven year old daughter was threatened at school on Thursday last week. She came out of school very upset, but didn't tell our nanny until dinner someone was going to hurt her at lunchtime the next day. Apparently the story is: Boy 1 came to her with a note asking if she wanted to be Boy 1's girlfriend or Boy 2's girlfriend.  She wrote maybe on both. Apparently Boy 1 told Boy 2, and Boy 2 got really upset. SO, Boy 1 came back to my daughter and said that Boy 2 said he was going to harm her (I don't even want to type what he actually said, it's beyond terrible) at lunch on Friday. My girl was so upset she told the teacher as well after it happened.
The next morning I emailed the teacher with what my girl said and also called the assistant principal. Apparently the teacher had already forwarded my email and the asst principal was already investigating.  She called me back and confirmed that Boy 1 admitted he did in fact say a terrible thing to my daughter. What she didn't know was whether Boy 2 said it, OR if Boy 1 made it up.
Either way, my daughter didn't know the difference and had to go through an awful experience. I just shake my head and ball up my fists. I can tell you my mama bear came out and I wanted to stomp over to the school and....well, do and say some not nice things.
The school seemed to handle it promptly (which is what I would have expected), the principal said she was involving the 2 boys' parents, discipline would be used, she would quarantine the kids in a separate area during recess, they would both be moved away from her in class, and the principal would talk to my daughter upon returning to school to make sure she understood that school is safe.
Other than moving my girl to another class, I think that's about all they could do.

What in the world is wrong w/ kids these days.....is it their parents? Is the kid messed up? Does he play too many video games?  Clearly I will not know, but I will say I'm just disgusted this happened to my kid.

New Beginnings

So.....I'm finally going to do it!! I am leaving (or taking a break) from corporate america!! I've been talking about this for years, it seems.  I've been working towards having the choice to be at home, work part time, or basically whatever I chose to since my daughter was born in 2012.

AND I MADE IT!  I am so so proud of myself that I've made smart financial decisions, taken risks in real estate, and moved multiple times in my career....all which contributed to my goal.

What does this mean, what does it look like? Well, I am working through April 3, 2020. My boss and I talked and I told him I just think this is a good time for me to step away and refocus on myself.  I've talked through all of this w/ my new therapist and she made a statement that is ringing w/ me......that 2020 is the year of me!

What I'm not sure of yet is how to manage with the nanny. I do want her to stay on for a bit so I can transition more easily, so likely she will work through end of April. I'm going to just see on that one i.e. see how I feel/how it goes.

I'm working w/ my therapist on a plan to make this year successful. My biggest focus is my health, the other is just finding 'me' again. I've spent the last 10 years focused on building my family and then taking care of my littles, that I got lost somewhere. I really haven't turned the mirror back at myself for such a long long time.

Im nervous--how will I feel w/ no income coming in? Can I really do this? How do I even begin? .....but, even w/ the anxious thoughts and worry, there is no better time. I'm really just tired of feeling so tired, overweight, and exhausted all of the time. I'm at my highest weight ever--in fact I weigh now what I did when I was 9 months pregnant w/ my son. That's sad.

I keep saying this to myself.....nothing will change unless I change something.  Some examples....

I know this will mean I have to make a lot of changes i.e. stop drinking caffeine, limit eating out, working on a sleep routine (no napping), start exercising regularly, focus on my nutrition.....just to name a few things.

My therapist is helping me structure the next month, then summer, then fall when kids go back to school. I asked her honestly, does she think this is all doable....she said I just need support.

She's totally right. She's a firecracker....she's really smart....and I see her more of a life coach versus a therapist. She's helping me focus forward on what needs to change and steps to make that happen.

One of the things we discussed is I'm always looking forward, what's next. I've done this especially w/ my current home. I've had boxes lined up against my bedroom wall for 4 years now.  Mostly because it wasn't a priority for me , but also.....I never really fully moved in here. I'm not wanting to commit to new furniture or anything because well, what if it won't fit in the new space? A few thoughts she had: the room I spend the most time in is the most disorganized (well, not including the toy room at the moment). And she's totally right. Why is that?? I've worked out of my bedroom for 2 years now and I just don't enjoy the space anymore. Also she says.. why don't you get a desk??  And yes, of course I need a desk. 

So my homework was, look at buying a desk.  Interestingly enough that turned into, I don't really want an office space in my bedroom. I want that space totally clear.  So then I said, why don't I call my designer friend who helped me w/ construction house to come and make my home more of what I want i.e help make the space I have more functional for me and the kids. The reality is, we'll likely be here for the next year to two (I don't want to commit longer than that!), but why not make it a home I love, that I'm proud of the way it looks, etc..

So, I'm going to focus on that and just do it. Not look at magazines for 4 months and not complete it.

I'm kind of excited to already have a project I can focus on.

Overall there are big changes coming, but I am SO so excited......nervous, anxious....but mostly looking forward to getting strong and healthy again. The reason I wrote at the top (maybe taking a break) is that I'm not sure how I'm going to think/feel. So, I'm giving myself a year. I may go back to work after that, I may work part time, etc.. but I want to at least say one year--it seems more palatable to me and less overwhelming to think about.

Speaking of other new beginnings.......we needed to re-set expectations in the house. There started to be a lot of arguing, fighting, etc.. and they both (well, mostly my girl) were really pushing things w/ the nanny. 

SO, we made up new house rules and consequences.  They apply to me too.  I sat them down in the living room and I explained why we needed these rules, and they jumped on board helping to create them AND to come up w/ the consequences.  I feel like it really really has helped give us some structure again. They are behaving much better as well. I was really proud of how quickly they stepped in to share what they were thinking and come up w/ a solution.

Here they are. They are written out and taped up above our fireplace.

Another first in the house: my girl is going on her first sleep over at her friend June's house tonight. I can't believe she's old enough for this!  This little girl was in her class last year, but this year they became much closer and are now BFF's. We went to June's birthday at her house a few months ago, she's come here for a playdate (which was interesting because she's not used to having a little brother following all around, so wasn't too fond of that and went home early). But my girl and June have been hatching a plan to have a sleep over for like two weeks. She's super excited.....however, I've been trying to delicately say she can always come home if she needs to. Her brother is having a fit. He's been walking around all week saying, 'That's not fair!'. Poor guy...when we first learned June's mom said yes, he asked where he was going to sleep? I had to explain that just his sister was going and he's been frustrated ever since. I told him we'll do some fun stuff too and to not worry. Maybe we'll even get donuts.

My girl is always making something, so here's some cute things I've captured......

I love her spelling. "Cat Dance Party"....

Her trap for the tooth fairy. See the tape on the magnets and animals? Her tooth is in the magnet box (she lost it at school) She even made a little Welcome sign.

We just finished flag football for the first time w/ my son. He loved it. Although it's supposed to be 'flag football', he tended to actually tackle a few of the kids. Oh em gee. He does this at home too....constantly tackling his sister. I had to actually put it in the rules....tackling ok ONLY if the other person agrees. It was about two months of Saturdays, and the next sport we are off to is soccer at end of March through May. My girl said she's ready to get back into sports again. She's feeling so much better....we've added vitamin D drops to her daily and it really has seemed to help w/ the fatigue.

One last new beginning....my son learned how to read!! Shortly after his 5th birthday last fall, I noticed that when we watched football he was always saying the right teams. I assumed he just memorized their mascots, etc.. but as the season continued, he'd say hey mom, the ravens are playing the eagles, or something like that. I would always ask him, 'how do you know that'? He'd say, 

I just know".  Then after football was over, we've started watching basketball. And then it became, hey mom, Kansas is playing Wisconsin, the score is 20 to 10.....Kansas is rated, the other team isn't, etc.. He started understanding records, ratings, and scores. Which I LOVE because watching sports is something I've always enjoyed. Anyway, just recently he started reading words out of books and words on things/papers he saw. It was so exciting!!

I think it's hilarious that my son learned to read from watching sports and could read most NFL and basketball teams before even reading in an actual book.

Such a boy.

Results

I had hoped to get the 5 day report over the weekend on Saturday, but something told me I'd probably not hear anything until today.  I ended up calling the Dr.'s office early this afternoon and the IVF Dr. happened to pick up the phone. I spoke to her and she walked me through the lab notes and it appears that of the 7 that fertilized, 4 (or so) were 4 cell at day 2 or 3 (I can't remember), then by day 5 there was only 1 remaining and it wasn't good enough quality to freeze.
What that means? The cycle basically did not work and I do not have any embryos to transfer.

It brought tears to my eyes. So sad and so final, at least that's what was going through my mind. I had said to myself if I even got 1, that would be a good result and that if I got none, then that was it.  The Dr. tried to be kind and said that in a way, it's better if it was not going to work, to not work now. Instead of IF I got a 5 day embryo, hopes were up,  and then the transfer didn't work.  She said that has happened to many of their patients--that they got 5 day, transferred, and none of them have resulted in a pregnancy. I will assume she meant none of them for people my age. And as hard as it is to accept, I agree with her.  I've been through a transfer that by all signs was completely on track and just didn't work--with many years younger eggs. There is a lot of medication, time, commitment, cost, emotions, all tied up into that process as well.

I think at any point, in any of the processes, if it doesn't work.....there is a sense of loss for the what if's? But I think that's the other thing that I rest my head and heart on is that I tried everything at the pace and speed that made sense at the time.  I don't regret waiting to do my transfer until last year with the 3 embryos I had stored when my son was 4 and daughter was 6.  I was deep in little human raising (let's not forget that my son didn't sleep well for 4 years) that I couldn't possibly imagine trying to have another one at the time.  What's interesting is that because I had those 3 embryos frozen for so long, it didn't occur to me that if I tried with them that it wouldn't work. If I had known earlier that the transfer wouldn't work, I could have potentially done an egg retrieval earlier yadda yadda...but of course, I didn't know. From a scientific point of view, mother nature still plays a role, even in IVF. You can have the best 5 days, the best lining, the best estrogen...whatever the case and it still fails.

So, my initial thoughts are that I am SO glad I tried this cycle. I can guarantee that I would have had regrets if I didn't try. AND, I would have rather tried and failed then never tried at all. I gave it my best shot with my own genetics and yeah it sucks it failed.

The Dr. did ask what I wanted to do, if anything, next.....and right now, my answer is that's probably it.  She said if I tried a retrieval again, that I would have a 95% chance of having the same outcome. Originally that was the plan, two retrievals, then see what might come out of that. Well, I did one and we now know the answer. She mentioned that this door may be closed, but there are other doors to consider.  Yes, that's true, but for now, I need to just process.

Procedure and Report

Egg retrieval was today.

I honestly have been so so nervous over the last few days, especially after doing the trig.ger shot on Saturday night. For some reason I kept wondering if I would ovulate early, if there would be any eggs, would moving around too much 'do something' to them, should I just be sitting down and waiting? I was also feeling pretty full and uncomfortable so I was ready to get this movin.

I got to the Dr. office early this morning (for a change)...got there around 7am, for arrival appt at 7:15am. Wouldn't you know we were locked out and noone was there.  This has happened to me a few times over the years at this office. I was okay waiting until 7:15, but then I just started getting frustrated. How do they not have someone open the doors on time?
Finally they opened up and I got checked in and waited. Old nanny was with me, she came in town on Saturday and will stay through tomorrow. It really was nice having a friend there with me to talk a bit, listen to my chatter, and hold my purse. There was only one other couple in there this morning with us.

It really didn't take too long and they called me back to the little surgery area. There was not much to the check in once I was laying on the gurney....just blood pressure, a few questions....then nurse said we were just waiting for the Dr. and anesthesiology.  As I'm laying there I was feeling pretty anxious...like wanting to crawl out of my skin anxious. I had to force myself to focus on mentally relaxing myself and do some deep breathing, laid on my side to get more comfortable, and just focused on the design on the curtain.  Once the Dr. came he came in to talk and said he was very happy with how I responded and was thinking the retrieval would go very well. He had reached over to touch my arm and what I love about this Dr. is he is just so calming, and he has the softest hands on the planet. They are so smooth and comforting.
Dr. was getting a bit impatient because anesthesiology was still not in the building. We waited and waited....and finally, they just had me walk into the surgery room so we could just get totally prepped and then start the minute he arrived. Still more waiting.....then finally. Anesth. showed up.
He had trouble w/ my IV, unfortunately, and ended up starting it in my wrist--which was really uncomfortable. He had to poke me multiple times, which hurt each time, and I was just trying to stay calm. He asked me if he was hurting me....umm yeah, you are. He did finally get it and the Dr. and nurse started turning off lights to get started and he said woah, he still needed a few minutes to get everything set up. My Dr. was ready to go, clearly!
Then I got the lovely medication which I was then waiting to go to sleep.....and I was just lying there eyes open. I finally said, 'um, you know I'm still awake right?'....of course they did but normally it happens very quick, medicine, then out.

Next thing I know Im being wheeled out. I asked whoever was around me how many we got and I thought I heard someone say 3.  My heart just sank. Oh no......no. 
They wheeled me back where I started and I heard the Dr. outside my curtain so I asked him to come in. I asked how many eggs did we get and he said 10.  I said, 10? He said 10.  Just to make sure I heard correctly, I said 'did you say 10?!'.....He smiled and said yes, 10. He was so, so pleased with that number he said he was just so happy w/ that outcome.

Im also so thrilled with the result as I honestly was worried about the what if's that might happen....but to get 10 eggs from 10 follicles (or 11, they kept going back and forth w/ how many I actually had) is great news.  Dr. said next step is to see what fertilizes, then grows to blast over next several days.  I'm still a bit surprised and in disbelief almost. This just exceeded my expectations.

Now, on to thinking about the next steps and here's where the quality comes into play. You can have a lot of eggs, but if none of them are normal, well.....clearly that's not good. BUT, I'm keeping positive thoughts over the next several days and also planning to take it easy w/ recovery i.e. supposed to be bedrest today, then a bit more normal tomorrow.


Sunflower, I can't thank you enough for your supportive comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer encouragement.

Another Surprise

I just returned from my IVF monitoring appointment and learned of a great surprise. Over the last two monitoring appointments my right ovary was responding well i.e. 4 follicles, and the left one was so-so i.e. 1 follicle, so total of 5. I was starting to get a bit worried because starting out w/ only 5 follicles, likely not all with eggs, likely quality issues....well, I was the doing the math. When she first started the scan today she actually couldn't find the one on my left ovary. I started thinking during the scan today aw man, I wonder if they will have to cancel?

But guess what?  Because she was having trouble, she had the Dr. come in and right away the Dr. found them....a few seconds later the coordinator starts counting....one, two, three.....seven! There are actually seven measurable follicles on the left for a total of 11 all together. That's close to what I had during the round for my son.  Now, the ones on the left are a bit smaller i.e. 16/17, etc and there are two on the right that are 20 and 21....and they want them all to be pretty consistent in size. 
I have no idea why they were hard to find for the coordinator, but at least the Dr. came in today to take a look herself. It's not my main Dr. in the office, but she runs the IVF group and all of the protocols. Since she was there I asked her how she thought all of this was going and she said I was responding better than she thought I would. Alrighty then. She's the same Dr. that when I started exploring IVF mid last year she started off with, "Tell me what you want to hear".  Can't say I'm connected with her well, but she won't be doing the retrieval anyway.

Next steps:
I need to wait until my labs are in and they look at the whole picture to decide, instructions will be on my portal tonight. It's possible if I trigger tonight then I will have retrieval on Sunday at the earliest. I'm ready for the stimulation to be done, as now that it has been 10 days, my ovaries are feeling quite full and starting to be uncomfortable.  I'm also on a steroid which makes me flush/hot on/off throughout the day...could also be the other medications.
This protocol hasn't been overly difficult and I've handled the medications really really well this time. I've actually felt good throughout, so that has been such a nice surprise. I'm taking men.opur 225 (injection), gon.al 150 (injection), cl.omid 2 pills daily, dexa.methasone steriod 1 pill daily, and since I have a few bigger follicles and trying to get others to catch up I started cet.rodtide .25 (injection).  I'm also on supplements--pre.natal vitamin, Co.Q.10 (600), methyl.folate.
When I type it out, it kind of seems like a lot, doesn't it.

Im still just processing this as.....will take it step by step and see how it goes. I'm not putting too much thought into the what if's because a) that doesn't help and b) the outcome is the outcome.
Again I go back to, I felt so so strongly about doing this that it just wouldn't leave my consciousness. I tried a lot of things to distract me (whole house remodel that I need to still put up the pictures), and I kept coming back to this. So, I am content in following my heart right now.

A few other good things I met w/ my therapist again yesterday and she really is sharp. She is insightful, challenging, can keep up w/ my stream of thoughts, etc.. Our main focus right now is to work on my sleep. Sleep has been a nemesis of mine for many years...at least 10+.  Part of it may be physical i.e. mild ap.nea, however a lot of it has to do w/ my sleep hygiene. I drink caffeine diet soda at lunch, it disrupts my ability to naturally fall asleep, keeps me awake longer, and quality of sleep is affected. Honestly I need to just quit. But that's hard to do /w addictions, isn't it? I've tried several things in past (like drinking only caffeine free) and have always fallen off, but she's helping me frame that as--trying is success, even if the behavior wasn't changed. My thinking it's more like, success only comes if behavior is changed.
The approach now is that I will remain caffeine free for 5 of 7 days in a week.  I wanted a back up 2 days because I didn't want to have a moment and feel like I failed.
I think this is reasonable. Honestly I may get to a place where the decision has to be none at all.....because it is such a slippery slope for me. Having one turns into having one the next day, and so on such that its habit again.

The other thing is sometimes I don't always sleep in my bed. I've been falling asleep in the recliner, sleeping on the couch, etc.. and I just am not sure why? Perhaps because my room became a place to work rather than sleep, I prefer being away from it?
So, I'm supposed to go to bed by 11:30 every night.  This is a hard one. Mostly because my 'me time' is after the kids go to bed. I can just sit out here, decompress, and I find that this is the time I recharge myself. The kids have been sleeping by 830-ish so you would think 3 hours is enough?!
I actually think if I drop the caffeine this one would be much easier because I'll actually be tired!

A lot of my issue is I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff and not actually doing. It's time to change that. More to come.

Surprise

So yeah, this happened. The xray is of MY right foot/ankle and I have a Weber A fibula ankle fracture. I had no idea!  Basically, mid December I was out playing w/ my son in our cul de sac. We were up on the curb and I stepped off of it w/ my right foot and my ankle completely 'rolled' I swear in half.  It was the most painful ankle injury I ever had--even w/ all my years playing sports. It certainly made me fall to the ground and just lie there for a bit.  I ended up able to get up and hobble on it, so I did what I thought I should i.e. RICE Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.  It seemed to be helping somewhat so I just kept going w/ it, but it still was quite painful. I let it go through the holidays and finally last week I decided since it was still bothering me, I should get it checked out. With all my Dr. go.oogle I was convinced it was just a very bad sprain. I normally always go and get things checked out so I can't even say why I didn't for this.

Turns out I was wrong, it was fractured, and I should have been in a boot for the last month. The Dr. said I could boot it now for a few more weeks, but at this point, it's on it's way to healing. Then I would need to do some PT start of february when the bone heals a bit more. So, I decided no boot, take it easy, and let it just keep healing.

Aside from that, if I rewind over the end of last year to this point, there's been a lot going on (besides fractures).  It started with the stomach flu my girl brought home mid-dec. Then my son picked it up and kept getting everything else most of the holidays (Mid- Dec through the new year) sick.  There were several days where he was just miserable and as you can imagine, miserable 5 year old = miserable house. He was so over it that by our christmas eve candlelight at church he eventually made his way to the back of the church and was writhing around the floor because he didn't want to be there anymore.
I spent some time re-reading some old blog posts and realized just how much I talk about one, both, or all of us being sick or hurt.  There has just been a laundry list of  things over the years and because I dont have a ton of people to ask, I'm just going to assume that while everyone has their fair share, we just have had a lot? At least it just seems like it for me......It truly seems like someone is sick on/off ALL of the time and that makes it's way into a lot of my blog posts.....AND, I would also bet for every holidays we've got sickness running through our house for the last 5 years.

So, overall the holidays were ok, but a bit hard--noone was feeling that great. My sister came and that visit was quite bumpy. I had to call her out a few times for her behavior and she finally apologized and was able to get it together. I always hope it will be better the next time.....and the next time.  She's in a tough spot with adjusting some of her medications and that doesn't help.  This may just be how it is w/ her for awhile. There's more to unpack here, but I wanted to focus on something else.

So.
I'm doing IVF.
At 45.
Yup.

I made the decision in December that even though the statistics are quite low w/ own eggs at my age, I felt in my heart I needed to try.  I initially thought starting over to make embryos was a deal breaker for me, but nothing was helping me to find peace about being 'done'.  I struggled with what to do for months and then finally decided (after doing some additional labwork w/ the Dr. and finding out that insurance still covers the medications) that I'll do this one final attempt and just see.
I started the injectibles last week and so far, things have been progressing well.  The way my Dr. does it w/ my age is that they recommended 2 rounds of  stimulation and retrieval, then transfer a 5 day, tested embryo (s) when we make it that far. I talked to the Dr. and said I wanted to just see how it progresses and if after this first retrieval we get nothing, I may just stop all together.
Right now I have 5 follicles they are watching and measuring. The other day we had 6, so not sure what happened today.  I looked back at my old numbers and for my very first IVF  in 2011 I had 7 follicles, they got 6 eggs, 3 embryos transferred and that made my daughter.  Then I had the IVF in 2013 that we got no eggs at first, then 5 eggs but no viable embryos (fluke is what Dr. said). THEN, I had the next IVF in 2013 where we had 16-ish follicles, 10 eggs, 5 embryos. 2 embryos transferred to make my son, 3 thawed March 2019 and 2 transferred, no success.

So, having only 5 follicles seems quite low considering not all of those follicles may have eggs, they may not be good quality (that's basically what I am majorly up against), and it seems like the numbers usually keep halving i.e. 5 follicles, maybe 1-3 eggs, maybe? ......just won't know until I try.
Of course I've been scouring all the research and statistics and honestly most everything says it's a slim chance. But, I don't care. There's always that one.

Even though I've decided to move forward, I have still thought through what is it, why am I so driven to do this?  Part of it, I wonder, is just....well.....I've always been working towards a goal. When I was in school I was working to graduate, then graduate school, then corporate career for 10 years, then thinking about and building my family for the next 10 years.....and now here I am, blessed to be in such a great place in my life, and really on the cusp of 'what's next'?
I think it's harder then I thought to let go of the family building part of my life, and not really knowing or defining yet the 'what's next' for me and my family.

That's where I'm hoping my new therapist can help support me. She's the one in the same office my daughter's psychologist is in. Thankfully my girl is doing much better now and we are seeing her Dr. weekly still.
Anyway, I just started to see her before the holidays, but she spent the last month getting married and on honeymoon, so will be picking up again soon. She seems really smart, has a lot of energy, and had some good advice for me already....when I told her about possibly moving forward w/ IVF plans I talked about why, etc.. and her response was great...she said, just because it seems illogical to me, doesn't mean it's irresponsible.  I really liked that.

Will see how all this goes!