Surprise

So yeah, this happened. The xray is of MY right foot/ankle and I have a Weber A fibula ankle fracture. I had no idea!  Basically, mid December I was out playing w/ my son in our cul de sac. We were up on the curb and I stepped off of it w/ my right foot and my ankle completely 'rolled' I swear in half.  It was the most painful ankle injury I ever had--even w/ all my years playing sports. It certainly made me fall to the ground and just lie there for a bit.  I ended up able to get up and hobble on it, so I did what I thought I should i.e. RICE Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation.  It seemed to be helping somewhat so I just kept going w/ it, but it still was quite painful. I let it go through the holidays and finally last week I decided since it was still bothering me, I should get it checked out. With all my Dr. go.oogle I was convinced it was just a very bad sprain. I normally always go and get things checked out so I can't even say why I didn't for this.

Turns out I was wrong, it was fractured, and I should have been in a boot for the last month. The Dr. said I could boot it now for a few more weeks, but at this point, it's on it's way to healing. Then I would need to do some PT start of february when the bone heals a bit more. So, I decided no boot, take it easy, and let it just keep healing.

Aside from that, if I rewind over the end of last year to this point, there's been a lot going on (besides fractures).  It started with the stomach flu my girl brought home mid-dec. Then my son picked it up and kept getting everything else most of the holidays (Mid- Dec through the new year) sick.  There were several days where he was just miserable and as you can imagine, miserable 5 year old = miserable house. He was so over it that by our christmas eve candlelight at church he eventually made his way to the back of the church and was writhing around the floor because he didn't want to be there anymore.
I spent some time re-reading some old blog posts and realized just how much I talk about one, both, or all of us being sick or hurt.  There has just been a laundry list of  things over the years and because I dont have a ton of people to ask, I'm just going to assume that while everyone has their fair share, we just have had a lot? At least it just seems like it for me......It truly seems like someone is sick on/off ALL of the time and that makes it's way into a lot of my blog posts.....AND, I would also bet for every holidays we've got sickness running through our house for the last 5 years.

So, overall the holidays were ok, but a bit hard--noone was feeling that great. My sister came and that visit was quite bumpy. I had to call her out a few times for her behavior and she finally apologized and was able to get it together. I always hope it will be better the next time.....and the next time.  She's in a tough spot with adjusting some of her medications and that doesn't help.  This may just be how it is w/ her for awhile. There's more to unpack here, but I wanted to focus on something else.

So.
I'm doing IVF.
At 45.
Yup.

I made the decision in December that even though the statistics are quite low w/ own eggs at my age, I felt in my heart I needed to try.  I initially thought starting over to make embryos was a deal breaker for me, but nothing was helping me to find peace about being 'done'.  I struggled with what to do for months and then finally decided (after doing some additional labwork w/ the Dr. and finding out that insurance still covers the medications) that I'll do this one final attempt and just see.
I started the injectibles last week and so far, things have been progressing well.  The way my Dr. does it w/ my age is that they recommended 2 rounds of  stimulation and retrieval, then transfer a 5 day, tested embryo (s) when we make it that far. I talked to the Dr. and said I wanted to just see how it progresses and if after this first retrieval we get nothing, I may just stop all together.
Right now I have 5 follicles they are watching and measuring. The other day we had 6, so not sure what happened today.  I looked back at my old numbers and for my very first IVF  in 2011 I had 7 follicles, they got 6 eggs, 3 embryos transferred and that made my daughter.  Then I had the IVF in 2013 that we got no eggs at first, then 5 eggs but no viable embryos (fluke is what Dr. said). THEN, I had the next IVF in 2013 where we had 16-ish follicles, 10 eggs, 5 embryos. 2 embryos transferred to make my son, 3 thawed March 2019 and 2 transferred, no success.

So, having only 5 follicles seems quite low considering not all of those follicles may have eggs, they may not be good quality (that's basically what I am majorly up against), and it seems like the numbers usually keep halving i.e. 5 follicles, maybe 1-3 eggs, maybe? ......just won't know until I try.
Of course I've been scouring all the research and statistics and honestly most everything says it's a slim chance. But, I don't care. There's always that one.

Even though I've decided to move forward, I have still thought through what is it, why am I so driven to do this?  Part of it, I wonder, is just....well.....I've always been working towards a goal. When I was in school I was working to graduate, then graduate school, then corporate career for 10 years, then thinking about and building my family for the next 10 years.....and now here I am, blessed to be in such a great place in my life, and really on the cusp of 'what's next'?
I think it's harder then I thought to let go of the family building part of my life, and not really knowing or defining yet the 'what's next' for me and my family.

That's where I'm hoping my new therapist can help support me. She's the one in the same office my daughter's psychologist is in. Thankfully my girl is doing much better now and we are seeing her Dr. weekly still.
Anyway, I just started to see her before the holidays, but she spent the last month getting married and on honeymoon, so will be picking up again soon. She seems really smart, has a lot of energy, and had some good advice for me already....when I told her about possibly moving forward w/ IVF plans I talked about why, etc.. and her response was great...she said, just because it seems illogical to me, doesn't mean it's irresponsible.  I really liked that.

Will see how all this goes!