Results

I had hoped to get the 5 day report over the weekend on Saturday, but something told me I'd probably not hear anything until today.  I ended up calling the Dr.'s office early this afternoon and the IVF Dr. happened to pick up the phone. I spoke to her and she walked me through the lab notes and it appears that of the 7 that fertilized, 4 (or so) were 4 cell at day 2 or 3 (I can't remember), then by day 5 there was only 1 remaining and it wasn't good enough quality to freeze.
What that means? The cycle basically did not work and I do not have any embryos to transfer.

It brought tears to my eyes. So sad and so final, at least that's what was going through my mind. I had said to myself if I even got 1, that would be a good result and that if I got none, then that was it.  The Dr. tried to be kind and said that in a way, it's better if it was not going to work, to not work now. Instead of IF I got a 5 day embryo, hopes were up,  and then the transfer didn't work.  She said that has happened to many of their patients--that they got 5 day, transferred, and none of them have resulted in a pregnancy. I will assume she meant none of them for people my age. And as hard as it is to accept, I agree with her.  I've been through a transfer that by all signs was completely on track and just didn't work--with many years younger eggs. There is a lot of medication, time, commitment, cost, emotions, all tied up into that process as well.

I think at any point, in any of the processes, if it doesn't work.....there is a sense of loss for the what if's? But I think that's the other thing that I rest my head and heart on is that I tried everything at the pace and speed that made sense at the time.  I don't regret waiting to do my transfer until last year with the 3 embryos I had stored when my son was 4 and daughter was 6.  I was deep in little human raising (let's not forget that my son didn't sleep well for 4 years) that I couldn't possibly imagine trying to have another one at the time.  What's interesting is that because I had those 3 embryos frozen for so long, it didn't occur to me that if I tried with them that it wouldn't work. If I had known earlier that the transfer wouldn't work, I could have potentially done an egg retrieval earlier yadda yadda...but of course, I didn't know. From a scientific point of view, mother nature still plays a role, even in IVF. You can have the best 5 days, the best lining, the best estrogen...whatever the case and it still fails.

So, my initial thoughts are that I am SO glad I tried this cycle. I can guarantee that I would have had regrets if I didn't try. AND, I would have rather tried and failed then never tried at all. I gave it my best shot with my own genetics and yeah it sucks it failed.

The Dr. did ask what I wanted to do, if anything, next.....and right now, my answer is that's probably it.  She said if I tried a retrieval again, that I would have a 95% chance of having the same outcome. Originally that was the plan, two retrievals, then see what might come out of that. Well, I did one and we now know the answer. She mentioned that this door may be closed, but there are other doors to consider.  Yes, that's true, but for now, I need to just process.